--- layout: page title: Columbo tagline: The first season transcript permalink: /columbo/first_season.html categories: [Learning Technology] tags: [hearing] ---
Who is it?
Oh, you're not intimidated, huh?
Oh, come on, Ken.
You're forgetting that I'm one half of the world's greatest mystery writing team.
You, uh, don't have gloves on, your finger's not on the trigger,
and there are no bullets in the cylinder.
You're right. I'm a lousy practical joker.
What are you doing here with that thing, anyway?
I was on my way down to the cabin. I thought maybe I could use it for protection.
Also came by to apologize.
- For what?
- For blowing my cork the other day.
I got out of line.
Forget it. You know, that happens.
Nah. Shouldn't happen. Not between you and me.
So, believe it or not, sir,
this is a peace pipe.
Bottoms up, Jim.
In the middle of the morning?
Oh, come on. Relax. It's Saturday.
And in the mystery writer's soul, it is always the middle of the night.
Oh! A toast.
Dear sir,
I give you…
our divorce.
Well, it's not really a divorce.
Oh, sure it is. Come on. Let's be honest.
I mean, it's… There's no alimony, but, uh, it is a termination.
Ah, yes.
All 1 5 of them.
Fifty million copies.
And to the lady who made it all possible, the greatest sleuth in the world,
Mrs. Melville,
whom we brought to life and now we're about to bury.
Come on, Ken.
 All I want to do is write on my own.
You're right. I am being selfish.
Okay, my boy. My blessings on your solo flight.
Thanks.
I appreciate it.
After all, friendship is more important than partnership. Right?
Here's to our friendship.
Right.

What? The aforementioned cabin…
which has been finished for over six months now…
You haven't seen it. You're gonna be my first male guest.
Oh, I can't, Ken. Not now. Well, why can't you?
It's all the way down in San Diego. Oh, it's a couple of hours' drive.
I'll have you home before midnight.
Yeah, well, I promised Joanna I'd take her to dinner and a show.
Aw, that's easy. You pick up that phone, you say, ' Honey, I'm gonna be working late at the office tonight." Come on.
Soon as we get down there, we uncork another bottle, and then we go fishing.
Well, I… You know what your trouble, old buddy is…
I mean, you're afraid to unwind even for a day. Oh, no, I'm not.
Well, then, prove it. Come on. If you want some justification,
you're doing it as a favor for me.
At least give me a chance to bury the hatchet with some style, huh?
You just don't drop your partner, then turn down his invitation all in one week, now do you?
Actually, the timing isn't bad. I was just finishing the final chapter.
Ah, Mrs. Melville's last case.
You know, we ought to send that broad some flowers.
Listen, I made a list of things I'd like to take from the office.
You want to take a look at it?
I don't get it. It's a list of names. Oh, I'm losing my mind.
It's the wrong one. I must have left the other one at the house.
Uh… Oh, I am losing my mind.
What's the matter? I left my lighter in the office.
Do you need it? That's my security blanket.

Ah, Jim, smell that air. How far is the cabin?
Ah, it's not far. About an hour.
We have to skirt San Diego.
I'll only be a minute. I just have to get some supplies.
Do you want to hand me that book in that glove compartment?
Hey, it's one of ours. [Chuckles] Yeah.
The boss lady here's a big fan of ours.
I've been promising this for months. [Chuckles] The price of fame.
You want me to come with you? No, no. I'll only be a minute.
Miss La Sanka!
Anybody home? In a minute!
Mr. Franklin!
Oh, my planets must be in the right house!
[Chuckles] Not only that, but they're working overtime.
I have a surprise for you. Pour moi?
Pour moi. Prescription: Murder.
'A Mrs. Melville thriller…
byJames Ferris and Ken Franklin."
Oh, uh, take a look at the first page.
You signed it? You dear man.
Well, Mr. Franklin!
I'd rather have the storyteller than the story.
Well, I'll tell you what.
If you play your cards right and give me my grocery list, someday you may have both.
Empty promises. Miss La Sanka!
What do you need? Just a few things for overnight, thanks.
Who is it this week? The blonde or the redhead? Uh, Miss La Sanka,
I'm all alone this weekend.
Except for, uh, some contemplation, some fishing and a refreshment of my spirit.
Could you break this for me? I need some change for the phone. Thanks very much.
[Cash Register Dings]
That'll do fine. Thank you.
Operator, I'd like to place a station-to-station call to Los Angeles.
The area code is 213.
[Phone Ringing]
Hello. Joanna, it's Ken.
Well, Ken! I thought you werert talking to us.
Oh, that's all patched up.
As a matter of fact, I leftJim at the office a few hours ago.
- We signed the armistice.
- Oh, well, that's a relief.
Look, Joanna, I wouldn't mention it to him.
I'm sure he'd like to surprise you himself.
Uh, why don't you join us for dinner? We'll celebrate.
I'd really love to, but I'm…
I'm spending the weekend down here in San Diego at the cabin.
As a matter of fact, that's where I'm calling from.
All right. Then we'll do it another time. Absolutely.
Uh, Joanna, I thought maybe if you,
for some reason, needed to get in touch with me, you do know the number at the cabin.
Right. I'll see you in a few days.
Fine.
Good-bye.
Did you ever get a feeling of déjà vu?
What?
Like you've, uh, done something before, but you know you haven't.
Why? What do you mean?
I'm getting it right now. It's strange.
You know I've never been here before.
Maybe in a previous incarnation, huh?
Ken, it's fantastic. The house that Mrs. Melville built.
Wait till you see the inside.
[Sighs] It's no wonder.
'No wonder" what?
What woman could resist this setting?
Not very many. I promise you that.
How about a drink, Jim? More alcohol? No, thanks.
It'll corrupt me. [Chuckles]
You're thinking aboutJoanna, aren't you?
Well, yeah. You know,
just taking off like that.
She still expects me for dinner. We can fix that. We'll put plan ' A" into effect.
Pick up the phone and call her.
What am I gonna tell her? The man is too square for words.
Now, look. You simply say that you're working at the office.
You're calling from the office. She knows you have a deadline to meet with the book. You're working late.
How many times have you had to do that? A couple hundred, I guess.
Exactly. That's why she'll believe you.
Yeah, well, I… I just hate lying to her. You know.
You're not lying to her. You're saving her a little anguish.
Now, will you pick up the phone and call her so we can start enjoying ourselves?
Okay.
- Oh, Operator, I'd like to
make a collect…
- Hold it.
It's a cinch you have never cheated on Joanna before.

The area code is 213.
Hi, honey.
How are ya?
Well, that's what I'm calling about.
Um, I'm at the office, and…
I'm pretty well into this last chapter.
I'd like to work straight through. Yeah, I know.
L… I know.
This'll be the last time. That I can…
[Shot Fires] Jimmy?
Jimmy!
Operator, get me the police.
[Phone Ringing]
Hello. Joanna?
What?
Joanna…
Will you take it easy? Now, say it again once more.
Are you sure?
Did you call the police?
Yes, yes, of course. I'll leave right away.
Uh, Joanna, please.
Take it easy.
And don't worry.
I'm sure it's nothing but a practical joke.
Good-bye.
No, I know it's insane.
And l-l-I just… I keep thinking of the clichés and-and…
Jim and Ken wrote this scene…
in their books a hundred times.
Look at it this way, Mrs. Ferris. Maybe he isn't dead.
Now, there's no body, no blood…
No! He was shot! L-I know it!
L-l-I heard… I heard it on the phone.
Are you sure it was a gunshot? This place was searched.
- Papers on the floor.
Have you any idea why?
- No, I have no idea why.
Did you notice anything special missing?
No, no, no. Are you sure it was his voice?
[Joanna] Yes, I know it was his voice, and maybe somebody…
[Man] Was he under any kind of extra pressure?
[Joanna] No. Maybe somebody was…
- Did he say where he was calling from?
- Yes.
He said he was calling from the office. He said… He said…
"I'm calling from the office."
I really don't care if anything was missing.
I just really want to find out what happened to my husband.
We'll do our best. You sure it was his voice?
I know it was his voice. Are you sure it was a gunshot?
Yes, that's right. [Man] Would you like to sit down and get a glass of water?
Yes, I would like… Really, please.
'Cause I really feel stupid,
and I just really want to clear my head. Get the water.
Okay.
[Columbo] I think that's out of order, ma'am.
Uh, you see, that's the trouble with these buildings. The fountains never work.
Then you have to use the coffee machine.

Who are you? Uh, I'm just another cop.
My name's Columbo. I'm a lieutenant.
Were you in there… I got the proof right here.
You didn't see me in there because I left before you got in there.
And you know why? Because it's so smoky in there and so noisy in there…
that I just had to come outside and get a breath.
Oh, I think I'd better get back. Now, look. Wait a minute.
Let me tell you something. You look very tired to me,
and I think you had a terrible experience in there.
And I think I ought to drive you home. Let's call it a night.
Well, don't you think they want to ask me questions?
Oh, I don't think they'll mind. I think you've answered enough questions,
and I'll call them and I'll tell them you're with me.
Okay? Well, what about Ken?
Why isn't Ken here?
I don't know why he isn't here.
Is that Mr. Franklin, the other half of the writing team?
[Chuckles]
Yeah, the other half of the team.
You know, that's what I like about these buttons.
You don't have to push 'em.
I bet you haven't had anything to eat.
You're a very nice man, Lieutenant, but I'm not really hungry.

But there's one thing I do terrific, and that's an omelet.
Even my wife admits it. Uh, I need something for the eggshells.
- Over there in that cabinet.
- Right.
 You don't like it,
you throw it away.
I'll tell you what the secret is to a good omelet.
- No eggs. Just milk.
- [Stifled Chuckle]
- Uh, skillet.
- Over there.

Maybe I should hold up my end and make the coffee.
I need cheese and onions and, uh, butter.
Cheese… Uh, I need something to grate the cheese.
Over there in the cupboard.
Right.
What did they do with him, Lieutenant?
I don't know, ma'am.
Well, there was no body in the office. Couldn't that mean that he isn't dead?
Well, that's hard to say. Uh, it's bothering me too.
I tell ya, the whole thing doesn't make sense unless it's a kidnapping.
Well, you don't shoot a victim first, do you?
Why'd you laugh before? When?
When I asked you if Mr. Franklin was the other half of the writing team.
Did I laugh? Yep.
Maybe it was the way you put it.
'Writing team."
Maybe I shouldn't say it,
but Ken hasn't written a word of a Mrs. Melville novel in years.
Mrs. Melville? Who's Mrs. Melville?
The character thatJim and Ken created.
The one who solves all the crimes brilliantly.
Well, uh, why did your husband put up with it?
What I mean is, uh, him doing all the work.
Well, there were compensations.
Ken did the publicity, went on all the talk shows,
and he did interviews and cultivated the film people.
He contributed.
He just didn't do any of the writing.
Boy, I'll tell ya, I'd love to be a writer.
That's a terrific talent.
Where did he get all the ideas?
Oh, from almost anything.
People. Magazines.
Conversations.
I'm constantly finding scraps of paper and old matchbook covers…
just all over the house with notes and ideas.
And those were mysteries, too, werert they, huh?
Mm-hmm. They're tricky. I'll tell you that.
I could never figure those things out.
Well, it got harder.
Maybe that's why he decided to go out on his own.
Oh, really? I didn't know that. I guess he wanted to do some serious work.
No kidding?
How did Mr. Franklin take that?
Not very well.
But he'll get over it.
Gee, I'd hate to be in his shoes. Why?
Well, you got a writing team, and they're very famous, and now they break up, and what happens?
One fella continues writing books, and the other fella just stops.
Yeah. That's what I keep telling Jim…
that sooner or later, people are bound to find out.
What, that your husband did all the writing? Mmm.
Yeah.
Kind of tough on Mr. Franklirs ego.
[Doorbell Rings]
Oh, Ken! Jo.
I know, I know. Just take it easy.
I drove up here as fast as I could.
Is there anything new? No, not yet.
Jo, it's incredible.
I just saw him this morning at the office.
Oh, I'm sorry, Ken. Uh,
Lieutenant Columbo, Mr. Franklin.
How you doir? No, the question is, how you doing, Lieutenant?
Well, I'm afraid we just got started.
Has Jim been found yet?
Has he been found yet? Uh…
Why? Did somebody tell you he was gone?
Lieutenant, I just spent several hours driving up here from San Diego.
You must know that this story is on every news station.
Oh, right. Yeah. Gee, I should have thought of that.
Well, has he been found? Gee, I'm afraid not.
No. Were you visiting friends in San Diego?
He has a place there… a cabin. Oh, away for the weekend. Gee, that's nice.
Mmm. Could we get back to my question?

Uh, it's a little early for that. Early?
Seems to me your men are standing around just marking time.
Could I have a drink, love?
I could use one myself. Thanks.

Is that the lady in the books? That's right.
You see, she would have figured out that this is not just someone missing.
This is a professional killing.
Aha. Here it is.
Take a look at that. Uh, put it on the desk.
Just drop it. 'Cause of the fingerprints, you know.
Jim's fingerprints are all over that. So are mine.
What is it? What's it look like? It's a list of names.
Look at that. Mustel, Delgado, Hathaway, Westlake…
Sound familiar? Uh, yeah, kinda.
Well, they should. That's a list of some of the top men in organized crime on the West Coast…
L.A., Vegas, Frisco… I don't understand.
Well, it's painfully obvious.
One of these men had Jim killed.
Really? Why?
Tell me something. How long have you been a lieutenant, Lieutenant?
Mrs. Melville would have put that together like that. [Snaps Fingers]
Look, I… I'm willing to take all the help I can get.
All right. Let me see if I can explain it to you.
See, my partner and I decided to split, go our separate ways.
I'm sureJoanna must have mentioned that to you.
Yeah, she said something about that.
Did she also mention the fact thatJim wanted to do some serious writing?
Hey. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Wait a minute. Yeah! Dawning on you now? I knew you'd get it.
But that's only the tip of the iceberg.
You see, Jim was researching a complete and factual exposé…
of all West Coast organized crime.
I mean, he was going around asking some pretty embarrassing questions.
Probing. Compiling dossiers.
That's why they searched this office.
Apparently, they got everything but that list.
And you think one of these fellas put out a contract on him.
Of course. Word must have gotten around thatJim was compiling all this information.
They knew they couldn't buy him off, so what do they do?
They chose the usual alternative.
Professional killing, huh? But if that's true, why did they get rid of the body?
Well, who knows? But remember one thing… Without a corpus delicti,
you can't prove a murder was committed in the first place.
But why would a professional killer care?
I mean, he's already on a plane back from where he came.
Lieutenant, I can't answer all your questions. I've given you a list of the most likely suspects.
A clear motive. Isn't that enough to start with?
Oh, that's plenty. And believe me, I'm very grateful for all the help you've given me.
Gee, that's funny. What?
Well, this thing is folded lengthwise, like someone was carrying it in their pocket.
So?
Well, if he typed that on that typewriter…
and I'll run a check on that…
why would he fold it up before he put it in that drawer?

Why is that?
Unfortunately, Jim used to fold up a piece of paper,
and he'd use it as a bookmark, you know. Ah.
Now, however interesting your observation is,
it only leads us far astray.
However, since you are beginning to learn how to emulate our dear lady,
I'm gonna give you something that you richly deserve…
a chance to read some of our books.
Well, that's very nice of you. Didn't expect gifts tonight, huh?
Thank you. Maybe I can pick up a few pointers.
Oh, I'm sure you can.
Uh, could you handle some more? Oh, all right.
Here you go. Oh, and an extra. Oh, that's very nice.
That ought to keep you busy for a while, huh? Yeah, it sure will.
Well, anything else, Lieutenant? Uh, no, I don't think so.
I think I'd better let you get some sleep. Oh, that's very nice of you.
I just only hope I was of some help. Oh, you certainly were.
Well, good night, Lieutenant. Good night, sir. Good night.
Oh, Mr. Franklin. Uh…
Actually, uh, there is one thing,
not that it makes that much difference.
What is it?

Is that right? That's right.
You know, me, I'd have taken a plane.
 It'd been a lot faster.
Well, I… That's true, but in a situation like that, who thinks clearly?
And look at it this way. You add up all the time it takes to drive to and from an airport,
how much time do you really save?
Hmm.
Operator, would you get me the police, please?
Thank you.
Lt. Columbo, please.
Yes, thank you. I'll wait.
Columbo, this is Franklin.
I think you better get over here right away.
937 Skyview Drive.
It's an emergency.
[Woman On Police Radio: Indistinct]
[Woman on Radio] 1- L 10. MPs have been notified.
Do you still request a radio unit?
[Man On Radio] All units in the vicinity,
a prowler, 12F3… [Fades]
When I got home, there he…
there it was, right in the middle of the lawn.
Terrible thing to come home to.
The funny thing is, I…
I kept hoping or I… I was sure thatJim was still alive.
PoorJoanna.
Every time I think of feeling sorry for myself,
I think of how much she had to lose.
Look at 'em!
Vultures!
Lieutenant, you mind if I go inside? I…
can't stand to watch them… gape.
Listen. You mind if I come with you?
Because there's no lining in this coat, and I'm a bit chilly.
I don't mind.
[Phone Ringing]
Hello.
Yes, this is Mr. Franklin.
What? No comment.
Aw, you've gotta be kidding. You want an interview now?
A gentleman of the press. Afraid you're gonna get a lot of that.
I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I'm forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?
Yeah. Mmm. Maybe a drop ofbourbon.
Bourbon.
Boy, this is quite a place.
This a copy?
Hardly. It's an original.
Gee, I thought they only hung this stuff on museums.
You own this?
Mrs. Melville has been very kind.
Boy. Quite a place.
Gee whiz. And you got that other place in San Diego.
Gee, the upkeep alone must be…
I manage to scrape by. Your drink.
Thank you. You know, there's one thing about writers that I don't understand.
Maybe you can help me clear it up.
If a fella's partner dies,
uh, does he own the other fella's half of the books, half of the, uh, um…
Royalties? Yeah.
No. They go into the deceased's estate.
Mmm. That leaves you out in the cold, doesn't it?
Unless, of course, you insured each other.
Lieutenant, aren't we going a bit far astray?
You're right. We shouldn't be talking about this now.
It's not the time.
Uh… Uh…
So, Mr. Franklin, tell me, uh,
why do you think that they left your partner's body out there on the lawn like that?
Do you mean to tell me you haven't figured that out?
Lieutenant, you disappoint me.
It was left as a warning. A warning?
Of course.
It also proves my theory about it being a professional killing.
See, the moment they dropped Jim's body in the middle of that lawn…
Please, sit down.
You know what they were saying?
That this could happen to you…
unless you stop in your partner's research.
- They're trying to scare you.
- Exactly.
Right.
So what are you gonna do? Are you gonna continue writing the book anyway?
No, that's the irony of it. You see, that was Jim's pet project, not mine.
[Chuckles] I wouldn't even know where to begin.
Say, I guess they didn't have any way of knowing you two were gonna split up.
Nah. Even if they did, it wouldn't have doneJim any good.
I must say, Lieutenant, you're up against a dead end.
Look at this. You got a body,
you got a motive,
but you're never gonna find that killer.
It's not gonna be easy.
I'll lay you 5 to 1 it was someone in Las Vegas or Miami.
Picked up a phone and… pfft! …put out a contract. Right. Right.
How you're gonna make a case, much less solve one, is beyond me.
I know. I guess the only thing I can do is… just check out every name on that list.
Sure. You know what's gonna happen?
Right.
I must say I don't envy you. I don't envy myself.
Now, look. I got a lot of phone calls to make. I'd better get on it, huh?
All the luck. Thanks. Thanks a lot, Mr. Franklin.
And listen. I'm very sorry about what happened tonight.
Thank you. Right.
You, uh…
You will keep me posted, Lieutenant? Oh, yes, I will. Yeah.
You know, there's only one thing that I'm not clear about.
But that can wait. You want to go to bed.
 What is it?
Would you go over for me once again… I know you did it…
exactly what happened when you came home tonight?
Sure. L… I've already told you, but…
[Sighs] The moment I saw Jim's body in the middle of the lawn,
I came running in here and I picked up the phone and I called you.

Uh-huh. Right. Uh-huh.
Uh-huh. That's fine. Now, wait a minute.
Is there some reason for your question?
Uh, it's your mail.
My mail? Isn't it funny how people are different?
Now, me, if I found my partner dead, I'd never think of opening my letters.
But I-I… I just did it to distract myself.
I mean, you got to remember one thing, that's a great shock.
Yeah. Oh, that's understandable.
And bills are distracting. Listen, if anything comes up,
I'll call you right away.
Good night. Good night.
I'm gonna have a hot dog. I guess I will too.
No, no, Mr. Tucker. You put that away.
This one's on me.
May I have a receipt, please?
All right, Lieutenant. You're bribing me with a handsome lunch.
What can I do for you? Uh, this is about an insurance policy.
Oh, excellent. It's about time you came to me.
I can give you a package within your… Yeah, this is, uh,
an insurance policy that was already written.
Oh, this is official business. Uh, yeah. Uh, there are two mystery writers…
Ken Franklin and James Ferris.
Your company wrote a policy on them? Now, wait a minute, Lieutenant.
We like to cooperate with the police, but…
if you want confidential information, I'm afraid that you… Oh, well, look, uh,
I don't want to cause you any trouble.
Maybe it'll be more helpful if I got a court order?
[Chattering]
[Chattering Continues]
Oh, Ken, it was simply marvelous. I was terrified.
Oh, really?
Oh, you did? I was completely fooled.
You must have a devious mind. No, dear, it's because you're young.
Always remember one thing, my love.
The moment a man mentions a long-lost twin,
you can inevitably know that it's going to be some impersonation.
It's an old plot trick.
Mr. Franklin! Yoo-hoo!
- Over here!
- Who's that?
Someone that should be somewhere else.
[Man] No, we go this way. Excuse me a moment.
Miss La Sanka, what a pleasant surprise. Hi. [Giggling]
What brings you to the big city? Oh, I came in to do a little shopping.
You… You like my dress? Oh, it's lovely.
See a play. [Laughs]
She's a beauty, Mr. Franklin.
Yes, she is. Uh, thank you.
I haven't seen her before have I?
No, I don't believe you have.
Well, it's… it's lovely to see you. I, uh,
hope you won't think I'm being forward, [Chuckles]
But is there any chance of, uh, our having a drink together?
Oh, I'd… I'd love to, really. But, uh…
See, the young lady and I are going to have a late supper.
I think you might want to cancel it.
- Just why would I want to do that?
- Because…
we really should have a discussion. [Chuckles]
Perhaps some other time. All right. L…
I suppose I'll have to find someone else to tell my story to. [Chuckles]
It's a mystery story.
Very interesting. Really.
It's all about this witness. [Chuckles]
Just wait here. I'll be right back.
Anything you say, Mr. Franklin.
d [Piano]
[Laughing]
Oh, wow!
Oh, I just can't resist strawberries.
Oh, I'm glad you like them.
[Giggling]
[Giggling Continues] You're…
You're making me nervous.
That's quite a stare. I'm sorry. L-I can't help it.
You know, I've never seen you outside that store before.
You're very lovely.
 Yes, please do. [Giggles]
How did you enjoy the play tonight? Oh, I thought it was predictable. You?
Oh, I like your books much more. That's very flattering.
But you said something before about, uh,
about your story or something about a… a witness.
Oh, yes. Well, actually,
it's a, uh, true-to-life story.
Oh, the best kind. [Giggles]
It concerns your partner. Jim?
Uh-huh. What about him?
Well, I read in the papers about his death,
and I felt just terrible. Thank you.
I felt just terrible, because they said he was killed in his office.
So they did. Well,
in my story, you see,
he couldn't have actually been killed in an office,
because he was, uh,
somewhere else.
Just for a moment, let's forget about your story,
and let's, uh… let's talk about real life.
[Chuckles] It is simpler, isn't it? Much.
I'll tell you honestly, Ken.
I was very confused when I saw the papers, because,
when you were in my store making a phone call the other day, Uh-huh.
I wandered over to the side window to see…
if you had brought a lady with you. [Giggles]
You didn't believe me when I said that I was alone. Oh, I believed you. It's just that…
I'm very interested in you, Ken.
[Giggles] Well, anyway,
you can imagine my surprise when I saw your partner.

 Oh, not at that time.
Only later.
And then I debated with myself for days…
whether to come and see you or not.
Why didn't you go to the police? Oh, Ken.
I wouldn't want to get you into trouble. [Giggling]
Of course not. [Snorting Chuckle] All right, Lili. How much?
[Laughs] I hope you don't think that that's the on…
Oh, no, no, no. I don't think anything.
I'll tell you something. I'm most grateful you came to me first.
Know why? Because I think we can reach an equitable agreement.
I do so admire your candor.
This isn't easy for me… a widow running a…
small country store, trying to make ends meet. Oh, I can understand that.
And I also recognize in you a woman of… of some breeding.
I mean, you're not just a common… blackmailer.

Very well, Lili.
How much for your silence?
$15,000? L… [Plate Clattering]
Oh! L-I know it's a lot, but that's all I'll ever ask for. Honestly.

- I know you are, and I respect you for that.
And you know what?
In that spirit, I accept your terms. Agreed?
[Relieved Chuckle] Agreed.
[Chuckles] And I know you won't take offense when I say,
'It's a pleasure doing business with you."
No, no. My pleasure. [Chuckles]
[Both Chuckling]
- [Chuckling Continues]
- [Doorbell Chiming]
Yes? Is Mr. Franklin home?
He's occupied at the moment. Who shall I say is calling?
Uh, Lt. Columbo. Oh.
Thank you. He'll be with you shortly.
[Camera Shutter Clicking] [Man] Only a few more.
Thanks muchly, Mr. Franklin. I think we're about finished,
if you can bear one or two more photographs. Fire away.
After all, your magazine was very kind to Franklin and Ferris during our lean years.
That's, uh, the second reason I granted the interview. Oh? What was the first?
- Why, the charm
of the interviewer, of course.
- Thank you.
- [Thump]
- [Shutter Clicks]
Yes, Lieutenant. Is there something I can do for you?
Oh, yeah. If-lf you… If you have a moment.
That's about all I do have.
As soon as I finish here, I'll be right with you.
Is there anything else, Miss, uh…  Please do.
Uh, just one last question.
I think our readers will want to know how the death of your partner will affect the Mrs. Melville books.
I'm afraid when I buried Jim I buried Mrs. Melville with him.
Mmm, I understand.
But everyone will miss her so. Can't you write another one?
Oh, I could, naturally, but what's the point?
With Jim gone, there… [Smacks Lips] Wouldn't be much reason.
No, I'm afraid, uh, Mrs. Melville has solved her last case.
Actually, I've been… seriously debating as to whether I would ever want to write again.
Oh, well, I hope you do. Thank you. That's very kind of you.
Now, if you don't mind, huh? Of course. Let's go Harvey.
Perhaps, under better circumstances, I, uh…
less harassed circumstances… I could give you a more detailed interview.
- Even in more depth.
- Mmm, that'll be nice.
Shall I call you? Yes. Please do. Next week, huh?
Good-bye.
Oh, sorry, Harvey. Thanks, very much. Thank you.
All right, Lieutenant. What can I do for you?
Well, I brought back your books.
Well, that's fine. Just put 'em over there on the table.
Yeah. Uh, sure. I wanted to tell ya how much I enjoyed 'em.
I think they're the most terrific… Boy, I wanna…
And… Oh, listen, I'll come back. I'll make two trips on this.
But the… the lady detective…
I'd love to sit down and discuss literature with you, but I was on my way out.
Oh. Oh, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to bother ya. Uh, you goir someplace special?
Yes, as a matter of fact. I'm on my way down to my cabin for a rest.
- Would you like an itinerary?
- Hey, I'm sorry.
- I'm makir a pest of myself.
- No.
Yes, yes, I am. I know, it's because I keep askir these questions.
But I'll tell ya. I can't help myself.
It's a habit. I take it you're not goir alone.
- Whatever gave that idea?
- I noticed the two bottles of champagne.
Oh, those. Oh, I'm quite capable of drinking those two bottles…
and a good deal more without any help.
Now, if you'll excuse me, Lieutenant.
Yeah. Uh, listen. Unless you just wanna take a second…
to know how we're progressir on your partner's list.
Oh? Anything concrete?
No, not a thing. Just like you predicted.
Everyone said they never even heard ofJames Ferris.
[Smacks Lips] That's just as I expected.
Well, it was lovely to chat with you, Lieutenant.
Oh, Mr. Franklin? Do you have a minute? Yeah.
Is it important? Well, it could be. You see, I was checking the, uh,
the phone company records in San Diego.
Now, why would you want to do that, Lieutenant?
Oh, well, I have to do that. You know, that's part of my job. I got to tie up all those loose ends.
Anyway, on the day of the murder…
there was a record of a call from the cabin.
It was a call to the Ferris house in Los Angeles.
I see. And now you're wondering whether I can explain that. Is that right?
Oh, I'm sure you can. Oh, you're right. I can.
But, you see, you would've saved both you and me a great deal of trouble…
if you'd checked with Joanna Ferris first.
She would've explained to you that I'd spoken with her from my cabin,
telling her thatJim and I had patched up our differences.
Oh, what do you mean by ' differences"? Uh…
Well, you see, ironing out any difficulties in a separation is never easy.
And I knew Joanna would be concerned, and I wanted to put her mind at ease.
Oh, I see. Can you understand that?
Oh, yes. Yeah, that's understandable. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh, fine. Is that all?
Yes, that's all. Right. Good.
[Snickers] Listen, uh, enjoy your trip.
Thanks very much.
And drive carefully. [Engine Starts]
Don't worry, Lieutenant. You can count on it.
And… here you are! [Laughs]
Bearing gifts.
And more gifts. Why, Mr. Franklin, how lovely. [Chuckles]
Ken. Yes, of course. Ken.
Now, Lili, let me ask you a simple question.
You up to making a nice, quiet dinner for two tonight?
d [Orchestra: Romantic] Here's to… prosperity.
And romance.
[Both Chuckling]
A daily double. [Laughing]
Oh, I must say, Lili, that was a magnificent meal.
Where'd you learn to cook so well?
My late husband, may he rest in peace,
was a professional chef.
Wonderful man. [Chuckles]
He taught me all I know. Well, he taught you well.
Thank you, sir.
Refill? Oh, sorry.
Oop! We're all out. [Laughs]
Let's open another one. Dare we?
Dare we not?
Mm-hmm!
Here we go. Happy New Year! [Cork Pops]
[Both Laughing] Quick, the glass.
[Laughing Continues]
Oh! Mmm!
Delicious!
But I'm afraid I'm getting a little tipsy.
What's wrong with that?
[Slurred] I don't know if I can trust you.
Now, is there any reason not to?
Lili, if I make you uncomfortable, I can always leave.
No. Please. I do enjoy your company.
You know what we should do? What?
It's such a beautiful night, we should…
row out to the center of the lake and…
go for a swim. Mmm. Sounds nice.
Mmm. Is nice. Shall we?
Better not. Why not?
I trust you, Ken. Really.
But we all have our dark sides, don't we?
Just wouldn't be very intelligent of me to be alone with you in a small boat.
After all, you might start having second thoughts about the money.
I wish you hadrt said that, Lili.
That kind of talk hurts me deeply.
I'm gonna tell you something, and I shouldn't.
But I'll tell you why, because I trust you.
I was prepared to give you considerably more than you asked for.
Fifteen thousand… I mean, I've lost that much gambling in one night.
Well, it certainly is a great deal of money to me.
What do you think you'll, uh… you'll do with all of it?
I don't know. Put it in the bank, I guess.
But not right away.
Ohh! I just want to look at it for awhile. [Chuckles]
d [Continues]
Better be careful.
Someone might, uh, rob you.
I'll just keep it for a day or two.
I've never seen so much money in my life.
Uh,
maybe… maybe you could take a… a trip somewhere, huh?
I may. I've always wanted to go on a cruise.
Oh, cruises, they're so romantic.
Did I tell you that my late husband was in the merchant marines?
Is that a fact? Mmm.
They're the ones who taught him how to cook.
I almost wish he were here now.
He could share this with me.
Or maybe we can do the next best thing.
[No Audio]
Who did you say it is? One of the cops said it was a local woman.
Some kind of drowning.
[Woman On Police Radio] Twelve A-15, clear. Twelve A-17, are you clear?
Twelve A-1, clear. Twelve A-15, stand by.
One L-10, M.P. S have been notified.
dd [Whistling]
dd [Stops]
Mornir!
Well, Lt. Columbo. I must say, you turn up at the oddest times, don't you?
Listen, I hope you don't mind my comir in that way, you know.
But the door was open, and I just let myself in. Oh, no.
How'd you get here? By magic carpet? I didn't see your car outside.
Oh, no. I pulled around back, and I put it in the shade.
 Oh, sensible.
Well, what brings you up here to the wilds?
Well, I'll tell ya. I heard you and Mrs. Ferris talk so much about this place,
and you made it sound so terrific, and believe me, uh,
you werert exaggerating, because…
this is magnificent.
And, uh, since I got a two-week vacation comir up,
I said to myself, ' Go on down there, check out the area, look to see. Mmm.
Maybe you can rent a cabin."

Why else would I come? You're wasting your time.
I have a feeling that cabins in this neck of the woods are pretty much out of your price range, anyway.
Most of them are… are rented for the season.
Oh, gee whiz, that's… that's too bad.

Well, it was a nice ride, anyhow. Yes, a lovely drive.
Except for that bottleneck down the road. What was that all about?
Oh, there was a drowning. Well, what was it, a fisherman?
Well, I heard someone say it was a local woman.
Uh, a Miss La Sanka or something like that? Something like that, yeah.
Yeah. Did you know her? Not really, no.
I was just wondering, because, when I was in the kitchen before,
I noticed a grocery box with her name on it.
Oh, I occasionally buy supplies there, sure, like anyone else who lives around here.
Uh-huh. I think she was the one that drowned. Yeah.
'Cause I, uh, stopped by the grocery store on the way here to pick up some cigars,
and I noticed it was closed and the cops'cars around.
Well, if it was her, I… I'd be very sorry.
She was always very friendly. Yeah, that's a shame.
Mm-hmm. [Sucks Teeth] Oh, you did know her.
Lieutenant, I know a lot of people without really knowing them.
You know, like barbers, waitresses, parking lot attendants,
even the cop on the beat.
Don't you? Yeah. [Chuckling] Yeah, I do, matter of fact.
I'll tell you, though. People are strange.
You know, I can't figure 'em out.  Oh, there's nothing unusual about that.
A lot of us go out early.
It's peaceful and kind of makes you feel like you're…
plugged into nature. Mmm.
Know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.
Well, say, listen. Look, you came down here…
to get away from things, and I'm just takir up your time.
I didn't mean to bother you. No, no, no. It's no bother at all.
Say, I'd be more than glad to let you have a bathing suit,
but, uh, you don't look like the athletic type to me.
Well, it's, uh, my wife that's the athlete.
Oh? Yeah.
So, you don't think I'm gonna be able to find a cabin to rent, huh? Mmm.
Best bet is to go down and check with some of the local real estate people. Uh-huh.
Because I think it'd be fun to be neighbors for a couple of weeks. [Chuckles]
[Laughs] Y-Yeah. Say, what kind of nightlife do you have around here?
Nightlife? None.
No partying? Just sleep and crickets.
Gee, I was just wonderir, because,
you know, I didn't want to barge in on you today unannounced.
I don't follow you.
But there was no one at home.
[Woman On Police Radio, Indistinct]
Uh, you a reporter?
Uh, no, uh…
Uh, Lieutenant, uh, Columbo,
uh, police.
L.A. Unit. All right.
L.A.P.D. Yeah.
What brings you down here, Lieutenant? Well, I'm workir on a case.
Uh, listen, this is not really my jurisdiction,
but do… do ya mind if I browse around?
Well, help yourself, Lieutenant. Always glad to cooperate.
[Reporter] Didn't she have a bruise on her head?
[Man] How'd you know that, Ben? Oh, come on, Sergeant. Doc Webster told us.
All right, so there was a bruise. Probably as a result of the boat capsizing and rendering her unconscious.
Any indication the lady was under the influence?
I can't ascertain that until we see an autopsy report.
The doctor's working on that right now.
[Reporter #1] Sounds like drinkirto me. [Reporter #2] Could she swim?
[Sergeant] How would I know a thing like that? I wasn't married to the lady.
[Reporter #3] Any living relatives? I don't think so. Somebody said she was a widow.
[Reporter #3] How about the rowboat? Rowboat? What about it?
Well, who'd it belong to? Where'd it come from? It belonged to the deceased.
I've got witnesses that have seen her take it out on the lake.
[Voices Continue, Indistinct]
[Reporter #1] Think she wanted some fresh air last night?
[Sergeant] This is all conjecture, gentlemen. I mean, there's no way of telling.
Maybe she did. Who knows?
It's also possible that she had a heart seizure or she got dizzy.
[Reporter #3] Then you think it was an accident. I certainly don't think it was foul play.
You gonna be in your office this afternoon? [Sergeant] Absolutely.
[Reporter #1] How long was she in the water, Sergeant? Oh, I don't know.
Wait'll we get the report. We're startirto cover the same old ground here, gentlemen.
Now, why don't you meet me in my office an hour from now.
Well, we've got some more questions here we'd like to… I'll answer 'em all then.
I'll have the reports, and I'll be able to give a lot more information. Okay? Okay, Sarge, thank you.
[Columbo Reading]
- I still don't know what this means.
- It means that he knew her.
It means that he knew her not casually, the way he said.
It means that he knew her reasonably well. All right.
You've got a romantic inscription in a book and a champagne cork.
Now, what does that prove? By itself, it doesn't prove anything.
But once you assume that Franklin committed these crimes,
everything fits together. I just can't believe it.
I've known Ken too long. He's not a murderer.
Mrs. Ferris, it wouldn't make a difference if you knew him for a hundred years.
That wouldn't change anything. This man, Franklin, took your husband's life!
Do you have a match?
Help yourself. I don't smoke.
It doesn't make sense, Lieutenant! Ken has an alibi.
What's his motive?
I told ya how he could've worked the phone.
Now, his motive is the insurance money. He needed cash.
He spent money like a drunken sailor. He had two houses.
He's got paintings. He's got women.
He's got…
What?
'Jack and Jill went up the hill.
'Did Jack killJill?
If so, find out why."
Jim. One of his story ideas.
Oh.
Lieutenant, if Ken killed my husband,
then why did he murder Miss La Sanka?
Well, it's my hunch that she knew something.
Maybe she saw them together, and she tried to blackmail him.
But that's pure guesswork, isn't it? No, ma'am, it's not. Not quite.
I checked the bank. Yesterday, he took out $15,000.
Today, he put it back in again.
Now, why in the world would he do that?
All right. I'm still not convinced, but…
let's say I'll go along.
What happens now? I don't know.
But I've got a pretty strong circumstantial case. It's just not enough.
If I had one piece of hard evidence, I could nail this fella.
But you don't. That's right, ma'am. I don't. That's why I'm here.
Maybe you can give it to me. Me?
You knew both of these fellas very well. I want you to tell me about 'em.
Anything. Just talk… whatever comes into your mind.
Kind of like analysis without the couch.
Would you like a little coffee first? That'd be fine.
Okay.
I don't know what you're looking for, but here goes.
They met in a typewriter shop, of all places.
Jim had broken a key, and Ken needed a ribbon. Does that help?
Yeah. Keep goir.
Well, I told you lot aboutJim. [Faucet Running]
He was brilliant, really. He'd wake up in the middle of the night with ideas…always throwing off sparks.
I remember he even did it on our honeymoon. [Chuckles]
Funny thing is that Ken didn't even talk about the books…
unless he was on television.
This the truck's gonna move my stuff outta suite 803? Yeah.
You almost finished? Haven't started.
- What do you mean,
you haven't started?
- I'm only the driver, mister.
Ask the other two guys. They've been in there a half an hour already.
Half hour?
[Bell Chimes]
[Door Opens, Closes]
Columbo!
Oh. Hiya, Mr. Franklin.
Just finishing up this last Melville mystery. I didn't get a chance the other day.
All right. Now, what are you doir here?
Why, I'm waiting for you. I happened to be in the neighborhood.
You're always in the neighborhood!
Can you tell me what right you've got to keep those movers out of this office?
Oh, listen, I'm sorry about that. It's just…
You know what I thought? I thought you and I should talk alone.
You and I have nothing to talk about. Yes, we do, Mr. Franklin. We have somethir to talk about.
I'm here to arrest ya for the murder of your partner.
What?
Now, it's my duty to inform you of your Constitutional rights… Oh, will you cut that drivel?
I've written that stuff so many times, I know it by heart.
 Why don't you make a statement and save us both a lot of trouble?
You know, I've really got ya.
All right, Lieutenant. You got me. I'm your prisoner. Here.
Clamp the irons on me.
Do you wanna give me a dime first, so I can phone my attorney?

I kinda knew it right from the start.
It was nothing definite. It was a lot of little things.
Little things…
driving back from San Diego on the day of the murder instead of taking a plane,
the open mail, never showing any genuine emotion for a man that you worked with for ten years…
[Laughs] With that, you know what they're gonna do?
They're gonna laugh you right outta court.
But they're not gonna laugh at the insurance policy, are they?
I've got a photostatic copy of it here in my pocket.

I've got the book that you gave to Miss La Sanka with your signature in it.
You expect to get a true bill of indictment on that… trivia?
Come on, Lieutenant.
I was down in San Diego. So was your partner.
That's a provocative statement. Can you prove that?
Yes.
 But I got another way to prove it.
Well, you enlighten me. I must say, I enjoy watching a man raise without any cards in his hand.
You know what, Ken? I'm gonna tell you the truth.
For a while there, I never thought I was gonna get you.
Believe me, you had me goir in such circles.
I couldn't figure it out. Suddenly, I thought of something…
how clever that first murder was…
the phone gimmick, working late in the office.
Brilliant. Oh, are you awarding gold medals today?
Yes! For the first one, not for the second one. That was sloppy.
Mrs. Melville, she'd have been very disappointed.
Oh, come on, get to the climax, Lieutenant.
You're talking to a writer. Am I? That's not what I heard.
And that's the key: That you're not a writer.
When Mrs. Ferris told me that you didn't contribute to the writing,
that her husband did all the work,
That's a lie. I had to say to myself,
'How could a man with no talent for mysteries make up such a clever murder?"
 I'm fascinated, as boring as it may be.
Then I got it.
The first one… the clever one… that wasn't yours.
The second one… the sloppy one… that was yours.
- But not the first.
- Oh?
And whose idea was that, then?
Your partner's. Had to be.
And his wife told me how conscientious he was.
You know, the way he used to write down his ideas on every odd scrap of paper, backs of matches, whatever…
Ahh, ah. So that's why you wouldn't let the movers in.
Well, I had to rummage around here before they emptied everything out.
Is this your partner's handwriting?
Well, I think I can prove it is. Maybe I ought to read this to ya.
'Idea for a Melville book… perfect alibi.

Tells her he's working late at the office. Bang, bang."
Sound familiar? That's the part you used,
practically word-for-word.
Should I read some more?
No. [Door Opening, Closing] Officer.
With this, I think I got a conviction, don't you?
You got to admit I had you goir for awhile though, didn't I?
Yes, you did.
[Snickers] You wanna know the irony of all of this?
That is my idea,
the only really good one I ever had.
I must've told it toJim over five years ago.

This one is as crooked as a dog's hind leg.
Fire it in the vice this afternoon.
Are those yesterday's field reports? Yes, sir.
I want them now.
[Teletype Clacking]
Three more units added to security at Coastal Aircraft.
No progress on the Fairfax Insurance investigation.
We're working with their accountants on the audit.
Uh, Brooks and Wilcox are in court this morning on the Monzio divorce.
Brooks anticipates no problem.
James case looking very positive… no negative signs in sight.
All men on surveillance have checked in except Russell,
but he's in Santa Barbara and he's undercover.
Let me have the afternoon report at 5:30. Yes, sir.
I assume our guest has arrived. Yes, sir, but Mr. Kennicutt isn't hear yet.
Well, he's not due for another 30 seconds.
He's just coming in now.
I want you to listen very carefully, please.
My name is Arthur Kennicutt. Mr. Brimmer's expecting me.
Oh, yes, sir. Would you go right in, please?
Thank you.
Oh, Mr. Kennicutt.
You're right on time.
Won't you sit down? Thank you.
Would you care for something to drink? Oh. Some coffee, black.
I was just reading one of your papers.
I see you've taken a stand on this federal judgeship that's giving everybody fits.
I'd rather not talk politics right now, Mr. Brimmer, if you don't mind.
Yes, of course. Thank you, Henry.
Well, this is your wife's file, Mr. Kennicutt,
and the fact sheet shows five weeks now of intensive surveillance.
All movement, personal contact, telephone communications.
It's really quite extensive. And?
Mr. Kennicutt, you have nothing to worry about. It's a clean bill of health.
- You sure?
- Well, I'm not in the habit
of making mistakes.
Yes. I'm sorry, of course.
But lately it's been like waiting for a biopsy report… benign or malignant.
Well, in this case, benign.
I don't know which I feel most, relief or anger.

[Brimmer] Well, sometimes there's good cause. In this case, not.
Read it at your leisure. There's not a hint of another man.
You know, it's funny.
I love her. I love her very much.
And I think I know her.
But lately I could have sworn that… Well, it doesn't matter now.
I feel so guilty, I'm going to start showering her with gifts.
She won't know what hit her.
Mr. Brimmer, I owe you a great deal.
Well, it's a pleasure to set your mind at rest, sir. Thank you.
And you'll have my check in the morning.
Very kind of you. Thank you again.
Thank you.
Could you hear everything? [Woman] Yes.
- Well, you seem confused.
- Well, I don't know why
you asked me to come here.
- I thought it was obvious.
- No, not really.
- You…
- What you're trying to say
is that I lied to your husband.
Well, that's correct, Mrs. Kennicutt.
I even went so far as to falsify the report.
- Would you like a glass of water?
- No. Uh, nothing, thank you.
In point of fact,
you were having an affair.
The mars name was Archer. It's over, Mr. Brimmer.
But I'm sure you already know that.
It was a mistake.

But I ended it.
And it won't ever happen again.
Why didn't you tell my husband the truth?
[Sighs] Oddly enough, Mrs. Kennicutt,
I am a moralist…
a vanishing species, so I'm told.
A thousand broken marriages come across my desk…
infidelities, uh, domestic deceit.
In your case, 10 years of marriage…
and one brief indiscretion.
So, why not bend the truth a little bit?
Uh, then you're not going to tell him?
I haven't and I won't. File's closed.
[Exhales Deeply]
[Sighs] Thank you.
Thank you, Mr. Brimmer.
I am so grateful.
How grateful?
Mrs. Kennicutt,
a detective agency runs on information.
That's our raw material.
Your husband owns three newspapers,
two on this coast and one on the East.
Whenever anything happens on the inside of business or politics or even in the jet-set…
I still don't understand how I…
Information, Mrs. Kennicutt.
It is our only stock in trade.
For example, at the moment I'm working on case…
wherein it would be very beneficial to my client…
to have certain information about a federal judge that your husband is supporting.
Are you saying that you want me to be a pipeline to my husband?
No. Just [Sighs] A good listener.
Is it really asking so much, Mrs. Kennicutt?
I can't do this kind of work alone.
I need that kind of help.
Why don't you think about it and we'll talk again.
[Ice Cubes Jingling]
Your terrace door was unlocked, so I trespassed.
Well, there's no car in the front.
Oh. I thought you knew everything, Mr. Brimmer. We're neighbors.
My husband and I have a weekend house about three miles from here.
Ironic, isn't it?
Why are you here?
Well, why else? To discuss your…
What shall we call it? Your proposition.
I've been walking on the beach for hours, thinking.
And you've come to a decision.
Oh, yes.
Tell me something, Mr. Brimmer.
How many other rich mers wives owe you favors?
Do they all capitulate easily?
I'm waiting for your answer.
Oh, indulge me.
I should think the blackmail-ee has some right.
Mrs. Kennicutt, I r… The answer is no.
No deal.
Is that plain enough for you? If you want a spy, you find someone else.
All right.
I'll have to call your husband in the morning and…
And what? Tell him I had an affair?
Sorry. It won't work.
I'm going to tell him myself.
I can't believe that you'd want to do that.
Well, what you believe really doesn't matter, does it?
It's what Arthur thinks that's important.
Maybe he'll ask for a divorce or maybe he'll forgive me.
But it's time I was honest with him.
You're being very foolish.
Only if I lose.
But you can't threaten me anymore, can you?
You just lost your leverage.
Oh, and one other thing.
I'm also going to tell him about the way you run your business.
I wouldn't advise that. Oh, I'm sure you wouldn't.
Because whether he forgives me or not, he's gonna despise you for lying to him.
And Arthur's not the right man to have for an enemy.
Good night, Mr. Brimmer. Mrs. Kennicutt, I want you to reconsider.
Your husband has some very powerful friends.
[Chortles] That's right.
Now, if you'll please excuse me.
I cannot permit you to do that. Well, you don't understand. It's not your choice.
You let go of me!
Let go! [Glass Shatters]
[Car Horn Blaring]
[Siren Approaching]
[Siren Dies Out]
[Engine Stops]
What's the trouble, Officer? May I see your license and registration?
Turn signal, right? The right one.
You know, it's the second time I got stopped today.
I tell you, I'll get those things fixed as soon as I can.
- You'll get 'em fixed now.
- I would, but I'm on my way
to a 187 P.C.
- Say, are you a cop?
- Uh, yeah, a lieutenant… Columbo.
Well, I'm sorry, Lieutenant, I flagged you down.
Well, that's all right.  Listen, I'll get those things fixed.
This license expires next week.
Oh. Oh, well, thanks.
Say, I better give you an escort. That way you'll get where you wanna go.
Oh. Okay. Appreciate that. But listen, not too fast.
[Police Radio Chatter]
Can't tell for sure, but I don't think she was killed her. Looks like the body was moved.
And the cause of death? Probably a severe concussion.
Print team all wrapped up, Captain. Nothing.
There were two blows. Uh, send them on home.
Laceration on the cheek and major contusion at the base of the skull.
How do you read that? It's hard to say.

- Lieutenant, you got that?
- I'll know more about this
after the autopsy.
Uh, yeah. Got a match? Plus the approximate time of death.
No. No tire tracks we can use.
Got a match? I'm sorry. I don't smoke.
Oh. No prints. Just smudges.
Money? Just change. No currency.
You got a match. No, I don't. Sorry.
Got a match. Yeah, sure.
[Captain] We're all finished here. You can load it up.
Identification and purse. Mrs. Arthur Kennicutt…
the Arthur Kennicutt.
How do you know that? Credit card's made out to Kennicutt Publications.
What's the problem? Newspapers.

Thought I told you to move that out of here.
Lieutenant, what are you looking at?
The bruise, sir. The lady has a bruise on the left cheek.
We know that.
I knew you werert listening.
[Police Radio Chatter Continues]
It's Lenore. I wanna get out of here.
Oh. Thank you, Lieutenant.
Would you like to be alone for a few moments?
No, no. I can feel sorry for myself some other time,
after you've caught him.
Well, should we get down to business?
Are you sure there's nothing else you want?
As the husband, I'm the most likely suspect, correct?
Uh… You don't have to worry about my feelings, Lieutenant.
She was killed last night. What time?
Between 8:00 and 9:00.
Well, I was in San Francisco addressing a conference.
I didn't fly back until this morning.
Uh, you have the flight numbers on that?
My secretary can give them to you,
together with my hotel and my schedule.
You'll check them all out, naturally.
Yes, sir. And when you do, you'll dismiss me as a possibility…
and then get down to the real business of finding the real killer.
And I want him found, Lieutenant.
Soon. I'll do my best.
I'm sure you will.
Uh, Mr. Kennicutt, it would help if you could tell us a few things.
Did your wife have any enemies?
Lenore never offended a soul.
She was an extraordinary woman.
I see. This question is a bit awkward, but I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask it…
was there ever, uh, another man in her life?
Naturally. More than one.
But that was years ago, before we were married.
- No, sir.
I meant since you were married.
- You're speaking of an affair?
Well, I'm afraid we're gonna have to consider it.
Well, don't bother. Lenore was faithful to me in every way.
She had a clean bill of health.
All right. Clean bill of health.
So you don't think we ought to go in that direction?
No, I don't.
All right. Can you tell us about her habits? What did she do in her spare time?
Nothing unusual.
Shopping, charity work.
Sports. Sports. What kind of sports did she play?
Oh, tennis. She was also very fond of skin diving.
Yes. Uh, did she do this with you, sir? Did she do it with friends?
With friends, Lieutenant.
Female friends, in case you're wondering.
Female friends.
All right, sir. I think I've got enough to start with.
Thank you very much.
Lieutenant,
I want you to understand something.
I married a woman young enough to be my daughter.
A lot of people were skeptical, but it worked for us.
We loved each other. We loved each other very much.
We even thought of having a child.
I want this man caught.
And I must warn you, I don't intend to be patient.
Yes, sir.
Oh, Lieutenant. Thanks for the coffee.
You're welcome, sir.
Good morning, Lieutenant. Good morning, sir.
Would you like some coffee, some juice? Uh, nothing for me.
No. Thank you very much. Any progress?
Uh, no, sir. I hate to admit this, but, uh, nothing.
Not a single lead? No, sir. Nothing.
Well, uh… Well, some of my associates think…
that, uh, your wife was mugged and the fella ran away with the money.
But, um, you see, they can't really explain how the body was moved.
And, uh, now, me, I don't know.
I, uh… I think she knew the murderer.
Why? Excuse me. [Ringing]
Yes.
Yes?
All right. Be right in.
Why? Well, her behavior seems a little strange, sir.
Uh, she went out to the beach house in the middle of the week, which is unusual.
And, uh, she said to the caretaker she had some thinking to do…
and then she went for a walk.
And then the next morning her body was found on the other side of town.
What are you getting at?
I wish I knew. I don't know.
It's just that it sounds to me like a woman that has a problem.
Now, did your wife have any personal problems? My wife was a very happy woman.
Uh-huh. Yeah, well,
it's just that if she did have a problem,
I thought that maybe it would be connected with the murder.
But you've no proof of that. Oh, no, sir. No.
Lieutenant, I call the City Room every half hour to find out what you people are doing.
So far, not a word.
No arrest… not even a promise of one.
Now you tell me you haven't a lead.
Well, I'm sorry, Mr. Kennicutt. Uh, looks like it's gonna be slow.
It doesn't have to be.
Lieutenant.
Lieutenant Columbo, this is Mr. Brimmer.
How do you do? Lieutenant.
You've heard of Brimmer Associates? Uh, no, I haven't.
Well, it's security and investigations, Lieutenant.
You might say you and I are in the same business.
Oh, really? Matter of fact, I was talking about you just last night.
I ran into the commissioner at a party.
He speaks very highly of you.
Naturally, you're wondering why Mr. Brimmer's here.
Now, please don't take this as a reflection on you,
but I've engaged his firm to work on the case.
Well, now, Arthur, I'm here in an advisory capacity… a supplemental capacity only.
I don't want the lieutenant to get the idea that I'm competing with him.
Uh, but there's no reason why a private agency and a public one…
can't cooperate, is there? No.
You see, I want as much coverage in this case as possible.
And when Mr. Brimmer called and offered his services,
I thought it was an excellent idea.
Sure, uh, I can understand that.
Uh, you two know each other?
Well, Mr. Brimmer's done some work for me.
I see. I see. [Clears Throat]
Some kind of security work? Guards for the paper?
Oh, it was a personal matter. The point is, Lieutenant,
I told Arthur on the phone I couldn't imagine you wouldn't accept a helping hand…
considering the manpower shortage in your department.
You see, Mr. Brimmer used to be a police officer himself.
[Brimmer] Well, it was a long time ago.
But at least I can understand your problems, Lieutenant.
Well, now, listen, I said to Mr. Kennicutt I'm grateful for all the help I can get.
I'm just not sure how my superior's gonna take this.
That's already been taken care of.
It's just that Mr. Kennicutt is anxious for a quick resolution to the case. You can understand that.
Well, naturally. [Brimmer] Well, good.
I hope the association will be beneficial to you.
Oh, I'm sure it will. Yeah.
You know, I suddenly feel very much more optimistic about this whole thing.
Uh, it's not based on anything, no facts, but,
you know, I'm a superstitious guy.
You know, I believe in signs. I believe in palmistry and astrology and all that kinda thing.
You don't, I know that. Oh, definitely not.
Let me see your hand.
You see, Mr. Kennicutt, that's your fate line and it breaks there.
That was your bad fortune.
But it picks up again, and that's interesting.
That's a very good omen.
May I?
Mmm.
Deep line of Apollo.
That's a man devoted to his work.
Your Apollo line crosses the mound of the Moon. You know, that's very rare.
And very impressive.
That's the sign of a man who's destined to attain a very particular kind of distinction.
That's a very good sign.
I know you think it's silly,
but I'm gonna make a believer out of you before I'm done.
It was very nice meeting you. Nice to have met you.
Bye-bye.
Oh, Mr. Brimmer. Large thumb, low mound of Venus.
That means ambition, purposefulness.
That's a closet, Lieutenant.
[Chuckles] Oh, gee. I'm sorry.
A lot of people make the same mistake.
Say, that's a terrific-looking set of clubs. Do you mind?
Go ahead.
These seem light. Are these ladies' clubs?
- They were Lenore's.
- You didn't say she played golf,
did you?
You mentioned tennis and skin diving.
- That's because she just started.
- Ahh. I see. Where'd she play?
At the country club. I see. At the club.
Well, I was just wondering why shejust didn't keep her clubs in the locker room?
She did. That's an extra set she used to take lessons with.
Oh, I see. Well, that explains it. Right.
Uh, you mean she didn't take lessons at her own club? She took them someplace else?
Sky Lane. Why, is it important?
It's not important. It's just I like to get that background information very precise if I can.
Bye.
- Is this the right door?
- [Chuckles] Yes.
Well, what was that all about?
Well, I think, uh, police techniques have changed a little over the years.
Here, try it again.
And remember, keep the back of your left hand straight.
None of this. Just stroke it easy, all right?
Oh, that was good. You're getting better.
Well, I still don't think I'm ever gonna learn this game.
Oh, you just have to keep your eye on the ball, watch your concentration.
You're coming along fine.
Do we have time for another bucket?
Sorry, Jenny. Time's up. Tomorrow, 3:00.
Tomorrow then.
You a member of the club?
Uh, no. No, I'm, uh, Lieutenant Columbo. I'm from the police.
[Mumbles]
What's the problem? I'd like to ask you a few questions about a Lenore Kennicutt.
Uh, you knew her?
Not very well.
I gave her a few lessons.
I see. Uh, well, this is your appointment book, isn't it?
Well, you should know. You've been looking at it.
Well, no offense. I was just killing time.
But, uh, you know, now that you mention it,
I see that you gave her a lot of lessons.
She liked the game. I see.
Well, look here's the thing. Um, since you spent a lot of time with her,
I was wondering if you could give me some help.
How? Was she the type of woman…
now this is just between you and me…
was she the type of woman who was on the lookout?
I mean, did you ever notice her give her eye to any of the men around here?
Uh, look, Lieutenant. We better get one thing straight.
I teach them golf and I play in their tournaments,
but I don't get involved in their personal lives.
If they wanna pair off, that's none of my business.
Okay. All right. Uh, well, thanks a lot.
It's quite all right. Take it easy.
Uh, say, uh,
what kind of club is this?
Oh, that's a number one wood.
Number one wood.
Listen, uh, could you give me a lesson?
What?
No, I'm serious. You know what my trouble is?
I work too hard. Never out of the office.
I figure this: If I could take up a sport,
get out in the fresh air and get some exercise,
that'd do me some good.
- What do you say?
- Well, I…
Just for a few minutes. Just to, you know, start to swing. Come on.
Say, you know what was a funny thing about your appointments with Mrs. Kennicutt?
Uh, the first two were in the morning…
and all the rest, and I counted 13 of them,
uh, they were always in the middle or the late afternoon.
So? Uh, well, I guess it's not important.
I guess it's nothing. Uh, wait a minute. I'll take off my coat.
Except that, uh,
now, every time you had an appointment with Mrs. Kennicutt,
it was always the last lesson of the day.
I like to finish at a reasonable hour. Doesn't everyone?
Oh, I see. So those days, you left the club.
I thought maybe you'd hang around to see if you could pick up an odd lesson.
Well, I didn't always go home.
Oh, who said anything about going home?
Oh. What I mean is I didn't always leave the club. Sometimes…
Hey, listen. Can I help you out?
Don't say anything else. You don't have an attorney.
Wait until you get an attorney. This way you can hurt your case.
Believe me, I know something about my business.
I don't know nothing about golf, you know. See that's your business.
I know something about my business.

After a while, the old nose just tells you when someone's not giving you the truth.
Now, uh, I'm gonna forget about the lesson, 'cause I could never learn this game,
but I'll be back to talk to you.
Ground covered by the police is not our concern.
One thing to bear in mind, money was taken.
Granted, it could have been a smoke screen,
but sometimes the obvious answer is the correct one.
Now, Brooks… Yes, sir?
Check into her banking account with particular attention to withdrawals.
See if you can find out how much cash she was carrying that day. Mr. Kennicutt will be glad to cooperate.
Now, my theory, gentlemen, and you will gear your efforts in this direction,
Mrs. Kennicutt was walking along the Pacific Coast Highway.
She was forced into a car…
by someone.
The motive was robbery.
She probably fought back. In any case, she was killed.
The murderer drove around in a panic…
and finally all the way out to here, where he got rid of the body.
[Intercom Buzzer] Yes?
[Woman] Lieutenant Columbo to see you. Who?
Oh, yes. Yes, send him in.
Gentlemen, we'll finish this later. I'll call you. Thank you.
Lieutenant!
Come in!
Whew! Boy. This is quite a building.
This all yours? 'Fraid so.
Must be a lot of business for your kinda company these days. Well, we can't handle it all.
Sit down. Uh, listen, your secretary called.
She said you wanted to see the files on the case, so I thought it'd be a lot safer if I brought 'em over myself.
Oh. That's very nice of you. It wasn't necessary, but I appreciate it very much.
Uh, want some coffee? No. No, thanks.
Thank you. Uh, those are the duplicates.
Okay.
Yes, this will help.
A lot of it. I wonder if you can give me a little rundown.
Well, it's just what I told Mr. Kennicutt.
No leads. Except, you know, I was looking through that stuff last night.
Mm-hmm.
And, uh, drives my wife crazy, you know.
Because we have the lamp right next to the bed, and the poor thing, she can't sleep.
Did you find anything?
No, not really. Well, uh,
take the autopsy report.
Yes. Here it is.
You see now, that jibed with something that I noticed about the body…
the first time I saw it, and that bothered me.
Mrs. Kennicutt was struck on the left cheek, and she had a bruise.
And she had a weird kinda cut.
Um…
Do you see what I mean?
Um, no. I don't think so.
Well, let's start with the cut, because that's what bothered me.
I said to myself, 'Now what in the world could have caused that kind of cut?"
Uh, does this lighter work?
Yeah, I think so.
Uh…
Uh, wh… where was I? About the cut.
Oh, yes. What could have caused the cut?
I said to myself, ' It could be a ring."
A ring of… You mean a finger ring. This kind of ring.
Yeah, something like that. Now here's the way I figured it.
Suppose you were gonna strike somebody.
Suppose it was a woman.
Now, do you punch her? Well, maybe.
But more than likely, you hit with your open hand.
Either this way or this way. Mm-hmm.
Now, if you hit this way, then the ring is not gonna cause any cut.
So I figured it was a backhand blow like this. All right?
I still don't follow you too well, because that would, uh, that would put it over on…
But I used my right hand, you see? Yeah.
And if the ring was on the right hand, then the bruise would be on the right cheek.
But it was on the left cheek, so the murderer was left-handed.
Struck her like this.
Which means the murderer is left-handed. Well, that's interesting.
That's provided, of course, all these, uh, speculations are valid.
Yeah, I would say that we have a left-handed murderer,
and, uh, and an unpremeditated crime.
We have? Oh, I think so, yes.
I mean, I don't think a man kills with his hands unless he's angry.
As a matter of fact, you know, maybe he didn't mean to do it.
Could be.
You know, maybe it was an accident.
You know, I got a feeling that when we find our friend,
it's gonna turn out that he has a terrible temper.
Hmm. [Chuckles]
Well, maybe you're right.
I certainly wish I had your crystal ball, Lieutenant.
Why don't you let me digest this material, and then we'll talk again.
Okay. All right. Fine.
Sure. Listen. I want to thank you for the time.
Listen. Thank you. Right.
Oh, listen, before I forget, uh…
Gee whiz.
I didn't wanna forget that.
But, uh, let's see.
I had a receipt here that I wanted you to sign.
Well, listen, let's just make one up.
It's a receipt for the files.
Isn't that weird?
- What a coincidence.
- What's that?
Here, a moment ago, we were talking about left-handed people, and you're left-handed.
And right-handed.
I'm ambidextrous.
That means I don't favor either hand particularly.
It's a character trait shared by about 10% of the world's population.
Ten percent? No kidding?
Anything else? Uh, no.
No, I don't think so. Uh, oh, listen. This is a little bit off the subject.
My sister-in-law, she wants to buy a place out at the beach. How do you like it out there?
Who told you I was living out at the beach? Well, no one.
L…
You know, you parked it there in the driveway.
As I was walking by, I saw the chrome was tarnished.
You know what the salt air does to it. It just eats the life out of it.
Yeah, that part's a problem, all right.

That's not what my wife says. [Laughs]
Well, you tell your sister-in-law that she will love it at the beach…
if she doesn't mind that problem with the salt air on the chrome.
I'll give her that message. And thanks again.
Thank you.
Oh, uh, say.
Have you ever been in Mr. Kennicutt's house?
Yes, I met you there.
No, I didn't mean the big house. I meant out at the beach.
I was just wondering, because your beach house and his beach house, they're fairly close, aren't they?
No. It's a couple miles.
That close? Tsk. Isn't that a coincidence?
[Chuckles]
I'll tell you, this case is just full of'em.
[Door Closes]
[Sighs] Why don't you and I take a walk?
When you showed up today, I… I kinda panicked.
Then you did have an affair with her?
Turning on the ladies is about the only thing I do well.
I'm not a very good golfer. Yeah, go on.
Well, it was pretty good for a while…
at least for me.
She got the guilts.
Funny thing, I think she really loved her husband.
One day she said, 'Ken, this is bad for both of us. Let's call it off." So we did.
Must have shook you up when we found her dead.
I couldn't believe it.
Then I got to thinking, sooner or later, you guys would find out about me.
Maybe even think I killed her.
The night she died, I was… I was home watching the tube.
No calls. No company.
No alibi. That's… That's why I started to run.
Uh-huh. I can understand that.
You didn't kill her.
No, no. I know that, but this afternoon, you gave me the impression…
No. You're in the clear. You got nothing to worry about.
You see, whoever did this, he had to wear a ring.
Now, you don't wear a ring.
Well, I could have taken it off.
No, not with that tan, because that would show.
Now listen. Tell me something.
Mrs. Kennicutt…
Did Mrs. Kennicutt ever indicate to you…
that she was concerned that her husband knew about you two?
No.
That's funny that you mention it though,
because, well, I was concerned.
Why?
Well, Lenore never saw anyone, but I'm sure we were being followed.
By who?
Well, there was this one guy in particular.
Sharp, well-dressed. I only caught him in flashes, but…
Well, he… he had a crew cut. Kind of an ex-marine type.
[Telephone Ringing]
- Yes?
- Wilcox, Mr. Brimmer.
The subject is meeting with Archer, and they've engaged in conversation.
Did you overhear anything?
No, sir. But Archer seems to be doing most of the talking.
Maintain the surveillance and report to me in the morning.

Hello?
Oh, yes, he is. Leo.
Mr. Brimmer.
- Yes, sir?
- I'm sorry to trouble you at home, Leo.
No sweat. Just playing with Teddy.
Well, I've got a little something I want you to do for me. It may complicate your life a little bit.
- When?
- Immediately.
- Set it up through my secretary.
- Yes, sir. I'll be in touch.
Every one of our operatives is a skilled marksman.
Actually, our policy is to avoid the use of the weapon.
This is our memory bank, Lieutenant.
Millions ofbits of information,
all cross-filed and on tape, immediately available.
There are more electrical impulses in this room than in your brain.
Hard to believe. [Chuckles]
We here at Brimmer Associates use the most up-to-date equipment.
Years ahead of what you use at police headquarters.
Company cars… custom designed for us.
Most of them with telephonic or radio communication.
Phew! It's very impressive.
Oh, uh, just one moment, Lieutenant.
One other thing that might interest you.
If you'll just move past this gate.
- It's not working.
- Well, it has to be.

No. No? Oh.
Well, that explains the malfunction.
Look here. A special system is built into the gate.
Now, if you had a gun, it would have registered.
It's just like out at the airport.
It's a security precaution.
Not that we expect our clients to be carrying concealed weapons, but, uh,
well, there have been a few exceptions.
Really? Well, a guy came in here just about a month ago.
Harmless looking. An accountant for Mid-Century Oil.
We were doing a company audit. [Brimmer] Mr. Denning?
I asked you to show the lieutenant around.
I did not suggest that you discuss our confidential matters…
with anyone at anytime!
Our clients pay us to be discreet.
Yes, sir.
Won't you come in, Lieutenant?
Sorry about the outburst, but my people have got to learn.
This is a business of trust. I can't have them gossiping about the clients.
Thank you, Henry.
Hope you'll have lunch with me. Like quenelle of sole?
Uh, well, if it's fish, I like fish. I love fish.
Yeah, it's fish. Drop your coat and dig in.
On the Kennicutt case, my men have come up with an interesting lead.
There were two derelicts seen in the area.
I have their description. I sent them over to your office, copies.
Right. Uh, I'll have that checked out.
Anything new on your end?
Uh, oh, yeah. Yeah, we got a couple of things.
It seems as though Mrs. Kennicutt was having an affair, you see?
Uh…
Boy, this is delicious. How do you make this stuff?
I'll have a recipe sent over to you. You were saying?
Oh, yeah. Uh, it seems as though…
Mrs. Kennicutt, uh, she was having an affair.
And, uh… Oh?
And, uh… Oh, listen, when you send the recipe, would you send it to the house?
- Don't send it to the office.
- Yes, I'll send it to your house.
Yeah, she was having an affair with some golf pro at some country club.
And, uh, here's the interesting thing.
Not only were they having an affair,
but it seems as though they were being watched.
Now I got this nutty notion.
Suppose Mr. Kennicutt, uh…
I'll tell you, it's too far-fetched.
Sometimes it helps to test it out. Try me.
It's really crazy. Well, listen. It doesn't cost anything.
Suppose… Suppose Mr. Kennicutt…
hired somebody to check up on his wife.
And this somebody lied to him.
He said to Mr. Kennicutt, ' Look.
Your wife, she's got a clean bill of health."
Now this somebody, whoever it is,
he's in a perfect position to blackmail Mrs. Kennicutt.
Now suppose she refuses.
See?
Hmm. I think it's a terrific motive, don't you?
Lieutenant, you have a marvelously convoluted mind.
I do? I like it.
The trouble with your theory is, not only is it very tenuous,
but it's impossible to prove, isn't it?
I, uh… Oh. Got a little tomato on that there.
Well, I said it was nutty.
What do you think? You think I oughta drop it, hmm?
[Clears Throat] If you believe in it, stick to it.
Run it on down.
One other thing you should keep in mind.
Nothing at all to do with the case.
- What's that?
 You can see that.

Oh, boy. You really know how to toss a curve.
No, no, I don't mean it that way. I'm quite serious.

Whew! Boy. I'll tell you, it's all so sudden.
Uh, let me talk it over with my wife.
Of course talk it over with your wife. Think about it carefully.
But remember, we want you here.
Listen. I'm very flattered. I mean that.
Just let me mull it over a little bit.
Well, while you're mulling,
consider my career.
If I'd stayed with the force,
by now, probably with luck,
I could have been a captain of detectives.
Hmm? With one eye on the promotion list, and the other eye on my car payments.
No house by the ocean.
No freedom to travel. No… what would you say?
Power or sense of accomplishment.
Have I succeeded in getting through…
[Clears Throat] In stimulating you?
Definitely. Yes, sir.
Yes, I'm gonna give it all a lot of thought.
That's as much as I can ask.
Uh, one thing. Hmm?
If I came with you, would I still be working on the Kennicutt case?
Well, let's see.
I have men who are perfectly capable of handling the Kennicutt case.
No. I have several other matters that are far more important than that I'd like to put you on right away.
Lieutenant, to the knock of opportunity.
Hey. Hi.
Dry throat for some reason. Oh, help yourself.
Yeah. Hey, I hope I didn't get you into trouble before.
I mean, I'm sorry about what happened. I'm used to it.
Why? Does he blow off a lot of steam?
Well, let's just say our founding father has quite a temper.
No kidding. That's funny, because he…
he looks to me like he's a guy that's always under control.
Uh, correction. He's under control most of the time.
And when people like that let go, stand back.
Oh. I'll tell you why I'm interested. He offered me a job.
Oh? Yeah.
Well, welcome to the family. Yeah, here's my problem.
I don't know how much to ask for. Whatever you can get.
Top man can pull down about 30,000.
No kidding? [Whistles] That's a lot of money.
Gee, listen. Does anybody else here make more than that?
I mean, besides Mr. Brimmer?
Well, maybe Leo.
Who's Leo? Leo Gentry.
He's the boy who gets the cream of the cases. Hey, I think I know him.
Crew cut, ex-marine type?
Yeah, that's Leo.
Teacher's pet, at least this month.
Hey, listen. Where can I talk to him?
Maybe he can give me a few pointers.
Oh. I haven't seen him around yet today, but, uh…
I'll get his address from Personnel.
Uh, don't mention it to Brimmer.
Who me? No. That's the last thing I'd do.
[Children Chattering]
Higher. Higher? Listen.
Hey, what's going on?
Mrs. Gentry?
Nothing frightens him. You can't scare this boy.
I said higher! Higher?
All right, listen.
No, I wanna eat it. You wanna eat it.
All right. Here you go. You're coming down.
Down to earth. There you are. Get your ice cream.
Do we know each other? Uh, no. Uh, my name is Columbo.
I'm a lieutenant. I'm from the police.
My daddy's a private eye. I know that, Teddy.
And he's a very good one. Listen. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
- Well, is it about Leo's work?
- Well, not exactly.
I'm working on a case, and I thought maybe he could help me out.
- But I can't seem to locate him.
- He went away.
That's right, Lieutenant. His boss called last night…
and sent him on a special assignment.
Oh, I see. Uh, do you know where he went?
Or, uh, how long he's gonna be away?
Sorry. That's the way it is with Leo.
He took his passport, so I guess he's overseas somewhere.
I see. Is there something wrong?
No, no, no. No, not really. Listen. Maybe you could help me out.
Was Leo recently on a case where he was following a woman? A married woman?
Well, it's… it's possible, but I don't really know.
No? You never discuss Leo's work?
No. It's a household rule.

If Leo were to tell me anything, it'd be all over the Laundromat.
If you have any questions, you better ask Leo.
It's kinda hard to ask him, because I can't locate him.
He went away.
But why don't you talk to his boss, Mr. Brimmer?
He can tell you what Leo's working on.
Uh, oh, yeah. I, uh… Thanks.
I have the feeling he won't be too much help.
But, uh, at any rate, uh, I'm sorry I bothered you.
Bye-bye, Teddy.
F- E-L-O-P-
Z-D.
All right. Now try the next to the bottom line.
F-D-P-
T-C-E-O?
Perfect vision. Well, it should be. This is a new prescription.
Here's your temporary. You should have your license in a few weeks.
Thank you very much. Keep this too.
Next.
Now, while I mark your test, please read from the eye chart, third line down.
Did that lady say that she just got a new pair of glasses?
- What?
- [Slams Counter]
- She wasn't wearing glasses.
- Of course she was.
Excuse me. Uh, wait. What about the eye chart?
And all of a sudden, I remembered this picture. See? She's wearing glasses.
But there were no glasses on the body.
Now, could she have dropped them somewhere?
I'm sorry, Lieutenant, but you're on the wrong track.
Why? Well, shortly after that picture was taken,
Lenore gave up wearing glasses.
She switched to contact lenses.
Ah, contact lenses.
Just a matter of vanity. She thought she looked better.
Uh-huh. Did she wear 'em often?
All the time. She was extremely nearsighted.
Mr. Kennicutt, where's your wife's personal effects?
The funeral director sent them over.
I've avoided going through them.
Do you mind? No, go ahead.
This her lens case?
Yes.
It's empty.
Well, she was probably wearing them when she died.
Well, then maybe, uh…
Maybe what?
Mr. Kennicutt, I'm gonna ask your permission for something.
This is the world's biggest long shot.
And it's gonna be painful for you.
But I think it's won'th a try.
Would it help? There are no guarantees.
All right, Lieutenant. You have a blank check.
Mobile Operator, the number I want is 476-7301.
[Line Ringing] They just arrived, and they're entering the vault.
The medical examiner's with them. Why? What's the reason?
Haven't been able to find out, sir, but I did learn one thing.
Kennicutt signed an exhumation order.
All right, stay there. I'll be right over.
Get my car ready.
He says it won't take long.
[Car Ignition Grinding]
[Ignition Continues Grinding]
What's the trouble? I don't know, sir.
The battery's okay, but the car won't start.
[Ignition Grinding] I'm in a hurry. Get me another car.
Yes, sir.
Have this one serviced. Tell them I want it tomorrow. Yes, sir.
[Tires Squealing]
[Police Radio Chatter]
[Police Radio Chatter Continues]
Arthur. I should have phoned you, but there wasn't time.
Well, it's all right. One of my men told me you were here.
Something break? I don't know yet. They're exhuming Lenore's body.
Tell me why.
Well, the lieutenant's working on a long shot.
Apparently, she was wearing her contact lenses when she was killed.
How's that significant?
Well, there's a chance that she might have lost one of them…
maybe both of them at the scene of the crime.
Well, Arthur, I don't like to be critical,
but that's more than a long shot.
You might as well buy a lottery ticket.
Maybe not. Listen to me.
My nephew wears those things, and half of the time they're falling out.
Now, the other morning at breakfast, one of them ended up in the cereal.
[Brimmer] Mrs. Kennicutt is not your nephew, Lieutenant.
Listen. Mrs. Kennicutt was struck forcibly. Now let's bear that in mind.
Why isn't it possible that they were knocked loose?
Anything's possible.
The autopsy report said nothing about any of this at all.
Listen. Forget about the autopsy report. I checked with the medical examiner about that.
They snuffed it off. They didn't even bother to look.
All they were concerned about was the cause of death.
[Man] Lieutenant.
Well, I hope it's not a waste.
What else can I do?
I've got to pursue every possibility.
Arthur, it's almost a criminal breach…
to disappoint you now after what you've been through.
Move over.
Listen. We're in luck. The right contact lens is missing, and it's not in the coffin.
Well, it might have fallen out in the morgue, I guess.
Or in the ambulance. Or in the street.
She might have lost it before she was killed.
Could be a hundred places. That's true, but maybe…
and this is what we gotta hope for…
maybe it's at the place where she was murdered.
[Kennicutt] But we don't know where that place is.
[Columbo] No, sir, we don't. We don't know for sure.
But I've got a few hunches.
Unless you can be specific, I can't help.
I think the lieutenant deserves some room. Don't you?
As you wish.
Thank you, sir. I will. But keep us posted.
Yes, sir. I will. I'll keep you posted.
[Sighs]
I only wish one thing.
I wish the murderer knew about this.  Lieutenant.
Listen. I'm sorry to bother you at this hour, but, uh… May I come in?
Yes, sure. Come on in. There's something I wanted to talk to you about.
Okay. Fine, if you can make it a little brief. It's been a late day.
Oh, sure. Say, this is some terrific place you got here.
And you got the sound of the ocean all the time, huh? Yeah.
Well, me, I love the beach. I love it.
Except when the water gets cold, then I don't like to go in. Then I like a pool.
Lieutenant, did you say you had something on your mind?
Oh, yeah. It's about that job you offered me.
I've been giving it a lot of thought.
Uh, as a matter of fact, uh, I haven't been able to sleep.
And, uh…
Boy, this is a fantastic rug. My wife would love this rug.
We gotta get a new rug, and this is just the kind she wants.
Fantastic piling, huh?
Very soft.
Bet you could lose a shoe in here for a week, you wouldn't find it. It's late.
I still got a lot of work to do. You were talking about my job offer.
I really don't think I'd be very happy making a change, you know.
I like it where I am. It's not a bad life.
Mm-hmm. Okay. Uh, is that final?
I think so, yes. No hard feelings?
No, no, certainly not. I just, uh…
Well, I think you're making a mistake. That's all.
You're probably right. You know, my wife,
she's always said I don't have enough ambition.
You know what it was that really made up my mind?
What was that? The Kennicutt case.
I don't wanna give up working on it just now.
Not when I'm so close to a solution.
Well, uh, are you gonna let me in on it?
Oh, certainly. Don't worry.
You'll be the first to know. Good night.
Good night.
[Car Door Closes] [Engine Starts]
[Vehicle Departs]
- Hello?
- Yes, this is Mr. Brimmer.
You took my car in to be repaired, didn't you?
Yes, sir. Just like you said. They'll try to have it for you as soon as they can.
All right then. Good night.
[Footsteps]
[Keys Jingling]
[Car Door Opens, Closes]
You mind telling us what you're doing?
I'd say that was none of your business, Lieutenant.
Well, if you say so, but, uh, it's gonna be kinda hard to explain, isn't it?
I mean, breaking and entering? That's against the law.
Checking the trunk of your car. What in the world were you looking for?
Papers… for a case.
I thought they were here. It's an emergency.
Why don't you admit it? You were searching the trunk, 'cause that's where you hid the body.
All right. What's the next step?
Why don't we go downtown and talk it over? Am I under arrest?
I guess you could say so. On what evidence?
I think it's gotta be more comfortable downtown. All right.
Let's get this farce over with.
Grab his arm!
It was an accident, Arthur.
It wasn't… premeditated.
I hardly knew your wife.
I didn't want to hurt either one of you.
It happened.
How'd you get it?
I got it from the cut on her cheek and your ring.
You never should have let me read your palm.
'Cause then I felt the ring and I felt the two diamonds sticking out…
and that raised rectangular border.
That matched up with the cut on her cheek.
You should have taken that job.
You know, we're lucky Lenore lost this.
Uh, she didn't lose it. What?
When I spoke to the medical examiner at the cemetery,
he told me that both contact lenses were on the body.
But that's impossible. If it isn't hers, whose was it?
Who knows? Anyway, it doesn't make any difference.
The fact that it's not the real contact lens, that doesn't count.
What does count is Mr. Brimmer's actions…
coming here tonight, trying to get rid of that thing…
and doing it all in front of witnesses.
What would you have done if the car hadrt broken down?
You couldn't set up this trap.
Well, I guess we would have found some other way.
You know what this place reminds me of?

And we figured out a perfect way to put a car out of commission.
You take a potato, you stick it in the exhaust pipe.
It doesn't cause any damage, but the car won't start.
It was a terrible thing to do. And I got a feeling…
that the reason I became a cop was to make up for all those jokes I played when I was a kid.
[Doorbell Ringing]
Dutton. General Hollister.
Come in.
You want a drink? No. No, thank you, sir. I don't have much time.
I would have called, but… But what?
I didn't want to risk a wiretap.
A wiretap?
You sound paranoid, Colonel.
No, General. Just being cautious.
And the reason for this… caution?
The word just came down this morning.
A special directive to all section chiefs.
The Inspector General's starting a full-scale investigation of arms contracts.
I see.
You're sure? Yes, sir.
That's unfortunate.
But I suppose it would have happened sooner or later.
If they find out… They won't find out.
General, if anyone digs deep enough…
they're bound to discover that I've let your construction company charge us a fortune in cost overruns.
You'll offer the standard explanation…
unforeseen difficulties in developing the arms system.
It won't stand up, General. When the I.G. Sees your bargain-basement bids…
he'll know I let you practically steal those contracts.
They'll indict both of us.
As you say, Colonel, you're the one that accepted the bids.
You approved the overruns.
With that much money involved, they'll know we had to be in it together. I'm getting out.
Oh?
I'm leaving for Geneva tonight.
And if I may make a suggestion, General, you might do the same. I have a business to run.
Besides, I never believed in a forced retreat.
Well, maybe you can bluff them, sir, but I don't have your reputation.
You'll have less of a reputation if you go AWOL. It's an admission of guilt.
They won't know it for 30 days. I just took my annual leave.
It's a small world, Colonel. They'll find you.
No way, sir. I'll manage to disappear.
And, uh, if they do, just for the sake of argument?
Naturally, l-I'd keep your involvement to myself. I'd refuse to testify.
Not even to shorten a jail sentence for giving evidence?
Believe me, sir, there's nothing to worry about. They won't know where I am.
How did you get here, Colonel? Taxi?
No, sir. I drove. Why?
I've been thinking.
You present me with a problem.
Problem?
You assure me… that my name will never come into this…
that, uh, you'll be my protector.
I'm afraid I can't take that risk.
[Weapon Cocks]
[Seagulls Cawing]
Did you see that? What?
Uh, a man just shot someone!
But where? Over there.
There. See? I don't see anything.
He just moved away from the window. You've been out in the sun too long.
Mother, I'm telling you… Oh, it's a mirage.
No. No, we're going back.
We're going what? Which way is back?
Which way is… What are you doing? Ooh! Ooh!
I got it. It's all right. I'm all right. I'm all right. You take this.
Yeah, l-I got that. Now… Now, y-you take this.
But what'll I do with it?
Uh, Mr. Barnes!
[Banging]
- Here, let me give you a hand.
- Thank you, Mr. Barnes.
The only thing I can say about the way she handles a boat… You certainly know when she's docked.
Whiplash.
If you hand me your aft line, Mrs. Wallace, I'll secure your stern.
I beg your pardon!
 Yes, uh, of course. Is this it?
Yeah, that's it.
Thank you. [Sighs]
I never thought we'd make it.
Neither did I.
Couldn't do it, eh? What?
Call the police. I knew you'd come to your senses.
They must get a thousand eyewitness crank calls an hour.
What are you gonna do?
Oh, hello, Operator. Could I please have the police? I'd like to report a shooting.
Hello. Is this the police?
Oh. Uh…
This is Mrs. Stewart. Uh, I'm down at, uh, the boat place, and…
[Siren Wails]
Officer Sanchez. Oh.
Mrs. Stewart? No, I'm Mrs. Stewart. That's my mother, Mrs. Walters.
You reported a shooting? Yes. Uh-huh.
Yes?
Oh. Well, um, this man in a bathrobe…
um, uh, he shot another man i-in a uniform.
What kind of uniform was it?
Oh, well, I… [Clicks Tongue]
I can't tell the difference between an usher and a mailman. [Chuckles]
I mean, I can tell them apart, but not what they're wearing, you know. But…
Well, l-I'm sure it was a military uniform.
Did you see anything, ma'am? Mm-mm.
My daughter's the one who sees things, Officer, not me.
Just because you were looking in the other direction doesn't mean that I didn't see it. Come on.
Uh, where was this shooting, Mrs. Stewart?
Right over there. See? See that house over there?
[Sanchez] Are are you sure? Oh, yes. Oh, yes.
Do you know who lives in that house?
Uh… Well, no. Does it matter?
I'd rather not say till we've had a chance to investigate. Oh, yeah.
May I have your address? She lives with me.
8090 Vale.
May I have your phone? 985-4321.
Okay. Thank you.
Is that… Is that all?
For now. If we need anything more, you'll be contacted. Oh.
Thank you. Uh, 985-4321.
Yes, ma'am.
Come on. Come on! You know, I…
On that shooting report, Sergeant, the witness says it occurred in General Hollister's house.
The General Hollister? Yes, sir.
It just doesn't seem right that a slick sleeve like me…
would barge in and ask a man like General Hollister if he just shot somebody.
I see your point, Sanchez. I'd better send over somebody from Homicide.
Stand by, and I'll have him there as soon as I can.
Roger.
Sorry, sir. Huh? For what?
This spot's reserved. Oh. I see. All right.
Uh… Uh…
Who is it reserved for? The police.
I think I'm the one that you're waiting for.
I'm, uh, a lieutenant. My name is Columbo.
Oh. Sorry, Lieutenant. I was expecting an official car.
That's all right.
Your name is Sanchez? Yes, sir.
I see. That's General Hollister's house right there.
Did anyone come in or out since you've been here?
Two young fellows in cadet uniforms went in a little while ago.
That's their wagon over there. Uh-huh.
Is there another way out of this house? By water.
The general's got a yacht in a slip in back of the house.
I see. I'm gonna go in and speak to the general.
While I'm doing that, I want you to search the yacht.
But, Lieutenant, I don't have a warrant.
Well, I'll ask the general for permission.
If he doesn't give it, then I'll get a warrant.
In the meantime, check it out.
Pay particular attention to the engines.
And if you find out anything, let me know.
[Doorbell Ringing]
Uh, General Hollister? Yes?
I'm from the police, sir. My name is, uh, Columbo. Lieutenant Columbo.
Yes, Lieutenant?
I'm terribly sorry to disturb you, sir, but we have this report, uh, about this shooting.
- A shooting?
- Yes, sir. In this house.
That's quite an opening line, Lieutenant.
Sir, I'm sure it's just a crackpot complaint, but I…
But it's your job to follow it up.
Yes, sir.
I understand. I've had to do many unpleasant things myself in the line of duty.
But may I ask, this alleged shooting…
Just who is supposed to have shot whom?
Well, you see, sir, we don't know exactly.
Only that the, uh, victim was wearing some kind of a uniform.
A uniform.
Well, come in.
These young men are from my alma mater, Lieutenant, M.M.I.
They're here to take away my military souvenirs for, uh…
permanent enshrinement at the Memorial Hall.
As a matter of fact, Lieutenant, M.M.I. Is giving me a testimonial dinner tonight.
[Hammering] They're commemorating the 20th anniversary of my retirement…
and the opening of the Hollister Exhibit.
Yes. General, do you think I could, uh, look inside?
Lieutenant, wouldn't that be a little obvious?
I wanna be in a position, sir, where I can tell my superiors that I've checked everything out.
They've already started nailing it shut. Uh, it's just two nails, sir.
Very well. Gentlemen, I have a friend here who would like to inspect the contents of the crate.
Would you open it again, please? Yes, sir.
Wow!
A lot of guns. [Chuckles]
War trophies, Lieutenant.
Uh, AK-47 assault rifle.
PPSH-41. Drum.
PPSH-41clip.
All Soviet-made, and, as you've observed, all with their firing pins removed.
I see. They're very, very interesting, General. [Clicks]
War mementos, Lieutenant.
Lively memories, empty uniforms…
uh, all carefully packed, Lieutenant, for the exhibit.
Oh. Oh, yes, of course. I'm sorry, sir. Uh…
I'll just put these back in here.
There you are. I, uh…
I think that, uh, is fine. Thank you very much.
Carry on, gentlemen.
Could I offer you something? Oh, no. Thank you very much.
Say, you got a beautiful place here. Thank you.
It's roomy, and it's homey, and…
That's a fireplace.
Wow!
You know, when I was a kid, we used to have those fake wooden kinds.
I don't know if you remember them or not, General.
They had a fan in the back. And it had a red light and ribbons.
You'd turn on the fan, and the ribbons, they would flutter there.
Yeah, they were terrific.
That's funny. What's funny?
Don't you have those irons?
You know, like you put in a fireplace to put the, uh…
Oh. Uh, andirons. Andirons. Yeah.
No. I never build a fire there. It's too much trouble. Oh.
Easier to turn up the thermostat. I see.
Uh… Oh, uh, for show.
Oh, that's for show. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Lieutenant, I've been thinking.
The person who turned in that report was right.
There was someone here in uniform.
Me.
While I was packing…
I couldn't resist, uh, trying on the old harness, you know.
I'm glad to be able to tell you that, uh, I can still get into it.
You know, the report said there was another man here, and he was dressed in a bathrobe.
Whoever filed that report was seeing double.
Yes, I was wearing a bathrobe while I was packing.
Got a match? A match.
There you are. Thank you.
Hey, that's quite a lighter. One of a kind.
Yeah, that's something. [Coughs]
Didn't you say that you were gonna send all of your stuff over to the exhibit?
Not quite everything, Lieutenant.
This has a very personal meaning for me.
It's a gift from my staff on the day that I retired from service.
Oh. Yeah.
General, uh, do you mind if I look around?
No. By all means, help yourself.
Not much to see here.
Just a basic B.O.Q.
I guess that's why I like it.
Any servants? Just a housekeeper. Comes in twice a week.
Good night, General.
Oh. Let me get the door.
Careful.
Good night.
Lieutenant, the bedrooms are this way.
Guest bedroom, Lieutenant.
Master bedroom.
General, have you been here all day?
No. I was out on my boat till about 2:00.
You didn't go out after that, sir? No.
I was here packing, getting ready for the testimonial dinner.
Do you mind if I look in your closet? No.
By all means, be thorough, Lieutenant.
Extra uniforms.
General, that's a lot of fruit salad.
Past history… all to be donated, Lieutenant.
Well, you've had the tour. Anything else I can do for you?
No, I guess that's it.
Unless…
Unless what?
Well, as long as I'm here, uh…
do you happen to own a gun, General?
A handgun? A hand… Oh. No, I…
Yes. Yes, I do.
A target pistol. [Chuckles]
It's a funny thing. I never think of it as a weapon.
.22 caliber Hi-Standard.
Supermatic Trophy model. There you are. Hmm?
What's that medal for?
Oh, [Chuckles]
That's a first with the United States Marine Pistol Team.
You know, Lieutenant, uh…
I had this out earlier today.
I was thinking of giving it over to the exhibition…
although it's never had anything to do with my military career.
I was, uh…
I… Oh, yes!
Yes, I remember now.
I stumbled over the crate as I was looking at the gun.
- That must've been what your witness saw.
- Of course.
Oh, well, there we are, huh?
There we are.
Oh. [Laughs]
I doubt if I could… if I could win any medals today.
I've been so busy for months, I haven't had any chance to practice.
[Sniffs] Here, see for yourself.
Well, I'm not a ballistics expert, sir.
Well, take it along with you. Have your people check it out.
No, I don't think that'll be necessary, sir.
I think I'm on a wild-goose chase. [Chuckles]
Matter of fact, uh, I don't think there's much else I can, uh, look for, General.
Uh, I think I'll be running along.
Before you go, Lieutenant, uh…
just who, uh… who reported this… murder?
No, I never said it was a murder, sir.
Well, this alleged shooting. Who turned in the report?
I'm afraid I can't tell you that, sir. Oh.
No, sir. That's against regulations. Oh, yes, of course.
Well, there's one thing for sure…
that whoever it was, it had to be some…
some guy out here in a boat in the marina.
General, I'd like to keep the record straight on that.
Now, I never said that it was a man.
Oh, you mean it was a woman? Now, I never said that either, sir.
Well, it doesn't make any difference.
Mistakes have no gender.
Well, that's for sure. [Chuckles]
Uh… Well, I want to apologize for takir up your time.
Please, don't give it a thought.
Good night, sir. Good night, Lieutenant.
Oh, uh, one thing I almost forgot. Yes?
Uh, your boat. What about it?
I had the boat checked out, sir, while we were talking.
I didn't think you had anything to hide, sir, and I just thought it would save some time.
I always preached initiative to my men, so I don't see how I can object now.
And you're right. You did save time.
Thank you, sir. Thank you, Lieutenant.
Good night. Good night.
Oh, General, enjoy your dinner.
Oh. Well, thank you, Lieutenant.
[Door Closes]
[Police Radio Chatter]
Didn't find a thing. The engines?
They were cold.
This Mrs. Stewart, did she look like she'd could have been doing any drinking?
Could've been. I don't really know.
I guess we both got a lot of paperwork to do, huh?
[Engine Starts]
- Here, Joey.
Gas up number two, will you?
- Mr. Barnes.
Hi, General. Hi. How are you?
Mr. Barnes, a couple of hours ago, out on the marina, somebody waved at me.
I think it was an old friend. You got any idea who it could have been?
Was it one of my boats?
I think it might have been, yeah. You might have it there in the record.
- It was probably Mrs. Stewart
and her mother.
- Mrs. Stewart. That's it.
Do you know where she lives? I'd like to have a few words with her.
Yeah, sure. I got it right here. Good.
Hey, General, you're not gonna go sailing with her, are you? Why?
She's the worst… man, woman or child.
She can't sail. I couldn't take my eyes off her. Really?
I thought that she was gonna keel over any minute.
Well, I'll watch it, Mr. Barnes.
Thanks for your good thought. Here you go.
Thank you. Thank you very much.
[Laughing] d [Rock]
[Laughing Continues]
d [Soft Jazz]
[Knocking On Door] Just a minute.
Mrs. Stewart? Yes.
Lieutenant Columbo, from the police, about a report you made of a shooting.
Oh! Yes. Come in.
[Mother] Who is it, Helen? It's the police, Mother.
[Helen] Um, we'rejust having a, uh, before-dinner cocktail.
Would you, um, uh… No, that's all right.
Ask for his identification.
Oh, Mother, uh… I'm sorry, Lieutenant.
That's all right. That's all right. She's entitled to that.
You must be Mrs… Walters. Right. Mrs. Walters. Walters.
Here you are, ma'am.

I have to make a salad.
Here you are. Thank you.
Mother is the eternal optimist.
She's always hoping for the worst. [Laughs]
Well, Lieutenant, uh, what, uh…
What is that? Do you mind?
Would you like to see it? I'd like it very much.
Well, it's… it's not finished yet.
When it's done, it's gonna be a bowl.
You know, like for plants and things. Um…
Or maybe it's gonna be an Indian water pitcher.
I haven't really made up my mind yet, creatively speaking.
Well, this work is very, very interesting.
Well, they say it's important to work with your hands.
It's very good therapy…
and she needs it.
I'm just a mass of therapeutic studies lately…
sailing, art classes.
I even went back to work. What do you do?
I work with children and animals.
Well, that's… that's constructive.
You see that? That's a reflection of my job.
Oh. You don't know what it is, do you?
Uh, no, I don't know what it is, but it's very nice.
Well, it's a South American llama. We have them at the Ark Park.
At the where?
The Ark Park. That's where I work with the children and the animals.
I see. So this fella here is a llama, huh?
Well, you see, I try and go beyond the surface, you know…
to find, um, a deeper meaning, a-a truer reality.
[Chuckles]
At least, that's what I think I do. [Chuckles]
Mrs. Stewart, I'm gonna get right to the point.
You know, I couldn't find any evidence of any shooting in that house that you pointed out.
I mean, there was no gun. There was no victim. There was nothing.
Just a house, a fella livirin it.
Well, I know what I saw.
- Maybe you think you saw it.
- What does that mean?
The fella that owns that house is a retired marine general.
He says that if you saw him in the window…
one, he was alone, and two, he was wearing a bathrobe.
What about the man in uniform?
He says that later on, he did try on an old uniform…
and he was carrying a target pistol at the time.
He says he happened to trip over a crate that he was packing.

Oh, very reasonable, but it's not what I saw.
Uh-huh. I see.
Uh, did you ever wear glasses?
No, I don't wear glasses. I have perfect vision.
- No, I have better than perfect vision.
- Mm-hmm.
Look, uh, I don't want you to get offended at what I'm gonna say now, but, uh…
were you doir a little drinkir this afternoon?
Oh!
Oh, Lieutenant, this is really too much!
I mean, that police officer this afternoon, and then my mother, and now…
I am not hallucinating! I'm just trying to reconcile your story.
I saw two men… one in a bathrobe, and the other one in a uniform.
The one in the bathrobe shot the other man.
That is the simple truth… the sane and the sober and the simple truth.
Now, do you believe me?
Mrs. Stewart, a murder charge is about as serious as you can get.
Lieutenant, I didn't ask you if it was a serious charge.
I asked you if you believe me.
You always did have a weird imagination, even as a child.
Those imaginary playmates, all those games.
You never wanted to face reality.
Mother, to some people…
that would have meant that I had a creative and imaginative mind.
[Knocking On Door] I'll get it.

Yes? [Chuckles] Mrs. Stewart?
No, no, no, no. I'll… I'll call her for you.
Helen darling, there's a gentleman here to see you.
[Helen] For me? Yes. Yes.
Yes? You're Mrs. Stewart?
[Stammers] You seem surprised.
Well, uh, pleasantly, I assure you.
What can I do for you?
You can watch the 11:00 news on television tonight.
What?
Apparently I need a character reference.
[Chuckles] L-I'm afraid I don't understand.
You don't recognize me?
[Chuckles] No. Should I?
You said that you saw me… shoot somebody today.
No, no. You have nothing to fear from me, Mrs. Stewart.
But if you'll watch the late news tonight…
I'm sure you'll agree that, uh, you've miscast me… as a murderer.
Earlier this evening, General Martin J. Hollister was honored by his alma mater…
the Marine Military Institute.
At the banquet tonight, M.M.I. Dedicated the Hollister Exhibit…
in their Memorial Hall.
The General thereby joining other select alumni…
who have distinguished themselves in the defense of their country.
General Hollister was given a standing ovation.
If any man in recent memory may be said to have had charisma…
certainly that man was General Martin J. Hollister.
Early on in the Korean War, as a colonel commanding a regiment of armored cavalry…
Hollister captured the imagination of the American people.
His courage, his brilliance in improvising in the heat of battle…
his colorful garb… riding breeches, boots and pearl-handled Colt.45…
soon earned him the nickname 'The Iron Horseman."
Later as a brigadier general with his own division…
he distinguished himself by a daring end-run in which…
out of ammunition and using only his famous pistol and a monumental bluff…
he succeeded in capturing the opposing enemy commander and his entire headquarters.
Finally, a land mine accomplished what nothing else could…
put General Hollister out of action with severe wounds…
wounds that necessitated his untimely retirement from active duty…
as one of the youngest major generals in this natiors military history.
On the foreign scene, the Secretary of State again reiterated…
the United States's determination to keep current troop levels in Europe stable.
In reply to sharp Senate… [TVOff
You still think a man like that could shoot someone for no reason at all?
He's practically on Mount Rushmore.
You didn't even recognize him when he came here.
I was in a state of shock.
Why don't you just admit that you're not sure?
Because I am sure.
You were sure when you were married to Tom too. Remember?
You had him running around with every woman in town.
No wonder he asked for a divorce.
Those were not mirages, Mother!
Those were flesh-and-blood ladies he was carrying on with.
He even admitted it.
Your pot's overcooking.
That is not a pot!
It's a crock!
Oh! [Clicks Tongue]
General Hollister. Colorful character.
Reminds me of General Patton. Old Blood and Guts.
How about a game of pool before we call it a night, Lieutenant?
No, thanks, Bert. Not tonight. I gotta get up early.
Got somethir special goir on?
Uh, yeah. I think I'm gonna do a little fishir.
Hey. All right.
If you catch something good, bring it in.
I'll give you a bowl of chili free. Hey!
 One more?
Look, it's 4:00 in the morning.
Go on home to your wives, gentlemen.
Let's go up for one more drink.
Look, I always make it a rule to be in bed before reveille.
Go home. Good night, gentlemen.
[Sighs]
[Clicks]
[Engine Running]
[Engine Revving]
[Engine Slowing]
Ahoy, Lieutenant. You're an early bird.
Oh, yes, sir. Be right with you.
Yeah. I'm just, uh…
combining a little business with pleasure.
At this hour? Well, George…
My brother-in-law George? Well, you don't know him. Yeah.
But at any rate, he's a fantastic fisherman, this man…
and he told me that the best time to catch anything is around about now.
He says, get there before everybody, and you kind of catch the fish off guard.
Mm-hmm. Doesn't look like it worked.
Not yet. But I'm gonna keep trying.
Mm-hmm. I don't think you'll catch anything big around here, Lieutenant.
You're too close in.
Oh? Yeah, you know? You're probably right.
General, there's somethir I don't understand.
All the other fishing boats, they were goir out…
and your boat is just comir in. Mm-hmm.
Why is that?
I've won a lot of battles, Lieutenant, and I've caught a lot of fish…
by doing the unconventional thing.
Do you know that I have always envied somebody with that talent?
Mm-hmm. I don't think you can learn that.
You know, I think you're born with that?
You know, inventors, and military strategists?
Now, I wish I had that, because that'd be a terrific thing in my work. Do you know what I mean?
Mm-hmm. Yes, I'm sure it would.
Oh, General, talking about work, there's a couple of loose ends I'd like to tie up…
Nothir important, you understand, but I would like to get 'em tied up.
Fire away. Well, I was watchir the news on television last night.
Those film clips of you in action? Great stuff! Really.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, it was just thrilling.
But you know, General, I happened to notice that you were carrying a pearl-handled pistol.
Splendid weapon. A single-action Colt.45.
Yeah, I remembered that! That was kinda like your trademark, wasn't it?

Which is all very well and good.
But I was wondering, whatever happened to that pearl-handled revolver?
Because when I looked into the crate, you know I didn't see it in there.
Lost it, Lieutenant. Long time ago.
When I was in the hospital in Korea, someone ' liberated" it, you know.
Wanted a souvenir.
Actually, I was… I was pretty pleased it was taken.
It was getting to be just too much of a publicity gimmick.
I see. So the Hollister Exhibit…
is gonna have to do without the famous Hollister gun.
Uh, not exactly. M.M.I. Wanted one for their Memorial…
so they had a duplicate made. I see.
Uh-huh. Now, uh, I've gotta change.
So, if there's anything else I can do for you?
No, that'd be all, sir. Oh, fine, fine.
Just a piece of advice.
Find a different spot. Or use a different bait.
Otherwise, you're not gonna catch anything, Lieutenant.
[Goats Bleating]
[Children Chattering]
[Animals Calling, Bleating, Singing]
Mrs. Stewart. Mrs. Stewart?
Good afternoon. Did you watch television last night?
Yes, I did. Uh, how did you find me?
I went by your apartment.
Quite a lady. Isn't she?
Mm-hmm. I understand that you're through here in about an hour.

Why? Well, you're breaking the law.
Uh, wha? I don't think I understand. You're accusing…
convicting and sentencing me, without a fair trial.
Now, wouldn't you say that that's un-American?
dd [LoungeJazz]
Here's to your convictions… and my acquittal.
Well, I don't judge you, General.
I just report what I saw.
Uh, I'd like to suggest…
the possibility that you were deceived.
Deceived by whom?
By yourself.
We all know the tricks that the sun and the sea… -
even your own eyes can play on you, huh?
Particularly after a long day on the water.
Would you admit that that's possible?
Just possible.
[Chuckles] Well, I suppose so.
The defense rests. For today.
Now, I think we ought to prosecute these martinis…
before their statutes of limitations expire.

Yes.
Well, I saw how very, um…
good you were with those children?
- Do you have any of your own?
- No.
Unfortunately. I always wanted them, but…
Tom… why, th-that's my ex… he didn't want children.
We used to fight about that a lot. [Laughs]
Well, maybe you only lost one battle…
Mrs. Stewart.
Not a whole war.
Well, what about you? Are you married?
No. Never could find the time.
First, there was my military career.
And then, my construction company. I was married to the business, as they say.
Well, l-I can understand that.
Do you ever… regret it?
Not really.
Oh, there are exceptions. Like, uh…
last night, when the door opened and I saw you.
[Chuckles] Oh, come on, General.
You don't think I'm so insensitive as to not see through that remark, do you?
Now, what do you mean by that?
Well, yesterday I called the police…
and l-I reported that I saw you shoot a man.
And today, you're telling me that when you saw me, music filled your ears…
and thunder and lightning filled the sky?
- Oh, boy!
- [Laughing] Yeah, you're right, you're right.
I guess if we both see such a scene in a movie, we'd-we'd break up.
[Chuckles]
I meant it, though.
And to prove that, I want to take you to dinner.
Agreed?
I'll take that for a yes.
And if Helen had just closed her eyes to some ofTom's… flirtations…
they might still be married!
Whatever happened to your husband, Mrs. Walters?
Who knows! Sent him out for Chinese food thirty years ago…
and I haven't heard from him since.
You know that I have raised that girl since she was three years old, single-handed?
Mother…
Mrs. Stewart. Hello, Lieutenant.
Well, I hope you don't expect to eat now.
No. I already had dinner.
At a lovely restaurant overlooking the city. It was just beautiful.
Well, you might have called.
Did you dine alone?
Why, no. Not this time.
As a matter of fact, I had dinner with General Hollister.
General Hollister!
Well, what do you know about that? Are you gonna see him again?
Well, he-he asked me to come out on his yacht. [Giggles]
Well, that calls for a drink.
You play your cards right… bourbon today, champagne tomorrow.
Makes you kinda wonder, doesn't it? About the General.
What do you mean? I didn't tell him your name, you know. And I didn't tell him where you lived.
So, uh, he musta gone to a lot of trouble to find you.
Curiosity about his accuser.
Yeah, could be that. Course, it could be something else.
Oh, thanks a lot, Lieutenant.
Am I so uninteresting that he couldn't be interested in me for myself?
Oh, no. No, no. No, I didn't mean that at all.

No, what I was talking about was the shooting. You see, I had second thoughts about the shooting.
You see, our traffic people, they picked up a couple of kids.
They were joyriding in a car they hot-wired.

And it could be that he was the man that you saw in the General's house.
You know, you did a lot of investigating…
for a man who asked me if I wore glasses, or if I had been drinking.
Well, that's just part of the job. Anyway…
I found out this Colonel Dutton…
booked a passage on an 8:00 p.m. Flight to Switzerland.
But then, he never showed up to take the plane.
Well, l-I still don't get the connection.
No, you see, this Colonel Dutton…
he was in the Marine Matériel Command…
[Scoffs] That's a, uh, he's a procurement officer.
But he had a lotta dealings with General Hollister.
And he suddenly took a leave and then he just disappeared.
Now, if you could identify the officer in this photograph…
as the man that General Hollister shot…
Then, I think, a lot of these pieces would fall into place.
L-I can't be sure.
Well, now that photograph is three years old… It all happened so quick.
I just can't be sure.
I see. Uh-huh. Okay.
We haven't found a body yet, so why don't you just keep that?
Uh… And maybe we'll come back to you, yes? All right.
Uh, good night, Mrs. Walters. Good night, Mrs. Stewart.
Uh…
You know what strikes me? You're the one that downgrades yourself.
One dinner with General Hollister…
and you begin to doubt your senses.
[Door Closes]
[Seagulls Crying]
[Boat's Engine Chugging]
Helen? You awake?
Ahh! I never knew how hard fishing could be.
Never tell that to a fisherman. Look. [Chuckles]
- What do you see?
- Your house.
And in the window? [Chuckles]
I can't see anything, because of the reflection of the sun on the water.
You know, you said that you saw a shooting there, about this same time of day.
d ["Mood"Strings] [Ice Rattling]
[Clinking]
Ooh. [Grunts]
Dance? [Laughing] Uh, me? No.
What? No, I… I'm kind of a klutz.

And then, I mean, I… [Groans]
Well, people used to smirk and make jokes. [Chuckles]
Those were my plumper days.
My mother said… [Giggles] I looked like a radish.
Come here. No!
Come here. That's an order.
[Screaming]
[Ship's Horn Sounding]
[Male Announcer] This late development has just come into our newsroom.
Early this morning, the body of a man surfaced in the ocean one-half mile off Marago Cove.
The body has been identified as that of Colonel Roger Dutton…
of the United States Marine Matériel Command.
The police report that Colonel Duttors whereabouts has been in question for the past two weeks.
We return you now to The TimothyJones Show.
[Clicks Off]
Ahoy!
Ahoy, there, Lieutenant. What's this, another fishing expedition?
Not exactly. Just wanted to talk to you, General.
Oh, I'm afraid I can't right now. No time.
Uh, unless you want to go along. A short scenic cruise?
I, uh… I'm taking an overnight haul.
I want to test the engines. Okay.

[Engine Revving]
[Columbo] Gorgeous craft! Must have cost a mint, huh?
As they say, Lieutenant, if you have to ask, you can't afford it.
Right.
Lieutenant…
you didn't come all the way out here just to talk about life on the high seas.
Huh? Oh!
No. No, I was wondering, General…
have you heard about that body that they found off Marago Cove?
Oh, Colonel Dutton? Yeah, I just heard about it. Just came on the radio.
That is shocking.
- Any idea what happened?
- Yes, sir.
Somebody shot him, sir.
I guess they weighted him down and then theyjust dumped him.
Is that a fact? Yeah.
Yeah, I guess the sharks must have cut through whatever was holding him down.
Well, this is all very interesting, Lieutenant, but why are you telling me this?
Well, sir, uh… to protect you.
Protect me? Yes, sir.
You see, I know that this is ridiculous…
but the fellas down there at the department, they're sayir…
they've got some kind of a pretty good case against you.
- Oh? [Chuckles]
- Yeah.
- Of course, they're way out
of line, I know that.
- Of course, of course.
But you know, they have these ideas, and it could be embarrassing.
I tell ya, I, uh… I kinda hate to get into it.
- I mean, a man of your stature…
- By all means, get into it, Lieutenant.
Yes, sir.
[Columbo] Well, take motive.
Your construction company got a lot of contracts through Colonel Dutton.
So did hundreds of other companies.
Yeah, but it seems as though he was being investigated by the Inspector General.
And if he were killed, there would be no way of proving…
a conspiracy to defraud the government.
Well, if no one's around, perhaps that means it doesn't exist!
[Engine Rewing] Right.
Right, that's a good point.
Uh, there's one other thing.
Uh, the morning after he disappeared…
you went out on your yacht.
Sheer coincidence.
Yeah, it probably is. But we do know that the body was disposed of at sea.
Now, I've been studying the tides, General.
Now, the Coast and Geodetic Survey's got a book on 'em…
and it shows that a body dumped off the marina in the ocean…
might carry down to Marago Cove.
Might, Lieutenant. Might.
Sheer speculation!
Lieutenant, you should tell your… colleagues…
that they have yet to show any link between Colonel Dutton and myself…
something that would prove that we actually met on that day.
Yes, sir, uh, you're right there.
But now that you mention it, it occurs to me that the night that the colonel disappeared…
I did see a car like his across the street from your house.
I don't know what kind of a car the colonel drove…
but there must be thousands of them in Southern California.
You didn't, uh, by any chance… [Sighing Deeply]
Check the registration at the time?
Uh, no, sir. No, sir, I didn't.
- There's no reason to.
- Now, that was unfortunate, wasn't it?
[Revs Engine]
Uh, General, if you don't mind, I'd like to go back now.
Yes, as you wish. I guess we're about through with this test run.
[Rewing Faster]
You know, Lieutenant, I don't see how a man…
with the name of' Columbo"…
Shouldn't he be more at home on a boat?
Must have been another branch of the family, sir.
How soon before we land?
Not long.
[Groans]
You know, General, there is a link between you and Colonel Dutton.
Really? Mrs. Stewart.
An eyewitness to the murder of a military man in your house.
Help the lady aboard.
Oh! Oh, Lieutenant, would you… [Fussing] Let me take the bag.
Well, no, maybe you better… Could you just… Yeah. No, no. Yeah.
Should I take the bag? All right. Yeah, yeah. [Grunts] All right?
There we are. Okay? Oh! Thank you. Thank you.
Are you all right? Me? Fine.
Just fine, yes. There's something I wanted to talk to you about, Mrs. Stewart.
Uh, we've just recovered a body.
A Colonel Dutton, the man that I spoke to you about?
Somebody dumped him in the ocean.
He thinks I shot him. What I think is unimportant.
What counts is what you saw.
[Scoffs] I… Well, l-I didn't see anything.
Well, now, Mrs. Stewart, that's not what you said.
Well, no, it was the light, some crazy reflection…

I don't care what I said. I was wrong.
- Can't a person make a mistake?
- Look, maybe if I could talk
about this later on.
I'm gonna say the same thing later that I'm saying now, so would ya…
Would you just please leave me alone?
If you ever want to go out again, I'll be happy to take you, Columbo.
[Sighs Deeply]
Hey, Lieutenant. How goes it?
So-so, huh?
How 'bout a bowl of chili?
- Bert, gimme some chili.
- Ah, there you go.
Comir right up, Lieutenant. [Bowl Rattles]
Got the best in town, you know.
You got a match? Sure!
Lemme get this chili to ya.
Here you go, your crackers… [Silverware Rattling]
[Blows]
Here you go. Help yourself.
How do you like that coffee? Is that black? What's this?
What is this? That's my helmet from the war.
- What war?
- What war. World War II!
My wife says I can never throw anything out.
So the other day she put her foot down. She says either the junk goes or she goes.
You decided to keep her.
[Sighs] It was a tough decision.
Anyway, I brought all my war trophies over here.
Hey! Wait a minute.
You're one guy that can appreciate this. I'll get you another bowl of chili.
My chili is good, no matter what… Here. Yeah, I got this, that… Look at this.
Like, I saved a little… It's a Japanese stirring spoon.
I got 'em at Okinawa, the commissary. Yeah. [Chuckles] Ah, well.
You know, I guess my wife is right. I can't give anything away.
Especially when it means something to ya.
Yeah, that was a long time ago, Lieutenant.
[Sighs] Yeah. Bert, gimme a dime.
Okay, Lieutenant. There you go.
Let me give you that bowl of chili I dropped on ya.
Is that cream and sugar in that coffee?
Mrs. Stewart? Lieutenant Columbo.
Mrs. Stewart? Listen.
I appreciate very much your coming down here and meeting me.
Just remember our agreement, Lieutenant. No questions and no trying to get me to change my mind.
Not one question. Not even a half a question.
I only wanted you to see the exhibit.
Why? Look.
In order to understand a man, you have to understand his past.
Quite a collection, huh?
You see that book? That's a Marine Military Manual.
Do you know the story behind that book? No. Mm-mm.