From noon until past four, visiters continued to arrive; when the
carriages again circumscribed the Park, each taking up at the gate of
Buckingham-house, and thence passing home by the Bird-cage Walk, and
through the Horse Guards. The arrangements were excellent; no accident
occurred. The Life Guards lined the Mall, and a numerous detachment
of police-officers were on the alert throughout the day. Their
indefatigable exertions however were not entirely available in
counteracting the industry of the light-fingered gentry, of whom there
were many on the look-out; and doubtless on this, as on every other
occasion of public resort in the metropolis, they reaped the fruits of a
plentiful harvest.

The party sauntering along the Mall, Sir Felix observed one of the group
with whom he was associated when viewing the company proceeding to the
Palace, and would have entered into familiar chit-chat with him, but for
the interposition of Dashall, who taking the Baronet aside, cautioned
him against having intercourse with a stranger, of whom he knew nothing,
but who had all the appearance of a black-leg.

Dashall was an accurate observer of men and manners; and in the present
instance his conjecture was well founded; for, in a few subsequent
moments,

~~270~~~ What was the devil's gratitude to Latimer for this eulogy
According to his biography, “for his zeal in the Protestant faith,
he was, with Ridley, bishop of London, burnt at Oxford in 1554.” this
assumed gentleman was met by a reconnoitering party of the police, who
claiming the privilege of old acquaintance, took him into custody as
a reputed thief, to the manifest surprise and dismay of Miss Judith
Macgilligan, who instinctively putting her hand into her pocket, found
that her purse had vanished through the medium of some invisible agency.
It contained, fortunately, silver only. She now mentioned her loss, and
expressed her suspicion of the gentleman in duresse; he having stood
close by her, for a considerable length of time, while she and her
friends were stationary in the Mall. The officers accordingly searched
him; but the wily adept, anticipating consequences, had disencumbered
himself of the purse; part of the silver, however, found in his
possession, tallied in description with that which had been lost,
although the lady could not identify it as her property. He was
conducted from the Park, with the view of being introduced to the
recollection of the magistrates of the Public-office in Bow-street.

During this transaction, a carriage bearing the royal arms, and attended
by two footmen only, drove rapidly along the Mall, without attracting
particular notice, and entering the garden-gate of Carlton-house, was
immediately lost to public view; nor did the numerous groups who were
in waiting to catch a transient glance of royalty, recognise in the
unassuming inmate of this vehicle, the sacred person of his most
gracious Majesty King George the Fourth, who was thus pleased modestly
to decline the congratulations of his loving subjects, by eluding,
incognita, their observation.

This was a second grievous disappointment to our venerable aunt, and
might have operated as a spell against the further enjoyment of the day;
but the gloom of vexation was dispersed by the Esquire of Belville-hall,
who observed, that the royal lineage of the lady might aspire to a more
intimate knowledge of majesty than a view _en passant_, and that at
any future levee there could not exist a doubt of the facility of Miss
Macgilligan's introduction.

A convenient and vacant bench presenting itself, the associates now
seated themselves.

“Apropos,” exclaimed Sir Felix, “talking of the King, does his Majesty
mean to honour with another visit his Hanoverian dominions this ensuing
summer?”

~~271~~~ The inquiry was directed to Dashall, whom the Baronet was
accustomed to look upon as an universal intelligencer.

Tom declared his incompetency to answer the question.

“Well,” continued Sir Felix, “were I the monarch of this empire, J would
make myself acquainted with every part of it. A tour through England,
Scotland, and Ireland, should be my primary object, and a visit to my
foreign territories a subordinate consideration, I would travel from
town to town in the land that gave me birth; like the Tudors and the
Stuarts; with confidence in the loyalty of my people, my person should
be familiar to them, and 1 should at all times be accessible to their
complaints. Elizabeth and the Second James made frequent excursions
into distant parts of the country, and every where were received with
addresses of fidelity. Were his present Majesty to follow, in this
respect, the example of his royal predecessors, who can doubt his
experiencing the most ample and unequivocal demonstrations of attachment
to his person and government?”

The friendly associates indulged a hearty laugh at the expense of
the visionary, although they did him the justice to believe that his
theoretical improvements on the policy of majesty were the ebullition of
a generous heart, warm in fraternal regard for the whole of human kind.

Tom, however, reminded him that the pusillanimous James II. acquired
no popularity by his royal tours; and that the affections of the people
were not to be gained by the merely personal condescension of the
monarch.{1}

     1 During the reign of King James II., and when, not unlike
     the present day, the people were much oppressed and
     burthened with taxes, that monarch having, in the course of
     a tour through England, stopt at Winchelsea, the Corporation
     resolved to address his Majesty; but as the Mayor could
     neither read nor write, it was agreed that the Recorder
     should prompt him on the occasion. Being introduced, the
     Recorder whispered the trembling Mayor, “Hold up your head,
     and look like a man.” The Mayor mis-taking this for the
     beginning of the speech, addressed the King, and repeated
     aloud, “Hold up your head, and look like a man.” The
     Recorder, in amaze, whispered the Mayor, “What the devil do
     you mean?” The Mayor in the same manner instantly repeated,
     “What the devil do you mean?”  The Recorder, alarmed,
     whispered more earnestly, “By G-----d, Sir, you'll ruin us
     all.”

     The Mayor, still imagining this to be a part of his speech,
     said, with all “his might, “By G-----d, Sir, you'll ruin us
     all.”

~~272~~~So slow was the progress of the vehicles towards the palace for
the purpose of taking up their respective owners, that many gentlemen,
whose residences were in the vicinity, rather than wait, preferred
walking across the Park; while the unusual exhibition of a pedestrian
in full court-dress excited no little attention from the multitude.
Our party proceeding in their lounge, was presently met by one of these
gentlemen, who recognizing Dashall and Tallyho, shook them cordially
by the hand, and was introduced to Sir Felix and his Aunt, as Captain of
the Royal Navy.

The Captain, to adopt a Court phrase, was most graciously received by
the lady; who observing he had been present at the Levee, begged that he
would favour her with an account of what had passed.

The gallant Captain, retracing his steps with his friends along the
Mall, said, that little or nothing had occurred worthy of remark.

“The drawing-room,” he continued, “was crowded to such excess, that I
should have felt myself more at ease in the bilboes; however, amidst the
awkwardness of the squeeze, I frequently came into unavoidable contact
with some very fine girls, and that pleasure certainly more than
compensated all inconveniences. The King (God bless him)! perspired
most prodigiously; for the heat was intolerable; he appeared very much
fatigued; and 1 hope has retired with a superior relish to enjoy
the quietude and luxury of the royal table at Carlton Palace. The
presentations of the female sprigs of nobility were numerous, to all of
whom he paid particular attention, in duty bound, as a gallant Cavalier
and the best bred gentleman in Europe. Indeed, he seemed to gloat on the
charms of those terrestrial deities with ecstacy! The introductions
were endless, and the etiquette tiresome and monotonous. In fact,
after making my humble congée, extrication became my only object, and
I effected a retreat with difficulty. My stay was short, and as I had
neither inclination nor opportunity for minute remark, I hope, Madam,
that you will pardon my incapability of answering your inquiry in a more
particular manner.”

~~273~~~ Nothing farther could be elicited. In truth, the Captain
had left nothing untold; for his description of the Levee, although
succinct, was correct, laying aside the enumeration of the _dramatis
personæ_, too numerous, and in many instances perhaps too insignificant,
for recollection.

The gallant son of Neptune now took his leave, and the party continued
to enjoy the pleasure of the promenade.

The Park was still thronged with spectators, attracted by the retiring
visitors, of whom some it seems were no welcome guests.

Whether vice had contaminated the hallowed presence of Royalty, we
cannot take upon us to say; but it appears that the sanctum sanctorum
had been polluted by intrusion; for a notification was issued next day
by the Lord Chamberlain, prefaced with the usual Whereas, “that certain
improper persons had gained access to his Majesty's Levee, and stating,
that in future no one would be admitted unless in full Court dress,
including bag-wig, sword,” &c.{1}

     1 As if these appendages were only within the reach of the
     higher classes of the community, and uncomeatable by
     purchase! The most depraved character may obtain the
     plausible appearance of gentility, and obtrude himself into
     the first circle of fashion. These opportunities abound in
     the metropolis; and such is the apathy of the present age,
     that the accomplished swindler, of exterior allurement,
     intermixes, _sans_ inquiry, with honourable rank; and even
     where inquiry is deemed necessary, all minor considerations
     vanish before the talismanic influence of Wealth! “Is he
     rich? Incalculably so! Then, let's have him, by all means.”
      Thus the initiated of Chesterfield obtain admission into
     polished society, although the Principles of Politeness
     inculcated by that nobleman, contain, as a celebrated
     lexicographer said of them, “the morals of a wh**e, and the
     manners of a dancing-master!”

The party having lounged away another pleasant hour, made ultimately
their exit from the Park by the Stable-yard, and entering Pall Mall,
were agreeably surprised with a very interesting exhibition.

During many years of the late King's reign, it was usual on the
birth-day anniversary for the different mail coaches to pass in review
before his Majesty in front of St. James's Palace. The custom still
prevails.

On the present occasion numerous spectators had assembled opposite Carl
ton-house; and it is presumed that the Sovereign thence witnessed the
procession, although he was not within the view of public observation.

~~274~~~ Above thirty mail coaches, fresh gilt and painted, or in
the language of churchwardens, beautified, and each drawn by four
noble-spirited, yet perfectly tractable horses, elegantly caparisoned,
now made their appearance. The cavalcade moved slowly onward, the
prancing steeds impatient of restraint, and conscious of superiority.
On the box of each vehicle was seated a portly good looking man,
the knowing Jehu of the road, and behind was the guard, occasionally
“winding his bugle-horn” with melodious and scientific ability. The
reins and harness were new, so also were the royal liveries of the
coachmen and guards. Mounted conductors led the van of the procession,
while others accompanied it on either side; and the interest of the
scene was considerably heightened by each coach being occupied inside
by handsome well-dressed women and children. The rear of this imposing
spectacle was brought up by a long train of the twopenny post-boys, all
newly clothed in the royal uniform, and mounted on hardy ponies, chiefly
of the Highland and Shetland breed. The cavalcade halted in front of the
royal residence, and gave three cheers in honour of the day, which
were heartily returned by the populace. The procession then resumed its
progress by Charing-cross, the Strand, Fleet-street, Ludgate-hill, round
St. Paul's, and by Cheapside into Lombard-street,

Passing up the new street, the associates reached the mansion of
Dashall, who had previously engaged his friends to dinner.

An elegant repast was immediately served up, and highly enjoyed by the
party, after such prolonged exercise and abstinence.

The conversation turning on the recent interesting exhibition, it was
universally acknowledged, that the introduction of the mail coach into
the establishment of the General Post-office, might be classed among the
highest improvements of the age, as amazingly accelerating the
celerity of intercourse with all parts of the empire. Neither was
the well-merited meed of encomium withheld from the Twopenny-post
Institution, by which, so frequently in the course of the day, the
facility of communication is kept up within the metropolis and suburbs,
extending to all adjacencies, and bounded only by the limits of the
bills of mortality. Dashall, who seldom let slip an opportunity of
appropriate remark ~~275~~~ digressed from the procession to the
important national utility of the Post-office, and thence, by easy
transition, to the sublime powers of the human mind, as emphatically
exemplified in the invention of writing and printing; while Sir Felix,
who was well experienced in the British poets, favoured his aunt with a
quotation from Pope's Epistle of Heloisa to Abelard, subject, however,
to such whimsical interpolation as he deemed suitable to the occasion:--

Heaven first taught letters for some wretch's aid, Some antique,
lovesick, North of Ireland maid! They live, they speak, they breathe
what age inspires, Preposterous fondness and impure desires! The latent
wish without a blush impart, Reveal the frailties of a morbid heart;
Speed the neglected sigh from soul to soul, And waft a groan from Indus
to the Pole!

The reading of Miss Macgilligan, like her ideas, was rather on a
contracted scale. She suspected, however, that her nephew had aimed
against her the shafts of ridicule, and was preparing her resentment
accordingly; when the Baronet deprecating her wrath, assured her, that
he had recited the lines exactly as originally written, and that in the
present clay they had no personal application, having been composed by
a little cynical fellow many years before Miss Macgilligan came into
existence.--The lady gave credence to the assertion, and the impending
storm was happily averted.

The residence of royalty being within the precinct of St. James's, the
bells of the neighbouring church sounded a merry peal in the ears of
the party; and were responded to by those of St, Martin-in-the-Fields,
a parish of which it is remarkable that his Majesty George II. was once
church-warden, serving the office, of course, by deputy. The steeple
of this church, as well as those of many others in the metropolis,
displayed, throughout the day, the royal standard, a manifestation of
loyalty which likewise extended itself to the liquid element of old
father Thames, where many of the vessels commemorated the anniversary by
frequent salutes of artillery, under the decorative and splendid canopy
formed by the colours of all nations.

~~276~~~ The carriages of the foreign ambassadors, and those of the
friends of government, were again in requisition, and rattled along the
streets towards the several mansions of the members of administration,
who each, in conformity with ancient usage, gave a grand dinner on the
birth-day, at least on that appointed for its celebration.

“At these dinners,” said Dashall, “politics and etiquette are both laid
aside; conviviality is the order of the day; the glass, the joke,
the repartee and the 'retort courteous,' circulate freely, and all is
harmony and good humour.”

“With sometimes a sprinkling of alloy,” said the Squire, “I have heard
that during the administration of Mr. Pitt, he and the Lord Chancellor
Thurlow were frequently at variance on subjects having no reference to
politics, and even under the exhilirating influence of the grape.”

The party were all attention, and the Squire proceeded--“At a cabinet
dinner a discussion took place between the Premier and Lord Chancellor,
as to the comparative merits of the Latin and English languages. Mr.
Pitt gave the preference to the former, the Chancellor! to the
latter; and the arguments on both sides were carried on with equal
pertinacity.--The Premier would not yield a jot in opinion. Becoming at
last impatient of opposition,

“Why,” said he, “the English language is an ambiguity--two
negatives make an affirmative; but in the Latin, two negatives make a
positive.”--“Then,” said the Chancellor, “your father and mother must
have been two negatives, to make such a positive fellow as you are!”{1}

     1 Lord Chancellor Thurlow, although a very eccentric
     character, was yet a man of uncommon benevolence. A vacancy
     having occurred in a valuable living of which he had the
     presentation, numerous were the candidates for the benefice;
     and amongst others, one, recommended by several of the
     nobility, friends of the ministry, who made himself sure of
     the appointment, although, directly or indirectly, the
     Chancellor had not given any promise. In the meanwhile, it
     was one morning announced to his Lordship, that a gentleman,
     apparently a clergyman, waited the honour of an interview.
     The servant was ordered to shew the stranger into the
     library, whither the Chancellor shortly repaired, and
     inquired the object of the visit. “My Lord,” said the
     other, “I served the office of Curate under the deceased
     Rector, and understanding that the presentation is in your
     Lordship's gift”--“You want the living,” exclaimed the
     Chancellor, gruffly. “No, my Lord; my humble pretensions
     soar not so high; but I presume, most respectfully, to
     entreat your Lordship's influence with the new Incumbent,
     that I may be continued in the Curacy.” Surprised and
     pleased by the singular modesty of the applicant, who had
     served the same parish as Curate above twenty years, and now
     produced the most ample testimonials of character, his
     Lordship entered into conversation with him, and found him
     of extensive erudition, and orthodox principles. He
     ascertained, besides, that this poor Curate had a wife with
     six children entirely dependent on his exertions for
     support; and that the remuneration allowed for the faithful
     discharge of arduous duties, had been only thirty pounds per
     annum. The Chancellor now promised his influence in behalf
     of the Curate, with the person who probably might succeed to
     the living. “I shall see him,” added his Lordship, “this
     very day; attend me to-morrow, and you shall know the
     result.” The Curate took bis leave, and in the course of the
     morning the would-be Rector made his appearance. “O!”
      exclaimed his Lordship, entering directly into the business,
     “I have had a humble suitor with me to-day,--the Curate of
     the late incumbent whom you are desirous of succeeding; he
     wishes to continue in the Curacy; the poor man is burthened
     with a large family, and hitherto has been very inadequately
     rewarded for his labour in the productive vineyard of which
     you anticipate the possession and emolument. Suppose that
     you constitute the happiness of this worthy man, by giving
     him a salary of one hundred pounds per annum; he will have
     all the duties to perform, and you will pocket a surplus,
     even then, of seven hundred a year, for in fact doing
     nothing!” This would-be was astonished; he had never before
     heard of a Curate in the receipt of one hundred pounds per
     annum; besides, he had already engaged a person to do the
     duty for twenty-five pounds. Fired with indignation at the
     inhumanity and arrogant presumption of this callous-hearted
     Clergyman,--“What!” exclaimed his Lordship, “and so you
     would turn the poor Curate out of doors, and abridge the
     miserable pittance of his successor, and all this before
     you've got the living! John, shew this fellmo down stairs!”
      Gladly would this Incumbent, by anticipation, have conceded
     every point required; but it was too late; the die was cast,
     and he found himself in the street, unknowing how he got
     there, whether on his hands or his lucls! Next day the
     Curate was announced. “I have not been able to succeed,”
      said his Lordship,--“the new Incumbent has engaged a person
     who will do the duty for twenty-five pounds per annum.” His
     Lordship paused, and the unfortunate Curate looked the
     personification of Despondency. “Cheer up, man!” exclaimed
     his Lordship, “If I have not influence sufficient to
     continue you in possession of the Curacy, I can, at least,
     give you the Living!” putting into the hands, at the same
     time, of the amazed Curate, the presentation to a Rectory
     worth eight hundred pounds per annum!! Here we must draw the
     Grecian painter's veil,--the gratification on either side
     may be conceived, but cannot be expressed.

~~278~~~ Sir Felix laughed heartily at this anecdote, and inquired of
his aunt whether she knew any of the Positive family in the North of
Ireland.

“Perfectly well,” retorted the lady, “they are allied to the
_Wrongheads_ of the province of Munster!”

This reproof, which was hailed with applause by Tom and Bob,
dumb-foundered the Baronet, who became suddenly taciturn; but his
habitual good humour predominated, and conscious that he had brought
on himself the inflicted castigation, he resolved on a cessation of
hostilities for the remainder of the evening.

The invitation by Dashall having been without formal ceremony, and
unhesitatingly accepted by Miss Macgilligan and her nephew, they now, in
turn, claimed the like privilege of freedom, by soliciting the company
of the two Cousins to supper; a request which Tom and Bob cheerfully
acquiesced in; and the party immediately set out for the Baronet's
lodgings, preferring to walk the short distance, that they might view,
more leisurely, the accustomed illuminations on the anniversary of his
Majesty's birth-day.

The variegated lamps were tastefully arranged; but this effusion of
loyalty was rather of an interested than interesting description, being
confined wholly to the public-offices, the theatres, and the different
houses of his Majesty's tradesmen; no other habitation in this immense
metropolis bearing any external indication of attachment, on the part of
its occupant, to the Sovereign of the British Empire!

“Here comes a set of jolly fellows,” exclaimed the Baronet, as the party
of friends turned into Bow-street from Covent-Garden, “who are at least
determined to honour the anniversary of St. George and their Sovereign,”
 the clang of marrow bones and cleavers resounding with harsh and
stunning dissonance.

“Rather,” said Dashall, “fellows determined to levy contributions on the
public, caring as little for the actual George the King, as they do for
the fabulous George the Champion.”

          Now loud and yet louder the grating din grew,
          And near and more near still the butcher-gang drew;
          Rapacious, obstrep'rous, a turbulent set,
          And bent on annoyance of all whom they met.

~~279~~~ It was in vain that our party attempted to avoid them by
crossing the street. The intention was quickly thwarted by these
self-licensed prowlers, who intercepting our associates in the
carriage-way, encircled them in such a manner, as to preclude the
possibility of extrication; and raised, at the same time, a discoid
of sounds, compared with which the vocal minstrelsy of the long-eared
braying fraternity would have been the music of the spheres!

Sir Felix, in chastisement of their arrogance, would singly have
encountered the whole group, had he not been restrained by Tom and Bob,
who rather than engage in a street brawl with a host of pertinacious
adversaries, chose to yield to circumstances, and purchase freedom
at the expense of a trifling pecuniary consideration, with which the
collectors departed well satisfied.

Our observers having thus obtained their liberty, renewed their walk,
and reached the lodgings of the Baronet without farther interruption.

During their perambulation, the following article was put into the hands
of the Squire, with which we shall conclude our Chapter of Incidents;--

          THE KING AND THE LAUREAT.

          A  LOYAL  BIRTH-DAY  EFFUSION.

          Hail! mighty Monarch of a mighty People!--
          While tuneful peals resound from tower and steeple,
          And thundering cannons gratulations roar,
          Fright'ning old Father Thames from shore to shore;--
          For King or etiquette while nobles caring,
          To Buckingham-house by hundreds are repairing,
          With gorgeous Dames, to whom this day a bliss is;
          Accompanied by smiling lovely misses
          Of eager appetite, who long to gorge
          And batten on the favours of King George;
          While London's Mayor and Aldermen set out
          In Civic state, to grace the royal rout;
          While strut the Guards in black straps and white gaiters
          In honour of their Patron and Creators;{1}--
          While General Birnie musters all his forces
          Of foot Police, and spavin'd Police horses,
          To guard St. James's Park from innovation,
          And cheque the daringness of depredation;--
          While for those partizans who mind their manners
          The cabinet ministers prepare grand dinners,
          And I, and others of my kindred trumpery,
          Dine with the vision'ry 'yclept Duke Humphrey:{2}
          I whom the Muses sometimes deign to greet,
          Though perch'd in “garret vile” in  White-cross street,

     1 In honour of their Patron and Creators.--The poet, we
     presume, means to draw a line of distinction between the
     Military and Civic community; the one being the work of God,
     the other the creation of man.

     2 Duke Humphrey.--An ideal personage,  with whom the un-
     fortunate wight is said to dine who has not got a dinner to
     eat.

          _Sans_ viands, drink, or necessary clothing,
          Reckless of fate, and even existence loathing;
          Great King amidst each various passing matter
          On this auspicious day, I will not flatter;
          Not that I cannot; aye, as well as any
          Of heretofore or present lauréat Zany!--
          But lack of payment, Sir, and lack of zeal;
          Could I your gracious bounty hope to feel,
          Invention then, on eagles wings should rise,
          And laud your nameless virtues to the skies!--

          But as it is,--all hail the King!--
          With shouts let now the welkin ring,
          And hence all doubts and fears;
          May ages yet to come obey
          The Fourth King George's lenient sway,
          Even for a thousand years!{1}

          Methinks his portly form I see,
          Encircled at this grand Levee
          By courtly lords and ladies;
          Returning every bow with smiles,
          Where selfish adulation's wiles
          A profitable trade is.

          But where, amid this grand display,
          Is Soutkey, on each natal day
          Who charm'd with Ode delicious?
          Why absent now the tuneful lore,
          Why sing not, as in days of yore,--

          Has Roy'lty grown capricious?
          Or barren is the courtly verse
          Of genuine subject, to rehearse
          The mighty monarch's fame;
          His public virtues, private worth,
          To chant in grateful measure forth,
          And o'er the world proclaim?

          Tush, man! a driveller then, thou art,
          Unequal to the merry part
          Thou undertook'st to play;--
          The Birth-day comes but once a year,
          Then tune thy dulcet notes and clear,
          Again in annual lay.

     1 When the combined fleets of England and Spain blockaded
     the port of Toulon, the Spanish Admiral terminated a
     dispatch to Lord Hood with the following notable wish,--May
     your Excellency live a THOUSAND YEARS!

          Thou, who wilt still persist to write
          In public apathy's despite,
          Can claim no just pretension
          On which to found a vague excuse;--
          Then trust, in dearth of truth, the Muse
          Prolific in invention.

          Hast thou no conscience left? alack!
          Hast thou forgot thy Pipe of Sack!
          And annual pounds two hundred?{1}
          That Hume hath not attack'd thy post,
          And caused it to give up the ghost,
          Is greatly to be wonder'd!

          But if the place must still be kept,
          Though long the princely themes have slept
          That erst the Muses lauded;--
          Give it to me, ye gods! and then
          Shall Kings, above all other men,
          Be rapturously applauded!

          Content with half that Southey shares,
          I then would drown all worldly cares,
          Yet Sack I'd not require;--
          Give me, in place of Falstaff's wine,
          A butt,--to wake the song divine,

          Of Hanbury's Entire!
          Now God preserve the comely face
          Of George the Fourth, and grant him grace
          For kindred soids to brag on!--
          May future times his deeds proclaim,
          And may he even eclipse the fame
          Of--Saint George and the Dragon.'

     1 Formerly the allowance was a pipe of sack and one hundred
     pounds; but his present Majesty, taking into his gracious
     consideration the very difficult task which the Lauréat had
     to perform, increased his salary to 200L. per annum!!

CHAPTER XXI

          “Of ups and downs we daily see
          Examples most surprising,
          The high and low of each degree,
          Now falling are, now rising.

          Some up, some down, some in, some out,
          Home neither one nor t'other;
          Knaves--fools--Jews--Gentiles--join the rout,
          And jostle one another.

          By ups and downs some folks they say
          Among grandees have got, Sir,
          Who were themselves but yesterday
          The Lord knows who, or what, Sir.

          _Sans_ sense or pence, in merits chair,
          They dose and dream supine 0;
          But how the devil they came there,
          That neither you nor I know.”

~~282~~~
The departure of Merrywell left our three friends at perfect liberty,
and they were determined to enjoy it as much as possible during
Sparkle's visit. The remainder of the evening was therefore devoted to
the retracing of past events, in which they had formerly been engaged
together, in drinking success to Merrywell's journey, and in laying down
some plans for the proceedings of the next day. On the latter subject,
however, there were as many opinions as there were persons. The Hon.
Tom Dash all proposed going to the Review--Sparkle was for a journey
to Gravesend in the steam-boat, with the religious friends who were to
accompany Lord Gambier--and Tallyho proposed a visit to the Tower
of London, in order to inspect its interior. It was therefore left
undecided till the morning, which proving extremely inviting, they
determined to sally forth, and leave the direction of their course
wholly to chance, as they had many times done before.

~~283~~~ Sparkle's relish for the sprees and sports of a London life,
was evidently injured by his residence in the country; though at the
same time former scenes and former circumstances rushing occasionally
upon his sight and his recollection, appeared to afford him
gratification and delight.

“And how,” said Sparkle, addressing himself to Tallyho, “do you like the
scene of ever varying novelty--has it lost any of its charms since I saw
you last?”

“By no means,” replied Tallyho; “for although many of them are grown
familiar to me, and many are also calculated to excite painful feelings,
I am not yet tired of the inquiry. I set out with the intention to
contemplate men and manners as they actually are, and I conceive a
useful lesson for instruction and improvement may be afforded by it.”

“Right,” continued Sparkle, “real life is a most excellent school; and
if in imbibing the instruction with which it is fraught, the judgment is
not misled, or the mind vitiated none can be more important to mankind.”

“Come,” said Tom, “I see you are getting into one of your moralizing
strains, such as you left us with. Now I am well aware that you have an
excellent acquaintance with the pursuits you are speaking of, and have
enjoyed them as much as myself; nor can I conceive that your temporary
absence has wrought such a change in your opinion, as to make you wholly
disregard the amusements they afford. So come along, no more preaching;
“and thus saying, he seized him by one arm, while Tallyho closed upon
the other; and they proceeded on their way along Piccadilly towards the
Haymarket.

“Besides,” continued Dashall, “every day makes a difference in this
metropolis; so that even you who have proved yourself so able a
delineator of men and things as they were, may still find many things
deserving of your observation as they are.”

“I do not doubt it,” was the reply; “and consequently expect, that
having just arrived from rural felicity, you will direct my footsteps
to the most novel scene of metropolitan splendour or extraordinary
character.”

~~284~~~ “Character is an abundant and everlasting supply of humour and
eccentricity for an observant quiz like yourself, and being fly to most
occurrences either in town or country, I shall rather confine myself to
the most remarkable circumstances that happen to strike my recollection
us we proceed. The first that occurs at this moment, is the opening of a
new establishment in Regent-street, under the title of the Cafe Royale,
to which, as we have not yet paid a visit, I propose now to direct your
steps.”

“Cafe Royale” repeated Sparkle, “there is something Frenchified in the
sound. I suppose it is quite in the tip top stile of elegance.”

“So says report.”

“Then _allons_,--but as we proceed, I beg to ask one question. If it
be considered important in a national point of view, that the superior
elegancies of our Parisian neighbours should be engrafted on our own
habits, and that an establishment of this nature should be formed, with
a view of its becoming the resort of rank and fashion, whether any good
reason can be given why such an establishment, in an English city for
Englishmen, should not have an English title?”

“A most extraordinary question for a fashionable man.”

“It may be so,” continued Sparkle; “but you must attribute it to my
country habits of thinking: however, as I like argument better than
assertion, I see no reason to abandon my question. The adoption of
any thing foreign, is only rational in proportion as it is useful or
agreeable; for foreign wines, foreign fruits, foreign made coffee, &c.
no one can be a greater advocate than myself; but I apprehend that these
good things may taste as well, whether the room in which they are taken
be called by a French or an English name.”

“That is a truth so self evident as to require no reply; and really I
can give no sort of reason for the adoption of a French title, unless
it be with a view to give it that air of novelty which invariably proves
attractive to Johnny Bull; and I think I need not attempt to explain to
you the importance of a title.”

“However,” said Sparkle, “I cannot help thinking, that if the place
alluded to is to become a permanent establishment, it would become an
Englishman to have an English name for it. We need not be ashamed of our
language, although some folks disdain to use it, if they can find
any substitute, however inapt. Why should it not be called the Royal
Coffee-house, the King's Coffee-house, the Patrician, the Universal, or
in fact any thing, so that it be English?”

~~285~~~ “Because,” said Tallyho, “those titles are already engrossed
by newspaper editors, coffee-shops of a lower order, magazines, &c.:
for instance, we have the Royal Magazine, the Universal Magazine;
and consequently these are all grown common, and any thing common is
extremely vulgar.”

“Besides,” continued Dashall, “_Cafe Royale_ is a mouthful, without
attacking its contents; and the very sound of it seems to impart a
taste, before you approach it, of what may be obtained in the interior.
Zounds! this country life of your's seems to have altered your opinions,
and almost obliterated your former education: I never had any relish for
it.”

“In town let me live, and in town let me die, For in truth 1 can't
relish the country, not I: If one must have a villa in summer to dwell,
Oh give me the sweet shady side of Pall Mall.”

By this time they had reached the Cafe Royale, and upon entrance were
ushered by a man in blue livery, with gold laced trimmings, into an
apartment far exceeding in splendour any thing that their previous
conversation had led them to expect. The walls, formed of looking glass
and rich tapestry, and ornamented in a fanciful manner, reflected their
persons as they passed along at every point; while the choicest flowers
and shrubs, with which they were surrounded, sent forth a delightful
fragrance, and gave some distant idea of Eastern luxuries.

“Here,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “is elegance at least; and if
the accommodations are found to be equally good, it can be of little
consequence to us whether the place itself have an English or a foreign
name.”

“I confess,” replied Sparkle, “that I still conceive, that as a place
of resort appropriated to the upper ranks of natives and foreigners,
magnificent in its decorations, superior in its accommodations, and
conducted with skill and liberality, to become truly national and
deserving of support, it should be honoured with an English title.”

“And that it certainly is,” continued Dashall, “not only one but many,
for nobility is frequently to be found within its walls; nay, a proof of
it appears at this moment, for there is Lord P------ and Lord C------ now
entering; but come, let us try the coffee, catch a view of the papers,
and proceed.”

~~286~~~ They had now seated themselves near an elderly gentleman, who
seemed to be in deep contemplation, occasionally rubbing his hands with
apparent gratification, and shaking his head with importance, while he
glanced over a newspaper which lay before him.

“I should judge,” said Tallyho, “he is a member of parliament,
probably conning over the report of his last night's speech in the
House.”

“Or probably,” said Dashall, “an author in search of ideas for his
next publication, wherein he intends to cut up the ministers and their
measures.”

“Yes,” continued Sparkle, “or a quack doctor, examining if the editor
has given insertion to his new flaming advertisement, wherein he
promises to perform what is utterly impossible to be accomplished.”

“I wonder if he can speak,” said Tom, laying clown the paper; “I'll try
him.--A fine morning, Sir.”

As this was directed immediately to meet the old gentleman's ear, he
looked up for the first time since they had entered.

“Beautiful, Sir,” was the reply--and here the conversation ceased again.

“Excellent coffee,” said Sparkle,--“is there any news to-day, Sir?”
 endeavouring to rouse him again.

“There is always news, Sir,” was the reply, taking a plentiful supply of
snuff.

“Of one sort or other,” continued Bon.

“Why yes, have we not every day a quantity of newspapers that make their
appearance with the sun?”

“Truly,” replied Sparkle; “but you could hardly misunderstand me--I
alluded to something out of the common run of events; such, for
instance, as relates to the interests of the nation, the agricultural
distress, the distress of the Irish, the state of the American
independents, the proceedings of the Spanish cortes, and the French
chamber; the movements of the Greeks, the operations of Turkey and
Russia, or the--or--”

“Why, Sir, your inquiries are very rational; and as I perceive you have
a desire for intelligence, and I have at all times a desire to impart
such as I am in possession of for the benefit of others, the newspapers
have abundance of information; but I must say the editors, though men of
education and intelligence, are not always well informed: besides, Sir,
there is no reliance on their assertions; many valuable and important
secrets are in the hands of individuals, which never find their way into
the public journals.”

~~288~~~ Having proceeded thus far, our three friends were all
anxiety to continue what now assumed the appearance of an interesting
conversation.

“The nation is gull'd by misrepresentation, from the high to the low one
system is acted upon; but I have a document in my pocket which came into
my possession in rather an extraordinary manner, and is as extraordinary
in its contents; it was thrust into my hand on my way here by a
stranger, who instantly disappeared.”

“A curious salute,” observed Tom; “probably some state paper, some
information on foreign affairs, or a petition to be presented to the
House.”

“The fact is, Sir, as I had no conversation with the stranger, I was
ignorant of the importance of the document; but upon opening it, judge
of my astonishment, when I found it concerned a Prince well known to the
British nation, whose interests depend on its support.”

“O ho,” said Sparkle, “then perhaps it is of a delicate nature, and more
attaching to private circumstances than public affairs.”

“You shall hear, Sir.--It was an appeal to myself, amongst others, in
which Russia was stated to be in such connection with Greece, that
the heads of this kingdom could not but be conscious of the important
results; results, Sir, that were enough to make one's hair stand on end;
indeed, I have never been able to dismiss the subject from my mind since
I first cast my eye over the information.”

“Zounds, then,” cried Dashall, “there is much to be apprehended.”

“It is impossible for me,” continued the old gentleman, “to say how
far the distinguished person to whom I have alluded has already, or
may hereafter succeed in the objects he has in view; but this I think
certain, that if he can but interest the Poles on his side, his affairs
must thrive.”

The Hon. Tom Dashall by this time was puzzled with the lengthened
introduction this gentleman was giving; he sipped his coffee--looked
grave--smiled, took up the paper--pretended to read--then laid it down
again.

~~288~~~ Sparkle looked wise, and betrayed his anxiety by moving closer
to the communicant. Tallyho fixed his eyes on the old gentleman, with an
apparent desire to count the words he uttered.

“In the meantime,” continued the interesting stranger, “he is so
indefatigable in diffusing through all ranks of society, by means of the
press and private agents, a knowledge of the power he has of smoothing
the way to success, that the crown ought to receive his proffered aid
for its own benefit.”

“Then,” said Sparkle, “it really is a document of public importance: if
not too great a favour, might we be allowed a sight of the------”

“The document,--Oh certainly, Sir,” said he, hastily rising and drawing
a printed paper from his pocket; “I will leave it with you:” then
throwing it on the table, he made a precipitate retreat.

The little care which the old gentleman seemed to take of this scrap of
importance, struck them all with wonder.

“A rum old codger,” said Tom; “and I recommend his observations, as well
as the produce of his pocket, to the serious consideration of our friend
Sparkle, who will perhaps read this paper for the benefit of us all.”

Sparkle, who by this time had unfolded this mysterious paper, burst into
a hearty laugh; and as soon as he could command his risibility, he read
as follows:

“PRINCE'S RUSSIA OIL, For promoting the growth of Hair.”

“And Sparkle introduced to Greece,” said Tom.--“Well, the old buck has
paid you off for your interruption: however, he has certainly proved his
own assertion, that there is no reliance on any body.”

“A mountain in labour,” continued Tom,--“I think he had you in a line,
however.”

“I cannot help thinking,” replied Sparkle, “that there is a great
similarity between him and some of our most popular parliamentary
orators, for he has said a great deal to little purpose; but come, let
us move on, and lose no more time in the French coffee house, discussing
the merits or virtues of Russia oil.”

~~289~~~ This proposition being acceded to, our friends now took their
way along Pall Mall, where the improvements recently made struck Sparkle
with pleasure and delight; the appearance of new and elegant houses
occupying the situation of buildings of a shabby and mean exterior,
and the introduction of new streets, were subjects of considerable
admiration.

“The rapidity of alterations in London,” said Sparkle, “are almost
inconceivable.”

“That remark,” replied Tom, “only arises from your late absence from the
scene of action; for to us who frequently see their progress, there is
but little to excite wonder. Now for my part I am more astonished
in present times, when so many complaints are made of distress, that
occupiers can be found for them, and also seeing the increase of
buildings at every part of the environs of London, where tenants can be
found to occupy them.”

“I confess,” said Tallyho, “that is a subject which I have often thought
upon without being able to come to any reasonable conclusion; it appears
to me to prove a great increase of population, for although I am aware
of the continued influx of new comers from the country, the towns and
villages appear as full as ever.”

“I am not able to solve the mystery to my own satisfaction,” replied
Sparkle, “in either case, though I cannot help acknowledging the facts
alluded to. It however seems in this place to prove the correctness of
the Poet's lines, who says,

          “Wherever round this restless world we range,
          Nothing seems constant saving constant change.
          Like some magician waving mystic wand,
          Improvement metamorphoses the land,
          Grubs up, pulls down, then plants and builds anew,
          Till scenes once loved are banished from our view.
          The draughtsman with officious eye surveys
          What capabilities a site displays:
          How things may be made better for the worse,
          And much improve--at least the schemer's purse.”

Continuing their course along Parliament-street, they soon arrived at
Westminster-bridge, when the day proving extremely fine, it was proposed
to embrace the opportunity of making an excursion by water. The tide
served for London Bridge, and without further ceremony, Tom, Bob, and
Sparkle jumped into a wherry, and were quickly gliding along upon the
bosom of Old Father Thames. The smiling appearance of the day, and the
smooth unruffled surface of the water, excited the most cheerful and
enlivening feelings of the mind.

~~290~~~ “Nice weather for the rowing match,” said a bluff looking
sturdy built waterman, who had doffed his coat, waistcoat, and cravat,
in order to facilitate him in performing his duty.

“Rowing match,” inquired Tom. “When does it take place?”

“Why this afternoon at four o'clock, your Honour. Vauxhall will be very
full to-night,--Them ere people what's got it now are a getting plenty
of company, and they will have a bumper to-night, for the gentlemen what
belongs to the funny club gives a funny to be rowed for.”

“That's funny enough,” exclaimed Sparkle.

“And convenient too,” said Tom; “for as we have no engagement for the
evening, we can mingle with the lads on their water frolic.”

“With all my heart,” said Bob; “and as I am given to understand Vauxhall
is greatly improved, it will make an admirable wind up of the day.”

Approaching Waterloo Bridge--“What have we here,” exclaimed Tallyho.

“That,” said Tom, “is a floating fire engine, for the protection of
shipping, and sometimes very useful in cases of fire on the banks of the
river.”

“An excellent idea,” continued Bob, “because they can never be in want
of water.”

“Will you sit a little more this way, Sir, if you please? we shall trim
better.”

Bob rose hastily upon this intimation; and had not his Cousin caught him
by the coat, would have trimmed himself into the watery element.

“Zounds, man, you had nearly upset us all. You must trim the boat, and
sit steady, or we shall all go to Davey's locker. You must not attempt
to dance in such a vehicle as this.”

Bob's confusion at this circumstance created laughter to his two
friends, which however he could not exactly enjoy with the same relish;
nor did he perfectly recover himself till they were safely landed at
Tower Stairs.

“Now,” said Tom, “I propose a peep at the interior of this place, a row
down to Greenwich to dinner, and then a touch at the rowing match; what
say you--agreed on all hands.”

~~291~~~ “Then,” said the Hon. Tom Dashall, “wait for us here old boy,
and you shall be our conveyancer.”

“I don't know nothing of you, gentlemen; and you understand me, I'm
not a going to be done--I'm too old a hand to be catch'd in that there
fashion; but if so be you engages me for the day, you can take the
number of my boat--but then you must tip.”

“Right,” said Sparkle, “who knows whether we shall escape the Lions, and
then how is old rough and tough to get paid.”

“You'll excuse me, gentlemen, I don't mean no affront upon my soul; but
I have stood the nonsense before now, and been flung--but I von't
be sarved out in that there way any more. I am up to the gossip, and
expects you'll come down with the rag.”

“Certainly,” said Tom Dashall with a smile; “I am aware of the hint,
which by the way is pretty broadly conveyed, therefore be satisfied;
“and giving him a sovereign, they proceeded into the Tower.

The entrance to the Tower from the wharf is by a drawbridge, near to
which is a cut connecting the river with the ditch, having a water gate,
called Traitor's Gate; state prisoners having been formerly conveyed by
this passage from the Tower to Westminster for trial; and over this gate
is the water-works which supply the fortress.

Having passed the drawbridge, Bob looked around him, almost conceiving
himself in a new world; he saw houses and streets, of which he had
formed no conception.

“Zounds,” said he, “this Tower seems almost to contain a City.”

“Yes,” replied Dashall, “it occupies some ground. Its extent within the
walls is twelve acres and five roods. The exterior circuit of the ditch,
which entirely surrounds it, is 3156 feet. The principal buildings are
the Church, the White Tower, the Ordnance Office, the Record Office,
the Jewel Office, the Horse Armoury, the Grand Store House, the
small Armoury, the houses belonging to the Officers, barracks for the
Garrison, and two Suttling Houses for the accommodation of the military
and the inhabitants.”

~~292~~~ The White Tower, as it is called, is a large square building in
the centre of the fortress; on the top of which are four watch towers,
one being at present used as an observatory. Neither the sides of this
building, nor the small towers, are uniform. The walls are whitewashed:
near to it is the grand storehouse, a plain building of brick and stone,
345 feet long, and 60 feet broad.

Being conducted to the Spanish{1} armory, Tallyho was much gratified
with a view of its contents--trophies of the famous victory of Queen
Elizabeth over the Spanish armada, among which the most remarkable were
the thumb screws, intended to be used in order to extort confession
from the English, where their money was hidden. The axe with which
the unfortunate Anne Bullen was beheaded by order of Henry VIII.;
a representation of Queen Elizabeth in armour, standing by a
cream-coloured horse, attended by a page, also attracted his attention;
her majesty being dressed in the armour she wore at the time she
addressed her brave army at Tilbury, in 1588, with a white silk
petticoat, richly ornamented with pearls and spangles. In the Small
Armory, which is one of the finest rooms in Europe, containing complete
stands of arms for 100,000 men, they could not but admire the beautiful
and elegant manner in which the arms were disposed, forming tasteful
devices in a variety of figures: a piece of ordnance from Egypt, and the
Highland broadsword, also claimed particular notice.

     1 The Spanish Armory, Small Armory, Train of Artillery, and
     Horse Armory, may be seen at the price of 2s. each person,
     with a compliment per company to the Warder.

The Volunteer Armory, containing arms piled in beautiful order for
30,000 men, with pikes, swords, &c. in immense numbers, presented
to them a fine figure of Charles Brandon, Duke of Suffolk, in bright
armour, bearing the very lance he actually used in his lifetime, which
is no less than 18 feet long. The Sea Armory, containing arms for nearly
50,000 seamen and marines, and the Royal Artillery, which is partly kept
on the ground floor under the Small Armory, next underwent inspection.
Here they could not help admiring the room, which is 380 feet long,
50 feet wide, and 24 feet high, and the many peculiarly fine pieces of
cannon which it contained. The artillery is ranged on each side, leaving
a passage in the centre of ten feet in breadth. Twenty pillars in
this room support the Small Armory above, which are hung round with
implements of war, and trophies taken from the enemy, producing
altogether a grand and imposing effect.

~~293~~~ The Horse Armory--a noble room, crowded with
curiosities--proved a source of high gratification. Here they found
themselves in company with all the kings of England, from William the
Conqueror to George III.; the whole on horseback, and in armour. The
armour of John of Gaunt, Duke of Lancaster, seven feet high, and the
sword and lance of proportionable size, were viewed as objects of
wonder.

In the Jewel Office,{1} containing the regalia of state, was the next
object to which they directed their attention. Here they were shewn the
Imperial Crown, with which the Kings of England are crowned: it is
made of gold, enriched with diamonds, emeralds, rubies, sapphires,
and pearls. The cap is of purple velvet, lined with white taffety, and
turned up with three rows of ermine. This crown is never used but at
coronations; the golden globe, which is placed in the King's right hand
before he is crowned; the golden sceptre and its cross, upon a
large amethyst, decorated with table diamonds; the sceptre, which is
considered to be far the most ancient in the collection, and probably a
part of the original regalia, is covered with jewels and gothic enamel
work, surmounted with an onyx dove, was found by the present keeper
in the year 1814, and is estimated at a very high value. St. Edward's
staff, made of beaten gold, and which is borne before the King in the
coronation procession, is 4 feet 7 inches and a half in length, and 3
inches and 3 quarters round. The golden saltseller, the sword of mercy
without a point, the grand silver font, used for christenings of the
royal family, and the crown of state worn by the King at his meeting
of the Parliament, and other state occasions, were viewed in succession
with admiration and delight. The latter is of great splendour and value;
it is covered with precious stones of a large size, and on the top of
its cross is a pearl, which Charles I. pledged for eighteen thousand
pounds to the Dutch Republic: under the cross is an emerald diamond,
of a palish green colour, valued at one hundred thousand pounds, being
seven inches and

     1 The Jewel Office is shewn for 1s. each person in company;
     a single person pays 1s. 6d.: it may be seen separately, but
     not without a Warder.

a half in circumference; in the front is a rock ruby in its purely
natural state, unpolished, three inches in length, the value of which
cannot be estimated. Several other curiosities of state regalia--such as
the golden eagle, the golden spur, the crown of Queen Mary, the cross
of King William, and the diadem worn by the Queens Anne and Mary, were
numbered among the valuable jewels contained in this office, together
with abundance of curious old plate, the value of which, independent
of several of the jewels, which are inestimable, is not less than two
millions sterling.

~~294~~~ “Now,” said Dashall, as they left the Jewel Office, “we have
taken a view of the inanimates, we must not leave the spot without
a peep at the lions;{l} for though I believe there is nothing very
extraordinary in the collection, more than may be seen at the menagerie
at Exeter Change, it would be an unpardonable omission not to see the
lions in the Tower.”

     1 The wild beasts, &c. are shewn at 1s. each.

For this purpose they proceeded to the western entrance, where they were
quickly introduced by the keeper to the various animals under his care,
and who, in going round with them, explained, as usual, their several
histories.

In examining these various curiosities, time had imperceptibly stolen a
march upon them, and their original plan of proceeding to Greenwich was
found to be impracticable; besides which, upon reaching the stairs where
they had landed, the bluff old waterman was not to be found.

“Zounds,” said Dashall, “this looks like a do. I wonder what's become of
the old blade.”

Sparkle began to laugh, and Bob bit his lip. Tom made inquiry of a boy
at the stairs, who informed him that Barney was gone to the suttling
house to smoak a pipe.

“All right,” said Tom, “then we will soon rouse him, and start.”

Upon this they moved back again into the Tower, and according to the
directions they had received, they found Barney in the tap-room,
puffing away care, and singing with Stentorian voice to the surrounding
company--

          “From Irongate to Limehouse Hole,
          You will not meet a kinder soul,
          While the Thames is flowing,
          Pull away ho--Pull away ho.”

~~295~~~ In search of real life and character, and at all times rather
inclined to promote mirth than spoil sport, our friends immediately
entered unperceived by Barney, and taking an opposite corner of the
room, were quickly attended by the landlord, who received orders, and
produced them supplies.

The song being over, and Barney rewarded for his exertions by the most
enthusiastic applause of the room, he renewed his pipe, at the same
time declaring to a soldier who sat near him, he thought “he had miss'd
fire, for he was d------d if he didn't think he'd lost his company,
or his company had lost him--but that he had taken care to nibble the
blunt, and upon that there score all was right--so landlord tip us
another quart, and if they don't make their appearance by the time
I've got through that, I'll tip them the toddle, shove off my boat, and
disappear.--That's the time of day, an't it, boy.”

“Why aye, to be sure,” replied the soldier, “you watermen leads a happy
life; you are your own masters, you does just as you pleases, while a
soldier dare as well be d------d as desert his post. But I say, Barney,
mind what

you says,--nose--nose;” accompanying the last two words with a
significant action of placing his finger on his nose, and winking his
eye.

Upon this intimation, which appeared to be well understood by Barney,
he puffed off an immoderate cloud of smoke, and looking round the room,
perceived his customers in the corner.

“Be quiet,” said he, “that's my fare--so it's all right again,--Do you
want me, gentlemen; I am always ready, so that whenever you says the
word, Barney's your boy.”

“Presently,” said Dashall, “for it would be hard to make you start upon
a full jorum.”

“Why I must say,” continued Barney, “I never likes to leave a foaming
quart behind me;” and catching hold of the pot of _heavy wet_, he roared
out,--

“What a hearty blade am I,

          Care can never touch my heart;
          Every trouble I defy,
          While I view the foaming quart.”

and taking a hearty drink, he handed it to his companion, filled
his pipe afresh, lighted, and informed the gentlemen he was at their
service; when in a few minutes all being ready, they were quickly on
board.

~~296~~~ “I don't like the looks of the weather, my masters, why we
shall have a shower presently, where will you go to?”

“To Vauxhall,” was the reply.

“Very well, your Honour, then here goes; but if you don't get a sousing,
my name an't Barney.”

This prognostication proved true, for before they reached Blackfriars
Bridge, a smart shower came on, which nearly wetted them through before
they could reach land. When this was accomplished, they proceeded to the
Horn Tavern, Doctors Commons, where they partook of an excellent repast,
and the weather clearing up, they again joined Barney.

By this time the promising fineness of the evening had induced many
to venture forth to the rowing match, and the river was all gaiety and
delight. Boats of every description were seen filled with well dressed
persons, both male and female: the smiling countenances of the lads and
lasses were in unison with the laughing sun, that darted his brilliant
beams upon the dimpled wave, which seemed to leap in return with
grateful animation. The shores were lined with spectators, anxiously
waiting the moment for the commencement of this trial of skill. Our
friends were highly delighted with the prospect before them, and at the
appointed time, having rested on their oars near the place of starting,
they saw with pleasure the active preparations on the part of the
competitors, and upon the signal being given for the start, the river
appeared to consist of nothing but moving conveyances of happy faces,
all guided in one direction. The 'shouts of the various friends of the
occasionally successful candidates for the honour of victory, and the
skill and dexterity with which they manoeuvred against each other, were
subjects of continued admiration; while bands of music were heard from
boats that intermingled with the throng. The lads of the Funny Club were
in high glee--numerous cutters and sailing boats, with their owners and
visiting friends, were also in the throng. Barney pulled away like
a good one, and for a considerable distance kept nearly up with the
principal actors in this gay and animated scene of aquatic diversion,
and arrived off Cumberland gardens just in time to have an excellent
view of the winner coming in at the appointed spot, in prime style,
amidst the loud and reiterated plaudits of his friends.

~~297~~~ The intention of visiting Vauxhall Gardens was, however, for
the present evening relinquished; and our party, feeling fatigued by
their excursion, repaired homeward, where for the present we shall leave
them to their quiet and repose.

CHAPTER XXII

          “I hate that drum's discordant sound,
          Still rolling round and round and round,”

--298~~~ Exclaimed Dashall, as he advanced from the breakfast table
towards the window, when a pleasing and singular street-exhibition
presented itself, which had attracted around a numerous audience, of all
ages and conditions.

An itinerant purveyor of novelties was in the act of showing forth to an
admiring crowd, the docility of a tame hare. On a table in the street,
on which was placed a drum, the little animal stood, in an erect
posture, and with surprising tractableness obeyed the commands of its
exhibiter, delivered in very broken English, with which, nevertheless,
it seemed perfectly conversant.

“Vat mattiere now, dat you be so solky, and no take notice of your goot
friends?--Come, Sare, shew your politesse, and salute de genteelmens
at de window, who so kind as come to look at you.--Make way dere, goot
peoples and leetel childer, dat de genteelmens sail see,--dat vill do.
Now, sare, begin;--do your beisance all round.”

The animal, without any apparent instruction to whom to give the
precedency of obeisance, immediately faced “de genteelmens at de
window,” and saluted them with a conge of particular respect; which
being acknowledged with a motion of the hand by Dashall, the intelligent
animal expressed its sense of his complacency, by a second obeisance,
more profound than the first.

The spectators applauded, and the performer testified its gratitude by a
bow, all round.

“Dat all goot. Now, sare, tree role on de drom for _le Roi
d'Angletterre:--Vive le Roi d'Anglettere!_”

This command the animal very promptly obeyed, by substituting its fore
feet for sticks, and giving three prolonged rolls of the drum, each in
distinct succession.

“Now den for Messieurs.”

~~299~~~ With equal alacrity this hint was attended to, and as _le Roi
d'Angletterre_ had three, so de genteelmens at de window were honoured
with two rolls of the drum.

The like compliment was paid to all de Englise peoples; and the minor
salute of one roll was given to the surrounding spectators.

The indefatigable drummer was next required to give a token of regard
for the Cook; but this he declined to do, and the order, though
frequently given, was as frequently uncomplied with.

“Vill you take notice of me, den?”

This question was instantly answered by the accustomed mark of respect.

“Genteelmans at de window, and peoples on de street, my leetel drommer
no love de cook,--no show her de respect dat he show you--he know dat de
cook be no friend of de pauvre hare; “--then turning towards the animal,
--“Vat,” said he, “must I speak all de tanks mineself?”

In deficiency of speech, the animal reiterated its obeisances--
“Diable!” exclaimed the exhibiter--“here comes de cook, to kill and spit
you!”

The hare instantly hastened to its hiding place, and thus terminated the
exhibition.

“This epitome of the world,” observed Tallyho, “lacks nothing to gratify
every sense of man! Here industry is on the alert to accumulate wealth,
and dissipation in haste to spend it. Here riot and licentiousness
roll triumphantly in gilded state, while merit pines in penury and
obscurity;--and here ingenuity roams the streets for a scanty and
precarious subsistence, exhibiting learned pigs, dogs, and so
forth, that will cast accounts with the precision of an experienced
arithmetician; and a tame hare that will beat a drum, and make a bow
more gracefully than a dancing-master. This last instance of human
ingeniousness, by which the poor Frenchman picks up a living, would
almost induce a belief that the power of art is unlimitable, and that
apparently insurmountable difficulties may be overcome by diligent
perseverance!--Who, besides this foreigner, would have thought of
divesting a hare of its natural timidity, and rendering it subservient,
by a display of intelligence, to the acquirement of his subsistence?”

~~300~~~ “And who,” said Dashall, “would have thought, but a German, of
training canary-birds to imitate military evolution,--make a prisoner
of one of their fellows as a deserter,--try and condemn him to
death,--apparently execute the sentence, by shooting him with a small
gun,--and finally, bear away the motionless and seemingly lifeless body
on a wheel-barrow, for interment!--Nay, who would think of inverting the
order of nature, by creating and cementing a union of friendship between
cats and birds and mice, associating them together, within the confines
of a cage, in the utmost harmony of social intercourse?--And who shall
presume to set bounds to the human art, that from a deal board has
constructed the figure of a man that will beat at the difficult game of
chess, the first players in Europe;{1} and created a wooden musician,
that in a solo from the trumpet, will excel the best living performers on
that instrument!”

     1 It appears by the following letter from Presburg, in
     Hungary, that this wonderful automaton was originally
     invented and exhibited there:--

     “During my stay in this city, I have been so happy as to
     form an acquaintance with M. de Kempett, an Aulic Counsellor
     and Director General of the salt mines in Hungary. It seems
     impossible to attain to a more perfect knowledge of
     Mechanics, than this gentleman hath done. At least no artist
     has yet been able to produce a machine, so wonderful in its
     kind, as what he constructed about a year ago. M. de
     Kempett, excited by the accounts he received of the
     extraordinary performances of the celebrated M. de
     Vaucanson, and of some other men of genius in Prance and
     England, at first aimed at nothing more, than to imitate
     those artists. But he has done more, he has excelled them.
     He has constructed an Automaton, which can play at chess
     with the most skilful players. This machine represents a man
     of the natural size, dressed like a Turk, sitting before the
     table which holds the chess-board. This table (which is
     about three feet and a half long, and about two feet and a
     half broad) is supported by four feet that roll on castors,
     in order the more easily to change its situation; which the
     inventor fails not to do from time to time, in order to take
     away all suspicion of any communication. Both the table and
     the figure are full of wheels, springs, and levers. M. de
     Kempett makes no difficulty of shewing the inside of the
     machine, especially when he finds any one suspects a boy to
     be in it. I have examined with attention all the parts both
     of the table and figure, and I am well assured there is not
     the least ground for such an imputation. I have played a
     game at chess with the Automaton myself. I have particularly
     remarked, with great astonishment, the precision with which
     it made the various and complicated movements of the arm,
     with which it plays. It raises the arm, it advances it
     towards that part of the chess-board, on which the piece
     stands, which ought to be moved; and then by a movement of
     the wrist, it brings the hand down upon the piece, opens the
     hand, closes it upon the piece in order to grasp it, lifts
     it up, and places it upon the square it is to be removed to;
     this done, it lays its arm down upon   a   cushion   which
     is   placed   on   the   chess-board.    If  it ought to
     take one of its adversary's pieces, then by one entire
     movement, it removes that piece quite off the chess-board,
     and by a series of such movements as 1 have been describing,
     it returns to take up its own piece, and place it in the
     square, which the other had left vacant. I attempted to
     practise a small deception, by giving the Queen the move of
     a Knight; but my mechanic opponent was not to be so imposed
     on; he took up my Queen and replaced her in the square she
     had been removed from. All this is done with the same
     readiness that a common player shews at this game, and I
     have often engaged with persons, who played neither so
     expeditiously, nor so skilfully as this Automaton, who yet
     would have been extremely affronted, if one had compared
     them to him. You will perhaps expect me to propose some
     conjectures, as to the means employed to direct this machine
     in its movements. I wish I could form any that were
     reasonable and well-founded; but notwithstanding the minute
     attention with which I have repeatedly observed it, I have
     not been able in the least degree to form any hypothesis
     which could satisfy myself. The English ambassador, Prince
     Guistiniani, and several English Lords, for whom the
     inventor had the complaisance to make the figure play, stood
     round the table while I played the game. They all had their
     eyes on M. de Kempett, who stood by the table, or sometimes
     removed five or six feet from it, yet not one of them could
     discover the least motion in him, that could influence the
     Automaton. They who had seen the effects produced by the
     loadstone in the curious exhibitions on the Boulevards at
     Paris, cried out, that the loadstone must have been the
     means here employed to direct the arm. But, besides that
     there are many objections to this supposition, M. de
     Kempett, with whom I have had long conversations since on
     this subject, offers to let any one bring as close as he
     pleases to the table the strongest and best-armed magnet
     that can be found, or any weight of iron whatever, without
     the least fear that the movements of his machine will be
     affected or disturbed by it. He also withdraws to any
     distance you please, and lets the figure play four or five
     moves successively without approaching it. It is unnecessary
     to remark, that the marvellous in this Automaton consists
     chiefly in this, that it has not (as in others, the most
     celebrated machines of this sort) one determined series of
     movements, but that it always moves in consequence of the
     manner in which its opponent moves; which produces an
     amazing multitude of different combinations in its
     movements. M. de Kempett winds up from time to time the
     springs of the arm of this Automaton, in order to renew its
     MOVING FORCE, but this, you will observe, has no relation to
     its guiding FORCE or power of direction, which makes the
     great merit of this machine. In general I am of opinion,
     that the contriver influences the direction of almost every
     stroke played by the Automaton, although, as I have said, I
     have sometimes seen him leave it to itself for many moves
     together; which, in my opinion, is the most-difficult
     circumstance of all to comprehend in what regards this
     machine. M. de Kempett has the more merit in this invention,
     as he complains that his designs have not always been
     seconded by workmen so skilful as was requisite to the exact
     precision of a work of this nature; and he hopes he shall,
     ere long, produce to the world performances still more
     surprising than this. Indeed one may expect every thing from
     his knowledge and skill, which are exceedingly enhanced by
     his uncommon modesty. Never did genius triumph with less
     ostentation.”

~~302~~~ “London is a rare place for sights,--always something
new;--where the spirits need never flag through want of amusement. Let
me recapitulate,--there is the automaton chess-player and the automaton
trumpeter,--the family compact, alias amicable society of cat, birds,
and mice,--the military canaries, and an hundred phenomena besides, of
which we shall make the round in due time. In the meanwhile, let us
set out, like the knight of La Mancha, in search of adventures, without
running the risk of mistaking windmills for giants: one of the former
would, indeed, be a high treat to the insatiable curiosity of the
inhabitants of this metropolis; and as to giants, there are none on
shew since Bartholomew-fair, excepting those stationary gentlemen, the
twin-brothers, Gog and Magog, in Guildhall.”

Passing through the town without meeting with any new object worthy
of particular notice, they found themselves at the extremity of
Threadneedle-street, when Dashall, pointing to a neat plain building,
“this,” said he, “is the South Sea House. The South Sea Company was
established for the purpose of an exclusive trade to the South Seas,
and many thousands were ruined by the speculation: the iniquity and
deception were at last discovered, and those who were at the head
were punished. The eager hope of wealth frequently engenders
disappointment,--but here credulity attained her zenith;--amongst other
schemes, equally practicable, the projectors of this notorious bubble
set up a method of making butter from beech-trees; a plan to learn
people to cast their nativity; an insurance against divorces; and a way
of making deal boards out of saw-dust!”

“And is it possible,” inquired Tallyho, “that such most preposterous
theories obtained belief?”

“Even so,” answered Dashall,--“What is there in which human folly
will not believe?--We have all read of the bottle-conjurer.{1}--The
prevalence of curiosity is universal. I could safely stake any money,
that if public notice was given of a person who would leap down his own
throat, he would gain belief, and a full audience would favour him with
their company to witness his marvellous performance.”

     1 This speculator by wholesale in English credulity,
     advertised, “that he would, in the Haymarket theatre,
     literally and _bona fide_ creep into a quart bottle; and
     further, would, when inside such quart bottle, entertain the
     audience with a solo on the violin!”

     Long before the appointed hour of performance, the house was
     crammed at all points, and thousands were sent from the
     doors for want of room. The most eager curiosity prevailed
     as the time drew near for the commencement of these
     extraordinary feats, and the clamour for the appearance of
     the performer was incessant and vociferous. At last he came
     forward upon the stage, and all was breathless attention.
     “Ladies and gentlemen, I am sorry to say that I cannot, to-
     night, find a bottle large enough for the purpose intended;
     but to-morrow I faithfully engage to go into a pint bottle,
     in atonement of the present disappointment!” He then
     retired. The shock was electrical,--a dead silence prevailed
     for a moment;--the delusion vanished, and “confusion worse
     confounded” ensued; the interior of the house was nearly
     demolished. His It. H. the D. of C. was present, and lost a
     gold-hilted sword. During “the wreck of matter and the crush
     of worlds,” the speculator made off with his booty.

~~303~~~ Proceeding into Bishopsgate-street, the new City of London
Tavern caught the attention of Tallyho.

“This,” observed his friend, “is probably the first tavern in London,
with reference to superior accommodation. Here congregate the most
eminent corporate bodies, directors of public institutions and others,
on occasions of business or enjoyment; here the admirable arrangement
of every thing conducive to comfort is minutely attended to; here the
plenitude of abundance, and the delicacies of luxury, distinguish the
festive board, and the culinary art is shown forth to the very acme of
perfection; which, together with the varied, unsophisticated excellence
of the richest wines, secure to this celebrated tavern the continuance
of a well-merited public approbation. But one of these days we shall
avail ourselves of practical experience, by forming part of the company
at dinner.”

Proposing in their way home to take the skirts of the metropolis, they
directed their course through Moorfield, where Tallyho remarked on the
unseemly desolate waste there presenting itself, and expressed surprise
that it was not appropriated to some purposes of utility or ornament.

~~304~~~ “It appears,” answered Dashall, “as if some such improvement
was in projection; probably a new square, if we may so opine from
present indications; however, be the intention what it may, the
execution is uncommonly tardy; with the exception of the central
iron-railing, the handsome structure on the opposite side, the solitary
building on the right, and range of new houses on the left, the tout
ensemble was the same twenty years ago. It is a scene of dilapidation
which might perhaps have been

“More honoured in the breach than in th' observance.”

I recollect, that when a boy, I frequently extended my rambles into
the quarters of Moorfields, for so was this place then named, from its
compartments, exhibiting rural appearance even in the centre of London.
Here were four enclosed fields, displaying in the season the beautiful
verdure of nature; and numerous trees branching, in ample shade, over
two great walks, that intersected each other at right angles, and formed
the afternoon promenade of the citizens' wives and daughters. In former
times, the quarters of Moorfields were resorted to by holiday visitants,
as the favourite place of rendezvous, where predominated the recreation
of manly exercises, and shows, gambols, and merriment were the orders of
the day. The present is an age of improvement,--and yet I cannot think,
in an already monstrously overgrown metropolis, the substitution of
bricks and mortar an equivalent for green fields and rural simplicity.”

Leaving Moorfields, they passed, in a few minutes, into Finsbury-square.

Tallyho appeared surprised by its uniformly handsome edifices, its
spacious extent, and beautiful circular area, in which the ground is
laid out and the shrubberies disposed to the very best advantage. “Here,
at least,” he observed, “is a proof that Taste and Elegance are not
altogether excluded a civic residence.”

“In this square, taking its name from the division of Finsbury,” said
Dashall, “reside many of the merchants and other eminent citizens of
London; and here, in the decorations, internally, of their respective
mansions, they vie with the more courtly residents westward, and exceed
them generally in the quietude of domestic enjoyment.”

~~305~~~ Renewing their walk along the City Road, the gate of Bunhill
Fields burying-ground standing conveniently open, “Let us step in,” said
Dashall,--“this is the most extensive depository of the dead in London,
and as every grave almost is surmounted by a tombstone, we cannot fail
in acquiring an impressive _memento mori_.”

While examining a monumental record, of which there appeared a countless
number, their attention was withdrawn from the dead, and attracted by
the living. An elderly personage, arrayed in a rusty suit of sables,
with an ink bottle dangling from one of the buttons of his coat, was
intently employed in copying a long, yet well written inscription, to
the memory of Patrick Colquhon, L.L.D., author of a Treatise on the
Police of the Metropolis, and several other works of great public
utility. Having accomplished his object, the stranger saluted
Dashall and Tallyho in a manner so courteous as seemingly to invite
conversation.

“You have chosen, Sir,” observed Mr. Dashall, “rather a sombre cast of
amusement.”

“Otherwise occupation,” said the stranger, “from which I derive
subsistence. Amidst the endless varieties of Real Life in London, I am
an _Epitaph-Collector_, favoured by my friends with the appellation of
_Old Mortality_, furnished them by the voluminous writer and meteor of
the north, Sir Walter Scott.”

“Do you collect,” asked Tallyho, “with the view of publishing on your
own account?”

“No, Sir,--I really am not in possession of the means wherewith
to embark on so hazardous a speculation. I am thus employed by an
eccentric, yet very worthy gentleman, of large property, who ambitious
of transmitting his name to posterity, means to favour the world with a
more multitudinous collection of epitaphs than has hitherto appeared
in any age or nation;--his prospectus states “Monumental Gleanings, in
twenty-five quarto volumes!”

“Astonishing!” exclaimed Dashall,--“Can it be possible that he ever will
be able to accomplish so vast an undertaking?”

“And if he does,” said Tallyho, “can it be possible that any person will
be found to read a production of such magnitude, and on such a subject?”

~~306~~~ “That to him is a matter of indifference,” said Old
Mortality,--“he means to defray the entire charges, and the object of
publication effected, will rest satisfied with the approbation of the
discerning few, leaving encomium from the multitude to authors or
compilers more susceptible of flattery,--

          “Born with a stomach to digest a ton!”

As to the quantum of materiel, he is indefatigable in personal research,
employing besides numerous collectors even in the sister island, and in
this, from the Land's-end to Johnny Grot's house.”

“And when,” asked Dashall, “is it probable that this gigantic work may
be completed?”

“Can't say,” answered Old Mortality,--“I should think at no very remote
period: the collection is in daily accumulation, and we are already in
possession of above ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND.”

“Prodigious!” exclaimed Dashall, “as Dominic Sampson says. And pray,
Sir, what number may your assiduities have contributed towards the
aggregate?”

“That,” answered Old Mortality, “I cannot exactly ascertain; to those,
however, already supplied, this ground will yield a considerable
increase.”

“May we solicit,” said Tallyho, “without the imputation of intrusion,
the favour of your reading to us from your table-book, a few of the most
remarkable epitaphs?”

Old Mortality readily promised gratification as far as possible, but he
had not his table-book with him; “I have been employed to day,” said he,
“in making extracts from one of our manuscript folio volumes, for the
purpose of insertion in the different metropolitan daily papers;--here
they are”--taking a small bundle from his pocket, tied round with red
tape,--“one for each paper: permit me, gentlemen, for a moment just to
look over the endorsations.”

The triumvirate now seated themselves on a tombstone, and Old Mortality
untying the bundle of extracts, laid them down in loose compact; then
taking up the first, and reading the superscription, shewing for what
newspaper it was intended, he reversed it on the tombstone.--“This,”
 said he, “is for “_The Times, British Press, Morning Post, Morning
Chronicle, Morning Advertiser, Morning Herald, Public Ledger_,--all
right,--and sorted, as the postman sorts his letters: I shall take,
first of all, Printing-house Square, the others are in a direct line of
delivery.” This important arrangement made, he took up one paper from
the bundle, and read the contents with an audible voice:--~~307~~~

SPECIMEN OF MONUMENTAL GLEANINGS,

Extracted from the manuscript folio of a new compilation of Epitaphs,
serious and eccentric, now in collection, from numerous Dormitories in
Great Britain and Ireland; To be completed with all possible expedition,
And will be ushered to the patronage of a discerning Public, in
Twenty-five quarto volumes.

           In the Church-yard of Winchester, Hants.

           Here lies interred a Hampshire Grenadier,
           Who got his death by drinking cold small beer.
           Soldiers, take heed from his untimely fall,
           And if you drink, drink strong, or none at all.

           In Stepney Church-yard.

           Here lies the body of Daniel Saut,
           Spitalfields weaver,--and that's all.

           In Chigwem Church-yard.

           This disease you ne'er heard tell on,
           I died of eating too much melon;
           Be careful then all you that feed--I
           Suffer'd, because I was too greedy.

           In St. John's, Leeds.

           _Hic jacet_, sure the fattest man
           That Yorkshire stingo made;
           He was a lover,--of his can,
           A clothier by his trade.
           His waist did measure three yards round,
           He weighed almost three hundred pound;
           His flesh did weigh full twenty stone,--
           His flesh, I say--he had no bone,--
           At least 'tis said that he had none.

           Eltham.

           My wife lies here beneath,
           Alas from me she's flown!
           She was so good, that Death
           Would have her for his own.

           At Maidstone.

           My life was short, as you may see,
           I died at only twenty-three.
           Now free from pain and grief I rest
           I had a cancer in my breast;
           The Doctors all their physic tried,
           And thus by slow degrees I died!

           Northampton.

           Here lies the corpse of Susan Lee,
           Who died of heartfelt pain,
           Because she lov'd a faithless he,
           Who lov'd not her again!
           Pray for me, old Thomas Dunn,--
           But if you don't,--'tis all one!

           In Aberdeen, Scotland.

           Here lies auld William Alderbroad.
           Have mercy on his soul, Lord God,
           As he would have were he Lord God,
           And thou auld William Alderbroad!

           Sir William Walworth, Lord Mayor of London
           St. Michael's, Crooked Lane.
           Hereunder lyth a man of fame,
           William Walworth callyd by name;
           Fishmonger he was in life time here,
           And twice Lord Maior as in bookes appere,
           Who with courage stout and manly might
           Slew Wat Tyler, in King Richard's sight.
           For which act done and trew intent,
           The King made him a Knight incontinent,
           And gave him armes, as heere you see,
           To declare his fait and chivalrie.
           He left this life the yere of our God,
           Thirteene hundryd fourscore and three, odd.

           William Wray.
           In the same Church-yard.

           Here lyeth, wrapt in clay,
           The body of William Wray;--
           I have no more to say.

Interchanging civilities, the party now separated, the collector to
resume his occupation, and the two friends their walk.

“Twenty-five quarto volumes,” exclaimed the Squire, “and exclusively
filled with epitaphs; this fellow has set himself a task with a
vengeance!”

“And which,” answered his friend, “he will never be able to accomplish;
however, the ambition of renown as a voluminous collector is the less
censurable, as being unattended by any of its too frequently pernicious
concomitants, and giving to others an acceptable and not irrational
employment; he is only blameable in the projected extent, not the nature
of his pursuit; and happy would it be for mankind did the love of fame
engender no greater evil than that, if any, which may accrue from the
Herculean labours of this epitaph collector.”

“Yet to us, the uninitiated of the country, it would never occur that
there existed even in London a man who disseminated his fortune, and
applied his mental and corporeal energies in gleaning epitaphs.”

“Neither perhaps would it occur that there existed even in London a
virtuoso who discovered that fleas were a species of lobster, and who
proceeded to proof by the ordeal of boiling water, on the supposition
that the process would change their hue from black to red, and thus
satisfactorily establish the correctness of his judgment; unfortunately,
however, the boiled fleas still retained their original colour, and the
ingenious hypothesis was reluctantly relinquished.”{1}

     1 It is told of another virtuoso, that he was waited upon
     one morning by a stranger, who announced that he had the
     opportunity of procuring an inestimable curiosity--a horned
     cock; but that its owner, an avaricious old woman, had her
     domicile in the highlands of Scotland, to which remote
     region it would be necessary to travel, amply provided with
     the pecuniary means of securing this wonderful bird; and
     that it would be expedient to set out immediately, lest the
     matchless phenomenon should become the prize of a more
     fortunate competitor.

     “A horned cock! the very acme of frolicsome nature,--a
     desideratum in the class of _lusus naturae_, which I would
     rather possess than the mines of Peru!--Away, my dear
     fellow; speed like lightning to the north,--purchase this
     precious bird at any price; and should the old woman
     hesitate at separation from her cornuted companion, why then
     purchase both, and bring them to town with all possible
     celerity!”

     In the interval between this important mission and the
     achievement of its object, the anxiety of the virtuoso was
     inexpressible;--a horned cock! it was the incessant subject
     of his cogitations by day, and of his dreams by night. At
     last the auspicious moment arrived; in the still noontide of
     night the preconcerted rap at the street door announced the
     happy result of the momentous expedition. The virtuoso
     sprang from his couch with extasy to admit the illustrious
     prodigy of nature. His astonishment, delight, and triumph
     were unspeakable:--two horns of the most beautiful curva-
     ture adorned the crested head of this noble northern.
     Anticipation thus blessed by the fulness of fruition, the
     bringer was super-abundantly rewarded. Next morning the
     virtuoso sent a message to each of his most highly favoured
     friends, desiring attendance at his house instantaneously,
     on an occasion of vast importance. “Gentlemen,” said he to
     his assembled visitants, “I may now boast possession of that
     whicli will astonish the universe--a horned cock! behold the
     rara avis, and envy my felicity!” So saying, he uncovered a
     wicker basket, when lo! the bird, shorn of its honours!
     indignant at confinement, and struggling for freedom, had
     dropped its waxen antlers! The unfortunate virtuoso stood
     aghast and speechless, and only at last found utterance to
     curse his own credulity!

~~310~~~ Pursuing their course along the City Road, the two friends were
attracted by the appearance of a caravan, stationary on the road side,
whereon was inscribed, in large characters, The Female Salamander.

“Here is another instance,” observed Dashall, “of the varieties of Real
Life in London.”

“Walk in, gentlemen,” exclaimed the proprietor, “and see the surprising
young woman over whom the element of fire has no control!”

Tom and Bob accepted the invitation. Entering the caravan, they were
received by an interesting young female, apparently not more than
eighteen years of age, with a courteousness of manner far beyond what
could have been expected from an itinerant exhibitor.

So soon as a sufficient number of spectators had congregated within the
vehicle, the female Salamander commenced her exhibition.

Taking a red-hot poker from the fire, she grasped it firmly, and drew
it from head to point through her hand, without sustaining the smallest
injury!

~~311~~~ “Will you permit me to look at your hand?” asked Dashall.

The girl extended her hand,--the palm was moist, and seemed to have
been previously fortified against danger by some secret liquid or
other application, now reeking from its recent contact with the flaming
weapon.

An uncivilized bumpkin accused her of deception, asserting that the
poker was not heated to the extent represented.

“Touch and try,” answered the girl. He did so, and the cauterizing
instrument gave a feeling (although not very satisfactory) negative to
his assertion.

“The mystery,” continued Dashall, “of resisting the impression of
tire, certainly originates in the liquid by which your hand has been
protected.”

“I shall answer your observation,” said the Salamander, “by another
performance.”

She then dipped her fingers into a pot of molten lead, and let fall
upon her tongue several drops of the metallic fluid, to the no small
amazement and terror of the company; and as if to remove the idea of
precautionary application, she after a lapse of five minutes, repeated
the same extraordinary exhibition, and finally immerged her naked feet
in the boiling material.

The inscrutable means by which the Salamander executed these feats with
the most complete success and safety, were not to be divulged; and as
neither of our respectable friends felt desirous of emulating the fair
exhibitant, they declined the importunity of further inquiry.

“This is, indeed,” said Dashall, as they resumed their walk, “the age
of wonders:--here is a girl who can bear to gargle her mouth with melted
lead, put her delicate feet into the same scalding material, and pass
through her hands a flaming red-hot poker! I am inclined to believe,
that were the present an age of superstition, she might be burnt for a
witch, were she not happily incombustible. For my own part, I sincerely
hope that this pyrophorous prodigy will never think of quitting her own
country; and as I am a bachelor, I verily believe I should be tempted to
make her an offer of my hand, could I flatter myself with any chance
of raising aflame, or making a match with such uninflammable commodity.
Only conceive the luxury, when a man comes home fatigued, and in a hurry
for his tea, of having a wife who can instantly take out the heater
for ~~312~~~ the urn with her fingers,--stir the fire with ditto--snuff
candles with ditto--make a spit of her arm, or a toasting fork of her
thumb! What a saving, too, at the washing season, since she need only
hold her hand between the bars till it is red-hot, thrust it into a
box iron, and iron you off a dozen children's frocks, while an ordinary
laundress would be coddling the irons over the fire, spitting upon them,
and holding them to her cheek to ascertain the heat before she began to
work.”

“And,” observed the Squire, taking up his friend's vein of humour, “if
the young lady be as insensible to the flames of Cupid as she is to
those of Vulcan, she might still be highly useful in a national point of
view, and well worthy the attention of the various fire-offices.”

“Exactly so,” replied his Cousin,--“how desirable for instance would it
have been at the late alarming fire in Gracechurch-street, to have had
a trustworthy person like her, who could very coolly perambulate
the blazing warehouses, to rescue from the flames the most valuable
commodities, or lolling astraddle upon a burning beam, hold the red-hot
engine pipe in her hand, and calmly direct the hissing water to
those points where it may be most effectually applied. In our
various manufactories, what essential services she might perform.
In glass-houses, for instance, it is notorious that great mischief
sometimes arises from inability to ascertain when the sand and flint
have arrived at the proper degree of fusion. How completely might this
be remedied, by merely shutting up the female Salamander in the furnace;
and I can really imagine nothing more interesting, than to contemplate
her in that situation, dressed in an asbestos pelisse, watching the
reproduction of a phoenix hung up in an iron cage by her side, fondling
a spritely little Salamander, and bathing her naked feet in the vitreous
lava, to report upon the intensity of heat. Much more might be urged
to draw the attention of government to the propriety of retaining this
anti-ignitible young lady, not only for the benefits she may confer upon
the public, but for the example she may afford to others of her own
sex; that by a proper exertion of courage, the most ardent sparks may be
sometimes encountered without the smallest inconvenience or injury.”

~~313~~~ Indulging in this playful vein of raillery, they now reached
that part of the City Road intersected by the Regent's Canal, where its
spacious basin, circumjacent wharfs and warehouses, and winding line of
water, with barges gliding majestically on its placid wave, where lately
appeared open fields arrayed in the verdure of nature, afforded full
scope for remark by Mr. Dashall, on the gigantic design and rapid
accomplishment, by commercial enterprize, of the most stupendous
undertakings.

“This work of incalculable public utility,” said Mr. Dashall, “sprang
into being with the alacrity of enchantment;--the same remark may
apply to every other improvement of this vast metropolis, so rapid in
execution, that one thinks of the wonderful lamp, and the magnificent
palace of Aladdin, erected in one night by the attendant genii.”

Onwards towards “merry Islington;”{1}--“here,” said Dashall, “is the New
River: this fine artificial stream is brought from two springs at Chad
well and Am well, in Hertfordshire, for the supply of London with water.
It was finished in 1613, by Sir Hugh Middleton, a citizen of London, who
expended his whole fortune in this public undertaking. The river, with
all its windings, is nearly 39 miles in length; it has 43 sluices,
and 215 bridges; over and under it a great number of brooks and
water-courses have their passage. In some places this canal is carried
through vales, and in others through subterraneous passages. It
terminates in a basin called the New River Head, close by. From the
reservoir at Islington the water is conveyed by 58 main pipes under
ground along the middle of the principal streets; and thence by leaden
pipes to the different houses. Thus, by means of the New River, and
of the London Bridge water-works, every house in the metropolis is
abundantly supplied with water, at the expense each of a few shillings
only per annum.

     1 Thus all through merry Islington
       These gambols he did play.

     John Gilpin.

This village of Islington is a large and populous place, superior
both in size and appearance to many considerable towns in the country.
Observe the Angel Inn, celebrated for its ordinary, where you may
enjoy, after a country ramble, an excellent dinner on very moderate
terms.--Apropos, of the Angel Inn ordinary: some years ago it was
regularly every Sunday attended by a thin meagre ~~314~~~ gaunt and bony
figure, of cadaverous aspect, who excited amongst the other guests no
small degree of dismay, and not without cause. Cognominated the Wolf, he
justified his pretensions to the appellation, by his almost incredible
powers of gormandizing; for a quantum of viands sufficient for six men
of moderate appetite, would vanish on the magic contact of his knife and
fork, in the twinkling of an eye; in fact, his voracity was considered
of boundless extent, for he invariably and without cessation consumed
by wholesale, so long as eatables remained on the table. One day, after
having essentially contributed to the demolition of a baron of beef, and
devoured an entire shoulder of lamb, with a commensurate proportion of
bread, roots, vegetables, &c, he pounced, with the celerity of a hawk,
on a fine roast goose, which unfortunately happened to have been just
then placed within the reach of his annihilating fangs, and in a very
short space of time it was reduced to a skeleton; having occasion for a
few minutes to leave the room, the company in the meanwhile secreted the
bones of the goose. The waiter now entered for the purpose of removing
the cloth: casting his eyes round the room, he seemed absorbed in
perplexity--“What is the matter?” asked one of the company; “do you miss
arty thing?”--“Yes, Sir, the bones of a goose!”--“Why then you may save
yourself the trouble of further search; the gentleman just gone out,
of modest manners and puny appetite, has devoured the goose, bones and
all!”--The waiter lost no time in reporting the appalling fact to
his master, who now more than ever was desirous of getting rid of the
glutton--but how? it was impossible to exclude him the ordinary, or set
bounds to his appetite; the only resource left was that of buying him
off, which was done at the rate of one shilling per diem, and the wolf
took his hebdomadary repast at a different ordinary: from this also his
absence was purchased at the same rate as by the first. Speculating on
his gluttony, he levied similar contributions on the proprietors of the
principal ordinaries in the metropolis and environs; and if the fellow
is still living, I have no doubt of his continuing to derive his
subsistence from the sources already described!--Now what think you of
Real Life in London?”{1}

     1 The wolf, so cognominated, was less censurable for his
     gluttony than the infamous purpose to which he applied it--
     otherwise he had a parallel in a man of sublime genius.
     Handel one day entered a tavern in the city and ordered six
     mackarel, a fowl, and a veal cutlet, to be ready at a
     certain hour. True to his appointment, he re-appeared at the
     time stipulated, and was shown into an apartment where
     covers were laid for four. Handel desired to have another
     room, and ordered his repast to be served up immediately.--
     “Then you don't wait for the rest of the company, sir?”
      said the waiter.--“Companee! vat you tell me of companee?”
      exclaimed Handel. “I vant no companee. I order dem two tree
     ting for my lonch!” The repast was served up, and honoured
     by Handel to the bones. He then drank a bottle of wine, and
     afterwards went home to dinner!

     During one of the campaigns of Frederick of Prussia, a boor
     was brought before him of an appetite so incredibly
     ravenous, that he offered to devour a hog barbacued. A
     general officer present ob-served, that the fellow ought to
     be burnt as a wizard.--“May it please your Majesty,” said
     the gormand, “to order that old gentleman to take off his
     spurs, and I will eat him before I begin the hog!” Panic
     struck, although a brave soldier, at the idea of being
     devoured alive, the general shut himself up in his tent
     until the man-eater departed the encampment.

~~315~~~ The Squire knew not what to think--the circumstance was
so extraordinary, that the story would have been rejected by him as
unworthy of notice, had it been told by any other person; and coming
even from his respectable friend, he remained, until reassured of the
fact, rather incredulous of belief.

Descending the declivity leading from Pentonville to Battle Bridge,
Dashall, pointing to an extensive pile of buildings at some little
distance on the left,--“That,” said he, “is Cold Bath Fields
Penitentiary House, constructed on the plan of the late Mr. Howard, and
may be considered in all respects as an experiment of his principles.
It cost the county of Middlesex between £70 and £80,000, and its yearly
expenditure is about £7,000. It was opened in 1794, and was originally
designed only as a kind of Bridewell; but having suitable accommodations
for several descriptions of prisoners, it was applied to their different
circumstances. The prison you may observe is surrounded by a wall of
moderate height. Here are workshops for the prisoners; an office in
which the business of the prison is transacted; a committee-room, and
the best chapel of any prison in London. The cells are 218 in number,
about eight feet long each. In these, penitentiary prisoners are
confined till they have completed their tasks, when they are let into
the courts at the back. Owing to the exertions of Sir Francis ~~316~~~
Burdett, and his partizans, this house, about the year 1799 and 1800,
attracted much popular odium. Many abuses, now rectified, were then
found to exist in the management, though not to the full extent
described.”

A new scene now rose on the view of our two pedestrians. A little
further on, in a field by the roadside, a motley assemblage of auditors
environed an orator mounted on a chair, who with frequent contortion
of feature, and appropriate accompaniment of gesticulation, was holding
forth in the spirit, as Pashalt, surmised, either of radicalism or
fanaticism. This elevated personage, on closer approximation, proved to
be a field-preacher, and judging from exterior appearance, no stranger
to the good things of this life, although his present admonitory
harangue strongly reprobated indulgence in the vanities of this wicked
world;--he was well clad, and in portly condition, and certainly his
rubicundity of visage by no means indicated on his part the union of
practice with precept.

Nothing of further interest occurred, and they reached home,
pleased with their day's ramble, that had been productive of so
much amusement;--“thus verifying,” said Dashall to the Squire,
“the observation which you lately made--that every hour brings to a
metropolitan perambulator a fresh accession of incident.”

CHAPTER XXIII

          Observe that lean wretch, how dejected he looks,
          The while these fat Justices pore o'er their books.--
          “Hem, hem,--this here fellow our fortunes would tell,--
          He thence at the treading-mill must have a spell:
          He lives by credulity!”--Most people do,--
          Even you on the bench there,--ay, you Sir, and you!
          Release then the Confrer at Equity's call,
          Or otherwise build treading-mills for us all!

~~317~~~ Adverting to the trick recently and successfully practised
on Sir Felix O'Grady, by a juvenile adept in fraud, obtaining from the
Baronet a new suit of clothes; his servant, indignant at his master
having been thus plundered with impunity, had, for several days, been
meditating in what manner most effectually to manouvre, so as to
recover the lost property, and retrieve the honor of Munster, which he
considered tarnished by his master having been duped by a stripling;
when one morning a hand-bill was found in the area, intimating the
residence in Town, pro bono publico, of a celebrated professor of the
Occult Sciences; to whom was given the sublime art of divination, and
who, by astrological and intuitive knowledge, would discover lost or
stolen property, with infallible precision. Thady, whose credulity was
of no inferior order, elate with the idea of consummating his wishes,
communicated to his master the happy opportunity, and was permitted
to seek the counsel of the celestial augurer. Not that the Baronet
entertained any belief of its proving available of discovery, but rather
with the view of introducing to his friends, Dashall and Tallyho, a
fresh source of amusement, as connected with their diurnal investigation
of Real Life in London.

Thither then, Thady repaired, and consulting the Seer, was astonished
by responses which implied the most profound knowledge of times past,
present, and to come! The simplicity of Thady had not escaped the
Astrologer's ~~318~~~ notice, who, by dint of manouvre having contrived
to draw from the Munster man, unwittingly, the requisite intelligence,
merely echoed back the information thus received, to the utter amazement
of Thady, who concluded that the Doctor must have intercourse with the
Devil, and thence that he merited implicit veneration and belief. The
sage predictor having received the customary douceur, now dismissed his
credulous visitant, saying that the planets must be propitiated, and
desiring him to come again at the expiration of twenty-four hours, when
he would receive further intelligence.

Tom and his Cousin having called at the lodging of Sir Felix during
the time that Thady was out on his expedition of discovery, the Baronet
apprized his friends of the amusement in reserve; and they agreed to
visit this expounder of destinies on the servant's return.

Thady at last arrived, and having reiterated his belief that this
marvellous conjurer was the devil's own relative, the party set out
to ascertain by what means they could prove the truth of the affinity
between his infernal majesty and the sage descendant of the Magi.

Gaining the sublunary domicile of this mystical unraveller, which for
the greater facility of communication with the stars he had fixed in the
loftiest apartment of the house, our trio knocked at the door, which,
after some hesitation, was opened by an ancient Sybil, who was presently
joined by her counterpart, both “so withered and so wild in their
attire,” that “they looked not like inhabitants o' th' earth, and yet
were on it.” On the party requiring to see the Doctor, the two hags
explained in a breath that the Doctor received only one visitor at a
time; and while one gentleman went up stairs, the other two must remain
below; and this arrangement being acquiesced in, Tom and Bob were shewn
into a mean looking room on the ground floor, and Sir Felix followed the
ascent of his conductor to the attic.

Entering the presence chamber,--“Welcome, sphinx,” exclaimed the Doctor.

“By the powers,” said the Baronet, “but you are right to a letter; the
Sphinx is a monster-man, and I, sure enough, am a Munster-man.”

“I know it.--What would'st thou, Sir Felix O'Grady?”

~~319~~~ The Baronet felt surprised by this familiar recognition of his
person, and replied by observing, that as the inquirer so well knew his
name, he might also be acquainted with the nature of his business.

“I partly guess it,” rejoined the Seer, “and although I cannot
absolutely predict restitution of thy lost property, yet I foresee that
accident will throw the depredator in thy way, when the suit may perhaps
find its way back to thy wardrobe. Now, hence to thy business, and I to
mine.”

The Baronet having nothing further to ask, withdrew accordingly; and our
Squire of Belville-hall was next ushered into the _sanctum sanctorum_.

Bob was at a loss what to say, not having prepared himself with any
reasonable pretext of inquiry. A silence of a few moments was the
consequence, and the Squire having first reconnoitred the person of the
conjurer, who was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his profession,
scrutinized the apartment, when the attention of the visitor and visited
being again drawn to each other, the Soothsayer addressed himself to
Tallyho in the following words:

          The shadows of joy shall the mind appal,
          And the death-light dimly flit round the hall
          Of him, by base lucre who led astray,
          Shall age into fruitless minion betray!

          The death-light shall glimmer in Belville-hall,
          And childless the lord of the mansion fall;
          A wife when he weds, vain, ugly, and old,
          Though charms she brings forty thousand in gold!

The Squire was not prone to anger; but that this fellow should interfere
with his private concerns, and impute to him the intention of forming a
most preposterous connexion, under the influence of avarice, roused him
into a whirlwind of passion.--“Rascal!” he exclaimed, “who take upon
you to predict the fate of others, are you aware of your own! Vagabond!
imposter! here I grasp you, nor will I quit my hold until I surrender
you into the hands of justice!” And “suiting the action to the word,” he
seized and shook the unfortunate Seer, to the manifest discomposure of
his bones, who loudly and lamentably cried out for assistance. Alarmed
by the clamour, Dashall and the Baronet rushed up stairs, to whom the
Squire stated the aggravation ~~320~~~ received, and at the same time
his determination to bring the cheat to punishment. The trembling
culprit sued for mercy, conscious that he was amenable to correction as
a rogue and vagabond, and if convicted as such, would probably be sent
to expiate his offence in the Treading-Mill at Brixton, a place of
atonement for transgression, which of all others he dreaded the most.{1}

     1 Union-Hall.--Hannah Totnkins, a miserable woman of the
     town, was brought before R. G. Chambers, Esq. charged with
     having robbed another of the unfortunate class of her
     clothes. It appeared, that the prisoner had been liberated
     from Brixton prison on Friday-last, after a confinement of
     three weeks; and that on coming out she was met by the
     complainant, Catherine Flynn, by whom she was taken to a
     comfortable lodging, supplied with necessaries, and treated
     with great kindness. The prisoner acted with propriety until
     Monday night, during which she remained out in the streets.
     On Tuesday morning, at four o'clock, she came home drenched
     with rain. The complainant desired her either to go to bed,
     or to light a fire and dry her clothes. The prisoner did
     neither, and the complainant went to sleep. At about seven
     the latter awoke, and missed her gown, petticoat, and
     bonnet. The prisoner was also missing. The complainant
     learned that her clothes were at a pawnbroker's shop, where
     they had been left a short time before by the prisoner.
     Hall, the officer, having heard of the robbery, went in
     quest of the prisoner, and found her in a gin-shop in
     Blackman-street, in a state of intoxication. He brought her
     before the magistrates in this condition. Her hair was
     hanging about her face, which was swelled and discoloured by
     the hardship of the preceding night. She did not deny that
     she had stolen the clothes of her poor benefactress, but she
     pleaded in her excuse, that the condition of her body, from
     the rain of Monday night, was such, that nothing but gin
     could have saved her life, and the only way she had of
     getting that medicine, was by pledging Katty Flynn's
     clothes. The magistrates asked the prisoner whether she had
     not got enough of the treading-mill at Brixton. The prisoner
     begged for mercy's sake not to be sent to the treading-mill.
     She would prefer transportation; for it was much more
     honourable to go over the water, than to be sent as a rogue
     and vagabond to Brixton. She was sent back to prison. It is
     a remarkable fact, that since the famous Treading-Mill has
     been erected at Brixton, the business of this office has
     greatly declined. The mill is so constructed, that when a
     man ventures to be idle in it, he receives a knock on the
     head from a piece OF WOOD, which is put there to give them
     notice of what they ere to do!!!

~~321~~~ The two ancient Sybils from the lower regions having now
ascended the scene of confusion, united their voices with that of the
astrologer, and Dashall and Sir Felix also interceding in his behalf,
the Squire yielded to the general entreaty, and promised the soothsayer
forgiveness, on condition that he disclosed the source whence he
derived information as to the Baronet's family concerns. The soothsayer
confessed, that he had elicited intelligence from the servant, who
in his simplicity had revealed so much of his master's affairs, as to
enable him (the conjurer) to sustain his reputation even with Sir Felix
himself, whom from description he recognized on his first entrance, and
by the same means, and with equal ease, identified the person of the
Squire of Belville-hall. He added besides, that he had frequently, by
similar stratagem, acquired intelligence; that chance had more than once
favoured him, by verifying his predictions, and thus both his fame and
finances had obtained aggrandisement. He now promised to relinquish
celestial for sublunary pursuits, and depend for subsistence rather on
the exercise of honest industry than on public credulity.

Thus far had matters proceeded, when the Baronet's servant Thady was
announced. The triumvirate anticipating some extraordinary occurrence,
desired the soothsayer to resume his functions, and give the valet
immediate audience, while they retired into another apartment to wait
the result. In a few minutes the servant was dismissed, and the party
readmitted.

“Chance,” said the augurer, “has again befriended me. I told you, Sir
Felix, that the depredator would be thrown in your way: my prediction is
realized; he has been accidentally encountered by your servant, and is
now in safe custody.”

On this information our party turned homewards, first leaving the
astrologer a pecuniary stimulation to projected amendment of life.

“There seems nothing of inherent vileness,” said the Squire, as they
walked onwards, “in this man's principles; he may have been driven
by distress to his present pursuits; and I feel happy that I did not
consign the poor devil to the merciless fangs of the law, as, in the
moment of irritation, I had intended.”

“By my conscience,” exclaimed Sir Felix, “I cannot discover that he
ought to be punished at all. He has been picking up a scanty living by
preying on public credulity; and from the same source thousands in this
metropolis derive affluent incomes, and with patronage and impunity.”

~~322~~~ “And,” added Dashall, “in cases of minor offence a well-timed
clemency is frequently, both in policy and humanity, preferable to
relentless severity.”{1}

     1 As a contrast to these exemplary feelings, and in
     illustration of Real Life in London, as it regards a total
     absence of sympathy and gentlemanly conduct, in one of a
     respectable class in society, we present our readers with
     the following detail:--

     Hatton Garden. On Saturday sennight, Robert Powell was
     brought before the magistrates, charged with being a rogue,
     vagabond, and imposter, and obtaining money under
     fraudulent pretences, from one Thomas Barnes, a footman in
     the service of Surgeon Blair, of Great Russell-street,
     Bloomsbury, and taking from him 2s. 6d. under pretence of
     telling him the destinies of a female fellow-servant, by
     means of his skill in astrological divina-tion. The nature
     of the offence, and the pious frond by which the disciple of
     Zoroaster was caught in the midst of his sorceries, were
     briefly as follow:--This descendant of the Magi, born to
     illumine the world by promulgating the will of the stars,
     had of course no wish to conceal his residence; on the
     contrary, he resolved to announce his qualification in the
     form of a printed handbill, and to distribute the manifesto
     for the information of the world. One of these bills was
     dropped down the area of Mr. Blair's house; it was found by
     his footman, and laid on the breakfast-table, with the
     newspaper of the morning, as a morceau of novelty, for his
     amusement. Mr. Blair concerted with some of the agents of
     the Society for the Suppression of Vice, a stratagem to
     entrap the Sidéral Professor; in the furtherance of which he
     dictated to his footman a letter to the Seer, expressive of
     a wish to know the future destinies of his fellow-servant,
     the cook-maid, and what sort of a husband the constellations
     had, in their benign influence, assigned her. With this
     letter the footman set out for No. 5, Sutton-street, Soho,
     where he found the Seer had, for the convenience of prompt
     intercourse, chosen his habitation as near the stars as the
     roof of the mansion would admit. Here the footman announced
     the object of his embassy, delivered his credentials, and
     was told by the Seer, that “lie could certainly give him an
     answer now, 'by word of mouth,' but if he would call next
     day, he should be better prepared, as, in the meantime, he
     could consult the stars, and have for him a written answer.”
      The footman retired, and returned next morning, received the
     written response, gave to the Seer the usual donation of 2s.
     6d. previously marked, which sum he figured upon the answer,
     and the receipt of which the unsuspecting Sage acknowledged
     by his signature. With this proof of his diligence, he
     returned to his master, and was further to state the matter
     to the magistrates. A vigilant officer was therefore sent
     after the prophet, whom he found absorbed in profound
     cogitation, casting the nativities of two plump damsels,
     and consulting the dispositions of the stars as to the
     disposition of the lasses; but the unrelenting officer
     entered, and proceeded to fulfil his mission. On searching
     the unfortunate Sage, the identical half-crown paid him by
     Barnes was found, with two others in his pocket, where such
     coins had long been strangers; and the cabalistical chattels
     of his profession accompanied him as the lawful spoil of the
     captor. The magistrate, before whom he had been convicted on
     a former occasion of a similar offence, observed that it was
     highly reprehensible for a man who possessed abilities,
     which by honest exertion might procure him a creditable
     livelihood, thus to degrade himself by a life of imposture
     and fraud upon the ignorant and unwary. The wretched
     prisoner, who stood motionless and self-convicted, exhibited
     a picture of wretchedness from whicli the genius of
     Praxiteles would not have disdained to sketch the statue of
     Ill Luck. Never did soothsayer seem less a favourite of the
     Fates! Aged, tall, meagre, ragged, filthy and care-worn, his
     squalid looks depicted want and sorrow. Every line of his
     countenance seemed a furrow of grief; and his eyes gushing
     with tears, in faint and trembling accents he addressed the
     Court. He acknowledged the truth of the charge, but said,
     that nothing but the miseries of a wretched family could
     have driven him to such a line of life. If he had been able,
     he would gladly have swept the streets; but he was too
     feeble so to do; he had tried every thing in his power, but
     in vain,--

     “He could not dig, to beg he was ashamed;”

     and even if begging, either by private solicitation or
     openly in the streets, could promise him a casual resource
     in the charity of the passing crowd, he was afraid he should
     thereby incur prosecution as a rogue and vagabond, and be
     imprisoned in Bridewell. Parish settlement he has none; and
     what was to be done for a wretched wife and three famishing
     children? He had no choice between famine, theft, or
     imposture. His miserable wife, he feared, was even now
     roaming and raving through the streets, her disorder
     aggravated by his misfortunes; and his wretched children
     without raiment or food. To him death would be a welcome
     relief from a life of misery, tolerable only in the hope of
     being able to afford, by some means, a wretched subsistence
     to his family.

     The magistrates, obviously affected by this scene, said that
     they felt themselves obliged to commit the prisoner, as he
     had not only been repeatedly warned of the consequences of
     his way of life, but was once before convicted of a similar
     offence. He was therefore committed for trial.

     Does Surgeon Blair, who obtains his twenty guineas a day,
     and lives in affluence, think by such conduct as the present
     to merit the esteem of the world, by thus hunting into the
     toils of justice such miserable objects? If he does, though
     we cannot respect him or his associates for their humanity,
     we may undoubtedly pity them for their ignorance and
     superstition.

~~324~~~ On the arrival of the party at the lodgings of Sir Felix, they
learned from the servant, that the latter having met the young swindler
in the streets, Thady recognized and secured him; and he was now at the
disposal of the Baronet, if he chose to proceed against him.

The sprig of iniquity, when made forthcoming, did not deny the accuracy
of the charge, neither did he offer any thing in exculpation. It
was with much difficulty, however, and under the threat of his being
immediately surrendered to justice, that he would disclose the name of
his father, who proved to be a respectable tradesman residing in the
neighbourhood. The unfortunate parent was sent for, and his son's
situation made known to him. The afflicted man earnestly beseeched, that
his son might not be prosecuted; he was not aware, he said, that the
lad was habitually vicious; this probably was his only deviation from
honesty; he, the father, would make every reparation required; but
exposure would entail upon his family irretrievable ruin. It was
elicited from the boy, amid tears and sobs of apparent contrition, that
the articles of apparel were in pledge for a small sum; redemption, and
every other possible atonement, was instantly proposed by the father:
Sir Felix hesitated, was he justifiable, he asked, in yielding to his
own wishes, by foregoing prosecution?--“The attribute of mercy,” said