EVANS. Where is mine host?
  HOST. What is the matter, sir?
  EVANS. Have a care of your entertainments. There is a friend
    of mine come to town tells me there is three
    cozen-germans that has cozen'd all the hosts of Readins,
    of Maidenhead, of Colebrook, of horses and money. I tell you
for
    good will, look you; you are wise, and full of gibes and
    vlouting-stogs, and 'tis not convenient you should be
    cozened. Fare you well.                                 Exit

                  Enter DOCTOR CAIUS

  CAIUS. Vere is mine host de Jarteer?
  HOST. Here, Master Doctor, in perplexity and doubtful
    dilemma.
  CAIUS. I cannot tell vat is dat; but it is tell-a me dat you
    make grand preparation for a Duke de Jamany. By my
    trot, dere is no duke that the court is know to come; I
    tell you for good will. Adieu.                          Exit
  HOST. Hue and cry, villain, go! Assist me, knight; I am
    undone. Fly, run, hue and cry, villain; I am undone.
                                        Exeunt HOST and BARDOLPH
  FALSTAFF. I would all the world might be cozen'd, for I have
    been cozen'd and beaten too. If it should come to the ear
    of the court how I have been transformed, and how my
    transformation hath been wash'd and cudgell'd, they
    would melt me out of my fat, drop by drop, and liquor
    fishermen's boots with me; I warrant they would whip me
    with their fine wits till I were as crestfall'n as a dried
pear.
    I never prosper'd since I forswore myself at primero. Well,
    if my wind were but long enough to say my prayers,
    would repent.

                Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY

    Now! whence come you?
  QUICKLY. From the two parties, forsooth.
  FALSTAFF. The devil take one party and his dam the other!
    And so they shall be both bestowed. I have suffer'd more
    for their sakes, more than the villainous inconstancy of
    man's disposition is able to bear.
  QUICKLY. And have not they suffer'd? Yes, I warrant;
    speciously one of them; Mistress Ford, good heart, is beaten
    black and blue, that you cannot see a white spot about her.
  FALSTAFF. What tell'st thou me of black and blue? I was
    beaten myself into all the colours of the rainbow; and
    was like to be apprehended for the witch of Brainford. But
    that my admirable dexterity of wit, my counterfeiting the
    action of an old woman, deliver'd me, the knave constable
    had set me i' th' stocks, i' th' common stocks, for a witch.
  QUICKLY. Sir, let me speak with you in your chamber; you
    shall hear how things go, and, I warrant, to your content.
    Here is a letter will say somewhat. Good hearts, what ado
    here is to bring you together! Sure, one of you does not
    serve heaven well, that you are so cross'd.
  FALSTAFF. Come up into my chamber.                      Exeunt

SCENE 6.

The Garter Inn

Enter FENTON and HOST

  HOST. Master Fenton, talk not to me; my mind is heavy; I
    will give over all.
  FENTON. Yet hear me speak. Assist me in my purpose,
    And, as I am a gentleman, I'll give the
    A hundred pound in gold more than your loss.
  HOST. I will hear you, Master Fenton; and I will, at the least,
    keep your counsel.
  FENTON. From time to time I have acquainted you
    With the dear love I bear to fair Anne Page;
    Who, mutually, hath answer'd my affection,
    So far forth as herself might be her chooser,
    Even to my wish. I have a letter from her
    Of such contents as you will wonder at;
    The mirth whereof so larded with my matter
    That neither, singly, can be manifested
    Without the show of both. Fat Falstaff
    Hath a great scene. The image of the jest
    I'll show you here at large. Hark, good mine host:
    To-night at Herne's oak, just 'twixt twelve and one,
    Must my sweet Nan present the Fairy Queen-
    The purpose why is here-in which disguise,
    While other jests are something rank on foot,
    Her father hath commanded her to slip
    Away with Slender, and with him at Eton
    Immediately to marry; she hath consented.
    Now, sir,
    Her mother, even strong against that match
    And firm for Doctor Caius, hath appointed
    That he shall likewise shuffle her away
    While other sports are tasking of their minds,
    And at the dean'ry, where a priest attends,
    Straight marry her. To this her mother's plot
    She seemingly obedient likewise hath
    Made promise to the doctor. Now thus it rests:
    Her father means she shall be all in white;
    And in that habit, when Slender sees his time
    To take her by the hand and bid her go,
    She shall go with him; her mother hath intended
    The better to denote her to the doctor-
    For they must all be mask'd and vizarded-
    That quaint in green she shall be loose enrob'd,
    With ribands pendent, flaring 'bout her head;
    And when the doctor spies his vantage ripe,
    To pinch her by the hand, and, on that token,
    The maid hath given consent to go with him.
  HOST. Which means she to deceive, father or mother?
  FENTON. Both, my good host, to go along with me.
    And here it rests-that you'll procure the vicar
    To stay for me at church, 'twixt twelve and one,
    And in the lawful name of marrying,
    To give our hearts united ceremony.
  HOST. Well, husband your device; I'll to the vicar.
    Bring you the maid, you shall not lack a priest.
  FENTON. So shall I evermore be bound to thee;
    Besides, I'll make a present recompense.              Exeunt

<<THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM
SHAKESPEARE IS COPYRIGHT 1990-1993 BY WORLD LIBRARY, INC., AND IS
PROVIDED BY PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY
WITH PERMISSION.  ELECTRONIC AND MACHINE READABLE COPIES MAY BE
DISTRIBUTED SO LONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) ARE FOR YOUR OR OTHERS
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ACT V. SCENE 1.

The Garter Inn

Enter FALSTAFF and MISTRESS QUICKLY

  FALSTAFF. Prithee, no more prattling; go. I'll, hold. This is
    the third time; I hope good luck lies in odd numbers.
    Away, go; they say there is divinity in odd numbers, either
    in nativity, chance, or death. Away.
  QUICKLY. I'll provide you a chain, and I'll do what I can to
    get you a pair of horns.
  FALSTAFF. Away, I say; time wears; hold up your head, and
    mince.                                     Exit MRS. QUICKLY

                 Enter FORD disguised

    How now, Master Brook. Master Brook, the matter will
    be known tonight or never. Be you in the Park about
    midnight, at Herne's oak, and you shall see wonders.
  FORD. Went you not to her yesterday, sir, as you told me
    you had appointed?
  FALSTAFF. I went to her, Master Brook, as you see, like a
    poor old man; but I came from her, Master Brook, like a
    poor old woman. That same knave Ford, her husband, hath
    the finest mad devil of jealousy in him, Master Brook, that
    ever govern'd frenzy. I will tell you-he beat me grievously
    in the shape of a woman; for in the shape of man, Master
    Brook, I fear not Goliath with a weaver's beam; because
    I know also life is a shuttle. I am in haste; go along with
    me; I'll. tell you all, Master Brook. Since I pluck'd geese,
    play'd truant, and whipp'd top, I knew not what 'twas to
    be beaten till lately. Follow me. I'll tell you strange
things
    of this knave-Ford, on whom to-night I will be revenged,
    and I will deliver his wife into your hand. Follow. Strange
    things in hand, Master Brook! Follow.                 Exeunt

SCENE 2.

Windsor Park

Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER

  PAGE. Come, come; we'll couch i' th' Castle ditch till we
    see the light of our fairies. Remember, son Slender, my
daughter.
  SLENDER. Ay, forsooth; I have spoke with her, and we have
    a nay-word how to know one another. I come to her in
    white and cry 'mum'; she cries 'budget,' and by that we
    know one another.
  SHALLOW. That's good too; but what needs either your mum
    or her budget? The white will decipher her well enough.
    It hath struck ten o'clock.
  PAGE. The night is dark; light and spirits will become it well.
    Heaven prosper our sport! No man means evil but the
    devil, and we shall know him by his horns. Let's away;
    follow me.                                            Exeunt

SCENE 3.

A street leading to the Park

Enter MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and DOCTOR CAIUS

  MRS. PAGE. Master Doctor, my daughter is in green; when
    you see your time, take her by the hand, away with her to
    the deanery, and dispatch it quickly. Go before into the
    Park; we two must go together.
  CAIUS. I know vat I have to do; adieu.
  MRS. PAGE. Fare you well, sir.  [Exit CAIUS]  My husband
    will not rejoice so much at the abuse of Falstaff as he will
    chafe at the doctor's marrying my daughter; but 'tis no
    matter; better a little chiding than a great deal of
    heartbreak.
  MRS. FORD. Where is Nan now, and her troop of fairies, and
    the Welsh devil, Hugh?
  MRS. PAGE. They are all couch'd in a pit hard by Herne's
    oak, with obscur'd lights; which, at the very instant of
    Falstaff's and our meeting, they will at once display to the
    night.
  MRS. FORD. That cannot choose but amaze him.
  MRS. PAGE. If he be not amaz'd, he will be mock'd; if he be
    amaz'd, he will every way be mock'd.
  MRS. FORD. We'll betray him finely.
  MRS. PAGE. Against such lewdsters and their lechery,
    Those that betray them do no treachery.
  MRS. FORD. The hour draws on. To the oak, to the oak!
                                                          Exeunt

SCENE 4.

Windsor Park

Enter SIR HUGH EVANS like a satyr, with OTHERS as fairies

  EVANS. Trib, trib, fairies; come; and remember your parts.
    Be pold, I pray you; follow me into the pit; and when I
    give the watch-ords, do as I pid you. Come, come; trib,
    trib.                                                 Exeunt

SCENE 5.

Another part of the Park

Enter FALSTAFF disguised as HERNE

  FALSTAFF. The Windsor bell hath struck twelve; the minute
    draws on. Now the hot-blooded gods assist me!
    Remember, Jove, thou wast a bull for thy Europa; love set on
thy
    horns. O powerful love! that in some respects makes a
    beast a man; in some other a man a beast. You were also,
    Jupiter, a swan, for the love of Leda. O omnipotent love!
    how near the god drew to the complexion of a goose! A
    fault done first in the form of a beast-O Jove, a beastly
    fault!-and then another fault in the semblance of a fowl-
    think on't, Jove, a foul fault! When gods have hot backs
    what shall poor men do? For me, I am here a Windsor
    stag; and the fattest, I think, i' th' forest. Send me a cool
    rut-time, Jove, or who can blame me to piss my tallow?
    Who comes here? my doe?

        Enter MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE

  MRS. FORD. Sir John! Art thou there, my deer, my male deer.
  FALSTAFF. My doe with the black scut! Let the sky rain
    potatoes; let it thunder to the tune of Greensleeves, hail
    kissing-comfits, and snow eringoes; let there come a tempest
    of provocation, I will shelter me here.      [Embracing her]
  MRS. FORD. Mistress Page is come with me, sweetheart.
  FALSTAFF. Divide me like a brib'd buck, each a haunch; I
    will keep my sides to myself, my shoulders for the fellow
    of this walk, and my horns I bequeath your husbands. Am
    I a woodman, ha? Speak I like Herne the Hunter? Why,
    now is Cupid a child of conscience; he makes restitution.
    As I am a true spirit, welcome!           [A noise of horns]
  MRS. PAGE. Alas, what noise?
  MRS. FORD. Heaven forgive our sins!
  FALSTAFF. What should this be?
  MRS. FORD. } Away, away.
  MRS. PAGE. } Away, away.                        [They run off]
  FALSTAFF. I think the devil will not have me damn'd, lest the
    oil that's in me should set hell on fire; he would never else

    cross me thus.

        Enter SIR HUGH EVANS like a satyr, ANNE PAGE as
      a fairy, and OTHERS as the Fairy Queen, fairies, and
               Hobgoblin; all with tapers

  FAIRY QUEEN. Fairies, black, grey, green, and white,
    You moonshine revellers, and shades of night,
    You orphan heirs of fixed destiny,
    Attend your office and your quality.
    Crier Hobgoblin, make the fairy oyes.
  PUCK. Elves, list your names; silence, you airy toys.
    Cricket, to Windsor chimneys shalt thou leap;
    Where fires thou find'st unrak'd, and hearths unswept,
    There pinch the maids as blue as bilberry;
    Our radiant Queen hates sluts and sluttery.
  FALSTAFF. They are fairies; he that speaks to them shall die.
    I'll wink and couch; no man their works must eye.
                                       [Lies down upon his face]
  EVANS. Where's Pede? Go you, and where you find a maid
    That, ere she sleep, has thrice her prayers said,
    Raise up the organs of her fantasy
    Sleep she as sound as careless infancy;
    But those as sleep and think not on their sins,
    Pinch them, arms, legs, backs, shoulders, sides, and shins.
  FAIRY QUEEN. About, about;
    Search Windsor castle, elves, within and out;
    Strew good luck, ouphes, on every sacred room,
    That it may stand till the perpetual doom
    In state as wholesome as in state 'tis fit,
    Worthy the owner and the owner it.
    The several chairs of order look you scour
    With juice of balm and every precious flower;
    Each fair instalment, coat, and sev'ral crest,
    With loyal blazon, evermore be blest!
    And nightly, meadow-fairies, look you sing,
    Like to the Garter's compass, in a ring;
    Th' expressure that it bears, green let it be,
    More fertile-fresh than all the field to see;
    And 'Honi soit qui mal y pense' write
    In em'rald tufts, flow'rs purple, blue and white;
    Like sapphire, pearl, and rich embroidery,
    Buckled below fair knighthood's bending knee.
    Fairies use flow'rs for their charactery.
    Away, disperse; but till 'tis one o'clock,
    Our dance of custom round about the oak
    Of Herne the Hunter let us not forget.
  EVANS. Pray you, lock hand in hand; yourselves in order set;
    And twenty glow-worms shall our lanterns be,
    To guide our measure round about the tree.
    But, stay. I smell a man of middle earth.
  FALSTAFF. Heavens defend me from that Welsh fairy, lest he
    transform me to a piece of cheese!
  PUCK. Vile worm, thou wast o'erlook'd even in thy birth.
  FAIRY QUEEN. With trial-fire touch me his finger-end;
    If he be chaste, the flame will back descend,
    And turn him to no pain; but if he start,
    It is the flesh of a corrupted heart.
  PUCK. A trial, come.
  EVANS. Come, will this wood take fire?
             [They put the tapers to his fingers, and he starts]
  FALSTAFF. Oh, oh, oh!
  FAIRY QUEEN. Corrupt, corrupt, and tainted in desire!
    About him, fairies; sing a scornful rhyme;
    And, as you trip, still pinch him to your time.
  THE SONG.
    Fie on sinful fantasy!
    Fie on lust and luxury!
    Lust is but a bloody fire,
    Kindled with unchaste desire,
    Fed in heart, whose flames aspire,
    As thoughts do blow them, higher and higher.
    Pinch him, fairies, mutually;
    Pinch him for his villainy;
    Pinch him and burn him and turn him about,
    Till candles and star-light and moonshine be out.

        During this song they pinch FALSTAFF. DOCTOR
        CAIUS comes one way, and steals away a fairy in
        green; SLENDER another way, and takes off a fairy in
        white; and FENTON steals away ANNE PAGE. A noise
        of hunting is heard within. All the fairies run away.
        FALSTAFF pulls off his buck's head, and rises

       Enter PAGE, FORD, MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and
                        SIR HUGH EVANS

  PAGE. Nay, do not fly; I think we have watch'd you now.
    Will none but Herne the Hunter serve your turn?
  MRS. PAGE. I pray you, come, hold up the jest no higher.
    Now, good Sir John, how like you Windsor wives?
    See you these, husband? Do not these fair yokes
    Become the forest better than the town?
  FORD. Now, sir, who's a cuckold now? Master Brook,
    Falstaff's a knave, a cuckoldly knave; here are his horns,
    Master Brook; and, Master Brook, he hath enjoyed nothing of
    Ford's but his buck-basket, his cudgel, and twenty pounds
    of money, which must be paid to Master Brook; his horses
    are arrested for it, Master Brook.
  MRS. FORD. Sir John, we have had ill luck; we could never
    meet. I will never take you for my love again; but I will
    always count you my deer.
  FALSTAFF. I do begin to perceive that I am made an ass.
  FORD. Ay, and an ox too; both the proofs are extant.
  FALSTAFF. And these are not fairies? I was three or four
    times in the thought they were not fairies; and yet the
    guiltiness of my mind, the sudden surprise of my powers,
    drove the grossness of the foppery into a receiv'd belief,
    in despite of the teeth of all rhyme and reason, that they
    were fairies. See now how wit may be made a Jack-a-Lent
    when 'tis upon ill employment.
  EVANS. Sir John Falstaff, serve Got, and leave your desires,
    and fairies will not pinse you.
  FORD. Well said, fairy Hugh.
  EVANS. And leave you your jealousies too, I pray you.
  FORD. I will never mistrust my wife again, till thou art able
    to woo her in good English.
  FALSTAFF. Have I laid my brain in the sun, and dried it, that
    it wants matter to prevent so gross, o'er-reaching as this?
    Am I ridden with a Welsh goat too? Shall I have a cox-comb
    of frieze? 'Tis time I were chok'd with a piece of
    toasted cheese.
  EVANS. Seese is not good to give putter; your belly is all
    putter.
  FALSTAFF. 'Seese' and 'putter'! Have I liv'd to stand at the
    taunt of one that makes fritters of English? This is enough
    to be the decay of lust and late-walking through the realm.
  MRS. PAGE. Why, Sir John, do you think, though we would
    have thrust virtue out of our hearts by the head and
    shoulders, and have given ourselves without scruple to hell,
    that ever the devil could have made you our delight?
  FORD. What, a hodge-pudding? a bag of flax?
  MRS. PAGE. A puff'd man?
  PAGE. Old, cold, wither'd, and of intolerable entrails?
  FORD. And one that is as slanderous as Satan?
  PAGE. And as poor as Job?
  FORD. And as wicked as his wife?
  EVANS. And given to fornications, and to taverns, and sack,
    and wine, and metheglins, and to drinkings, and swearings,
    and starings, pribbles and prabbles?
  FALSTAFF. Well, I am your theme; you have the start of me;
    I am dejected; I am not able to answer the Welsh flannel;
    ignorance itself is a plummet o'er me; use me as you will.
  FORD. Marry, sir, we'll bring you to Windsor, to one Master
    Brook, that you have cozen'd of money, to whom you
    should have been a pander. Over and above that you have
    suffer'd, I think to repay that money will be a biting
    affliction.
  PAGE. Yet be cheerful, knight; thou shalt eat a posset
    tonight at my house, where I will desire thee to laugh at my
    wife, that now laughs at thee. Tell her Master Slender hath
    married her daughter.
  MRS. PAGE.  [Aside]  Doctors doubt that; if Anne Page be
    my daughter, she is, by this, Doctor Caius' wife.

                        Enter SLENDER

  SLENDER. Whoa, ho, ho, father Page!
  PAGE. Son, how now! how now, son! Have you dispatch'd'?
  SLENDER. Dispatch'd! I'll make the best in Gloucestershire
    know on't; would I were hang'd, la, else!
  PAGE. Of what, son?
  SLENDER. I came yonder at Eton to marry Mistress Anne
    Page, and she's a great lubberly boy. If it had not been i'
    th' church, I would have swing'd him, or he should have
    swing'd me. If I did not think it had been Anne Page,
    would I might never stir!-and 'tis a postmaster's boy.
  PAGE. Upon my life, then, you took the wrong.
  SLENDER. What need you tell me that? I think so, when I
    took a boy for a girl. If I had been married to him, for all
    he was in woman's apparel, I would not have had him.
  PAGE. Why, this is your own folly. Did not I tell you how
    you should know my daughter by her garments?
  SLENDER. I went to her in white and cried 'mum' and she
    cried 'budget' as Anne and I had appointed; and yet it was
    not Anne, but a postmaster's boy.
  MRS. PAGE. Good George, be not angry. I knew of your
    purpose; turn'd my daughter into green; and, indeed, she
    is now with the Doctor at the dean'ry, and there married.

                         Enter CAIUS

  CAIUS. Vere is Mistress Page? By gar, I am cozened; I ha'
    married un garcon, a boy; un paysan, by gar, a boy; it is
    not Anne Page; by gar, I am cozened.
  MRS. PAGE. Why, did you take her in green?
  CAIUS. Ay, be gar, and 'tis a boy; be gar, I'll raise all
    Windsor.                                          Exit CAIUS
  FORD. This is strange. Who hath got the right Anne?
  PAGE. My heart misgives me; here comes Master Fenton.

                  Enter FENTON and ANNE PAGE

    How now, Master Fenton!
  ANNE. Pardon, good father. Good my mother, pardon.
  PAGE. Now, Mistress, how chance you went not with Master
    Slender?
  MRS. PAGE. Why went you not with Master Doctor, maid?
  FENTON. You do amaze her. Hear the truth of it.
    You would have married her most shamefully,
    Where there was no proportion held in love.
    The truth is, she and I, long since contracted,
    Are now so sure that nothing can dissolve us.
    Th' offence is holy that she hath committed;
    And this deceit loses the name of craft,
    Of disobedience, or unduteous title,
    Since therein she doth evitate and shun
    A thousand irreligious cursed hours,
    Which forced marriage would have brought upon her.
  FORD. Stand not amaz'd; here is no remedy.
    In love, the heavens themselves do guide the state;
    Money buys lands, and wives are sold by fate.
  FALSTAFF. I am glad, though you have ta'en a special stand
    to strike at me, that your arrow hath glanc'd.
  PAGE. Well, what remedy? Fenton, heaven give thee joy!
    What cannot be eschew'd must be embrac'd.
  FALSTAFF. When night-dogs run, all sorts of deer are chas'd.
  MRS. PAGE. Well, I will muse no further. Master Fenton,
    Heaven give you many, many merry days!
    Good husband, let us every one go home,
    And laugh this sport o'er by a country fire;
    Sir John and all.
  FORD. Let it be so. Sir John,
    To Master Brook you yet shall hold your word;
    For he, to-night, shall lie with Mistress Ford.       Exeunt

THE END

<<THIS ELECTRONIC VERSION OF THE COMPLETE WORKS OF WILLIAM
SHAKESPEARE IS COPYRIGHT 1990-1993 BY WORLD LIBRARY, INC., AND IS
PROVIDED BY PROJECT GUTENBERG ETEXT OF CARNEGIE MELLON UNIVERSITY
WITH PERMISSION.  ELECTRONIC AND MACHINE READABLE COPIES MAY BE
DISTRIBUTED SO LONG AS SUCH COPIES (1) ARE FOR YOUR OR OTHERS
PERSONAL USE ONLY, AND (2) ARE NOT DISTRIBUTED OR USED
COMMERCIALLY.  PROHIBITED COMMERCIAL DISTRIBUTION INCLUDES BY ANY
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End of this Etext of The Complete Works of William Shakespeare, The Merry Wives
of Windsor