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Happy Normal The Diary
I really like VHS grunge gifs, and music.
Things I want Freedom. Chocolate. A lot of money.
Things I need
Food.
Writing.
10/16/2017 Plant a seed and water it everyday. Some seeds don't germinate, so plant more. (I feel good today. I feel the high but my feet feel the abyss I'm re-approaching. I'm scared of falling again from these high heights.)
10/18/2017
He's gone.
Like everyone else,
he's gone.
I gave him my email just in case he needed me.
He won't need me. This I know.
Waited for his final response to my final response literally all night.
I didn't sleep. I slept in, missing all my classes.
Maybe that was dumb. But I did it.
It's midterm break and everyone has deserted campus.
Even my roommate. I'm so relieved to have this space all to myself.
Finally.
I feel like he never really wanted to change this or put in more effort.
I was a guaranteed stock. He wasn't required to do much.

You have the option to show how much you care.
And you cared so little, I had to pretend you really did.
What else can I say to you after this?
As soon as I brought up disbanding,
You were already a mile away.
How do you live life hurting people?
No warning or anything. You just take what you want and get out.
Don't say you're guilty when you keep doing it.
One day, things will flip.

Everything comes full circle.
I just wish you would understand.
10/18/2017 Nighttime I want to kill myself. I feel like suicide is the only option. I've tried, I've tried. But I can't keep trying and crying all the time. My life has been nothing but pain. In all areas, there's mostly painful memories. Molested by Henry's friend when I was about 5. He'd slap me around afterwards. Thought it was love in a way. Isolated by momma. Brian beating us, beating our mom, beating Henry with a sword that night It's too much for one person. Feeling manipulated by my mom. Feeling so sheltered. I felt like the world was this scary place that only had bad intentions. I was ashamed of my family. I was ashamed of myself. I didn't go to friends' birthday parties. I want to make up these great memories my mom keeps trying to make seem real. Dad hit me and busted my lip on holloween. I had to leave a year later as a homeless kid. Friends at school were few. I turned to online. And even then, I knew I wasn't worth much to those people. Not to James, not to Des, not to Dianna, not to Sara, not to Tea, Not Sora, not Luke, not Katrina, not Rayne, Jake, Shanti.. Not Aidan. Not Lasha. Not Alek. Not Matthew. they disappeared. I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of rejection. I'm tired of feeling worthless. I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm just ready to die. I don't want to be here anymore. It'll just be a life of pain. They're all gone. Family. They don't understand. They don't help. They just hurt and blame. Tough love is not what I need right now. I give myself enough of that. I'm tired, I'm tired.      I can't stop thinking of killing myself. I just want to sleep forever. I can't keep waking up in this body. I can't do this. I can't do this alone But I have no one. They're gone. I'm alone now. I just need the courage. Some weed to loosen me up like that night with Ten.  I want to join my grandmother. Kill me.. Please. Kill me. End this. I have no one... no one...
10/19/2017 1:47am I meant all of that above. I want this pain to be over. No one will ever see this, so I can be honest here. I wish someone could see this and save me. I think it's cute that I always talk about helping people in similar mindsets But in reality, I'm hoping someone will see I'm talking about me. So far, no takers. Can I be angry at the world? Because I am.   They charm. They take. They cripple. They leave.  I don't care if I don't understand it.  I hate living here. I hate feeling so alien. I'm ugly, black, short, and fat. My genes are unlucky.  My energy is exhausted easily, socially and physically. I think that types like me weren't meant to make it in the world/wild. We're below everyone else.  But here I am. Breathing and typing. My tears are drying to my face. I'm tired but I'm afraid to get off this keyboard. I'm afraid I'll have to face myself and my loneliness all alone all over again. I need distractions. So, I'll watch Dashie, since he makes me laugh. And I'll try to fall asleep before I notice. I deleted kik, so I don't know if Aidan ever messaged me back. I guess I'll find out later. I don't even feel like I'm living for later. It's hard enough to exist in this moment. Is this how my hermit crabs felt when they commited suicide one by one? Such terrible cold conditions. They started leaving their shells, dying. They were that desperate to ease their discomfort. And I feel that. I feel that. Lisa is so relatable.
10/19/2017 9:49pm Hi. I'm sitting here at my laptop. Light blue dress that comes to my ankles and buttons up. Short sleeves. Looks nice on me. I have a black jacket on. Michael's jacket. A bit bigger but not much.  I'm a short girl. I'm confused about things. I try to feel pretty but I don't feel pretty. I want to change though. Before I go through with any suicide, I want to at least feel beautiful. And at the end of that journey, if I still feel miserable, I then know that none of this was avoidable. That my feelings are chronic. I slept in until around 4pm. Wow. I haven't wasted that much time in one sitting before. I think about him. I do. I read my messages that I screenshot. I think of things I should have said instead or worded differently. I wonder how he's taking those messages. If this even bothers him. If this is hurting him as much as it hurts me. And I don't know what would feel better. To know this is hurting him or that he's okay? It's selfish, I know. But the yearn for validation can be so strong. I feel numb but okay. I think. I tried to hate the world, but I don't hate it. I tried to think tough thoughts, to be strong. I don't feel very strong. I feel numb. I got some Dairy Queen. That's all I ate today. I don't feel fat, but it was still fattening. I watched a little bit of old 2013 Dashie vids. I played two games from Itch.o I woke up next to you again And Depression Quest The first game was really short. Probably took me 30 minutes to see all the endings. Depression Quest, however, took me forever. I just finished it before this post. Made me think of him. Maybe that's how he felt. Guilty, sad, and de-energized all the time. It made me think about my choice of words in that final message. I felt regret. But the choice still remains. I had to leave. Two sad people can't lift each other out of the wilderness.  Too much. Too fast. But I hope my email served some purpose. I check it. In the back of my mind, I'm stuffing down the hope that he does end up needing me and reaching out. It bubbles up inside me and I'm popping the hope as it comes. Hopelessness or constant disappointment? I don't know. No one reads this. I can be honest here. I have to keep reminding myself. I'm scared to be found out. But no one will find this. I'm a ghost. No one will see this. Be honest. I have to relax. For once, I have to relax. Have to trust this medium of expression since I don't have anything as useful. I have therapy tomorrow at 11am. I don't really like my therapist. He gets me so wrong. I cried in his office and he just stared right through me. I know they're probably use to people crying, but I don't know. I felt unseen? So, that's that. I will keep going though. I need appointments. They keep me on some sort of accountability schedule. Plus, venting is always good. When I see him, I'm going to tell him that I no longer want to discuss my social difficulties. I want to focus on getting over my past. Getting comfortable with who I am. I want to focus on myself. I'm not ready for people. I can't focus on the world anymore. Dad even said it once: "Stop trying to understand people all the time. Understand yourself." I use psychology and good observation to monitor others in a way, I guess. But that's to avoid myself? I need to stop worrying about others. I need to get comfortable with myself. As he said, put myself first. Even in the end, he let me down gently. I wrote something on my phone this morning too. It was during that long sleep. I had woken up around 12 and started typing this sort of manifesto. It was about.. well, all of this. I'd have to copy and paste it here sometime. I really liked it. The main takeaway I got was that I need to take this life one day at a time. Get over Aidan one day at a time. Get over what my family has done to me one day at a time. Go to tutoring. Go to class. One day at a time. Commit to my diet one day a time. Commit to consistent hygiene one day at a time. Speaking of which, I need to shower. God, the residence halls are so empty.  My roommate got a letter slid in under our door. She was nominated SA. I'm thinking of shredding it and playing dumb. It feels so good but it's so bad. It doesn't feel bad but to the person who finds this and is reading, maybe they think it's bad. But I want to do it. I snooped through her belongings. I read her shitty writing. I laid in her bed. So, that's what the other side feels like? Parents sending you letters of love and encouragement. Drawings from friends on your desk. Coffee mugs and fedoras. Pictures of recognizable people. Money. Lesbian books. Desk lamps.  Am I jealous? Is this jealously? I don't want to admit it. I feel something though. And it feels so good burning lightly in my chest. I don't want her to hurt like me. No, that's not what's going on. But having control over someone else's life feels good. To be on other side, for a change, feels good. And I'll do it amorally. With small traces of shame and guilt. But I'll do it. Anyway, I need to take that shower. My head hurts. I feel stupid.
10/21/2017 1:42am I don't want to live anymore Just want to fly fly fly fly away Ride high on the wings to paradise Fly fly fly high and away
Went to therapy like I promised myself. Felt good actually. I took it slow with him. He started talking about my loneliness and lack of friends. I said I didn't want to talk about that anymore. I wanted to talk about my past. I wanted to finally express all these memories. And we did that. I cried at some things. I managed through others. And it wasn't predictable either. The tears fell whenever like they were their own people.  Told him about Brian. Told him about moving constantly. Told him about Henry and that night. Told him about momma and feeling like I had to keep a low profile. Told him these little bits and peices about me.  But I think of them everyday? I guess these things are important to me after all. I'm coming out the closet, world. Believe it or not, I have a personality. I don't have to cower in a corner. Or be ashamed of myself. Just taking it one day at a time. The days matter. Can't keep sacrificing these days for the big picture. They make up the big picture. Just one day at a time. Slowly learning how to speak honestly. Slowly unlearning how to restrict myself from basic emotions. It's okay to be angry sometimes. To be jealous. To hate.  My feelings won't go away because I ignore them. No matter how hard I push. They're still there, even farther out of my reach now. Just one day at a time. And when just getting through the day seems impossible, I'll take it one minute at a time. Just one minute. Breathe. I have to remember to breathe. To accept myself. My family and old friends aren't here anymore. I don't have to be what I think they want me to be anymore. My mask doesn't have to be removed now, but deconstructed. One peice at a time. As I go through metamorphosis, my mask, the caccoon, breaks slowly. Like an egg shell. I still check his Tumblr and IMVU page. I still wonder. I want to type answers here. I want to explain my behaviour with some wise insights and relevations. Offer some sense to my future self. But I don't know what to say. I just do what I do. There's no pure reason. And as terrifying (honestly) the unknown is for me, It's starting to surround me like family members at my death bed in a hospital. The unknown mourns my dying self. But I'm not dying. The hollowed closet I turned my being into is being torn down. To make room for the unknown me. I've been trying on these different personas Trying to figure out which fits best. Be cruel like a trap rapper? Heartless and money-oriented? Be cool, confused, beautiful, and young like Tame Impala and Lana Del Rey? Be a narcissistic robot like Marina and the Diamonds? Angry like Dance Gavin Dance? Powerful and confident like Beyonce? Soft and poetic like Imogen Heap and My Brightest Diamond? Who do I choose to become? I'm more lost than I like to admit. I like to seem in control. If I play like I'm well, I'll get well, right? These suicidal feelings are telling me that I'm wrong. And I don't like being wrong. Ever. Maybe I really am a know-it-all, like Ten said. Dad said the same. And here I am. Alone. I didn't take that shower last night. I continued trying to fix this site more. I'm satisfied for now. (Just typing the above scares me. I'm waiting for the worse now.) I had brown discharge this morning. Like blackish. My sides have been hurting for months. I don't have health insurance, so I don't want to get checked. But maybe I should at least find something to check me up. I don't want anymore pain. One last thing: I played Life is Strange, Before the Storm. Episode 2. Just finished before writing. Liked it a lot. Rachel Amber scares me admittingly though. I don't trust her.. I don't know. Stomach feels sick. Gotta go. Just one day at a time. That's all.
Guess my personality type. That's right - INTJ! The loneliest of them all!
10/23/2017 12:22am Here I am. Sitting in my usual spot in my room. Fall break is officially over.  My sleep is off. It's terrible. Dreams are still weird. Just because I declared a change doesn't mean a change will occur suddenly. It's all a long process. I feel sick. Sicker than normal. Like my stomach will erupt. I eat everything in one sitting and don't consume all my recommended calories.  I barely bathed. Didn't bother brushing my teeth. That felt liberating. But I'm going to change that. I'm taking a shower soon. Going to wear clean clothes for class. Going to be a good clean girl. I still feel ill. Both mentally and physically. My habits of overthinking, Being overly aware of others, Being unable to live in the moment Without my thoughts wandering endlessly Thinking of Aidan. It hurts to check his feeds But out of boredom and bad habits I still do. I miss him. I miss having a friend. Even if that friend disappeared for weeks. Tried to reassure myself. Would tell her that our bond was relaxed and special. We had freedom together. But that was a cover-up for the fact That he would leave without much consideration. And I would message him repeatedly for a response. Was he only my friend out of sympathy? A sympathetic shell - Aidan. Gone already a mile when I brought up leaving. He's been on IMVU. He hasn't responded to my messages on Kik, So, I deleted it. Another program I deleted because of hin. Mathew... Alek.. They've all left me. And I'm all alone now. Feeling suicidal So dark and empty. Pretty canvas for makeup and music. Music, Youtube, writing the book, college - Only things I have now. Out of everything, the only things I own are the things I do myself. It hurts to feel nothing still. I'm hoping that things get better. I'm hoping this sad spirit leaves me alone. If sadness was a lover, we'd have a family together. And sadness would never cheat on me. No, sadness never strays. Always loyal. Always with me. Did you know that about 3000 people kill themselves each night in the US? I just researched that this morning. One day, I feel like I'll be in that group.  Time for that shower. I'm sure my roommate is tired of my late night stirrings.
10/25/2017 10:05pm Here I am again. Another night of dirty dancing. I'm not dancing, just sitting. I went out for a walk. Needed that badly. Felt like my head was going to explode. My sides feel like they're burning. The pain is briefly lifted when I eat. How nice. My head still hurts. Suicide is still a lingering thought. I think of death every morning, Nearly every minute really. I feel bad. I feel scared.  But the thought of doing something is exciting enough for me.  I'm ready to smash, kill, and fail. I want to feel real pain That has real purpose and meaning. All this pain is meaningless, boring, gloomy, and deep.  Just take a chainsaw to my jaw.  I'm so hurt, so numb I don't want to be special or golden.  Golden like a shower. Pointless little ant - me. One out of 7.4 billion. All these beautiful people. And their beautiful problems. My words spill and mix like cereal and milk. The cafeteria doesn't serve cookie crisps anymore. I have to eat fruitloops or cheerios now. A blank bowl stares back at me while I eat. And all that chatter pitter patter blows right past me. And I don't care about the blurry faces anymore. Some girl died from my college. I saw the email. That girl is super dead. Could've been me.. Is that wrong to think? I swear I'm not selfish and self-centered. But why would it be bad if I was anyway? I deleted the emails about her. I deleted my bookmarks, my history, my passwords. I deleted Aidan over and over again in my history. History repeats itself. The idea of him keeps raining in my head. stop. Go away, Aidan. And silently, he turns around and walks. And I let him. The pain has a sort of doppler affect. It's intense when he's close. But it dies down when he's far. But I keep running to him as he runs away. Getting over him is easier as the days pass. But.. I don't want to forget him. But everything about me is. I'm dying so softly, so politely. And he's the only one on my mind. And I'm on my mind.  Aidan is burning down. My mind is burning down. I'm the arsonist and the fire-fighter. The hero, the vigilante. And Aidan, with no consent, is my accomplice.  Fire gloves.. He never watered me.. He was hosing me down.. He saw the fire before I did. Left before he got burned. And I melted into a puddle of myself Embarressed and feral. I'm done writing about him.  I wrote while I was walking. Here are some of those notes: I dont think The friends I made Will read my filthy book So i can be filthy And honest if only in these Amateur pages I'm a visiting photographer from Aliendia I've never been to this world And my expedition is short My home will yank me back one day I should explore more. I just want a friend...  I only dance with my shadow It's black it's red it's yellow The only muse I have is myself Better make it great.  Better be proud. Us youth are so beautiful. We're just so beautiful. And everything we do is so beautiful. The way we eat our food is So beautiful.  Our confusion is so beautiful Our skin is fresh and soft Beautiful like moth wings Our voices are So beautiful.  The old don't understand it anymore. The old just can't understand it anymore. And that's so beautiful. That's just so beautiful. And god, I'm so beautiful.  We'll drive coast to coast On our way to San Junipero In a custom black jeep With fur seats of black sheep We'll break our bones And go home Offline, depressed, and alone. Distraction, a necessary function. I'm only sedated with online attention.  And I like that.    Soft like chewy blue pills Standing so still I thought you were roadkill Every universe you ever entered sparkled And every one you left became a dark age You are the Pax Romana of the new world flossing with harp strings While I just look at you standing still in the middle of nowhere with everyone and everything slipping past you. They don't know They don't see you. We squeeze lemons Till they juice Throw away the body of an exhausted fruit Add sugar And make lemonade I think, maybe enlightened: How many artists and poets killed themselves yesterday? I'm up in the Woods. I'm down on my mind. I'm building a still. To slow down the time. -Bon Iver I wanted you to love me. But I can't even love myself.. None of this ever seems to work out..
10/27/2017 12:23am
I can't help but remember us at
fifteen and seventeen. And you
So magically in love with me. Every
Night, I thought about those conversations of
Sex and religion.
I told you the devil was
The most relatable character in the
bible. And you agreed thoughtfully saying,
"I like how you put that. I never thought of
it that way, but it's true."
I think. I can't fully remember. That
was nearly five years ago.
Having nothing to say is completely okay.
Today wasn't bad.
Learned about Blade Runner
Robots
Satanism and its beliefs
Life is Strange stuff
And read/made a bit of poems.
Life wasn't bad today.
Living in the moment is best
Scary because time flies that way
But that should be reassuring
There's a light at the end of this
Tunnel.
Should stop skipping class...
Finding out that math is actually kind of fun
(Crazy)
Happiness, Love, and God have nothing to do with it.
It's the pursuit of happiness
Falling in love
And the search for understanding
That surrounds life and
maybe its purpose too.
One more thing:
I love you.
Night, loser.
10/29/2017 1:38am
I don't know really what to write
I've been thinking of life
In such a fresh way too
It's kind of exciting
Liberating too.
Two beginnings;
The beginning of something more
And beginning to an end
Live life like you've already been reincarnated?
I've read more Anton Levey satanism
I listened to some music.
As usual.
Starting to not like Dashie anymore.
Surprising.
I'm starting to see hope in myself
I'm starting to believe that life is meant
to be lived right now
Not later or for tomorrow.
It's a special feeling
Liberation from self
Like snipping a dying leaf
from a suffering venus flytrap
It hurts to change
But only in the very beginning.
When one really goes for it,
it seems to get better and easier with
time. I like this, I think.
It feels right.
As I told Aidan,
I've felt so stranded in life.
So alone with rescue seeming hopeless.
Yet, suddenly, the light shone.
The clouds parted
And a helicopter with a swinging ladder
tumbled through to the ground. And I
took hold and now
I'm climbing up.
The height doesn't even scare me.
The what next doesn't even matter.
Anything can happen
No one's completely immune
But I do think one can be safer
Fate seems to have favourites
Those who follow their hearts?
I'm not sure but
my stomach beams with reassurance.
I think listening to the heart
will guide me out of the wilderness
of my mind that I found myself
so hopelessly lost in like
those two hikers who killed themselves
in California.
I won't get stuck and hopeless like them.
No.
I want to keep going
Living is a one time thing
No rehearsals
I should do it my way
Kind of like how Lasha said.
Do things for only myself
Be kind only through my own desire
Which can be manipulated, yeah but
just being both careful and curious.
I can do both I'm learning.

But I'll make it.
I trust my stomach.
I trust fate.
I trust myself.
Just one day at a time.
It's only 24 hours
and I'm asleep for most of them.
Heh.
I feel pretty right now too by the way
I feel..
Desirable.
I feel..
in control.
I feel like..
There's potential in me.
I'm interested in wearing more dresses
particularly maxi dresses like
my tyedye one and light blue button up ones.
I like dresses a lot.
Very freeing. Very simple.
I have a choker on.
One I bought early in the year
Like around high school graduation, I think.
It's not bad.
Organized my room a bit.
Found some bubbles from New York.
Blew a few.
All my paperwork is on the floor by my desk.
I decided to toss it all.
I'll sort through it
just not now.
I like red lipstick.
I like glossy lips.
I like neat eyebrows and
long black hair with curly ends.
I like it.
I'm liking this a lot.
I don't even miss family the same
I don't know..
I want to feel bad, and some of me
still does. But, I'm adapting maybe.
Had weird dreams.
As always.
Wrote more poetry
As I tend to.
Thought about my life.
Nothing completely new.
But this is all new for me
Like, a new section of myself
or a new weather system of the same
environment explored.
It's all the same but the way I think and act
towards it is completely new.
And it's cool.
Something else before I go
I've thought of him again.
Weird dreams about him.
Sometimes he feels like a dream.
Like I made him up.
I feel like Laura Palmer
He haunts me like BOB.
Maybe I'm just acting out
But his affect, I think, is
long-term. I think he won't disappear.

I think so fondly of our past conversations
So sweet to me
In a natural way.
Naturally sweet;
The best kind of sweet.
We never said it outright
we just felt things
and danced around those feelings
I think he understood me
and I think I understood him
at least in those moments together.
It's beautiful to think actually,
What if we end up communicating again
years and years later..
How funny would it be that we both end up
very similar.
If not, very compatible still.
He was a stranger
which made him a great friend
But I think this is best.
To not be with him
Maybe this alone time is what I needed.
In pure desperation in the midst
of foggy depression, very foggy
it was either crack or boil.
And I boiled under pressure
Boiling under pressure
Hoping I become something beautiful.
10/31/2017 11:35pm
Life feels okay.
Living in the moment feels a bit scary.
My skin feels different.
Can't explain that now.
Will try later.
I don't feel urgency much anymore.
In the back of my mind,
that seems bad.
Life zips by in a flash
Then it's lost forever.
I get the gift to breathe
knowing one day that gift will need
to be given back.
or maybe away to someone I love.
Children...
Is that why they're born?
To continue on a life that never really got to end(?)
I hope I don't sound pretentious.
I don't feel pretentious.
I register in about 7 hours.
Spring semester 2018.
Mm.
I'll be taking as follows:
Calculus 2, Physics 1 with lab, computer science 1, and
painting.
I've been eyeing that class for months now.
Need some sort of release.
Diaries and journal art are not enough.

I'm a bit panicked, honestly.

That's good; that means a weakness is present.
But bad; I now have to handle that.
And all the water damage.
It's not too serious, feeling like this
it's new for me not to be in control.
Isolated and out of control, hm.
Those aren't necessarily bad things.
It feels good.
In a terrible way.
So alone and so lost.
But it's peaceful.
It's peaceful.
And that's new for me.
I check his page every night.
Sometimes in the morning too.

We didn't really have a whole lot
Some good sexual energy
A lot of hot conversation
About life and thoughts that we really
couldn't express to many people, I guess.
I still play his bands.

Not that.

Hm, those bands are my bands now.
Bon Iver.. Mine.
Yeah, I creeped and found out about the band
after googling the lyrics from his IMVU page.
But I liked it for myself too.
Weird way to find music, but I'm not
complaining at all.
I have a Bon Iver poster in my room
black and white as I type
hanging on my wall by my other posters.
But anyway,
Aidan. Yeah, he's
something.
And every day, I think less and less of him..
And he becomes this
relic to me.
He was already in the past by the way.
I don't hate him.
I think of him when
I think of a really funny idea
that actually makes me laugh out loud.
Of course, in public spaces.
I think of a really clever line
I think of a fantasy where I tell him this
clever line and he laughs or remarks.
All my fantasies center around impressing him.
Or just being with him.

It feels like someone dumped water on our campsite
or my campsite
(He's the woods?)
And that wet smoky wood is
how I feel about him.
Still warm
but now wet.
And soft.
Rotting?
Rotting feels like the wrong word.
But maybe one day, it'll come to that.
Like with all the others.
Aidan's the only one from the past
I think this way about.
Alek is.. gone.
Matthew hurts, but I think about him too a little.
He'd be the perfect satanist.
Handsome fellow.
I can understand why he wouldn't want me.
Shocking how quick he just disgarded me
like literally trash.
Very blunt and sudden.
Shocked me so much
I felt absolutely nothing.
Then anger and embarressment set in.
But I don't feel like typing about that.
The past is gone. He's gone.
I'm older and trying to
figure out what I want to do before I
die or something.
Feel alone, but that's okay.
One day at a time is my rhyme.
Can't go in the future, can't
reset the past.
Just have to go one day at a time
And when it gets hard,
because it always does
I just need to hang in there for one minute.
Then one hour.
And after one hour, I only have 23 more to go.
And I'm asleep for some.
Yeah..
Aidan is still camping out in my head.
I think about him before bed.
Wonder how it would be
if we ever met.
Some people I just have to let go..
And if it was meant to be
What then?
Then, they'll return.
For now,
I'm trying to focus on myself more.
Speaking less feels better.
I feel high though.
I feel like my thoughts have lost quality.
Ugh.
No order, just chaos.
But I have the time to reorder myself.
I've been dropped in the middle of the ocean
and finding myself
trying to swim in all directions.
I just need to relax.
One day, I'll all be over.
I want to live my life
like I already got my second chance.
Reincarnated/Ressurected,
I can't choose which word.
What's so nice is too
is that I don't feel so afraid anymore.
At least in my own skin.
Felt like I constantly had to hide
Wanted to be a ghost
to disappear
but my body wouldn't let me.
Felt shame.
Felt like a misplaced sock
in someone else's laundy.
Not belonging anywhere.
But when I'm living this way,
I don't feel so scared.
It's still there, that fear.
But it doesn't hurt me so much.
Bites maybe.
Like i've caged it and tamed it.
No more feeling like everyone's
inconvenience.
I've also felt like I
should balance this out. I don't
want to suddenly become obnoxious.
I don't want to float through life.

I still aim to be deliberate and efficient.
I'm learning.
For now, I'm learning.
Therapy tomorrow at 10am.
I don't know what to say to him.
I can tell him more about my story.
Hope he doesn't push me to group therapy.
I get the feeling he might try.
I'll see.

Today went okay.
I felt the decline again.
But I don't think I fell too hard.
Unlike all the other times.
But it hurts.
It hurts, the reminder of how alone I am.
Hurts. Hurts.
I took my calculus test this morning.
I'm not sure what I got;
I don't even want to give an estimate.
I just hope I got 100 points.

I've been wondering about engineering.
I don't want to do that anymore.
I don't.
I don't care about physics.

Chemistry is boring.
Lab was fun though.
Kind of, at least when I understood what was going on.
Engineering isn't my calling.
I'm going to switch to
a multidiscplinary degree.
I plan to combine information science
and engineering management.
I don't want to be miserable at Truman.
I want to work on art, my writing,
cognitive science, philosophy, psychologu,
and programming.
I feel strongly about this
in a nauseating way.
I'm terrified but relieved.
I dropped my physics class for spring
for a creative writing class.
I feel happy.
Wow, yes.
That makes me happy.
I just spent the last
3 hours working on my schedule
for this idea. Picking the right classes
making sure it can still be completed in two years
mapping out the courses to take at Truman too.
So
Next semester I want to take as follows:
Calc 2, Computer Science, Painting,
and Creative Writing.
Just looking at creative writing excites me.
I better be careful not to
overhype myself for this.
It's just freeing, I suppose.
Very freeing.
But I still feel doubt.
But throwing care to the wind
seems to be my motto lately.

Like a nihilist,
The meaning of life seems to be
imaginary like nothing.

It doesn't matter.
I know I shouldn't be feeling this pain
especially during college years.
I should enjoy. Be challenged, yes
but enjoy this nonetheless.
I didn't really go to class.
i was locked out of my dorm since
I lost my key at my career center meeting
yesterday.
I emailed her, "Brandi,"
And she said they found it and had it waiting for me.
I went by after my test, got it, and
hung out at the library for a few hours
reviewing information science and engineering management.
I think:
Remember when I wanted to pursue art at one point?
That's so funny.
Yet also so scary.
Yes, I brushed it aside eventually
But what if this is just another spring of the moment idea?
What if I regret this decision?
What if I find both engineering management
and information science boring?
What if I lose scholarships since I'm not doing engineering anymore?
What if I can't find a job after graduation?
Would I be able to even graduate on time?
I don't know the answers.
I'm scared
but not panicked.
There's a sense of calm washing over me.
Yes, these doubts and fears are legitimate.
But..
It'll be okay.
I know it will because
my stomach says so.
Everything works out when you do what feels right.
And even through the twisting of my stomach
this too feels like it's right for me.
I've been rebelling against fate.
Ignoring my responsibilities
But everyone should stop and reflect
sometimes.
This lapse though,
it wasn't in vain.
I think it's like I've
been hurt, so I'm stopped.
I'm assessing my injuries
I'm slowing down to listen to myself.
And myself is in agnony.
Physically too;
I have a consistent pain in my lower left hip.
I really need to make that appointment.

Oversleeping and not eating right
is making it worse.
Can't keep hiding in this prison.

So I'm changing it.
And that's the point of stopping.
To change before you've gone too far off.
Okay.

Whatever.

I'm tired.
Goodnight.
People are afraid to love.
Or maybe they just can't.
Love it when their heads turn when I speak.
I seem to have two opposite personalities.
One's chill and innocent.
The other, alert and ruthless.
11-5-2017 10:12pm
It fills me
with such hot air
when I find out that he posts something new.
And he has.
Here's a quick link to his Tumblr
His Blog
How cute, huh?
Yeah. It's sweet.
Spying on him like this
may seem creepy
but I don't feel like a creep.
Not at all.
I feel good when I see that.
A junkie's high.
I hope he continues to write.
I miss hi-no.
I don't know.
I think of him, yes.
I reflect on him endearingly.
I know he'll be okay.
I gave him my email just in case.
But I doubt he'll pursue me.
Uhmm
I haven't checked that email.
....
One moment.
Nothing.
Nothing at all in fact.
Aidan's gone.
But still a sweet memory.
The others are so bitter.
One day, maybe he'll be bitter to me.
When I find someone new.
..
The country is falling apart.
So many mass shootings.
So much craziness and insanity.
The idea that life can end in an instant
is so real, so validated.
Hate the news.
Can't safely check Yahoo without
it appearing on the first page though.
Maybe I can disable it?
I'd have to sort through online solutions.
Not now.
I want to talk about other things.
My fall from happiness was not too harsh.
I survived.
I'm still down in the dumps.
But like bug spray
I pulled out my trusty ideology
to repel the evil forces of my mind.
It's relieving to call them what they really are.
Evil.
They hurt me.
Yes, everything posesses new understandings.
But some things yield nothing but
dead ends and more pain.
I don't want that anymore.

Nothing will come out of this
self-inflicted torture.
Torture I put myself through.
No one else does this to me more
than myself.
I need to fight this inner evil.
Sometimes I can't even trust that side.
Not everything about myself
wants me to win.
There's an inner universal desire
for man to hurt themselves.

I can't give in.
The pain is too much.
The reward is useless misery.

I'm done with being so hurt and alone.
Maybe loneliness will take some time
to resolve, but this cracking hurt
can be helped.
Yes. There's potential here.
In me.
The ideology that comes to my rescue
during these deep dark times
is when I put myself first
I treat myself with care
I live life with the attitude
of a comfortable and daring
INDIVIDUALIST
Heh.
I don't write in all caps.
Another example of pointless
self-restraint.
No more. No more.
My mother rules do not apply.
I don't have to only survive anymore.
I don't have to put the ideas of others
and the feelings of others
and their situations first anymore.
I'm alone now.
The only one in my mind is me.
Right?
I get so pumped up
only to fall so hard.
And that scares me.
I regret old statements.
I regret old actions.

When I'm angry, I find my past kindess to be wasted.
When I'm happy, I'm inspired to help others.
I don't know.
Feels like I'm being pulled in all directions
I don't know which self to obey.
I may just rip apart completely.
I don't know.
I feel fear.
I feel unsure.
But somehow,
I feel empowered sometimes too.
Like, when I listen to loud music
walking on the sidewalk passing strangers.
Their weird looks or no looks at all
they don't bother me so much.

I feel out of place here though.
Still DEEPLY hate having a roommmate.

Even in this room
I feel a bit more liberty
by removing these self-imposed rules
about the "right" conduct to assume
when she's here.
when anyone's here.
and my personality feels so constipated.
I need to express myself.
But, it's hard.
Hm.
I think in painting and creative writing
I'll have that chance.
Yeah..
Reading his posts fills me with this
hope that christians must feel
when they go to church.
It's like seeing a plane in the distance
when you're stranded on an island of yourself.
I don't wave for rescue anymore.
I just admire that.

Sorry.
Goodnight.
11/9/2017 9:54pm
I just finished crying about
ten minutes ago.
Felt..
I don't know.
Afraid of the unknown
Want to make sense
but find myself not making any.
and as a pun, I'm broke too.
I guess crying is good.
Been feeling so trapped in myself.
So trapped.
Like an illiterate person
lost in a world of words
I don't understand.
I feel so alone.
I can't stress it enough.
My support system is myself.
And it's rocky.
The same nightmare
Huh..
Went to that first-gen student dinner
yesterday. Food wasn't bad.
I came for a free meal.
So I could start saving up my
meal points to save food for
thanksgiving break
since I'll be staying on campus.
And I learned that the dining halls are closed.
So, need to save some extra stuff
like apples.
like microwave meals.
I'm a real college student now.
So, the dinner wasn't bad.
Of course,
high school scence of
"loner girl sits alone and group of
preppy girls tell her she can sit with them."
I went ahead.
Didn't say much to them
I don't remember saying much at all.
Then, we got a table leader.
An academic advisor
and an unexpected guest.
the president of the university herself.
Right next to me on my left.

They seemed patient though.
I started opening up at those two
were kind and seemed genuine.
They asked us how it felt to a
first generation college student.
We went around the table.
Girls said their peice.
I mentioned the lack of diversity
and trying to find somewhere to fit into.
Then, they asked what are some ways
we can all fix wanting to belong.
And the girls said that
a person needs to get out and just make friends
and not stay to themselves.
And make an effort because it's on them.
When it came to me, I just said, "Nothing."
I shut down.
I didn't want to connect anymore.
I heard enough and felt my cue.
I was an inconvenience for the whole table.

I know they were saying that indirectly to me.

No one gets it..
I didn't let the above ruin me.
I just continued on.
I stopped going to math class.
We have a quiz over two chapters
Probably will fail that.
I want to laugh to relieve the melancholy.
But no laugh fits here.
That's probably just out of old habits
Noticing how depressing I come off
to others
and learning to curve it somewhere else.
Back in my head.

I don't want to try anymore.
Wasn't doing any doing in that class.
Just a bunch of trying..
Some crying
Deep sigh.
Feel so alone.
Everyday's the same day
and I know, I need to stop whining
just change it for the better.
Reinvent myself.
I'm trying.
This is the first time
I've really been like this.
Hmm, in high school, at least 9th grade
I didn't care either.

I mean, I had fun sometimes too then.
But was still very apathetic.

Understanding terrorists and school shooters
Maybe they just want to be heard?
For once?
yeah.
I get that completely.
Checked his stuff.
He posted something else.
He linked his tumblr on IMVU too.
Who knows, Aidan may become a published author/poet.
And I'm here crying over him.

I feel hated by people.
No respect. Like a disgusting bug on the wall
Everyone trying to mash me.
I don't know..
People might think I'm paranoid.
But I feel it.
That I'm annoying
my opinions are unwanted and attacked.
I'm not in the inside group.
I'm the outsider with bug legs.
That Kafka guy. Yes, like Metamorphis.
If that's how you spell it.
Probably not.
Don't care about anything.
Just trying to get out of this
alive. Trying to survive this.
That's all.
Live Through this,
that's all.
Cried so hard, I made sound.
Weeping moans.
Then I started laughing
I don't know why.
Short circuit?
I don't know why.
It felt weird.
no more words.
WE'RE CLOSED
COME BACK SOME OTHER TIME
Oh wait.
Let me tell you.
In bed last night, I was just laying there.
And suddenly I got the idea for the cover
for Happy Normal.
It's beautiful.
Really beautiful.
I sketched it on my tablet.
Maybe I can post it here.
It's beautiful.
It's perfect.
11/11/2017 11:12pm
Here I am.
Drifting in space.
Listening to Lana Del Rey's
"Fine China."

I read some of my old journals.
The blue one with gold designs
and the gold one with a bunch of colours.
It was nice.
Younger me is still like current me.
So real, she's so real.
She existed once.
A nice echo of myself.
Experiencing pain and confusion
Loneliness and despair.
Weird dreams and exciting things too.

I don't know what I want anymore.
I'm considering a multidisciplinary degree now.
Engineering management and information science and technology.
Don't know what I'll do with that.
I just want to write, be involved in game dev, and
work on projects that impart meaning to me.
even if that meaning is extrinic in the end.
The end.. that's why I'm listening to this song.
I read it one of my journals.
Younger me liked this song too.
Makes me think:
I'll die only when I have
fine china and fresh linen.
and most of my dresses have tags still in them.
whites horses and ivory almonds.
Mm. These things, materials sure
but they have meaning to me
secretly because I did it to prove a point.
To myself that I can achieve what I want.
Despite all this temporary sadness and defeat.
despite wanting to drop out nearly every second.
That sadness is there to prove a point
That we all control this reality
I'm gonna die anyway, right?
might as well be free.
even if it's just a feeling in the moment.
Those moments matter. They make all the differnce.
I don't want to be sad anymore.
All emotions are like biological symptoms
something's wrong or something's right.
So, sadness is like hunger
It wants us to seek something fufilling.
When I went down to the radio club
I felt a taste of fufillment
I went outside in the cold, my enemy
and walked to the station in the dark.
no technology, just curriculum sheets for the
multidisciplinary program.
Felt good, I think.
Nothing special though.
But everytime I go in, I
love to just sit there in the music
with no one around
and when I take on-air breaks
I like to experiment with my delivery
or choose the ads I'll say.
Or just rock my head otherwise.
That on its own feels good.
Today, I spoke to someone just a little
Named Colton
Him and one of the heads were going to cut in early
for my show to set up a broadcast.
I didn't mind. They were chill.
And I didn't feel bad for not trying to be cool
and considerate.
I just responded in the moment
acted in the moment
and it's a simple experience
but all the memorable things are.
And I like that memory.
Highlight of my week?
Pathetic really, but I'm okay with that.
No need in being safe, older me.
No need in that.
I need to listen to my mental state
and act accordingly.
I've been feeling a lingering depression
like the flu, just over my head all day like a
rain cloud.
And I'm just taking it.
But no more.
I've locked myself into a closet
of pure ignorance
by rejecting everything, every possible solution.
No more of that.
No more judging things before I actually try it
Or I may find my foot in my mouth.
I can live in the moment
but that doesn't require participation
for the sake of knowing I did.
Some of the best things are experienced silently.
Nothing forced.
Organic, you know.
Like at the radio station.
Imperfect moments feel sometimes just right.
The world isn't empty.
I feel so ignorant.
Like a know-it-all, I think I've seen it all.
But no, I haven't even entered it yet.
Not a big taste either
A little lick, that's all.
Touching my tongue to it
and sliding down.
Falling off the surface of something so massive.
By my own will of ignorance.
I don't need to be just right.
But that doesn't mean I shouldn't present
what I think is my best.
No more hiding
And no more careless mistakes either.
Carefree and poise, they can exist as one
force for freedom.

Just do what feels right, logically and emotionally.
And no more caring about what others think.
It's weird,
I have no friends, literally, and I still care about
the opinions of random strangers.
Those fuckers probably don't even notice me.
So, I should explore this
Be free and non-judegemental of anything or anyone
Including me.
All these things are so poetic.
It seems like it makes sense.
But I know I'll fail.
I don't say that cynically.
But I know me.
It takes a while for something to stick.
These are big changes.
But I know they're doable.
And I know they're necessary.
'Cause I'm rotting away now.
have to bring up my game now.

I can't give up.
I can't just stop.
It's hard.
With this ritual, I will write about him too.
Aidan still exists in the
ocean of my mind.
But he's floating away
Don't reach out for him either
Just watch him go farther and farther
in awe maybe. I don't know.
I check his Tumblr.
As always, wonderful.
He's wonderful.
I love his writing.
They always fill me something new.
Like being brought back to life
with the shock of a defibrillator.
It's nice
having him as a memory.
There's so many people in this world
7.4 billion
People like him,
And people like me
exist.
He's not the only wonderful thing about life.
And as he drifts out of sight,
that seems more true.
There's more to this life than worrying
and stressing and regretting
and wondering and hoping.
I'm not chasing rainbows anymore.
They don't exist.
It's time look at myself
And take a more stable direction
instead of being frozen in indecision
waiting for a helping hand.
That fantasy is burning
And I can't do anything.
That's okay.
I'm not expected to be a wise superhero.
Every sage was once a fool
Otherwise their wisdom is somewhat lacking
of a certain substance obtained
by actively living life and really learning.
I don't have to get burned to know
the dangers of fire
Other people can do that for me.
But I should get close
To at least get a sense of it.
I need more experiences.
Do you want me to write more, older me?
Because I can.
Part of me wants to stop
Part of me wants to keep going.
Maybe that's why I'm so still.

Go to class or sleep in?
Go out with friends I found
Or neglect them?
Message her back?
Or leave her be?
Going through an ignorant rebuttle
from both sides that end in me
doing nothing or taking the easier way out.
I'm not brave.
I'm lazy.  I'm fat.

It's hard.
But it's not hard to email someone back
or go for a walk even when it's 40 degrees outside.

They try a lot more than me.
I don't have the right to be sad so much.
I don't.
I may not have family, but that was my decision to cut them.
I may not have friends, but I don't go out and make them.
I may have low self-esteem, but I overeat.
And I don't excersize.

I downloaded Unity
I've downloded Unreal Engine 4
I have a Choose Your Story account
but I don't go on Youtube to learn how
to use them.
Because I'm afraid of failture
when all I do is preach about how failure is
not something to fear at all.
But I fear it.
I fear it.
I hate being alone.

I can change this.
Instead of always doing literally nothing
waking up and experiencing the same day
over and over
listening to the same songs
and the same Youtube videos.
Thinking of the same movies
and old books
NO
I can change this.
Otherwise, the only person who gave up on me
not momma, not the tlp, not familly, not henry,
not aidan or james, or alek, or matthew,
not talaiha, not michael
not my dad
but me.
I'm giving up on myself here.
My younger self would be ashamed
By my total appearance
my mental image of pure laziness
and my physical image of lack of control
when I stuff myself to the point of aching.
No more, H__
no more. Please.
I can't keep doing this.
I'm married to myself
And I can't break my vows.
So, all I can do is change.
Please change. PLEASE.
I'm done.
I'll see what happens next week.
"You said you'd love me
like no tomorrow
I guess tomorrow never came."
All the saints I killed
whispered in my ear poetry
and ascended.
"This is my commitement.
My modern manifesto."
"Sometimes, it feels like
I've got a war in my mind
I want to get off
but I keep riding the ride."
10:39pm 11/16/2017
"I'll be honest,
I wasn't devastated.
But you could've
held my hand through this, baby.

I run my hands though what's left,
But we're getting older, baby
Don't have much longer, baby
Why am I preaching
to this choir
to this atheist?
It's like my
versions of these
belong to you.
After a while,
they're keeping me
close to you."
11/20/2017 12:55am
"When the mako flies
Up from the bottom of your eyes
Then I know the Twilight skies
are not so broken-hearted."
Sing yourself (juice)
out of depression;
Rise above.
Always searching
if I know your heart
Electric is the love."
"Super Fast
Super Fast
I come in last
but just in time for breakfast
Keep it sweet
Keep it sweet
Forever blue
The night, the night presents us
Aluminum
I crush for fun
aluminum
The sea is radioactive,
The sea is radioactive."
"Let the music in tonight
Just turn on the music
Let the music of your life
Give life back to music"
"One thousand lonely stars
hiding in the cold
Take it,
I don't want to sing anymore.
11/22/2017 12:06am
I've been laying here thinking
of all sorts of things.
It's Thanksgiving break.
The Halls feel like literal ghost towns.
So silent as I peruse through.
A bit creepy, a bit nice.
I try not to think too much about this.
I went and got Chinese earlier in the afternoon.
Wore my wig and red lipstick from Dollar General.
Felt a bit beautiful.
I woke up so late. I've been waking up
so late lately.
I'm doing weird things.
Like sleeping on the floor
in the middle of my dorm room.
Just for the sake of doing something differently.
Just for the sake of not experiencing the same
day over and over again with very slight
differences, like what YouTube video I watch
what time I shower
what clothes do I wear.
It's mundane
But not in a negative way.
Deep sigh.
It's like a slice of life story.
Starring me, the girl of the century.
Me alone with my thoughts and duties.
like math homework.
I got my appeal denied.
I guess I'm getting an F now.
I don't even care though.
I do. But it pisses me off to such a deafening point.
I feel calm.
I like this alone time.
I'm still frightened
but I started talking to myself.
Like, out loud.
It feels... nice.
No one to share these thoughts with.
These randomly erupting thoughts.
I have literally no friends.
She emailed me back.
Strange how at first,
my stomach twisted into a pretzel
now, I feel so little about it
with traces of guilt.
Sorry ___.
I don't know what's happening to me.
I feel like I'm bursting out of a caccoon
Like I'm a slave about to run away
And I'm so close to escaping
It feels so good
I can't look back now.
It'll sabotage everything.
I feel like I'm doing that myself though
Like I'm sabotaging my future.
Momma told me in the car
as she drove me to greyhound
we had parked at QuikTrip?
She told met that one day I'll find myself all alone.
No one will help me.
No one may want to.
I listened silently but broke down in tears.
I can't say why.
But it just happened.
And that was before dad too.
Dad threw me out.
I don't feel very wanted by my family.
I know they love me.
But they don't really know me?
I'm trying to know who I am
Who I actually am
independently.
I can't have anyone around anymore.
Everyone just gets in the way.
That's why I'm doing this.
I need to walk on my own two legs now.
I depended on people too much.
I feel like if
I can pull through this,
I have finally broken past
my need for validation from others.
And have replaced that need with the need
to love myself as I learn myself all by myself.
I had a nightmare of Halina.
He found us again, but he wanted her specifically.
I kept hiding her in obscure places
like in the trunk of a car
or a trailer bathroom of a grandmother of theirs.
I would make up stories to get him to leave
and we'd escape again.
I woke up very frightened.
I'm scared for them.
I'm so scared for them.
I couldn't handle anything bad happening to them
especially since I basically abandoned them.
I feel so bad.
I just want to reach for my tablet
And let them know how much I love them.
How much I miss them.
But it's a pattern of mine.
I get like this.
I get so worried, I jump back into their mess.
And I feel unwanted by them or used for money.
I don't know anymore..
I don't know what to do.
I read their local news
to check for any crimes in their area.
It fills me with guilt and fear.
I can't wait until he's dead
then maybe I'll have peace for once.
God.
God...
The world is crazy
And I'm all alone.
All the open doors lead me to pain and repression
All the doors I want to go through are locked.
The only door I have maybe is
one into myself.
And if I can unlock that one
It'll be my master key for my future.
I just need to pull through.
Yeah..
I can do that.
All alone.
So alone.
But now the depression sometimes misses me when it swings.
I got better at ducking.
Feel myself getting stuck down here though.
Getting comfortable as a victim.
Don't like that.
This has been a rough semester, damn it.
Broke and failing my classes.
Pissed off and restless.
So restless.
But I have these cuffs of fear
That I feel were placed by my past.
That's why I need to be alone.
The key will appear from within
at some point.
if I just shut up and listen.
If I take ownership for my current situation
and the direction I'm headed.
I can steer myself out of this mess.
I need to act fast.
I need to get used to acting on my own commands.
I'm so used to thinking but not enough doing.

Emotional, physical, spiritual too I guess.
Just got to do.
Something, anything.

Because I am getting accepted into UTS.

One more thing.
I went a whole day without looking for him.
Aidan.. he's exiting.
He's taking his exit.
It's been a month surprisingly.
But he's finally leaving.
I still thought of him throughout the day.
I fantasize about things I'd say if we were in a group chat together.
I think about him. I think about Des too.
I think about family.
All these people.
I'm nostalgic and I miss everyone.
I wish I had some love.
But love isn't contained in mere words, h.
Love is animated.
I can love myself
when I put on makeup in the morning and do my eyebrows
when I clean my bed so I can sleep more comfortably
when I download a good song for me to listen to
when the internet is down.
I can love myself by showing myself.
Aidan could never do that, he was an online friend.

Even when I go to Australia,
we're most likely not going to meet.
As much as I'd like to.
To know who he really is,.
That's one of my dreams, I guess.
Miss that boy.
Miss his kind words and his personality.
Miss him.
But I need to bury him like he buried me.
And move on like I am with family
for the same reasons.
Deep Sigh.
I'm going to check his site.
..He posted something about breaking bad.
Don't know what it means.
Won't pretend I do.
He's a different person now.
I loved him when he was 17.
And maybe that's mostly it.
...
I don't want to end this note on him.

I don't say that angrily.
It's sad really.
I know that I'm an individual
and no one will ever connect to me.
That I need to learn how to take care of myself.
Let me repeat to show how important that line is:
That I need to learn how to take care of myself.
I have to build myself.
For more money
for more freedom.
I can't make any promises, older me.
I'll only disappoint you.
And you know that.
But I believe in you
Just like the girl earlier this year
who wrote on the last page of a journal
how scared she was of changing
but how much she still believed in herself
to do the right thing
to do right by herself
in a world of mirrors
that distort you
and break you
but the reflection is still the same after all.
I trust you, older me.
I trust that even during this wild furlough
of intense solitude
that you and I will pull through.
I believe in myself.
I believe in myself, I do.
Even though other people don't seem to get me
I can keep on.
And I can get me.
At least most of me.
And when I'm free,
I won't need their validation.
They'll admire me. I'll have fun with them.
And I'll move on to elsewhere
Because I'm free.
I'm not free in college right now.
I'm in prison. I'm melancholic.
I'm on the verge of giving up completely
passively.
But if I can drag myself to the finish line
I can do anything that comes next.
Even if I fail,
I still love and want to understand myself.
This is a vow, h.
I promise to love you unconditionally
like dad and aidan couldn't.
That no matter how hard I fall,
no matter how stupid and beat I feel and probably am,
I'll get up and do it again differently.
Try a new approach.
But I won't stay down and blame the world.
I don't know where to start exactly.
There's no manual for living my life.
I have to create one from scratch
as a life story.
And I'm doing that now.
With this thing.
God..
This is.. scary.
I need all the faith I have.
But I know I can do it.
No one can be me better than me, right?
Right.
So, I need to teach myself.
I need to stop distracting myself with food
and with the internet.
I need to learn and read more.
And pop the bubble I'm hiding in.
Just a little bit at a time though.

I'll get sad again.
But read these words, h.
I swear I believe I can make it to my dreams.

Please keep pushing.

Okay?
Good night. (I'm smirking.)
About 15 minutes later
Oh yeah,
I'm taking a theatre class now next semester.
Makes me happy just to type that.
11/25/2017 12:12am
I read his blog again.
Something about coca cola and suicide.
I guess it's summer over there.
It's been a full month
Felt so much longer than that though.
Been feeling like it's been forever
Since I last messaged him.
Hey, he didn't message me back either.
Asked for one reply before I went off.
No reply.
And I went on a rampage
fueled by his rejection.
I'm so cold and alone
Icy cold sensations in my stomach
Like I'm supposed to be feeling something
that isn't there.

Hmm..
You know, he's building a fan base.
He's going to be well-known one day
Like an Indian beyonce who writes poetry
about suburbia, suicide, and random memories.
I've been trying to pull away.
I really have been trying to
focus only on myself.
So alone here..
The Halls will refill with students soon.
Probably sunday afternoon.
I heard some people coming in already Friday
I don't like that but I do?

I've been studying for calc 1 too, h.
You'd be proud.
I want to get that C.
I need to get a C to qualify for my full
second-year scholarship.
I don't know how this will work out.
I don't.. know.
I haven't spoken to another human being for so long.
No conversations. Only with the therapist.
Some conversations about ordering food
about choosing classes for next semester
etc.
Nothing real.
No messages, no holiday surprises.
It could make me sad but I don't cry about it.
I just sit here.
Watching youtube and listening to music
and stupidly fantasizing about him.
I hold onto anything of him.
Makes me sick.
Gives me this icy hot knotty anxiety.
Like how I felt about James
when Joanna would message me saying that
she was sleeping with him and she was having his kid.
I was only a kid back then myself.
James was my age now.
7 big years of a difference at least.
Needed some love
Found some by the dumpster
Desperate as always.
Surviving as always.
I still think of James too.
I wrote some poems
"You traded me in for a spot at the cool kids' table.
I sit alone now at the table of losers.
I still keep your seat warm.
I take turns switching seats just in case
you decide to come back to me.

Meanwhile, I think you started smoking weed and getting
frisked by sexual divas.

I'm chained to this table of losers.
My chains are stringed with pearls of optimism,
the optimism that one day, you'll take a break
and have lunch with me like old times.
I know I have to stop living in the past, old friend.
I know that regardless of if you come back or not,
your character has changed.
or was revealed.
or was completely killed off and replaced by a new actor.
I flance at the cool kids' club and try to see you,
but all I see is a blur of the same person.
I can't make you out as easily anymore.
If you ever come back, I know I'll feel bitter.
My lunch sandwich can no longer nullify the
taste of abandonment.
I, too, need to abandon this table of now one loser.
I can't keep waiting on you.
You're not even my friend anymore, old friend.
It's time to throw away my lunch,
wipe up all these old crumbs,
and unchain myself.
Maybe if I walk far away from you and your club,
I'll never think about you again.
But I know that's a lie.
I'll post some more some time later.
I wrote that this morning.
My mind was on him
As if he was sleeping right next to me.
I know I kee saying it,
but I'm so alone.
It's like chronic pain
The feeling will never go away.
But I can do something to distract myself.
I'm lost sometimes.
I know I need to get back up and keep moving.
But I've never been this alone ever in my life.
I literally have no one.
No one who gets it.
No one to hang out with.
No one to call.
No one at all.
I either fly or die..
And me looking at Aidan's blog,
just adds weights to my wings
but it gets me writing.
It adds fuel to my fire.
I think we always were that way with eachother.
It's like some sort of silent competition.
I always felt it.
But never brought it up.
It wasn't significant nor important.
..
So yeah.
I'm sad.
But not sad.
I'm numbed up
but I've been that way so it's nothing new.
Just get me through this semester, h.
This is pure terror.
Plus, the new year is approaching.
And that is my worst time of year
just naturally.
I'm too nostalgic.
I'm too sentimental.
I look back too much while walking forward
running and bumping into things.
Gotta stop that. Gotta.. stop that.
The old is the old.
But it's so intriguing to me.
I don't know why I can't stop analyzing it.
Stop, h.
Please.
I find myself begging myself more and more.
I know these bad habits hurt me.
I know I'm just wasting time.
I know I'm just trying to put off my responsibilities
and dreams.
But I'm learning something
When I finally start something new
it feels good.
I need to keep doing that.
Just start.
Just jump in.
I make up my excuses, I try to get out of doing this
but just doing it feels good.
Even if it's just math homework
or working on another scholarship
or watching a short film on youtube from Jesse
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WyDjXSLg88
just something new.
Baby steps into the unknown,
into the future and out the nest of the past.
Aidan is missing out on me.
I'm learning how to be beautiful
without anyone.
I'm learning how to have courage.
It's taking forever but I feel progress.
I'm losing weight too.
I'm down to 167llbs.
I want to be 165 by next week.
Don't have to accept my current situation.
Don't have to hide in shame.
I can be myself without that.
It's so new..
But it's good to learn this now
to practice this now
then to grow old like dad
and suddenly realize how much I missed out.
No, I don't want that.
I gotta do better.
I believe in myself.
Truth is:
Aidan abandoned me.
My family is unstable
I have no friends and I don't give people a chance anymore.
I don't understand intimacy.
I'm ignorant, I'm naive of reality and how the world works.
But I have grit. I have good strategy.
Lots of ideas, a lot of them don't live though.

I gotta push you out.
I can't do it lightly either.

No one checks up.
No one supports.
She emails me but I don't feel so strong to her.
Out ship is leaking?
and instead of being so hopeful
I need to learn when to abort.
And I'm doing that.
I'm aborting this life of mine.
I'm running away from the things that hurt me
confuse and manipulate me
misunderstand me
use me and abandon me
They already left me though.
I'm just now accepting it for myself..
I feel like New York is calling me.
I feel like I'll visit somewhere else.
I'm stuck in this small city.
No cars.

There's an adventure calling me.
I feel it like a baby in my belly.
It's growing and as I grow older,
the reality will happen and the opportunity will appear.
I just need to prepare for it now.
Take up this time to prepare.
I feel it..
I'm getting out of here
I'm living in the name of myself..
And I'll remember me during these times.
I'll remember these people who gave up on me.
And the people who understood me.
I don't owe anyone but myself.
No one gets a peice
I'm in incubation
it's cold, I'm alone, I'm lonely
I'm scared, I'm sad, I feel trapped.
I'm a baby, so vulnerable and ugly.
But watch this baby bloom.
Don't give up.

I don't want to be your friend.

Go.

I think of that..
They're saying that to me
And I'm so shocked and so naive
that tears drop past an open smile
and walk away slowly
trying to pretend that didn't happen
frozen on the inside
It's so common, the rejection
that it leaves me feeling nothing.
it's as normal as the wind
Just accept what just happened and walk like nothing happened.
haha
hurts me but I have to get used to it.
Laugh it off
And accept that people
just.. I'm not wanted by anyone.
unless for sex or money.
Use me like candy and throw away my wrapper
dismissed and tossed.

He's cryptic
I'm clumsy like Courtney Love
dying to be a superstar
in his unwanted spotlight
I know he likes it.
but he never smiles"
"Trying to fill in the blanks to seem
resourceful
forcing unknowns out of the dark
so they can call me clever"
"Shaking my hips in the sun for ice cream
they sit back and laugh quietly at me
Let go of my hand when I start to cling
Sufforcate me when I want to breathe
Let me go when I want to leave
They don't care about me
but they all love him."
"Jealousy is just love and hate at the same time."
But I'm not jealous?
Everyone's home comes with fences but mine
I went out with a hammer and some nails
and some planks from my home
and I'm building this fake fence
that no one taught me to build
Forgive me if it falls apart and fails to
protect me. I'm brand new to
putting myself before others.
Sorry if I get a little hyper
hyperactive and filled with anger
I'm brand new to
putting myself first.
11/29/2017 11:08pm
I'm in my room
Probably going to stay on my laptop
until 1 maybe 2 in the morning.
My roommate wanted me to turn off
the video I was watching
of an interview of Ms. Pat, this woman
who wrote Rabbit.
Found it to be lovely as I watched it.
But of course, in the presence of others
all great things end.

But it's cool.
Just a few more weeks.

No new poems from me either then.
I feel so sick and so strange.
Can't place a name on this feeling
My laptop is messing up
I'm going to get off and work on some
important things.
School is not perfect.
I don't know how I will handle this calc test.
It's in two days.
I've been to tutoring all week.
I just feel caught in a daze
when I think about math.
Don't care about math.

Fuck.
Well, sorry.
I don't really have anything to say.
I bought some courses off Udemy
Just 5.
I regret them already
But it feels kind of sour sweet good.
I'm moving on and away
and into the unknown.
Everything will work out.
I just need to trust myself
as I navigate through the darkness.
I can do it.

So sick of getting back up
I just want to lay down in defeat
bask unapolegetically.
No more explainations.
Just brief simple exchanges
where I put my needs first
and make my thoughts a priority.
But for now, it's okay to be clueless.
One of the Udemy courses I bought is called
"How to Write a Book and become a REAL Best-selling Author"
After the LUA programming course, this is my fave.
On my current section, he shows us how to find
a niche on Amazon
to identify the market and competition.
So, I went on Amazon to the books section
and I found the Memoirs
and I digged deeper
And god, all those stories are so personal
and so moving.
How could I get people to care about my thoughts
in a world of 7.4 billion?
God.
That's how I really feel.
Astonished.
I feel inferior just reading their book description.
Doesn't mean I'm any less determined
to write my little book
I'm just like wow,
I have to really deliver.
I have to really bring something worthwhile.
But if I say what's on my mind
retain my values
market my vision sucessfully
Maybe I can get someone to read it.
If just one person benefits from my little book
Then I'm happy enough.
God..
This is a real thing. I'm really doing this.
I tingle anxiously
I write every day.
I wake up writing on blue notepads
I bought around the beginning of the semester.
In bed, I write in my tablet.
I stayed up so late that I slept until 11:30am today.
I didn't really mind.

I can't help but feel so privledged
to complain about a calculus class
when there are 12 year olds in Atlanta
being raped and forced to sell drugs
because their parents cannot provide for them.
And here I am,
comfortably complaining
about nearly everything and everyone.
It's humbling.

It's me, the terrible monster.
Gentle giant throwing her foot down
in the most subtle way.
Mm.
What else is there to do?
I could look at Biteable and Chooseyourstory.
I could review emails
I could listen to music just because.
I could review math problems.

I feel like I'm changing
Like I'm giving up.
It's calming, death maybe
Just want to let myself float
no more swimming
The pain of trying so hard
All my flaws rolled out like a blanket
on a blanket for the world to see
but I'm lying more.
I'm hiding more somehow at the same time.
Don't have much fight in me.
Don't have much concern.
Getting loose like I'm drunk
not that I get drunk.
Getting sloppy; missing important meetings
which is just something that pisses me off.
Also, I think I have a hernia.
Right below my abdomen.
The pain is searing like
I'm being lightly burned.
Someone sprinkles sugar in the cut.
Took Tylenol for these monster headaches
I honestly think I have meningitis
I think I have BV too.
I seem like a hypocondriac
but I don't go to the doctors because
I'm afraid of the bills.
I'm not insured right now, of course.
Still waiting for a hear back.
Feel like I'm dying.
My dreams are wild
they're wilder after I masturbate.
Hm.
I've been watching videos on Udemy about book publishing
I'm siked.
Psyched up
Not really, but I like that term.
I've added another mini project
Normally Unhappy or something.
Still figuring names
In its gist, it's just a book for Happy Normal.
Like, all the little things that don't fit
but are related.
Like my poems and thoughts.
Like my art and photos
And my song lists, etc.
I am excited for that book more
at the moment honestly.
That's kind of the goal for all this
to express myself through
all the shit I've dealt with
being online, living with dad, knowing Aidan.
And Aidan is the symbolic focus.
His departure inspired this all.
Way back he departed though
back when he was still with me
but absent still.
I blocked his blog and IMVU page
on my laptop but still check on my
phone. I really miss him.
I feel like his blog is my window.
To check up.
To make sure he hasn't died,
to make sure my muse hasn't died.
Die after I write the book.
I wrote some things about him.
Also, Doki Doki, h.

It's cool.
Already bookmarked the special poems.
There's a wiki for it.
I feel so dumb.
I don't bother trying
to be this perfect girl.
But I'm caught in between being
controversially intense and open
and lacking confidence and cleverness.
It's like the worst of both things
that could be great things.
Feel like puking. The pain in my lower
left side has been killing me.

Death: a black unreality.
I'll die and the lights will go out.
No heaven or hell,
just decay.
I'm so spread out
I'm trying to put myself together
but there never really was a self to begin with.
just a mosaic of mirrors
presenting a reflection I think people need/want to see.
to get ahead
to get their admiration
to get their sympathy
to get their help
that's all. I'm using them.
Discard them once they've served their purpose.
Gambled with fake money, so no losses.
But lately,
I've stopped giving a damn.
Saying whatever
so dopey and speaking fast
my words pile and topple
I'm so gross.
Motivated lightly by money
Yes. Money lifts me up like a leash.
Always happy when I have money.
My green drugs.
I don't smoke weed,
I buy posters on Redbubble
from bands like Tame Impala and Daft Punk
and great shows like Twin Peaks.

I'm lying too hard.
I'm hiding too hard.
I want to make friends.
My head is trying to kill me.

I'm ready.
Burst, Hernia.
Rush me to the hospital
when I'm unresponsive.
Pronounce me dead.
Throw me a funeral
forget me.
forget me.
Forget me.
like Taylor.
I just wrote that for the dramatic effect.
I'm such an artist
but I go to school for engineering?

None.
Not any.
My bed is where I think of Aidan.
I think of him so hard
All the things I'd say to him
as if he's actually in a chat with me on IMVU.
not responding,
just watching me try to impress him.
And Lasha comes in
or an old friend
or even my mom
and we talk so casually, 'cause
i'm so cool. I know everyone.
and Jai says something about my house
or wanting to go for a walk
and I decline
like a total badass.

And part of that is really true.
These thoughts are organic.
But I need an audience.
I'm always preforming.
I'm always trying to get it just right.
I aim for your approval
and miss the entire point.
I wait for your review.
Scoff.
I let you think it doesn't bother me.

I think of your mini pauses.

Do you hate me?
Is my mask made out of glass?
You see through me like
you're looking through an astronaut helmet.
I'm so predictable.
You give me second place out of pity.

I used to like the minimum
but baby, I can't live off the minimum.
I can't handle it.
I'm breaking apart.

I can't handle it.
I crack my knuckles and neck now
Makes me seem badass
but it's a real thing. I really do it
I don't want to explain
because that means i'd have to explain
everything to you. and fuck,
I hate doing that.
I'm so angry but I try to keep my balance.
Extremes aren't good, they unbalance a person.
Make them not able to move forward.
But I'm thinking now as i type,
maybe that's the point?
I have some stuff bothering me.
I need to lay down.

I might change my view.
who knows.
I need help.
but no one is here to help.
__ messaged me
I replied
she hasn't replied.
White michael messaged me today.
We messaged in spots
He asked me what college and major I had.
I told him some lies.
He said, "nice."
after almost an hour had passed
no reply from me.
my head still hurts.
I got my calc test back
and i got a 92/150
I'm happy enough.
worst test yet, but I'm happy enough.
I'm so done.
I won't go there.

I should take notes.
I Should Take Notes.
Hm.
Yeah.. there's nothing going on.
I'm trying to stop explaining myself to others.
I'm trying to stop apologizing meaninglessly
and I added today to stop saying thank you for bullshit.

Like, I told Aidan that I only said Thank You
when I really meant it.
Mind you, this is when I'm 15. I'm 19 now.
I proceeded to tell him Thank you.
Because I'm sweet and a great preformer
I know exactly how to deliver
but even then I doubt myself
and the doubt throws me off
and my words, they fumble.
I don't speak a lot, so I'm noticing that
I lack the ability to pronounciate words
as well as before.
Yeah, okay. I don't say thank you.
that's not a bad thing for me to say it.
I have all these expectations that I keep with me
like a collage. wish I was ignorant.
I notice every little shift in people
and it makes me shift too
like I'm chess
I just want to win win win
win win win
because well..

I get their allegiance
no matter how temporary
and in exchange, I'm an empty lifeless
little black puppet.
and they pull the strings
and I talk how I think they want me to talk
but i'm slipping.

I'm a wholesome girl who's just a little naive.
But there's a little more to me
and I drop the hints strategically
but my strategy is not working so well anymore.
I'm 19, they expect something more.
my role is no longer believable
i can't be little red riding hood
and the wolf too?
they smell me.
I'm so stinky, I fill the air.
I try to distract them
but my organic scent is peaking through the
perfume of a facade.
I want your love.
I want you to say, "Well-done."
I want to leave you satisfied
maybe a little inspired
maybe in admiration of me.
Come see my play.

I'm an actress, honey.
Aidan was my on-screen romance
just like the rest.
Let me do what I do best
entertain you at my cost.
at the cost of my dignity and sanity.
I practice so hard like a Geisha
but I'm so ugly,
you point at me in the zoo of my mind.
I scatch myself. I fart.

Seeing me be so ugly.
I'm hiding in the environment
but the environment is not accomondating.
I'm now anxious and ugly.
I'm so emotionally and mentally dragged,
I touch at the ends of my mask
with my fingers
and I feel it already broken
I'm pulling peices of glass off me
I'm bleeding out
bleeding to death.
crying to Aidan,
to my parents
to old friends and familiar strangers
to save me.
but I moved so far away
trying to hide my real self
they can't hear me.
they can't hear me..
I have to pull off this mask now.
Please don't scream.
Wrote a stupid poem about Aidan
might make it the paragraph that goes
on the back of Happy Normal
or the first paragraph
or the prologue.
Anyway
here it goes:
"You like that power
though. you like
hurting people. You
like their begging, their panic, and
their disappointment.
It's your guilty game
that you always
win. 'Cause you
play so sneakily.
But I've caught you
inbetween these pages
I've spotted you.
Obessesed over
all our interactions.
With these
collective glances,
I will write about
you and show them
what you are
A boy I never completely understood."
(In response to Aidan's "Fraud" post,
which sounds oddly, might i add, like Lana Del Rey's
"Get Free" song.)
You steal
their hearts
at midnight.
And apologize
half-assedly
in the morning.

You click, you buzz
but baby,
what do you want?
you shift, you nudge
and I turn
looking
for you.
last one is not really Aidan, I don't think.
I wrote Aida - now that's cute.
God..
Hey.
I'm going to Newcastle.
It's in Newcastle, Aus.
The UON.
Love it.
It's.. interesting.
Not sure what I want.
At least logically.
Romantically, I want him.
I want to find him.
Go on a date.

But god..
I hate that.
I hate how my mind narrows into him.
Like, there has to be someone else.
There has to be.
But I like him the most.
I don't know why.
Is he a succubus?
probably spelled that wrong.
spelling a lot of things wrong when
I go on Happy Normal.
the amateurness is real
but oddly lovable.
Indie is trending, guys.
Indie is booming.

Trained.
Hey.

I'll attach it.
It's a picture from a Fiverr account.
I was scoping some artists after the Udemy guy
told me about it.
i found something quite lovely.
The pink and light red one is the
one I like. I also like the red and white.
My idea is to put a line drawing on the red part
like a crude one.
I'll see if I can put those up too.
on a seperate note, i find myself really
liking line drawings.
I love the simplicity. So chic.
I've also been looking for fonts
but it's pretty boring.
I believe I can make this book into something special.
But overconfidence kills,
so I'll just let it develop on its own.
with my supervision and moment-based decisions.
I just want to get my story out there, that's all.
I need to get this out.
Like that girl needed to
cough out the main charater's eyeball
from Neon Demon.
Cut it out if I have too.
And all the readers will eat it like sarah.
love sarah.
never been super into thin girls
well, that one girl who did yoga
and wants to do broadway
but anyway,
I like sarah.
a beautiful ghost
a ghost like me.
I don't know what else to say.
I'm glad I took the time out to write though.

I feel ignorant, unstimulated, and old.
 Feel mute.
Feel dumb.
But it's cool
i feel.. ha. weird.
weird sometimes in a good way.
wont try to escapulate this feeling either.
too many times,
I find myself trying to make sense of everything.
trying to put everything into a set outline
"make a point"
"provide three examples"
"explain how it relates to me and then the world."
"End with a witty or inspirational thought."
no no no!
no.
Life is not that way.
I love my geometric nature
my logic and thoroughness.
But it's not working anymore.
as miss jessie said,
"You're going to learn that you will have to
bleed out some old things in order to take in
some new things."
My old ways - my ignorance - stalls my curiosity
and ability to connect with others.
I don't need to lengthen my sentences.
With lies, on top of that.
h, just be honest.

I'm an Intense person.
I really am.
I was thinking of naming my book,
"Happy Normal, by Intense Little Me."
I'm passionate.
but all this acting, man...
i dont know.
something has to change. im hurting
there's a problem somewhere in my approach
im.. trying to be grateful.
oh..
sorry if this doesn't make much sense, older me.
Sorry if I've jumped from topic to topic
and missed my cues or mispelled.
sorry for taking myself so seriously.
Ah..
But it's okay.
I know that I will do well.

It doesn't matter what I appear as to others
they dont understand my life
or why i believe in what i believe in
and if they were interesting themselves at all
they would listen to me.
take the time out to be my friend and hear my story
i cant force it all on them and they just turned the first cover.
it wont make them leave or stay any faster
just scare them and because i cant explain it all in a day anyway
(like therapy for instance, I still haven't told him all of my life
and we've met like 4 times now about it. so four hours..)
yeah.
I can't convey everything.
I can just invite them to hear me back in
private as two friends.

Like Lasha put it,
if I say and do what I want,
no moment is really lost.
and when I did that for like a week,
i noticed that what he said was true.
I gave my true self while still being
realistically private.
I wasn't anxious, I didn't overshare either.
Unless I wanted to.
but i can barely remember the moments,
but it felt good.
 I'm proud.
I was presenting my two-year plan and life goals.
it felt good.
my headache released some when i typed that
i guess writing really is cathartic.
anyway,
i cant always be on stage.
I have to be myself
I know some people will appreciate that
even in a pudunk place like Kirksville.
If I stutter and don't know what to say,
that's okay. I shouldn't force myself.
If I walk too slow and people behind me
with their backpacks and water bottles
start to pass me
that's okay. I shouldn't speed up
unless it's really important or endangers myself
not to do so, haha..
not really laughing..
i stutter a lot more now.
my words jumble when I speak
starting to like my voice..
got on camaera..
rented one from ITS
couldn't save the videos 'cause the usb wasn't working
found out I was just a dumbass
when I returned it.
I deleted those videos.
All is good though.
The moment felt good
so i might get a cheap camcorder or something.
i liked hearing and seeing myself
i felt a lot more real than
i let myself be..
Okay.
I've been typing for awhile now.
Hey, h, I don't know what I'm going to do.
I don't know what's going to happen next.
I probably should work on scholarships though.
Need that money for Newcastle..
Ah..
I'll see if I can add those lovely pictures..
the ones about my book.
Hm.
How do I end this?
Feels so good to type.
How do i.. end this?

Hey.
I didn't want to open it up like
always. the same way.
I'm crying just a little.
I got my appeals denied again.
felt good about it all week
but didn't let myself get too comfortable.
i had a feeling it was going to happen.
this school has ruined me.
i talked to my sister
almost talked to momma.
but she was sleeping.
i called her first by the way.
my sister is the same old.
self-centered, a bit whiny
takes forever to talk about things.
it's bittersweet.
on one hand, i did miss them.
on the other, i really regret contacting them.
but it would probably be weird
had i simply not, especially before New Years.
its like food poisoning
felt good to eat it
my roommate listened in, i know
i performed my role
indirectly spoke to her through my sister.
to send a message
im not a complete loon and i have a heart.
see?
im talking to my little sis on the phone.
in 10 years, when my roommate is giving a speech
she'll mention me.
"Back in college, my first semester, I had this
strange roommate. By strange, I mean, really strange.
she wouldn't talk to me. She wouldn't even say bless you
when i sneezed, despite me saying it to her.
I generally walked into the room and she was either
asleep or on her laptop, listening to a surprising
variety of music. I didn't think much of it though.
Most nights I would have to ask her to use headphones.
and most times, she agreed to.
I typically didn't hear her speak other than that.
But one night, I heard her talking to a relative, maybe
a little sister from the girl's voice.
And my roommate was this new person,
who laughed and joked. And was sassy sometimes
and sometimes really sweet.
She was still quiet and attentive to her sister
but asked her questions about her day and family
and promised to even buy them gifts for Christmas.
The point is, guys, is that you really can't judge
a book by it's cover. Or in my case, you can't judge
your roommate by their lack of socialization. That's my story.
Thanks for having me."
and the audience around her applauds
some even wipe a tear or two.
Yes.. me,
the sad old girl with new friends.
me, the loner.
me, the loser who sleeps and types.
and writes.
this semester...
is hurt
i wanted to put something dramatic down
to be poetic since there's a line above
saying this school ruined me.
but i'll decline that urge/opprtunity.
I haven't been to calculus all week.
I might go tonight.
im still debating on whether i want to go
to that stupid book club tonight.
burning chrome..
okay-book..
but the teacher who runs that also manages appeals.
it's a little awkward
and im a little angry..
more like underwhelmed.
i'd probably be more silent than usual.
its not like my ideas are really accepted there.
seems like everything i say is scrutinized
not even in a sense of im saying infactual things
it's more of a..
there's this one guy who just fights everything
i say. like, and i don't really know how to combat it?
but i shouldnt be combatting it.
i dont want to argue.
i just wanted to discuss the books and
my personal interpretations along with other peoples'.
lately, it doesn't feel that way.
feel like im supposed to say things more pc
and silly.
not things that are thoughtful.
when i say things
its like the entire room grows quiet.
that sort of silence is eerie
makes me feel like an alien
who just crash landed, I guess
or someone who has said something
that people cannot care to reply to?
not excited for that.
used to be excited for these sorts of things.
but now, im just tired.
it's just this school and its energy.
it has a high suicide rate.
i see why.
feel like im at an Apple factory in China..
heh..
ive been reading Aidan's blog compulsively.
multiple times a day.
wow.
this needs to.. stop.
i saw someone messaged him.
"i love u ur amazing"
i know it's just to be cute.
He replied, "NO U!"
ha.. why does that make me cry?
I feel like Yuri from Doki doki, ha.
ha.
i got some money yesday..
i walked in the cold, it was snowing..
i dont want to write anymore
god, why do..
he said i was the only one he could talk to
so played.
12/08/2017 4:13pm
Just finished a final episode of Black Mirror.
That is, White Christmas.

My brain feels so grimy and gross.
I've been hiding in my room like
old times at dad's
when quo moved in.
Feel so unwanted here.
Let me tell you what happened, older me.
Had this mandatory hall meeting
about winter closing.
This was like Tuesday night.
I was like, okay
let's go to the little meeting.

She banged loudly.
I opened.
She looked dead into my eyes
like that blonde white girl in Mr.
Smith's office.
When I asked her if she started the
take-home exam.
The look looks like complete hatred
that drills into my soul.
God, unforgetabble.
Like I just killed someone
they loved and was asking to use their
phone or something
or even their shirt to wipe up the blood.
So, ya.
That's how the SA looked at me
a few nights ago when I answered the door
Like down on me.
I know she's taller than me and all
but it was something that felt... hostlie
She starts:
"I know you don't answer your door and all
but we have a mandatory meeting in 15 minutes."
I say ehkay.
I sat down and felt odd.
Like that first part wasn't needed.
Eventually, the meetings starts.
I chill against the wall
where some other girls stand.
It's just around the corner
so the main speakers can't see me.
Not that SA, at least.
They talk and giggle
and eventually the meeting is disbanded.
I'm like cool,
let me go back to my room.
I had been drawing this sketch of a girl
a random girl
during the meeting to pass time.
So, I finished it during the meeting
which shows that the meeting was at least
hmm 20 minutes maybe?
Even as little as 15?
Either way, as soon as she, the SA,
said the meeting was over.
I walked off.
She said, oh wait
'cause I guess she wanted to talk a little more.
I walked slowly away
but they were really just joking, talking
whatever. it wasn't about the meeting's topic.
So, I left.
Retreated to my room.
I'm a little annoyed at this point but it's cool.
Eventually, I get another banging knock at the door.
That same SA is there.
She says she's coming in
Not even asking
Which I didn't really notice at the moment
I just went with it.
In hindsight, I should have said no.
She needs to ask to come in my room.
But anyway,
She basically says that someone said
I left a few minutes into the meeting
I guess 'cause I didn't stay the last
2 minutes of the meeting. (literally)
I tell her I stayed.
She says she hopes I'm being honest.
Like I'm a kid, I guess.
And says that I don't normally knock
which is why she bangs on my door.
Like, I told her I'm either not here,
sleeping, or have headphones in.
So, ya. But otherwise, I do answer.
Also, which I didn't say,
is I know they're there for Emma.
So, why should I answer?
When Emma is in the room
she answers.
I'm not expecting anyone.

And I know I know
Don't drink poison and expect the
enemy to die.
I know. But I'm pissed.
So, I'm going to let myself be pissed.
For once.
'Cause I always just put on a brave face.

I can feel it.
I can feel how uncomfortable they are with me here.
I don't like being approached.
I don't like being asked if I'm okay.

Like, when does that ever happen?
You're not trained to handle me problems.
You don't know me at all.
And that's so cliche,
but it's so true.
I feel so claustrophobic
so angry, so alien.
I just want to be alone.
But.. they don't get that.
They think I'm sad or suicidal.
I'm only sad that you won't let me be.
I get suicidal by how unwanted I feel here.
I feel uncomfortable
to no end.
I don't belong here.
I don't belong here.
And you people make that very clear.

And no, this isn't some
misinterpreted Midwestern hospitality.
This is passive hostility.
This is nosiness.

Scared to leave my room
else I might bump into one of them.
scared that something I do
will be interpreted incorrectly
and used against me.
I'm scared; I'm hiding out in my room
for the week now.
Scared of compliments.
Scared because everything seems to hurt
me in some way.
Can't trust anything.
I'm not exagerrating.
I'm not paranoid, therapist.
You don't get it at all
because you don't understand me.
And you don't want to.
You just can't.

These people are narrow-minded and clone-like.

And now, I'm afraid to come out.
I'm afraid to see them
and hear something
and have to answer the door
to another moment
that just leaves me frustrated
and misunderstood.

They're coming up with this idea of me
without my consent, without even talking to me.
Small towns always want the dirt
on everyone.
A profile to add new observations to.

Hopefully, with better classes
I'll have more to do.
As of now,
I am beyond bored.
I can't play games on Steam and Itch.io
anymore. The content has overflooded
my brain.
I can't enjoy Youtube anymore.
It's losing my interest every day.
Music is all that is left.
I don't want to cling too hard to it.
I want to still enjoy it.
Pleas,
I can't lose music.

Some days, I really really want to.
Man..
If next semester isn't any better,
I might need to drop out
otherwise, I will end up suiciding at this college.
It's insane.

I felt loved.
I felt like I could be myself.
At Ten's house, I could chill there too.
With STPGS, I had my own apartment room.

I can see why men in the past
considered women to be children.

But not all.
This I know.
I feel so sufforcated here.
Sooo unwanted.
Stranded
mentally and physically,
I'm stranded
and I don't know how to ask for help.
I can't reach out to family?
no..?
what?
I need to get out. I need to get out.
Please, week, pass by quickly.
I'm dying.
*I'm also fasting.
At least that's what I thought
I used all of my meals at the c-store
just to stave off my access to meals.
Meals replenish Sunday morning
So I figured I'd fast from Friday to Saturday.
I cheated though.
I ate from my roommate's pretzel stick bag.
Hope she doesn't notice.
I mean, it was wide-open too.
Heh.. I'm glad I wrote today.
My headache is releasing, like it always does.
I also was able to reset my tablet.
I'm so hungry though.
I might go somewhere and get something
to eat using that gift card I got Wednesday.
Hundred dollars to talk about sex.
Ha.
Okay..
I'm going to get off..
Thank you God for giving mankind
the ability to write.
It really is my therapy.
K, goodbye.
12/15/2017 10:30pm
So, Net Neutrality is over.
Guess my little blog won't ever get noticed now.
Hmm.
Maybe that gives me more confidence
and ease with disclosing things then.
I'm leaving the dorms tomorrow
for Christmas break.
SS is picking me up.
They've allowed me to stay over.
I'm grateful for them.
I've been trying to find a job
I've even settled for dishwashing.
Anything, really.
Just need to make some money.
Hope I can find something.
I applied for the movie theatre too.
Haven't heard back yet.
Who knows.
I've cleaned up my room all day
I've gotten my clothes and blankets.
Heh.
You wouldn't guess
but I started talking to momma and halina.
I felt the need to.
So, I did it.
It was like a breathe of fresh air
listening to them
seeing something so familiar.
experiencing something so familiar again.
I really needed that
especially after this semester.
I liked talking to both of them.
I watched something momma told me about
Umar Johnson.
He's this pan-africanist.
I researched him on YouTube
and did more research.
Eventually found myself binging on
celebrity news or twitter news.
Maybe I have been living under a rock.
Had to end that nonsense though
I was getting too addicted.
Talked to momma about it all
about Harvey Weistein,
Umar, DNA, and other topics.
It was bittersweet
Love them, I really do.
But I can't keep being the old me
around them, if that makes sense.
I wrote all about it on my tablet
I almost regret seeking them out
but I know it was for the best.
I just have to be careful,
else, I'll feel used and worthless again.
They're good people -
I'm just evolving.
And they are too.
Still love them though.
Michael, AKA
Hitler's Daydream,
had been contacting me lately.
It was really brief though.
Looks like he's getting older
17 now, wow.
Still deeply in love with me, it seems.
Or at least super horny.
Probably the latter then the former.
Heh.
It was brief though, as I typed.
He was taking too long
Pulling an Aidan, a Lasha,
A james and Matthew.
Wow, I must be so boring.
Hm..
So, after some days of talking,
I just had to let him know
either we had a solid conversation
or he left me alone.
He said he'll leave me alone.
That was yesterday,
So, I just blocked him.
Deleted the chat history.
Deleted the key.
Felt good to just retire that
instead of holding onto the crumbs
of barely legible conversation.
I saw Aidan's profile.
On IMVU and Tumblr.
He's still writing his poems.

Then, his DP on his IMVU page
is now an open mouth
with the word "BDSM"
in the center. The "S"
has a dollar sign.
Oh, Aidan..
Why do I choose such losers.
Reminds me that I should better myself.
Since my Netflix was randomly turned back on,
(which was my family, I know. They sort of told me,)
I've been watching cult documentaries.
Namely two documentaries.
Holy Hell and Children of God.

And in ways,
it made me think more of my own
individuality.
Before anything else,
I am an individual.

And in any companionship I enter,
I need to focus on retaining my individuality
through consistently connecting with myself
and watching my mouth.
Think before I speak
Give myself that form of self-respect
people will try to make a person their
center of amusement.
But if one behaves cautiously
and thoughfully
around others, I believe they can outsmart people.
In any kind of situation,
family, romantic, group, crowd, interview, etc
That's one way to put myself first.
Secondly, it's to have trust in my instincts.
A lot of these cult leaders persuaded people
to, what it seems, abandon common sense.
Because they were beautiful and intelligent,
their followers felt inferior and wanted their truths.
And the leaders contorted that truth
to abuse them whenever and however.
And the more devoted the followers were
to the leader's image and cause,
the more the leader could trick them.
Well,
I don't want that to happen to me.
Emotionally, I know I'm vulnerable.
I know I still seek something
that understands, supports, and comforts me.
Like everyone else,
especially at this age.
I think by just acknolweding it,
It allows me to protect myself
against others who prey on me
and others like me
because we want those things.
And it's not bad to want it.
it's just a human reality.
But people like James
they prey off that.
Matthew too.
Aidan may feel that way himself
but he still used it against me.
I'm not a fun person, okay?
I get it. I'm kind of boring most of the time.
But that's because, I think,
I hide most of myself to others.
Even family.
I can't show you my oasis,
my garden of Eden,
No, you'll just desecrate me.
I've opened my gates enough
but now I have to close them.
Ban people from certain countries
of thought and personality.
Like, the travel ban, I guess.
Michael, AKA Hitler's Daydream, was just the beginning.
I can love others, yes.
But I can't keep settling for crumbs.
Especially when it was a whole cake
in the beginning.
When they change up for the worse,
I have to cut my losses and leave.
Too many people in this world
to lose my mind over one.
Finally,
I just want to end this note saying
Happy New Years, h.

It's still mid December,
but I probably won't get on since
I won't have regular internet access
while at SS.
Plus, hopefully, I'll be working.
So, Merry Christmas, h.
Please be well.
I know I've been so numb lately.
So much death in the world,
feeling like I want to die myself.
But.. not yet.
Not Yet.
I can pull through.
I'm not all used up.
There is still hope in me.
No matter how little.
Merry Christmas, h.
And Happy New Year.
10:01pm 1/29/2018
Maybe I was all wrong.
Thought I had the notes right
but sung the song so wrong.
Maybe life really is short
Maybe I'll regret all my years
spent so sad.
Maybe there's more to the world
than I think.
Maybe I was all wrong.
Hey, h
I gotta preposition and one update.
I have some things
that I want to do
before I die
before the year ends.
before this semester ends
before my mother's birthday
H,
I want to print my poems on t-shirts on Amazon.
don't laugh at me
H,
I want to control my eating
once I can do that,
then maybe lose weight too
hopefully
H,
I want to finish happy normal.
It's a big task
this may take until the end of the year
but I want the basic message
done by the middle of this year.
or something
H,
I need more friends.
I'm sufforcating alone.
Strive to meet others.
Be a bit more daring
but either way, just be myself.
Stay true to myself
and the right ones will hear me
and attract to me
H,
I want more money
that's all.
And H,
I want to get my hair done
I want to get my hair braided
and in two big side braids
I might post a picture of it
it's so cute, h.
H,
That's kind of of it.
But here's an update
or two
I started a blog on Tumblr.
Here it is: lonedom
I like it so far
took me forever to find the template
it's a bit small, so zoom into at least 125%.
But it's my home.
I've gotten two likes so far too <3
I look at Aidan's stuff
(Yeah I'm still not over him)
He's... well, just read those posts.
Second update,
I changed my major.
I'm doing an interdisciplinary degree
business and writing
to hopefully get into copywriting, project management,
and other stuff like that.
Honestly,
I just want to do what makes me happy.
We'll die soon,
time goes by so fast
no point in being so sad.
but no point in losing depth either.
I'm still finding the perfect balance
I hope to be liberated
I hope to be better.
Before I know it,
It will be december 31st 2018.
I know I can lose the weight,
stack the money,
make the friends
and prepare the book by then
I know I can.
So, I will.

Wrote poems for creative writing too.
I even performed it in front of others
I felt so proud, so loved
the exhileration has been
keeping my bones busy all week
ugh
we got them back from the prof today though
and i dunno,
i cant read his handwriting, so ill see him tommorrow
but what I can make out shows
not so good, he doesn't seem as impressed
as the others.
Eh.
Can't please em all.
Ttyl
By the way,
H, I had a decent new year.
Cya
4/48/2018 2:24am
I am a scavenger.
My prime skill is editing.
I take the bones of an animal
And carve out a primative tool.
I take its carcus,
and live in it.
I am the original maker of nothing.

H, it's over.
I'm almost done here and then I'm going to
Florida for the summer.
I'm thankful.
For everything.
Dad's dying btw.
We talked.
It's over.
for him, at least.
Life goes by quickly.
One day, I'll be him.
Still obsessed with Aidan? Check.
Still posting on Tumblr? Check.
Doing subpar in my classes? Check.
Hate everyone around me?
Feeling like my skull is cracking apart?
Check.
Losing weight? Nope.
Annoyed by that? Not entirely.
Tired? Not really.
Emotional-wise? Check.
Just checking back in, h.
Bet you didn't think I'd last this long.
blogging and all.
well, I'm here.
Ready to disembark.
Oh.
And just to let you know
I currently have no idea how
i will live my life at this point.
I still want to do the rv thing.
I still want to go to umkc.
I still want to do theatre, film studies, and entrepreneurship.
but job titles?
some sort of artist.
some trash artist.
I don't know.
A thinker too.
Produce content
but i'm so lazy.
Fuck.
Jordan Peterson is really cool though.
But remember, h, don't take
what all these great thinkers say word for word.
be my own person.
Can't, and shouldn't, live off the gains of others.
That's mindless consumption.
An addiction.
No more of that.
It's time for me to create.

We've been dating for a few days now
It's strange..
He already said I love you.
I say it back but I feel like I'm lying.

I think we're better as friends, so
I should stop wasting our time.
But he seems so lonely.
Oh, but isn't that funny?
I always complain how I don't want others to pity me.
I don't want to be someone's charity case.
Oh, wow..
But I'm lonely too.
And he seems to stick around when I offer love, despite it being fake.
So, I don't want to lose that from him.
Oh, I don't know.
I'm so miserable.
I also moved into my apartment.
I really need to go out and do more with myself.
Like workout.
I need something to fix my mental state.
I need something to give me happiness.
I have no clue what that is.
I plan on going to Australia and Fiji.
I plan on getting counseling.
I plan on getting a better job, probably project assistant.

Total loner.
I already bought a camera and set it up, so I might just go ahead.
I'm also thinking of making designs on Redbubble again.