public-house I found open, where I stayed some time, in the utmost
consternation, among a crew of wretches whom I thought proper to bribe
for their civility, not without the terror of being stripped. At length,
however, my messenger returned with a chair, of which I took immediate
possession; and fearing that, by this time, my family would be alarmed,
and send directly to Lord W--'s lodgings, I ordered myself to be carried
thither backwards, that so I might pass undiscovered.

"This stratagem succeeded according to my wish; I ran upstairs, in a
state of trepidation, to my faithful lover, who waited for me with the
most impatient and fearful suspense. At sight of me his eyes lightened
with transport: he caught me in his arms, as the richest present Heaven
could bestow; gave me to understand that my father had already sent to
his lodgings in quest of me; then applauding my love and resolution in
the most rapturous terms, he ordered a hackney-coach to be called, and,
that we might run no risk of separation, attended me to church, where we
were lawfully joined in the sight of Heaven.

"His fears were then all over, but mine recurred with double
aggravation: I dreaded the sight of my father, and shared all the sorrow
he suffered on account of my undutiful behaviour; for I loved him with
such piety of affection, that I would have endured every other species
of distress, rather than given him the least uneasiness; but love, where
he reigns in full empire, is altogether irresistible, surmounts every
difficulty, and swallows up all other considerations. This was the case
with me; and now the irrevocable step was taken, my first care was to
avoid his sight. With this view, I begged that Lord W-- would think
of some remote place in the country, to which we might retire for the
present, and he forthwith conducted me to a house on Blackheath, where
we were very civilly received by a laughter-loving dame, who seemed
to mistake me for one of her own sisterhood. I no sooner perceived her
opinion, than I desired Lord W-- to undeceive her; upon which she was
made acquainted with the nature of my situation, and showed us into a
private room, where I called for pen and paper, and wrote an apology
to my father, for having acted contrary to his will in so important a
concern.

"This task being performed, the bridegroom gave me to understand, that
there was a necessity for our being bedded immediately, in order to
render the marriage binding, lest my father should discover and part
us before consummation. I pleaded hard for a respite till the evening,
objecting to the indecency of going to bed before noon; but he found
means to invalidate all my arguments, and to convince me that it was now
my duty to obey. Rather than hazard the imputation of being obstinate
and refractory on the first day of my probation, I suffered myself to be
led into a chamber, which was darkened by my express stipulation, that
my shame and confusion might be the better concealed, and yielded to the
privilege of a dear husband, who loved me to adoration.

"About five o'clock in the afternoon we were called to dinner, which we
had ordered to be ready at four; but such a paltry care had been forgot
amidst the transports of our mutual bliss. We got up, however, and when
we came downstairs, I was ashamed to see the light of day, or meet the
eyes of my beloved lord. I ate little, said less, was happy, though
overwhelmed with confusion, underwent a thousand agitations, some of
which were painful, but by far the greater part belonged to rapture and
delight; we were imparadised in the gratification of our mutual wishes,
and felt all that love can bestow, and sensibility enjoy.

"In the twilight we returned to Lord W--'s lodgings in town, where I
received a letter from my father, importing that he would never see me
again. But there was one circumstance in his manner of writing, from
which I conceived a happy presage of his future indulgence. He had
begun with his usual appellation of 'Dear Fanny,' which, though it was
expunged to make way for the word 'Madam,' encouraged me to hope that
his paternal fondness was not yet extinguished.

"At supper we were visited by Lord W--'s younger sister, who laughed
at us for our inconsiderate match, though she owned she envied our
happiness, and offered me the use of her clothes until I could retrieve
my own. She was a woman of a great deal of humour, plain but genteel,
civil, friendly, and perfectly well bred. She favoured us with her
company till the night was pretty far advanced, and did not take her
leave till we retired to our apartment.

"As our lodgings were not spacious or magnificent, we resolved to see
little company; but this resolution was frustrated by the numerous
acquaintance of Lord W--, who let in half the town: so that I ran the
gauntlet for a whole week among a set of wits, who always delight in
teasing a young creature of any note, when she happens to make such
a stolen match. Among those that visited us upon this occasion was my
lord's younger brother, who was at that time in keeping with a rich
heiress of masculine memory, and took that opportunity of making
a parade with his equipage, which was indeed very magnificent, but
altogether disregarded by us, whose happiness consisted in the opulence
of mutual love.

"This ceremony of receiving visits being performed, we went to wait on
his mother, the duchess of H--, who, hearing I was an heiress, readily
forgave her son for marrying without her knowledge and consent, and
favoured us with a very cordial reception; insomuch, that for several
months, we dined almost constantly at her table; and I must own, I
always found her unaltered in her civility and affection, contrary
to her general character, which was haughty and capricious. She was
undoubtedly a woman of great spirit and understanding, but subject to
an infirmity which very much impairs and disguises every other
qualification.

"In about three weeks after our marriage, I was so happy as to obtain
the forgiveness of my father, to whose house we repaired, in order
to pay our respects and submission. At sight of me he wept; nor did I
behold his tears unmoved. My heart was overcharged with tenderness and
sorrow, for having offended such an indulgent parent; so that I mingled
my tears with his, while my dear husband, whose soul was of the softest
and gentlest mould, melted with sympathy at the affecting scene. Being
thus reconciled to my father, we attended him into the country, where
we were received by my mother, who was a sensible good woman, though
not susceptible to love, and therefore less apt to excuse a weakness
to which she was an utter stranger. This was likewise the case with an
uncle, from whom I had great expectations. He was a plain good-natured
man, and treated us with great courtesy, though his notions, in point
of love, were not exactly conformable to ours. Nevertheless, I was,
and seemed to be so happy in my choice, that my family not only became
satisfied with the match, but exceedingly fond of Lord W--.

"After a short stay with them in the country, we returned to London, in
order to be introduced at court, and then set out for the north, on a
visit to my brother-in-law the duke of H--, who had, by a letter to Lord
W--, invited us to his habitation. My father accordingly equipped us
with horses and money; for our own finances were extremely slender,
consisting only of a small pension, allowed by his grace, upon whom
the brothers were entirely dependent, the father having died suddenly,
before suitable provision could be made for his younger children.

"When I took leave of my relations, bidding adieu to my paternal home,
and found myself launching into a world of care and trouble, though the
voyage on which I embarked was altogether voluntary, and my companion
the person on whom I doted to distraction,--I could not help feeling
some melancholy sensations, which, however, in a little time, gave way
to a train of more agreeable ideas. I was visited in town by almost
all the women of fashion, many of whom, I perceived, envied me the
possession of a man who had made strange havoc among their hearts, and
some of them knew the value of his favour. One in particular endeavoured
to cultivate my friendship with singular marks of regard; but I thought
proper to discourage her advances, by keeping within the bounds of bare
civility; and, indeed, to none of them was I lavish of my complaisance;
for I dedicated my whole time to the object of my affection, who
engrossed my wishes to such a degree, that, although I was never
jealous, because I had no reason to be so, I envied the happiness of
every woman whom he chanced at any time to hand into a coach.

"The duchess of --, who was newly married to the earl of P--, a
particular friend of Lord W--'s, carried me to court, and presented
me to the queen, who expressed her approbation of my person in very
particular terms, and, observing the satisfaction that appeared in
my countenance, with marks of admiration, desired her ladies to take
notice, how little happiness depended upon wealth, since there was more
joy in my face than in all her court besides.

"Such a declaration could not fail to overwhelm me with blushes, which
her Majesty seemed to behold with pleasure; for she frequently repeated
the remark, and showed me to all the foreigners of distinction, with
many gracious expressions of favour. She wished Lord W-- happiness
instead of joy, and was pleased to promise, that she would provide for
her pretty beggars. And poor enough we certainly were in every article
but love. Nevertheless, we felt no necessities, but passed the summer
in a variety of pleasures and parties; the greatest part of which were
planned by Lord W--'s sister and another lady, who was at that time
mistress to the prime minister. The first was a wit, but homely in
person; the other a woman of great beauty and masculine understanding;
and a particular friendship subsisted between them, though they were
both lovers of power and admiration.

"This lady, who sat at the helm, was extremely elegant, as well
as expensive in her diversions, in many of which we bore a share,
particularly in her parties upon the water, which were contrived in all
the magnificence of taste. In the course of these amusements, a trifling
circumstance occurred, which I shall relate as an instance of that
jealous sensibility which characterised Lord W--'s disposition. A large
company of ladies and gentlemen having agreed to dine at Vauxhall, and
sup at Marble-hall, where we proposed to conclude the evening with a
dance, one barge being insufficient to contain the whole company, we
were divided by lots; in consequence of which, my husband and I were
parted. This separation was equally mortifying to us both, who, though
married, were still lovers; and my chagrin increased when I perceived
that I was doomed to sit by Sir W. Y--, a man of professed gallantry;
for, although Lord W-- had, before his marriage, made his addresses to
every woman he saw, I knew very well he did not desire that any person
should make love to his wife.

"That I might not, therefore, give umbrage, by talking to this gallant,
I conversed with a Scotch nobleman, who, according to common report, had
formerly sighed among my admirers. By these means, in seeking to avoid
one error, I unwittingly plunged myself into a greater, and disobliged
Lord W-- so much, that he could not conceal his displeasure; nay, so
deeply was he offended at my conduct, that, in the evening, when the
ball began, he would scarce deign to take me by the hand in the course
of dancing, and darted such unkind looks, as pierced me to the very
soul. What augmented my concern, was my ignorance of the trespass I had
committed. I was tortured with a thousand uneasy reflections; I began to
fear that I had mistaken his temper, and given my heart to a man who was
tired of possession; though I resolved to bear without complaining the
misfortune I had entailed upon myself.

"I seized the first opportunity of speaking to him, and thereby
discovered the cause of his chagrin; but, as there was no time for
expostulation, the misunderstanding continued on his side, with such
evident marks of uneasiness, that every individual of the company made
up to me, and inquired about the cause of his disorder; so that I was
fain to amuse their concern, by saying, that he had been ill the day
before, and dancing did not agree with his constitution. So much was he
incensed by this unhappy circumstance of my conduct, which was void of
all intention to offend him, that he determined to be revenged on me
for my indiscretion, and at supper, chancing to sit between two very
handsome ladies, one of whom is lately dead, and the other, at present,
my neighbour in the country, he affected an air of gaiety, and openly
coquetted with them both.

"This was not the only punishment he inflicted on his innocent wife. In
the course of our entertainment, we engaged in some simple diversion,
in consequence of which the gentlemen were ordered to salute the ladies;
when Lord W--, in performing this command, unkindly neglected me in my
turn; I had occasion for all my discretion and pride, to conceal
from the company the agonies I felt at this mark of indifference and
disrespect. However, I obtained the victory over myself, and pretended
to laugh at his husband-like behaviour, while the tears stood in my eyes
and my heart swelled even to bursting.

"We broke up about five, after having spent the most tedious evening I
had ever known; and this offended lover went to bed in a state of sullen
silence and disgust. Whatever desire I had to come to an explanation, I
thought myself so much aggrieved by his unreasonable prejudice, that
I could not prevail upon myself to demand a conference, till after his
first nap, when my pride giving way to my tenderness, I clasped him in
my arms, though he pretended to discourage these advances of my love. I
asked how he could be so unjust as to take umbrage at my civility to
a man whom he knew I had refused for his sake; I chid him for his
barbarous endeavours to awake my jealousy, and used such irresistible
arguments in my own vindication, that he was convinced of my innocence,
scaled my acquittal with a kind embrace, and we mutually enjoyed the
soft transports of a fond reconciliation.

"Never was passion more eager, delicate, or unreserved, than that which
glowed within our breasts. Far from being cloyed with the possession of
each other, our raptures seemed to increase with the term of our union.
When we were separated, though but for a few hours, by the necessary
avocations of life, we were unhappy during that brief separation, and
met again like lovers, who knew no joy but in one another's presence.
How many delicious evenings did we spend together, in our little
apartment, after we had ordered the candles to be taken away, that we
might enjoy the agreeable reflection of the moon in a fine summer's
evening! Such a mild and solemn scene naturally disposes the mind to
peace and benevolence; but when improved with conversation of the man
one loves, it fills the imagination with ideas of ineffable delight! For
my own part, I can safely say, my heart was so wholly engrossed by my
husband, that I never took pleasure in any diversion where he was not
personally concerned; nor was I ever guilty of one thought repugnant to
my duty and my love.

"In the autumn, we set out for the north, and were met on the road by
the duke and twenty gentlemen, who conducted us to H--n, where we lived
in all imaginable splendour. His grace, at that time, maintained above
a hundred servants, with a band of music, which always performed at
dinner, kept open table, and was visited by a great deal of company. The
economy of his house was superintended by his eldest sister, a beautiful
young lady of an amiable temper, with whom I soon contracted an intimate
friendship. She and the duke used to rally me upon my fondness for Lord
W--, who was a sort of humourist, and apt to be in a pet, in which
case he would leave the company and go to bed by seven o'clock in the
evening. On these occasions, I always disappeared, giving up every
consideration to that of pleasing my husband, notwithstanding the
ridicule of his relations, who taxed me with having spoiled him with
too much indulgence. But how could I express too much tenderness and
condescension for a man, who doted upon me to such excess, that,
when business obliged him to leave me, he always snatched the first
opportunity to return, and often rode through darkness, storms, and
tempests to my arms?

"Having stayed about seven months in this place, I found myself in a
fair way of being a mother, and that I might be near my own relations
in such an interesting situation, I and my dear companion departed
from H--n, not without great reluctance; for I was fond of the Scots in
general, who treated me with great hospitality and respect; and to this
day, they paid me the compliment of saying, I was one of the best wives
in that country which is so justly celebrated for good women.

"Lord W-- having attended me to my father's house, was obliged to
return to Scotland, to support his interest in being elected member of
Parliament; so that he took his leave of me, with a full resolution of
seeing me again before the time of my lying-in; and all the comfort
I enjoyed in his absence, was the perusal of his letters, which I
punctually received, together with those of his sister, who, from time
to time, favoured me with assurances of his constancy and devotion.
Indeed, these testimonials were necessary to one of my disposition; for
I was none of those who could be contented with half a heart. I could
not even spare one complacent look to any other woman, but expected
the undivided homage of his love. Had I been disappointed in this
expectation, I should, though a wife, have rebelled or died.

"Meanwhile my parents treated me with great tenderness, intending that
Lord W-- should be settled in a house of his own, and accommodated with
my fortune, and his expectations from the queen were very sanguine, when
I was taken ill, and delivered of a dead child, an event which affected
me extremely. When I understood the extent of my misfortune, my heart
throbbed with such violence, that my breast could scarce contain it;
and my anxiety, being aggravated by the absence of my lord, produced a
dangerous fever, of which he was no sooner apprised by letter, than he
came post from Scotland; but, before his arrival, I was supposed to be
in a fair way.

"During this journey, he was tortured with all that terrible suspense
which prevails in the minds of those who are in danger of losing that
which is most dear to them; and, when he entered the house, was so much
overwhelmed with apprehension, that he durst not inquire about the state
of my health. As for my part, I never closed an eye from the time on
which I expected his return; and, when I heard his voice, I threw open
my curtains, and sat up in the bed to receive him, though at the hazard
of my life. He ran towards me with all the eagerness of passion, and
clasped me in his arms; he kneeled by the bedside, and kissed my hand
a thousand times, and wept with transports of tenderness and joy.
In short, this meeting was so pathetic as to overcome my enfeebled
constitution, and we were parted by those who were wiser than ourselves,
and saw that nothing was so proper for us as a little repose.

"But how shall I relate the deplorable transition from envied happiness
to excess of misery which I now sustained! My month was hardly up, when
my dear husband was taken ill; perhaps the fatigue of body, as well as
mind, which he had undergone on my account, occasioned a fatal ferment
in his blood, and his health fell a sacrifice to his love. Physicians
were called from London, but alas! they brought no hopes of his
recovery. By their advice, he was removed to town, for the convenience
of being punctually attended. Every moment was too precious to be thrown
away; he was therefore immediately put into the coach, though the day
was far spent; and I, though exceedingly weak, accompanied him in the
journey, which was performed by the light of flambeaus, and rendered
unspeakingly shocking by the dismal apprehension of losing him every
moment.

"At length, however, we arrived at our lodgings in Pall Mall, where I
lay by him on the floor, and attended the issue of his distemper in all
the agonies of horror and despair. In a little time his malady
settled upon his brain, and, in his delirium, he uttered such dreadful
exclamations, as were sufficient to pierce the most savage heart. What
effect then must they have had on mine, which was fraught with every
sentiment of the most melting affection! It was not a common grief that
took possession of my soul; I felt all the aggravation of the most acute
distress. I sometimes ran down the street in a fit of distraction: I
sent for the doctors every minute: I wearied Heaven with my prayers;
even now my heart aches at the remembrance of what I suffered, and I
cannot, without trembling, proceed with the woeful story.

"After having lain insensible some days, he recovered the use of speech,
and called upon my name, which he had a thousand times repeated while he
was bereft of reason. All hopes of his life were now relinquished, and
I was led to his bedside to receive his last adieus, being directed to
summon all my fortitude, and suppress my sorrow, that he might not be
disturbed by my agitation. I collected all my resolution to support me
in this affecting scene. I saw my dear lord in extremity. The beauties
of his youth were all decayed; yet his eyes, though languid, retained
unspeakable sweetness and expression. He felt his end approaching, put
forth his hand, and, with a look full of complacency and benevolence,
uttered such a tender tale--good Heaven! how had I deserved such
accumulated affliction, the bare remembrance of which now melts me into
tears? Human nature could not undergo my situation without suffering an
ecstasy of grief. I clasped him in my arms, and kissed him a thousand
times, with the most violent emotions of woe; but I was torn from his
embrace, and in a little time he was ravished for ever from my view.

"On that fatal morning, which put a period to his life, I saw the
duchess of L-- approach my bed, and, from her appearance, concluded that
he was no more; yet I begged she would not confirm the unhappy presage
by announcing his death; and she accordingly preserved the most emphatic
silence. I got up, and trod softly over his head, as if I had been
afraid of interrupting his repose. Alas! he was no longer sensible of
such disturbance. I was seized with a stupefaction of sorrow; I threw
up the window and, looking around, thought the sun shone with the most
dismal aspect; everything was solitary, cheerless, and replete with
horror.

"In this condition I was, by the direction of my friend, conveyed to
her house, where my faculties were so overpowered by the load of anguish
which oppressed me, that I know not what passed during the first days of
my unhappy widowhood; this only I know, the kind duchess treated me with
all imaginable care and compassion, and carried me to her country house,
where I stayed some months; during which, she endeavoured to comfort
me with all the amusements she could invent, and laid me under
such obligations as shall never be erased from my remembrance. Yet,
notwithstanding all her care and concern, I was, by my excess of grief,
plunged into a languishing distemper, for which my physicians advised me
to drink the Bath waters.

"In compliance with this prescription, I went thither towards the end of
summer, and found some benefit by adhering to their directions. Though
I seldom went abroad, except when I visited my sister-in-law, who was
there with the princess; and, upon these occasions, I never failed to
attract the notice of the company, who were struck with the appearance
of such a young creature in weeds. Nor was I free from the persecution
of professed admirers; but, being dead to all joy, I was deaf to the
voice of adulation.

"About Christmas I repaired to my father's house, where my sorrows were
revived by every object that recalled the idea of my dear lamented lord.
But these melancholy reflections I was obliged to bear, because I had
no other home or habitation, being left an unprovided widow, altogether
dependent on the affection of my own family. During this winter, divers
overtures were made to my father by people who demanded me in marriage;
but my heart was not yet sufficiently weaned from my former passion to
admit the thoughts of another master. Among those that presented their
proposals was a certain young nobleman, who, upon the first news of Lord
W--'s death, came post from Paris, in order to declare his passion. He
made his first appearance in a hired chariot-and-six, accompanied by a
big fat fellow, whom (as I afterwards learned) he had engaged to sound
his praises, with a promise of a thousand pounds, in lieu of which he
paid him forty. Whether it was with a view of screening himself from the
cold, or of making a comfortable medium in case of being overturned, and
falling under his weighty companion, I know not; but, certain it is, the
carriage was stuffed with hay, in such a manner, that, when he arrived,
the servants were at some pains in rummaging and removing it, before
they could come at their master, or help him to alight. When he was
lifted out of the chariot, he exhibited a very ludicrous figure to the
view. He was a thin, meagre, shivering creature, of a low stature, with
little black eyes, a long nose, sallow complexion, and pitted with
the smallpox; dressed in a coat of light brown frieze, lined with
pink-coloured shag, a monstrous solitaire and bag, and, if I remember
right, a pair of huge jack-boots. In a word, his whole appearance was
so little calculated for inspiring love, that I had, on the strength of
seeing him once before at Oxford, set him down as the last man on earth
whom I would choose to wed; and I will venture to affirm, that he was in
every particular the reverse of my late husband.

"As my father was not at home, he stayed but one evening, and left his
errand with my mother, to whom he was as disagreeable as to myself; so
that his proposal was absolutely rejected, and I heard no more of him
during the space of three whole months, at the expiration of which I
went to town, where this mortifying figure presented itself again, and
renewed his suit, offering such advantageous terms of settlement, that
my father began to relish the match, and warmly recommended it to my
consideration.

"Lord W--'s relations advised me to embrace the opportunity of making
myself independent. All my acquaintance plied me with arguments to the
same purpose. I was uneasy at home, and indifferent to all mankind. I
weighed the motives with the objections, and with reluctance yielded to
the importunity of my friends. In consequence of this determination,
the little gentleman was permitted to visit me; and the manner of his
address did not alter the opinion I had conceived of his character and
understanding. I was even shocked at the prospect of marrying a man whom
I could not love; and, in order to disburden my own conscience, took
an opportunity of telling him, one evening, as we sat opposite to
each other, that it was not in my power to command my affection, and
therefore he could not expect the possession of my heart, Lord W--'s
indulgence having spoiled me for a wife; nevertheless, I would endeavour
to contract a friendship for him, which would entirely depend upon his
own behaviour.

"To this declaration he replied, to my great surprise, that he did
not desire me to love him; my friendship was sufficient; and next
day repeated this strange instance of moderation in a letter, which I
communicated to my sister, who laughed heartily at the contents, and
persuaded me, that since I could love no man, he was the properest
person to be my husband.

"Accordingly, the wedding clothes and equipage being prepared, the
day--the fatal day--was fixed; on the morning of which I went to the
house of my brother-in-law, duke H--, who loved me tenderly, and took my
leave of the family, a family which I shall always remember with love,
honour, and esteem. His grace received me in the most affectionate
manner, saying at parting, 'Lady W--, if he does not use you well, I
will take you back again.'"

"The bridegroom and I met at Ox-- Chapel, where the ceremony was
performed by the bishop of W--, in presence of his lordship's mother, my
father, and another lady. The nuptial knot being tied, we set out for
my father's house in the country, and proceeded full twenty miles on
our journey before my lord opened his mouth, my thoughts having been all
that time employed on something quite foreign to my present situation;
for I was then but a giddy girl of eighteen. At length my father broke
silence, and clapping his lordship on the shoulder, told him he was but
a dull bridegroom; upon which my lord gave him to understand that he was
out of spirits. This dejection continued all the day, notwithstanding
the refreshment of a plentiful dinner which he ate upon the road; and
in the evening we arrived at the place of our destination, where we were
kindly received by my mother, though she had no liking to the match;
and, after supper, we retired to our apartment.

"It was here that I had occasion to perceive the most disagreeable
contrast between my present helpmate and my former lord. Instead of
flying to my arms with all the eagerness of love and rapture, this manly
representative sat moping in a corner, like a criminal on execution day,
and owned he was ashamed to bed with a woman whose hand he had scarce
ever touched.

"I could not help being affected with this pusillanimous behaviour. I
remembered Lord W--, while I surveyed the object before me, and made
such a comparison as filled me with horror and disgust: nay, to such a
degree did my aversion to this phantom prevail, that I began to sweat
with anguish at the thought of being subjected to his pleasure; and
when, after a long hesitation, he ventured to approach me, I trembled
as if I had been exposed to the embraces of a rattlesnake. Nor did the
efforts of his love diminish this antipathy. His attempts were like
the pawings of an imp, sent from hell to seize and torment some guilty
wretch, such as are exhibited in some dramatic performance, which I have
never seen acted without remembering my wedding-night. By such shadowy,
unsubstantial, vexatious behaviour was I tantalized, and robbed of my
repose; and early next morning I got up, with a most sovereign contempt
for my bedfellow, who indulged himself in bed till eleven.

"Having passed a few days in this place, I went home with him to his
house at Twickenham, and soon after we were presented at court, when the
queen was pleased to say to my lord's mother, she did not doubt that
we should be a happy couple, for I had been a good wife to my former
husband.

"Whatever deficiencies I had to complain of in my new spouse, he was
not wanting in point of liberality. I was presented with a very fine
chariot, studded with silver nails, and such a profusion of jewels as
furnished a joke to some of my acquaintance, who observed, that I
was formerly queen of hearts, but now metamorphosed into the queen of
diamonds. I now also had an opportunity, which I did not let slip, of
paying Lord W--'s debts from my privy purse; and on that score received
the thanks of his elder brother, who, though he had undertaken to
discharge them, delayed the execution of his purpose longer than I
thought they should remain unpaid. This uncommon splendour attracted the
eyes and envy of my competitors, who were the more implacable in their
resentments, because, notwithstanding my marriage, I was as much as
ever followed by the men of gallantry and pleasure, among whom it is
a constant maxim, that a woman never withholds her affections from her
husband, without an intention to bestow them somewhere else. I never
appeared without a train of admirers, and my house in the country was
always crowded with gay young men of quality.

"Among those who cultivated my good graces with the greatest skill and
assiduity, were the Earl C-- and Mr. S---, brother to Lord F--. The
former of whom, in the course of his addresses, treated me with an
entertainment of surprising magnificence, disposed into a dinner,
supper, and ball, to which I, at his desire, invited eleven ladies, whom
he paired with the like number of his own sex; so that the whole company
amounted to twenty-four. We were regaled with a most elegant dinner, in
an apartment which was altogether superb, and served by gentlemen
only, no livery servant being permitted to come within the door. In the
afternoon we embarked in two splendid barges, being attended by a band
of music in a third; and enjoyed a delightful evening upon the river
till the twilight, when we returned and began the ball, which was
conducted with such order and taste, that mirth and good-humour
prevailed. No dissatisfaction appeared, except in the countenance of one
old maid, since married to a son of the duke of --, who though she would
not refuse to partake of such an agreeable entertainment, was displeased
that I should have the honour of inviting her. O baleful Envy! thou
self-tormenting fiend! how dost thou predominate in all assemblies, from
the grand gala of a court, to the meeting of simple peasants at their
harvest-home! Nor is the prevalence of this sordid passion to be
wondered at, if we consider the weakness, pride, and vanity of our sex.
The presence of one favourite man shall poison the enjoyment of a whole
company, and produce the most rancorous enmity betwixt the closest
friends.

"I danced with the master of the ball, who employed all the artillery of
his eloquence in making love; yet I did not listen to his addresses, for
he was not to my taste, though he possessed an agreeable person, and a
good acquired understanding; but he was utterly ignorant of that gentle
prevailing art which I afterwards experienced in Mr. S---, and which was
the only method he could have successfully practised in seducing a young
woman like me, born with sentiments of honour, and trained up in the
paths of religion and virtue. This young gentleman was indeed absolutely
master of those insinuating qualifications which few women of passion
and sensibility can resist; and had a person every way adapted for
profiting by these insidious talents. He was well acquainted with the
human heart, conscious of his own power and capacity, and exercised
these endowments with unwearied perseverance. He was tall and thin, of a
shape and size perfectly agreeable to my taste, with large blue eloquent
eyes, good teeth, and a long head turned to gallantry. His behaviour was
the standard of politeness, and all his advances were conducted with the
most profound respect; which is the most effectual expedient a man can
use against us, if he can find means to persuade us that it proceeds
from the excess and delicacy of his passion. It is no other than
a silent compliment, by which our accomplishments are continually
flattered and pleases in proportion to the supposed understanding of
him who pays it.

"By these arts and advantages this consummate politician in love
began by degrees to sap the foundation of my conjugal faith: he stole
imperceptibly into my affection, and by dint of opportunity, which he
well knew how to improve, triumphed at last over all his rivals.

"Nor was he the only person that disputed my heart with Earl C--. That
nobleman was also rivalled by Lord C. H--, a Scotchman, who had been an
intimate and relation of my former husband. Him I would have preferred
to most of his competitors, and actually coquetted with him for some
time: but the amour was interrupted by his going to Ireland; upon which
occasion, understanding that he was but indifferently provided with
money, I made him a present of a gold snuff-box, in which was enclosed
a bank-note; a trifling mark of my esteem, which he afterwards justified
by the most grateful, friendly, and genteel behaviour; and as we
corresponded by letters, I frankly told him, that Mr. S--- had stepped
in, and won the palm from all the rest of my admirers.

"This new favourite's mother and sister, who lived in the neighbourhood,
were my constant companions; and, in consequence of this intimacy, he
never let a day pass without paying his respects to me in person; nay,
so ingenious was he in contriving the means of promoting his suit, that
whether I rode or walked, went abroad or stayed at home, he was always
of course one of the party; so that his design seemed to engross his
whole vigilance and attention. Thus he studied my disposition, and
established himself in my good opinion at the same time. He found my
heart was susceptible of every tender impression, and saw that I was not
free from the vanity of youth; he had already acquired my friendship
and esteem, from which he knew there was a short and easy transition to
love. By his penetration choosing proper seasons for the theme, he urged
it with such pathetic vows and artful adulation, as well might captivate
a young woman of my complexion and experience, and circumstanced as I
was, with a husband whom I had such reason to despise.

"Though he thus made an insensible progress in my heart, he did not find
my virtue an easy conquest; and I myself was ignorant of the advantage
he had gained with regard to my inclinations, until I was convinced of
his success by an alarm of jealousy which I one day felt, at seeing him
engaged in conversation with another lady. I forthwith recognized this
symptom of love, with which I had been formerly acquainted, and trembled
at the discovery of my own weakness. I underwent a strange agitation
and mixture of contrary sensations. I was pleased with the passion,
yet ashamed of avowing it even to my own mind. The rights of a husband,
though mine was but a nominal one, occurred to my reflection, and
virtue, modesty, and honour, forbade me to cherish the guilty flame.

"When I encouraged these laudable scruples, and resolved to sacrifice
my love to duty and reputation, my lord was almost every day employed
in riding post to my father, with complaints of my conduct, which
was hitherto irreproachable; though the greatest grievance which he
pretended to have suffered was my refusing to comply with his desire,
when he entreated me to lie, a whole hour every morning, with my neck
uncovered, that, by gazing, he might quiet the perturbation of his
spirits. From this request you may judge of the man, as well as of the
regard I must entertain for his character and disposition.

"During the whole summer I was besieged by my artful undoer, and in the
autumn set out with my lord for Bath, where, by reason of the intimacy
that subsisted between our families, we lived in the same house with
my lover and his sister, who, with another agreeable young lady,
accompanied us in this expedition. By this time Mr. S-- had extorted
from me a confession of a mutual flame, though I assured him that
it should never induce me to give up the valuable possession of an
unspotted character, and a conscience void of offence. I offered him
all the enjoyment he could reap from an unreserved intercourse of souls,
abstracted from any sensual consideration. He eagerly embraced the
platonic proposal, because he had sagacity enough to foresee the issue
of such chimerical contracts, and knew me too well to think he could
accomplish his purpose without seeming to acquiesce in my own terms, and
cultivating my tenderness under the specious pretext.

"In consequence of this agreement, we took all opportunities of seeing
each other in private; and these interviews were spent in mutual
protestations of disinterested love. This correspondence, though
dangerous, was, on my side, equally innocent and endearing; and many
happy hours we passed, before my sentiments were discovered. At length
my lover was taken ill, and then my passion burst out beyond the
power of concealment; my grief and anxiety became so conspicuous in my
countenance, and my behaviour was so indiscreet, that everybody in the
house perceived the situation of my thoughts, and blamed my conduct
accordingly.

"Certain it is, I was extremely imprudent, though intentionally
innocent. I have lain whole nights by my lord, who teased and tormented
me for that which neither I could give nor he could take, and ruminated
on the fatal consequences of this unhappy flame, until I was worked into
a fever of disquiet. I saw there was no safety but in flight, and often
determined to banish myself for ever from the sight of this dangerous
intruder. But my resolution always failed at the approach of day, and
my desire of seeing him as constantly recurred. So far was I from
persisting in such commendable determinations, that, on the eve of
our departure from Bath, I felt the keenest pangs of sorrow at
our approaching separation; and, as we could not enjoy our private
interviews at my house in town, I promised to visit him at his own
apartments, after he had sworn by all that's sacred, that he would
take no sinister advantage of my condescension, by presuming upon the
opportunities I should give.

"He kept his word, for he saw I trusted to it with fear and trembling,
and perceived that my apprehension was not affected, but the natural
concern of a young creature, distracted between love and duty, whom, had
he alarmed, he would never had seen within his doors again. Instead of
pressing me with solicitations in favour of his passion, he was more
than ever respectful and complaisant; so that I found myself disengaged
of all restraint, conducted the conversation, shortened and repeated my
visits at my own pleasure, till at last I became so accustomed to this
communication, that his house was as familiar to me as my own.

"Having in this manner secured himself in my confidence, he resumed the
favourite topic of love, and, warming my imagination by gradual advances
on the subject, my heart began to pant; when he saw me thus moved, he
snatched the favourable occasion to practise all his eloquence and art.
I could not resist his energy nor even fly from the temptation that
assailed me, until he had obtained a promise that he should, at our
next meeting, reap the fruits of his tedious expectation. Upon this
condition, I was permitted to retire, and blessed heaven for my escape,
fully determined to continue in the path of virtue I had hitherto trod,
and stifle the criminal flame by which my peace and reputation were
endangered. But his idea, which reigned in my heart without control,
soon baffled all these prudent suggestions.

"I saw him again; and he reminded me of my promise, which I endeavoured
to evade with affected pleasantry, upon which he manifested the utmost
displeasure and chagrin, shedding some crocodile tears, and upbraided
me with levity and indifference. He observed, that he had solicited my
favour for ten long months without intermission, and imagined I had held
out so long on virtuous motives only; but now he could plainly perceive
that his want of success had been owing to my want of affection, and
that all my professions were insincere. In a word, he persuaded me
that his remonstrances were just and reasonable. I could not see the
affliction of a man I loved, when I knew it was in my power to remove
it; and, rather than forfeit his opinion of my sincerity and love, I
consented to his wish. My heart now flutters at the remembrance of the
dear though fatal indiscretion; yet I reflect without remorse, and even
remember it with pleasure.

"If I could not avoid the censure of the world, I was resolved to bear
it without repining; and sure the guilt, if there was any in my conduct,
was but venial; for I considered myself as a person absolved of all
matrimonial ties, by the insignificance of Lord ----, who, though a
nominal husband, was in fact a mere nonentity. I therefore contracted
a new engagement with my lover, to which I resolved to adhere with the
most scrupulous fidelity, without the least intention of injuring my
lord or his relations; for, had our mutual passion produced any visible
effects, I would immediately have renounced and abandoned my husband for
ever, that the fruit of my love for Mr. S-- might not have inherited,
to the detriment of the right heir. This was my determination, which
I thought just, if not prudent; and for which I have incurred the
imputation of folly, in the opinion of this wise and honest generation,
by whose example and advice I have, since that time, been a little
reformed in point of prudentials, though I still retain a strong
tendency to return to my primitive way of thinking.

"When I quitted Mr. S--, after the sacrifice I had made, and returned to
my own bed, it may, perhaps, be supposed that I slept but little. True:
I was kept awake by the joyful impatience of revisiting my lover. Indeed
I neglected no opportunity of flying to his arms. When Lord -- was in
the country, we enjoyed each other's company without interruption;
but when he resided in town, our correspondence was limited to stolen
interviews, which were unspeakably delicious, as genuine love presided
at the entertainment.

"Such was my happiness in the course of this tender communication, that
to this day I remember it with pleasure, though it has cost me dear in
the sequel, and was at that time enjoyed at a considerable expense; for
I devoted myself so entirely to my lover, who was desirous of engrossing
my time and thoughts, that my acquaintance, which was very numerous,
justly accused me of neglect, and of consequence cooled in their
friendships; but I was 'all for love, or the world well lost;' and were
the same opportunity to offer, I would act the same conduct over again.

"Some there are who possibly may wonder how I could love twice with such
violence of affection. But all such observers must be unacquainted with
the human heart. Mine was naturally adapted for the tender passions, and
had been so fortunate, so cherished in its first impressions, that it
felt with joy the same sensations revive, when influenced by the same
engaging qualifications. Certain it is, I loved the second time as well
as the first, and better was impossible. I gave up my all for both:
fortune and my father's favour for the one; reputation, friends, and
fortune for the other. Yet, notwithstanding this intimate connection,
I did not relinquish the world all at once; on the contrary, I still
appeared at court, and attracted the notice and approbation of my royal
patroness; I danced with the P-- of W--; a circumstance which so nearly
affected Mr. S--, who was present, that, in order to manifest his
resentment, he chose the ugliest woman in the ball for his partner; and
I no sooner perceived his uneasiness, than I gave over, with a view of
appeasing his displeasure.

"Without repeating particular circumstances, let it suffice to say, our
mutual passion was a perfect copy of that which had subsisted between
me and my dear Lord W--. It was jealous, melting and delicate, and
chequered with little accident, which serve to animate and maintain
the flame, in its first ardency of rapture. When my lover was sick,
I attended and nursed him with indefatigable tenderness and care; and
during an indisposition, which I caught in the performance of this
agreeable office, he discharged the obligation with all the warmth of
sympathy and love.

"It was, however, judged necessary by the physicians, that I should use
the Bath waters for the recovery of my health; and I set out for that
place, glad of a pretence to be absent from Lord ----, with whom I lived
on very unhappy terms. He had, about nine months after our marriage,
desired that we might sleep in separate beds, and gave a very whimsical
reason for this proposal. He said, the immensity of his love deprived
him of the power of gratification, and that some commerce with an
object, to which his heart was not attached, might, by diminishing the
transports of his spirits, recompose his nerves, and enable him to enjoy
the fruits of his good fortune.

"You may be sure I made no objection to this plan, which was immediately
put into execution. He made his addresses to a nymph of Drury Lane,
whose name, as he told me, was Mrs. Rock. She made shift to extract some
money from her patient; but his infirmity was beyond the power of her
art, though she made some mischief between us; and I communicated my
suspicion to the duke of H--, who intended to have expostulated with her
upon the subject; but she got intimation of his design, and saved him
the trouble by a precipitate retreat.

"After my return from Bath, where Mr. S-- and I had lived happily, until
we were interrupted by the arrival of my husband, his lordship expressed
an inclination to be my bedfellow again. In this particular I desired to
be excused. I would not be the first to propose the separation, which,
though usual in other countries, is contrary to the custom of England,
being unwilling to furnish the least handle for censure, as my character
was still unblemished; yet, when the proposal came from him, I thought
myself entitled to refuse a reunion; to which I accordingly objected.

"This opposition produced a quarrel, which rose to a state of perpetual
animosity; so that we began to talk of parting. My lord relished the
expedient, agreeing to add three hundred pounds a year to my pin-money,
which, by the bye, was never paid; and I renounced all state and
grandeur, to live in a small house that I hired at Carshalton, where I
passed my time for two months, in the most agreeable retirement, with my
dear lover. At length I was disturbed by the intrusion of my lord, who
molested me with visits and solicitations to return, pretending that he
had changed his mind, and insisting upon my compliance with his desire.

"I exhausted my invention in endeavours to evade his request; but he
persecuted me without ceasing. So that I was fain to capitulate, on
condition that he should immediately set out for France; and that he
should not presume to approach my bed till our arrival at Calais. We
accordingly departed for that kingdom; and, far from infringing the
least article of our treaty, his lordship did not insist upon his
privilege before we reached the capital of France.

"Meanwhile, I began to feel the effect of my passion in a very
interesting manner, and communicated my discovery to the dear author of
it, who would not leave me in such an affecting situation, but took the
first opportunity of following us to France.

"In our road to Paris, we stopped to visit Chantilly, a magnificent
chateau belonging to the prince of Conde, and there met by accident with
some English noblemen, to whom I was known. The prince and his
sisters invited me very politely into the gallery where they sat. They
complimented me on my person, and seemed to admire my dress, which was
altogether new to them, being a blue English riding-habit, trimmed with
gold, and a hat with a feather. They were particularly well pleased with
my hair which hung down to my waist, and pressed me to stay a fortnight
at their house; an invitation which I was very much mortified at
being obliged to refuse, because my lord did not understand the French
language. I was enchanted with the place and the company, the women
being amiable, and the men polite; nor were they strangers to my name
and story; for Mr. S-- calling at the same place a few days after, they
rallied him on my account.

"When we arrived at Paris, the first thing I did was to metamorphose
myself into a Frenchwoman. I cut off my hair, hid a very good complexion
of my own with rouge, reconciled myself to powder, which I had never
used before, put on a robe with a large hoop, and went to the Tuileries,
full of spirits and joy; for, at that time, everything conspired to make
me happy. I had health, youth, and beauty, love, vanity, and affluence,
and found myself surrounded with diversions which were gay, new, and
agreeable. My appearance drew upon me the eyes of the whole company,
who considered me a stranger, but not a foreigner, so completely was I
equipped in the fashion of the French; and when they understood who I
was, they applauded my person with the most lavish encomiums, according
to their known politeness.

"After having made a circuit round all the public places of
entertainment in Paris, I was introduced into the company by an English
family, residing in that city; and, among others, became acquainted with
a French lady, whose charms were remarkably attractive. The duke of K--
was her admirer; but she lived in reputation with her mother, and an
agreeable sister, whose lover was the prince of C--, for almost every
lady in France has her aimant.

"With this charming woman, whose name was Madame de la T--, I often made
parties of pleasure. The duke, Mr. S--, she, and I, used to meet in the
Bois de Boulogne, which is a pleasant wood, at a small distance from
Paris, whither the company repairs in the summer season for the benefit
of the air; and, after having amused ourselves among the groves,
embarked in his grace's equipage, which was extremely elegant, being a
calash drawn by six fine long-tailed greys, adorned with ribbons, in the
French taste; and thus we were conducted to a little enchanted, or at
least enchanting, palace, possessed by the duke, at one end of the town.
The lower apartment, appropriated to me, was furnished with yellow and
silver, the bed surrounded with looking-glasses, and the door opened
into the garden, laid out in a cradle walk, and intervening parterres of
roses and other flowers. Above-stairs, my female companion lodged in
a chamber furnished with chintz. We supped all together in the saloon,
which, though small, was perfectly elegant. The company was always
good-humoured, the conversation sprightly and joyous, and the scene,
though often repeated, still delightful and entertaining.

"At other times, Mr. S-- and I used to pass our evenings at the palace
of the prince of C--, which his highness lent us for our accommodation.
The apartments opened into the gardens of the Luxembourg, and were, in
point of magnificence, suitable to the owner. Thither I used to repair
in a flaming equipage, on pretence of visiting, and spent the best part
of the night with him who was dearer to me than all the princes in the
world.

"While I was happily engaged in these ravishing parties, my little lord
was employed in his efforts to recover his health by restoratives, and
I know not what; for he still lamented the enfeebling effects of his
passion, and complained that he loved me more like an angel than a
woman, though he strove to govern his affections according to the
doctrines of the Christian religion, as he regulated his life by the
maxims of Charles the Twelfth of Sweden. The meaning of this declaration
I could never learn; and, indeed, I have been often tempted to believe
he had no meaning at all.

"Be that as it will, I found my size visibly increasing, and my
situation extremely uneasy, on account of the perpetual wrangling which
prevailed between us, in consequence of his desiring to sleep with me
again, after we had parted beds for the second time; and, that I might
no longer be exposed to such disagreeable persecutions, I resolved to
leave him, though at the hazard of my life.

"Thus determined, I went to the British ambassador, in a hackney-coach;
and, in order to disguise my youth, which might have prepossessed him
against my judgment, muffled myself up in a black hood, which, as he
said, instead of lending an air of gravity to my countenance, added a
wildness to my looks, which was far from being disagreeable. He had
been a gallant man in his youth, and even then, though well stricken
in years, was not insensible to the power of beauty. This disposition,
perhaps, rendered him more favourable to my cause, though he first
advised me to return to my husband; but finding me obstinate, he
undertook to serve me in my own way, and procured a protection from the
French king, by virtue of which I could live at Paris unmolested by my
lord. Nevertheless, he advised me, if I was determined to leave him, to
make the best of my way to England and sue for a divorce. I relished his
opinion, and concealed myself about three days in Paris, during which I
borrowed some linen; for, as it was impossible to convey anything out
of my own house without suspicion, I had neither clothes for my
accommodation, nor a servant to wait on me.

"In this solitary condition, I took the road to Flanders, after I had
put my lord upon a wrong scent, by writing a letter to him, dated at
Calais, and travelled through an unknown country, without any other
attendant than the postillion, being subjected to this inconvenience by
the laws of France, which are so severe in some particulars, that, if
any person had been apprehended with me, he would have suffered death
for going off with a man's wife; though any man might go to bed with
that same woman, without fear of incurring any legal punishment.

"I proceeded night and day without intermission, that I might the sooner
reach Flanders, where I knew I should be safe; and as the nights were
excessively cold, I was fain to wrap myself up in flannel, which
I bought for the purpose, as I had no clothes to keep me warm, and
travelled in an open chaise. While we passed through dreary woods, quite
remote from the habitations of men, I was not without apprehension of
being stripped and murdered by the postillion; and, in all probability,
owed my safety to the indigence of my appearance, which might also
protect me in two miserable places, where I was obliged to lie, before
I got out of the territories of France; for, as I could not reach the
great towns where I intended to lodge, I was under the necessity of
putting up at little wretched hovels, where no provision was to be had,
but sour brown bread, and sourer cheese; and everything seemed to denote
the dens of despair and assassination.

"I made shift, however, to subsist on this fare, uncomfortable as it
was, confiding on the meanness of my equipage for the security of my
person; and at length arriving at Brussels, fixed my quarters in the
Hotel de Flandre (so well known to the English since), where I thought
myself extremely happy in the accomplishment of my flight.

"I had not been two full days in this place, when I was blessed with the
sight of my lover, who followed me on the wings of love, in pursuance
of the plan we had projected before my departure from Paris. Here
we concerted measures for proceeding to England. I hired a tall fine
Liegeoise for my maid, and setting out for Ostend, we embarked in a
vessel, in which Mr. S-- had bespoke our passage. Our voyage was short
and prosperous, and our time most agreeably spent in the company of my
dear partner, who was a most engaging man in all respects, as I dare say
my Lady C-- has since found him.

"I assumed a fictitious name, took private lodgings in Poland-street,
retained lawyers, and commenced a suit for separation against my lord.
I communicated the reasons of my elopement to my father, who was shocked
and surprised at my conduct, which he condemned with expressions of
sorrow and resentment. But the step was taken; nor did I repent of what
I had done, except on his account.

"In the morning after my arrival at London, I waited upon the lord chief
justice, to whom I complained of the usage I had received from my lord,
whose temper was teasing, tiresome, and intolerably capricious. Indeed,
his behaviour was a strange compound of madness and folly, seasoned
with a small proportion of sense. No wonder then, that I, who am hot
and hasty, should be wretched, under the persecution of such a perverse
humourist, who used to terrify me, and scold at me the whole night
without intermission, and shake my pillow from time to time, that
I might not sleep, while he tormented me with his disagreeable
expostulations. I have been often frightened almost out of my senses, at
seeing him convulsed with the most unreasonable passion; and chagrined
to the highest degree of disgust, to find, by repeated observation, his
disposition so preposterous, that his satisfaction and displeasure never
depended upon the cause he had to be satisfied or disobliged; but, on
the contrary, when he had most reason to be pleased, he was always most
discontented, and very often in good-humour when he had reason enough
for vexation.

"While I lived in Poland-street, I was engaged with lawyers, and so
often visited by my father, that I could not dedicate my whole time as
usual to my lover; nor was it convenient that he should be seen in my
company: he therefore took a small house at Camberwell, whither I went
as often as I had an opportunity; and maintained the correspondence with
such eagerness and industry, that, although I was six months gone
with child, I have often, by myself, set out for his habitation, in a
hackney-coach, at eleven o'clock at night, and returned by six in the
morning, that I might be in my own bed when my father came to see
me; for I concealed my amour, as well as the effects of it, from his
knowledge, and frequently took water from the bridge, that my motions
might not be discovered. Nothing but the most passionate love could have
supported my spirits under such vicissitudes of fatigue, or enabled my
admirer to spend whole days by himself in such a solitary retirement.

"By this time, my lord was arrived in England, and employed in
discovering the place of my retreat; so that I lived in continual alarm,
and provided myself with a speaking-trumpet, which stood by my bedside,
to be used in calling for assistance, in case my pursuer should make an
attack upon my lodgings.

"This situation being extremely uncomfortable, I had no sooner begun my
process against him, than I put myself entirely under the protection of
Mr. S--, who conducted me to the house of a friend of his who lived in
the country, where I was secure from the attempts of my husband. The
world had now given me up, and I had renounced the world with the most
perfect resignation. I weighed in my breast what I should lose in point
of character, with what I suffered in my peace at home, and found,
that my reputation was not to be preserved, except at the expense of
my quiet, for his lordship was not disposed to make me easy, had I been
ever so discreet. I therefore determined to give up a few ceremonial
visits, and empty professions, for the more substantial enjoyments of
life.

"We passed our time very agreeably in various amusements with this
friend of Mr. S--, until the term of my reckoning was almost expired,
then returned to London, and took lodgings in Southampton-street, where
I began to make the preparations for the approaching occasion. Here I
proposed to live with the utmost circumspection. I disguised my name,
saw nobody but my lawyer and lover, and never approached the window lest
I should be discovered by accident. Notwithstanding these precautions,
my French maid, whom I had sent for some of my clothes, was dogged in
her return, and next morning my lord took my lodgings by storm. Had he
given the assault in his person only, I make no doubt but he would have
suffered a repulse from the opposition of the Liegeoise, who made all
the resistance in her power; but was obliged to give way to superior
numbers. I was at that time abed, and hearing an unusual noise below,
rang my bell, in order to know the cause of such disturbance. I drew my
curtain at the same time, and who should I see entering my chamber
but his lordship, attended by a constable, and the footman who had
discovered my retreat!

"Such an unexpected visit could not fail to affect me with surprise
and consternation. However, I summoned all my fortitude to my aid, and
perceiving the fellows were about to open my window-shutters, desired
their principal to order them down-stairs. He readily complied with my
request, and sitting down by my bedside, told me with an air of triumph,
that he had found me at last; and I frankly owned, that I was heartily
sorry for his success. Instead of upbraiding me with my escape, he
proceeded to entertain me with all the news in town, and gave me a
minute detail of everything that happened to him since our parting;
among other articles of intelligence, giving me to understand, that he
had challenged Mr. S--, who refused to fight him, and was in disgrace
with the prince of W-- on that account.

"But here his lordship did not strictly adhere to the naked truth. He
had indeed, before our departure from the country, gone to my lover, and
insisted upon having satisfaction in Hyde Park, two days from the date
of his demand, and at three o'clock in the afternoon; S--, believing
him in earnest, accepted the invitation; though he observed, that these
affairs could not be discussed too soon, and wished the time of meeting
might be an earlier hour. But his lordship did not choose to alter the
circumstances of his first proposal; and, when he went away, said he
should expect him at the appointed place and time, if it did not rain.

"His antagonist gave me an account of the conversation, when I assured
him the whole business would end in smoke. Accordingly, my lord sent him
a letter on Monday, desiring that the assignation might be deferred till
Thursday, that he might have time to settle his affairs, and pay S--
a hundred pounds, which he had formerly borrowed of him. When Thursday
came, he was favoured with another epistle, importing that the
challenger had changed his mind, and would seek satisfaction at law.
Thus ended that heroic exploit, which his lordship now boasted of with
such arrogant misrepresentation.

"While he thus regaled me with these interesting particulars, I was
contriving a scheme to frustrate the discovery he had made; so that I
did not contradict his assertions, but told him, that, if he would go
down-stairs, I would rise and come to breakfast. He consented to this
proposal with great cheerfulness; and I own I was not a little surprised
to find him, at this first interview, in as good a humour as if nothing
had happened to interrupt the felicity of our matrimonial union.

"It cost me some invention to conceal my condition from his notice,
being now within a week of the expected crisis. But I knew I had to
do with a man of no great penetration, and succeeded in my attempt
accordingly. We breakfasted with great harmony, and I invited him to
dinner, after having prevailed upon him to send away his myrmidons,
whom, nevertheless, he ordered to return at eleven o'clock at night. We
conversed together with great gaiety and mirth. When I rallied him for
visiting me in such a dishabille, he stood on tiptoe to view himself in
the glass; and, owning I was in the right, said he would go and dress
himself before dinner. He accordingly went away, charging my maid to
give him entrance at his return; and he was no sooner gone than I wrote
to Mr. S--, giving him an account of what had happened. Then, without
having determined on any certain plan, I huddled on my clothes, muffled
myself up, and calling a chair, went to the next tavern, where I
stayed no longer than was sufficient to change my vehicle; and, to the
astonishment of the drawers, who could not conceive the meaning of
my perturbation, proceeded to a shop in the neighbourhood, where I
dismissed my second chair, and procured a hackney-coach, in which I
repaired to the lodgings of my lawyer, whom I could trust. Having made
him acquainted with the circumstances of my distress, and consulted him
about a proper place of retreat, after some recollection, he directed me
to a little house in a court, to which, by the assistance of my lover,
my woman and clothes were safely conveyed that same evening.

"My lord, however, came to dinner, according to invitation, and did not
seem at all alarmed when my maid told him I was gone, but stepped to my
lawyer to know if he thought I should return. Upon his answering in the
affirmative, and advising his lordship to go back in the meantime, and
eat the dinner I had provided, he very deliberately took his advice,
made a very hearty meal, drank his bottle of wine, and, as I did not
return according to his expectation, withdrew in order to consult his
associates. This motion of his furnished my woman with an opportunity of
making her retreat; and, when he returned at night, the coast was clear,
and he found nobody in the house, but a porter, who had been left to
take care of the furniture. He was so enraged at this disappointment,
that he made a furious noise, which raised the whole neighbourhood,
reinforced his crew with the authority of a justice of the peace,
tarried in the street till three o'clock in the morning, discharged a
lodging he had hired at a barber's shop opposite to the house from which
I had escaped, and retired with the comfortable reflection of having
done everything which a man could do to retrieve me.

"The hurry of spirits and surprise I had undergone in effecting this
retreat, produced such a disorder in my constitution, that I began
to fear I should be delivered before I could be provided with the
necessaries for the occasion. I signified my apprehension to Mr.
S--, who, with infinite care and concern, endeavoured to find a more
convenient place; and, after all his inquiries, was obliged to fix upon
a paltry apartment in the city, though his tenderness was extremely
shocked at the necessity of choosing it. However, there was no remedy,
nor time to be lost, To this miserable habitation I was carried in a
hackney-coach; and, though extremely ill, bore my fate with spirit and
resignation, in testimony of my sincere and indelible attachment to
my lover, for whose case and pleasure, I could have suffered every
inconvenience, and even sacrificed my life.

"Immediately after I had taken possession of my wretched apartment, I
was constrained by my indisposition to go to bed, and send for necessary
help; and in a few hours a living pledge of my love and indiscretion saw
the light, though the terrors and fatigue I had undergone had affected
this little innocent so severely, that it scarce discovered any
visible signs of life. My grief at this misfortune was inexpressible. I
forthwith despatched a message to the dear, the anxious father, who flew
to my arms, and shared my sorrow, with all the gentleness of love
and parental fondness; yet our fears were, for that time, happily
disappointed by the recovery of our infant daughter, who was committed
to the charge of a nurse in the neighbourhood; so that I could every day
be satisfied in my inquiries about her health. Thus I continued a whole
fortnight in a state of happiness and tranquility, being blessed with
the conversation and tender offices of my admirer, whose love and
attention I wholly engrossed. In a word, he gave up all business and
amusement, and concentrated all his care and assiduity in ministering to
my ease and satisfaction: and sure I had no cause to regret what I had
suffered on his account.

"But this my agreeable situation was one day disturbed by a most
alarming accident, by which my life was drawn into imminent danger. The
room under my bed-chamber took fire: I immediately smelt it, and saw the
people about me in the utmost perplexity and consternation, though they
would not own the true cause of their confusion, lest my health should
suffer in the fright. Nevertheless, I was so calm in my inquiries, that
they ventured to tell me my suspicion was but too just; upon which I
gave such directions as I thought would secure me from catching cold,
in case there should be a necessity for removing me; but the fire being
happily extinguished, I escaped that ceremony, which might have cost me
my life. Indeed, it was surprising that the agitation of my spirits did
not produce some fatal effect upon my constitution; and I looked upon my
deliverance as the protection of a particular providence.

"Though I escaped the hazard of a sudden removal, I found it was high
time to change my lodgings, because the neighbours rushing into the
house, upon the alarm of fire, had discovered my situation, though they
were ignorant of my name; and I did not think myself safe in being
the subject of their conjectures. Mr. S--, therefore, procured another
compartment, with better accommodation, to which I was carried as soon
as my health would admit of my removal; and soon after my lord wrote
to me by the hands of my lawyer, earnestly entreating me to drop my
prosecution, and come home; but I would not comply with his request; and
nothing was farther from my intention than the desire of receiving any
favours at his hands.

"Thus repulsed, he set on foot a most accurate search for my person; in
the course of which he is said to have detected several ladies and young
girls, who had reasons for keeping themselves concealed; and had like
to have been very severely handled for his impertinent curiosity. Being
unsuccessful in all his attempts, he entered into a treaty with one
Sir R-- H--, a person of a very indifferent character, who undertook
to furnish him with an infallible expedient to discover the place of my
abode, if he would gratify him with a bond for a thousand pounds; which
being executed accordingly, this worthy knight advertised me and my maid
in the public papers, offering one hundred pounds as a reward to any
person who should disclose the place of our retirement.

"As soon as the paper fell into my hands, I was again involved in
perplexity; and, being afraid of staying in town, resolved, with the
concurrence of my lover, to accept of an invitation I had received from
the duke of K--, who had by this time arrived in England, with that lady
whom I have already mentioned as one of our parties at Paris. Having
visited my little infant, I next day set out for the duke's country
seat, which is a most elegant chateau, and stands in a charming
situation. Mr. S--- followed in a few days. We met with a very cordial
reception; his grace was civil and good-natured, lived nobly, and loved
pleasure; Madame de la T-- was formed to please. There was always a
great deal of company in the house; so that we passed our time agreeably
in playing at billiards and cards, hunting, walking, reading, and
conversation.

"But my terms of happiness were generally of short duration. In the
midst of this felicity I was overtaken by a most severe affliction, in
the death of my dear hapless infant, who had engrossed a greater share
of my tenderness than perhaps I even should have paid to the offspring
of a legitimate contract; because the circumstance of her birth would
have been an insurmountable misfortune to her through the whole course
of her life, and rendered her absolutely dependent on my love and
protection.

"While I still lamented the untimely fate of this fair blossom, Lord
-- came down, and demanded me as his wife; but the suit which I then
maintained against him deprived him, for the present, of a husband's
right; and therefore the duke would not deliver me into his hands.
In six months he repeated his visit and demand; and an agreement was
patched up, in consequence of which I consented to live in the same
house with him, on condition that he should never desire to sleep with
me, or take any other measure to disturb my peace; otherwise I should
be at liberty to leave him again, and entitled to the provision of a
separate maintenance. To these articles I assented, by the advice of my
lawyers, with a view of obtaining the payment of my pin-money, which I
had never received since our parting, but subsisted on the sale of my
jewels, which were very considerable, and had been presented to me with
full power of alienation. As to my lover, he had no fortune to support
me; and for that reason I was scrupulously cautious of augmenting his
expense.

"We had now enjoyed each other's company for three years, during which
our mutual passions had suffered no abatement, nor had my happiness been
mixed with any considerable alloy, except that late stroke of providence
which I have already mentioned, and the reflection of the sorrow that
my conduct had entailed upon my dear father, whom I loved beyond
expression, and whom nothing could have compelled me to disoblige but a
more powerful flame, that prevailed over every other consideration. As I
was now forced to break off this enchanting correspondence, it is not to
be doubted that our parting cost us the most acute sensations of grief
and disappointment. However, there was no remedy. I tore myself from
his arms, took my leave of the family, after having acknowledged my
obligations to the duke, and set out for the place of rendezvous, where
I was met by my lord, attended by a steward whom he had lately engaged,
and who was one chief cause of our future separations. My lord, having
quitted his house in town, conducted me to his lodgings in Pall Mall,
and insisted upon sleeping with me the first night; but I refused to
gratify his desire, on the authority of our agreement.

"This dispute produced a quarrel, in consequence of which I attempted to
leave the house. He endeavouring to prevent my retreat, I fairly locked
him in, ran down-stairs, and, calling a hackney-coach, made the best of
my way into the city, to my father's lodgings, where I lay, the family
being in town, though he himself was in the country. I wrote to him
immediately; and, when he came to London, declared my intention of
separating from my lord; in which, seeing me obstinate and determined,
he at length acquiesced, and a formal separation accordingly ensued,
which at that time I thought binding and immutable.

"I was now sheltered under the wings of an indulgent father, who had
taken me into favour again, on the supposition that my commerce with Mr.
S-- was absolutely at an end. Nevertheless, though we had separated,
in all appearance for ever, we had previously agreed to maintain our
correspondence in private interviews, which should escape the notice of
the world, with which I was again obliged to keep some measures.

"Our parting at the duke of K--'s house in the country was attended with
all the genuine marks of sincere and reciprocal affection, and I lived
in the sweet hope of seeing him again, in all the transport of his
former passion, when my lawyer, who received my letters, brought me a
billet one night, just as I had gone to bed. Seeing the superscription
of S--'s handwriting, I opened it with all the impatience of an absent
lover; but how shall I describe the astonishment and consternation with
which I was seized, when I perused the contents! Instead of the most
tender vows and protestations, this fatal epistle began with, Madam,
the best thing you can do is to return to your father, or some cold and
killing expression to that effect.

"Heaven and earth! what did I feel at this dire conjuncture! the light
forsook my eyes, a cold sweat bedewed my limbs, and I was overwhelmed
with such a torrent of sorrow and surprise, that everybody present
believed I would have died under the violent agitation. They endeavoured
to support my spirits with repeated draughts of strong liquor, which had
no sensible effect upon my constitution, though for eight whole years
I had drunk nothing stronger than water; and I must have infallibly
perished in the first ecstasy of my grief, had it not made its way in
a fit of tears and exclamation, in which I continued all night, to the
amazement of the family, whom my condition had alarmed, and raised from
their repose. My father was the only person who guessed the cause of
my affliction; he said he was sure I had received some ill-usage in
a letter or message from that rascal S--; so he termed him in the
bitterness of passion.

"At mention of that name, my agony redoubled to such a degree that
all who were present wept at sight of my deplorable condition. My poor
father shed a flood of tears, and conjured me to tell him the cause of
my disquiet; upon which, rather than confess the truth, I amused his
concern by pretending that my lover was ill. The whole family having
stayed by me till I was a little more composed, left me to the care of
my maid, who put me into bed about six in the morning, but I enjoyed no
rest. I revolved every circumstance of my conduct, endeavouring to find
out the cause of this fatal change in S--'s disposition; and as I could
recollect nothing which could justly give offence, concluded that some
malicious persons had abused his ears with stories to my prejudice.

"With this conjecture I got up, and sent my lawyer to him with a letter,
wherein I insisted upon seeing him, that I might have an opportunity of
justifying myself in person; a task which would be easily performed,
as I had never offended, but in loving too well. I waited with the most
anxious impatience for the return of my messenger, who brought me an
answer couched in the coldest terms of civility which indifference
could dictate; acknowledging, however, that he had nothing to lay to my
charge, but that it was for the good of us both that we should part. He
ought to have reflected on that before, not after I had sacrificed my
all for his love! I was well-nigh distracted by this confirmation of
his inconstancy; and I wonder to this day how I retained the use of my
reason under such circumstances of horror and despair! My grief laid
aside all decorum and restraint; I told my father that S-- was dying,
and that I would visit him with all expedition.

"Startled at the proposal, this careful parent demonstrated the fatal
consequence of such an unguarded step, reminded me of the difficulty
with which he had prevailed upon my mother and uncle to forgive my
former imprudence, observed that his intention was to carry me into the
country next day, in order to effect a perfect reconciliation; but now
I was on the brink of forfeiting all pretensions to their regard, by
committing another fatal error, which could not possibly be retrieved;
and that, for his part, whatever pangs it might cost him, he was
resolved to banish me from his sight for ever.

"While he uttered this declaration, the tears trickled down his cheeks,
and he seemed overwhelmed with the keenest sorrow and mortification;
so it may be easily conceived what were the impressions of my grief,
reinforced with the affliction of a father whom I dearly loved, and the
consciousness of being the cause of all his disquiet! I was struck dumb
with remorse and woe; and, when I recovered the use of speech, I told
him how sensible I was of his great goodness and humanity, and owned
how little I deserved his favour and affection; that the sense of my own
unworthiness was one cause of my present distraction; for such was the
condition of my fate, that I must either see S-- or die. I said,
though I could not expect his forgiveness, I was surely worthy of his
compassion; that nothing but the most irresistible passion could have
misled me at first from my duty, or tempted me to incur the least degree
of his displeasure; that the same fatal influence still prevailed, and
would, in all probability, continue to the grave, which was the only
abode in which I hoped for peace.

"While I expressed myself in this manner, my dear good father wept with
the most tender sympathy, and, saying I might do as I pleased, for he
had done with me, quitted the room, leaving me to the cruel sensations
of my own heart, which almost burst with anguish, upbraiding me with a
fault which I could not help committing. I immediately hired a
chariot and six, and would have set out by myself, had not my father's
affection, which all my errors could not efface, provided an attendant.
He saw me quite delirious and desperate; and therefore engaged a
relation of my own to accompany and take care of me in this rash
expedition.

"During this journey, which lasted two days, I felt no remission
of grief and anxiety, but underwent the most intolerable sorrow and
suspense. At last we arrived at a little house called the Hut, on
Salisbury Plain, where, in the most frantic agitation, I wrote a letter
to S--, describing the miserable condition to which I was reduced by
his unkindness, and desiring to see him, with the most earnest
solicitations. This billet I committed to the care of my attendant, and
laid strong injunctions upon him to tell Mr. S--, my injuries were so
great, and my despair so violent, that, if he did not favour me with a
visit, I would go to him, though at his sister's house, where he then
was.

"He received my message with great coldness, and told my friend, that,
if I would return to London without insisting upon the interview I
demanded, he would, in a little time, follow me to town, and everything
should be amicably adjusted; but when the messenger assured him, that
I was too much transported with grief to hear of such a proposal, he
consented to meet me in the middle of Salisbury Plain, that we might
avoid all observation. And though I was little able to walk, I set
out for the place of assignation, my companion following at a small
distance.

"When I saw him leading his horse down the hill, I collected all my
fortitude, and advanced to him with all the speed I could exert; but
when I made an effort to speak, my tongue denied its office, and so
lively was the expression of unutterable sorrow in my countenance, that
his heart, hard as it was, melted at the sight of my sufferings, which
he well knew proceeded from the sincerity of my love. At length I
recovered the use of speech enough to tell him, that I was come to take
my leave; and, when I would have proceeded, my voice failed me again.
But, after a considerable pause, I found means, with great difficulty,
to let him know how sensible I was of my own incapacity to retrieve
his lost affections; but that I was willing, if possible, to retain
his esteem, of which could I be assured, I would endeavour to compose
myself; that I was determined to leave the kingdom, because I could not
bear the sight of those places where we had been so happy in our mutual
love; and that, till my departure, I hoped he would visit me sometimes,
that I might, by degrees, wean myself from his company; for I should not
be able to survive the shock of being deprived of him all at once.

"This address may seem very humble to an unconcerned observer; but love
will tame the proudest disposition, as plainly appeared in my case; for
I had naturally as much spirit, or more, than the generality of people
have. Mr. S-- was so much confounded at the manner of my behaviour,
that he scarce knew what answer to make; for, as he afterwards owned,
he expected to hear himself upbraided; but he was not proof against my
tenderness. After some hesitation, he said, he never meant to forsake
me entirely, that his affection was still unimpaired, and that he would
follow me directly to London. I imposed upon myself, and believed what
he said, because I could not bear to think of parting with him for ever,
and returned to town in a more tranquil state of mind than that in which
I had left my father, though my heart was far from being at ease; my
fears being ingenious enough to foresee, that I should never be able to
overcome his indifference.

"I took lodgings in Mount-street, and my maid having disposed of herself
in marriage, hired another, who supplied her place very much to my
satisfaction. She was a good girl, had a particular attachment to
me, and for many years, during which she lived in my service, was
indefatigably assiduous in contributing to my ease, or rather in
alleviating my affliction. For, though S-- came up to town according to
promise, and renewed a sort of correspondence with me for the space of
five months, his complaisance would extend no farther; and he gave me
to understand, that he had determined to go abroad with Mr. V--; whom he
accordingly accompanied in his envoying to D--.

"I understood the real cause of this expedition, which, notwithstanding
his oaths and protestations of unabated love and regard, I construed
into a palpable mark of dislike and disrespect; nor could the repeated
assurances I received from him in letters mitigate the anguish and
mortification that preyed upon my heart. I therefore gave up all hopes
of recovering the happiness I had lost. I told him on the eve of his
departure, that he might exercise his gallantry a great while, before he
would meet with my fellow, in point of sincerity and love; for I would
rather have been a servant in his house, with the privilege of seeing
him, than the queen of England debarred of that pleasure.

"When he took his leave, and went down-stairs, I shrunk at every step he
made, as if a new wound had been inflicted upon me and when I heard the
door shut behind him, my heart died within me. I had the satisfaction
to hear afterwards, he lamented the loss of me prodigiously, and that he
had never been so happy since. I sat down to write a letter, in which I
forgave his indifference, because I knew the affections are altogether
involuntary, and wished him all the happiness he deserved. I then walked
up and down the room in the most restless anxiety, was put to bed by my
maid, rose at six, mounted my horse and rode forty miles, in order to
fatigue myself that I might next night enjoy some repose. This exercise
I daily underwent for months together; and, when it did not answer my
purpose, I used to walk round Hyde-park in the evening, when the place
was quite solitary and unvisited by any other human creature.

"In the course of this melancholy perambulation, I was one day accosted
by a very great man, who, after the first salutation, asked whether or
not my intercourse with S-- was at an end, and if I had any allowance
from my husband. To the first of these questions I replied in the
affirmative; and to the last answered, that my lord did not allow me a
great deal; indeed, I might have truly said nothing at all; but I was
too proud to own my indigence. He then expressed his wonder, how one
like me, who had been used to splendour and affluence from my cradle,
could make shift to live in my present narrow circumstances; and, when I
told him that I could make a very good shift, so I had peace, he seemed
to lament my situation, and very kindly invited me to sup with his wife
at his house. I accepted the invitation, without any apprehension of
the consequence; and, when I went to the place, was introduced into an
apartment magnificently lighted up, I suppose, for my reception.

"After I had stayed alone for some time in this mysterious situation,
without seeing a living soul, my inviter appeared, and said, he hoped
I would not take it amiss that he and I were to sup by ourselves, as he
had something to say, which could not be so properly communicated before
company or servants. I then, for the first time, perceived his drift,
to my no small surprise and indignation; and, with evident marks of
displeasure, told him, I was sure he had nothing to propose that would
be agreeable to my inclination, and that I would immediately leave the
house. Upon which he gave me to understand, that I could not possibly
retire, because he had sent away my chair, and all his servants were
disposed to obey his orders.

"Incensed at this declaration, which I considered as an insult, I
answered, with an air of resolution, it was very well; I despised his
contrivance, and was afraid of nothing. Seeing me thus alarmed, he
assured me I had no reason to be afraid; that he had loved me long, and
could find no other opportunity of declaring his passion. He said the
Q-- had told him that Lord -- had renewed his addresses to me; and,
as he understood from my own mouth, my correspondence with S-- was
absolutely broke off, he thought himself as well entitled as another to
my regard. In conclusion, he told me that I might command his purse, and
that he had power enough to bring me into the world again with eclat. To
these advances I replied, that he was very much mistaken in his opinion
of my character, if he imagined I was to be won by any temptations of
fortune; and very frankly declared, that I would rather give myself to a
footman, than sell myself to a prince.

"Supper being served, we sat down together; but I would neither eat
nor drink anything, except a little bread and water; for I was an odd
whimsical girl, and it came into my head, that he might perhaps have
mixed something in the victuals or wine, which would alter my way of
thinking. In short, finding himself baffled in all his endeavours, he
permitted me about twelve o'clock to depart in peace, and gave up his
suit as a desperate cause.

"This uncomfortable life did I lead for a whole twelvemonth, without
feeling the least abatement of my melancholy. Finding myself worn to a
skeleton, I resumed my former resolution of trying to profit by change
of place, and actually went abroad, with no other attendant than my
woman, and the utmost indifference for life. My intention was to have
gone to the south of France, where I thought I could have subsisted on
the little I had left, which amounted to five hundred pounds, until the
issue of my law-suit, by which I hoped to obtain some provision from my
lord; and, without all doubt, my expectation would have been answered,
had I put this my plan in execution; but, being at Paris, from whence
I proposed to set forward in a few days, I sent to M. K--, who had been
formerly intimate with my father, and shown me many civilities during my
first residence in France.

"This gentleman favoured me with a visit, and, when I made him
acquainted with my scheme, dissuaded me from it, as an uncomfortable
determination. He advised me to stay at Paris, where, with good economy,
I could live as cheap as in any other place, and enjoy the conversation
and countenance of my friends, among which number he declared himself
one of the most faithful. He assured me, that I should be always welcome
to his table, and want for nothing. He promised to recommend me as a
lodger to a friend of his, with whom I would live in a frugal and decent
manner; and observed, that, as the woman was well known and esteemed by
all the English company in Paris, it would be the most reputable step
I could take, considering my youth and situation, to lodge with a
creditable person, who could answer for my conduct. Thus persuaded, I
very simply followed his advice; I say simply, because, notwithstanding
his representations, I soon found my money melt away, without any
prospect of a fresh supply. In lieu of this, however, I passed my time
very agreeably in several English and some French families, where, in a
little time, I became quite intimate, saw a great deal of company, and
was treated with the utmost politeness and regard; yet, in the midst of
these pleasures, many a melancholy sigh would rise at the remembrance of
my beloved S--, whom, for several years, I could not recollect without
emotion; but time, company, amusements, and change of place, in a great
measure dissipated these ideas, and enabled me to bear my fate with
patience and resignation.

"On my last arrival at Paris, I was surrounded by a crowd of professed
admirers, who sighed and flattered in the usual forms; but, besides
that my heart was not in a condition to contract new engagements, I was
prepossessed against them all, by supposing that they presumed upon
the knowledge of my indiscretion with S--; and therefore rejected their
addresses with detestation and disdain; for, as I have already observed,
I was not to be won but by the appearance of esteem, and the most
respectful carriage; and though, by a false step, I had, in my own
opinion, forfeited my title to the one, I was resolved to discourage the
advances of any man who seemed deficient in the other.

"In this manner my lovers were one by one repulsed, almost as soon as
they presented themselves, and I preserved the independence of my heart,
until I became acquainted with a certain peer, whom I often saw at the
house of Mrs. P--, an English lady then resident at Paris. This young
nobleman professed himself deeply enamoured of me, in a style so
different from that of my other admirers, that I heard his protestations
without disgust; and, though my inclinations were still free, could not
find in my heart to discountenance his addresses, which were preferred
with the most engaging modesty, disinterestedness, and respect.

"By these never-failing arts, he gradually conquered my indifference,
and gained the preference in my esteem from Lord C-- and the prince of
C--, who were at that time his rivals. But what contributed more than
any consideration to his success was his declaring openly, that he would
marry me without hesitation, as soon as I could obtain a divorce from
my present husband, which, in all probability, might have been easily
procured; for, before I left England, Lord -- had offered me five
thousand pounds if I would consent to such a mutual release, that he
might be at liberty to espouse one Miss W--, of Kent, to whom he then
made love upon honourable terms; but I was fool enough to refuse his
proposal, by the advice of S--. And whether or not his lordship, finding
it impracticable to wed his new mistress, began to make love upon
another footing, I know not; but, certain it is, the mother forbade
him the house, a circumstance which he took so heinously ill, that
he appealed to the world in a public advertisement, beginning with
'Whereas, for some time, I have passionately loved Miss W--, and, upon
my not complying with the mother's proposals, they have turned me out of
doors, this is to justify,' etc.

"This declaration, signed with his name, was actually printed in a
number of detached advertisements, which he ordered to be distributed to
the public; and afterwards, being convinced by some of his friends
that he had done a very silly thing, he recalled them at half a guinea
apiece. A copy of one of them was sent to me at Paris, and I believe my
father has now one of the originals in his possession. After this wise
vindication of his conduct, he made an attempt to carry off the lady
from church by force of arms; but she was rescued by the neighbours,
headed by her brother, who, being an attorney, had like to have made his
lordship smart severely for this exploit.

"Meanwhile my new admirer had made some progress in my heart; and, my
finances being exhausted, I was reduced to the alternative of returning
to Lord -- again, or accepting Earl B--'s love. When my affairs were
brought to an issue, I made no hesitation in my choice, putting myself
under the protection of a man of honour whom I esteemed, rather than
suffer every sort of mortification from a person who was the object of
my abhorrence and contempt. From a mistaken pride, I chose to live in
Lord B--'s house, rather than be maintained at his expense in another
place. We spent several months agreeably in balls and other diversions,
visited Lord B--, who lived at the distance of a few leagues from Paris,
and stayed some days at his house, where the entertainment was, in all
respects, delightful, elegant, and refined. Their habitation was the
rendezvous of the best company in France; and Lady B-- maintained
the same superiority in her own sex, for which her lord is so justly
distinguished among the men.

"About Christmas we set out for England, accompanied by a little North
Briton, who lived with Lord B-- as his companion, and did not at all
approve of our correspondence; whether out of real friendship for his
patron, or apprehension that in time I might supersede his own influence
with my lord, I shall not pretend to determine. Be that as it will, the
frost was so severe, that we were detained ten days at Calais before
we could get out of the harbour; and, during that time, I reflected
seriously on what my new lover proposed. As he was very young, and
unacquainted with the world, I thought my story might have escaped him;
and therefore determined to give him a faithful detail of the whole,
that he might not have anything to reproach me with in the sequel;
besides, I did not think it honest to engage him to do more for me
than he might afterwards perhaps think I was worth. Accordingly, I
communicated to him every particular of my life; and the narration,
far from altering his sentiments, rather confirmed his good opinion, by
exhibiting an undoubted proof of my frankness and sincerity. In short,
he behaved with such generosity, as made an absolute conquest of my
heart. But my love was of a different kind from that which had formerly
reigned within my breast, being founded upon the warmest gratitude and
esteem, exclusive of any other consideration, though his person was very
agreeable, and his address engaging.

"When we arrived in England, I went directly to his country seat, about
twelve miles from London, where he soon joined me, and we lived some
time in perfect retirement. His relations being greatly alarmed with the
apprehension that Lord -- would bring an action against him, though he
himself desired nothing more, and lived so easy under that expectation,
that they soon laid aside their fears on his account.

"We were visited by Mr. H. B--, a relation of my lord, and one Mr. R--,
of the Guards, who, with the little Scotchman and my lover, made an
agreeable set, among whom I enjoyed hunting, and all manner of country
diversions. As to Mr. H. B--, if ever there was perfection in one
man, it centred in him; or, at least, he, of all the men I ever knew,
approached the nearest to that idea which I had conceived of a perfect
character. He was both good and great, possessed an uncommon genius, and
the best of hearts. Mr. R-- was a very sociable man, had a good person,
and cultivated understanding; and my lord was excessively good-humoured;
so that, with such companions, no place could be dull or insipid. For
my own part, I conducted the family; and, as I endeavoured to please and
make everybody happy, I had the good fortune to succeed. Mr. B-- told
me, that before he saw me, he heard I was a fool; but finding, as he was
pleased to say, that I had been egregiously misrepresented, he courted
my friendship, and a correspondence commenced between us. Indeed, it was
impossible for any person to know him, without entertaining the utmost
esteem and veneration for his virtue.

"After I had lived some time in this agreeable retreat, my husband began
to make a bustle. He sent a message, demanding me from Lord B--; then
came in person, with his nightcap in his pocket, intending to have
stayed all night, had he been asked, and attended by a relation, whom
he assured that I was very fond of him, and detained by force from his
arms. Finding himself disappointed in his expectations, he commenced a
law-suit against Lord B--, though not for a divorce, as we desired,
but with a view to reclaim me as his lawful wife. His lawyers, however,
attempted to prove criminal conversation, in hopes of extorting money
from my lover. But their endeavours were altogether fruitless; for no
servant of Lord B--'s or mine could with justice say we were ever seen
to trespass against modesty and decorum; so that the plaintiff was
nonsuited. While this cause was depending, all my lover's friends
expressed fear and concern for the issue, while he himself behaved with
the utmost resolution, and gave me such convincing proofs of a strong
and steady affection, as augmented my gratitude, and riveted the ties of
my love, which was unblemished, faithful, and sincere.

"Soon after this event, I was seized with a violent fit of illness, in
which I was visited by my father, and attended by two physicians, one of
whom despaired of my life, and took his leave accordingly; but Dr.
S--, who was the other, persisted in his attendance, and, in all human
appearance, saved my life; a circumstance by which he acquired a great
share of reputation. Yet, notwithstanding all his assistance, I was
confined to my bed for ten weeks; during which Lord B--'s grief was
immoderate, his care and generosity unlimited. While I lay in this
extremity, Mr. S--, penetrated by my melancholy condition, which revived
his tenderness, begged leave to be admitted to my presence; and Lord B--
would have complied with his request, had I not been judged too weak to
bear the shock of such an interview. My constitution, however, agreeably
disappointed my fears; and the fever had no sooner left me, than I was
removed to a hunting seat belonging to my lover, from whence, after I
had recovered my strength, we went to B-- castle, where we kept open
house. And, while we remained at this place, Lord B-- received a letter
from Lord --, dated in November, challenging him to single combat in
May, upon the frontiers of France and Flanders. This defiance was
sent in consequence of what had passed between them long before my
indisposition, at a meeting in a certain tavern, where they quarrelled,
and in the fray, my lover threw his antagonist under the table. I
counselled him to take no notice of this rhodomontade, which I knew was
void of all intention of performance; and he was wise enough to follow
my advice, resolved, however, should the message be repeated, to take
the challenger at his word.

"Having resided some time at this place, we returned to the other
country house which he had left, where Lord B-- addicted himself so
much to hunting, and other male diversions, that I began to think he
neglected me, and apprised him of my suspicion, assuring him, at the
same time, that I would leave him as soon as my opinion should be
confirmed. This declaration had no effect upon his behaviour, which
became so remarkably cold, that even Mr. R--, who lived with us,
imagined that his affection was palpably diminished. When I went to
town, I was usually attended by his cousin, or this gentleman, or both,
but seldom favoured with his company; nay, when I repaired to Bath, for
the re-establishment of my health, he permitted me to go alone; so that
I was quite persuaded of his indifference; and yet I was mistaken in my
opinion. But I had been spoiled by the behaviour of my first husband,
and Mr. S--, who never quitted me for the sake of any amusement, and
often resisted the calls of the most urgent business, rather than part
from me, though but for a few hours. I thought every man who loved me
truly would act in the same manner; and, whether I am right or wrong
in my conjectures, I leave wiser casuists to judge. Certain it is,
such sacrifice and devotion is the most pleasing proof of an admirer's
passion; and, Voyez-moi plus souvent, et ne me donnez rien, is one of my
favourite maxims. A man may give money, because he is profuse; he may
be violently fond, because he is of a sanguine constitution. But, if he
gives me his time, he gives me an unquestionable proof of my being in
full possession of his heart.

"My appearance at Bath, without the company of Lord B--, occasioned a
general surprise, and encouraged the men to pester me with addresses,
every new admirer endeavouring to advance his suit by demonstrating the
unkind and disrespectful behaviour of his lordship. Indeed, this was
the most effectual string they could touch. My pride and resentment were
alarmed, I was weak enough to listen to one man, who had like to have
insinuated himself into my inclinations. He was tall and large-boned,
with white hair, inclining to what is called sandy, and had the
reputation of being handsome, though I think he scarce deserved that
epithet. He possessed a large fortune, loved mischief, and stuck
at nothing for the accomplishment of his designs, one of his chief
pleasures being that of setting any two lovers at variance. He employed
his address upon me with great assiduity, and knew so well how to
manage my resentment, that I was pleased with his manner, heard his vows
without disgust, and, in a word, promised to deliberate with myself upon
his proposals, and give him an account of my determination in writing.

"Thus resolved, I went to Lord B--, in Wiltshire, whither I was followed
by this pretender to my heart, who visited us on the footing of an
acquaintance; but when I reflected on what I had done, I condemned my
own conduct as indiscreet, though nothing decisive had passed between
us, and began to hate him in proportion to the self-conviction I felt,
perceiving that I had involved myself in a difficulty from which I
should not be easily disengaged. For the present, however, I found means
to postpone my declaration. He admitted my excuse, and I returned to
London with Lord B--, who was again summoned to the field by his former
challenger.

"H--d--n, governor, counsellor, and steward to this little hero, came to
Lord B-- with a verbal message, importing that his lordship had changed
his mind about going to Flanders, but expected to meet him, on such
a day and hour, in the burying-ground near Red Lion-square. Lord B--
accepted the challenge, and gave me an account of what had passed; but
he had been anticipated by the messenger, who had already tried to alarm
my fears from the consideration of the consequence, that I might take
some measures to prevent their meeting. I perceived his drift, and told
him plainly, that Lord ---- had no intention to risk his person, though
he endeavoured with all his might to persuade me, that his principal was
desperate and determined. I knew my little husband too well to think
he would bring matters to any dangerous issue, and was apprehensive of
nothing but foul play, from the villainy of H--d--n, with which I was
equally well acquainted. Indeed, I signified my doubts on that score to
Mr. B--, who would have attended his kinsman to the field, had he not
thought he might be liable to censure, if anything should happen to Lord
B--, because he himself was heir at law: for that reason he judiciously
declined being personally concerned; and we pitched upon the earl of
A--, his lordship's uncle, who willingly undertook the office.

"At the appointed time they went to the house of rendezvous, where they
had not waited long when the challenger appeared, in a new pink satin
waistcoat, which he had put on for the occasion, with his sword under
his arm, and his steward by him, leaving, in a hackney-coach at some
distance, a surgeon whom he had provided for the care of his person.
Thus equipped he advanced to his antagonist, and desired him to choose
his ground; upon which Lord B-- told him, that if he must fall, it was
not material which grave he should tumble over.

"Our little hero, finding him so jocose and determined, turned to
Lord A--, and desired to speak with him, that he might disburden his
conscience before they should begin the work of death. They accordingly
went aside; and he gave him to understand, that his motive for fighting,
was Lord B--'s detaining his wife from him by compulsion. The earl of
A-- assured him, he was egregiously mistaken in his conjecture; that his
nephew used no force or undue influence to keep me in his house; but it
could not be expected that he would turn me out of doors.

"This explanation was altogether satisfactory to Lord --, who said he
was far from being so unreasonable as to expect Lord B-- would commit
such a breach of hospitality; and all he desired was, that his wife
should be left to her own inclinations. Upon these articles, peace was
concluded, and they parted without bloodshed. At least these are the
particulars of the story, as they were related by Lord A--, with whom
I laughed heartily at the adventure, for I never doubted that the
challenger would find some expedient to prevent the duel, though I
wondered how he mustered up resolution enough to carry it so far.

"That he might not, however, give us any more trouble, we resolved to
go and enjoy ourselves in France, whither I went by myself, in hopes of
being soon joined by my lover, who was obliged to stay some time longer
in England, to settle his affairs. He was so much affected at our
parting, though but for a few weeks, that he was almost distracted.
And this affliction renewed my tenderness for him, because it was an
undoubted proof of his love. I wrote to him every post from France; and,
as I had no secrets, desired him to take care of all the letters that
should come to his house, directed to me, after my departure from
England.

"This was an unfortunate office for him, in the execution of which he
chanced to open a letter from Sir T-- A--, with whom, as I have already
observed, I had some correspondence at Bath. I had according to my
promise, given this gentleman a decisive answer, importing that I
was determined to remain in my present situation; but as Lord B-- was
ignorant of my sentiments in that particular, and perceived from the
letter that something extraordinary had passed between us, and that
I was earnestly solicited to leave him, he was seized with the utmost
consternation and concern; and, having previously obtained the king's
leave to go abroad, set out that very night for France, leaving his
affairs in the greatest confusion.

"Sir T-- A-- hearing I was gone, without understanding the cause of my
departure, took the same route, and both arrived at Dover next day. They
heard of each other's motions. Each bribed the master of a packet-boat
to transport him with expedition; but that depending upon the wind, both
reached Calais at the same time, though in different vessels. Sir
T-- sent his valet-de-chambre post, with a letter, entreating me to
accompany him into Italy, where he would make me mistress of his whole
fortune, and to set out directly for that country, that he might not
lose me by the arrival of Lord B--, promising to join me on the road,
if I would consent to make him happy. I sent his messenger back with
an answer, wherein I expressed surprise at his proposals, after having
signified my resolution to him before I left England. He was scarce
dismissed, when I received another letter from Lord B--, beseeching me
to meet him at Clermont, upon the road from Calais; and conjuring me
to avoid the sight of his rival, should he get the start of him in
travelling. This, however, was not likely to be the case, as Lord B--
rode post, and the other was, by his corpulence, obliged to travel in
a chaise; yet, that I might not increase his anxiety, I left Paris
immediately on the receipt of his message, and met him at the appointed
place, where he received me with all the agitation of joy and fear,
and asked if I had ever encouraged Sir T-- A-- in his addresses. I very
candidly told him the whole transaction, at which he was incensed; but
his indignation was soon appeased, when I professed my penitence, and
assured him that I had totally rejected his rival. Not that I approved
of my behaviour to Sir T--, who, I own, was ill-used in this affair; but
surely it was more excusable to halt here, than proceed farther in my
indiscretion.

"My lover being satisfied with my declaration, we went together to
Paris, being attended by the Scotchman, whom I have already mentioned,
though I believe he was not over and above well pleased to see matters
thus amicably compromised. The furious knight followed us to the
capital; insisted on seeing me in person; told this North Briton, that
I was actually engaged to him; wrote every hour, and railed at my
perfidious conduct. I took no notice of these delirious transports,
which were also disregarded by Lord B--, till, one night, he was
exasperated by the insinuations of Mr. C--, who, I believe, inflamed
his jealousy, by hinting a suspicion that I was really in love with his
rival. What passed betwixt them I know not, but he sent for me from the
opera, by a physician of Paris, who was a sort of go-between among us
all, and who told me, that, if I did not come home in the instant, a
duel would be fought on my account.

"I was very much shocked at this information; but, by being used to
alarms from the behaviour of Lord --, I had acquired a pretty good share
of resolution, and with great composure entered the room where Lord B--
was, with his companion, whom I immediately ordered to withdraw. I then
gave his lordship to understand, that I was informed of what had passed,
and thought myself so much injured by the person who had just quitted
the apartment, that I would no longer live under the same roof with
him. Lord B-- raved like a bedlamite, taxing me with want of candour and
affection; but I easily justified my own integrity, and gave him such
assurances of my love, that his jealousy subsided, and his spirits were
recomposed. Nevertheless, I insisted upon his dismissing Mr. C--, on
pain of my leaving the house, as I could not help thinking he had used
his endeavours to prejudice me in the opinion of my lord. If his conduct
was the result of friendship for his patron, he certainly acted the part
of an honest and trusty adherent. But I could not easily forgive
him, because, a few weeks before, he had, by my interest, obtained a
considerable addition to his allowance; and even after the steps he had
taken to disoblige me, I was not so much his enemy but that I prevailed
upon Lord B-- to double his salary, that his leaving the family might
be no detriment to his fortune. His lordship having complied with my
demand, this gentleman, after having stayed three days in the house,
to prepare for his departure, during which I would not suffer him to be
admitted into my presence, made his retreat with a fine young girl, who
was my companion; and I have never seen him since that time.

"Sir T-- still continued furious, and would not take a denial, except
from my own mouth, upon which, with the approbation of Lord B--, I
indulged him with an interview. He entered the apartment with a stern
countenance, and told me I had used him ill. I pleaded guilty to the
charge, and begged his pardon accordingly. I attempted to reason the
case with him, but he would hear no arguments except his own, and even
tried to intimidate me with threats; which provoked me to such a degree,
that I defied his vengeance. I told him, that I feared nothing but the
report of my own conscience; that, though I had acted a simple part, he
durst not say there was anything criminal in my conduct, and that, from
his present frantic and unjust behaviour, I thought myself happy in
having escaped him. He swore I was the most inflexible of all creatures;
asked if nothing would move me; and when I answered, "Nothing," took his
leave, and never after persecuted me with his addresses; though I have
heard he was vain and false enough to boast of favours, which, upon
my honour, he never received, as he himself, at one time, owned to Dr.
Cantwell, at Paris.

"While he underwent all this frenzy and distraction upon my account, he
was loved with the same violence of passion by a certain Scotch lady of
quality, who, when he followed me to France, pursued him thither with
the same eagerness and expedition. Far from being jealous of me as a
rival, she used to come to my house, implore my good offices with the
object of her love, and, laying herself on the floor at full length
before the fire, weep and cry like a person bereft of her senses. She
bitterly complained that he had never obliged her but once; and
begged, with the most earnest supplications, that I would give her an
opportunity of seeing him at my house. But I thought proper to avoid her
company, as soon as I perceived her intention.

"We continued at Paris for some time, during which I contracted an
acquaintance with the sister of Madame de la T--. She was the
supposed mistress of the prince of C--, endowed with a great share of
understanding, and loved pleasure to excess, though she maintained her
reputation on a respectable footing, by living with her husband and
mother. This lady, perceiving that I had inspired her lover with a
passion, which gave me uneasiness on her account, actually practised all
her eloquence and art in persuading me to listen to his love; for it
was a maxim with her to please him at any rate. I was shocked at her
indelicate complaisance, and rejected the proposal as repugnant to my
present engagement, which I held as sacred as any nuptial tie, and much
more binding than a forced or unnatural marriage.

"Upon our return to England, we lived in great harmony and peace, and
nothing was wanting to my happiness, but the one thing to me the most
needful; I mean the enchanting tenderness and delightful enthusiasm of
love. Lord B--'s heart, I believe, felt the soft impressions; and, for
my own part, I loved him with the most faithful affection. It is not
enough to say I wished him well; I had the most delicate, the most
genuine esteem for his virtue; I had an intimate regard and anxiety for
his interest; and felt for him as if he had been my own son. But still
there was a vacancy in my heart; there was not that fervour, that
transport, that ecstasy of passion which I had formerly known; my bosom
was not filled with the little deity; I could not help recalling to my
remembrance the fond, the ravishing moments I had passed with S--. Had
I understood the conditions of life, those pleasures were happily
exchanged for my present situation, because, if I was now deprived
of those rapturous enjoyments, I was also exempted from the cares
and anxiety that attended them; but I was generally extravagant in my
notions of happiness, and therefore construed my present tranquility
into an insipid languor and stagnation of life.

"While I remained in this inactivity of sentiment, Lord --, having
received a very considerable addition to his fortune, sent a message
to me, promising, that if I would leave Lord B--, he would make me
a present of a house and furniture, where I should live at my case,
without being exposed to his visits, except when I should be disposed to
receive them. This proposal he made in consequence of what I had always
declared, namely, that if he had not reduced me to the necessity
of putting myself under the protection of some person or other, by
depriving me of any other means of subsistence, I should never have
given the world the least cause to scandalize my reputation; and that I
would withdraw myself from my present dependence, as soon as he should
enable me to live by myself. I was therefore resolved to be as good as
my word, and accepted his offer, on condition that I should be wholly
at my own disposal, and that he should never enter my door but as a
visitant or common friend.

"These articles being ratified by his word and honour, the value
of which I did not then know, a house was furnished according to my
directions; and I signified my intention to Lord B--, who consented
to my removal, with this proviso, that I should continue to see him. I
wrote also to his relation, Mr. B--, who, in his answer, observed,
that it was too late to advise, when I was actually determined. All my
friends and acquaintance approved of the scheme, though it was one
of the most unjustifiable steps I had ever taken, being a real act of
ingratitude to my benefactor; which I soon did, and always shall regret
and condemn. So little is the world qualified to judge of private
affairs!

"When the time of our parting drew near, Lord B-- became gloomy and
discontented, and even entreated me to postpone my resolution; but I
told him, that now everything was prepared for my reception, I could not
retract without incurring the imputation of folly and extravagance.
On the very day of my departure, Mr. B-- endeavoured, with all the
arguments he could suggest, to dissuade me from my purpose; and I
made use of the same answer which had satisfied his friend. Finding me
determined on removing, he burst out into a flood of tears, exclaiming,
"By God! if Lord B-- can bear it, I can't." I was thunderstruck at this
expression; for though I had been told that Mr. B-- was in love with
me, I gave no credit to the report, because he had never declared his
passion, and this was the first hint of it that ever escaped him in
my hearing. I was therefore so much amazed at the circumstance of this
abrupt explanation, that I could make no answer; but having taken my
leave, went away, ruminating on the unexpected declaration.

"Lord B--, as I was informed, spoke not a word that whole night, and
took my leaving him so much to heart, that two years elapsed before he
got the better of his grief. This intelligence I afterwards received
from his own mouth, and asked his forgiveness for my unkind retreat,
though I shall never be able to obtain my own. As for Mr. B--, he was
overwhelmed with sorrow, and made such efforts to suppress his concern,
as had well nigh cost him his life. Dr. S-- was called to him in the
middle of the night, and found him almost suffocated. He soon guessed
the cause, when he understood that I had left the house. So that I
myself was the only person concerned, who was utterly ignorant of his
affection; for I solemnly declare he never gave me the least reason
to suspect it while I lived with his relation, because he had too much
honour to entertain a thought of supplanting his friend, and too good an
opinion of me to believe he should have succeeded in the attempt. Though
my love for Lord B-- was not so tender and interesting as the passion I
had felt for S--, my fidelity was inviolable, and I never harboured the
most distant thought of any other person, till after I had resolved
to leave him, when, I own, I afforded some small encouragement to the
addresses of a new admirer by telling him, that I should, in a little
time, be my own mistress, though I was not now at my own disposal.

"I enjoyed my new house as a little paradise. It was accommodated with
all sorts of conveniences; everything was new, and therefore pleasing,
and the whole absolutely at my command. I had the company of a relation,
a very good woman, with whom I lived in the most amicable manner; was
visited by the best people in town--I mean those of the male sex, the
ladies having long ago forsaken me; I frequented all reputable places of
public entertainment, and had a concert at home once a week; so that
my days rolled on in happiness and quiet, till all my sweets were
embittered by the vexatious behaviour of my husband, who began to
importune me again to live with him; and by the increasing anxiety of
Lord B--, who, though I still admitted his visits, plainly perceived
that I wanted to relinquish his correspondence. This discovery raised
such tempests of jealousy and despair within his breast, that he kept
me in continual alarm. He sent messages to me every hour, signed his
letters with his own blood, raved like a man in ecstasy of madness,
railed at my ingratitude, and praised my conduct by turns. He offered
to sacrifice everything for my love, to leave the kingdom forthwith, and
live with me for ever in any part of the world where I should choose to
reside.

"These were generous and tempting proposals; but I was beset with
counsellors who were not totally disinterested, and who dissuaded me
from embracing the proffers of my lover, on pretence that Lord -- would
be highly injured by my compliance. I listened to their advice, and
hardened my heart against Lord B--'s sorrow and solicitations. My
behaviour on this occasion is altogether unaccountable; this was the
only time that ever I was a slave to admonition. The condition of Lord
B-- would have melted any heart but mine, and yet mine was one of the
most sensible. He employed his cousin as an advocate with me, till that
gentleman actually refused the office, telling him candidly, that his
own inclinations were too much engaged to permit him to perform the task
with fidelity and truth. He accordingly resolved to avoid my presence,