Sunday in the same meeting-house; and the nabers used to observe:
"How thick the Wards and Peasleys air!" It was a surblime site, in
the spring of the year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine)
with their gowns pin'd up so they couldn't sile 'em, affecshuntly
Bilin sope together & aboozin the nabers. Altho' I hanker'd intensly
arter the objeck of my affecshuns, I darsent tell her of the fires
which was rajin in my manly Buzzum. I'd try to do it, but my tung
would kerwollop up agin the roof of my mouth & stick thar, like deth
to a deseast Afrikan, or a country postmaster to his offiss, while
my hart whanged agin my ribs like a old-fashioned wheat Flale agin a
barn floor. 'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht,
and nary zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane on
the fense of her father's pastur. We'd bin rompin threw the woods,
kullin flowrs, & drivin the woodchuck from his Native Lair (so to
speak) with long sticks. Wall, we sot thar on the fense, a swingin
our feet two and fro, blushin as red as the Baldinsville skool-house
when it was fust painted, and looking very simple, I make no doubt.
My left arm was ockepied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my
rite was wounded lovingly round her waste. I cleared my throat, and
tremblinly sed: "Betsy, your'e a Gazelle." I thought that air was
putty fine. I waited to see what effect it would have upon her. It
evidently didn't fetch her, for she up and sed: "Your'e a sheep!" Sez
I: "Betsy, I think very muckly of you." "I don't believe a word you
say, so there now, cum!" with which obsarvashun she hitched away from
me. "I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, "so that you could
see sum of my feelins. Thare's fire enough within," sed I, striking
my buzzum with my fist, "to bile all the corn beef and turnips in
the naberhood. Veersoovius and Critter ain't a circumstance!" She
bow'd her hed down, and commenced chewin the strings to her bonnet.
"Ar, could you know the sleepless nites I worry threw with on your
account; how vittles has seized to be attractive to me, & how my
lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me. Gaze on this wastin form,
and these 'ere sunken cheeks." I should have continured on in this
strane probly for sum time, but unfortnitly I lost one ballanse and
fell over into the pasture. Ker smash tearin my close, and seveerly
damagin myself ginerally. Betsy Jane sprang to my assistance in dubble
quick time, and dragged me 4th. Then, drawin herself up to her full
hite, sed: "I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite
strate out what your'e drivin at. If you mean gettin hitched, I'M
IN!" I considered that air enuff for all practical purposes,
and we proceeded immejitly to the parson's, and was made 1 that very
nite. I've parst through many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy Jane
has bin troo as steel. By attending strickly to bizness I've amarsed
a handsome Pittance. No man on this footstool can rise and git up &
say I ever knowingly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree
that my Show is ekalled by few and excelled by none, embracin, as it
does, a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in
great profushun, a endless variety of life-size wax figgers, & the
only traned Kangaroo in Ameriky--the mos amoozin little cuss ever
introjuced to a discriminatin public, at the small charge of 15 sents.

COLONEL CROCKETT AND THE 'COON.--633.

I discovered a long time ago that a 'coon couldn't stand my grin. I
could bring one tumbling down from the highest tree. I never wasted
powder and lead when I wanted one of the creatures. Well, as I was
walking out one night, a few hundred yards from my house, looking
carelessly about me, I saw a 'coon planted upon one of the highest
limbs of an old tree. The night was very moony and clear, and old
Ratler was with me; but Ratler won't bark at a 'coon--he's a queer
dog in that way. So I thought I'd bring the lark down in the usual
way, _by a grin_. I set myself--and, after grinning at the 'coon a
reasonable time, found that he didn't come down. I wondered what was
the reason, and I took another steady grin at him. Still he was there.
It made me a little mad. So I felt round, and got an old limb about
five feet long, and planting one end upon the ground, I placed my chin
upon the other, and took a rest. I then grinned my best for about five
minutes, but the cursed 'coon hung on. So, finding I could not bring
him down by grinning, I determined to have him, for I thought he must
be a droll chap. I went over to the house, got my axe, returned to the
tree, saw the 'coon still there, and began to cut away. Down it come,
and I run forward; but d----n the 'coon was there to be seen. I found
that what I had taken for one was a large knot upon a branch of the
tree, and, upon looking at it closely, I saw that _I had grinned all
the bark off, and left the knot perfectly smooth_.

MODESTY.--634.

"Modesty," says a Yankee editor, "is a quality that highly adorns a
woman, but ruins a man."

SELF-EVIDENT KNOWLEDGE.--635.

A Yankee soldier who read his name in the list of deaths at an
hospital, wrote home that he didn't believe it. In fact, he knew the
statement was a falsehood as soon as he read it.

OBSTINACY CURED.--636.

A juror held out against his eleven companions in Santa Cruz,
California. The others, after trying all other means, finally agreed
to send in a verdict of "Guilty," with the addition, that the
obstinate member was a great rascal, and confederate of the prisoner.
He thereupon gave in.

NERVE OF FEELING.--637.

A Southern paper says that "a Yankee's chief nerve of feeling is in
his pocket."--"A rebel is more apt to feel in his neighbour's pocket,"
replies a Northern journal.

TWO MUCH ICE.--638.

A correspondent tells of a chap who was drinking at a bar, and withal
being tolerably tight, after several ineffectual attempts to raise
the glass to his lips, succeeded in getting it high enough to pour
the contents inside his shirt-collar, and set the glass down with the
exclamation, "That's good, but a little too much ice, landlord!"

ALL-HEALING.--639.

A Mormon, named Nichols, made a nerve and bone all-healing salve,
and thought he would experiment a little with it. He first cut off
his dog's tail, and applied some to the stump. A new tail grew out
immediately. He then applied some to the piece of the tail which he
cut off, and a new dog grew out. He did not know which dog was which.

PUTTING A GOOD FACE ON IT.--640.

A writer in the _Chicago Post_ describes how he got out of a bad
scrape in a police-court:--"The next morning the judge of the
police-court sent for me. I went down, and he received me cordially.
Said he heard of the wonderful things I had accomplished by knocking
down five persons, and assaulting six others, and was proud of me.
I was a promising young man, and all that. Then he offered a toast,
'Guilty or Not Guilty?' I responded in a brief but elegant speech,
setting forth the importance of the occasion that had brought us
together. After the usual ceremonies, I was requested to lend the city
ten dollars."

OBEYING ORDERS.--641.

An officer down in Georgia tells the following story:--"One night
General ---- was out on the line, and observed a light by the side of
the mountain opposite. Thinking it was a signal light of the enemy,
he remarked to his artillery officer that a hole could easily be put
through it. Whereupon the officer, turning to the corporal in charge
of the gun, said, 'Corporal, do you see that light?' 'Yes, sir.' 'Put
a hole through it,' ordered the captain. The corporal sighted the gun,
and when all was ready he looked up and said, 'Captain, that's the
moon!' 'Don't care for that,' was the captain's ready response, 'put a
hole through it any how.'"

NOT EXACTLY.--642.

An Indiana man was travelling down the Ohio in a steamer, with a mare
and a two-year-old colt, when by a sudden career of the boat, all
three were tilted into the river. The Indiana man, as he rose puffing
and blowing above water, caught hold of the tail of the colt, not
having a doubt that the natural instinct of the animal would take
him ashore. The old mare took a direct line for the shore; but the
frightened colt swam lustily down the current with the owner. "Let
go the colt and hang on the old mare," shouted some of his friends.
"Pooh, pooh!" exclaimed the Indiana man, spouting the water from his
mouth, and shaking his head like a Newfoundland dog; "it's mighty
fine, you telling me to leave go the colt; but to a man that can't
swim, this ain't exactly the time for changing horses!"

THE ANGLER CAUGHT.--643.

"In the summer of 1823," says an American writer, "when a mere lad, I
was at Swift's, in Sandwich. My then schoolmaster was there also, and
from him I had the tale. John Brown was the well-known _sobriquet_
of the fisherman who attended amateur anglers on their excursions.
John was not remarkable for his veracity, but quite otherwise, when
his success with the hook and line was the 'subject of his story.'
One day he was out with Daniel Webster. Both were standing in the
brook, patient waiters for a bite, when Mr. Webster told John how he
caught a large, a very large, trout on a former time. 'Your honour,'
said John, 'that was very well for a gentleman. But once, when I was
standing down by yonder bush, I took a fish, weighing'--I forget how
much, but of course many ounces more than the great lawyer's big fish.
'Ah! John, John,' exclaimed Mr. Webster, 'you are an am_phib_ious
animal--_you lie in the water, and you lie out of it_!'"

SPLENDID FIRING.--644.

They have pretty good marksmen in Vermont. Brown was telling Smith,
of New Hampshire, the skill of a Green Mountain hunter. "Why," said
he, "I have seen him take two partridges and let them both go--one in
front and the other behind him; and he would fire and kill the one
in front, and then whirl round and kill the other." "Did he have a
double-barrelled gun?" enquired Smith. "Of course he did." "Well,"
replied Smith, "I saw a man do the same thing with a _single-barrel_."
Brown didn't believe the thing possible, and said so.

CHARGED AND DISCHARGED.--645.

A fellow charged with stealing a hoe was discharged upon trial, it
being proved that the article taken was an axe. The affair turned out
a regular _ho-ax_.

COLONEL CROCKETT.--646.

Said he, "And who are you?" "I'm that same David Crockett, fresh from
the backwoods, half horse, half alligator, a little touched with the
snapping turtle; can wade the Mississipi, leap the Ohio, ride upon a
streak of lightning, and slip without a scratch down a honey locust;
can whip my weight in wild cats--and if any gentleman pleases, for a
ten dollar bill, he may throw in a panther--hug a bear too close for
comfort, and eat any man opposed to General Jackson."

AGRICULTURAL RETURNS.--647.

A farmer in the West once planted his onions close to his poppies, and
the consequence was they grew so sleepy that he never could get them
out of their beds.

FRANKLIN AND HANCOCK.--648.

"We must be unanimous," observed Hancock, on the occasion of signing
the declaration of American Independence; "there must be no pulling
different ways." "Yes," observed Franklin, "We must all hang together,
or most assuredly we shall all hang separately."

HENRY CLAY.--649.

The following description of Henry Clay appeared in the _Knickerbocker
Magazine_; it is needless to say it is by a Western man:--"He is a
man, and no mistake! Nature made him with her _sleeves rolled up_."

NATURAL MISTAKE.--650.

A gentleman at the Astor House table, New York, asked the person
sitting next to him if he would please to pass the mustard. "Sir,"
said the man, "do you mistake me for a waiter?" "Oh no, Sir," was the
reply, "I mistook you for a gentleman."

_LITERATURE._--651.

An American writer says, "Poetry is the flour of literature; prose is
the corn, potatoes, and meat; satire is the aqua-fortis; wit is the
spice and pepper; love letters are the honey and sugar; and letters
containing remittances are the apple-dumplings."

THOMAS JEFFERSON.--652.

Thomas Jefferson, when Minister to France, being presented at Court,
some eminent functionary remarked, "You replace Dr. Franklin, Sir." "I
_succeed_ Dr. Franklin," was Mr. Jefferson's prompt reply, "no man can
_replace_ him."

BORROWING THE BABY.--653.

All owners of interesting children will be amused by the following,
from the _Boston Daily American_:--A gentleman and lady of that
city were blessed with a beautiful child about a year old, which
attracted so much attention from their neighbours, that the young
ladies opposite frequently sent over to "borrow the baby." After being
obliged to send for the child several times, Mr. ----, on coming home
to dinner one day, got out of temper on finding it gone as usual.
"There, Jane," said he, "go over to the Misses ---- and get the baby;
give them my compliments, and tell them I wish they had a baby of
their own, and were not obliged to borrow."

FORCIBLE EVICTION.--654.

Meeting an American friend travelling in the United States, I enquired
whither he was going? "Why," said he, "I guess I'm going to take
possession of an estate of mine, and I calculate I will have to shoot
down my predecessors."

BOXES AND PIT.--655.

Wemyss, a famous theatrical manager in Philadelphia, quitted the
business, and opened instead a large store for the sale of patent
medicines. A friend dryly remarked that he would no doubt be
successful in filling both _boxes_ and _pit_.

A SWIFT HORSE.--656.

The _Maine Farmer_ tells a number of tough stories about a man whom
it calls "Neverbeat." Here is one:--A gentleman was boasting in the
presence of Neverbeat about the speed of his horse, which, he said,
would trot a mile inside of three minutes, and follow it for three
miles. "A mile inside of three minutes aint much to brag about,"
said Neverbeat. "Why, the other day I was up to S----, sixteen miles
distant; just as I started for home, a shower came sweeping on. The
rain struck in the back part of the waggon; and the moment it struck,
I hit old Kate a cut with the whip, away she trotted, scarcely
touching her fore feet to the ground. She kept just nip and nip with
the shower. _The waggon was filled with water, but not a drop fell on
me._"

PASSING THE COW TO THE CALF.--657.

An American dandy who wanted the milk passed to him at an hotel, thus
asked for it: "Landlady, please to pass your cow down this way." The
landlady thus retorted: "Waiter, take this _cow_ down to where the
_calf_ is bleating."

NATURE AND ART.--658.

An American, fresh from the magnificent woods and rough clearings,
was one day visiting the owner of a beautiful seat in Brooklyn;
and, walking with him through a little grove, out of which all the
underbrush had been cleared, paths had been nicely cut and gravelled,
and the rocks covered with woodbine, suddenly stopped, and, admiring
the beauty of the scene, lifted up his hands and exclaimed: "This I
like! This is Nature--_with her hair combed_."

NEARING IT BY DEGREES.--659.

"Mrs. Green," said a tolerably dressed female, entering a grocery
store, in which were several customers, "have you any fresh-corned
pork?" "Yes, ma'am." "How much is this sugar a pound?" "One shilling,
ma'am." "Let me have," she continued, lowering her voice, "half a pint
of gin, and charge it as sugar on the book."

AN APT PUPIL.--660.

A farmer once hired a Vermonter to assist him in drawing logs. The
Yankee, when there was a log to lift, generally contrived to secure
the smallest end, for which the farmer chastised him, and told him
always to take the butt end. Dinner came and with it a sugar-loaf
Indian pudding. Jonathan sliced off a generous portion of the largest
part, giving the farmer the wink, and exclaimed: "_Always take the
butt end._"

POETS.--661.

I never seen a poet that warn't as poor as Job's turkey, or a church
mouse; nor a she-poet that her shoes didn't go down to heel, and her
stockings looked as if they wanted darnin'; for its all cry and little
wool with poets.--_Sam Slick._

GIN AND WATER.--662.

"Mister, your sign has fallen down!" cried a temperance man to a
grog-shop keeper, before whose door a drunken man was prostrate.
We don't know, says a paper, whether this temperance man was the
same into whose store a customer reeled, exclaiming, "Mr. ----, do
you--keep--a-ny--thing--good to take here?" "Yes, we have excellent
cold water; the best thing in the world to take." "Well, I know
it," was the reply, "there is no one--thing--that's done so much
for--navigation--as that."

THE "STEAL PEN."--663.

A Western editor complains that all the good things in his paper are
cut and inserted in other papers, without acknowledgment of the source
whence they are obtained. He says, "they do not render unto scissors
the things that are scissors'."

A PILE OF JOKES.--664.

Speaking of wags--what is more waggish than a dog's tail when he is
pleased? Speaking of tails--we always like those that end well: Hogg's
for instance. Speaking of hogs--we saw one of those animals the other
day lying in the gutter, and in the one opposite a well-dressed man;
the first one had a ring in his nose, and the latter a ring on his
finger. The man was drunk; the hog was sober. "A hog is known by the
company he keeps," thought we; so thought Mr. Porker, and off he went.
Speaking of "going off" puts us in mind of a gun we once owned--it
"went off" one night, and we have not seen it since. Speaking of guns
reminds us of powder--we saw a lady yesterday with so much of it on
her face that she was refused admission into an omnibus for fear of an
explosion.

OBITUARY NOTICE.--665.

The _Christian Index_ (U. S.) thus prefaces an obituary:--"But a
week since we recorded the death of one who was an old father in the
church, a careful reader of the _Index_, and who paid for three papers
in advance."

AN INFANT TEACHER.--666.

Under the title of "An Odd Advertisement," a New York paper publishes
the following:--"A young lady, perfectly competent, wishes to form
a class of young mothers and nurses, to instruct them in the art of
talking to infants in such a manner as will interest and please them."

QUADRUPLICATED PUN.--667.

A comedian at Boston, by way of puff for his approaching benefit,
published the following lines:--

     "Dear Public, you and I of late
       Have dealt so much in fun;
     I'll crack you now a monstrous great
       Quadruplicated pun!

     "Like a _grate full_ of coals I'll glow,
       A _great full_ house to see;
     And if I am not _grateful_, too,
       A _great fool_ I must be!"

BUCOLIC STUPIDITY.--668.

We saw a venerable looking cow yesterday, says the _Cincinnati
Herald_, eating pine sawdust, under the impression that it was bran.
She didn't find out her mistake until night, when it was found that
she gave turpentine instead of milk.

LIFE IN KENTUCKY.--669.

The following story of "Life in Kentucky" being in print ought, of
course to be believed:--"Early one morning the shouts and cries of a
female were heard. All ran to the spot. When they arrived they saw a
man and a bear engaged in combat. They had it hip and thigh, up and
down, over and under, the man's wife standing by and hallooing 'fair
play.' The company ran up and insisted on parting them. 'No, no,' said
the woman, 'let them fight it out; for it's the first fight I ever saw
that I didn't care which whipped!'"

AMERICAN PROVERBS AND SIMILES.--670.

      AMBITION is as hollow as the soul of an echo.

      TIDE, steamboats, and soda-water will wait for no
      one.

      BIG feet, like a leather shirt, are more for use
      than ornament.

      MONEY slips from the fingers like a water-melon
      seed, travels without legs, and flies without wings.

      IT is the lot of humanity to err at times, as
      the drunken man said when he mistook the pig-pen for his
      bedroom.

      A GOOD deed will stick out, with an inclination to
      spread, like the tail of a peacock.

      YOU might as well undertake to whistle a
      grape-vine from a white oak, as to induce a girl to
      relinquish her lover.

SIMILES.--671.

AS big as all out of doors.
AS dry as the clerk of a lime-kiln.
AS long as a thanksgiving sermon.
AS crooked as a Virginian fence.
AS straight as a loon's leg.
AS straight as a shingle.
AS sharp as the little end of nothing.
AS slick as greased lightning.
AS swelling as a basket of chips.
AS happy as a clam at high water.
AS tight as the bark of a tree.
AS crazy as a bed-bug.
AS mad as all wrath.
AS wrathy as a militia officer on a training-day.
AS proud as a tame turkey.
AS melancholy as a Quaker meeting-house by moonlight.
AS useless as whistling psalms to a dead horse.
LIKE all nature.
LIKE all fury.
LIKE all possessed.
THRASHING round, like a short-tailed bull in fly-time.
HEAD and tail up, like chicken cocks in laying-time.

INDEX.

                       PAGE

Absence of Mind, 50, 52, 85

Abstraction, 187

Adopting the Other Course, 158

Advantage of Burning Two Candles, 2

Advice to Doctors, 179

Advice to Parents, 49

After Joining Church, 43

Agreeable Customer, An, 19

Agreeing with all the Girls, 134

Agricultural Returns, 202

Aids to Memory, 184

All-Healing, 200

All Human, 87

All Well, 41

Amende Honourable, 177

American Competition, 152

American Curiosity, 176

American Definitions, 152

American Estimate of their Clergy, 9

American Help, An, 174

American Notion of Villany, 94

American Platform, 86

American Proverbs, 207

American Similes, 207

American Soil, 149

"And That's a Fact", 104

Angler Caught, The, 201

Another Burst of Eloquence, 109

Another Discovery, 96

Answered at Once, 189

Answering an Advertisement, 168

Antediluvian Diet, 61

Any Better than None, 154

Any Relations, 140

Appropriate Gift, An, 115

Apt Pupil, An, 205

Artistic Execution, 146

Awkward Coincidence, 95

Baby Story, A, 16

Bachelorism a Luxury, 22

Backwoods Conversation, 173

Big Puff, A, 67

Billings, Josh., Insures his Life, 83

Billings, Josh., Sayings of, 99, 196

Billings, Josh., on Horses, 175

Billy Bray, 28

Black Bull, A, 160

Blind Phrenologist of St, Louis, 135

Bonnets, 194

Borrowing the Baby, 203

Boxes and Pit, 204

"Braggin' saves Advertisin'", 113

Breakfast in Bed, 129

Brigham Young's Wives, 91

Bright and Blue, 186

Brother of Four Million Children, 63

Bucolic Stupidity, 207

"Bus" in the Cars, A, 132

Business and Affliction, 5

Candid Parson, A, 12

Canine Resemblance, 69

Captain's Pudding, The, 123

Catching, 184

Caught Unawares, 32

Cause and Effect, 182

Cautious Witness, A, 72

Changes, 141

Charged and Discharged, 202

Chasing a Locomotive, 135

Cheap Treat, A, 83

Chickens in Tennessee, The, 21

Citizen of all the States, A, 30

Claiming Exemption, 122

Clay, Henry, 203

Clergyman and the Lawyer, 110

Climacteric Sublimity, 107

Close Witness, A, 88

Cold Picture, A, 37

Colonel answered, The, 12

Colt's Arms _v._ Colt's Legs, 126

Columbus and the Egg, 117

Columbus's Discovery, 106

Complimentary, 168

Conclusive, 114

Condensed Novel, A, 25

Conditional Forgiveness, 87

Confession of a Clergyman, 95

Confidence Necessary, 189

Cool Customer, A, 22

Coolness, 106

Cords of Hymen, The, 82

Corking up Daylight, 16

Critical, 162

Criminal didn't see it, 72

Crockett, Colonel, and the 'Coon, 199

Crockett, Colonel, 202

Crooked Stick, The, 115

Cross Purposes, 20

Couldn't help it, in fact, 43

Couldn't make an Impression, 108

Couple of Reasons too many, A, 3

Cuff's Cabin, 157

Cure for Fainting, 82

Curing Two Afflictions, 164

Curiosities of American Speech, 55

Curious Event, 57

Cute Expedient, 185

Cutting, 168

Damaging the Engine, 128

Darkie's Wish, The, 168

Date Wanted, The, 105

"Dat's de Mystery", 126

Debt of Nature, The, 160

"De Dissolution of Coparsnips", 17

Delicate Cut, A, 128

Democrats _v._ Republicans, 102

Demosthenes not Dead, 33

Diamond Cut Diamond, 54

Didn't care, then, if he did, 140

Dinner, but no Breakfast, 159

Disconsolate, 147

Disinterested Lieutenant, A, 122

Distant Friend, A, 167

Domestic Economy, 50

Double Difficulty, A, 143

Doubtful, 144

Dow, Junior, 84

Do you Smoke?, 78

Drawing the Long Bow, 7

Dying Soldier and his Mother, 68

Dry Joke in a Dry Goods' Store, A, 26

Dull Members, 171

Early Rising in Connecticut, 1

Eclipsing Himself, 151

Editorial Fix, 110

Editorial Horse, An, 102

Editorial Tribulations, 54

Editors Exchanging Compliments, 92

Editors' Wives, 142

Effective Remonstrance, 147

Effect of Eloquence, The, 80

Egg "Brof", 3

Either Way will do, 96

Elbow-Room Scarce, 3

Emerson and Parker, 101

English Grammar, 40

Enthusiastic Newsvendor, 119

Epigram on Lincoln, 149

Everett and Judge Story, 163

Excessive Politeness, 53

Excuse for Drinking, 142

Exempt decidedly, 97

Extraordinary Absence of Mind, 102

Extraordinary Crow, 49

Extraordinary Motto, 52

Eye to Business, An, 130

Failed for a Good Reason, 19

Fair Retort, A, 161

Falling in Love, 171

Familiar Acquaintance, 151

Fancy her Feelings, 85

Feeling her Way, 18

Female Admirable Crichton, 102

Fine Stream, A, 196

Fine Writing, 107

"Fire at the Crisis", 173

Firm Foundation, 187

First Marriage, The, 42

Five Outs and One In, 151

Floating Population, A, 102

Fond of Society, 197

Forcible Eviction, 204

Forensic Eloquence, 18

Forest-Born Orator, A, 70

Forlorn Hope, 146

4-tunate Young Man, A, 2

Four Points of a Case, 2

Franklin, Dr., 161

Franklin and Hancock, 203

Friendly Notice, 185

Gallant Correction, 187

Gem, A, 165

General no Pattern, The, 175

German Wines, 175

Getting down a Ladder, 98

Gin and Water, 205

Gone Home, 137

Good Eyesight, 172

Governor and the Justice, The, 119

Graham System, The, 13

Grandpa's Spectacles, 71

Grant, General, 172

Great Scarcity, 123

Great Traveller, A, 136

Grieving for a Wife, 105

Grim Welcome, 22

Guarded Answer, A, 78

Habitual Thirst, 170

Habits of a Great Man, 28

Half Guilty, 177

Hairs, not Bristles, 60

Happiest of Vowels, The, 117

Hard Feathers, 163

Hard Hearing, 187

Hard Lying, 4

Hard Scrabble, 90

Hard up 73, 144

Having the Coffin Handy, 41

He had him that time, 17

Heady, 172

Heavenly Bodies, The, 117

Heavy Top-Dressing, 60

Height of Meanness, The, 105

Hen Persuaders, 70

Her Marriage Gift, 196

Her Poor Jerry, 130

Highly Probable, 103

His First Step, 64

His Reasons for Leaving, 133

His Wife's Cousin, 66

Holding the Stakes, 74

Homely Flag of Truce, 16

Horrified Dandy, A, 27

Hot Pies, 57

Hotel Accommodation in the South, 81

Hotel Rules at the "Diggins", 79

Household Words, 132

How a "Copperhead" was Shaved, 10

How Ale strengthened him, 67

How Mr. Lincoln shakes Hands, 89

How Sam was Caught, 84

How to do Business, 97

How to get a Seat, 95

How to go Mad, 101

Huggin', 192

Human Nature, 138

Hunting up a Soft Place, 39

I would if I could, 90

Illegible Manuscripts, 88

"I'm the Baggage", 20

In Black and White, 77

In Love with the Devil, 89

Incident and Epigram, An, 137

Inducement to Young People, 102

Inducement Unnecessary, 148

Infant Teacher, An, 206

Infantile Idea of Distance, 126

Inflammable and Dangerous, 51

Ingenious Boot-Black, 35

Inquiring Mind, An, 23

Insinuating Rejoinder, 156

Interesting Announcement, 142

Interesting Experiment, 99

Interesting to the Parties concerned, 14

Interrupting the Sermon, 84

Irish Bull at Bull's Run, An, 131

Irish Exhortation, 89

Irish Negro, 99

It follows, 175

Jefferson, Thomas, 203

Jemmy O'Neil and President Jackson, 61

Jew D'Esprit, A, 157

Job's Patience--as viewed by a Lady, 38

John and the Widdah, 150

Joke by Jenkins, A, 104

Joke by the President, 143

Jonathan's Guess, 178

Jonathan of All Trades, 167

Judge and his Coachman, The, 75

Judgment of Solomon, The, 6

Just got Married, 137

Keen and Significant, 85

Keeping a Secret, 139

Kind and Sympathetic, 138

Kissing by Proxy, 146

Kissing in Wisconsin, 13

Knocking at the Church Door, 24

Knowing and Not Knowing, 197

Knowing Contraband, A, 172

Knowing Juryman, A, 15

Laconic, 184

Lagging Compliment, A, 121

Lapse of Ages, The, 111

Last Compliment, The, 161

Latest Dog Story, 147

Latest Way, The, 136

Law of Compensation, The, 108

Learned Members of the American Legislature, The, 11

Lee, Gen., and a Son of Erin, 125

Lee, Gen., to General Meade, 158

Legal Advice under Singular Circumstances, 79

Legal Toast, A, 86

Legislation, 194

Letter R, The, 130

Letter S, The, 144

Libellous Assertion, 98

Life in Kentucky, 207

Lincoln on Nigger Mathematics, 37

Literature, 203

Littles, 58

Loafer's Hat, The, 160

Lobster Salad, 43

Logs Wanted, 50

Logic of Congress, 126

Lone Nigger, A, 97

Long and Short of it, 106

Longfellow and Longworth, 141

Long Livers, 188

Look on this Picture and on this, 50

Looking for a Situation, 77

Love-Letter Ink, 163

Lovers' Leap, The, 168

Low-necked Frocks, 100

Luminous Evidence, 68

Lying at the Top, The, 113

"Mails" and Females, 107

Major Downing in London, 154

Making a Man's Coffin before his Death, 7

Marriage Notices, 16

Marriage and Single Blessedness, 69

Meade, Gen., to Gen. Lee, 158

Meat Baby, A, 110

Mighty Thick Fog, A, 57

Mild Assertion, A, 185

Military Tactics, 145

Military Veracity of the North, 3

Millennium at Hand, The, 195

Milwaukee Eloquence, 60

Minister's Reception, The, 108

Mixing the Babies, 30

Model Advertisements, 111

Modern Definitions, 187

Modest Linendraper, A, 137

Modesty, 199

Monster Punch-Bowl, 188

Mooted Question, A, 97

More Copy, 189

More Laughable than Logical, 107

Most too Sudden, 140

Much Virtue in an "If", 167

My Pew, Sir!, 6

Naming Children in America, 106

Nature and Art, 155, 205

Natur's Balances, 149

Natural Mistake, 203

"Naygers," The, 183

Nearing it by Degrees, 205

Negro Sermon, 71

Nerve of Feeling, 200

Nest Egg, The, 44

New, if not True, 164

New Dish, A, 160

Newspaper Borrowers, To, 34

New Way to affix a Stamp, 115

Niagara Falls from Four Points of View, 126

Nice Girl, A, 48

Nigger Explanation, 157

No Doubt, 38

No Justice in that Court, 140

No Patients Living, 72

No Place like Home, 128

No Vices, 173

Nonsense about Love, 144

Not Exactly, 201

Not for Want, 121

Not Particular, 112

Not so, 47

Not to be Done, 32

Not to be wondered at, 76

Not Willing to Die, 130

Note by the Editor, 147

Novel Commentary by a Parson, 42

Novel Effect of a Second Marriage, 103

Novel Hint from the Pulpit, 86

Novel Proposition, 141

Novel Telegraphic Message, 129

Novel Verdict, A, 94

Obeying Orders, 201

Obituary Notice, 206

Objecting to Missions, 64

Obstinacy Cured, 200

Ode on Gas, An, 54

Odd Excuse for not being Hung, 19

Odd Names, 79

Of course not, 101

Ohio Democracy, The, 48

"Old Brains", 119

Old Hen and Chickens, The, 21

Old King's Arm, The, 89

Ole Harry and Ole Nick, 46

One of the Press, 109

Only the Eleventh, 1

"Open Thy Cupboard to Me", 148

Openness of Countenance, 74

Origin of "Some Punkin", 62

Original Brother Jonathan, The, 116

Other Impediment, The, 178

Other Side, The, 91

Our Bob, 127

Out-Yankeed, 10

Oysters, 186

"Paddle your own Canoe", 34

Painful Necessity, 189

Painting to the Life, 117

Paper Collars, The, 182

Parental Advice, 42

Parting Friends, 97

Passing the Cow, 204

Pay your Postage, 15

Perils of the Fourth Estate, 111

Perpetual Motion, 152

Personal, 95

Pete's Expectations, 77

Pickled Elephant, 183

Picture Dealing, 179

Pile of Jokes, A, 206

Pithy Letter, 13

Plain enough, 109

Plain Spoken, 165

Plump Question, 81

Poetical Editor, A, 72

Poetical Patchwork, 112

Poetry and Prose, 138

Poets, 205

Pointed Retort, 129

Polite Man, A, 106

Politics, 172

Poor Couple, A, 102

Poor Preaching, 169

Popping Corn, 191

Popping the Question, 70, 165

Powerful Sermon, 192

"Preach Small", 4

Precept and Practice, 161

Presented at Court, 162

President Jackson, 61

President Lincoln, Epigram on, 149

President Lincoln on Nigger Mathematics, 37

President Lincoln's First Political Speech, 151

President and the Marshal, The, 156

President's Voice, The, 10

Presidential Puns, 73

Pretence, 148

Pretended Pelham, A, 159

Printers' Mistakes, 108

Printer's Toast, A, 154

Profit and Loss, 182

Profitless Teaching, 120

Prompt Reply, A, 84

Proverbs, 91

Providing for Bills, 125

Putting a Good Face on it, 200

Putting forward his Creed, 47

Pugnacious Ram, The, 27

Puzzled, 181

Puzzled Judge, A, 34

Quadruplicated Pun, 207

Quaker's Excuse for Firing, 62

Quaker Woman's Sermon, 128

Qualifications for a Parson, 103

Queer Cup of Coffee, A, 7

Queer Queries, 78

Question for Astronomers, A, 104

Question for Question, 166

Quizzing a Witness, 155

Quoting his Father, 118

Rare Printer, A, 51

Rat Story, A, 78

Rather Cute, 86

Real Heavy Gale, A, 114

Reasonable Instinct, 162

Reason for Dear Cream, A, 49

Reasons for not Joining Church, 89

Reasons enough, 100

Rebuke, A, 188

Remarkable Chambermaid, 156

Remarkable Dream, 43

Remarkable Man, A, 52

Remarkable Skipper, 188

Remarkable Tenacity of Life, 8

Remarkably Sociable, 180

Receipt in Full, A, 153

Returned Soldier's Letter, 73

Rivalling Nature, 95

Rough Bedfellow, A, 163

Sad Scarcity of Paper, 105

Saddest Sight, The, 38

Salary not so much an Object, 124

Sambo and Cuffee, 54

Sambo's Suspicion, 127

Sam's Soul, 9

Same Drunk, 184

Satisfactory Reason, A, 88

Saved the Leather, 194

Saving the Truth, 156

Sayings Wise and Witty, 195

Scene in an American Court, 24

Schoolmaster Abroad, The, 167

Scientific Agreement, 38

Scipio's Wife, 68

Scripture Names, 22

Securing his Trunk, 26

Self-evident Knowledge, 199

Sensations of a Down-Easter, 141

Sensible Woman, A, 96

Setting the Time, 180

Settling the Wine Bill, 145

Sharp Child, 80

Sharp Shooting, 1

Shedding their Last Blood, 129

"Shell in de Stove," A, 53

Shrewd Nigger, A, 174

Short and Expressive, 83

Simile, A, 150

Similes, 208

Simmons on Life, 185

Simplicity, 15

Slashing Article, A, 94

Slick's, Sam, Description of a Teetotaller, 151

Slick's, Sam, Geology, 172

Slick, Sam, on Happiness, 121

Slick's, Sam, Wise Saws, 143

Slight Difference, 177

Small Loaves, 1

Small Waists and Tight Lacing, 157

Smart Railway _Employé_, 63

Smiles, 146

Snip, 173

Snorers, To, 35

Snoring in Church, 163

Snubbing a Lawyer, 98

So Humane, 113

Soap coming Handy, 25

Soldier's Farewell, A, 76

Solemn Hour, A, 90

Solid Reason, A, 186

Something like a Good Shot, 51

Sonnet instead of a Bonnet, A, 21

Sound Advice, 15

Spare Girl, A, 115

Sparing his Feelings, 101

Speaking his Deep Emotions, 59

Spectacles and Bible Reading, 52

Splendid Firing, 202

Spiritualism Extraordinary, 59

Squashed, 186

Stage-Struck Hoosier, 75

"Steal Pen," The, 206

Steam Defined, 132

Stoning Stephen, 170

Story with a Moral, 18

Strange Peculiarities, 22

Stretch of Imagination, 179

Striking Definition, 103

Striking Effect of a Strike, 28

Striking Lesson, A, 122

Striking Resemblance, 150

Strong Inducement, 131

Stump Orator, A, 12

Styling the Firm, 156

Sublime and Ridiculous, 96

Substituting one Treat for another, 78

Sudden Declaration, 153

Superfluous Testimonial, 73

Sure of it, 179

Suspecting the Shell, 63

Swift Horse, A, 204

Take Care of your Baggage, 152

Taking his Patients for a Ride, 75

Taking the Starch out, 80

Tall Relations, 50

Tall Talk, 130

Talking-Match, 146

Tart, 193

Tearful Response, A, 159

Thackeray and the Pirate's Daughter, 157

Thanks to his Hens, 189

That's a Good 'Un!, 14

The House that Jeff. Built, 180

The Late Floyd, 64

The Reason Why, 110

Things I should like to See, 165

Thoughtful Mothers, 116

Tight-fisted, 142

Timely Warning, 169

Tipping them Latin, 186

Tired of his Boarding-House, 86

To make Leeches bite, 184

To make Sausages, 4

To the Point, 52

Too much Ice, 200

Too Slow for Paradise, 13

Tough Yankee, A, 117

Transatlantic Matrimonial Advertisements, 29

Treasure Trove, The, 8

Tremendous Gale, 71

True American Patriotism, 112

True, if not New, 164

True Politeness, 167

Trump Card, A, 169

Truth Wanted, 131

Two Things made to be Lost, 100

Two Things Unexpected, 152

Unacceptable Gratitude, 17

Undoubted Courage, 150

Unkind Reminder, An, 107

Unnecessary Apprehension, 96

Used to it, 118

Vegetable Head, A, 64

Verdict of a Negro Jury, 114

Very Civil War, 114

Very Likely, 56

Very Odd, that, 67

Virginian Eloquence, 170

Vocation, A, 154

War Phrases, 197

Ward's, Artemus, Courtship, 197

Ward, A., on Reorganization, 153

Ward, A., on the Negro, 62

Ward, A., to the Prince of Wales, 124

Ward Beecher's Preaching, 13

Washington Irving, 154

Way of the World, The, 23

Webster, Daniel, 189

Webster's, Daniel, Courtship, 162

Webster, Daniel, and his Bills, 138

Webster, Daniel, and William Wirt, 31

Wedlock First Instituted, 121

Western Neighbours, 98

Western Obituary Notice, 46

We wonder, too, 50

Whale at Peas, A, 158

What a Fine Woman is like, 131

What he always did at Home, 41

What he did the First Year, 11

What Irishmen do!, 105

What U. S. stands for, 118

When the Boat started, 134

When will they meet?, 194

Where the Ducks went, 127

"Where Warren fell", 9

Whiskers and Kisses, 58

Who Fiddled, 193

Whose Fault was it?, 136

Why the War goes on, 118

Wise Fool, A, 119

Wise Judge, A, 101

Wise Saws by Sam Slick, 143

With a Quill, 144

Witty Aide-de-Camp, A, 155

Witty Sentinel, A, 71

Woman-ology, 45

Wonderful, 144

Wonderful, if True, 178

"Wouldn't you like to know?", 44

Writing to the Old Woman, 20

Wrong Woman, The, 142

Wrong Train, The, 37

Yankee, The, 166

Yankee's Autobiography, A, 36

Yankee Brass, 76

Yankee Factory Girls, 170

Yankee Inquisitiveness, 176

Yankee Modesty, 188

Yankee Notion of Macbeth, 27

Yankee Portrait of John Bull, 177

Yankee Toasts, 66

Young Jeff.'s Appetite, 6

Young Lady's Sacrifice, A, 138

Young Patriot, The, 32

Your Fare, Miss, 133

Youth Indignant, 188

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Consumption, Coughs, Colds, Asthma, Bronchitis, Neuralgia, Rheumatism,
Spasms, &c.

CAUTION.--IN CHANCERY.

CHLORODYNE.

VICE-CHANCELLOR WOOD stated that Dr. J. Collis Browne was
undoubtedly the Inventor of Chlorodyne. Eminent hospital Physicians
of London stated that Dr. J. Collis Browne was the discoverer of
Chlorodyne; that they prescribe it largely, and mean no other than
Dr. Browne's.--See _Times_, July 13, 1864. The public, therefore,
are cautioned against using any other than Dr. J. COLLIS BROWNE'S
CHLORODYNE.

THIS INVALUABLE REMEDY produces quiet, refreshing sleep, relieves
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stimulates healthy action of the secretions of the body.

_From_ J. M'GRIGOR CROFT, _M.D., M.R.C. Physicians, London,
late Staff-Surgeon to H.M.F._

      "After prescribing Dr. J. Collis Browne's Chlorodyne, for
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_From_ JNO. E. GOULSTONE, _M.D., Knighton_.

      "I can confidently state that Chlorodyne is an admirable
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      minutes, where the patient had suffered eleven years in a
      most distressing manner, no previous remedy having had so
      immediate and beneficial an effect."

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Transcriber's Notes

Minor punctuation typos and Index page numbers were silently
corrected. The "possible typos" listed below might be the antiquated
spelling of words in common usage at the time, rather than actual
typesetting errors. All the dialect and intentionally misspelled words
were retained as in the original book.

Page 6: Possible typo: "sucking-pig" for "suckling-pig".

Page 10: Changed "were" to "where."
  (Orig: the field were we had suffered)

Page 39: Changed "sympton" to "symptom."
  (Orig: a sympton of personal approbation)

Page 45: Changed "magetism" to "magnetism."
  (Orig: makes woman so adorable as magetism)

Page 48: Possible typo: "Twelve a.m." for "Twelve p.m."

Pages 54, 80, 152, 175, 178: "Pedlar" and "pedler" spelling
variations were retained.

Page 69: Changed "fondess" to "fondness."
  (Orig: fondess pent up in each heart)

Page 70: Changed "it" to "in."
  (Orig: The failings that it woman dwell)

Page 82: Changed "splarkled" to "sparkled."
  (Orig: Here Billy's eyes splarkled)

Page 88: Changed "dismised" to "dismissed."
  (Orig: witness was dismised)

Page 101: Changed "thing" to "think."
  (Orig: quickest way we can thing of to go raving)

Page 102: Changed "granchild's" to "grandchild's."
  (Orig: rocking her granchild's cradle with one foot)

Page 116: Changed "Revoluntionary" to "Revolutionary."
  (Orig: Army of Revoluntionary War,)

Page 118: Changed "conset" to "consent."
  (Orig: Neither would conset to take it,)

Page 128: Changed "poceeded" to "proceeded."
  (Orig: who proceeded to describe their peculiarities.)

Page 144: Possible typo: "sleepness" for "sleepless."
  (Orig: Sleepness nights, broken dreams,)

Page 147: Possible typo: "tustle," for "tussle."
  (Orig: In the course of the tustle)

Page 159: Changed "pamplet" to "pamphlet."
  (Orig: holding out a pamplet)

Page 160: Changed "homour" to "humour."
  (Orig: the old gent's good homour)

Pages 172-173: Possible typo: "embryotic" for "embryonic."

Page 174: Changed "themseves" to "themselves."
  (Orig: housekeeping for themseves)

Page 176: Possible typo: "Mississipi" for "Mississippi."

Page 188: Possible typo: "laddled" for "ladled."
  (Orig: who laddled out the liquor)

Page 196: Possible two typos: "find" for "fine."
  (Orig: and find all right, except the find stream of water)

Notes on Joe Miller From _Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia_:

     Joe Miller (Joseph or Josias) (1684-August 15, 1738) was an
     English actor, who first appeared in the cast of Sir Robert
     Howard's Committee at Drury Lane in 1709 as Teague. Trinculo
     in The Tempest, the First Grave-digger in Hamlet and Marplot
     in Susanna Centlivre's The Busybody, were among his many
     favourite parts. He is said to have been a friend of Hogarth.

     He frequented the "Black Jack" tavern on Portsmouth Street
     in London, which was a favourite of the Drury Lane players
     and those from Lincoln's Inn Fields. Allegedly he was very
     serious in the bar and this led to an in-joke whereby all
     his companions ascribed all new jokes to him.

     After Miller's death, John Mottley (1692-1750) brought out
     a book called Joe Miller's Jests, or the Wit's Vade-Mecum
     (1739), published under the pseudonym of Elijah Jenkins
     Esq. at the price of one shilling. This was a collection
     of contemporary and ancient coarse witticisms, only three
     of which are told of Miller. This first edition was a thin
     pamphlet of 247 numbered jokes. This ran to three editions
     in its first year.

     Owing to the quality of the jokes in Mottley's book, their
     number increasing with each of the many subsequent editions,
     any time-worn jest came to be called "a Joe Miller", a
     Joe-Millerism, or simply a Millerism.