Distributed Proofreading Team at http://www.pgdp.net

                               MONUMENT

                            By R. W. MAJOR

                       _You've heard of it--now
                     here it is at last. It's the
                    Tale that wagged the Dog Star!_

               Worlds of If Science Fiction, March 1960.

With his explanations to the reporters completed, Dr. King felt that
when he pulled the switch he would automatically restore his good name
and bring to a close a career of solid scientific achievement. Most of
all, he would bring to an end the practice of referring to him as "Side
Effect Charlie."

Dr. Charles King was willing to admit that there were excellent reasons
for his acquiring this hated nickname. The facts were that the bulk of
his scientific achievements were made inadvertently--that is to say,
his discoveries were all made through investigation of unexpected
side effects of his experiments. In a career conspicuous for unusual,
unanticipated side effects, two in particular stand out.

The first discovery resulted in rendering the entire heat-oriented
metallurgical industry obsolete, and founding upon its corpse a new
industry. This was based on the extracting of metal from ore and
its subsequent shaping by first eliminating the bonds that hold the
molecules of metal together, and then reversing the process when the
desired shape was attained. Dr. King did not discover this process
directly. He thought he had discovered a method of making metal
surfaces self-lubricating and 100% friction free. It was not until
several installations utilizing his lubrication method became pools
of liquid metal that Dr. King bothered to discover how his method
worked, and of course the means to reverse his process. The resulting
revolution in metal-processing methods endeared him to everyone--except
a few vested interests like the shareholders in existing metal
companies, who were uniformly glum.

The second discovery, although monumental in itself, is important
because it indirectly led to the special project which Dr. King was
just completing. Dr. King succeeded in growing some crystals in a
nutrient solution. What actually happened was that while eating lunch
at a lab table he managed to knock something into something else and a
crystal developed. Dr. King became fascinated with the odd structure
of these crystals as revealed to him under an electron microscope. (He
had incidentally placed the crystal under the microscope in error.)
As a result, he took to investigating the properties of the crystals
whenever he could find time. Despite his well earned reputation as an
accidental discoverer, it should be pointed out that Dr. King is a
very methodical man. This means he is capable of repeating the same
mistake twice, or for that matter any number of times. Therefore, Dr.
King produced all the crystals he needed.

It was during a vacation in the Adirondacks that Dr. King discovered
the propulsive qualities of the crystals.

This discovery, of course, is what led to the perfection of the "King
Propulsor Unit," the heart of our starship drive systems. Dr. King
was investigating the piezo-electric properties of the crystals in a
makeshift device of his own design when he was disturbed by a sudden
draft in the room. He looked up to discover that one wall of his
workshop and the top one thousand feet of a mile-thick mountain (the
same mountain that his cabin was located upon) were no longer in the
immediate vicinity.

As it turned out, his crude device did not impart to the mountain
all of the thrust inherent in the crystal. The mountain top reached
only to the orbit of Jupiter, where it settled down to become its
newest satellite. Coincidental with Dr. King's experiment, intensive
astronomical work was going on with Jupiter as its prime object. The
capturing of the satellite was observed and recorded independently by
at least six observatories, including the one on Tycho.

Subsequent investigation of the time involved to project this mass
disclosed that Dr. King had invented a faster than light drive. (It
should be pointed out that, while the discovery of the faster than
light drive made the name of Dr. King world renowned, it did not in any
way endear him to the relatives of those thousand-odd persons who lived
in the hamlet located on the mountain top that ended up a satellite of
Jupiter. They also were quite glum.)

Further work, all of a mathematical nature, disclosed to Dr. King the
proper method of enclosing these crystals in a unit to drive space
ships to the stars. Coincidental with his work on the propulsor units
he made a startling discovery which led to his special project.

Dr. King invented perpetual motion.

A series of complicated equations indicated to Dr. King that if he
enclosed six of the crystals in the business end of a pendulum, and
started the pendulum oscillating, it would tick-tock for all eternity.

This discovery began a five-year program that ended with a full scale
press conference. The purpose was to unveil the building designed to
protect this pendulum for all eternity, and of course to unveil the
discovery of perpetual motion at the same time.

This building was designed to be Dr. King's monument to his own genius.
It was a large rambling structure in which the pendulum was displayed
by viewing it through a large hole in a brick wall. All of Dr. King's
considerable savings had gone into designing a computer, the heart
of his protective system. The computer was programmed to protect the
ticking of the pendulum under every conceivable circumstance. So
thorough was this programming that special devices were installed to
keep the building and its precious cargo moving in earth's projected
orbit if, through some gigantic mishap, the earth was reduced to cosmic
dust. The switch that would impart the initial pulse to the pendulum
would also start the computer operating, rendering the entire structure
totally inviolable.

With a flourish, Dr. King pulled the switch.

Nothing happened.

There was an embarrassed shuffling of feet by the reporters. Then, as
Dr. King became more exasperated, the reporters became amused. The
amusement turned to open laughter when Dr. King, frantic with fear,
rushed to the door to check the wiring on the inside of the building.

The door would not open. The computer was at work guarding a
nonfunctioning machine.

He rushed to the open hole in the wall, intending to provide the
initial pulse necessary to start the pendulum swinging by pushing.
He found that the computer had designed a force field to keep him
from entering. Frustrated and at his wit's end, he flew into a rage
which ended in a fatal heart attack when he heard one reporter
laughingly say to him: "Don't let it get you down, Doctor. You've
beat the jinx. In one step you've gone from 'Side-Effect-Charlie' to
'No-Effect-Charlie.'"

It would be comforting to be able to assure everyone that the reporter
in question was correct. Unfortunately Dr. King's monument did work,
and probably will work for all eternity. The day after Dr. Charles
King had his unfortunate heart attack a homesick astronomer on Sirius
reported to his superior, and subsequently to the entire populated
universe, that when he turned his telescope on the Solar System he
discovered that it had acquired a new motion.

The entire system swung back and forth like a pendulum.