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Archive
Monday, December 31, 2001
Analysis of an al Qaeda computer
Wall Street Journal | Submitted by: Soylent
A reporter from the Wall Street Journal stumbled across a computer for
sale in the Kabul marketplace, which he purchased for $1100. It had been
looted from an al Qaeda house, and contained much useful data documenting
the workings of the Company, but also incredible mundanity such as:
people not getting paid, terrorist cells with big mouths, communications
difficulties, etc.
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Fart detection device available
Japan Today | Submitted by: Sweet P
Men in white lab coats have done it again:
"The fart detector, which sells for 200,000 yen, measures about the size
of two boxes of facial tissue. It interfaces with the patient by means of a
vinyl tube that is secured to the patient's inner thigh. Any, er,
activity is duly recorded."
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Mystery man to be deported
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette | Submitted by: Soylent
"When agents asked why he had come to the United States, he at first said
he was afraid to say "too much." He later said he was from Sudan and had
been sent to observe what was happening in New York. He wouldn't say who
sent him or why. He also said he was a computer programmer but refused to
name his employer."
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Did psychic predict 9-11 attack, to the day?
Boston Phoenix | Submitted by: Soylent
"In June 2000, Lynne Palmer, a 69-year-old Las Vegas resident, published
her Astrological Almanac for 2001 (Star Bright Publishers). On page 95 of
the book, buried among advice on the best days to go to the movies and worst
days to lend people money, Palmer had written, in an odd combination of the
obvious and the prophetic: Avoid terrorist attacks on
September 11, 2001." [Yes, if enough psychics predict enough things,
some of them will end up being true. I am not even sure what the credibility
of the "Boston Phoenix" is, or whether that book was actually published
in June. But it should be noted that Pluto and Saturn were aligned that day,
and perhaps the terrorists knew this!]
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$1.8M stashed in old pickup
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Soylent
Palm reading is perhaps more lucrative than any of us realized.
The town of Plantation is seeking possession of $1.8M that was found
in an old pickup, seized in a drug raid in which 161 grams of
cocaine was also taken. Of course, the money has no connection with
the cocaine: "That money is not what you think -- it is my mother's
life savings for the children when we die." Our crystal ball doesn't
seem to agree with that assessment-- it's mostly tens and twenties.
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Sunday, December 30, 2001
Gnome Liberation Front crushed
Rochester News Democrat | Submitted by: Bionic-Badger
"Garden gnomes were snatched from the lawns of about six homes in the
village last summer. Liberation Front members left behind mysterious calling
cards. Later, 24 stolen ceramic, plastic and concrete figurines were found
posed in various spots around a local baseball field as if they
were playing baseball."
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The Fastest Gynaecologist in the South East
BBC | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
A story that has so much to offer. A "disgraced gynecologist" who is accused
of botching countless operations, perhaps faking his death from pancreatic
cancer. Spotted in Kent, lately he's been overheard in Mayfair. [Cue
Werewolves of London by Warren Zevon.] Rodney Ledward "styled himself
'the fastest gynaecologist in the South East' after performing seven
hysterectomies in one morning." Perhaps true, but Ledward never
had to compete with the master, Dr. Mengele.
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Korean bill to legalize dogmeat
Korea Herald | Submitted by: John
Dog meat update! The FIFA soccer federation has been criticizing the
delicious Korean practice of dogmeat cuisine. In response, this:
"The 20 legislators, headed by Rep. Kim Hong-shin of the opposition
Grand National Party (GNP), said the proposed legislation would include
dogs in the category of edible livestock. They said they aimed
to pass the bill in February."
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Euro banknotes to have radio chips
EE Times | Submitted by: Soylent
"The European Central Bank is working with technology partners on a hush-hush
project to embed radio frequency identification tags into the very fibers of
euro bank notes by 2005, EE Times has learned. Intended to foil counterfeiters,
the project is developing as Europe prepares for a massive changeover to the
euro, and would create an instant mass market for RFID chips, which have long
sought profitable application."
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Saturday, December 29, 2001
The Camouflage Mahal
Reuters | Submitted by: Lish
"We had covered the Taj Mahal with green cloth in 1971 when war broke out
with Pakistan. We must keep ourselves in readiness for such an eventuality.
Having prepared the blue-print, we are now in the process of carrying out
the desired drill." —Chief Archaeologist K.K. Mohammad, on war footing.
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Free Burial to any DUI
Globe and Mail | Submitted by: Vanillin Dip
Funeral homes in Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama and South Carolina have a New
Years solution for the elderly whose pensions are insufficient and who have
lost their will to live — free funerals for those who die drinking and
driving. Ultimately, the free funeral offer is intended to dissuade
New Year's revelers who drink their way to merriment from leaving the
party as if it were Jay Gatsby's.
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The Sexchart
Wired | Submitted by: Crank
It's a wonder that the Sex Chart hasn't been sued out of existence.
A rather embarrassing blister on cyberspace, it documents liaisons between
people in a vaguely defined "Internet Scene", which rather unfortunately
includes some of the Rotten Staff. "It's a great way to check who has
diseases— you can kind of choose somebody based on who
they've been with."
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Pornography of Terror
Boston Phoenix | Submitted by: Grace Petro
"The project to which he refers is I Like to Watch, a four-minute music
video that intersperses news footage of the World Trade Center disaster with
explicit pornographic images (mainly "money shots") and clips from sporting
events.
The film, says the Reverend, 'is a vicious satire. It expresses a
real outrage that I have personally. It reflects my contempt for and
frustration with the profound ugliness of the modern industrial world."
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Friday, December 28, 2001
Egypt demands McDonald's mummies
The Scotsman | Submitted by: Soylent
In the 19th century thousands of mummies were exported from Egypt during
an "Egyptian Revival" fad. Two of them ended up in an amateur museum at
Bolehall Manor in England, and when that museum closed they were buried in
the foundations of a building that was later turned into a McDonald's
franchise. Egypt now wants them back, but does the franchise regard them as
a potential source of their "mystery meat"?
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Hair fetisher on the loose
NBC4 TV | Submitted by: Linda Goodwin
"Police say four Hispanic females, ages 12 to 45, have been attacked
since December 18th. All were sitting near or walking along major streets
when they were grabbed from behind by a man who cut their hair with
a large knife or scissors."
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Gravediggers behaving badly, part II
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Jen
"A regional manager for Service Corporation International killed himself
west of Boca Raton Wednesday night, police said — a week after the company
was accused of desecrating graves, misleading consumers and mishandling
burials at two South Florida Jewish cemeteries it owns."
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Shoe bomber used web to procure explosive?
This Is London | Submitted by: Soylent
This article certainly starts out juicy:
"Disturbing details emerged today of how "shoe bomber" Richard Reid
used the internet to buy a lethal explosive known by Middle East
terrorists as Mother of Satan." Unfortunately, no where does it really
tell us what the "disturbing details" are, and furthermore seems to
contradict itself by stating that the explosives were purchased during a
physical, non-virtual trip to Amsterdam. It's almost as if the two
reporters made up the opening sentence.
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Man taped his relatives in the nude
Milwaukee Journal Sentinel | Submitted by: Soylent
"A Milwaukee man accused of secretly filming visiting relatives in the nude
while they showered and stayed in a guest bedroom of his home has become the
first person charged under the state's new video voyeurism law."
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Samurai sword attack in Sturgeon Bay
Green Bay Press-Gazette | Submitted by: Ryano
"A Christmas Eve argument over the politics of the Sept. 11 terrorist
attacks ended with a Sturgeon Bay man fatally skewering his friend with
a 38-inch samurai sword, Door County District Attorney Tim Funnell said."
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The ass-crack as fashion statement
Detroit Free Press | Submitted by: Soylent
This just confirms what everyone has known all along: showing a bit
of ass crack can be sexy, at least when it comes to nubile young
women. Plumbers and other repair personnel should remain suspendered:
"With all the training I've had, and all the experience, I never
thought I'd have to do booty checks," said Don Krueger, principal
at Milwaukee's South Division High School.
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Thursday, December 27, 2001
Ghost plane wreck found
Associated Press | Submitted by: dj pie
"Authorities Thursday morning found the wreckage of a small plane
that broke from its moorings at a rural Sonoma County airstrip and took
off without a pilot." Police: "He was working on the engine, I guess,
and it got away from him."
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You have until February to destroy your food
Pittsburgh Post-Gazette | Submitted by: dj pie
There are trace amounts of hempseed oil in various foods. No big deal,
not enough to have any effect. But the War on Drugs sees this as a
threat, and it must be banned! It's your patriotic duty to destroy that food:
"If you wish to err on the side of caution, you may freely dispose of the
product. As stated in the rules that DEA published on Oct. 9, 2001, anyone
who has purchased a food or beverage product that contains THC has 120
days (until Feb. 6, 2002) to dispose of the product without penalty
under federal law." What foods might be affected? Beer, cheese, coffee,
corn chips, energy drink, flour, ice cream, snack bars, salad oil,
soda, and veggie burgers!
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Ethnic Secret Service agent barred from flight
Reuters | Submitted by: Ann Onyous
Will racial profiling have the side effect of endangering the President?
"An armed Arab-American Secret Service agent heading to Texas to protect President Bush was barred from an American Airlines flight Tuesday after the pilot questioned his paperwork, the airline said Thursday."
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Wednesday, December 26, 2001
Army harvested victim blood
Baltimore Sun | Submitted by: Soylent
"In an attempt to make America's biological arsenal more lethal during
the Cold War, the Army collected anthrax from the bodies or blood of workers
at Fort Detrick who were accidentally infected with the bacteria, veterans
of the biowarfare program say."
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Where are Albert de Salvo's organs?
Boston Globe | Submitted by: Soylent
The Boston Strangler, Albert de Salva, was exhumed recently yet mysteriously
many of his internal organs are missing. Have you seen Albert's
heart, lungs, kidneys, liver, or spleen? Notify the Massachusetts Attorney
General. Oddly, exhumations of his victims indicate that De Salvo may not
even be the person who murdered them.
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Hindus did not always ban beef-eating
Lingua Franca | Submitted by: Soylent
"He argues that the current iconic status of the cow would have made
little sense to the ancestors of present-day Hindus. The widespread
assumption that beef eating was foreign to the subcontinent until it was
introduced by Muslim invaders in the twelfth century is incorrect, insists
Jha; not only were the ancient Hindus of the Vedic Age no strangers
to the pleasures of beef, but the now prohibited meat once had an
important position in the hierarchy of offerings made to Hindu gods."
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Osama bin Laden dead of lung cancer?
Pakistan Observer | Submitted by: Ludi
On Christmas Day the Pakistan Observer reported Osama bin Laden's
earlier death and burial, but the link was broken until today:
"Much dreaded Osama bin Ladin, the man on the top of the US list of most
wanted men, had a peaceful natural death in mid-December in the vicinity of
famous Tora Bora mountains, a Taliban leader who attended funeral of the
Al-Qaeda leader confided to Pakistan Observer."
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Bubble wrap prison break
New York Post | Submitted by: Soylent
"A convicted rapist staged a brazen Christmas Eve prison break by covering
himself in bubble wrap and hiding in a delivery truck, authorities said."
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Tuesday, December 25, 2001
Christmas rage spreading
Reuters | Submitted by: Soylent
Two ladies enter. One lady leave:
"In the turkey incident, two unidentified women were said to have tussled
over the last turkey in a supermarket in the town of Barry, with, inevitably,
only one emerging victorious."
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Stealing artist's work: Priceless
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Soylent
Mastercard sent rotten.com
cease & desist letters last year demanding that we remove our "Priceless"
parodies, citing violation of trademark. But Mastercard felt it was OK to
steal the creative ideas of two Minneapolis guys and use them in a massive
nationwide advertising campaign without any compensation or recognition
whatsoever. Priceless.
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Marsupial incineration ends badly
Daytona Beach News-Journal | Submitted by: Soylent
"Fire Lieutenant Larry Morgan said the man told fire rescue workers he killed
the opossum, which had been coming onto the couple's property on Berkshire
Road, then followed a neighbor's advice to burn the carcass. The man said that
as he fed the flames with gasoline, he tripped, fell backward and splashed
gas on his girlfriend's right leg, which caught fire."
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India sniffing all internet email
Times of India | Submitted by: Soylent
India intends to expand their email sniffing to include any people sending
emails which repeatedly use words from a list provided by their Intelligence
Bureau. Of course, now that this has been made public, the real bad guys
will be expected to shift to encrypted email, or off-country email sites which
use an encrypted connection. Of course, this is a reaction to a terrorist
attack (on their Parliament), but it's on the same order as the U.S. leaking
that we are listening to Osama bin Laden's satellite phone transmissions:
the usage patterns change when we tell them we're listening.
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Swastikas carved on face in chatroom attack
Associated Press | Submitted by: Gweeds
Internet chat room attack:
"The girl was sexually assaulted, robbed and had swastikas carved into her
cheek and forehead with a knife, police said. She was treated and released
early Friday from a nearby hospital, Sgt. Tom Little said."
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English world language
Economist | Submitted by: Soylent
"Some 380m people speak it as their first language and perhaps two-thirds
as many again as their second. A billion are learning it, about a third of
the world's population are in some sense exposed to it and by 2050, it is
predicted, half the world will be more or less proficient in it."
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Monday, December 24, 2001
Home surgery on dog lands man in deep shit
Miami Herald | Submitted by: Soylent
A bit of makeshift home surgery on Jose Noel Rugama's chihuahau,
Elvis, has landed him in jail. Oddly, the surgery was successful
and skilled, almost as if he'd done it before. It's almost as if he
shouldn't be in jail at all, except for the minor matter of a manslaughter
warrant issued eight years ago.
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The best birthday gift ever
Japan Today | Submitted by: anonymous
"Many Western scholars speculate that the timing of the executions of
General Hideki Tojo and six other war criminals was a twisted birthday
present given by General Douglas MacArthur to the 15-year-old Prince
Akihito, who was destined to become the emperor of Japan."
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Homeless Jesus stalks Highway 1
Free Lance-Star | Submitted by: Soylent
From the "New and Innovative Ways to be Homeless" department, we find
a man often mistaken for Jesus, barefoot and clad in robe, meandering
the highways and byways of the east coast. It turns out Jesus is
really mild-mannered Carl J. Joseph from Ohio. And now you know His
secret identity.
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Tracking sex offenders with satellite
Los Angeles Times | Submitted by: Soylent
"Orange County is taking what some civil libertarians consider troubling
steps to keep tabs on released sex offenders, giving them periodic lie
detector tests and, starting next year, requiring some to wear wristbands
linked to satellite tracking systems."
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Complexity, randomness, and terrorism
Princeton | Submitted by: Gweeds
"The following material shows the behavior of the Global Consciousness
Project's network of 37 REG devices called "eggs" placed around the world
as they responded during various periods of time surrounding September 11.
These eggs generate random data continuously and send it for archiving
and analysis to a dedicated server in Princeton, New Jersey, USA. We
analyse the data to determine whether the normally random array of
values shows structure correlated with global events."
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How Al Qaeda took Afghanistan
Washington Post | Submitted by: Soylent
Great account of how Al Qaeda hijacked the nation of Afghanistan.
"Youngsters nabbed the scrawny street dogs that clustered around the village
butcher shop. They later watched in amazement as trainees strapped explosives
around the abdomens of the dogs, shooed them off at a fast trot and
—watching their wristwatches— counted down the seconds until the
bombs exploded, shouting in unison, "Allahu akbar!"
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Sunday, December 23, 2001
The case for a tax deductible hooker
BBC | Submitted by: Afsy
"Robbie Swan from the Eros Foundation, an umbrella organisation representing
the Australian sex industry, said firms should not be criticised for offering
these sorts of inducements to workers. "It's an extremely popular way of paying
bonuses," he said. "Even politicians have been known to take friends to a
brothel."
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Santa's crime spree continues
The San Diego Channel | Submitted by: Rabid Koala
"A former San Diego police officer who wore a red Santa Claus hat and
white beard when he robbed a Mission Valley bank branch was in custody
Friday but the loot from the heist was unaccounted for, police said....
[A bank] guard told police he chased the thief, who ditched the beard and
Santa hat as he ran, to an area near Highway 163 and Friars Road before
losing sight of him."
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More on Israeli spying
Pravda | Submitted by: Mongo
This is a bizarre and somewhat paranoid follow-up to a Fox reporter's
story
we posted a week ago on Amdocs, regarding Israeli spying on America.
An Israeli embassy official is quoted that Israel does not spy on the U.S.
(despite criminal convictions to the contrary!), and allegations are made
that an army of art students with forged visa papers have been
descending on key federal buildings and the homes of key federal officials.
[Sometimes, I really wonder about Pravda.]
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Toilet baby
Edmonton Sun | Submitted by: sahaidak
"Cari Birch, 21, went into premature labour Friday morning. "I felt
my water was going to break so I got on the toilet," she told The Sun.
"And when I looked in the toilet, there he was."
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Kevin Mitnick to lose ham license?
The Register | Submitted by: Soylent
Kevin Mitnick at one time was the most wanted computer hacker fugitive
in the world, and eventually was railroaded into jail for crimes that should
have garnered only a slap on the wrist. From an FCC memo: "Mr. Mitnick's
criminal background raises a substantial and material question of fact
as to whether he possesses the requisite character qualifications to be
and remain a commission licensee. Given his propensity to engage in criminal
activities, particularly those involving fraud, we have serious reservations
about Mr. Mitnick's ability to comply with our rules and
regulations in the future."
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For the stinky mujahadin
Times of India | Submitted by: Kade
If you've had to live in the mountains of Afghanistan under the duress
of American bombing, Northern Alliance attacks, and, dare we say it,
dust mites, you probably have body odor something fierce. The Times
of India is reporting that a number of concerns are marketing Osama
merchandise of various kinds, including Osama Cologne. [No word on
whether franchise royalties are being paid to al Qaida, we suspect not.]
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Saturday, December 22, 2001
Man bites dog
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Tank Girl
"He was trying to kill my dog," said Deputy Frank Maio, who named the
black dog for Star Wars' Darth Vader more than four years ago.
 He had totally lost it."
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Salvation Army fights Moscow
BBC | Submitted by: Gweeds
The Salvation Army, a paramilitary organization based in
London, is appealing a decision by a Moscow court that it is indeed
a paramilitary organization and therefore not eligible to retain
a Russian office. One can only hope that the Russian government
treat Scientology, a paramilitary organization based in Hollywood,
with the same respect.
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Do bad guys have nukes in the US?
UPI | Submitted by: Soylent
"Peter Probst, formerly of the Pentagon's Office of Assistant Secretary of
Defense for Special Operations and Low Intensity Conflict, did not know of the
Pakistani report, but said that there is "a great fear" within the Bush
administration of a spectacular, follow-on strike by bin Laden aimed at
decapitating the U.S. government, using either a finished nuke or a
radiological device -- a core of conventional explosive wrapped inside nuclear
waste such as iodine 131."
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The Queen is Old
The Scotsman | Submitted by: Soylent
"The first thing you have to say is it is classic Freud, he’s made no
concessions to the fact that he’s painting the Queen, so there’s no
flattery, no smoothing over the effects of time."
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Friday, December 21, 2001
Everybody must get stoned
Boston Globe | Submitted by: Soylent
"Blame the revival on a generation of baby boomers working in film and
television today who came of age during the pot smoking era of the 1960s
and 1970s. Add to that teens and 20-somethings who are creating what
the Department of Justice ominously calls 'the New Marijuana Epidemic' by
making ganja their drug of choice. Combine these two generations with an
ongoing public push to legalize marijuana and suddenly, it seems like
we've jumped into a time machine and gotten off in the 1970s,
the heyday of Cheech & Chong."
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A fifteen year old boy's dying wish
London Telegraph | Submitted by: Macki
"A 15 year-old boy is terminally ill with cancer. He knows he doesn't have
very long to live, and he has a dying wish. It is not to go to Disneyland
or to meet his favourite actor, rock or sports star but it is this: he wants
to make love to a woman."
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Limo makes poor getaway vehicle
Winnipeg Sun | Submitted by: Reverend Shawn
"The 15-year-old crooks — a boy and a girl — broke into a
suite at 512 Balmoral St. just after 2 p.m. yesterday. After stealing a
number of items, including a credit card, they came up with the
brilliant idea of escaping the scene in a shiny limousine."
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The art of Propaganda
Weekly Standard | Submitted by: Soylent
"Churning out these materials involves a 17-step process from conception
to dissemination. Themes are not only thoroughly researched and vetted among
the 4th PSYOP Group's 1,200 soldiers and 35 civilian analysts, but the final
product has to be approved by the U.S. Central Command chief. While PSYOPers
say they are part ad men, part ethnographers, Army doctrine requires that
they also be everything from Strunk & White imitators ("the propaganda writer must be brief, summarizing the theme by using short, forceful words") to Mary Kay consultants ("Colors may be used to harmonize with the moods of the illustrations....Red may be used to suggest violence, blue or green for peaceful scenes, and black or white for death")."
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God of Garbage must face his demons
IOL | Submitted by: Don
A sanitation manager in Japan, where there are strict laws about separating
different types of rubbish, has been arrested after he allegedly threatened
a bar owner at knifepoint because he refused to follow the rules. They call
him the "God of Garbage" on account of his extreme fanaticism.
[Another poor hobby choice.]
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Girl threatens suicide because not circumcised
Africa Online | Submitted by: Africa Online
"A schoolgirl whose parents stopped her from being circumcised allegedly
took a rope and threatened to hang herself outside her home. The girl's
father then sought help from their neighbours and took her to the local police
station where she was put under arrest."
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Windows XP security fucked
Washington Post | Submitted by: Soylent
"In a security bulletin issued to customers yesterday, Microsoft said
the "serious vulnerability" could allow hackers to commandeer all the
computers in a neighborhood or company in a single attack. The Redmond, Wash.,
company urged customers to update their systems with a patch
available on its Web site."
[Why does anyone even use Microsoft software?]
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Thursday, December 20, 2001
New Zealand accidentally outlaws alcohol
One News | Submitted by: dangle
What happens when you rush through legislation too quickly [Think of the
Patriot Act]...?  New Zealand has managed to accidentally
outlaw even the transportation of alcohol, including trucks carrying booze
to liquor stores. And silly rules of order in their Parliament require
unanimous consent to repeal the stupidity.
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Koreans defend dogmeat practice
Football 365 | Submitted by: anonymous
Who among us can deny that dogmeat is one of the tastiest delights
that Mother Earth has to offer? Certainly not the South Koreans, among
whom roam 3 million aficionados of the canine culinary arts.
The World Cup, co-hosted by South Korea, considers this bad publicity and
has pressured the Koreans to end this delicious practice.
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Hollywood hates your computer
Cryptome | Submitted by: Soylent
"Perhaps the most likely scenario is this: at some near-future date —
perhaps as early as 2010 — individuals may no longer be able to do the
kinds of things they routinely do with their digital tools in 2001. They may
no longer be able, for example, to move music or video files around easily
from one of their computers to another (even if the other is just a few
feet away in the same house), or to personal digital assistants. Their music
collections, reduced to MP3s, may be moveable to a limited extent unless their
digital hardware doesn't allow it. The digital videos they shot in 1999 may
be unplayable on their desktop and laptop computers — or even on other
devices — in 2009."
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Gravediggers behaving badly
South Florida Sun-Sentinel | Submitted by: Jen
"Cemetery workers allegedly unearthed and moved bodies buried in the
Menorah Gardens Jewish cemetery in Palm Beach County — tossing some into
the woods, burying others on top of each other or end-to-end instead of
side-by-side... workers allegedly buried some remains in the wrong
places, sometimes encroaching on neighboring plots. In order to use those
plots later on, workers could make room only by destroying vaults
buried there in the earlier funerals."
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Government falsification? Say it ain't so
Washington Times | Submitted by: Soylent
The federal government wants to wall off two national forests in
the state of Washington to the public, so what does it do, it plants
false evidence of an endangered species, the Canadian lynx. [Aren't
they supposed to be in Canada, anyway?] "DNA testing of two
of the samples matched that of a lynx living inside an animal preserve.
The third DNA sample matched that of an escaped pet lynx being held
in a federal office until its owner retrieved it, federal officials said."
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Scientists create supernova
Vancouver Sun | Submitted by: Soylent
The expression "creating a supernova" may be hyperbole supplied by the
Canadian press, but this is indeed a major step forward for alchemy:
Scientists in British Columbia have transmogrified Sodium-22 into
Magnesium-22! How exactly this brings us closer to converting lead into
gold is anyone's guess, but it helps us understand the big bang,
blah blah blah, something mumble purpose of humanity mumble mumble.
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Wednesday, December 19, 2001
Sex Pistols to taint Jubilee
Globe and Mail | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
The Sex Pistols--what's left of them--have been asked to regroup to spoil
the Queen's celebration of her 50th year on the throne with a repeat of their
original anti-royal anthem, "God Save the Queen". Don't know how they'll fare
sans Sid Vicious (who suicided 20 years ago), but at least they now know how
to play their instruments.
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Santa menace continues, in Brazil now
Reuters | Submitted by: Rabid Koala
"The unidentified Santa was handing out candy to motorists stopped at
a traffic light when he yanked the draw strings on his bag of sweets, pulled
a revolver from his belt and fired at a woman who was entering her car parked
nearby, said a spokesman at the Sao Paulo police department."
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Amber waves of penis: Yanked
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Soylent
"The faculty unanimously decided to distribute [X]press Magazine, a
student publication, after department Chairman John Burks last week yanked
copies of the latest issue from news racks around campus because of a
cover shot he called "a field of waving penises."
[And what, pray tell, is wrong with such a field?]
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Attacks of 9-11 an excuse for gun registration?
CNS | Submitted by: Soylent
Senators Charles Schumer and Edward Kennedy are using the terrorist
attacks of 9-11 as an excuse to introduce a bill that is a de-facto
registration of firearms. Never mind that the terrorists that day
used nothing more complicated than fists and boxcutters, and that
gun registration has never been demonstrated to have any negative
effect on crime whatsoever. It would be, however, one more intrusion of
government on the lives of ordinary people.
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Final solution looms for Japanese crows
Associated Press | Submitted by: Ginna
Municipal workers in Tokyo intend to gas 7000 feral crows that have
been menacing the city. "The aggressive crows are as adept at picking off
prairie dogs at the city zoo as they are at ripping open garbage bags and
littering the Japanese capital's streets with rotten food."
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Tuesday, December 18, 2001
Al Qaeda infiltrated Microsoft XP
Newsbytes | Submitted by: Soylent
This is a preposterous story, included here for its humor value:
"During interrogation, Afroze, 25, also claimed that a member or members of
Osama bin Laden's Al Qaeda network, posing as computer programmers, were able
to gain employment at Microsoft and attempted to plant "trojans, trapdoors,
and bugs in Windows XP," according to Ravi Visvesvaraya Prasad, a New Delhi
information systems and telecommunication consultant."
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Commuters greeted with slaughter footage
Globe and Mail | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
"Finnish commuters on the rail line to Helsinki got a shock Monday
when images of animals being slaughtered were shown repeatedly on the train's
television screens. 'It was completely absurd and appalling,' said a startled
Hanna Huuskonen, who had been travelling from the southern town of
Tampere when what turned out to be the conductor's home video was
accidentally displayed to passengers."
[Conductor's home video?!?]
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Fecal chicken fuel proposed
CNN | Submitted by: Phat Max
"If it were to catch on, a blend that's 65 percent diesel and 35 percent
liquid [chicken faece] waste would reduce the nation's dependence on foreign
oil and solve a nagging environmental problem for the poultry industry."
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Saudi Princess arrested for beating servant
myCFnow | Submitted by: anonymous
The niece of King Fahd of Saudi Arabia, one Princess Buniah al-Saud,
is in the Orange County Jail for the beating of her servant Memet Ismiyati.
The Princess claimed diplomatic immunity, but that has been stripped because
of her sketchy INS status. "The princess would yell at me, and say she's
'Al-Saud,' and I was under her feet, that she can do anything to me here.

Except, like, the whole jail thing.
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Monday, December 17, 2001
FBI wants access to pilfered virus data
ROTTEN.COM exclusive | Submitted by: Soylent
The FBI is asking for access to a massive database that contains the
private communications and passwords of the victims of the Badtrans Internet
worm. Badtrans spreads through security flaws in Microsoft mail software
and transmits everything the victim types. Since November 24, the worm has
violated the privacy of millions of Internet users, and now the FBI wants
to take part in the spying.
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Going the extra mile
Akron Beacon Journal | Submitted by: Jim Adkins
"When the robber wasn't satisfied with the $20 bill in the man's wallet
and demanded more money, the victim agreed to drive him to his affluent
parents' home in Twinsburg Township. Once there, the robber made off
with several times the meager amount in his target's wallet."
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Alberta governor on drunken rampage
The Edmonton Journal | Submitted by: Dobar Yebach
The premier of Alberta (equivalent to a state governor) caused a ruckus
with a surprise midnight visit to a downtown homeless shelter. The rather
intoxicated premier yelled and cursed at the homeless telling them to
get jobs and threw some money at them before leaving.
[Did he think he was at a strip bar?]
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Reading hard disks in the WTC rubble
Reuters | Submitted by: Soylent
Computer forensics experts are trying to track the $100M of suspicious
money transfers right before the 9-11 attacks occurred:
"Using a pioneering laser scanning technology to find data on damaged
computer hard drives and main frames found in the rubble of the World Trade
Center and other nearby collapsed buildings, Convar has recovered information
from 32 computers that support assumptions of dirty doomsday dealings."
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67 dead cats found in refrigerator
South Florida Sun Sentinel | Submitted by: Tank Girl
"They also discovered litter boxes overflowing with feces and 31 dead kittens
and 36 dead cats in a refrigerator and freezer. Some were wrapped in bags. "It was foul, believe me," said Cooper City Police Capt. Marvin E. Stoner Jr."
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Dead plastic surgeons tell no tails
Associated Press | Submitted by: Soylent
Mexican drug traffickers have developed a nasty habit of killing
their plastic surgeons after major overhauls. In particular, seven
of them have been whacked for this reason, plus a eighth where
the felon in question objected to the quality of his liposuction.
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Sunday, December 16, 2001
Don't buy stamps without flags
The Progressive | Submitted by: Humanoid
In today's hyperpatriotic climate, don't make the mistake of trying
to buy postage stamps that don't have flags on them. It just might make
you the subject of an investigation, which is what happened when
Daniel Muller and Andrew Mandell asked for such stamps in early November.
"No one said anything to us for about twenty minutes, and then two cops
came in and asked for our IDs. They asked if we had any outstanding
warrants. They ran a check on us. They asked us why we had asked
for stamps without American flags on them."
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Target London
Observer | Submitted by: Soylent
"It appears to be a record of meetings between al-Qaeda's master
bomb-maker and an English-speaking activist in which he is guided through
each step in building a bomb. In places the author has revisited his
notes, adding information in a small, neat hand, often underlined,
suggesting he has tried some of the procedures in the camp, had problems
and been talked through his mistakes."
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McDonald's Bombed in Xian
Reuters | Submitted by: Crazy Quagga
The McDonald's in Xi'an China was devastated by a suicide bomber,
injuring 30 others. The explosion comes on the heels of a series of
strange detonations throughout that area of China, which do not seem
to be the work of concerted terrorists but rather a trendy and
perverse way to exact revenge. The second link is a close-up of
"forlorn Ronald McDonald sitting in debris-strewn eatery after
the explosion."
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Porcupine feces attack on postal facility
Grand Rapids Press | Submitted by: Mlaah
"The next day, Beal said he took two buckets of [porcupine] fecal matter--
which he had gathered in the woods -- to the post office and threw one at
several employees. He then left, returned about 30 seconds later and
splattered more muck from a second bucket on mail and another employee."
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Saturday, December 15, 2001
Taliban Body Market
Dallas Morning News | Submitted by: Scarecrow
"He and his comrades discovered they could earn even more money by
selling the bodies of Taliban fighters to their comrades or families...
The price a body would fetch depended on the nationality of the dead
soldier and the condition of his corpse... "I didn't sell any Arabs,
just some Pakistanis and Afghans," he said. "But my friends sold Arabs.
I sold six Pakistanis, and also I sold some Afghans from Kandahar
and Helmand, and one from Khost."
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Burglars caught on webcam
Austin American-Statesman | Submitted by: Tank Girl
"The pair made what could prove to be a major slip-up when they
wandered into an Avenue F home on Nov. 20. The two men tripped Dan
Littlejohn's motion-activated Web camera, and the computer recorded
the entire escapade on a Zip disk." Why didn't they take the computer?
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Inmate smuggles pot in Bible
Associated Press | Submitted by: Soylent
A man fooled his mother into smuggling marijuana and rolling
papers into jail by asking her to deliver a large print Bible.
Guards were tipped off because they were reading his mail.
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Are Israelis tapping our phones
Foxnews | Submitted by: Soylent
An Israeli company, Amdocs, provides the equipment that the FBI uses
to tap our telephones. But both the financing of that company by the
Israeli government, and the forces that are stopping investigations into
the mechanisms of the actual equipment itself are rather suspicious and
intriguing. "A 1999 F.C.C. document indicates several government
agencies expressed deep concerns that too many unauthorized non-law
enforcement personnel can access the wiretap system. And the FBI's own
nondescript office in Chantilly, Virginia that actually oversees the CALEA
wiretapping program, is among the most agitated about the threat."
Powerful interests are at work here.
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Bin Laden's Voice
Washington Times | Submitted by: Macki
"The officials say the voice has been positively matched to known
recordings of bin Laden. The intelligence represents the best proof that
America's most wanted man has been, and remains, in the cave complexes
in the Tora Bora region of the White Mountains in eastern Afghanistan."
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Friday, December 14, 2001
Pee inspectors crack down in Swaziland
BBC | Submitted by: Fuxillius
A crackdown on public urination that has begun in the eastern
Swaziland town of Siteki has outraged residents who claim their
public toilets are entirely too fetid to use. "We've built
scores of public toilets, but men still insist on just whipping it
out and urinating on our pavements - even in the centre of town.

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There can be only one
Washington Post | Submitted by: Pete
"At least one was involved in a self-described coven and dabbled in self
mutilation and drinking blood, those who know him said. The trio's
curiosities turned deadly Saturday when they carried out 'a planned
assassination' using a two-foot sword, a prosecutor said."
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Cheney-Lieberman blacklist threatens campuses
San Jose Mercury | Submitted by: Slunk
A group founded by the Vice President's wife, Lynne Cheney, and the
influential Senator Joseph Lieberman has created a blacklist documenting
campus speech activities that they find un-American.
"The report documents 117 campus incidents as 'evidence' of anti
Americanism. More than 40 professors are named, including the president
of Wesleyan University, who suggested in an open letter that 'disparities
and injustices' in American society and the world can lead
to hatred and violence."
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Diarrhea incident has man in dutch
IOL | Submitted by: Don
"A Dutchman has been arrested in Ghana after being caught with his
trousers down defecating into a drinking water bucket used by his workers,
said police in the West African country. Workers had complained that van
Roussum regularly defecated into their water buckets." [This story,
while short, has so much to offer.]
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Pierced tongue leads to brain infection
Fox News | Submitted by: missKaren
Piercing one's tongue has always been somewhat questionable, and unless
you are a specialist in giving oral sex it really isn't recommended. And
now it turns out you can get a brain infection, thus discovered a
young New Haven, CT woman recently. "The bacteria that caused the abscess
in this patient were those typically found in persons' mouths." But a
little brain surgery fixed her up right good.
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Japanese man claims he invented Segway
Mainichi Daily News | Submitted by: Ryano
A Japanese man, Kazuo Yamafuji, claims to have invented a scooter
in the 1980's which is 'identical in principle' to Dean Kamen's Segway
which was demonstrated on Good Morning America one week ago.
The Segway involves many different patents and inventions, and this claim
is only conflicting with one or two of them, which will not invalidate the
other patents. Yamafuji's patents are only valid in Japan, but may demonstrate
prior art that invalidates portions of Kamen's, if the claims here are true.
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Bush invokes executive privilege
Associated Press | Submitted by: Macki
For the first time, President George W Bush has invoked executive
privilege to prevent documents from landing into the hands of dangerous
U.S. Congressmen. Bush claims release of these papers would be
"contrary to the national interest", so one would presume these have to
do with terrorism. This is not the case; the documents have to do with
a Clinton fund-raising investigation, murder investigations in Boston
from more than ten years ago, and snitches to the Justice Department.
The move is part of a concerted effort by the administration to keep
potentially embarrassing documents out of public hands, by throttling FOIA
requests by the public as well as requests from customary
Congressional oversight committees.
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Thursday, December 13, 2001
Kamikaze camel warning issued
BBC | Submitted by: waifer
The latest weapon of mass destruction is rather wiley, plus it
can survive in the desert for weeks on its own:
"The Afghan mujahideen fighters would strap dynamite to a camel and send it
towards a Russian base. Then, as the animal wandered near troops or equipment,
they would set it off with a remote detonator, to deadly effect."
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Officer leaves gun in school bathroom
Canadian Broadcasting | Submitted by: Midge Luv
The ideal of a gun-free school environment was dealt a blow last week
when an officer abandoned his revolver in an elementary school bathroom,
only to be discovered by students moments later. And much to the
embarassment of the police administration, they were unaware of the
incident until stories started appearing in the local press.
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My name is Dunlop. Dunlop-Tire.
Toronto Star | Submitted by: Keen Machine
"Companies have spent millions of dollars to name hockey arenas, football
stadiums and baseball parks. We thought, why not name Dunlop people as well?
After all, they're already halfway to being Dunlop-Tire," said Jane Wilcox,
head of public relations for Dunlop, which is owned by North American giant
Goodyear Tire and Rubber Co., but a small player in the tire market.
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Bin Laden videotape released
The Pentagon | Submitted by: Macki
A videotape that shows Osama bin Laden taking credit for the attacks
on 9-11 has been released by the U.S. Defense Department. Bin Laden expresses
surprise at the effectiveness of the attack, and reveals that not all
individuals involved knew that they were going to die. The attacks were
much more successful than anticipated, with total collapse of the WTC
buildings unexpected.
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Winona Ryder arrested for shoplifting
Reuters | Submitted by: Tank Girl
"Oscar-nominated actress Winona Ryder, who specializes in portraying
troubled young women, was arrested on Wednesday night at a posh Beverly
Hills department store for allegedly shoplifting $5,000 worth of
clothing, police said on Thursday."
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Wednesday, December 12, 2001
Area 51 guards on strike
Associated Press | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
Complaining of low pay and compulsory overtime since the September 11 attacks,
scores of highly classified rent-a-cops went on the picket line. After three
months of failed negotiations with EG&G Technical Services Inc., more than 70
security guards went on strike early Monday at the company's offices in Las
Vegas and at various "remote test locations." EG&G supplies private security
officers for the Department of Defense, apparently including the secret
facility known as Area 51 in Groom Lake, Nevada.
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Amputation fad growing
Atlantic Monthly | Submitted by: Useless
"Smith had amputated the legs of two patients at their request, and he
was planning to carry out a third amputation when the trust that runs
his hospital stopped him. These patients were not physically sick. Their
legs did not need to be amputated for any medical reason. Nor were they
incompetent, according to the psychiatrists who examined them. They
simply wanted to have their legs cut off." [Similar to arguing a right to
suicide, one can argue a right to self-modification, even the extreme.]
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Tune embryos at designer baby clinic
BBC | Submitted by: Brian Thompson
Does your baby need a kidney? Now, a clinic in London may soon be able
to filter out your unwanted embryos in favor of one that is able to provide
a donor kidney. Since only a percentage of siblings are capable of
organs that aren't rejected, this process weeds out the embryos which
the immune system of your existing [slightly irregular] baby would reject.
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Merry Christmas from your local death squad
Reuters | Submitted by: eoinmonkey
A an outlawed Columbian Paramilitary organisation, or "Death Squad" in
common parlance, has joined the ranks of pathetic Office bosses everywhere
and sent an Electronic Greetings card to its employees, wishing them a
happy slaughtering season. One question; If all these guys are Columbian,
why is their angel a little BLOND girl?
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Bulgarian news topless, bottomless
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Ross
Bulgarian news programming has taken a turn for the worst, or perhaps
for the better. "We carefully selected the girls so that they are
intelligent and not vulgar. We rejected any candidates with experience
in striptease bars. [Note: Those are the best ones.] We want to show
average Bulgarian girls, and not sex bombs." But at what price credibility?
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Hamas suicide school for kids
New York Post | Submitted by: Soylent
Is the waiting list for your local preschool too long? Perhaps you
can consider sending your child to an alternative institution:
"He and other kids - as young as 4 and no older than 8 - are fitted with
fake explosives as they are taught how to become suicidal terrorists by
members of the Palestinian terror group Hamas."
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The probable 9-11 mastermind
Insight | Submitted by: Angry Dan
"He has blown up U.S. embassies and car-bombed a U.S. military barracks.
He has hijacked U.S. commercial airliners and murdered Americans. He has
kidnapped and tortured a top CIA officer and vowed through terror to drive
the United States from his country. Do you know who he is? If you guessed
Osama bin Laden, you're wrong. The correct answer is Imad Fayez Mugniyeh."
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Tuesday, December 11, 2001
Inmate goes for beer run
Associated Press | Submitted by: rbw
"When state troopers arrived at the minimum security prison, only a few
hundred yards from the St. Johnsbury state police barracks, they found Delude
with a 24-pack of beer and a carton of cigarettes back inside the fence, said
Correctional Service Director Dick Turner."
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FDA clears Ecstasy for clinical trials
Wired | Submitted by: Macki
For the first time since its prohibition, the FDA has approved a human
study to scientifically determine the usefulness of MDMA as a therapy aide.
MDMA is not patented, thus support for its approval has had to come from
grass-roots organizations like the Multidisciplinary Association for
Psychedelic Studies (MAPS), instead of pharmaceutical cartels.
"Twelve will receive 125 milligrams of MDMA on two occasions, and eight will get a placebo. Neither the patients nor Dr. Mithoefer will know who got what." How anyone could not know whether or not they're on E is a mystery indeed.
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Do we have a National Emergency Surplus?
San Francisco Chronicle | Submitted by: Pants
"Bill Clinton signed no less than 14 national-emergency proclamations.
He signed one each to deal with the threats to America from Angola,
Yugoslavia, Iran, Colombia (because of drugs), Sudan and Sierra Leone.
The one he signed on July 4, 1999, is interesting: It dealt with the
threat of the Taliban in Afghanistan."
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Monday, December 10, 2001
Bin Laden to suicide on TV
Mirror | Submitted by: DirkDarkholer
"Osama bin Laden plans a TV suicide that will trigger attacks on landmarks
in London, Paris and the US. His estranged wife Sabiha said last night he
would order his elder sons to shoot him rather than be captured.
'That will be the signal for a new wave of terror. The targets this time
would be the Capitol building in Washington, Big Ben in London and the
Eiffel Tower in Paris.'"
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Utah Porn Czar calls for more nudity
Salt Lake City Tribune | Submitted by: Soylent
"An indecency statute that has been on the books at least 12 years is too broad
in its restrictions, Houston says, and could be used to prosecute exhibits of
Michelangelo's classic nude David sculpture or even displays of
bare-breasted women in National Geographic Magazine."

Talk about missing your target audience.
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QVC stalking
Associated Press | Submitted by: Macki
Everyone needs a hobby, but Phillip Young chose a rather droll one.
He stalks hosts of QVC the Quality Value Channel. The insipid cable
network presents viewers an array of uninteresting merchandise
showcased by uninteresting personalities. After being arrested for
QVC stalking three years ago, he's now been re-arrested. D'oh.
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Cremation gone wrong
Singapore Straits-Times | Submitted by: Soylent
"The family of a woman who died of cancer were aghast to find her body left
half-cremated in the burner when they returned to collect her ashes.
The machine had broken down on the day of cremation, but the family of T.
Erishama had not been informed."
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Government knew about using planes as weapons
Agence France Presse | Submitted by: Soylent
Again about being asleep at the wheel:
"Western secret services knew as far back as 1995 that suspected terror
mastermind Osama bin Laden planned to attack civilian sites using commercial
passenger planes, German newspaper Die Welt said Friday."
[Nothing was ever done about this intelligence information, and no steps
were taken to beef up the security of internal American airspace.]
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Sunday, December 9, 2001
Gay orang-utans
BBC | Submitted by: FunkGM
"A scientist has observed homosexual behaviour in wild orang-utans for
the first time, adding the great apes to the long list of animals that take
part in same sex relationships."
[Also answering the long standing question, how cruisy are the jungles
of Sumatra?]
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South Africans raping infants to cure HIV
Reuters | Submitted by: deadite
Sometimes the news can just be astonishing:
"The rape is the latest in a growing number of infant-rapes, fuelled by
a myth that sex with a virgin will cure a man of HIV/AIDS, the illness which
affects one in nine of the country's population."
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Blitzen shot, killed
Pittsburgh Live | Submitted by: Jamie the Pumpkin King
Blitzen, a reindeer that escaped from a holiday display on Friday,
was shot and killed after it was mistaken for a whitetail deer.
A companion deer, Donner, was however captured and saved.
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Saturday, December 8, 2001
More on that Ashcroft thing
Yahoo | Submitted by: Soylent
Lots of people sent rotten.com email bitching at us for our criticism
of U.S. Attorney General Ashcroft, who stated that supporting constitutional
rights was implicit support for terrorism. Ashcroft has repeatedly said
that lack of government power is in large part responsible for the terrorist
attacks on American soil, and he has pushed through as many sweeping new
powers as he possibly can (the misnamed "Patriot Act"). When in fact it is
the government being asleep at the wheel and the misdirection of its
energies to idiotic crusades such as the drug war, instead of paying attention
to things that really matter, foreign and military policy. Richard Reeves
here has a thoughtful OpEd on the subject.
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Inept Burglary Award
Detroit Free Press | Submitted by: Soylent
A man stole $6000 from his employer, and then locked himself in his
truck, pretending that he'd been trapped for six days. Unfortunately,
he was spotted by a witness, and in reality the man's car had been
in the parking lot for only six minutes. Also unexplained is the lack
of six days worth of urine and feces from the trunk.
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Lost city found off Cuban coast. NOT
BBC | Submitted by: sweet P
"A team of explorers working off the western coast of Cuba say they have
discovered what they think are the ruins of a submerged city built thousands
of years ago." [Editor's note: A number of people have been submitting this
story. Regardless of what reliable source you found the story, it's bogus.
The granite blocks are a rock formation, entirely cleaved by natural forces.
Please note the lack of actual facts in the story. It's sad to see
agencies such as BBC and Reuters fooled by this bullshit.]
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Germany wants to put time limits on porn
Financial Times Deutschland | Submitted by: Soylent
Germany thinks it can control the Internet, so now it's considering
requiring that porn sites restrict their hours to 11pm to 6am. Exactly
how they will coerce sites operating outside Germany is not explained,
hence the term "imbecility" that some have used to describe this proposal.
Of course this is the same German body, a branch of the Family Ministry,
that concerns "Youth Endangering Writings", that wants to ban rotten.com...
[Article in German, sorry]
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X Ray of retractor left in patient
Reuters | Submitted by: Soylent
After surgery at the University of Washington, a 13 inch retractor was
left in the body of Donald Church. Now, you can violate his privacy by looking
at this X-Ray, which clearly show his naughty bits. Of course, he received
a $97,000 settlement for this indignity, so don't feel too guilty.   Unfortunately, he was not aware of
Deuteronomy 23:1, "He that is wounded in the stones, or hath his privy member
cut off, shall not enter into the congregation of the LORD." Oopsie.
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Nukes running amok
Christian Science Monitor | Submitted by: Ann Onymous
A fascinating article about the availability of Highly Enriched Uranium
and trying to keep it away from terrorist organizations.
"In the early 1990s, Aum actively recruited adherents from Russia's nuclear design facilities, as well as student physicists from Moscow State University. It purchased property in Australia from which it planned to mine natural uranium for enrichment - an arduous task beyond the resources of most nations. In 1993, Aum representatives sought a meeting with then-Russian Energy Minister Viktor Mikhailov for the express purpose of discussing the purchase of a nuclear warhead. (The meeting was denied.)"
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Ashcroft: Supporting constitution aids terrorism
Washington Post | Submitted by: Chet Desmond
"To those who pit Americans against immigrants, citizens against non-citizens,
to those who scare peace-loving people with phantoms of lost liberty, my
message is this: Your tactics only aid terrorists for they erode our national
unity and diminish our resolve," Ashcroft told the Senate Judiciary Committee.
How did this idiot ever get confirmed as Attorney General?
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Japan broke U.S. WWII codes
Los Angeles Times | Submitted by: Soylent
Everyone knows the United States had broken the Japanese military codes
and effectively used them as a weapon against them. But now it's been
discovered that Japan had been listening to our diplomatic codes before they
even brought the U.S. into the war:
"While researching secret codes used prior to the attack on Pearl Harbor 60
years ago, the young Japanese American professor stumbled upon a document,
declassified by the CIA about five years ago, that proved that Tokyo had
succeeded in breaking the U.S. and British diplomatic codes."
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Thursday, December 6, 2001
Deep heat broomstick sodomy
Hawkes Bay Today | Submitted by: Stile
They sure know how to do their violent forced sodomy, down under:
"The victim of a broomstick sex attack screamed and struggled as the stick
coated with Deep Heat was driven into his anus."
Seven youths have been charged for the birthday party incident.
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Two penises lost
Africa Online | Submitted by: Africa Online
One death has resulted and two young boys have lost their penises
this week in botched circumcision surgery at Mdantsane in South Africa.
Both female and male circumcision is practiced in certain areas of
Africa, for cultural reasons. "The bad thing is that those two boys will
survive without their male organs. It is a sad and painful thing."
Yes. It is.
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Columbine diaries posted
Westword | Submitted by: Max
Westword has posted portions of the writings of Eric Harris, one of the
two Columbine shooters.

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This article...
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Reports of their deaths exaggerated
New York Times Service | Submitted by: Scarecrow
"Heard belongs to one of the more peculiar subsets created by the aftermath
of Sept. 11, people who found their way onto one or another of the lists of
dead but who are in fact alive. Many were distant from the towers when they
crumbled. Others narrowly eluded death. For logical or illogical reasons,
however, their names got swept up among the many who did die in the ruins of
that day."
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Wanking as art form
Reuters | Submitted by: Leviathan
All this time you were wiping it away with tissues. Israel Mora, however,
found a creative outlet for his msturbatory abilities... performance
art. "Level 7", his latest work, consists of seven glass vials of semen to
be put on display at the Banff Center in Calgary, Canada. Mora fancies
himself an artist! Our verdict: Wanker.
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Public Safety Announcement
Sun | Submitted by: Max
Attention.  "Safety experts say there is a
risk of the copier glass breaking and the machinery causing injury."
Instead, presumably you should photocopy your face, your breasts,
your cat or other housepets to fulfill this desire.
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New prime number record
BBC | Submitted by: Soylent
The distributed GIMPS project has located what is now the largest known
prime number, a Mersenne prime which is two to the power of 13,466,917 minus
one. Location and verification of primality took 13,000 computing years and
was spread over the computers of 130,000 volunteers running GIMPS software.
This four million digit number is both an exercise in massively parallel
naval gazing, and a demonstration of the power of distributed computing.
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Gun restrictions losing support
Christian Science Monitor | Submitted by: Soylent
After the 9-11 attacks, more people are coming to the realization that
they should be exercising their constitutional right to keep and bear arms:
"The Second Amendment takes on increased relevance for many in shaky times.
Following the Los Angeles riots of 1992, for example, there was a rush to
southern California gun stores. Handgun sales in the state jumped from 329,000
in 1991 to 382,000 in 1992 and to 433,000 in 1993."
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Wednesday, December 5, 2001
Man throws semen at shoppers
Youngstown Vindicator | Submitted by: DanJ
A man armed with semen-filled 35mm film canisters threw semen on at least
six women at a local shopping mall and Home Depot and Kmart. The attacks were
caught on videotape surveillance between August 4 and November 21. If test
results for HIV and other communicable diseases come back positive, the man
could be charged with a felony; if not, a misdemeanor. According to a local
police chief, "Some of the women are very angry."
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Pants down, but still armed and ready
News Channel 5 | Submitted by: crazyguy
The good news is that Tennessee park ranger Anthony Griffin was able
to shoot a man who tried to pull him out of his car, in an attempted
carjacking. The bad news is that Griffin was partially out of uniform,
had just dropped off a prostitute, and is now on administrative leave.
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Human parts for sale
All Africa | Submitted by: useless
"Why all the hues and cries about the discovery of human skulls in
possession of a man? It is no news that human parts are being sold in
Lagos markets. The business has been on for over 20 years. Why all
these hullabaloo about the arrest of somebody with human heads?"
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The Fighting Sioux
National Post | Submitted by: sweet P
The University North Dakota Fighting Sioux hockey team is under fire from
Native American groups ("prairie niggers") over their team name. A large
donation by Ralph Engelstad is contingent on the team keeping the moniker.
"Mr. Engelstad's past fuels the determination of the anti-name crusaders. In
addition to Hitler birthday parties, Mr. Engelstad's casino also once held a
secret shrine to the Nazis, according to a 1989 investigation by the Nevada
Gaming Commission. The room had flags and cars that once belonged to Hitler as
well as matching paintings of Mr. Engelstad and Hitler in uniform. A caption
said: To Ralph, from Adolf, 1938."
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SonicBlue claiming digital VCR patents
The Register | Submitted by: Soylent
The company that markets the ReplayTV device is claiming patents on the
obvious invention of the computer-as-VCR. These are similar patents to those
owned by TiVo, which are equally bogus. Alarmingly, in recent years the
patent office has been granting numerous software and technological patents
not based on the implementation of devices, but on the ideas the devices
represent. This is a fundamental misinterpretation of what patents are supposed
to be about. What results are patent claims that stop any instantiation of
the idea, and not the actual invention itself. Yes, the circuit and design
used should be patentable. But not the idea.
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Journal wants to un-publish article
Observer | Submitted by: Soylent
An article published by a scientific journal comes to the conclusion
that the genetics of Jews and Palestinians are virtually indistinguishable.
The journal accepted, and published the article. Now it wants to take it back,
after complaints about its political slant.
"The article has been removed from Human Immunology's website, while
letters have been written to libraries and universities throughout the world
asking them to ignore or 'preferably to physically remove the relevant pages'.
Arnaiz-Villena has been sacked from the journal's editorial board."
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U.S. to annex Canada
Canadian Broadcasting | Submitted by: Trashcan Man
Canada is surrendering control over who enters their territory to
the United States, under an agreement signed this week. The U.S. will
be able to deny entry to people or groups of people (such as entire
nations) to its northern neighbor, in exchange for economic cooperation.
"If there's an embargo against that country, Canada will have to share
in that embargo. We will have no distinct foreign policy."
Suckers walk, money talks.
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Tuesday, December 4, 2001
Mutant mouse scrotum leads to stem cell discovery
Los Angeles Times | Submitted by: LadyC
Tumors in the "129" strain of white laboratory mice have led to
a lot of the wonderful recent discoveries involving stem cell growth.
Stems cells are cells that can grow into any of the various body
cell types. "Mouse and man came together when Dr. Stevens noticed
a huge swelling on the animal's scrotum." [All the best
discoveries start like that!] "You would cut them and little bones
would crunch... you would see cartilage, and little black areas
where the melanocytes were. There were twitching muscle cells.
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He peed on my house, so I stabbed him
San Francisco Examiner | Submitted by: dj pie
"A San Francisco prosecutor was on the right end of a knife, but perhaps the
wrong side of the law recently. A grand jury this week will decide if he
faces charges for stabbing a man with a Christmas gift from his mother.
Police said Deputy District Attorney Floyd Andrews, 45, fought with Martin
Stanley, 37, when Andrews found Stanley and another man Nov. 9 urinating
on the garage door of his San Rafael home."
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Secret Service handling Super Bowl security
Associated Press | Submitted by: Soylent
The Secret Service will be handling security for the Superbowl, which
is rather unusual since the charter of the organization covers counterfeiting
(the original mission), and protecting elected officials. More recently,
the Service has been branching out to combat school shootings, and also
the vague area of "electronic crimes".
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Attention span worse than we thought
Boston Globe | Submitted by: Ryano
"According to the ratings, when MTV runs videos - entire videos, not the
bits and pieces it has been running in recent years - the station loses
viewers. The MTV audience, the insider explained, can't sit
through a whole video anymore." Yikes!
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Jack Valenti hates your rights
San Jose Mercury | Submitted by: Macki
Several days ago a series of court rulings upheld insidious provisions
in the Digital Millennium Copyright Act, which actually prevent consumer
fair use access to materials which they are rightly entitled to. Copyright
law was intended to balance the rights of authors with those of the public,
by freeing their works after a limited time. The DMCA, on the other hand,
makes it illegal to circumvent any technology that is used to protect
media, even when the content is public domain.
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Company claims hyperlinking them is illegal
KPMG | Submitted by: Soylent
"Douchebag is obligated to
protect its reputation and trademarks and Douchebag
reserves the right to request removal of any link to our website... The
following web link activities are explicitly prohibited by
Douchebag and may present trademark and
copyright infringement issues: Links that involve unauthorized use of
our logo; Framing, inline links or metatags; Hyperlinks or a form of
link that disguises the URL and bypass the homepage."
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Bin Laden's Dirty Bomb
Washington Post | Submitted by: Soylent
Intelligence sources are now more concerned that Bin Laden may have enough
radioactive material to create a radiological weapon, or dirty nuclear bomb.
Such bombs do not undergo nuclear reactions themselves, but spread
radioactive dust and debris over a large area. And a lower level concern
is that they are on the road to assembling a fissile bomb. A truly worrying
report from the Washington Post.
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Monday, December 3, 2001
The "It" machine
Time (No Balls) | Submitted by: Sketchcow
Southpark recently parodied the "It" machine as a unicycle type contraption
with dildonic attachments. We have learned this not to be the case. What it
appears to be, and this has actually been public knowledge for quite a few
months from filings in the USPTO, is a gyroscope balanced scooter. It is
called Segway, It cost $100M to develop, and It is expected to sell
$1B in record time. Or perhaps It will be a big let-down.
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Teacher fired for telling truth about Santa
Daily Telegraph | Submitted by: void
A first grade teacher in Australia has been fired and is now undergoing
counselling (re-education) after she told her pupils there was no
Santa Claus. [Note to readers: There is no Santa Claus.]
"The spokesman said children who have questions about Santa Claus,
the Easter Bunny [Also not real] and the Tooth Fairy [very definitely real]
should ask their parents."
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Alarming news about earwigs
Sydney Morning Herald | Submitted by: Ross
News that may be somewhat alarming to men: earwigs have two penises.
That is not the alarming part actually. It's that they have two penises
because one of the penises often snaps off during intercourse.
  They also speculate that "the drake's penis has a
brush-like tip, which they say the males probably use to scrub the
sperm of previous mates from the female’s oviduct." Yum!
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Pot covered by insurance company
Associated Press | Submitted by: Soylent
"A man who says he uses marijuana for medicinal purposes received $5,525
from his insurance company after arguing that the backyard crop police
ripped up was covered by his homeowner's policy."
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U.S. planning Iraqi overthrow
Observer | Submitted by: Soylent
"America intends to depose Saddam Hussein by giving armed support to Iraqi
opposition forces across the country, The Observer has learnt. President
George W. Bush has ordered the CIA and his senior military commanders to draw
up detailed plans for a military operation that could begin within months."
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Sunday, December 2, 2001
Monorail joyride at Newark Airport
Bergen Record | Submitted by: Reid Fleming
An utter lack of security allowed a passenger to take control of a
Newark Int'l Airport monorail. After flipping open an unlocked control
panel, Robert Mathews piloted the AirTrain between the Parking Lot E
and Rail Link stations. Upon arrest, Mathews was asked if he belonged
to any terrorist organizations. At which point he should have
shouted "FREE THE MONORAILS!"
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Chess dweeb Bobby Fischer applauds 9-11 attacks
London Telegraph | Submitted by: Tweety Fish
"This is all wonderful news. It is time to finish off the US once and
for all. I was happy and could not believe what was happening. All the
crimes the US has committed in the world. This just shows, what goes
around comes around, even to the US... I applaud the act. The US and
Israel have been slaughtering the Palestinians for years. Now it is
coming back at the US."
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Ashcroft possessed by spirit of J. Edgar Hoover
New York Times | Submitted by: RottenFreak
Okay, we've created secret military tribunals where defendants don't have the
right to an appeal (or to even choose their own lawyers), we've interned-- no,
scratch that, we've detained for questioning -- God knows how many people
without filing a charge, we've got the ability to listen in on lawyer-client
conversations, and it's now okay to sweep people's e-mail for anything we find
interesting. Happy yet?  Let's make it easier to spy on Americans!
Didn't we already decide that was a bad idea? Nixon anyone?
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Soccer player in genital biting scandal
Bloomberg News | Submitted by: Soylent
"Gallardo, 21, was filmed with his head between the legs of Jose Antonio
Reyes, who had just netted in Sunday's 4-0 home win over Real Valladolid.
Spain's soccer federation is investigating whether he broke rules
concerning sporting decorum."
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DC Cops getting automatic tickets
Washington Times | Submitted by: Soylent
When a DC cop gets a ticket for speeding or running a red light sent to him
by the automatic camera system, he has to pay the fine. Even if the ticket
occurred during emergency business, unless they go through great efforts of
justifying their actions. So a lot of cops are now waiting at red lights,
and not speeding, even when emergency beckons. But the real question is, why
does the American public put up with surveillance ticketing?
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Names of 93 terrorist related detainees
Cryptome | Submitted by: Soylent
"This a list of the 93 identified detainees charged by the US government
in connection with the terrorism investigation. Another 11 persons also charged
have not been publicly identified. The 104 are among some 548 persons
apprehended and detained; the other 444 detained have not been identified.
All persons listed are presumed innocent until convicted in a court of law.
Military tribunal is not a court of law."
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French Hack School
BBC | Submitted by: Soylent
"This is Zi Hackademy, France's newly-opened school for computer
hackers. Inside, in a cramped classroom, rows of would-be cyber pirates
learn the not-so-ancient art of computer hacking."
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Saturday, December 1, 2001
Suicide can be fun
Daily Record | Submitted by: Soylent
Nothing is unusual about a man suiciding in front of a train, except in
this case, a very drunk Jonathan Gundry "stuck his tongue out and put his
thumbs in his ears", and then let the train splatter him. He was 38.
[Jonathan earns 15 points for style, but suffers a 50 point penalty for
inconveniencing commuters. Too bad.]
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Satan banned from Inglis
St. Petersburg Times | Submitted by: sahaidak
"Be it known from this day forward that Satan, ruler of darkness, giver of
evil, destroyer of what is good and just, is not now, nor ever again will be,
a part of this town of Inglis. Satan is hereby declared powerless, no longer
ruling over, nor influencing, our citizens."
[In unrelated news, rotten.com will be relocating its web servers to the
sleepy Florida town of Inglis.]
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$50K to whack a journalist
Guardian | Submitted by: Soylent
Osama has $25M on his head, George W Bush $50M on his.  Many news agencies are already pulling
out of the country, among them the BBC. Northern Afghanistan
isn't really controlled by the Northern Alliance anyway, it's pretty
much under authority of bandits.
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Video of police beating
Sky News | Submitted by: Soylent
Police in Australia were filmed beating a suspect with a rather
long wooden plank. Whether or not it was a deserved beating (police
claim that it's perfectly acceptable: "I cannot see the problem"),
the fact that film of it is available has generated a lot of controversy.
[Story accompanied by the video]
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Did sheriff kill sheriff-elect?
Fox News | Submitted by: Soylent
"Sidney Dorsey, erstwhile sheriff of DeKalb County, is one of three men
accused of killing Derwin Brown days before Brown was to assume office. Brown,
46, had defeated Dorsey in a bitter runoff in August after promising to clean
up a department that for years had been dogged by corruption."
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Priceless Leonardo destroyed by restorers
The Art Newspaper | Submitted by: Soylent
"In an article in Italian newspaper Corriere della Sera, Professor Pedretti
expressed his amazement that restorers had not carried out tests before
submerging the picture, particularly given the delicate nature of the vegetable
inks Leonardo had used. He cited two other recent cases where damage has been
done to Leonardo drawings by botched cleaning efforts."
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Greek Canary Heist
Kathimerini | Submitted by: Soylent
Twenty-six canaries were stolen at the Northern Greek Canary Show
in Thessaloniki, while they were waiting overnight to be judged the
following day. Devious competitor at work?
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Archive for November 2001..
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Blog about a programmer who followed his love halfway across the world, from Czech Republic all the way to Japan. Expect stories about a possible clash of cultures, about programming and IT in general and maybe micro-stories containing a random thought or two.
PGP: D422 FA2F 0037 0ABD D1CC 22E5 4684 6F75 9ECA 2702


WITNESS LIST General Investigating Committee August 6, 2004-9:00A HHSC On: Hawkins, Albert (HHSc) Peavy, Joanna (Texas State Auditors Offie) Wilkes, David (Rudd & Wisdom Consulting Actuaries) Young, John (Texas State Auditors Office) Registering, but not testifying: On: Jorgensen, Cindy (HHSC) Millwee, Billy (HHSC)


{{ metadata.get('title') }} {% if metadata.get('unedited', false) %} [Unedited] {% endif %}
{{ render_byline() }}Introduction
The median web page is around 1900KB in size and contains 74 requests. That doesn't sound too bad, right?
Here's the issue with medians: they mask problems. By definition, they focus only on the middle of the distribution. We need to consider percentiles at both extremes to get an understanding of the bigger picture.
Looking at the 90th percentile exposes the unpleasant stuff. Roughly 10% of the pages we're pushing at the unsuspecting public are in excess of 6 MB and contain 179 requests. This is, frankly, terrible. If this doesn't seem terrible to you, then you definitely need to read this chapter.
Myth: Page size doesn't matter
The common argument as to why page size doesn't matter anymore is that, thanks to high-speed internet and our souped-up devices, we can serve massive, complex (and massively complex) pages to the general population. This assumption works fine, as long as you're okay with ignoring the vast swathe of internet users who don't have access to said high-speed internet and souped-up devices.
Yes, you can build large robust pages that feel fast… to some users. But you should care about page bloat in terms of how it affects all your users, especially mobile-only users who deal with bandwidth constraints or data limits.
More bandwidth isn't a magic bullet for web performance
Even if more people had access to better devices and cheaper connections, that wouldn't be a complete solution. Double the bandwidth doesn't mean twice as fast. In fact, it has been demonstrated that increasing bandwidth by up to 1,233% only made pages 55% faster.
The problem is latency. Most of our networking protocols require a lot of round-trips, and each of those round trips imposes a latency penalty. For as long as latency continues to be a performance problem (which is to say, for the foreseeable future), the major performance culprit will continue to be that a typical web page today contains a hundred or so assets hosted on dozens of different servers. Many of these assets are unoptimized, unmeasured, unmonitored—and therefore unpredictable.
What types of assets does the HTTP Archive track, and how much do they matter?
Here's a quick glossary of the page composition metrics that the HTTP Archive tracks, and how much they matter in terms of performance and user experience:
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The total size is the total weight in bytes of the page. It matters especially to mobile users who have limited and/or metered data.
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HTML is typically the smallest resource on the page. Its performance risk is negligible.
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Unoptimized images are often the greatest contributor to page bloat. Looking at the 90th percentile of the distribution of page weight, images account for a whopping 5.2 MB of a roughly 7 MB page. In other words, images comprise almost 75% of the total page weight. And if that already wasn't enough, the number of images on a page has been linked to lower conversion rates on retail sites. (More on that later.)
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JavaScript matters. A page can have a relatively low JavaScript weight but still suffer from JavaScript-inflicted performance problems. Even a single 100 KB third-party script can wreak havoc with your page. The more scripts on your page, the greater the risk.
It's not enough to focus solely on blocking JavaScript. It's possible for your pages to contain zero blocking resources and still have less-than-optimal performance because of how your JavaScript is rendered. That's why it's so important to understand CPU usage on your pages, because JavaScript consumes more CPU than all other browser activities combined. While JavaScript blocks the CPU, the browser can't respond to user input. This creates what's commonly called "jank": that annoying feeling of jittery, unstable page rendering.
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CSS is an incredible boon for modern web pages. It solves a myriad of design problems, from browser compatibility to design maintenance and updating. Without CSS, we wouldn't have great things like responsive design. But, like JavaScript, CSS doesn't have to be bulky to cause problems. Poorly executed stylesheets can create a host of performance problems, ranging from stylesheets taking too long to download and parse, to improperly placed stylesheets that block the rest of the page from rendering. And, similarly to JavaScript, more CSS files equals more potential trouble.
Bigger, complex pages can be bad for your business
Let's assume you're not a heartless monster who doesn't care about your site's visitors. But if you are, you should know that serving bigger, more complex pages hurts you, too. That was one of the findings of a Google-led machine learning study that gathered over a million beacons' worth of real user data from retail sites.
There were three really important takeaways from this research:
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The total number of elements on a page was the greatest predictor of conversions. Hopefully this doesn't come as a huge surprise to you, given what we've just covered about the performance risks imposed by the various assets that make up a modern web page.
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The number of images on a page was the second greatest predictor of conversions. Sessions in which users converted had 38% fewer images than in sessions that didn't convert.
- Sessions with more scripts were less likely to convert. What's really fascinating about this chart isn't just the sharp drop-off in conversion probability after about 240 scripts. It's the long tail that demonstrates how many retail sessions contained up to 1,440 scripts!
Now that we've covered why page size and complexity matter, let's get into some juicy HTTP Archive stats so we can better understand the current state of the web and the impact of page bloat.
Analysis
The statistics in this section are all based on the transfer size of a page and its resources. Not all resources on the web are compressed before sending, but if they are, this analysis uses the compressed size.
Page weight
Roughly speaking, mobile sites are about 10% smaller than their desktop counterparts. The majority of the difference is due to mobile sites loading fewer image bytes than their desktop counterparts.
Mobile
| Percentile | Total (KB) | HTML (KB) | JS (KB) | CSS (KB) | Image (KB) | Document (KB) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 90 | 6226 | 107 | 1060 | 234 | 4746 | 49 |
| 75 | 3431 | 56 | 668 | 122 | 2270 | 25 |
| 50 | 1745 | 26 | 360 | 56 | 893 | 13 |
| 25 | 800 | 11 | 164 | 22 | 266 | 7 |
| 10 | 318 | 6 | 65 | 5 | 59 | 4 |
Desktop
| Percentile | Total (KB) | HTML (KB) | JS (KB) | CSS (KB) | Image (KB) | Document (KB) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 90 | 6945 | 110 | 1131 | 240 | 5220 | 52 |
| 75 | 3774 | 58 | 721 | 129 | 2434 | 26 |
| 50 | 1934 | 27 | 391 | 62 | 983 | 14 |
| 25 | 924 | 12 | 186 | 26 | 319 | 8 |
| 10 | 397 | 6 | 76 | 8 | 78 | 4 |
Page weight over time
Over the past year the median size of a desktop site increased by 434 KB, and the median size of a mobile site increased by 179 KB. Images are overwhelmingly driving this increase.
Mobile
| Percentile | Total (KB) | HTML (KB) | JS (KB) | CSS (KB) | Image (KB) | Document (KB) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 90 | +376 | -50 | +46 | +36 | +648 | +2 |
| 75 | +304 | -7 | +34 | +21 | +281 | 0 |
| 50 | +179 | -1 | +27 | +10 | +106 | 0 |
| 25 | +110 | -1 | +16 | +5 | +36 | 0 |
| 10 | +72 | 0 | +13 | +2 | +20 | +1 |
Desktop
| Percentile | Total (KB) | HTML (KB) | JS (KB) | CSS (KB) | Image (KB) | Document (KB) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 90 | +1106 | -75 | +22 | +45 | +1291 | +5 |
| 75 | +795 | -12 | +9 | +32 | +686 | +1 |
| 50 | +434 | -1 | +10 | +15 | +336 | 0 |
| 25 | +237 | 0 | +12 | +7 | +138 | 0 |
| 10 | +120 | 0 | +10 | +2 | +39 | +1 |
For a longer-term perspective on how page weight has changed over time, check out this timeseries graph from HTTP Archive. Median page size has grown at a fairly constant rate since the HTTP Archive started tracking this metric in November 2010 and the increase in page weight observed over the past year is consistent with this.
Page requests
The median desktop page makes 74 requests, and the median mobile page makes 69. Images and JavaScript account for the majority of these requests. There was no significant change in the quantity or distribution of requests over the last year.
Mobile
| Percentile | Total | HTML | JS | CSS | Image | Document |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 90 | 168 | 15 | 52 | 20 | 79 | 7 |
| 75 | 111 | 7 | 32 | 12 | 49 | 2 |
| 50 | 69 | 3 | 18 | 6 | 28 | 0 |
| 25 | 40 | 2 | 9 | 3 | 15 | 0 |
| 10 | 22 | 1 | 4 | 1 | 7 | 0 |
Desktop
| Percentile | Total | HTML | JS | CSS | Image | Document |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 90 | 179 | 14 | 53 | 20 | 90 | 6 |
| 75 | 118 | 7 | 33 | 12 | 54 | 2 |
| 50 | 74 | 4 | 19 | 6 | 31 | 0 |
| 25 | 44 | 2 | 10 | 3 | 16 | 0 |
| 10 | 24 | 1 | 4 | 1 | 7 | 0 |
File formats
The preceding analysis has focused on analyzing page weight through the lens of resource types. However, in the case of images and media, it's possible to dive a level deeper and look at the differences in resource sizes between specific file formats.
File size by image format (mobile)
| Percentile | GIF (KB) | ICO (KB) | JPG (KB) | PNG (KB) | SVG (KB) | WEBP (KB) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 10 | 0 | 0 | 3.08 | 0.37 | 0.25 | 2.54 |
| 25 | 0.03 | 0.26 | 7.96 | 1.14 | 0.43 | 4.89 |
| 50 | 0.04 | 1.12 | 21 | 4.31 | 0.88 | 13 |
| 75 | 0.06 | 2.72 | 63 | 22 | 2.41 | 33 |
| 90 | 2.65 | 13 | 155 | 90 | 7.91 | 78 |
Some of these results, particularly those for GIFs, are really surprising. If GIFs are so small, then why are they being replaced by formats like JPG, PNG, and WEBP?
The data above obscures the fact that the vast majority of GIFs on the web are actually tiny 1x1 pixels. These pixels are typically used as "tracking pixels", but can also be used as a hack to generate various CSS effects. While these 1x1 pixels are images in the literal sense, the spirit of their usage is probably closer to what we'd associate with scripts or CSS.
Further investigation into the data set revealed that 62% of GIFs are 43 bytes or smaller (43 bytes is the size of a transparent, 1x1 pixel GIF) and 84% of GIFs are 1 KB or smaller.
The tables below show two different approaches to removing these tiny images from the data set: the first one is based on images with a file size greater than 100 bytes, the second is based on images with a file size greater than 1024 bytes.
File size by image format for images > 100 bytes
| Percentile | GIF (KB) | ICO (KB) | JPG (KB) | PNG (KB) | SVG (KB) | WEBP (KB) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 10 | 0.27 | 0.31 | 3.08 | 0.4 | 0.28 | 2.1 |
| 25 | 0.75 | 0.6 | 7.7 | 1.17 | 0.46 | 4.4 |
| 50 | 2.14 | 1.12 | 20.47 | 4.35 | 0.95 | 11.54 |
| 75 | 7.34 | 4.19 | 61.13 | 21.39 | 2.67 | 31.21 |
| 90 | 35 | 14.73 | 155.46 | 91.02 | 8.26 | 76.43 |
File size by image format for images > 1024 bytes
| Percentile | GIF (KB) | ICO (KB) | JPG (KB) | PNG (KB) | SVG (KB) | WEBP (KB) |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| 10 | 1.28 | 1.12 | 3.4 | 1.5 | 1.2 | 3.08 |
| 25 | 1.9 | 1.12 | 8.21 | 2.88 | 1.52 | 5 |
| 50 | 4.01 | 2.49 | 21.19 | 8.33 | 2.81 | 12.52 |
| 75 | 11.92 | 7.87 | 62.54 | 33.17 | 6.88 | 32.83 |
| 90 | 67.15 | 22.13 | 157.96 | 127.15 | 19.06 | 79.53 |
The low file size of PNG images compared to JPEG images may seem surprising. JPEG uses lossy compression. Lossy compression results in data loss, which makes it possible to achieve smaller file sizes. Meanwhile, PNG uses lossless compression. This does not result in data loss, which this produces higher-quality, but larger images. However, this difference in file sizes is probably a reflection of the popularity of PNGs for iconography due to their transparency support, rather than differences in their encoding and compression.
File size by media format
MP4 is overwhelmingly the most popular video format on the web today. In terms of popularity, it is followed by WebM and MPEG-TS respectively.
Unlike some of the other tables in this data set, this one has mostly happy takeaways. Videos are consistently smaller on mobile, which is great to see. In addition, the median size of an MP4 video is a very reasonable 18 KB on mobile and 39 KB on desktop. The median numbers for WebM are even better but they should be taken with a grain of salt: the duplicate measurement of 0.29 KB across multiple clients and percentiles is a little bit suspicious. One possible explanation is that identical copies of one very tiny WebM video is included on many pages. Of the three formats, MPEG-TS consistently has the highest file size across all percentiles. This may be related to the fact that it was released in 1995, making it the oldest of these three media formats.
Mobile
| Percentile | MP4 (KB) | WebM (KB) | MPEG-TS (KB) |
|---|---|---|---|
| 10 | 0.89 | 0.29 | 0.01 |
| 25 | 2.07 | 0.29 | 55 |
| 50 | 18 | 1.44 | 153 |
| 75 | 202 | 223 | 278 |
| 90 | 928 | 390 | 475 |
Desktop
| Percentile | MP4 (KB) | WebM (KB) | MPEG-TS (KB) |
|---|---|---|---|
| 10 | 0.27 | 0.29 | 34 |
| 25 | 1.05 | 0.29 | 121 |
| 50 | 39 | 17 | 286 |
| 75 | 514 | 288 | 476 |
| 90 | 2142 | 896 | 756 |
Conclusion
Over the past year, pages increased in size by roughly 10%. Brotli, performance budgets, and basic image optimization best practices are probably the three techniques which show the most promise for maintaining or improving page weight while also being widely applicable and fairly easy to implement. That being said, in recent years, improvements in page weight have been more constrained by the low adoption of best practices than by the technology itself. In other words, although there are many existing techniques for improving page weight, they won't make a difference if they aren't put to use.


Asteriscript source code is licensed under GNU General Public License
v3.0.
Asteriscript is a general-use (and may I add, very shitty) language I made.
Depending on when this page is updated, it may be different, but the compiler only supports
these commands:
IO.out="anything you wanna output"
compiler.clrln()
There is no published compiler, but it is actively being worked on.
GitHub repo


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"They have no legal claim, no shadow of a shame will fall upon thy name" |
Bibliography | Recordings | Quizlet
The following references have been used in creating this homepage.
"Shadows on the Stage"
Theatre in New Zealand - the first 70 years by Peter Downes.
Published by John McIndoe Limited.
"Opera's Farthest Frontier"
a history of professional opera in New Zealand by Adrienne Simpson.
Published by Reed Books.
"Gilbert & Sullivan Opera in Australia"
by Vinia de Loitte.
Published by Whitmarks Ltd, Sydney
"The Pollards. A family and its child and adult opera companies in New Zealand and Australia."
by Peter Downes.
Published by Steele Roberts, New Zealand.
"The Performing Arts as Cultural History"
Edited by Katherine Brisbane.
Published by Currency Press, Sydney.
"J.C.W. A short biography of James Cassius Williamson"
by Ian Dicker.
Published by the Elizabeth Tudor Press, N.S.W.
"The First Night Gilbert and Sullivan"
by Reginald Allen.
Published by the Heritage Press, New York.
"The Gilbert and Sullivan Book"
by Leslie Baily.
Published by Cassel & Company Ltd.
"Music and the Stage in New Zealand"
by Maurice Hurst.
Published by Charles Begg & Company Ltd.
"The Gilbert and Sullivan Companion"
by Leslie Ayre.
Published by Papermac.
"Final Curtain - The Last Gilbert and Sullivan Operas"
by John Wolfson.
Published by Chappell & Company in association with André Deutsch.
"The Savoy Operas"
by Sir W.S.Gilbert.
Published by MacMillan & Co Ltd, London.
"Savoy Operas"
by Geoffrey Smith.
Published by Robert Hale Ltd, London
"Arthur Sullivan: a 'colourful and judicious' portrait of W.S. Gilbert's remarkable
partner"
by Arthur Jacobs.
Published by Oxford University Press.
<
"Gilbert and Sullivan - a picture history"
by Raymond Mander and Joe Mitchenson.
Published by Vista Books 1962
"The Silent Showman, Sir George Tallis"
by Michael and Joan Tallis.
Published by Wakefield Press.
"Gilbert and Sullivan"
by Hesketh Pearson.
Published by Hamish Hamilton Ltd. London.
"Stars of Australian Stage and Screen"
by Hal Porter
Published by Rigby Limited, Adelaide
"Theatre in Australia"
by John West
Published by Cassell Australia
"Dames, Principal Boys...and all that: A History of Pantomine in Australia"
by Viola Tait
Published by MacMillan, Melbourne
"Gilbert and Sullivan's London"
by Andrew Goodman.
Published by Spellmount Limited. Tunbridge Wells.
"Gilbert and Sullivan - the D'Oyly Carte years"
by Robin Wilson and Frederic Lloyd.
Published by Weidenfeld and Nicolson, London.
"Gilbert and Sullivan and their Victorian World"
by Christopher Hibbert.
Published by American Heritage Publishing Co., Inc., New York.
"The Handbook of Gilbert and Sullivan"
by Frank Ledlie Moore.
Published by Artur baker Limited, London.
<
"The Life and Reminiscences of Jessie Bond"
As told by herself to Ethel MacGeorge
Published by John Lane the Bodley Head Limited, 1930.
"W.S. Gilbert - A Classic Victorian & his Theatre"
by Jane W. Stedman.
Published by Oxford University Press, 1996.
"A Distant Music - The life and times of Alfred Hill"
by John Mansfield Thomson.
Published by the Oxford University Press.
"Oxford Companion to Australian Music"
Edited by Warren Bebbington.
Published by the Oxford University Press. Australia 1977.
"Gilbert, Sullivan, and D'Oyly Carte"
by Françis Cellier & Cunningham Bridgeman.
Published by Sir Isaac Pitman & Sons, Ltd, London 1914.
"Theatre in Australia"
by John West.
Published by Cassall Australia.
"The New Zealand Book of Events"
by various editors.
Published by Reed Methuen.
"Chronicles of the 20th Century"
Conceived by Jacques Legrand.
Published by Chronicle Communications Ltd, London/ Penguin Books, Australia Ltd.
"Alice May: Gilbert & Sullivan's First Prima Donna"
By Adrienne Simpson.
Published by Routledge, New York and London
"Currency Companion to Music and Dance in Australia"
John Whiteoak and Aline Scott-Maxwell, general editors
Published by Currency House Inc. Sydney
"My Life of Song"
by Gladys Moncrieff
Published by Rigby Limited, 1971
Thanks to the Savoy Group, London, for the history of the Savoy Hotel.
Thanks to Frank Van Straten, OAM, of Melbourne, Australia, for valuable information on the first performances in Australia.
Thanks to Eric Irvin and his article on George Miln published by the Australasian Drama Sudies, October 1991.
Thanks to the National Trapshooting Hall of Fame website for information on W.F. Carver www.traphof.org
And many thanks to Tim Devlin of Abu Dhabi, United Arab Republic, for a lot of help and information
from his own private collection.
So you think you know your Gilbert and Sullivan?