qualities which it was well known he had not, asked Macklin the reason
why he should have this propensity of interfering in the good of others
when he frequently met with very unsuitable returns. "The cause is plain
enough," said Macklin; "_impudence_,--nothing but stark-staring
impudence!"

        CCCXXXV.--A "COLD" COMPLIMENT.

A COXCOMB, teasing Dr. Parr with an account of his petty ailments,
complained that he could never go out without catching cold in his head.
"No wonder," returned the doctor; "you always go out without _anything_
in it."

        CCCXXXVI.--READY REPLY.

THE grass-plots in the college courts or quadrangles are not for the
unhallowed feet of the under-graduates. Some, however, are hardy enough
to venture, in despite of all remonstrance. A master of Trinity had
often observed a student of his college invariably to cross the green,
when, in obedience to the calls of his appetite, he went to hall to
dine. One day the master determined to reprove the delinquent for
invading the rights of his superiors, and for that purpose he threw up
the sash at which he was sitting, and called to the student,--"Sir, I
never look out of my window but I see you walking across the
grass-plot". "My lord," replied the offender instantly, "I never walk
across the grass-plot, but I _see you_ looking out of your window." The
master, pleased at the readiness of the reply, closed his window,
convulsed with laughter.

        CCCXXXVII.--FULL PROOF.

LORD PETERBOROUGH was once taken by the mob for the great Duke of
Marlborough (who was then in disgrace with them); and being about to be
roughly treated, said,--"Gentlemen, I can convince you by two reasons
that I am not the Duke of Marlborough. In the first place, I have only
_five guineas_ in my pocket; and in the second, they are heartily at
your service." He got out of their hands with loud huzzas and
acclamations.

        CCCXXXVIII.--EPIGRAM ON CIBBER.

    IN merry Old England it once was the rule,
    The king had his poet and also his fool;
    But now we're so frugal, I'd have you to know it,
    That Cibber can serve both for _fool_ and for _poet_.

        CCCXXXIX.--A PROPHECY.

CHARLES MATHEWS, the elder, being asked what he was going to do with his
son (the young man's profession was to be that of an architect), "Why,"
answered the comedian, "he is going to _draw houses_, like his father."

        CCCXL.--A FIXTURE.

DR. ROGER LONG, the celebrated astronomer, was walking, one dark
evening, with a gentleman in Cambridge, when the latter came to a short
post fixed in the pavement, but which, in the earnestness of
conversation, taking to be a boy standing in the path, he said hastily,
"Get out of the way, boy."--"That boy," said the doctor, very seriously,
"is a _post-boy_, who never turns out of the way for anybody."

        CCCXLI.--FAMILY PRIDE.

A YOUNG lady visiting in the family asked John at dinner for a potato.
John made no response. The request was repeated; when John, putting his
mouth to her ear, said, very audibly, "There's jist _twa_ in the dish,
and they maun be _keepit_ for the strangers."

        CCCXLII.--EVIDENCE OF A JOCKEY.

THE following dialogue was lately heard at an assize:--Counsel: "What
was the height of the horse?" Witness: "Sixteen feet." Counsel: "How old
was he?" Witness: "Six years." Counsel: "How high did you say he was?"
Witness: "Sixteen hands." Counsel: "You said just now sixteen _feet_."
Witness: "Sixteen _feet_! Did I say sixteen _feet_?" Counsel: "You did."
Witness: "_If I did say sixteen feet, it was sixteen feet_!--you don't
catch me crossing myself!"

        CCCXLIII.--WAY OF THE WORLD.

    DETERMINED beforehand, we gravely pretend
    To ask the opinion and thoughts of a friend;
    Should his differ from ours on any pretence,
    We pity his want both of judgment and sense;
    But if he falls into and flatters our plan,
    Why, really we think him a sensible man.

        CCCXLIV.--A BROAD-SHEET HINT.

IN the parlor of a public-house in Fleet Street, there used to be
written over the chimney-piece the following notice: "Gentlemen learning
to _spell_ are requested to use _yesterday's paper_."

        CCCXLV.--MODEST MERIT.

A PLAYER applied to the manager of a respectable company for an
engagement for himself and his wife, stating that his lady was capable
of playing all the first line of business; but as for himself he was
"the worst actor in the world." They were engaged, and the lady answered
the character which he had given of her. The gentleman having the part
of a mere walking gentleman sent him for his first appearance, he asked
the manager, indignantly, how could he put him in such a paltry part.
"Sir," answered the other, "here is your own letter, stating that you
were the _worst_ actor in the world."--"True," replied the other, "but
then I had not _seen you_."

        CCCXLVI.--SOFT, VERY!

SOME one had written upon a pane in the window of an inn on the Chester
road, "Lord M----ms has the softest lips in the universe.--PHILLIS."
Mrs. Abingdon saw this inscription, and wrote under it,--

    "Then as like as two chips
    Are his head and his lips.--AMARILLIS."

        CCCXLVII.--CAMBRIDGE ETIQUETTE.

CAMBRIDGE etiquette has been very happily caricatured by the following
anecdote. A gownsman, one day walking along the banks of the Cam,
observing a luckless son of his Alma Mater in the agonies of _drowning_,
"What a pity," he exclaimed, "that I have not had the honor of being
_introduced_ to the gentleman; I might have saved him;" and walked on,
leaving the poor fellow to his fate.

        CCCXLVIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On interminable harangues.)

    YE fates that hold the vital shears,
    If ye be troubled with remorse,
    And will not cut ----'s _thread of life_,
    Cut then the _thread of his discourse_.

        CCCXLIX.--HALF-WAY.

A HORSEMAN crossing a moor, asked a countryman, if it was safe riding.
"Ay," answered the countryman, "it is hard enough at the _bottom_, I'll
warrant you;" but in half-a-dozen steps the horse sunk up to the girths.
"You story-telling rascal, you said it was hard at the bottom!"--"Ay,"
replied the other, "but you are not _half-way_ to the bottom yet."

        CCCL.--SELF-KNOWLEDGE.

"----," said one of his eulogists, "always knows his own mind." We will
cede the point, for it amounts to an admission that he _knows nothing_.

        CCCLI.--TWO OF A TRADE.

WHEN Bannister was asked his opinion of a new singer that had appeared
at Covent Garden, "Why," said Charles, "he may be Robin Hood this
season, but he will be _robbing_ Harris (the manager) the next."

        CCCLII.--A STRAY SHOT.

AN officer, in battle, happening to _bow_, a cannon-ball passed over his
head, and took off that of the soldier who stood behind him. "You see,"
said he, "that a man never loses by politeness."

        CCCLIII.--MILESIAN ADVICE.

"NEVER be critical upon the ladies," was the maxim of an old Irish peer,
remarkable for his homage to the sex; "the only way in the world that a
true gentleman ever will attempt to look at the faults of a pretty
woman, is _to shut his eyes_."

        CCCLIV.--MR. ABERNETHY.

A LADY who went to consult Mr. Abernethy, began describing her
complaint, which is what he very much disliked. Among other things she
said, "Whenever I lift my arm, it pains me exceedingly."--"Why then,
ma'am," answered Mr. A., "you area great fool for _doing so_."

        CCCLV.--THE DEBT PAID.

    To John I owed great obligation,
      But John, unhappily, thought fit
    To publish it to all the nation;
      Sure John and I are more than quit.

        CCCLVI.--EXTREMES MEET.

A CLEVER literary friend of Jerrold, and one who could take a joke, told
him he had just had "some calf's-tail soup."--"Extremes meet sometimes,"
said Jerrold.

        CCCLVII.--A COMPLIMENT ILL-RECEIVED.

A PERSON who dined in company with Dr. Johnson endeavored to make his
court to him by laughing immoderately at everything he said. The doctor
bore it for some time with philosophical indifference; but the
impertinent _ha, ha, ha!_ becoming intolerable, "Pray, sir," said the
doctor, "what is the matter? I hope I have not said anything that _you_
can comprehend."

        CCCLVIII.--TRUTH NOT TO BE SPOKEN AT ALL TIMES.

GARRICK was on a visit at Hagley, when news came that a company of
players were going to perform at Birmingham. Lord Lyttelton said to
Garrick, "They will hear you are in the neighborhood, and will ask you
to write an address to the Birmingham audience."--"Suppose, then," said
Garrick, without the least hesitation, "I begin thus:--

    Ye sons of iron, copper, brass, and steel,
    Who have not heads to think, nor hearts to feel--"

"Oh!" cried his lordship, "if you begin thus, they will hiss the players
off the stage and pull the house down."--"My lord," said Garrick, "what
is the use of an address if it does not come home to the _business_ and
_bosoms_ of the audience?"

        CCCLIX.--A GOOD REASON.

A GENTLEMAN, talking with his gardener, expressed his admiration at the
rapid growth of the trees. "Why, yes, sir," says the man; "please to
consider that they have _nothing_ else to do."

        CCCLX.--FOLLOWING A LEADER.

FRANKLIN, when ambassador to France, being at a meeting of a literary
society, and not well understanding the French when declaimed,
determined to applaud when he saw a lady of his acquaintance express
satisfaction. When they had ceased, a little child, who understood the
French, said to him, "But, grandpapa, you always applauded the loudest
when they were _praising you_!" Franklin laughed heartily and explained
the matter.

        CCCLXI.--IDOLATRY.

THE toilette of a woman is an altar erected by self-love to vanity.

        CCCLXII.--TWICE RUINED.

"I NEVER was ruined but twice," said a wit; "once when I _lost_ a
lawsuit, and once when I _gained_ one."

        CCCLXIII.--Q.E.D.

A COUNTRY schoolmaster was met by a certain nobleman, who asked his name
and vocation. Having declared his name, he added, "And I am master of
this parish."--"Master of this parish," observed the peer, "how can that
be?"--"I am master of the children of the parish," said the man; "the
children are masters of their mothers, the mothers are rulers of the
fathers, and consequently _I am master_ of the whole parish."

        CCCLXIV.--SHORT STORIES.

SIR WALTER SCOTT once stated that he kept a lowland laird waiting for
him in the library at Abbotsford, and that when he came in he found the
laird deep in a book which Sir Walter perceived to be Johnson's
Dictionary. "Well, Mr. ----," said Sir Walter, "how do you like your
book?"--"They're vera pretty stories, Sir Walter," replied the laird;
"but they're unco' _short_."

        CCCLXV.--ON A LADY WHO SQUINTED.

    IF ancient poets Argus prize,
    Who boasted of a hundred eyes,
    Sure greater praise to her is due,
    Who looks a hundred ways with two.

        CCCLXVI.--AN ORIGINAL ATTRACTION.

FOOTE one evening announced, for representation at the Haymarket
Theatre, "The Fair Penitent," to be performed, for that night only, by a
_black lady of great accomplishments_.

        CCCLXVII.--DEMOCRATIC VISION.

HORNE TOOKE, being asked by George III. whether he played at cards,
replied, "I cannot, your Majesty, tell a _king_ from a _knave_."

        CCCLXVIII.--FISHY, RATHER.

LORD ELLENBOROUGH, on his return from Hone's trial, suddenly stopped his
carriage at Charing Cross, and said, "It occurs to me that they sell the
best herrings in London at that shop. Buy six."

        CCCLXIX.--LIGHT BREAD.

A BAKER has invented a new kind of yeast. It makes bread so light that a
_pound_ of it weighs only _twelve_ ounces.

        CCCLXX.--SOMETHING LIKE AN INSULT.

THE late Judge C---- one day had occasion to examine a witness who
stuttered very much in delivering his testimony. "I believe," said his
lordship, "you are a very great rogue."--"Not so great a rogue as _you_
my lord,--t-t-t-take me to be."

        CCCLXXI.--ON CHARLES KEAN, THE ACTOR.

    AS Romeo, Kean, with awkward grace,
      On velvet rests, 'tis said;
    Ah! did he seek a softer place,
      He'd rest upon his head.

        CCCLXXII.--POLITICAL CORRUPTION.

CURRAN, when opposed to Lord Clare, said that he reminded him of a
chimney-sweep, who had raised himself by dark and dusky ways, and then
called aloud to his neighbors to witness his _dirty_ elevation.

        CCCLXXIII.--A QUAKERLY OBJECTION.

A QUAKER being asked his opinion of phrenology, replied indignantly,
"Friend, there can be no good in a science that compels a man to _take
off_ his hat!"

        CCCLXXIV.--A GOOD-HEARTED FELLOW.

IN a valedictory address an editor wrote: "If we have offended any man
in the short but brilliant course of our public career, let him send us
a _new hat_, and we will then forget the past." A cool chap that!

        CCCLXXV.--EPIGRAM ON THE DEATH OF FOOTE.

    FOOTE, from his earthly stage, alas! is hurled,
    Death _took him off, who took off all_ the world.

        CCCLXXVI.--THE ANGRY OCEAN.

"MOTHER, this book tells about the angry waves of the ocean. Now, what
makes the ocean get angry?"--"Because it has been _crossed_ so often, my
son."

        CCCLXXVII.--BREVITY.

DR. ABERNETHY, the celebrated physician, was never more displeased than
by hearing a patient detail a long account of troubles. A woman, knowing
Abernethy's love of the laconic, having burned her hand, called at his
house. Showing him her hand, she said, "A burn."--"A poultice," quietly
answered the learned doctor. The next day she returned, and said,
"Better."--"Continue the poultice," replied Dr. A. In a week she made
her last call and her speech was lengthened to three words, "Well,--your
fee?"--"Nothing," said the physician; "you are the most sensible woman I
ever saw."

        CCCLXXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

    IF L--d--d--y has a grain of sense,
      He can be only half a lord 'tis clear;
    For from the fact we draw the inference,
      He's that which never has been made _a peer_.

        CCCLXXIX.--A BROAD-BRIM HINT.

A QUAKER said to a gunner, "Friend, I counsel no bloodshed; but if it be
thy design _to hit_ the little man in the blue jacket, point thine
engine three inches lower."

        CCCLXXX.--AN ORDER FOR TWO.

AT the last rehearsal of "Joanna," Mr. Wild, the prompter, asked the
author for an order to admit two friends to the boxes; and whether Mr.
Cumberland was thinking of the probable proceeds of his play, or whether
his anxiety otherwise bewildered him, cannot be ascertained; but he
wrote, instead of the usual "two to the boxes"--"admit _two pounds
two_."

        CCCLXXXI.--EPIGRAM FROM THE ITALIAN.

    HIS hair so black,--his beard so gray,
      'Tis strange! But would you know the cause?
    'Tis that his labors always lay,
      Less on his brain than on his _jaws_.

        CCCLXXXII.--MARRIAGE.

A WIDOWER, having taken another wife, was, nevertheless, always paying
some panegyric to the memory of his late spouse, in the presence of his
present one; who one day added, with great feeling, "Believe me, my
dear, nobody regrets _her loss_ more than I do."

        CCCLXXXIII.--FISHING FOR A COMPLIMENT.

A YOUNG man having preached for the doctor one day, was anxious to get a
word of applause for his labor of love. The grave doctor, however, did
not introduce the subject, and his younger brother was obliged to bait
the hook for him. "I hope, sir, I did not weary your people by the
_length_ of my sermon to-day?"--"No, sir, not at all; nor by the _depth_
either!" The young man was silent.

        CCCLXXXIV.--VISIBLE PROOF.

AN Irishman being asked on a late trial for a certificate of his
marriage, exhibited a _huge scar_ on his head, which looked as though it
might have been made with a fire-shovel. The evidence was satisfactory.

        CCCLXXXV.--SIMPLICITY OF THE LEARNED PORSON.

THE great scholar had a horror of the east wind; and Tom Sheridan once
kept him prisoner in the house for a fortnight by _fixing_ the
weathercock in that direction.

        CCCLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ADDRESSED TO MISS EDGEWORTH.

    WE every-day bards may "Anonymous" sign:
    That refuge, Miss Edgeworth, can never be thine:
    Thy writings, where satire and moral unite,
    Must bring forth the name of their author to light.
    Good and bad join in telling the source of their birth,
    The bad own their _Edge_ and the good own their _worth_.

        CCCLXXXVII.--KEEN REPLY.

A RETIRED vocalist, who had acquired a large fortune by marriage, was
asked to sing in company. "Allow me," said he, "to imitate the
nightingale, which does not sing after it has _made its nest_."

        CCCLXXXVIII.--A GOOD EXAMPLE.

IN the House of Commons, the grand characteristic of the office of the
Speaker is silence; and he fills the place best who best holds his
tongue. There are other _speakers_ in the House (not official) who would
show their sagacity by following the example of their President.

        CCCLXXXIX.--A CERTAINTY.

A PHYSICIAN passing by a stone-mason's shop bawled out, "Good morning,
Mr. D.! Hard at work, I see. You finish your gravestones as far as 'In
the memory of,' and then wait, I suppose, to see who wants a monument
next?"--"Why, yes," replied the old man, "unless somebody's sick, and
_you_ are doctoring him; then I _keep right on_."

        CCCXC.--NOMINAL RHYMES.

THE COURT OF ALDERMEN AT FISHMONGERS' HALL.

    IS that dace or perch?
      Said Alderman Birch;
    I take it for herring,
      Said Alderman Perring.
    This jack's very good,
      Said Alderman Wood;
    But its bones might a man slay,
      Said Alderman Ansley.
    I'll butter what I get,
      Said Alderman Heygate.
    Give me some stewed carp,
      Said Alderman Thorp;
    The roe's dry as pith,
      Said Alder_men_ Smith.
    Don't cut so far down,
      Said Alderman Brown;
    But nearer the fin,
      Said Alderman Glyn.
    I've finished, i'faith, man,
      Said Alderman Waithman:
    And I too, i'fatkins,
      Said Alderman Atkins.
    They've crimped this cod drolly,
      Said Alderman Scholey;
    'T is bruised at the ridges,
      Said Alderman Brydges.
    Was it caught in a drag? Nay,
      Said Alderman Magnay.
    'T was brought by two men,
      Said Alderman Ven-
    ables: Yes, in a box,
      Said Alderman Cox.
    They care not how _fur 'tis_,
      Said Alderman Curtis;
    From air kept, and from sun,
      Said Alderman Thompson;
    Packed neatly in straw,
      Said Alderman Shaw:
    In ice got from Gunter,
      Said Alderman Hunter.
    This ketchup is sour,
      Said Alderman Flower;
    Then steep it in claret,
      Said Alderman Garret.

        CCCXCI.--A BROAD HINT.

CHARLES II. playing at tennis with a dean, who struck the ball well, the
king said, "That's a good stroke for a _dean_."--"I'll give it the
stroke of a _bishop_ if your Majesty pleases," was the suggestive
rejoinder.

        CCCXCII.--VAILS TO SERVANTS.

TO such a height had arrived the custom of giving vails, or
visiting-fees, to servants, in 1762, that Jonas Hanway published upon
the subject eight letters to the Duke of N----, supposed to be the Duke
of Newcastle. Sir Thomas Waldo related to Hanway, that, on leaving the
house of the Duke alluded to, after having feed a train of other
servants, he (Sir Thomas) put a crown into the hand of the cook, who
returned it, saying, "Sir, I do not take _silver_."--"Don't you,
indeed!" said the baronet, putting it into his pocket; "then _I do_."

        CCCXCIII.--QUITE TRUE.

AVARICE is criminal poverty.

        CCCXCIV.--CONGRATULATION TO ONE WHO CURLED HIS HAIR.

    "I'm very glad," to E--b--h said
    His brother exquisite, Macassar Draper,
    "That 'tis the outer product of your head,
    And not the _inner_, you _commit to paper_!"

        CCCXCV.--THE POLITE SCHOLAR.

A SCHOLAR and a courtier meeting in the street, seemed to contest the
wall. Says the courtier, "I do not use to give every _coxcomb_ the
wall." The scholar answered, "But _I do, sir_;" and so passed by him.

        CCCXCVI.--A COOL HAND.

AN old deaf beggar, whom Collins the painter was once engaged in
sketching at Hendon, exhibited great self-possession. Finding, from
certain indications, that the body and garments of this English Edie
Ochiltree afforded a sort of pasture-ground to a herd of many animals
of minute size, he hinted his fears to the old man that he might leave
some of his small body-guard, behind him. "No fear, sir; no fear,"
replied this deaf and venerable vagrant, contemplating the artist with
serious serenity; "I don't think they are any of them likely to leave
_me_ for _you_."

        CCCXCVII.--QUID PRO QUO.

A PHYSICIAN of an acrimonious disposition, and having a thorough hatred
of lawyers, reproached a barrister with the use of phrases utterly
unintelligible. "For example," said he, "I never could understand what
you lawyers mean by docking an entail."--"That is very likely," answered
the lawyer, "but I will explain it to you: it is doing what you doctors
never consent to,--_suffering a recovery_."

        CCCXCVIII.--RECRUITING SERJEANT AND COUNTRYMAN.

A RECRUITING serjeant addressing an honest country bumpkin with,--"Come,
my lad, thou'lt fight for thy King, won't thou?"--"Voight for my King,"
answered Hodge, "why, has he _fawn out_ wi' ony body?"

        CCCXCIX.--AN ANECDOTE.

    E--D--N was asked by one of note,
    Why merit he did not promote;
    "For this good reason," answered he,
    "'Cause _merit ne'er promoted me_."

        CD.--DIDO.

OF this tragedy, the production of Joseph Reed, author of the "Register
Office," Mr. Nicholls, in his "Literary Anecdotes," gives some curious
particulars. He also relates an anecdote of Johnson concerning it: "It
happened that I was in Bolt Court on the day that Henderson, the justly
celebrated actor, was first introduced to Dr. Johnson: and the
conversation turning on dramatic subjects, Henderson asked the Doctor's
opinion of "Dido" and its author. "Sir," said Johnson, "I never did the
man an injury, yet _he would read his tragedy to me_."

        CDI.--EXTREME SIMPLICITY.

A COUNTRYMAN took his seat at a tavern-table opposite to a gentleman who
was indulging in a bottle of wine. Supposing the wine to be common
property, our unsophisticated country friend helped himself to it with
the gentleman's glass. "That's cool!" exclaimed the owner of the wine,
indignantly. "Yes," replied the other; "I should think there was _ice_
in it."

        CDII.--NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH.

DURING a recent representation of King Lear at one of our metropolitan
theatres, an old gentleman from the country, who was visibly affected by
the pathos of some of the scenes, electrified the house by roaring out,
"Mr. Manager! Sir! Alter the play! I didn't pay my money to be made
_wretched_ in this way. Give us something funny, or I'll _summons_ you,
sir!"

        CDIII.--AS YOU LIKE IT.

AN old sea captain used to say he didn't care how he dressed when
abroad, "because _nobody_ knew him." And he didn't care how he dressed
when at home, "because _everybody_ knew him."

        CDIV.--AN UPRIGHT MAN.

ERSKINE was once retained for a Mr. Bolt, whose character was impugned
by Mr. Mingay, the counsel on the other side. "Gentlemen," said Erskine,
in reply, "the plaintiff's counsel has taken unwarrantable liberties
with my client's good name, representing him as litigious and unjust. So
far, however, from this being his character, he goes by the name of
_Bolt upright_."

        CDV.--THE DUKE OF WELLINGTON AND THE AURIST.

ON one occasion the Duke's deafness was alluded to by Lady A----, who
asked if she was sitting on his right side, and if he had benefited by
the operations which she heard had been performed, and had been so
painful to him. He said, in reply, that the gentleman had been bold
enough to ask him for a certificate, but that he had really been of no
service to him, and that he could only answer him by saying, "I tell you
what, I _won't say_ a word about it."

        CDVI.--TRUTH NOT ALWAYS TO BE SPOKEN.

IF a man were to set out calling everything by its right name, he would
be knocked down before he got to the corner of the street.

        CDVII.--ADVERTISEMENT EXTRAORDINARY.

(To those in want of employment.)

    Whoe'er will at the "Gloucester's Head" apply,
    Is always sure to find a _vacancy_.

        CDVIII.--A "DOUBLE TIMES."

A HUGE, double-sheeted copy of the _Times_ newspaper was put into the
hands of a member of the Union Club by one of the waiters. "Oh, what a
bore all this is," said the member, surveying the gigantic journal.
"Ah," answered another member, who overheard him, "it is all very well
for you who are occupied all day with business bore; but to a man living
in the country,--it is equal to a _day's fishing_."

        CDIX.--PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED.

DR. PARR had a high opinion of his own skill at whist, and could not
even patiently tolerate the want of it in his partner. Being engaged
with a party in which he was unequally matched, he was asked by a lady
how the fortune of the game turned, when he replied, "Pretty well,
madam, considering that I have _three_ adversaries."

        CDX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the depth of Lord ---- arguments.)

    YES, in debate we must admit,
      His argument is quite profound;
    His reasoning's _deep_, for _deuce a bit_
      Can anybody _see the ground_.

        CDXI.--A SEASONABLE JOKE.

THEODORE HOOK, being in company, where he said something humorous in
rhyme to every person present, on Mr. Winter, the late Solicitor of
Taxes, being announced, made the following impromptu:--

    Here comes Mr. Winter, collector of taxes,
    I advise you to give him whatever he axes;
    I advise you to give it without any flummery,
    For though his name's _Winter_, his actions are _summary_.

        CDXII.--EPIGRAM.

(On the immortality of ----'s speeches.)

    THY speeches are immortal, O my friend,
    For he that hears them--hears them to _no end_.

        CDXIII.--A CONSIDERATE SON.

A WITCH, being at the stake to be burnt, saw her son there, and desired
him to give her some drink. "No, mother," said he, "it would do you
wrong, for the _drier_ you are, the better you will burn."

        CDXIV.--DANGEROUSLY WELL.

LORD BYRON, in reference to a lady he thought ill of, writes, "Lady ----
has been dangerously ill; but it may console you to learn that she is
_dangerously well_ again."

        CDXV.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord E--nb----h's pericranium.)

    LET none because of its abundant _locks_,
    Deceive themselves by thinking for a minute,
    That dandy E--nb----h's "knowledge-box"
    Has anything worth larceny within it.

        CDXVI.--A NEW SCHOLAR.

A CALIFORNIAN gold digger having become rich, desired a friend to
procure for him a library of books. The friend obeyed, and received a
letter of thanks thus worded: "I am obliged to you for the pains of your
selection. I particularly admire a grand religious poem about Paradise,
by a Mr. Milton, and a set of plays (quite delightful) by a Mr.
Shakespeare. _If these gentlemen should write and publish anything more,
be sure and send me their new works_."

        CDXVII.--PUTTING A STOP TO PILGRIM'S PROGRESS.

JEMMY GORDON, meeting the prosecutor of a felon, named _Pilgrim_, who
was convicted and sentenced to be transported at the Cambridge assizes,
exclaimed, "You have done, sir, what the Pope of Rome could never do;
you have put a stop to _Pilgrim's Progress_!"

        CDXVIII.--EPIGRAM.

      LIFE is a lottery where we find
    That fortune plays full many a prank;
      And when poor ---- got his mind,
    'Twas fortune made him _draw a blank_.

        CDXIX.--A SUDDEN CHANGE.

ONE drinking some beer at a petty ale-house in the country, which was
very strong of the hops and hardly any taste of the malt, was asked by
the landlord, if it was not well hopped. "Yes," answered he, "if it had
hopped a little farther, it would have _hopped into the water_."

        CDXX.--VALUABLE DISCOVERY.

A RECENT philosopher discovered a method to avoid being dunned!
"How--how--how?" we hear everybody asking. He _never_ run in debt.

        CDXXI.--A USEFUL ALLY.

"_Cracked_ China mended!" Zounds, man, off this minute! There's work for
you, or else the deuce is in it!

        CDXXII.--TWO SIDES TO A SPEECH.

CHARLES LAMB sitting next some chattering woman at dinner, observing he
didn't attend to her, "You don't seem," said the lady, "to be at all the
better for what I am saying to you!"--"No, ma'am," he answered, "but
this gentleman on the other side of me must, for it all came in at _one
ear_ and went out at _the other_!"

        CDXXIII.--WILKIE'S SIMPLICITY.

ON the birth of a friend's son (now a well-known novelist), Sir David
Wilkie was requested to become one of the sponsors for his child. Sir
David, whose studies of human nature extended to everything but infant
human nature, had evidently been refreshing his boyish recollections of
puppies and kittens; for, after looking intently into the child's eyes,
as it was held up for his inspection, he exclaimed to the father, with
serious astonishment and satisfaction, "He _sees_!"

        CDXXIV.--RINGING THE CHANGES.

        AT a tavern one night,
        Messrs. _More_, _Strange_, and _Wright_
    Met to drink, and good thoughts to exchange:
        Says More, "Of us three,
        The whole town will agree,
    There is only one knave, and that's _Strange_."
        "Yes," says Strange (rather sore),
        "I'm sure there's one _More_,
    A most terrible knave and a bite,
        Who cheated his mother,
        His sister and brother."--
    "O yes," replied More, "that is _Wright_."

        CDXXV.--KNOWING HIS MAN.

A MAN was brought before Lord Mansfield, charged with stealing a silver
ladle, and the counsel for the crown was rather severe upon the prisoner
for being an attorney. "Come, come," said his lordship, "don't
exaggerate matters; if the fellow had been an _attorney_, he would have
_stolen the bowl_ as well as the ladle."

        CDXXVI.--A SMALL GLASS.

THE manager of a Scotch theatre, at which F.G. Cooke was playing
_Macbeth_, seeing him greatly exhausted towards the close of the
performance, offered him some whiskey in a very small thistle-glass,
saying at the same time, by way of encouragement, "Take that, Mr. Cooke;
take that, sir; it is the real mountain dew; that will never hurt you,
sir!"--"_Not if it was vitriol_!" was the rejoinder.

        CDXXVII.--DOMESTIC ECONOMY.

THE following bill of fare (which consists of a dish of fish, a joint of
meat, a couple of fowls, vegetables, and a pudding, being in all seven
dishes for sevenpence!) had its rise in an invitation which a _young_
lady of forty-seven sent to her lover to dine with her on Christmas Day.
To unite taste and economy is no easy thing; but to show her lover she
had learned that difficult art, she gave him the following dinner:--

                                            £  s. d.
  At top, fish, two herrings                0  0  1
  Middle, one ounce and a half of butter,
  melted                                    0  0  0-3/4
  Bottom, a mutton chop, divided            0  0  2
  On one side, one pound of small potatoes  0  0  0-1/2
  On the other side, pickled cabbage        0  0  0-1/2
  First remove, two larks, plenty of crumbs 0  0  1-1/2
  Mutton removed, French-roll boiled for a
  pudding                                   0  0  0-1/2
  Parsley for garnish                       0  0  0-1/4
                                            ----------
                                           £0  0  7

--Seven dishes for sevenpence!

        CDXXVIII.--AN EMPTY HEAD.

OF a light, frivolous, flighty girl, whom Jerrold met frequently, he
said, "That girl has no more head than a periwinkle."

        CDXXIX.--A BAD LABEL.

TOM bought a gallon of gin to take home; and, by way of a label, wrote
his name upon a card, which happened to be the seven of clubs, and tied
it to the handle. A friend coming along, and observing the jug, quietly
remarked: "That's an awful careless way to leave that liquor!"--"Why?"
said Tom. "Because somebody might come along with the _eight_ of clubs
and take it!"

        CDXXX.--"AYE! THERE'S THE RUB."

A GENTLEMAN, playing at piquet, was much teased by a looker-on who was
short-sighted, and, having a very long nose, greatly incommoded the
player. To get rid of the annoyance, the player took out his
handkerchief, and applied it to the nose of his officious neighbor. "Ah!
sir," said he, "I beg your pardon, but I really took it for _my own_."

        CDXXXI.--MORAL EQUALITY OF MAN.

ALL honest men, whether counts or cobblers, are of the same rank, if
classed by moral distinctions.

        CDXXXII.--A SILK GOWN.

GRATTAN said of Hussey Burgh, who had been a great Liberal, but, on
getting his silk gown, became a Ministerialist, that all men knew silk
to be a non-conducting body, and that since the honorable member had
been enveloped _in silk_, no spark of _patriotism_ had reached his
heart.

        CDXXXIII.--EPIGRAM BY A PLUCKED MAN.

EVERY Cantab, it is presumed, knows where Shelford Fen is, and that it
is famous for rearing geese. A luckless wight, who had the misfortune to
be _plucked_ at his examination for the degree of B.A., when the Rev. T.
Shelford was his examiner, made the following extemporaneous epigram:--

    "I have heard they _plucked_ geese upon _Shelford_ Fen,
    But never till now knew that _Shelford_ plucked men."

        CDXXXIV.--THE MEASURE OF A BRAIN.

ONE afternoon, when Jerrold was in his garden at Putney, enjoying a
glass of claret, a friend called upon him. The conversation ran on a
certain dull fellow, whose wealth made him prominent at that time.

"Yes," said Jerrold, drawing his finger round the edge of his wineglass,
"that's the range of his intellect, only it had never anything half so
good in it."

        CDXXXV.--FOOTE AND LORD TOWNSEND.

FOOTE, dining one day with Lord Townsend, after his duel with Lord
Bellamont, the wine being bad, and the dinner ill-dressed, made Foote
observe, that he could not discover what reason could compel his
lordship to fight, when he might have effected his purpose with much
more ease to himself. "How?" asked his lordship. "How?" replied the wit,
"why you should have given him a _dinner_ like this, and _poisoned
him_."

        CDXXXVI.--UNREASONABLE.

"TOM," said a colonel to one of his men, "how can so good and brave a
soldier as you get drunk so often?"--"Colonel," replied he, "how can you
expect all the _virtues_ that adorn the human character for _sixpence_
a-day?"

        CDXXXVII.--AN HONEST WARRANTY.

A GENTLEMAN once bought a horse of a country-dealer. The bargain
concluded, and the money paid, the gentleman said, "Now, my friend, I
have bought your horse, what are his faults?"--"I know of no faults that
he has, except two," replied the man; "and _one_ is, that he is hard to
catch."--"Oh! never mind that," said the buyer, "I will contrive to
catch him at any time, I will engage; but what is the other?"--"Ah, sir!
that is the worst," answered the fellow; "he is good for nothing when
you _have_ caught him."

        CDXXXVIII.--THE REASON WHY.

A MAN said the only reason why his dwelling was not blown away in a late
storm was, because there was a _heavy mortgage_ on it.

        CDXXXIX.--BLOTTING IT OUT.

MATHEWS'S attendant, in his last illness, intending to give him his
medicine, gave in mistake some ink from a phial on a shelf. On
discovering the error, his friend exclaimed, "Good heavens! Mathews, I
have given you ink."--"Never--never mind, my boy--never mind," said
Mathews, faintly, "I'll swallow a bit--of _blotting-paper_."

        CDXL.--CLERICAL WIT.

AN old gentleman of eighty-four having taken to the altar a young damsel
of about sixteen, the clergyman said to him, "The _font_ is at the other
end of the church."--"What do I want with the font?" said the old
gentleman. "Oh! I beg your pardon," said the clerical wit, "I thought
you had brought _this child to be christened_."

        CDXLI.--A NICE DISTINCTION.

NED SHUTER thus explained his reasons for preferring to wear stockings
with holes to having them darned:--"A hole," said he, "may be the
_accident_ of a day, and will pass upon the best gentleman, but _a darn_
is premeditated poverty."

        CDXLII.--WIT AND QUACKERY.

A CELEBRATED quack, while holding forth on a stage of Chelmsford, in
order to promote the sale of his medicine, told the people that he came
there for their good, and not for want. And then addressing his Merry
Andrew, "Andrew," said he, "do we come here _for want_?"--"No faith,
sir," replied Andrew, "we have _enough_ of that at home."

        CDXLIII.--WIT DEFINED.

DRYDEN'S description of wit is excellent. He says:--

    "A thousand different shapes wit wears,
    Comely in thousand shapes appears;
    'Tis not a tale, 'tis not a jest,
    Admired with laughter at a feast;
    Nor florid talk, which can this title gain,--
    The proofs of wit for ever must remain."

        CDXLIV.--A VAIN SEARCH.

SIR FRANCIS BLAKE DELAVAL'S death had such an effect on Foote that he
burst into tears, retired to his room, and saw no company for two days;
the third day, Jewel, his treasurer, calling in upon him, he asked him,
with swollen eyes, what time would the burial be? "Not till next week,
sir," replied the other, "as I hear the surgeons are first to dissect
his head." This last word restored Foote's fancy, and, repeating it with
some surprise, he asked, "And what will they get there? I am sure I have
known poor Frank these five-and-twenty years, and I never could find
anything in it."

        CDXLV.--A BAD CUSTOMER.

"WE don't sell spirits," said a law-evading beer-seller; "we will give
you a glass; and then, if you want a biscuit, we'll sell it to you for
three ha'pence." The "good creature" was handed down, a stiff glass
swallowed, and the landlord handed his customer a biscuit. "Well, no, I
think not," said the customer; "you sell 'em too dear. I can get lots of
'em _five or six_ for a penny anywhere else."

        CDXLVI.--A REFLECTION.

AN overbearing barrister, endeavoring to brow-beat a witness, told him
he could plainly see a _rogue_ in his face. "I never knew till now,"
said the witness, "that my _face_ was a _looking-glass_."

        CDXLVII.--FOOTE.

AN artist named Forfeit, having some job to do for Foote, got into a
foolish scrape about _the antiquity of family_ with another artist, who
gave him such a drubbing as confined him to his bed for a considerable
time. "Forfeit! Forfeit!" said Foote, "why, surely you have the best of
the argument; your family is not only _several thousand years old_, but
at the same time _the most numerous_ of any on the face of the globe, on
the authority of Shakespeare:--

    "All the souls that are, were _Forfeit_ once."

        CDXLVIII.--INQUEST EXTRAORDINARY.

    DIED from fatigue, three laundresses together all,
    Verdict,--had tried to wash a shirt marked Wetherall.[A]

[A] Sir Charles Wetherall was noted for want of cleanliness.

        CDXLIX.--A BASE ONE.

A FRIEND was one day reading to Jerrold an account of a case in which a
person named Ure was reproached with having suddenly jilted a young lady
to whom he was engaged. "Ure seems to have turned out to be a _base
'un_," said Jerrold.

        CDL.--PROFITABLE JUGGLING.

A PROFESSOR of legerdemain entertained an audience in a village, which
was principally composed of colliers. After "astonishing the natives"
with various tricks, he asked the loan of a halfpenny. A collier, with a
little hesitation, handed out the coin, which the juggler speedily
exhibited, as he said, transformed into a sovereign. "An' is that my
bawbee?" exclaimed the collier. "Undoubtedly," answered the juggler.
"Let's see 't," said the collier; and turning it round and round with an
ecstasy of delight, thanked the juggler for his kindness, and putting it
into his pocket, said, "I'se war'nt ye'll _no turn't_ into a bawbee
again."

        CDLI.--PICKPOCKETING.

THE Baron de Béranger relates, that, having secured a pickpocket in the
very act of irregular abstraction, he took the liberty of inquiring
whether there was anything in his face that had procured him the honor
of being singled out for such an attempt. "Why, sir," said the fellow,
"your face is well enough, but you had on thin shoes and white stockings
in dirty weather, and so I made sure you were a _flat_."

        CDLII.--DUNNING AND LORD THURLOW.

WHEN it was the custom for barristers to leave chambers early, and to
finish their evenings at the coffee-houses in the neighborhood of the
inns of court, Lord Thurlow on some occasion wanted to see Dunning
privately. He went to the coffee-house frequented by him, and asked a
waiter if Mr. Dunning was there. The waiter, who was new in his place,
said he did not know him. "Not know him!" exclaimed Thurlow, with his
usual oaths; "go into the room up stairs, and if you see any gentleman
_like the knave of clubs_, tell him he is particularly wanted." The
waiter went up, and forthwith reappeared followed by Dunning.

        CDLIII.--AFFECTATION.

    DELIA is twenty-two, and yet so weak,
    Poor thing, she's learning still to walk and speak.

        CDLIV.--WARM FRIENDSHIPS.

SOME people were talking with Jerrold about a gentleman as celebrated
for the intensity as for the shortness of his friendships.

"Yes," said Jerrold, "his friendships are so warm that he no sooner
takes them up than he puts them down again."

        CDLV.--THEATRICAL MISTAKES.

A LAUGHABLE blunder was made by Mrs. Gibbs, at Covent Garden Theatre, in
the season of 1823, in the part of _Miss Stirling_, in "The Clandestine
Marriage." When speaking of the conduct of _Betty_, who had locked the
door of _Miss Fanny's_ room, and walked away with the key, Mrs. G. said,
"_She had locked the key, and carried away the door in her pocket_."
Mrs. Davenport, as _Mrs. Heidelberg_, had previously excited a hearty
laugh, by substituting for the original dialogue, "_I protest there's a
candle coming along the gallery with a man in his hand_;" but the
mistake by Mrs. Gibbs seemed to be so unintentional, so unpremeditated,
that the effect was irresistible; and the audience, celebrated the joke
with three rounds of applause.

        CDLVI.--A BROKEN HEAD.

"I AM the only man in Europe, sir," said the Colonel, "that ever had a
broken head,--to live after it. I was hunting near my place in
Yorkshire; my horse threw me, and I was pitched, head-foremost, upon a
scythe which had been left upon the ground. When I was taken up my head
was found to be literally cut in two, and was spread over my shoulders
like a pair of epaulettes. _That_ was a broken head, if you please,
sir."

        CDLVII.--CALEDONIAN COMFORT.

TWO pedestrian travellers, natives of the North, had taken up their
quarters for the night at a _Highland hotel_ in Breadalbane: one of them
next morning complained to his friend that he had a very indifferent
bed, and asked him how he had slept. "Troth, man," replied Donald, "nea
vera well, either; but I was muckle better aff than the _bugs_, for
de'il ane of them closed an e'e the hale night!"

        CDLVIII.--AN ODD FAMILY.

BLAYNEY said, in reference to several persons, all relations to each
other, but who happened to have no descendants, that "it seemed to be
_hereditary_ in their family to have no children."

        CDLIX.--A LAWYER'S OPINION OF LAW.

COUNSELLOR M----T, after he retired from practice, being one day in
company where the uncertainty of the law became the topic of
conversation, was applied to for his opinion, upon which he laconically
observed, "If any man were to claim the _coat_ upon my back, and
threaten my refusal with a lawsuit, he should certainly have it, lest in
defending my _coat_ I should too late find that I was deprived of my
_waistcoat_ also."

        CDLX.--BEN JONSON.

WHEN the Archbishop of York sent him from his table an excellent dish of
fish, but without drink, said:--

    "In a dish came fish
    From the arch-bis-
    Hop was not there,
    Because there was no _beer_."

        CDLXI.--UNREMITTING KINDNESS.

"CALL that a kind man," said an actor, speaking of an absent
acquaintance; "a man who is away from his family, and never sends them a
farthing! Call that kindness?"

"Yes, unremitting kindness," Jerrold replied.

        CDLXII.--KEAN'S IMPROMPTU.

AT Birmingham, one of Kean's "benefits" was a total failure. In the last
scene of the play ("A New Way to pay Old Debts"), wherein allusion is
made to the marriage of a lady, "Take her, sir," Kean suddenly added,
"and the Birmingham _audience_ into the bargain."

        CDLXIII.--A TRUTH FOR THE LADIES.

A LEARNED doctor has given his opinion that tight lacing is a public
benefit, inasmuch as it _kills off_ all the foolish girls, and leaves
the wise only to grow into women.

        CDLXIV.--A MARK OF RESPECT.

CONGREVE was disputing a point of fact with a man of a very positive
disposition, but one who was not overburdened with sense. The latter
said to him, "If the fact is not as I have stated, I'll give you my
head."--"I accept it," said Congreve; "for _trifles_ show respect."

        CDLXV.--A GRETNA CUSTOMER.

A RUNAWAY couple were married at Gretna Green. The smith demanded five
guineas for his services. "How is this?" said the bridegroom, "the
gentleman you last married assured me that he only gave you a
guinea."--"True," said the smith, "but _he_ was an Irishman. I have
married him six times. _He is a good customer_, and _you_ I may never
see again."

        CDLXVI.--LEAVING HIS VERDICT.

"I REMEMBER," says Lord Biden, "Mr. Justice Gould trying a case at York,
and when he had proceeded for about two hours, he observed, 'Here are
only eleven jurymen in the box, where is the twelfth?'--'Please you, my
lord,' said one of the eleven, 'he has gone away about some other
business--but _he has left his verdict with me_!'"

        CDLXVII.--OVER-WISE.

IN a lecture-room of St. John's College, Cambridge, a student one
morning, construing the Medea of Euripides came to the following
passage:--

    [Greek: All ouk arisophos eimi.]

To which he gave the proper sense,--

    "I am not _over-wise_;"

but pausing as if he doubted its correctness,--"_You_ are quite right,
sir," observed the lecturer; "go on."

        CDLXVIII.--IMPROMPTU.

    'TIS said that walls have ears; if this be true,
    St Stephen's walls the gift must often rue.

        CDLXIX.--INDEPENDENCE.

JEMMY GORDON, the Cambridge eccentric, when he happened to be without
shoes or stockings, one day came in contact with a person of very
indifferent character. The gentleman, pitying his condition, told him,
if he called at his house, he would give him a pair of shoes. "Excuse
me, sir," replied Jemmy, assuming a contemptuous air, "I would not stand
in _your shoes_ for all the world!"

        CDLXX.--ON PRIDE.

    FITSMALL, who drinks with knights and lords,
      To steal a share of notoriety,
    Will tell you in important words,
      He _mixes_ in the best society.

        CDLXXI.--BLACK LETTER.

AN old friend of Charles Lamb having been in vain trying to make out a
black-letter text of Chaucer in the Temple Library, laid down the
precious volume, and with an erudite look told Lamb that "in those old
books, Charley, there is sometimes a deal of very _indifferent
spelling_."

        CDLXXII.--A HIATUS.

"DID you not on going down find a _party_ in your kitchen?" asked an
underbred barrister of a witness. "A _tea-party_, Mr. ----?" mildly
interposed Judge Maule.

        CDLXXIII.--A REASONABLE REQUEST.

AN officer advising his general to capture a post, said: "It will only
cost a few men."--"Will _you_ make one of the few?" remarked the
general.

        CDLXXIV.--A STRIKING POINT.

WHEN Mr. Gulley, the ex-pugilist, was elected Member for Pontefract,
Gilbert A'Beckett said: "Should any opposition be manifested in the
House of Commons towards Mr. Gulley, it is very probable the _noes_
(_nose_) will have it."

        CDLXXV.--VERY PRETTY.

ONE day, just as an English officer had arrived at Vienna, the empress
knowing that he had seen a certain princess much celebrated for her
beauty, asked him if it was really true that she was the most beautiful
woman he had ever seen. "I thought so _yesterday_," he replied.

        CDLXXVI.--AN ODD BIRD.

A LATE Duke of Norfolk had a fancy for owls, of which he kept several.
He called one, from the resemblance to the Chancellor, Lord Thurlow. The
duke's solicitor was once in conversation with his grace, when, to his
surprise, the owl-keeper came up and said, "Please you, my lord, Lord
Thurlow's _laid an egg_."

        CDLXXVII.--INQUESTS EXTRAORDINARY.

    FOUND dead, a rat--no case could sure be harder;
    Verdict--Confined a week in Eldon's larder.
    Died, Sir Charles Wetherall's laundress, honest Sue;
    Verdict--Ennui--so little work to do.

        CDLXXVIII.--"I'VE DONE THE SAME THING OFTEN."

A MR. JOHN SMITH, who is described, evidently not without reason, as a
"fast" talker, gave the following description of the blowing up of a
steamboat on the Mississippi: "I had landed at Helena for a minute to
drop some letters into the post-office, when all of a sudden I heard a
tremendous explosion, and, looking up, saw that the sky was for a minute
darkened with arms, legs, and other small bits and scraps of my
fellow-travellers. Amongst an uncommonly ugly medley, I spied the second
clerk, about one hundred and fifty feet above my own level. I recognized
him at once, for ten minutes before I had been sucking a sherry-cobbler
with him out of the same rummer. Well, I watched him. He came down
through the roof of a shoemaker's shop, and landed on the floor close by
the shoemaker, who was at work. The clerk, being in a hurry, jumped up
to go to the assistance of the other sufferers, when the 'man of wax'
demanded five hundred dollars for the damage done to his roof. 'Too
high,' replied the clerk; 'never paid more than two hundred and fifty
dollars in my life, _and I've done the same thing often_.'"

        CDLXXIX.--CONFIDENCE.

"WHY," said a country clergyman to one of his flock, "do you always
sleep in your pew when I am in the pulpit, while you are all attention
to every stranger I invite?"--"Because, sir," was the reply, "when _you_
preach I'm sure all's right, but I can't trust _a stranger_ without
keeping a good look-out."

        CDLXXX.--THE CUT INFERNAL.

    SAID Wetherall the other night
      Of ----: "He's the silliest elf
    I ever _knew_." Sir Charles was right,
      For no one ever _knows himself_.

        CDLXXXI.--FEELING HIS WAY.

"UNCLE," said a young man (who thought that his guardian supplied him
rather sparingly with pocket-money), "is the Queen's head _still_ on
the sovereign?"--"Of course it is, you stupid lad! Why do you ask
that?"--"Because it is now such a length of time since _I saw one_."

        CDLXXXII.--THE WILL.

    JERRY dying intestate, his relatives claimed,
    Whilst his widow most vilely his mem'ry defam'd:
    "What!" cries she, "must I suffer because the old knave
    Without leaving a will, is laid snug in the grave?"
    "That's no wonder," says one, "for 'tis very well known,
    Since he married, poor man, he'd _no will of his own_."

        CDLXXXIII.--INGENUOUSNESS.

TWO young officers, after a mess-dinner, had very much ridiculed their
general. He sent for them, and asked them if what was reported to him
was true. "General," said one of them, "_it is_; and we should have said
much more if our _wine_ had not failed."

        CDLXXXIV.--A NEW SPORT.

QUIN thought angling a very barbarous diversion; and on being asked why,
gave this reason: "Suppose some superior being should bait a hook with
venison, and go a-_Quinning_, I should certainly bite; and what a sight
should I be dangling in the air!"

        CDLXXXV.--SYDNEY SMITH.

SYDNEY SMITH was once dining in company with a French gentleman, who had
been before dinner indulging in a number of free-thinking speculations,
and had ended by avowing himself a materialist. "Very good soup, this,"
said Mr. Smith. "_Oui, monsieur, c'est excellente_," was the reply.
"Pray, sir, do you _believe_ in a _cook_?" inquired Mr. Smith.

        CDLXXXVI.--EPIGRAM ON THE DUKE OF ----'S CONSISTENCY.

    THAT he's ne'er known to change his mind,
      Is surely nothing strange;
    For no one yet could ever find
      He'd any mind to change.

        CDLXXXVII.--A FAIR PROPOSAL.

"WHY don't you take off your hat?" said Lord F---- to a boy struggling
with a calf. "So I wull, sir," replied the lad; "if your lordship will
_hold_ my calf, I'll pull off my hat."

        CDLXXXVIII.--A DOUBTFUL CREED.

JUDGE MAULE, in summing up a case of libel, and speaking of a defendant
who had exhibited a spiteful piety, observed, "One of these defendants,
Mr. Blank, is, it seems, a minister of religion--of _what_ religion does
not appear, but, to judge by his conduct, it cannot be any form of
Christianity." Severe.

        CDLXXXIX.--A SATISFACTORY TOTAL.

A SCOTCH Minister, after a hard day's labor, and while at a "denner
tea," as he called it, kept incessantly praising the "haam," and stating
that "Mrs. Dunlop at hame was as fond o' haam like that as he was," when
the mistress kindly offered to send her the present of a ham. "It's unco
kin' o' ye, unco kin', but I'll no pit ye to the trouble; I'll just tak'
it hame on the horse afore me." When, on leaving, he mounted, and the
ham was put into a sack, but some difficulty was experienced in getting
it to lie properly. His inventive genius soon cut the Gordian-knot. "I
think, mistress, _a cheese_ in the ither en' wad mak' _a gran'
balance_." The hint was immediately acted on, and, like another John
Gilpin, he moved away with his "balance true."

        CDXC.--GOOD RIDDANCE.

A CERTAIN well-known provincial bore having left a tavern-party, of
which Burns was one, the bard immediately demanded a bumper, and,
addressing himself to the chairman, said, "I give you the health,
gentlemen all, of the _waiter_ that called my Lord ---- out of the
room."

        CDXCI.--CALCULATION.

    SAYS Giles, "My wife and I are _two_,
      Yet, faith, I know not why, sir."
    Quoth Jack, "You're _ten_, if I speak true;
      She 's _one_ and you're a _cipher_."

        CDXCII.--GEORGE II. AND THE RECORDER.

WHEN that vacancy happened on the Exchequer Bench which was afterwards
filled by Mr. Adams, the Ministry could not agree among themselves whom
to appoint. It was debated in Council, the King, George II., being
present; till, the dispute growing very warm, his Majesty put an end to
the contest by calling out, in broken English, "I will have none of
dese, give me the man wid de _dying speech_," meaning Mr. Adams, who was
then Recorder of London, and whose business it therefore was to make the
report to his Majesty of the convicts under sentence of death.

        CDXCIII.--SLEEPING ROUND.

THE celebrated Quin had this faculty. "What sort of a morning is it,
John?"--"Very wet, sir."--"Any mullet in the market?"--"No,
sir."--"Then, John, you may call me this time to-morrow." So saying, he
composed himself to sleep, and got rid of the _ennui_ of a dull day.

        CDXCIV.--AT HIS FINGERS' ENDS.

"I SUPPOSE," said a quack, while feeling the pulse of his patient, "that
you think me a _humbug_?"--"Sir," replied the sick man, "I perceive that
you can _discover_ a man's thoughts by your touch."

        CDXCV.--NOT SO EASY.

A CERTAIN learned serjeant, who is apt to be testy in argument, was
advised by the Court not to _show temper_, but to _show cause_.

        CDXCVI.--A POINT.

POPE was one evening at Button's coffee-house, where he and a set of
literati had got poring over a Latin manuscript, in which they had found
a passage that none of them could comprehend. A young officer, who heard
their conference, begged that he might be permitted to look at the
passage. "Oh," says Pope, sarcastically, "by all means; pray let the
young gentleman look at it." Upon which the officer took up the
manuscript, and, considering it a while, said there only wanted a note
of interrogation to make the whole intelligible: which was really the
case. "And pray, master," says Pope, with a sneer, "what is a _note of
interrogation_?"--"A note of interrogation," replied the young fellow,
with a look of great contempt, "is a little _crooked thing_ that asks
questions."

        CDXCVII.--THE REPUBLIC OF LEARNING.

ONE asked another why learning was always called a republic. "Forsooth,"
quoth the other, "because scholars are _so poor_ that they have _not a
sovereign_ amongst them."

        CDXCVIII.--CHALLENGING A JURY.

AN Irish fire-eater, previous to a trial in which he was the defendant,
was informed by his counsel, that if there were any of the jury to whom
he objected, he might legally _challenge_ them. "Faith, and so I will,"
replied he; "if they do not acquit me I will _challenge_ every man of
them."

        CDXCIX.--WALPOLIANA.

WHEN Mr. Naylor's father married his second wife, Naylor said, "Father,
they say you are to be married to-day; are you?"--"Well," replied the
Bishop, "and what is that to you?"--"Nay, nothing; only if you had told
me, I would have _powdered_ my hair."

A tutor at Cambridge had been examining some lads in Latin; but in a
little while excused himself, and said he must speak English, for his
mouth was _very sore_.

After going out of the Commons, and fighting a duel with Mr. Chetwynd,
whom he wounded, "my uncle" (says Walpole) "returned to the House, and
was so little moved as to speak immediately upon the _cambric bill_;"
which made Swinny say, that "it was a sign he was not _ruffled_."

        D.--MINDING HIS BUSINESS.

MURPHY was asked how it was so difficult to waken him in the morning:
"Indeed, master, it's because of taking your own advice, always to
attind to what I'm about; so whenever I _sleeps_, I pays _attintion_ to
it."

        DI.--PENCE TABLE.

A SCHOOLBOY going into the village without leave, his master called
after him, "Where are you going, sir?"--"I am going to buy a ha'porth of
nails."--"What do you want a ha'porth of nails for?"--"For a
_halfpenny_," replied the urchin.

        DII.--SATISFACTION.

LORD WILLIAM POULAT was said to be the author of a pamphlet called "The
Snake in the Grass." A gentleman abused in it sent him a challenge. Lord
William protested his innocence, but the gentleman insisted upon a
denial under his own hand. Lord William took a pen and began: "This is
to scratify that the buk called 'The Snak'"--"Oh! my Lord," said the
person, "I am satisfied; your Lordship has already convinced me _you did
not_ write the book."

        DIII.--A SAFE APPEAL.

A PHYSICIAN once defended himself from raillery by saying, "I defy any
person whom I ever attended, to accuse me of ignorance or
neglect."--"That you may do safely," replied an auditor, "for you know,
doctor, _dead_ men tell no tales."

        DIV.--A CAUTIOUS LOVER.

"WHEN I courted her," said Spreadweasel, "I took lawyer's advice, and
signed every letter to my love,--'Yours, without prejudice!'"--D.J.

        DV.--THE SWORD AND THE SCABBARD.

A WAG, on seeing his friend with something under his cloak, asked him
what it was. "A poniard," answered he; but he observed that it was a
bottle: taking it from him, and drinking the contents, he returned it,
saying, "There, I give you the _scabbard_ back again."

        DVI.--TOUCHING.

WHEN Lord Eldon resigned the Great Seal, a small barrister said, "To me
his loss is irreparable. Lord Eldon always behaved to me like _a
father_."--"Yes," remarked Brougham, "I understand he always treated you
like _a child_."

        DVII.--THE COLLEGE BELL!

AT a party of college grandees, one of the big-wigs proposed that each
gentleman should toast his favorite _Belle_. When it came to the turn of
Dr. Barrett (who happened to be one of the _quorum_) to be called on for
the name of the fair object of his admiration, he very facetiously gave,
"The College Bell!" _Vivat Collegium Sancti Petri_!

        DVIII.--FRENCH LANGUAGE.

WHEN some one was expatiating on the merits of the French language to
Mr. Canning, he exclaimed: "Why, what on earth, sir, can be expected of
a language which has but one word for _liking_ and _loving_, and puts a
fine woman and a leg of mutton on a par:--_J'aime Julie; J'aime un
gigot_!"

        DIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the alleged disinterestedness of a certain Prelate.)

    HE says he don't think of himself,
      And I'm to believe him inclined;
    For by the confession, the elf
      Admits that he's _out_ of his _mind_.

        DX.--CERTAINLY NOT ASLEEP.

A COUNTRY schoolmaster had two pupils, to one of whom he was partial,
and to the other severe. One morning it happened that these two boys
were late, and were called up to account for it. "You must have heard
the bell, boys; why did you not come?"--"Please, sir," said the
favorite, "I was dreaming that I was going to Margate, and I thought the
school-bell was the steamboat-bell."--"Very well," said the master, glad
of any pretext to excuse his favorite. "And now, sir," turning to the
other, "what have you to say?"--"Please, sir," said the puzzled boy,
"_I--I--was waiting to see Tom off_!"

        DXI.--ANTICIPATION.

LORD AVONDALE, Chief Baron of the Exchequer, was much given to
anticipation. A lawyer once observed in his presence, "Coming through
the market just now I saw a butcher, with his knife, going to kill a
calf; at that moment a child ran across him, and he killed ----" "O, my
goodness!--he killed _the child_!" exclaimed his lordship. "No, my lord,
_the calf_; but you will always anticipate."

        DXII.--THE BEST JUDGE.

A LADY said to her husband, in Jerrold's presence:--

"My dear, you certainly want some new trousers."--"No, I think not,"
replied the husband.

"Well," Jerrold interposed, "I think the lady who always wears them
ought to know."

        DXIII.--THE RIVALS.

A GOOD story of Gibbon is told in the last volume of Moore's Memoirs.
The _dramatis personæ_ were Lady Elizabeth Foster, Gibbon the historian,
and an eminent French physician,--the historian and doctor being rivals
in courting the lady's favor. Impatient at Gibbon's occupying so much of
her attention by his conversation, the doctor said crossly to him,
"_Quand milady Elizabeth Foster sera malade de vos fadaises, je la
guérirai_." [When my Lady Elizabeth Foster is made ill by your twaddle,
I will cure her.] On which Gibbon, drawing himself up grandly, and
looking disdainfully at the physician, replied, "_Quand milady Elizabeth
Foster sera morte de vos recettes, je l'im-mor-taliserai_." [When my
Lady Elizabeth Foster is dead from your recipes I will immortalize her.]

        DXIV.--DEAD LANGUAGE.

AMONG the many English who visited Paris in 1815 was Alderman Wood, who
had previously filled the office of Lord Mayor of London. He ordered a
hundred visiting cards, inscribing upon them. "Alderman Wood, _feu Lord
Maire de Londres_," which he distributed amongst people of rank, having
translated the word "late" into "_feu_," which we need hardly state
means "dead."

        DXV.--WALPOLIANA.

SIR JOHN GERMAIN was so ignorant, that he is said to have left a legacy
to Sir Matthew Decker, as the _author_ of St. Matthew's Gospel.

Churchill (General C----, a natural son of the Marlborough family) asked
Pulteney the other day, "Well, Mr. Pulteney, will you break me,
too?"--"No, Charles," replied he, "_you break_ fast enough of yourself!"
Don't you think it hurt him more than the other breaking would?

Walpole was plagued one morning with that oaf of unlicked antiquity,
Prideaux, and his great boy. He talked through all Italy, and everything
in all Italy. Upon mentioning Stosch, Walpole asked if he had seen his
collection. He replied, very few of his things, for he did not like his
company; that he never heard so much _heathenish talk_ in his days.
Walpole inquired what it was, and found that Stosch had one day said
before him, _that the soul was only a little glue_.

        DXVI.--A SLIGHT DIFFERENCE.

A CLERGYMAN, who had to preach before Archbishop Whately, begged to be
let off, saying, "I hope your Grace will excuse my preaching next
Sunday."--"Certainly," said the other indulgently. Sunday came, and the
archbishop said to him, "Well! Mr. ----, what became of you? we expected
you to preach to-day."--"Oh, your Grace said you would excuse my
preaching to-day."--"Exactly; but I did not say I would excuse you
_from_ preaching."

        DXVII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Mr. Croker's reputation for being a wag.)

    THEY say his _wit's refined_! Thus is explained
    The seeming mystery--_his wit is strained_.

        DXVIII.--A NICE DISTINCTION.

"WHAT is the difference," asked Archbishop Whately of a young clergyman
he was examining, "between a form and a ceremony? The meaning seems
nearly the same; yet there is a very nice distinction." Various answers
were given. "Well," he said, "it lies in this: you sit upon a _form_,
but you stand upon _ceremony_."

        DXIX.--LATE DINNER.

SOME one remarking that the dinner hour was always getting later and
later, "Ay," quoth Rogers, "it will soon end in our not dining till
_to-morrow_."

        DXX.--AN OLD JOKE.

    AS a wag at a ball, to a nymph on each arm
    Alternately turning, and thinking to charm,
    Exclaimed in these words, of which Quin was the giver--
    "You're my Gizzard, my dear; and, my love, you're my Liver."
    "Alas!" cried the Fair on his left--"to what use?
    For you never saw _either served up_ with a goose!"

        DXXI.--TIME WORKS WONDERS.

A GENTLEMAN dining at a hotel, whose servants were "few and far
between," despatched a lad among them for a cut of beef. After a long
time the lad returned, and was asked by the faint and hungry gentleman,
"Are you the lad who took away my plate for this beef?"--"Yes,
sir."--"Bless me," resumed the hungry wit, "how _you have grown_!"

        DXXII.--A NOVEL IDEA.

"MORROW'S Library" is the Mudie of Dublin; and the Rev. Mr. Day, a
popular preacher. "How inconsistent," said Archbishop Whately, "is the
piety of certain ladies here. They go to _Day_ for a sermon and to
_Morrow_ for a novel!"

        DXXIII.--THE SPIRIT AND THE LETTER.

A MAN was described in a plea as "I. Jones," and the pleader referred
in another part of the plea to "I" as an "initial." The plaintiff said
that the plea was bad, because "I" was not a name. Sir W. Maule said
that there was no reason why a man might not be christened "I" as well
as Isaac, inasmuch as either could be pronounced alone. The counsel for
the plaintiff then objected that the plea admitted that "I" was not a
name by describing it as "an initial."--"Yes," retorted the judge, "but
it does not aver that it is not a _final_ as well as an _initial_
letter."

        DXXIV.--LOSING AN I.

A MAN being interrogated on a trial, spoke several words with much
impropriety; and at last saying the word _curosity_, a counsellor
exclaimed, "How that fellow murders the English language!"--"Nay,"
returned another, "he has only knocked an _I_ out."

        DXXV.--DRIVING IT HOME.

THE late James Fergusson, Clerk of Session, a most genial and amiable
man, of whose periodical fits of absence most edifying stories are still
repeated by his friends, was an excellent and eloquent speaker, but in
truth, there was often more sound than matter in his orations. He had a
habit of lending emphasis to his arguments by violently beating with his
clenched hand the bar before which he pleaded. Once when stating a case
to Lord Polkemmet, with great energy of action, his lordship interposed,
and exclaimed, "Maister Jemmy, dinna dunt; ye think ye're duntin't
_into_ me, and ye're just duntin't _out o' me_."

        DXXVI.--THE EMPTY GUN.

    AS Dick and Tom in fierce dispute engage,
    And, face to face, the noisy contest wage;
    "Don't _cock_ your chin at me," Dick smartly cries.
    "Fear not--his head's not _charged_," a friend replies.

        DXXVII.--A PIECE OF PLATE.

A YOUNG actor having played a part tolerably well, Elliston one evening
called him into the green-room, and addressed him to this effect:
"Young man, you have not only pleased the public, but you have pleased
me; and, as a slight token of my regard and good wishes, I beg your
acceptance of a small _piece of plate_." It was, beyond all question, a
_very_ small piece, for it was a silver toothpick!

        DXXVIII.--EPISCOPAL SAUCE.

AT a dinner-party Archbishop Whately called out suddenly to the host,
"Mr. ----!" There was silence. "Mr. ----, what is the proper female
companion of this John Dory?" After the usual number of guesses an
answer came, "_Anne Chovy_."

        DXXIX.--A GOOD CRITIC.

A FRIEND of an artist was endeavoring to persuade him not to bestow so
much time upon his works. "You do not know, then," said he, "that I have
a master very difficult to please?"--"Who?"--"_Myself_."

        DXXX.--WILKES'S TERGIVERSATION.

WILKES, one day in his later life, went to Court, when George III. asked
him, in a good-natured tone of banter, how his friend Serjeant Glynn
was. Glynn had been one of his most furious partisans. Wilkes replied,
with affected gravity, "Nay, sire, don't call Serjeant Glynn a friend of
mine; the fellow was a _Wilkite_, which your Majesty knows _I never
was_."

        DXXXI.--A SLIGHT ERUPTION.

A PERSON came almost breathless to Lord Thurlow, and exclaimed, "My
lord, I bring tidings of calamity to the nation!"--"What has happened,
man?" said the astonished Chancellor. "My lord, a rebellion has broken
out."--"Where? where?"--"In the _Isle of Man_."--"In the Isle of Man,"
repeated the enraged Chancellor. "A tempest in a teapot!"

        DXXXII.--SMOKING AN M.P.

AN honorable member, speaking about the tax on _tobacco_, somewhat
ludicrously called for certain _returns_.

        DXXXIII.--A TIMELY REPROOF.

A YOUNG chaplain had preached a sermon of great length. "Sir," said Lord
Mulgrave, bowing to him, "there were some things in your sermon of
to-day I never heard before."--"O, my lord!" said the flattered
chaplain, "it is a common text, and I could not have hoped to have said
anything new on the subject."--"I heard the clock _strike twice_," said
Lord Mulgrave.

        DXXXIV.--REPROOF.

"I CAN'T find bread for my family," said a lazy fellow in company. "Nor
I," replied an industrious miller; "I am obliged to _work_ for it."

        DXXXV.--A SATISFACTORY REASON.

MR. ALEXANDER, the architect of several fine buildings in the county of
Kent, was under cross-examination at Maidstone, by Serjeant (afterwards
Baron) Garrow, who wished to detract from the weight of his testimony.
"You are a builder, I believe?"--"No, sir: I am not a builder; I am an
architect!"--"Ah, well! architect or builder, builder or architect, they
are much the same, I suppose?"--"I beg your pardon, sir; I cannot admit
that: I consider them to be totally different!"--"O, indeed! perhaps you
will state wherein this great difference consists?"--"An architect, sir,
prepares the plans, conceives the design, draws out the
specifications,--in short, supplies the mind. The builder is merely the
bricklayer or the carpenter: the builder, in fact, is the machine,--the
architect the power that puts the machine together, and sets it
going!"--"O, very well, Mr. Architect, that will do! And now, after your
very ingenious distinction without a difference, perhaps you can inform
the court who was the architect for the Tower of Babel!"--"There was
_no_ architect, sir, and hence _the confusion_!"

        DXXXVI.--THE TANNER; AN EPIGRAM.

    A BERMONDSEY tanner would often engage,
      In a long _tête-à-tête_ with his dame,
    While trotting to town in the Kennington stage,
      About giving their villa a name.
    A neighbor, thus hearing the skin-dresser talk,
      Stole out, half an hour after dark,
    Picked up in the roadway a fragment of chalk,
      And wrote on the palings,--"_Hide_ Park!"

        DXXXVII.--AN ABSENT MAN.

A CONCEITED young man asked Foote what apology he should make for not
being one of a party the day before, to which he had been invited. "O,
my dear sir," replied the wit, "say nothing about it, you were not
_missed_."

        DXXXVIII.--A DOUBLE KNOCK.

ON Dr. K----'s promotion to the bishopric of Down, an appointment in
some quarters unpopular, Archbishop Whately observed, "The Irish
government will not be able to stand many more such _Knocks Down_ as
this!"

        DXXXIX.--A PROPER RETORT.

A CERTAIN dramatic translator, introducing a well-known comedian to
Madame Vestris, said: "Madame, this is Mr. B----, who is not such a fool
as he looks."--"True, madame," said the comedian; "and that is the great
_difference_ between me and my friend."

        DXL.--FORAGING.

DURING the interregnum after the death of King Charles I., the soldiers
were accustomed to visit the theatres and rob the audience, so that it
was said to be part of the stage directions,--"_Enter_ the Red Coat:
_Exeunt_ Hat and Cloak."

        DXLI.--ON JEKYLL NEARLY BEING THROWN DOWN BY A VERY SMALL PIG.

    AS Jekyll walked out in his gown and his wig,
    He happened to tread on a very small pig:
    "Pig of science," he said, "or else I'm mistaken,
    For surely thou art an _abridgment of Bacon_."

        DXLII.--UNKIND.

"PRAY, sir," said Lady Wallace to David Hume, "I am often asked what age
I am; what answer should I make?" Mr. Hume, immediately guessing her
ladyship's meaning, said, "Madam, when you are asked that question
again, answer that you are not yet come to the years of _discretion_."

        DXLIII.--DEAN SWIFT AND KING WILLIAM.

THE motto which was inserted under the arms of William, Prince of
Orange, on his accession to the English crown, was, _Non rapui sed
recepi_ ["I did not _steal_ it, but I _received_ it"]. This being shown
to Dean Swift, he said, with a sarcastic smile, "The _receiver_ is as
bad as the _thief_."

        DXLIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s declaring his detestation of all meanness).

    IF really ---- do but loathe
      Things base or mean, I must confess
    I'd very freely take my oath,
      Self-love's a fault he don't possess.

        DXLV.--ELOQUENT SILENCE.

"YOU have already read that section four times, Mr. ----," said Maule to
a prosing counsel. "It's iteration! It's ----, I use no _epithet_, it is
iteration;" his look implying _the anathema_.

        DXLVI.--KEEPING A PROMISE.

    THUS, with kind words, Fairface cajoled his friend:
    "Dear Dick! on me thou may'st assured depend;
    I know thy fortune is but very scant,
    But never will I see my friend in want."
    Dick soon in gaol, believed his friend would free him;
    He kept his word,--in want he ne'er would see him!

        DXLVII.--NAVAL ORATORY.

WHEN Admiral Cornwallis commanded the Canada, a mutiny broke out in the
ship, on account of some accidental delay in paying the crew. The men
signed _a round robin_, wherein they declared that they would not fire a
gun till they were paid. Captain Cornwallis, on receiving this
declaration, caused all hands to be called on deck, and thus addressed
them: "My lads, the money cannot be paid till we return to port, and as
to your not fighting, that is mere nonsense:--I'll clap you alongside
the first large ship of the enemy I see, and I know that the Devil
himself will not be able to _keep you from it_." The men all returned to
their duty, better satisfied than if they had been paid the money ten
times over.

        DXLVIII.--VERSE AND WORSE.

AMONG a company of cheerful Irishmen, in the neighborhood of St. Giles,
it was proposed by the host to make a gift of a couple of fowls to him
that, off-hand, should write six lines in poetry of his own composing.
Several of the merry crew attempted unsuccessfully to gain the prize. At
length the _wittiest_ among them thus ended the contest:--

    "Good friends, as I'm to make a po'm,
    Excuse me, if I just step home;
    Two lines already!--be not cru'l,
    Consider, honeys,--I'm a fool.
    There's four lines!--now I'll gain the fowls,
    With which I soon shall fill my bow'ls."

        DXLIX.--THE IRON DUKE.

IT is said the Duke of Wellington bought a book of the "Hunchback" at
Covent Garden Theatre, for which he gave a pound in gold, refusing to
receive the difference. His Grace seemed very ready to sacrifice a
_sovereign_, which he probably would have done had he at the time
refused to take _no change_. The Reform Bill was under consideration.

        DL.--CLEAR THE COURT.

AN Irish crier at Ballinasloe being ordered to clear the court, did so
by this announcement: "Now, then, all ye _blackguards_ that isn't
_lawyers_, must lave the coort."

        DLI--SCOTCH CAUTION.

AN old shoemaker in Glasgow was sitting by the bedside of his wife, who
was dying. She took him by the hand. "Weel, John, we're gawin to part. I
hae been a gude wife to you, John."--"O, just middling, just middling,
Jenny," said John, not disposed to commit himself. "John," says she, "ye
maun promise to bury me in the auld kirk-yard at Stra'von beside my
mither. I couldna rest in peace among unco folk, in the dirt and smoke
o' Glasgow."--"Weel, weel, Jenny, my woman," said John soothingly,
"we'll just pit you in the Gorbals _first_, and gin ye dinna lie quiet,
we'll try you sine in Stra'von."

        DLII.--WALPOLIANA.

SIR CHARLES WAGER always said, "that if a sea-fight lasted three days,
he was sure the English suffered the most for the two first, for no
other nation would stand _beating_ for two days together."

Yesterday we had another hearing of the petition of the merchants, when
Sir Robert Godschall (then Lord Mayor) shone brighter than even his
usual. There was a copy of a letter produced, the original being lost;
he asked whether the copy had been taken _before_ the original was lost,
or _after_!

This gold-chain came into parliament, cried up for his parts, but proves
so dull, one would think he chewed opium. Earl says, "I have heard an
_oyster_ speak as well twenty times."

        DLIII.--NOT POLITE.

MR. P----, a candidate for Berkshire, was said to have admitted his want
of _head_, by demanding a _poll_.

        DLIV.--EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES.

A CASE of some great offence was tried before Lord Hermand (who was a
great toper), and the counsel pleaded extenuation for his client in that
he was _drunk_ when he committed the offence. "Drunk!" exclaimed Lord
Hermand, in great indignation; "if he could do such a thing when he was
drunk, what might he not have done when he was _sober_?" evidently
implying that the normal condition of human nature and its most hopeful
one, was a condition of intoxication.

        DLV.--ON MR. HUSBAND'S MARRIAGE.

    THIS case is the strangest we've known in our life,
    The husband's a husband, and so is the wife.

        DLVI.--CONFIDENCE.

THE first time Jerrold saw a celebrated song-writer, the latter said to
him:--

"Youngster, have you sufficient confidence in me to lend me a guinea?"

_Jerrold._--"O yes; I've all the confidence, but I have n't the guinea."

        DLVII.--LADY ANNE.

AT Portsmouth, during the representation of _Richard the Third_, on
Richard exclaiming, "O, take more pity in thine eyes, and see him here,"
Miss White, who was in Lady Anne, indignantly exclaimed, "Would they
were _battle-axes_ (basilisks) to strike _thee dead_."

        DLVIII.--NICE LANGUAGE.

A MAN being tried for sheep-stealing, evidence was given that he had
been seen washing tripe. The counsel for the Crown, in examining the
witness, observed with ill-timed indelicacy, "He was washing
_bowels_?"--"Yes, sir."--"The bowels of an animal, I suppose?"--"Yes,
sir." The counsel sits down. Justice Maule: "Pray, was it _a wren's_
stomach?"

        DLIX.--UNPOETICAL REPLY.

A HARDY seaman, who had escaped one of the recent shipwrecks upon our
coast, was asked by a good lady how he felt when the waves broke over
him. He replied, "_Wet_, ma'am,--_very wet_."

        DLX.--IMITATION OF A COW.

MR. JAMES BOSWELL, the friend and biographer of Dr. Johnson, when a
youth, went to the pit of Covent Garden Theatre in company with Dr.
Blair, and, in a frolic, imitated the lowing of a cow; and the universal
cry in the galleries was, "Encore the cow! Encore the cow!" This was
complied with, and, in the pride of success, Mr. Boswell attempted to
imitate some other animals, but with less success. Dr. Blair, anxious
for the fame of his friend, addressed him thus: "My dear sir, I would
confine myself to _the cow_."

        DLXI.--TAKING HIS MEASURE.

A CONCEITED packman called at a farm-house in the west of Scotland, in
order to dispose of some of his wares. The goodwife was startled by his
southern accent, and his high talk about York, London, and other big
places. "An' whaur come ye frae yersel?" was the question of the gude
wife. "Ou! I am from the Border!"--"The Border. Oh! I thocht that; for
we aye think the _selvidge_ is the wakest bit o' the wab!"

        DLXII.--THURLOW AND PITT.

WHEN the Lord Chancellor Thurlow was supposed to be on no very friendly
terms with the Minister (Mr. Pitt), a friend asked the latter how
Thurlow drew with them. "I don't know," said the Premier, "how he
_draws_, but he has not refused _his oats_ yet."

        DLXIII.--EPIGRAM.

(On Lord ----'s delivering his speeches in a sitting position, owing to
excessive gout.)

    IN asserting that Z. is with villany rife,
      I very much doubt if the Whigs misreport him;
    Since _two_ members _attached to his person through life_,
      Have, on recent occasions, _refused to support him_.

        DLXIV.--A HAPPY MAN.

LORD M---- had a very exalted opinion of his own cleverness, and once
made the following pointed remark: "When I happen to say a foolish
thing, I always burst out a laughing!"--"I envy you your happiness, my
lord, then," said Charles Townshend, "for you must certainly live the
_merriest_ life of any man in Europe."

        DLXV.--VULGAR ARGUMENTS.

AT a club, of which Jerrold was a member, a fierce Jacobite, and a
friend, as fierce, of the cause of William the Third, were arguing
noisily, and disturbing less excitable conversationalists. At length the
Jacobite, a brawny Scot, brought his fist down heavily upon the table,
and roared at his adversary:--

"I tell you what it is, sir, I spit upon your King William!"

The friend of the Prince of Orange was not to be out-mastered by mere
lungs. He rose, and roared back to the Jacobite:--

"And I, sir, spit upon your James the Second!"

Jerrold, who had been listening to the uproar in silence, hereupon rung
the bell, and shouted:--

"Waiter, _spittoons for two_!"

        DLXVI.--A CLEAR CASE.

MR. JUSTICE MAULE would occasionally tax the powers of country juries.
_Ex. gr._ "Gentlemen," said the judge, "the learned counsel is perfectly
right in his law, there is _some_ evidence upon that point; but he's a
lawyer, and you're not, and you don't know what he means by _some_
evidence, so I'll tell you. Suppose there was an action on a bill of
exchange, and six people swore they saw the defendant accept it, and six
others swore they heard him say he should have to pay it, and six others
knew him intimately, and swore to his handwriting; and suppose on the
other side they called a poor old man who had been at school with the
defendant forty years before and had not seen him since, and he said he
rather thought the acceptance was not his writing, why there'd be _some_
evidence that it was not, and that's what Mr. ---- means in this case."
Need we add that the jury retired to consider their verdict?

        DLXVII.--THE LATIN FOR COLD.

A SCHOOLMASTER asked one of his scholars in the winter time, what was
the Latin for cold. "O sir," answered the lad, "I forget at this moment,
although I have it at my _fingers' ends_."

        DLXVIII.--PIECE DE RESISTANCE.

"DO come and dine with me," said John to Pat: "you must; though I have
only a nice piece of beef and some potatoes for you."--"O my dear
fellow! don't make the laist apology about the dinner, it's the very
same I should have had at home, _barrin' the beef_."

        DLXIX.--LAMB AND ERSKINE.

COUNSELLOR LAMB, an old man when Lord Erskine was in the height of his
reputation, was of timid and nervous disposition, usually prefacing his
pleadings with an apology to that effect; and on one occasion, when
opposed, in some cause, to Erskine, he happened to remark that "he felt
himself growing more and more timid as he grew older."--"No wonder,"
replied the relentless barrister; "every one knows the older a _lamb_
grows, the more _sheepish_ he becomes."

        DLXX.--TRUE WIT.

    TRUE wit is like the brilliant stone
      Dug from Golconda's mine;
    Which boasts two various powers in one,
      To cut as well as shine.
    Genius, like that, if polished right,
      With the same gifts abounds;
    Appears at once both keen and bright,
      And sparkles while it wounds.

        DLXXI.--ORDER! ORDER!

A BARRISTER opened a case somewhat confusedly. Mr. Justice Maule
interrupted him. "I wish, Mr. ----, you would put your facts in some
order; chronological order is the best, but I am not particular. Any
order you like--_alphabetical_ order."

        DLXXII.--THEATRICAL WIT.

HATTON, who was a considerable favorite at the Haymarket Theatre, and
particularly in the part of _Jack Junk_, was one night at Gosport,
performing the character of _Barbarossa_. In the scene where the tyrant
makes love to _Zapphira_, and reminds her of his services against the
enemies of her kingdom, he was at a loss, and could not catch the word
from the prompter, when, seeing the house crowded with sailors, and
regardless of the gross anachronism, he exclaimed, with all the energy
of tragedy--

                                    "Did not I,
    By that brave knight Sir Sidney Smith assisted,
    And in conjunction with the gallant Nelson,
    Drive Bonaparte and his fierce marauders
    From Egypt's shores?"

The jolly tars thought that it was all in his part, and cheered the
actor with three rounds of applause.

        DLXXIII.--THE CUT DIRECT.

A GENTLEMAN having his hair cut, was asked by the garrulous operator
"how he would have it done?"--"If possible," replied the gentleman, "_in
silence_."

        DLXXIV.--BUSY BODIES.

A MASTER of a ship called out, "Who is below?" A boy answered, "Will,
sir."--"What are you doing?"--"Nothing, sir."--"Is Tom there?"--"Yes,"
said Tom. "What are _you_ doing?"--"Helping Will, sir."

        DLXXV.--THE HOPEFUL PUPIL.

WHEN the comedy of "She Stoops to Conquer" was in rehearsal, Goldsmith
took great pains to give the performers his ideas of their several
parts. On the first representation he was not a little displeased to
hear the representative of _Young Marlow_ play it as an Irishman. As
soon as _Marlow_ came off the stage, Goldsmith asked him the meaning of
this, as it was by no means intended as an Irish character. "Sir,"
replied the comedian, "I spoke it as nearly as I could to the manner in
which you instructed me, except that I did not give it quite so strong
a _brogue_."

        DLXXVI.--THE FORCE OF HABIT.

A TOPING bookseller presented a check at the banking-house of Sir W.
Curtis and Co., and upon the cashier putting the usual question, "How
will you have it?" replied, "_Cold, without sugar_."

        DLXXVII.--NOTICE TO QUIT.

AN Ayrshire gentleman, when out on the 1st of September, having failed
time after time in bringing down a single bird, had at last pointed out
to him by his attendant bag-carrier, a large covey, thick and close on
the stubbles. "Noo! Mr. Jeems, let drive at them, just as they are!"

Mr. Jeems did let drive, as advised, but all flew off, safe and sound.
"Hech, sir (remarks his friend), but ye've made thae yins shift _their
quarters_."

        DLXXVIII.--A LITERAL JOKE.

LORD ELDON always pronounced the word _lien_ as though it were _lyon_;
and Sir Arthur Pigot pronounced the same word _lean_. On this Jekyll
wrote the following epigram:--

    "Sir Arthur, Sir Arthur, why, what do you mean,
    By saying the Chancellor's _lion_ is _lean_?
    D'ye think that his kitchen's so bad as all that,
    That nothing within it will ever get fat?"

        DLXXIX.--AN ARGUMENT.

    SAYS P--l--s, "Why the Bishops are
    By nature meant the _soil_ to share,
      I'll quickly make you understand;
    For can we not deduct with ease,
    That nature has designed the _seas_
      Expressly to _divide the land_?"

        DLXXX.--THE CANDLE AND LANTERN.

DURING the period Sir Busick Harwood was Professor of Anatomy in the
University of Cambridge, he was called in, in a case of some
difficulty, by the friends of a patient, who were anxious for his
opinion of the malady. Being told the name of the medical man who had
previously prescribed, Sir Busick exclaimed, "He! if he were to descend
into the patient's stomach with a _candle and lantern_, when he ascended
he would not be able to name the complaint."

        DLXXXI.--ONE HEAD BETTER THAN A DOZEN.

KING HENRY VIII., designing to send an embassy to Francis I. at a very
dangerous juncture, the nobleman selected begged to be excused, saying,
"Such a threatening message to so hot a prince as Francis I. might go
near to cost him his life."--"Fear not," said old Harry, "if the French
king should take away your life, I will take off the heads of a dozen
Frenchmen now in my power."--"But of all these heads," replied the
nobleman, "there may not be _one to fit_ my shoulders."

        DLXXXII.--KEEPING A CONSCIENCE.

THE great controversy on the propriety of requiring a subscription to
articles of faith, as practised by the Church of England, excited at
this time (1772) a very strong sensation amongst the members of the two
universities. Paley, when pressed to sign the clerical petition which
was presented to the House of Commons for relief, excused himself,
saying, "He could not _afford_ to keep a conscience."

        DLXXXIII.--DEBTOR AND CREDITOR.

A TRADESMAN having dunned a customer for a long time, the debtor at last
desired his servant one morning to admit him. "My friend," said he to
him, "I think you are a very honest fellow, and I have a great regard
for you; therefore, I take this opportunity to tell you, that as I shall
never pay you a farthing, you had better go home, mind your business,
and don't lose your time by calling here. As for the others, they are a
set of vagabonds, for whom _I have no affection_, and they may waste
their time as they please."

        DLXXXIV.--PORTMANTEAU _v._ TRUNK.

SERJEANT WHITAKER, one of the most eminent lawyers of his day, was an
eccentric. A friend, at one of the assize towns, offered him a bed, and
the next morning asked him if he had found himself comfortable and warm.
"Yes, madam," replied the serjeant; "yes, pretty well, on the whole. At
first I felt a little queer for want of Mrs. Whitaker; but recollecting
that my portmanteau was in the room, I threw it behind my back, and it
_did every bit_ as well."

        DLXXXV.--SEEING A CORONATION.

A SAD mistake was once made at court by the beautiful and celebrated
Duchess of Hamilton. Shortly before the death of George II., and whilst
he was greatly indisposed, Miss Gunning, upon becoming Duchess of
Hamilton, was presented to his majesty. The king, who was particularly
pleased with the natural elegance and artlessness of her manner,
indulged in a long conversation with her grace. In the course of this
_tête-à-tête_ the duchess said, with great animation, "I have seen
everything! There is only one thing in this world I wish to see, and I
do long so much to see that!" The curiosity of the monarch was so
greatly excited to know what this wonderful thing could be, that he
eagerly asked her what it was. "A coronation," replied the thoughtless
duchess; nor was she at all conscious of the mistake she had made, till
the king took her hand with a sigh, and with a melancholy expression
replied, "I apprehend you have not long to wait; you will soon have
_your wish_." Her grace was overwhelmed with confusion.

        DLXXXVI.--HOOK'S POLITENESS.

HOOK was once observed, during dinner, nodding like a Chinese mandarin
in a tea-shop. On being asked the reason, he replied, "Why when no one
else asks me to take champagne, I take sherry with the épergne, and bow
to the flowers."

        DLXXXVII.--ON NAPOLEON'S STATUE AT BOULOGNE TURNED, BY DESIGN OR
ACCIDENT, WITH ITS BACK TO ENGLAND.

    UPON its lofty column's stand
      Napoleon takes his place:
    His back still turned upon that land
      That never saw his face.

        DLXXXVIII.--OLD TIMES.

A GENTLEMAN in company with Foote, took up a newspaper, saying, "He
wanted to see what the ministry were about." Foote, with a smile,
replied, "Look among _the robberies_."

        DLXXXIX.--AN ARCADIAN.

A LAZY fellow lying down on the grass said, "O, how I do wish that this
was called _work_, and well paid!"

        DXC.--JOHNSON AND MRS. SIDDONS.

IN spite of the ill-founded contempt Dr. Johnson professed to entertain
for actors, he persuaded himself to treat Mrs. Siddons with great
politeness, and said, when she called on him at Bolt Court, and Frank,
his servant, could not immediately provide her with a chair, "You see,
madam, wherever _you_ go there are _no seats_ to be got."

        DXCI.--ROWING IN THE SAME BOAT.

"WE row in the same boat, you know," said a literary friend to Jerrold.
This literary friend was a comic writer, and a comic writer only.
Jerrold replied, "True, my good fellow, we _do_ row in the same boat,
but with very different skulls."

        DXCII.--A GENUINE IRISH BULL.

SIR BOYLE ROCHE said, "Single misfortunes never come alone, and the
greatest of all possible misfortunes is generally followed by a much
greater."

        DXCIII.--THE RULING PASSION.

IN the last illness of George Colman, the doctor being late in an
appointment, apologized to his patient, saying that he had been called
in to see a man who had fallen down a well. "Did he kick the bucket,
doctor?" groaned out poor George.

        DXCIV.--EPIGRAM.

(On ----'s late neglect of his judicial duties.)

    LORD ----'S left his circuit for a day,
      Which is to me a mystery profound;
    He leaves the _circuit_! he, of whom they say,
      That he delights in constant _turning round_.

        DXCV.--SHAKESPEARE ILLUSTRATED.

DIGNUM and Moses Kean the mimic were both tailors. Charles Bannister met
them under the Piazza in Covent Garden, arm-in-arm. "I never see those
men together," said he, "but they put me in mind of Shakespeare's
comedy, _Measure for Measure_!"

        DXCVI.--DEGENERACY.

THERE had been a carousing party at Colonel Grant's, the late Lord
Seafield, and two Highlanders were in attendance to carry the guests up
stairs, it being understood that none could by any other means arrive at
their sleeping apartments. One or two of the guests, however, were
walking up stairs and declined the proffered assistance. The attendants
were utterly astonished, and indignantly exclaimed, "Aigh, it's sare
cheenged times at Castle Grant, when gentlemens can gang to bed on their
_ain feet_."

        DXCVII.--WORTHY OF CREDIT.

A GENTLEMAN was applied to by a crossing-sweeper for charity. The
gentleman replied, "I will remember you when I return."--"Please your
honor," says the man, "I'm ruined by the _credit_ I give in that way."

        DXCVIII.--PAYING IN KIND.

A FARMER, having lost some ducks, was asked by the counsel for the
prisoner accused of stealing them to describe their peculiarity. After
he had done so, the counsel remarked, "They can't be such a rare breed,
as I have some like them in my yard."--"That's very likely," said the
farmer; "these are not the _only ducks_ of the same sort I've had stolen
lately."

        DXCIX.--VERY SERIOUS.

A REGULAR physician being sent for by a quack, expressed his surprise at
being called in on an occasion apparently trifling. "Not so trifling,
neither," replied the quack; "for, to tell you the truth, I have, by
mistake, taken some of my OWN PILLS."

        DC.--THE LATE LORD AUDLEY.

MR. PHILIP THICKNESSE, father of the late Lord Audley, being in want of
money, applied to his son for assistance. This being denied, he
immediately hired a cobbler's stall, directly opposite his lordship's
house, and put up a board, on which was inscribed, in large letters,
"Boots and shoes mended in the best and cheapest manner, by Philip
Thicknesse, _father_ of Lord Audley." His lordship took the hint, and
the board was removed.

        DCI.--DELICATE HINT.

QUEEN CAROLINE, when Princess of Wales, in one of her shrewd letters,
says, "_My better half_, or my worse, which you choose, has been ill, I
hear, but nothing to make me hope or fear."

        DCII.--A SCOTCH MEDIUM.

AFTER giving Sandy certain directions about kirk matters, the minister
sniffed once or twice, and remarked, "Saunders, I fear you have been
'tasting' (taking a glass) this morning."--"'Deed, sir," replied Sandy,
with the coolest effrontery, set off with a droll glance of his brown
eyes; "'Deed, sir, I was just ga'in' to observe I thocht there was a
smell o' speerits _amang us_ this mornin'!"

        DCIII.--EPIGRAM.

    A WATCH lost in a tavern! That's a crime;
    Then see how men by drinking lose their time.
    The watch kept time; and if time will away,
    I see no reason why the watch should stay.
    You say the key hung out, and you failed to lock it;
    Time will not be kept pris'ner in a pocket.
    Henceforth, if you will keep your watch, this do,
    Pocket your watch, and watch your pocket, too.

        DCIV.--PERFECT DISCONTENT.

AN old lady was in the habit of talking to Jerrold in a gloomy
depressing manner, presenting to him only the sad side of life. "Hang
it!" said Jerrold, one day, after a long and sombre interview, "she
wouldn't allow there was a bright side to the moon."

        DCV.--A BAD BARGAIN.

A MAN bought a horse on condition that he should pay half down, and be
in debt for the remainder. A short time after, the seller demanding
payment of the balance, the other answered, "No; it was agreed that I
should be _in your debt_ for the _remainder_; how can that be if I _pay_
it?"

        DCVI.--A PIOUS MINISTER.

IF it be true that the heads of the country should set religious example
to their inferiors, the E---- of R----, in his observance of one of the
commandments, is a pattern to the community; for, not only on the
Sabbath, but through the week, he takes care as Postmaster-General to do
_no manner of work_.

        DCVII.--STERNE.

SOME person remarked to him that apothecaries bore the same relation to
physicians that attorneys do to barristers. "So they do," said Sterne;
"but apothecaries and attorneys are not alike, for the latter do not
deal in _scruples_."

        DCVIII.--WHO'S THE FOOL?

MR. SERGEANT PARRY, in illustration of a case, told the following
anecdote:--

Some merchants went to an Eastern sovereign, and exhibited for sale
several very fine horses. The king admired them, and bought them; he,
moreover, gave the merchants a lac of rupees to purchase more horses for
him. The king one day, in a sportive humor, ordered the vizier to make
out a list of all the fools in his dominions. He did so, and put his
Majesty's name at the head of them. The king asked why. He replied,
"Because you entrusted a lac of rupees to men you don't know, and who
will never come back."--"Ay, but suppose they should come back?"--"Then
I shall erase _your_ name and insert _theirs_."

        DCIX.--COLD COMFORT.

A JURYMAN, kept several days at his own expense, sent a friend to the
judge to complain that he had been paid nothing for his attendance. "O,
tell him," said the witty judge, "that if ever he should have to go
before a jury himself he will get one for nothing."

        DCX.--A GREAT DIFFERENCE.

"THE friends and opponents of the Bill," said a'Beckett, "are divided
into two very distinct classes,--the a-bility and the no-bility."

        DCXI.--OXFORD AND CAMBRIDGE ACTORS.

KING JAMES had two comedies acted before him, the one at Cambridge, the
other at Oxford; that at Cambridge was called _Ignoramus_, an ingenious
thing, wherein one Mr. Sleep was a principal actor; the other at Oxford
was but a dull piece, and therein Mr. Wake was a prime actor. Which made
his Majesty merrily to say, that in Cambridge one _Sleep_ made him
_wake_, and in Oxford one _Wake_ made him _sleep_.

        DCXII.--INQUEST--NOT EXTRAORDINARY.

    GREAT Bulwer's works fell on Miss Basbleu's head,
    And in a moment, lo! the maid was dead!
    A jury sat, and found the verdict plain--
    "She died of _milk and water on the brain_."

        DCXIII.--STRANGE JETSUM.

A THIN old man, with a rag-bag in his hand, was picking up a number of
small pieces of whalebone which lay on the street. The deposit was of
such a singular nature, that we asked the quaint-looking gatherer how he
supposed they came there. "Don't know," he replied, in a squeaking
voice; "but I 'spect some unfortunate female was _wrecked_ hereabout
somewhere."

        DCXIV.--THE TRUTH AT LAST.

A GOOD instance of absence of mind was an editor quoting from a rival
paper one of his own articles, and heading it, "Wretched Attempt at
Wit."

        DCXV.--A PILL GRATIS.

A PERSON desirous of impressing Lord Ellenborough with his importance,
said, "I sometimes employ myself as a doctor."--"Very likely," remarked
his lordship; "but is any one fool enough to _employ you_ in that
capacity?"

        DCXVI.--RATHER HARD.

WE are told that a member for old Sarum (consisting of one large
mansion) was once in danger of being pelted with stones; he would have
found it _hard_ to have been assailed with his _own constituents_.

        DCXVII.--SCOTCH PENETRATION.

AN old lady who lived not far from Abbotsford, and from whom the "Great
Unknown" had derived many an ancient tale, was waited upon one day by
the author of "Waverley." On Scott endeavoring to conceal the
authorship, the old dame protested, "D'ye think, sir, I dinna ken my
_ain_ groats in ither folk's kail?"

        DCXVIII.--A QUESTION OF TIME.

WHEN Jeremy Taylor was introduced to the Archbishop of Canterbury, he
was told by the prelate, that his extreme youth was a bar to his present
employment. "If your grace," replied Taylor, "will _excuse_ me this
_fault_, I promise, if I live, to mend it."

        DCXIX.--EPIGRAM.

(On the sincerity of a certain prelate.)

    ---- ----'S discourses from his _heart_
      Proceed, as everybody owns;
    And thus they prove the poet's art,
      Who says that "sermons are in _stones_."

        DCXX.--CONCURRENT EVENTS.

A YOUNG fellow, very confident in his abilities, lamented one day that
he had _lost_ all his Greek. "I believe it happened at the same time,
sir," said Dr. Johnson, "that I _lost_ all my large estate in
Yorkshire."

        DCXXI.--A GOOD EXCUSE.

AN attorney on being called to account for having acted unprofessionally
in taking less than the usual fees from his client, pleaded that he had
taken _all_ the man had. He was thereupon honorably acquitted.

        DCXXII.--SHORT AND SHARP.

"WHY, Mr. B.," said a tall youth to a little person who was in company
with half-a-dozen huge men, "I protest you are so very small I did not
see you before."

"Very likely," replied the little gentleman; "I am like a sixpence among
six copper pennies,--not easily perceived, but worth the _whole_ of
them."

        DCXXIII.--IRELAND'S FORGERY.

    SAYS Kemble to Lewis, "Pray what is your play?"
    Cries Lewis to Kemble, "The _Lie of the Day_!"
    "Say you so?" replied Kemble; "why, we _act the same_;
    But to cozen the town we adopt a _new name_;
    For that _Vortigern's_ Shakespeare's we some of us say,
    Which you very well know is a _lie_ of the day."

        DCXXIV.--A GOOD ONE.

LAMB and Coleridge were talking together on the incidents of Coleridge's
early life, when he was beginning his career in the church, and
Coleridge was describing some of the facts in his usual tone, when he
paused, and said, "Pray, Mr. Lamb, did you ever hear me preach?"--"I
_never_ heard you do anything else!" said Lamb.

        DCXXV.--"WRITE ME DOWN AN ASS."

A VERY stupid foreman asked a judge how they were to _ignore_ a bill.
"Write _Ignoramus for self and fellows_ on the back of it," said Curran.

        DCXXVI.--A WORD TO THE WISE.

DR. BALGUY, a preacher of great celebrity, after having preached an
excellent discourse at Winchester Cathedral, the text of which was, "All
wisdom is sorrow," received the following elegant compliment from Dr.
Wharton, then at Winchester school:--

    If what you advance, dear doctor, be true,
    That "wisdom is sorrow," how wretched are you.

        DCXXVII.--LIBERAL GIFT.

A COMEDIAN at Covent Garden advised one of the scene-shifters, who had
met with an accident, to try a subscription; and a few days afterwards
he asked for the list of names, which, when he had read over, he
returned. "Why, sir," says the poor fellow, "won't you give me
something?"--"Why, zounds, man," replied the comedian, "didn't I _give_
you the _hint_?"

        DCXXVIII.--EASILY ANSWERED.

A CERTAIN Lord Mayor hearing of a gentleman who had had the small-pox
twice, and died of it, asked, if he died the first time or the second.

        DCXXIX.--ON THE LATIN GERUNDS.

    WHEN Dido mourned, Æneas would not come,
    She wept in silence, and was _Di-Do-Dumb_.

        DCXXX.--DODGING A CREDITOR.

A CREDITOR, whom he was anxious to avoid, met Sheridan coming out of
Pall Mall. There was no possibility of avoiding him, but he did not lose
his presence of mind. "That's a beautiful mare you are on!" said
Sheridan. "Do you think so?"--"Yes, indeed! how does she trot?" The
creditor, highly flattered, put her into full trot. Sheridan bolted
round the corner, and was _out of sight_ in a moment.

        DCXXXI.--BAD HABIT.

SIR FREDERICK FLOOD had a droll habit, of which he could never
effectually break himself. Whenever a person at his back whispered or
suggested anything to him whilst he was speaking in public, without a
moment's reflection, he always repeated the suggestion _literatim_. Sir
Frederick was once making a long speech in the Irish Parliament, lauding
the transcendent merits of the Wexford magistracy, on a motion for
extending the criminal jurisdiction in that county, to keep down the
disaffected. As he was closing a most turgid oration by declaring "that
the said magistracy ought to receive some signal mark of the
Lord-Lieutenant's favor," John Egan, who was rather mellow, and sitting
behind him, jocularly whispered, "_and be whipped at the cart's
tail_."--"And be whipped at the cart's tail!" repeated Sir Frederick
unconsciously, amidst peals of uncontrollable laughter.

        DCXXXII.--WHO'S TO BLAME.

KING JAMES used to say, that he never knew a modest man make his way in
a court. As he was repeating this expression one day, a David Floyd, who
was then in waiting at his Majesty's elbow, replied bluntly, "Pray, sir,
whose _fault_ is that!" The king stood corrected, and was silent.

        DCXXXIII.--THE LETTER H.

SIR JAMES SCARLETT, when at the Bar, had to cross-examine a witness
whose evidence it was thought would be very damaging, unless he could be
bothered a little, and his only vulnerable point was said to be his
self-esteem. The witness presented himself in the box,--a portly,
overdressed person,--and Scarlett took him in hand.

_Q._ Mr. John Tomkins, I believe?

_A._ Yes.

_Q._ You are a stock-broker?

_A._ I _ham_!

Scarlett regarded him attentively for a few moments, and then said: "And
a very fine, well-dressed _ham_ you are, sir?"

The shouts of laughter which followed completely disconcerted the
witness, and the counsel's point was gained.

        DCXXXIV.--TRUTH AND RHYME.

IN the days of Charles II., candidates for holy orders were expected to
respond in Latin to the various interrogatories put to them by the
bishop or his examining chaplain. When the celebrated Dr. Isaac Barrow
(who was fellow of Trinity College, and tutor to the immortal Newton)
had taken his bachelor's degree, he presented himself before the
bishop's chaplain, who, with the stiff stern visage of the times, said
to Barrow,--

"_Quid est fides_?" (What is faith?)

"_Quod non vides_" (What thou dost not see),

answered Barrow with the utmost promptitude. The chaplain, a little
vexed at Barrow's laconic answer, continued,--

"_Quid est spes_?" (What is hope?)

"_Magna res_" (A great thing),

replied the young candidate in the same breath.

"_Quid est charitas_?" (What is charity?)

was the next question.

"_Magna raritas_" (A great rarity),

was again the prompt reply of Barrow, blending truth and rhyme with a
precision that staggered the reverend examiner, who went direct to the
bishop and told him that a young Cantab had thought proper to give
rhyming answers to three several moral questions, and added that he
believed his name was Barrow, of Trinity College, Cambridge. "Barrow,
Barrow!" said the bishop, who well knew the literary and moral worth of
the young Cantab, "if that's the case, ask him no more questions, for he
is much better qualified," continued his lordship, "to _examine us than
we him_." Barrow received his letters of orders forthwith.

        DCXXXV.--A GOOD TRANSLATION.

    "PISTOR erat quondam, laborando qui fregit collum:
    Qui fregit collum, collum fregitque suum."

Thus translated--

    "There was a baker heretofore, with labor and great pain:
    Did break his neck, and break his neck, and break his neck again."

        DCXXXVI.--MAD QUAKERS.

A MAD Quaker belongs to a small and rich sect; and is, therefore, of
greater importance than any _other_ mad person of the same degree in
life.

        DCXXXVII.--BACON.

A MALEFACTOR, under sentence of death, pretending that he was related to
him, on that account petitioned Lord Chancellor Bacon for a _reprieve_.
To which petition his lordship answered, "that he could not possibly be
_Bacon_ till he had first been _hung_."

        DCXXXVIII.--A LETTER WANTING.

    SAID vain Andrew Scalp, "My initials, I guess,
    Are known, so I sign all my poems, A.S."
    Said Jerrold, "I own you're a reticent youth,
    For that's telling only two thirds of the truth."

        DCXXXIX.--ADVICE TO THE YOUNG.

JERROLD said to an ardent young gentleman, who burned with a desire to
see himself in print, "Be advised by me, young man: don't take down the
shutters before there is something in the window."

        DCXL.--A PROMISE TO PAY.

JOE HAINES was more remarkable for his practical jokes than for his
acting. He was seized one morning by two bailiffs, for a debt of 20l.,
as the Bishop of Ely was passing by in his coach. "Gentlemen," said Joe,
"here's my cousin the Bishop of Ely going by his house; let me but speak
to him, and he'll pay the debt and charges." The bailiffs thought they
might venture this, as they were within three or four yards of him. Joe
went boldly up to the coach, and pulled his hat off to the bishop. His
lordship ordered the coach to stop, when Joe whispered him gently, "My
lord, here are two men who have such great _scruples of conscience_,
that I fear they'll hang themselves."--"Very well," said the bishop; so,
calling to the bailiffs, he said, "You two men come to me to-morrow
morning, and _I will satisfy you_." The men bowed, and went away
pleased. Early on the following day, the bailiffs, expecting the debt
and charges, paid a visit to the bishop; when, being introduced, his
lordship addressed them. "Well, my men, what are your scruples of
conscience?"--"Scruples!" echoed the bailiff; "we have _no scruples_. We
are bailiffs, my lord, who yesterday arrested your cousin, Joe Haines,
for a debt of 20l.; and your lordship kindly promised to satisfy us
to-day." The bishop, reflecting that his honor and name would be exposed
were he not to comply, paid the debt and charges.

        DCXLI.--PUNCTUATION.

SOME gentlemen talking on the inattention of writers to punctuation, it
was observed that the lawyers used no stops in their writings. "I should
not mind that," said one of the party, "but they put no _periods_ to
their works."

        DCXLII.--CON-CIDER-ATE.

LORD BOTTETOT, in passing through Gloucester, soon after the cider tax,
in which he was very unpopular, observing himself burning in effigy, he
stopped his coach, and giving a purse of guineas to the mob, said,
"Pray, gentlemen, if you will burn me, burn me like a gentleman; do not
let me linger; I see you have _not faggots enough_." This good-humored
speech appeased the people, who gave him three cheers, and let him pass.

        DCXLIII.--FEAR OF EDUCATING WOMEN.

THERE is a very general notion, that if you once suffer women to eat of
the tree of knowledge, the rest of the family will very soon be reduced
to the same kind of aerial and unsatisfactory diet.

        DCXLIV.--A-LIQUID.

PORSON, once conversing with a party of congenial friends, seemed at a
loss for _something_ to cheer the inward man, and drawing his glass
mechanically towards him, he took up one bottle, and then another,
without finding wherewithal to replenish. A friend observing this, he
inquired what the professor was in search of. "Only _a-liquid_!"
answered Porson.

        DCXLV.--TOP AND BOTTOM.

THE following playful colloquy in verse took place at a dinner-table
between Sir George Rose and James Smith, in allusion to Craven Street,
Strand, where he resided:--

    _J.S._--"At the top of the street ten attorneys find place,
                  And ten dark coal barges are moored:
                  Fly, honesty, fly, to some safer retreat,
                  For there's _craft_ in the river, and _craft_ in the
                      street."

    _Sir G.R._--"Why should Honesty fly to some safer retreat,
                       From attorneys and barges, od rot 'em?
                     For the attorneys are _just_ at the top of the street,
                       And the barges are _just_ at the bottom."

        DCXLVI.--A SUGGESTIVE PRESENT.

JERROLD and a company of literary friends were out in the country. In
the course of their walk, they stopped to notice the gambols of an ass's
foal. A very sentimental poet present vowed that he should like to send
the little thing as a present to his mother. "Do," Jerrold replied,
"and tie a piece of paper round its neck, bearing this motto,--'When
this you see, remember me.'"

        DCXLVII.--A NEW DISGUISE.

THE Duke of Norfolk of Foote's time was much addicted to the bottle. On
a masquerade night, he asked Foote what _new_ character he should go in.
"Go sober!" said Foote.

        DCXLVIII.--WET AND DRY.

DR. MACKNIGHT, who was a better commentator than preacher, having been
caught in a shower of rain, entered the vestry soaked with wet. As the
time drew on for divine service he became much distressed, and
ejaculated over and over, "O, I wish that I was dry! Do you think I'm
dry? Do you think I'm dry eneuch noo?" To this his jocose colleague, Dr.
Henry, the historian, returned: "Bide a wee, doctor, and ye'se be _dry
eneuch_ when ye get into the _pu'pit_."

        DCXLIX.--RUM AND WATER.

A CERTAIN Scotchman, who is not a member of any temperance society,
being asked by a dealer to purchase some fine old Jamaica, dryly
answered, "To tell you the truth, Mr. ----, I canna' say I'm very fond
of rum; for if I tak' mair than _six_ tum'lers, it's very apt to gi'e me
a headache."

        DCL.--A BUDGET OF BLUNDERS.

PERHAPS the best concentrated specimen of blunders, such as occur in all
nations, but which, of course, are fathered upon Paddy wholesale, as if
by common consent, is the following:--

_Copy of a Letter, written during the Rebellion by Sir ----, an Irish
Member of Parliament, to his friend in London._

MY DEAR SIR,--

Having now a little peace and quietness, I sit down to inform you of the
dreadful bustle and confusion we are in from these blood-thirsty
rebels, most of whom are, I'm glad to say, killed and dispersed. We are
in a pretty mess, can get nothing to eat, nor wine to drink, except
whiskey, and when we sit down to dinner we are obliged to keep both
hands armed. Whilst I write this, I hold a sword in each hand and a
pistol in the other. I concluded from the beginning that this would be
the end of it, and I see I was right, for it is not half over yet. At
present there are such goings on that everything is at a standstill. I
should have answered your letter a fortnight ago, but I did not receive
it till this morning. Indeed, scarcely a mail arrives safe without being
robbed. No longer ago than yesterday the coach with the mails from
Dublin was robbed near this town; the bags had been judiciously left
behind for fear of accident, and by good luck there was nobody in it but
two outside passengers, who had nothing for the thieves to take. Last
Thursday notice was given that a gang of rebels was advancing here under
the French standard, but they had no colors, nor any drums except
bagpipes. Immediately every man in the place, including women and
children, ran out to meet them. We soon found our force much too little;
we were far too near to think of retreating. Death was in every face,
but to it we went, and, by the time half our little party were killed,
we began to be all alive again. Fortunately the rebels had no guns,
except pistols, cutlasses, and pikes, and as we had plenty of muskets
and ammunition, we put them all to the sword. Not a soul of them
escaped, except some that were drowned in an adjacent bog, and, in a
very short time, nothing was to be heard but silence. Their uniforms
were all different colors, but mostly green. After the action we went to
rummage a sort of camp, which they had left behind them. All we found
was a few pikes, without heads, a parcel of empty bottles full of water,
and a bundle of French commissions filled up with Irish names. Troops
are now stationed all round the country, which exactly squares with my
ideas.

I have only time to add that I am in great haste.

  Yours truly,
  ---- ----.

P.S.--If you do not receive this, of course it must have miscarried,
therefore I beg you will write to let me know.

        DCLI.--IMPROMPTU.

(Spoken between the Third and Fourth Acts of Cowley's Tragedy "The Fall
of Sparta.")

    SO great thy art, that while we viewed,
      Of Sparta's sons the lot severe,
    We caught the Spartan fortitude,
      And saw their woes without _a tear_!

        DCLII.--WILKES AND A LIBERTY.

SO ungrateful was the sound of "Wilkes and No. 45" (the famous number of
the "North Briton") to George III., that about 1772, George IV., then a
mere boy, having been chid for some fault, and wishing to take his
boyish revenge, stole to the king's apartment, and shouting at the door,
"Wilkes and No. 45 for ever!" ran away.

        DCLIII.--A STRANGE OBJECTION.

A GREAT drinker being at table, they offered him grapes at dessert.
"Thank you!" said he, pushing back the plate, "I don't take my _wine in
pills_!"

        DCLIV.--THE TIMIDITY OF BEAUTY.

IT'S a great comfort for timid men, that beauty, like the elephant,
doesn't know its strength. Otherwise, how it would trample upon
us!--D.J.

        DCLV.--MAKING A CLEARANCE.

AT Glasgow forty years ago, when the time had come for the _bowl_ to be
introduced, some jovial and thirsty member of the company proposed as a
toast, "The trade of Glasgow and _the outward bound_;" the hint was
taken, and silks and satins moved off to the drawing-room.

        DCLVI.--A SMART ONE-POUNDER.

WHILE the "Beggar's Opera" was under rehearsal at the Haymarket Theatre,
in 1823, Miss Paton, who was to play the part of _Polly_, expressed a
wish to sing the air of "The Miser thus a Shilling sees," a note higher;
to which the stage-manager immediately replied, "Then, Miss, you must
sing, 'The Miser thus a _Guinea_ sees.'"

        DCLVII.--RESIGNATION.

AN actor, on his benefit night, having a very limited audience, when he
came to the often-quoted passage, "'Tis not in mortals to command
success, We'll do more, Sempronius--we'll deserve it," heaved a deep
sigh, and substituted for the last line, "We'll do more,
Sempronius,--we'll do _without_ it."

        DCLVIII.--DELPINI'S REMONSTRANCE.

DELPINI had repeatedly applied to the Prince of Wales to speak to the
Lord Chamberlain to grant him a license for a play at the Little Theatre
in the Haymarket, always pleading poverty: at last, when he once met his
Royal Highness coming out of Carlton House, he exclaimed, "Ah, votre
Altesse! mon Prince! If you do not speak to Milor Chamberlain for pauvre
Delpini, I must go to your _papa's_ bench."

        DCLIX.--A PHONETIC JOKE.

A LITTLE girl playing at the game of "I love my love with an A," &c.,
having arrived at the letter Z, displayed her orthographical
acquirements by taking her lover to the sign of the Zebra, and treating
him to _Zeidlitz_ powders.

        DCLX.--PURE FOLKS.

VERY pure folks won't be held up to the light and shown to be very dirty
bottles, without paying back hard abuse for the impertinence.

        DCLXI.--GOOD NEWS FOR THE CHANCELLOR.

WE have to congratulate the Right Honorable Lord Brougham on the
following piece of intelligence: "_Yarn_ has risen one farthing a
pound." His lordship's long speeches are of course at a premium.--G. a'B.

        DCLXII.--JUSTICE NOT ALWAYS BLIND.

WESTMACOTT, of the _Age_ paper, having libelled a gentleman, was well
thrashed for his pains. Declaring afterwards that he would have justice
done him, a person present remarked, "That has been done _already_." A
similar story is told of Voltaire and the Regent of France.

        DCLXIII.--KITCHENER AND COLMAN.

THE most celebrated wits and _bon vivants_ of the day graced the
dinner-table of the late Dr. Kitchener, and, _inter alia_, the late
George Colman, who was an especial favorite; his interpolation of a
little monosyllable in a written admonition which the Doctor caused to
be placed on the mantlepiece of the dining parlor will never be
forgotten, and was the origin of such a drinking bout as was seldom
permitted under his roof. The caution ran thus: "Come at seven, go at
eleven." Colman briefly altered the sense of it; for, upon the Doctor's
attention being directed to the card, he read, to his astonishment,
"Come at seven, _go it_ at eleven!" which the guests did, and the claret
was punished accordingly.

        DCLXIV.--A SPARE MAN.

JERROLD said to a very thin man, "Sir, you are like a pin, but without
the head or the point."

        DCLXV.--A LONG BILL.

WHEN Foote was at Salt Hill, he dined at the Castle Inn, and when
Partridge, the host, produced his bill, which was rather exorbitant, the
comedian asked him his name. "Partridge, sir," said he. "Partridge! It
should have been Woodcock, _by the length of your bill_!"

        DCLXVI.--ROYAL PUN.

WHEN a noble Admiral of the White, well known for his gallant spirit,
his gentlemanly manners, and real goodness of heart, was introduced to
William the Fourth, to return thanks for his promotion, the cheerful and
affable monarch, looking at his hair, which was almost as white as the
newly-fallen snow, jocosely exclaimed, "White at _the main_, Admiral!
white at _the main_!"

        DCLXVII.--A COLORABLE RESEMBLANCE.

TWO silly brothers, twins, who were very much about town in Theodore
Hook's time, took pains, by dressing alike, to deceive their friends as
to their identity. Tom Hill (the original of Paul Pry) was expatiating
upon these modern Dromios, at which Hook grew impatient. "Well," said
Hill, "you will admit they resemble each other wonderfully: they are as
like as _two peas_."--"They are," retorted Hook, "and quite as _green_."

        DCLXVIII.--SPRANGER BARRY.

THIS celebrated actor was, perhaps, in no part so excellent as that of
_Romeo_, for which he was particularly fitted by an uncommonly handsome
and commanding person, and a silver-toned voice. At the time that he
attracted the town to Covent Garden by his excellent performance of his
part, Garrick found it absolutely necessary to divide the attention of
the public by performing _Romeo_ himself at Drury Lane. He wanted the
natural advantages of Barry, and, great as he was, would, perhaps, have
willingly avoided such a contention. This, at least, seems to have been
a prevailing opinion; for in the garden scene, when _Juliet_ in
soliloquy exclaims, "_O Romeo, Romeo_, wherefore art thou _Romeo_?" an
auditor archly replied, aloud, "_Because Barry has gone to the other
house_."

        DCLXIX.--BAD SPORT.

MR. HARE, formerly the envoy to Poland, had apartments in the same house
with Mr. Fox, and like his friend Charles, had frequent visits from
bailiffs. One morning, as he was looking out of his window, he observed
two of them at the door. "Pray, gentlemen," says he, "are you _Fox_
hunting, or _Hare_ hunting this morning?"

        DCLXX.--MEASURE FOR MEASURE.

THE amiable Mrs. W---- always insists that her friends who take grog
shall mix _equal_ quantities of spirits and water, though she never
observes the rule for herself. A writer of plays having once made a
glass under her directions, was asked by the lady, "Pray, sir, is it _As
you like it_?"--"No, madam," replied the dramatist; "it is _Measure for
Measure_."

        DCLXXI.--A PROBABILITY.

JONATHAN and his friend Paddy were enjoying a delightful ride, when they
came in sight of what is very unusual in any civilized state
now-a-days--an old gallows or gibbet. This suggested to the American the
idea of being witty at the expense of his Irish companion. "You see
_that_, I calculate," said he nasally, pointing to the object just
mentioned; "and now where would _you_ be if the gallows had its
due?"--"Riding _alone_," coolly replied Paddy.

        DCLXXII.--LEGAL ADULTERATION.

SEVERAL publicans being assembled at Malton, in Yorkshire, in order to
renew their licenses to retail beer, the worthy magistrate addressed one
of them (an old woman), and said he trusted she did not put any
pernicious ingredients into the liquor; to which she immediately
replied: "I'll assure your worship there's naught pernicious put into
our barrels that I know of, but the _exciseman's stick_."

        DCLXXIII.--VOX ET PRÆTEREA NIHIL.

    "I WONDER if Brougham thinks as much as he talks,"
        Said a punster perusing a trial;
    "I vow, since his lordship was made Baron Vaux,
        He's been _Vaux et præterea nihil_."

        DCLXXIV.--SALISBURY CATHEDRAL SPIRE.

A SEXTON in Salisbury Cathedral was telling Charles Lamb that eight
people had dined at the pointed top of the spire; upon which Lamb
remarked that they must have been very _sharp set_.

        DCLXXV.--AN ACT OF JUSTICE.

DR. BARTON, being in company with Dr. Nash, who had just printed two
heavy folios on the antiquities of Worcestershire, remarked that the
publication was deficient in several respects, adding, "Pray, doctor,
are you not a justice of the peace?"--"I am," replied Nash. "Then," said
Barton, "I advise you to send your work to the _house of correction_."

        DCLXXVI.--LISTON'S DREAM.

    AS Liston lay wrapt in delicious repose,
    Most harmoniously playing a tune with his nose,