In this project, you'll generate your own Simpsons TV scripts using RNNs. You'll be using part of the Simpsons dataset of scripts from 27 seasons. The Neural Network you'll build will generate a new TV script for a scene at Moe's Tavern.
The data is already provided for you. You'll be using a subset of the original dataset. It consists of only the scenes in Moe's Tavern. This doesn't include other versions of the tavern, like "Moe's Cavern", "Flaming Moe's", "Uncle Moe's Family Feed-Bag", etc..
"""
DON'T MODIFY ANYTHING IN THIS CELL
"""
import helper
data_dir = './data/simpsons/moes_tavern_lines.txt'
text = helper.load_data(data_dir)
# Ignore notice, since we don't use it for analysing the data
text = text[81:]
Play around with view_sentence_range
to view different parts of the data.
view_sentence_range = (0, 2000)
"""
DON'T MODIFY ANYTHING IN THIS CELL
"""
import numpy as np
print('Dataset Stats')
print('Roughly the number of unique words: {}'.format(len({word: None for word in text.split()})))
scenes = text.split('\n\n')
print('Number of scenes: {}'.format(len(scenes)))
sentence_count_scene = [scene.count('\n') for scene in scenes]
print('Average number of sentences in each scene: {}'.format(np.average(sentence_count_scene)))
sentences = [sentence for scene in scenes for sentence in scene.split('\n')]
print('Number of lines: {}'.format(len(sentences)))
word_count_sentence = [len(sentence.split()) for sentence in sentences]
print('Average number of words in each line: {}'.format(np.average(word_count_sentence)))
print()
print('The sentences {} to {}:'.format(*view_sentence_range))
print('\n'.join(text.split('\n')[view_sentence_range[0]:view_sentence_range[1]]))
Dataset Stats Roughly the number of unique words: 11492 Number of scenes: 262 Average number of sentences in each scene: 15.248091603053435 Number of lines: 4257 Average number of words in each line: 11.50434578341555 The sentences 0 to 2000: Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Moe's Tavern. Where the elite meet to drink. Bart_Simpson: Eh, yeah, hello, is Mike there? Last name, Rotch. Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Hold on, I'll check. (TO BARFLIES) Mike Rotch. Mike Rotch. Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch, lately?   Moe_Szyslak: What's the matter Homer? You're not your normal effervescent self. Homer_Simpson: I got my problems, Moe. Give me another one. Moe_Szyslak: Homer, hey, you should not drink to forget your problems. Barney_Gumble: Yeah, you should only drink to enhance your social skills. Moe_Szyslak: Ah, isn't that nice. Now, there is a politician who cares. Barney_Gumble: If I ever vote, it'll be for him. (BELCH) Barney_Gumble: Hey Homer, how's your neighbor's store doing? Homer_Simpson: Lousy. He just sits there all day. He'd have a great job if he didn't own the place. (CHUCKLES) Moe_Szyslak: (STRUGGLING WITH CORKSCREW) Crummy right-handed corkscrews! What does he sell? Homer_Simpson: Uh, well actually, Moe... HOMER_(CONT'D: I dunno. Moe_Szyslak: Looks like this is the end. Barney_Gumble: That's all right. I couldn't have led a richer life. Barney_Gumble: So the next time somebody tells you county folk are good, honest people, you can spit in their faces for me! Lisa_Simpson: I will, Mr. Gumbel. But if you'll excuse me, I'm profiling my dad for the school paper. I thought it would be neat to follow him around for a day to see what makes him tick. Barney_Gumble: Oh, that's sweet. I used to follow my dad to a lot of bars too. (BELCH) Moe_Szyslak: Here you go. One beer, one chocolate milk. Lisa_Simpson: Uh, excuse me, I have the chocolate milk. Moe_Szyslak: Oh. Moe_Szyslak: What's the matter, Homer? The depressin' effects of alcohol usually don't kick in 'til closing time. Lisa_Simpson: He's just a little nervous. (PROUDLY) He has to give a speech tomorrow on "How To Keep Cool In A Crisis." Homer_Simpson: (SOBS) What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?  I was pretty nervous, so I used a little trick. I pictured everyone in their underwear. The judge, the jury, my lawyer, everybody. Homer_Simpson: Did it work? Barney_Gumble: I'm a free man, ain't I? Barney_Gumble: Whoa! Barney_Gumble: Huh? A pretzel? Wow, looks like I pulled a Homer! Patrons: (MUMBLING, NOT IN UNISON) Happy thoughts... happy thoughts... we love that boy. Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Moe's Tavern. Hold on, I'll check. ... (LOUD) Hey everybody!  Barney_Gumble: That's a new one (LAUGHING). Moe_Szyslak: Now wait a minute... Homer_Simpson: Hurry, Moe, hurry! I've only got five minutes till the music store closes.  Homer_Simpson: Hey, do I tell you how to do your job? Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. Homer_Simpson: You know, if you tip the glass, there won't be so much foam on top. Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. Homer_Simpson: (LOOKING AT WATCH) Ah. Finished with fifteen seconds to spare. Little_Man: (CONCERNED) What's the matter, buddy? Homer_Simpson: The moron next door closed early!  Homer_Simpson: Oh, me and my trenchant mouth. Homer_Simpson: Please, you've got to open that store. Little_Man: Let me think about it... Eh... No. Homer_Simpson: Okay, okay. But I want you to see a picture of the little girl you're disappointing. (GOES THROUGH HIS WALLET) Well I don't have one.  Be a pal. Remember when I pulled you and your wife out of that burning car? Little_Man: (GRUDGINGLY) Okay. Okay. But now we're even. (TO HOMER) So what does your daughter need?   Homer_Simpson: Number Four and a Half reed! Whoo hoo! Little_Man: Uh-huh. And what instrument does she play? Homer_Simpson: (SUNK) I dunno. Moe_Szyslak: (TO PATRONS) Figure of speech. Moe_Szyslak: Hiya, Homer. (SIGHS) Homer_Simpson: What's the matter, Moe? Moe_Szyslak: Ah, business is slow. People today are healthier and drinking less. You know, if it wasn't for the Junior High school next door no one would even use the cigarette machine. Homer_Simpson: (MOUTH FULL) Yeah, things are tough all over. Moe_Szyslak: Increased job satisfaction and family togetherness are poison for a purveyor of mind-numbing intoxicants like myself. Homer_Simpson: Could I get a beer? Moe_Szyslak: Uh, yeah, sure. Moe_Szyslak: Oh sorry, I forgot we're out of beer. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I know, I got behind on my beer payments.  Moe_Szyslak: You're too late, Homer. Barney sucked it dry. Cut his gums up pretty bad. Moe_Szyslak: Take it easy, Homer. I learned how to make other drinks at Bartender's School. Moe_Szyslak: (UNFAMILIAR) Gin and... tonic? Do they mix? Homer_Simpson: (BRIGHTENING) Hey, I know a good drink. Really hits the spot. I invented it myself... Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Harv.  What do you call it? Homer_Simpson: A "Flaming Homer". Moe_Szyslak: Okay, why don't you make us up a couple of "Flaming Homers"? Homer_Simpson: Hey Moe, you got any cough syrup? Moe_Szyslak: Uh, let me check the lost and found. Moe_Szyslak: What do we got here, Bowie knife, troll doll, glass eye... Moe_Szyslak: Oh. Here we are. Moe_Szyslak: It's not without its charm. Homer_Simpson: Try lighting it on fire. Moe_Szyslak: (SMILING) Whoa! Homer, it's like there's a party in my mouth and everyone's invited. Larry: Hey, your Love Tester's busted. I want my nickel back. (COUGHS) Moe_Szyslak: Hey, buddy. Have one on the house. Larry: Hey, hey, this drink is delicious! And my phlegm feels looser. What do you call it? Homer_Simpson: Well, it's called a "Flaming... Moe_Szyslak: Moe! It's called a "Flaming Moe"! That's right, a "Flaming Moe". My name is Moe, and I invented it. That's why it's called a Flaming Moe. What? What are you lookin' at, Homer? It's a Flaming Moe I'm Moe. Barney_Gumble: Hey, what's this? Moe_Szyslak: A sneeze guard. Barney_Gumble: Wow, it really works. HARV: (CHUCKLING) I'll be back. Homer_Simpson: Moe, I haven't seen the place this crowded since the government cracked down on you for accepting food stamps. Do you think my drink had something to do with it? Moe_Szyslak: Who can say? It's probably a combination of things. Patron_#1: (TO MOE) Another pitcher of those amazing "Flaming Moe's". Patron_#2: Boy, I hate this joint, but I love that drink. Collette: Barkeep, I couldn't help noticing your sign. Moe_Szyslak: The one that says, "Bartenders Do It 'Til You Barf"? Collette: No, above that store-bought drollery. Moe_Szyslak: Oh great! Why don't we fill out an application? (READING) I'll need your name, measurements and turn ons.. Collette: You really expect me to tell you my measurements? Moe_Szyslak: You could, but I find this way is much more accurate... and fun. Collette: (DISGUSTED) what do you offer in the way of salary? Moe_Szyslak: Minimum wage and tips. (MEANINGFULLY) Of course there are fringe benefits. Collette: Such as? Moe_Szyslak: An unforgettable weekend at Club Moe. Collette: I prefer to take my vacations someplace hot. Moe_Szyslak: I like your moxie, kid. You're hired. Collette: You shan't regret this. Moe_Szyslak: Methinks I shan't. HARV: (TO MOE) Pardon me, are you the genius behind the "Flaming Moe"? Homer_Simpson: Why yes I -- Moe_Szyslak: (CUTTING HIM OFF) I'm your man. HARV: Huh uh. My name is Harv Bannister. I work for "Tipsy McStagger's Good Time Drinking and Eating Emporium". Moe_Szyslak: Oh yeah? Hey, what's Mr. McStagger really like? HARV: Actually, there is no Tipsy McStagger. He's just a composite of other successful logos. Moe_Szyslak: Well, you tell him from me that he makes one great mozzarella stick. HARV: (QUICKLY) Yes, fine, I will. Anyway, I've got a proposition for you. Moe_Szyslak: Keep talkin'. HARV: We feel your "Flaming Moe" is perfect for our restaurant chain. We want to buy the recipe. Moe_Szyslak: No dice. The "Flaming Moe" is not for sale.  Barney_Gumble: Good for you, Moe.  Moe_Szyslak: (TO HARV) I'm sorry, but the secret ingredient dies with me. Delivery_Man: (TO MOE) Thirty cases of cough syrup. Sign here. Moe_Szyslak: (COVERING NERVOUS LAUGHING) I got hooked on this stuff in the service. Homer_Simpson: (QUIETLY) Hi, Moe. Where's that waitress of yours? Moe_Szyslak: Ah, she left to pursue a movie career. Frankly I think she was better off here. Homer_Simpson: Moe, sorry I lost you hundreds of thousands of dollars. Moe_Szyslak: Oh, hey, hey. Maybe some things are too good to be kept a secret. Homer_Simpson: I guess so. Moe_Szyslak: Compliments of the house. (WARMLY) One "Flaming Homer". Homer_Simpson: Ahh. Thanks, Moe. You're the greatest friend a guy could ever have. Homer_Simpson: Hey, do you think Aerosmith will be in tonight? Moe_Szyslak: I doubt it. Moe_Szyslak: (SHOCKED) Are you sure? Cuz once I open the bottle there's no refund. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer. Wanna Duff? Homer_Simpson: (SMOOTHLY) No, I'd like a bottle of Henry K. Duff's Private Reserve. Homer_Simpson: For your information, I just made a cool twenty-five dollars playing the market. Buy low, sell high, that's my motto. I may just quit my job at the power plant to become a full-time stock market guy. Homer_Simpson: Have a Duff, boys! Hans: (GERMAN ACCENT, FRIENDLY) Oh, thank you. My English is not perfect, but I have to tell you your beer is like swill to us. Do I have that right? I am saying that only a swine would drink this beer. Fritz: (GERMAN ACCENT) Yeah, but thank you anyway. Homer_Simpson: Hey, you guys aren't from around here, are you? Hans: Ech, nein. We are from Germany. He is from the East. I am from the West.  Now we have a very big company. Hans: We are interested in buying the power plant. Do you think the owner would ever sell it? Homer_Simpson: (VERY CONFIDENT) Well, I happen to know that he won't sell it for less than 100 million dollars. Fritz: A hundred million? Hans: Oh, don't worry! We'll still have enough left to buy the Cleveland Browns. Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking. Bart_Simpson: (INTO PHONE) Uh yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name... Bee. Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Ah, yeah. Just a minute, I'll check. (CALLING OUT) Uh, Bee O'Problem. Bee O'Problem. C'mon, guys. Do I have an O'Problem here? Barney_Gumble: You sure do! Moe_Szyslak: (REALIZING) Awwww. (INTO PHONE) It's you, isn't it?  Bart_Simpson: Excuse me, I'm looking for -- Moe_Szyslak: Wait a minute. I know that voice. Moe_Szyslak: If it isn't little Bart Simpson! I haven't seen you in years. Bart_Simpson: That's right. That's my pop! Moe_Szyslak: Ah, little Bart... we hear all about your monkeyshines. Moe_Szyslak: (CONSPIRATORIAL) Bet you get into all kinds of trouble he don't even know about. Am I right? Huh? Am I right? Bart_Simpson: (CAN'T RESIST) Yeah, well, I make some crank phone calls. Moe_Szyslak: (MUSSES BART'S HAIR) (LAUGHS) That's great! Hey, would you sing that old song you used to sing for me? Bart_Simpson: (A LITTLE EMBARRASSED) Moe, for you... anything? Bart_Simpson: (SINGING) EVERY TEDDY BEAR WHO'S BEEN GOOD IS SURE OF A TREAT TODAY/ THERE'S LOTS OF MARVELOUS THINGS TO EAT, AND WONDERFUL GAMES TO PLAY/ BENEATH THE TREES, WHERE NOBODY SEES/ THEY'LL HIDE AND SEEK AS LONG AS THEY PLEASE/ TODAY'S THE DAY THE TEDDY BEARS HAVE THEIR PICNIC! Moe_Szyslak: He's a pip, this one is! C._Montgomery_Burns: Ah, the mirthless laugh of the damned. Hold your nose, Smithers, we're going in! C._Montgomery_Burns: (TO SMITHERS) Watch me blend in. (TO MOE) Barkeep, some cheap domestic beer for me and my "buddy" here. Homer_Simpson: I'm not your buddy, you greedy old reptile! C._Montgomery_Burns: Smithers, who is this saucy fellow? Waylon_Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. Sector Sieben-gruben -- I mean, Sector 7G. Recently terminated. Homer_Simpson: That's right. I lost my job so that you could have another 100 million dollars. Homer_Simpson: (POINTED) Let me ask you something. Does your money cheer you up when you're feeling blue? C._Montgomery_Burns: Yes. Homer_Simpson: Okay, bad example. So let me ask you this, does your money ever hug you when you come home at night? C._Montgomery_Burns: (SHAKEN) Why, no. Homer_Simpson: And does it ever say, "I love you?" C._Montgomery_Burns: (SHAKEN) No, it doesn't. Homer_Simpson: (SING-SONG) Nobody loves you. Nobody loves you.  Nobody loves you. Yea, yea, yea yea! Homer_Simpson: Nobody loves you... C._Montgomery_Burns: Good heavens, Smithers! They're not afraid of me anymore! Bart_Simpson: Hey Mr. Burns, did you get that letter I sent? C._Montgomery_Burns: Letter? I don't recall any letter... Bart_Simpson: That's because I forgot to stamp it. Moe_Szyslak: (LAUGHING) Ah, that kid slays me. C._Montgomery_Burns: That was no accident. Let's get out of here. Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) Na na na na / Na na na na / Barflies: Hey hey hey / Goodbye -- Na na na na / na na na na / hey hey hey / goodbye... C._Montgomery_Burns: What good is money if you can't inspire terror in your fellow man? (DETERMINED) I've got to get my plant back! Moe_Szyslak: Moe's Tavern. Where the peanut bowl is freshened hourly. Homer_Simpson: Moe, I'd like to bet twenty dollars on Denver. Moe_Szyslak: (SLYLY) I think I can provide that service. (LOOKING AROUND) Um, uh, Chief Wiggum, could you hand me that little black book? Chief_Wiggum: Oh, sure thing, Moe. I was just using it as a coaster. Homer_Simpson: Twenty big ones on Denver. Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Pleasure doing business with you, (COYLY) H. S. Homer_Simpson: (TO TV) All right, Denver. Justify my love. Football_Announcer: At the end of thirteen seconds of play, it's New England seven, Denver nothing. Lisa_Simpson: Look, Dad. I made a modest studio apartment for my Malibu Stacey doll. This is the kitchen, this is where she prints her weekly feminist newsletter... Lisa_Simpson: DAAAAAD! You're not listening to me.  Homer_Simpson: The usual, Moe. A beer and a wad of bills.  Moe_Szyslak: Here you go, Homer. A hundred and thirty-five dollars.  (SNIFFS DEEPLY) Now it's the smell of victory.  Moe_Szyslak: Hundred and ten, a hundred and twenty... You lucky son-of-a...   That's the Super Bowl. How about the Sunday after that? Barney_Gumble: Well, my ma's coming in from Norway, but... uh what the hell. (BELCHES) Moe_Szyslak: Moe's Tavern, Home of the Super Sunday Brunch Spectacular. Barney_Gumble: Oh! Baloney. Bread! Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Gotcha ya down for forty bucks. Good luck Your Eminence. Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer, you can't take any more of my money. I'm, uh, outta the bookie business. Barney_Gumble: But Moe, you've been taking bets all... Moe_Szyslak: (CUTTING HIM OFF) Hey Barney, how 'bout a free beer? Barney_Gumble: Wow! (BELCH) Homer_Simpson: Don't worry, Moe. I'm not bettin'. Moe_Szyslak: What? Gimme that. Homer_Simpson: I had the greatest gift of all, a little girl who could pick football and I ruined it. Bret: Well sir, we're two hours and forty-five minutes into the pre-game show and we've got ourselves a special guest. Actor Troy McClure, whose new sitcom is premiering tonight -- coincidentally enough, right after the game! Troy_McClure: Thanks, Bret. My new show's called "Handle with Care". I play Jack Handle, a retired cop who shares an apartment with a retired criminal. We're the original odd couple! Bret: What made you want to do a situation comedy? Troy_McClure: Well, I fell in love with the script, Bret, and my recent trouble with the IRS sealed the deal. Bret: Could be another Drexel's Class. Ooh, looks like we're almost ready for the kickoff. Football_Announcer: Dallas kicks -- oh, it's a bad kick, way too short. Buffalo's going to start with excellent field position. Homer_Simpson: Buffalo's gonna win. Lisa hates me! (SOBS) Larry: Whatcha got riding on this game? Homer_Simpson: My daughter. Larry: (WHISTLES) What a gambler. Football_Announcer: That was the score at the half. Buffalo fourteen: Dallas seven. Barflies: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Yea!! Duff_Announcer: It's a touchdown for half-back Dan Beer-dorf! Duff Dry has won the Duff Bowl! Moe_Szyslak: They wanted it more. Barney_Gumble: Hey Homer, didn't you say if Duff Dry wins, your daughter loves you? Homer_Simpson: (AGGRAVATED) Not Duff Dry... Dallas. Barney_Gumble: Okay, okay. They're both great teams. Homer_Simpson: (LOOKING UP) Huh? Football_Announcer: Touchdown Cowboys! Homer_Simpson: All right, we're back in business. Football_Announcer: So, with three ticks left on the clock, it all comes down to this one play. If Dallas scores here, happy fans'll be looting and turning over cars in the Lone Star state tonight. Here's the handoff. Homer_Simpson: Please, please, please... Football_Announcer: Touchdown! Stick a fork in this one. It is done. The Dallas Cowboys wins Super Bowl twenty-nine. Homer_Simpson: Yes! She loves me! She loves me! Moe_Szyslak: What are you so happy about Homer? You didn't win any money. Homer_Simpson: Money comes and money goes, but what I have with my daughter can go on for eight more years! Homer_Simpson: Hi Barney. Thanks for keeping me company. Barney_Gumble: No problem. (TO MAGGIE) Well, well, if it isn't little Bart. (SCRATCHING MAGGIE'S CHIN) Remember your Uncle Barney? Hey Homer, let me hold him. Homer_Simpson: (HANDING MAGGIE OVER) All right, but just be careful. Barney_Gumble: Whoa... someone smells stinky. (SNIFFING SHIRT) Oh, it's me. Barney_Gumble: And I say, England's greatest Prime Minister was Lord Palmerston. Wade_Boggs: Pit the Elder. Barney_Gumble: (JUMPS OFF STOOL) Lord Palmerston! Wade_Boggs: (POKING BARNEY) Pit the Elder! Barney_Gumble: Okay, you asked for it, Boggs! Moe_Szyslak: (SCORNFULLY) Yeah, that's showin' him, Barney. Pit the Elder. Barney_Gumble: (IN MOE'S FACE) Lord Palmerston! Barney_Gumble: (AMAZED) Did you say one hundred and thirty million dollars? Homer_Simpson: Yeah! Moe_Szyslak: Pfft, the lottery. Exploiter of the poor and ignorant. Barney_Gumble: You know, I heard the jackpot's up to one hundred and thirty million dollars. Homer_Simpson: (SPITTING OUT BEER) One hundred and thirty million dollars! Sadistic_Barfly: C'mon boozehound! You want the twenty five cents, don't you? Keep singin'!  OH BUFFALO GALS... Young_Barfly: Who's that old rummy? Moe_Szyslak: (OFFENDED) Before his dog got sick, that "old rummy" used to be my best customer. Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) AND DANCE BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOONNNNNNNN! Sadistic_Barfly: Go get it, pal. Homer_Simpson: My quarter!!! (MOAN) Homer_Simpson: Oh, no. I went to this bar the other night, and they... Moe_Szyslak: Wha...wha... Wait a minute. You went to another bar? Homer_Simpson: Hey Moe, you got any Fudd? Moe_Szyslak: Fudd? I thought they took that off the market after all those hillbillies went blind. Homer_Simpson: Moe, I was a hundred miles outta town. Moe_Szyslak: (SADLY) Oh, Homer. Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: Keep those pickled eggs comin', Moe. Moe_Szyslak: You cleaned me out Smokin' Joe. What's the matter Homer? Cummerbund too tight? Homer_Simpson: (SADLY) I miss my couch. Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: I know how you feel. You lost a couch. I lost a heavyweight championship. Homer_Simpson: Pfft! Heavyweight championship. There's like three of those. That couch was one of a kind. Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: Homer, I know things are tough now. But one day you'll be walking along and you'll see a piece of furniture that you can love just as much.   Barney_Gumble: Oh yeah? Care to step outside? Smokin'_Joe_Frazier: Let's do it. Homer_Simpson: (FINISHING BEER) I think I'm gonna take a walk. Barney_Gumble: All right! A peanut! Barney_Gumble: Come on washer!  Homer_Simpson: Hello, work? This is Homer Simpson. I won't be coming in tomorrow -- Religious holiday... The uh, Feast of... (LOOKING AT SIGN) Maximum Occupancy. Moe_Szyslak: Pretty slick. Homer_Simpson: Well, you should join my religion, Moe. It's great. No Hell... no kneeling.... Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer.  Homer_Simpson: Moe, have you ever felt unattractive? Moe_Szyslak: Mmmm... no. Homer_Simpson: How about you, Barney? Barney_Gumble: Not for a second (BELCH). Homer_Simpson: (SIGH) I need help. Tv_Father: (WITH EACH TOSS) Whee... whee... whee.... whee... wheeeee... Tv_Father: (TO THE CAMERA) I guess every father thinks his daughter is the cutest. Jack_Larson: Well, now, there's a way to prove it. Tv_Father: Wow, president of Laramie Cigarettes, Jack Larson! Jack_Larson: This year, Laramie is sponsoring the Little Miss Springfield pageant. You see, government regulations prohibit us from advertising on TV. (HE TAKES OUT A CIGARETTE AND SMOKES IT) Ah, that sweet Carolina smoke. But they can't prohibit us from holding a beauty pageant for little girls age seven to nine. Homer_Simpson: Lisa's age seven to nine! Jack_Larson: Your daughter could be crowned Little Miss Springfield by our host, the Maitre d' of glee, Krusty the Clown! Krusty_the_Clown: I heartily endorse this event or product. Tv_Daughter: What a feeling! I'm as happy as a smoker taking that first puff in the morning. Homer_Simpson: That could be Lisa! Announcer: The Little Miss Springfield Pageant. Only 250 dollars to enter. Homer_Simpson: Hey, Barney, will you give me 250 bucks for this blimp ticket? Barney_Gumble: Sure! Homer_Simpson: (GASPS) Where'd you get all the money? Barney_Gumble: From some scientists. Since they stopped testing on animals, a guy like me can really clean up. Mrs._Powers: But it says "good for one free beer at Moe's." This is Moe's Tavern, isn't it? Moe_Szyslak: (LYING) No, this is... Bo's Cavern. Mrs._Powers: (DISGUSTED) Give me my beer.  Moe_Szyslak: Hey, just a sec, I'll check. (TO EVERYONE) Amanda Huggenkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Huggenkiss! Why can't I find Amanda Huggenkiss!   Moe_Szyslak: Ah-ha, big mistake pal! (TO SELF) I knew he'd slip up sooner or later. Moe_Szyslak: Ah, yes. Rusty and dull. Moe_Szyslak: Barney, don't steal any beer while I'm gone.  (GASP) Somebody spilled beer in this ashtray. (SLURPS IT, THEN SIGHS) Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer, phone call. Barney_Gumble: Uh-oh. My heart just stopped. (LONG BEAT) Ah, there it goes. Moe_Szyslak: Ivana Tinkle. Just a sec. Ivana Tinkle. Ivana Tinkle. All right, everybody put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle. Captain: Har, har, har. Moe_Szyslak: Here you go, Mr. Plow. A beer on the house. Barney_Gumble: Wow, Moe, you didn't even give a beer to those freed Iranian hostages. Teenage_Barney: I don't know. The SAT's are tomorrow. Moe_Szyslak: Ah, they shouldn't have been there in the first place. But Homer is a real hero. Barney_Gumble: I wish I was a hero. Homer_Simpson: Well wishing won't make it so.  Barney_Gumble: Here I come world! Homer_Simpson: How do you think he'll do, Moe? Moe_Szyslak: (PROUDLY) I think he'll do just fine. Moe_Szyslak: (TO BARNEY) Linda Ronstadt? How'd you get her? Barney_Gumble: Eh, we've been lookin' for a project to do together for a while. Linda_Ronstadt: (SINGING) WHEN THE SNOW STARTS A FALLIN'...  THAT'S KL5-4796 -- LET IT RING; /MR.  Barney_Gumble: (SINGING) SO YOU BETTER MAKE THAT CALL TO THE PLOW KING. Homer_Simpson: How could you, Barney? After all I've done for you. Teenage_Barney: (INTELLIGENT) Lachrymose is to dyspeptic as ebullient is to... (THINKS) effervescent! (CHECKS ANSWER) All right! Harvard here I come! Teenage_Barney: All right. Just one -- if it'll get you off my back. Teenage_Barney: Hey, where have (BELCHES "YOU") been all my life? Moe_Szyslak: Let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend Homer Simpson. Barney_Gumble: How long has it been? Moe_Szyslak: Six seconds. Barney_Gumble: Do we have to start over? Moe_Szyslak: Hell, no. Moe_Szyslak: (READING) "To Moe -- From Your Secret Admirer." Barney_Gumble: (GIVES A LITTLE WAVE) Yoo hoo! Moe_Szyslak: Oh, God, no. Moe_Szyslak: (SNIDE) Well, well look who it is. Mr. "I don't need alcohol to enjoy life." We hate him, right fellas? Homer_Simpson: Moe, gimme a beer. Moe_Szyslak: (CHEERY) Hey everybody! Homer's back! Moe_Szyslak: (A LITTLE TOO DESPERATE) C'mon Homer. Do it for your old pal Moesy. Barney_Gumble: But Moe.  Moe_Szyslak: Pipe down, rub-a-dub. Barney_Gumble: Ow. Homer_Simpson: Put it in the fridge, Moe. I got a date with my wife. Moe_Szyslak: You'll be back. (POINTING AROUND) And so will you... and you... And you! Barney_Gumble: Of course I'll be back. If you didn't close, I'd never leave. Anthony_Kiedis: You told our agent this place holds thirty-thousand people. Moe_Szyslak: (LYING) It does. We had thirty thousand here last night. Now play. The audience is gettin' restless. Barney_Gumble: We want Chilly Willy! We want Chilly Willy! Bart_Simpson: Hey, Red Hot Chili Peppers. Would you guys like to appear on a Krusty the Klown Special? Flea: (ASIDE) Sure -- if you get us out of this gig. Bart_Simpson: No problemo. (POINTS) Hey, Moe! Look over there. Moe_Szyslak: What?... What am I lookin' at? I don't see nothin'. I'm gonna stop looking soon... What... what, is that it? Homer_Simpson: Hey, Moe, can I look too? Moe_Szyslak: Sure, but it'll cost ya. Homer_Simpson: (EXCITED) My wallet's in the car.  And now, back to the wall... (HE STARES) Miss_Lois_Pennycandy: Here's that ruby-studded clown nose you ordered, Krusty. (HOLDS IT UP) Johnny_Carson: Now, Krusty, I just hope you remembered to save your money this time.  Chief_Wiggum: Yeah. I say, if it feels good, do it. Dr._Julius_Hibbert: All right. Chief_Wiggum: Don't snap my undies. Krusty_the_Clown: I'm a star again. (WARMLY) I don't know how to thank you kids. Bart_Simpson: That's alright, Krusty. Lisa_Simpson: We're getting 50% of the T-shirt sales. Krusty_the_Clown: (MAD) What!? That's the sweetest plum. You... little... (THEN) Ahh. What the Hell. You deserve it. Thanks kids. Bart_Simpson: To Krusty. The greatest entertainer in the world. (POINTS) Except maybe that guy. Grampa_Simpson: Is this the bus to the Civic Center? Seymour_Skinner: (SINGING) Hello... Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) Hello... Chief_Wiggum: (SINGING) Hello... Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (SINGING) Hello... All: (SINGING) HELLO, MA BABY / HELLO, MA HONEY / HELLO, MA RAGTIME, RAGTIME GAL / SEND ME A KISS BY WIRE... ETC. Homer_Simpson: Every afternoon at Moe's, Chief Wiggum, Principal Skinner, Apu and I would get together and sing... and the crowds went wild. Barney_Gumble: Yoo hoo! Homer_Simpson: (SINGS) SO GOODBYE... Chief_Wiggum: (SINGS) FAREWELL... Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (SINGS) SHOP KWIK-E-MART AND SAVE... All: GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLE / GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLE / GOODBYE MY CONEY ISLAND BABE!  Homer_Simpson: Really? Nigel_Bakerbutcher: Yeah! Nigel_Bakerbutcher: You've got... it! (DISTASTE) All except that police officer. (DISGUSTED NOISE) Too Village People. You'll have to replace him. Homer_Simpson: (SLY) Just leave it to me. Seymour_Skinner: (SHAKING HANDS) Principal Seymour Skinner. Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Apu Nahasapeemapetilon. Nigel_Bakerbutcher: Never fit on a marquee, luv. From now on, your name is Apu Du Beaumarchais. Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: It is a great dishonor to my ancestors and my God, but okay. Homer_Simpson: It was one lousy applicant after another. And then... Tenor: (SINGING) OVER IN KILLARNEY / SO MANY YEARS AGO... Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Such a voice! Seymour_Skinner: Who is that? Tenor: (SINGING) ME MITHER SANG THIS SONG TO ME / IN TONES SO SOFT AND (BELCH)... Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Barney! Crowd: (CHANTING) WIGGUM FOREVER, BARNEY NEVER! WIGGUM FOREVER, BARNEY NEVER!... Barney_Gumble: (SINGS) SWE-EE-EE-EE-EET ADELEINE. Seymour_Skinner: (SINGS) SWEET ADELEINE. Barney_Gumble: (SINGS) MY-Y-Y-Y-Y-Y ADELEINE. Seymour_Skinner: (SINGS) MY ADELEINE.... Crowd: (CHANTING) BARNEY FOREVER, WIGGUM NEVER! BARNEY FOREVER, WIGGUM NEVER!... Moe_Szyslak: Hey, those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job. Nigel_Bakerbutcher: I didn't pay any girls to scream. Moe_Szyslak: (TOO BIG) Hanh?!!! All: (AD LIB) Look at this. / We sounded great, huh? / Etc. Seymour_Skinner: Only one question remains gentlemen. What do we call ourselves? Nigel_Bakerbutcher: How about Handsome Homer Simpson Plus Three? Barney_Gumble: I like it. Seymour_Skinner: We need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it. Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: How about The Be Sharps! Seymour_Skinner: Perfect. Homer_Simpson: The Be Sharps. Seymour_Skinner: The Be Sharps. Barney_Gumble: The Be Sharps. Chief_Wiggum: The Be Sharps. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Chief_Wiggum: (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) well, can't blame a guy for trying. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Aw, you're all under arrest. Moe_Szyslak: (FRIENDLY) Hey, Barney, what'll it be? Barney_Gumble: I'd like a beer Moe. Kako: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume, served in a man's hat. Moe_Szyslak: Here you go. Lisa_Simpson: We know you're the one behind this. So knock it off or we're going to the cops. Moe_Szyslak: (QUIETLY) No no, I'll take care of it. Moe_Szyslak: Okay it's over! Get 'em out of here! Moe_Szyslak: (TO BEARS) All right, andalay! Andalay! Homer_Simpson: Sometimes you gotta go where everybody knows your name. Homer_Simpson: (VERY UP) Hi guys! Homer_Simpson: Moe, get the darts. I want to play. Moe_Szyslak: No. We're phasing out the games. People drink less when they're havin' fun. Homer_Simpson: Moe, I need your advice. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. Homer_Simpson: See, I got this friend named...(PAUSE) Joey Joe Joe Junior... (PAUSE) Schabadoo. Moe_Szyslak: That's the worst name I ever heard. Barney_Gumble: (CALLING AFTER HIM) Hey, Joey Joe Joe! Homer_Simpson: Oh, what the hell, it's me. I'm attracted to another woman. What am I going to do? Barney_Gumble: (RECITING) "Your infatuation is based on a physical attraction. Talk to the woman, and you'll realize you have nothing in common." Homer_Simpson: Barney. That is so insightful. How did you come up with that? Barney_Gumble: It was on one of these bar napkins. Homer_Simpson: Okay, we've got the secret vigilante handshake. Now we need code names. I'll be "Cueball." Skinner can be "Eightball", Barney will be "Twelveball," and Moe, you can be "Cueball."  Dr._Babcock: Excuse me? Homer_Simpson: Hello, is this President Clinton? Good.  Dr._Babcock: Are you the person that called NASA yesterday? Homer_Simpson: (GASP) No. It wasn't me, I swear. It was... him. STILLWATER: Sir, how would you like to get higher than you've ever been in your life? Barney_Gumble: Be an astronaut? Sure. STILLWATER: Well, welcome aboard. I think you'll find that this will win you the respect of your family and friends. Homer_Simpson: (GASP) Respect?! Nooo! It was me! I made the crank call. I do it all the time. Check with the FBI, I have a file. I HAVE A FIIIIILE. STILLWATER: (SHRUGGING) Eh, better take both of them. STILLWATER: I don't really think that was necessary. They wanted to be astronauts. Dr._Babcock: I know. Homer_Simpson: Hey everyone! Homer_Simpson: I'd like to introduce Ned Flanders, my best friend. Moe_Szyslak: (TO HOMER) Hey, I don't want no people in here with their evils of alcohol rap. Ned_Flanders: Wait a second.  Moe_Szyslak: I think you're taking unfair advantage of my generous offer.  Marge_Simpson: I can hit that one pin all right. But the rest of them don't even wobble. Moe_Szyslak: Lemme check. (TO BARFLIES) Phone call for Al, Al Caholic. / Uh, Jacques Strap! / Is I Pee Freely here? / Hey, is there a Butts here? Seymour Butts? Uh, Homer Sexual / My Crotch / A Amanda Huggenkiss?  Marge_Simpson: No, no, no. No, ask your heart what its fondest desire is. Homer_Simpson: Hm... Homer_Simpson: Mmmm, Chocolate... / Mmmm, invisible cola. / Mmmm, Forbidden donut. / Mmmm sacrilicious. Mmmm, (INDECIPHERABLE) / Mmmm, free goo. Mmmm, something. Marge_Simpson: No, think about people. About moments in your life that have been very romantic. Homer_Simpson: Oh, okay. Marge_Simpson: That's not the idea at all. (THINKS) Okay, well this story isn't ideal, I've never told it to you before. Marge_Simpson: I got a very thoughtless birthday present from someone who shall remain nameless. Marge_Simpson: So I actually went to the bowling alley to spite him, or her... (MORE CLIPS) Marge_Simpson: (EMBARRASSED) Oh! Marge_Simpson: I'm awfully sorry. Jacques: Entirely my fault. (PAUSE) It is nice to meet you... (LOOKS AT HER BALL)... Homer. Marge_Simpson: (FLUSTERED) Oh, no, no. Homer is my... ball's name. I'm Marge. Jacques: Your fingers are so slender, so feminine. They are far too tapered for the ball you are using. You need something lighter, more delicate. Here, use my ball. Marge_Simpson: No... no, thank you, Mr... uh... (LOOKS AT THE NAME ON HIS BALL)... Brunswick. Jacques: Call me Jacques. Marge_Simpson: Jacques. Jacques: Marge. Marge_Simpson: Hmmm. Jacques: May I ask you a bold question? Marge_Simpson: Sure. Jacques: You've never bowled before? Marge_Simpson: Never. Jacques: No? Marge_Simpson: No. Jacques: Then I will teach you. Marge_Simpson: Oh, I don't want to trouble you. Jacques: Not at all. I am a professional. Roll the ball for me, Marge. Let me see your form. Marge_Simpson: All right. But I'm not very good. Jacques: I can help you, Marge. Pick up the ball. Pick up Homer. Pick him up. Marge_Simpson: Oh! Jacques: Now, throw! Marge_Simpson: But...   Lenny_Leonard: (SHIFTY EYED) Hey, Moe. You got change for a five? Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, sure thing, Lenny. Moe_Szyslak: Ow! Ow! Ooh! Ow! A snake in the cash register. (LAUGHS) Great prank, fellas, great.   Moe_Szyslak: (GENUINELY ENTHUSED) Do I?! Moe_Szyslak: (LAUGHS, PATTING OUT FLAMES) I'm burnin' up, here. Ooh, ooh, taking advantage of my alcohol soaked clothes. (LAUGHS) It's funny and it makes you think. Moe_Szyslak: (SERIOUS) Oh I need some coffee before I black out. Homer, pass me the sugar. Homer_Simpson: (TO HIMSELF) This is gonna to be great. Moe_Szyslak: Ooh! Barney_Gumble: Geez! Moe_Szyslak: Oh, there's sugar all over the bar now. Lenny_Leonard: That's not funny, Homer. Barney_Gumble: Yeah, we were just messin' around. And you had to go too far. Moe_Szyslak: How many people want Homer banned from this place for life? Moe_Szyslak: Yeah! Homer_Simpson: (PLEADING) Ah, come on, everybody. This bar is like a tavern to me. Moe_Szyslak: Sorry, Homer. You should have thought of that before you gave me the old sugar-me-do. I'm taking your caricature down from Mt. Lushmore. Moe_Szyslak: And I'm pulling your favorite song out of the juke box. Homer_Simpson: (GASP) "It's Raining Men?" Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, not no more it ain't. Waylon_Smithers: Oww. (READING LABEL, SUDDENLY INTRIGUED) Ohh... Homer_Simpson: (CHUCKLES) Jokes on them. I'm still alive. Man: (VERY POLITE) Greetings, good man. Might I trouble you for a drink? Moe_Szyslak: Oh, get outta here, Homer. Man: (TOO INNOCENT) "Homer?" Who is Homer? My name is Guy Incognito. Homer_Simpson: (GASPS) Gr-aargh! Oh my God, this man is my exact double. (GASPS WITH EQUAL ASTONISHMENT) That dog has a puffy tail! Homer_Simpson: Here, Puff! Here Puff! (GIGGLES) Homer_Simpson: The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking.  Homer_Simpson: (PUZZLED) Ooh, my liver hurts. Moe_Szyslak: Sure, Homer, I can loan you all the money you need. However (HE LEANS IN CONFIDENTIALLY) since you have no collateral, I'm gonna have to break your legs in advance. Homer_Simpson: (LOOKING AT HIS LEGS) Gosh, Moe, I use these all the time.  Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey! Are you a loan shark? Do you understand how finance works?  Barney_Gumble: There's a line in "Othello" about a drinker -- "now a sensible man, by and by a fool, and presently a beast." That pretty well covers it. Woman: It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender -- he has the soul of a poet. Barney_Gumble: (TURNING TO HER) You're very kind.  Barney_Gumble: It didn't die. Barney_Gumble: My name is Barney and I'm an alcoholic. Lisa_Simpson: Mr. Gumbel, this is a Girl Scout meeting. Barney_Gumble: Is it? Or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem? Kent_Brockman: And tonight the following celebrities have been arrested: Kent_Brockman: ...while Heather Locklear Fortensky remains at large. Remember, if you see any celebrities, consider them dangerous. HUGH: You know, I rather like this pub. Moe_Szyslak: (POURING) Oh, an English boy, eh?   Moe_Szyslak: That's true. Homer_Simpson: Hugh, there's something I want you to have. My Dad gave me his cuff links to wear on the day I married Marge, and they brought us good luck. I couldn't imagine a happier marriage. We don't have many traditions in our family, but it'd mean a lot to me if you kept this one alive. HUGH: (MOVED) Well I'd be honored... HUGH: (FINISHING WITH LESS ENTHUSIASM) ...to wear... those... things. Bart_Simpson: Ow! Hey watch those virtual darts. I'm trying to play virtual pool! Other_Player: Ow! Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, no fightin' in my bar. Moe_Szyslak: Hey! If you guys are getting loaded off them fumes, I'm gonna have to charge ya. Barney_Gumble: These fumes aren't as fun as beer. Sure, I'm all dizzy and nauseous, but where's the inflated sense of self-esteem? Male_Inspector: (SHOCKED) Man alive! There are men alive in here! Female_Inspector: I'm detecting over twenty different toxins in the air. Male_Inspector: All right, everybody out! As long as Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed. Moe_Szyslak: Damn Burns... (STEELY-EYED RAGE) Lemme just get one thing. Barney_Gumble: Me too. Barney_Gumble: Ahhhh, now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem. Barney_Gumble: Wow! You mean you were one of the original Little Rascals? Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. Homer_Simpson: Which one were you?   Moe_Szyslak: No. I was the tough kid. Smelly. My shtick was looking into an exhaust pipe and gettin' a faceful of soot. Heh, nobody could do that better than me. Of course, it was kinda hard to think of reasons for me to look in that exhaust pipe every time, but you know, we had good writers. William Faulkner could write an exhaust pipe gag that would really make you think. Barney_Gumble: If you were such a big shot, why aren't you still making movies? Barney_Gumble: Moe?... Moe? Moe_Szyslak: Oh no! My favorite aggie!  You... That's my bit ya...  Director: Cut! Stagehand: Oh my God! He's killed the original Alfalfa! Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. Luckily, Alfalfa was an orphan owned by the studio. All: (MURMUR UNDERSTANDING ASSENT) Oh, I see / Yeah / That makes sense. Kent_Brockman: With wealthy Hollywood people on the way, local merchants can be forgiven for raising their prices a little. Barney_Gumble: (FLAILING) Agh! Natural light! Get it off me! Get it off me! Dr._Julius_Hibbert: (LOOKING AROUND) Oh, I'm sorry. I thought this was a family restaurant. Moe_Szyslak: (LYING) Oh, it is. It is. Just, uh, pull them stools up to the pool table. Little_Hibbert_Girl: Daddy, this place smells like tinkle. Dr._Julius_Hibbert: Mmm-hmm, I think we'll just go to The Texas Cheesecake Depository. Moe_Szyslak: Everybody is goin' to family restaurants these days. Seems nobody wants to hang out in a dank pit no more. Carl_Carlson: Ya ain't thinking of gettin' rid of the dank, are ya, Moe? Moe_Szyslak: Uh, maybe I am. Carl_Carlson: Aw, but Moe, the dank. The dank! Moe_Szyslak: (LOST IN THOUGHT) Yeah. Family restaurants. That's where the big bucks are. I could turn this joint into a place where you wouldn't be ashamed to bring your family, huh? Homer_Simpson: I'm not ashamed. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, put a coaster under that. Moe_Szyslak: So come on. I need a name that says friendly, all-American cooking. Homer_Simpson: How about Chairman Moe's Magic Wok? Barney-Shaped_Form: I like it! Moe_Szyslak: Nah. I want something that says people can have a nice, relaxing time. Homer_Simpson: I got it! Madman Moe's Pressure Cooker! Barney-Shaped_Form: I like it! Moe_Szyslak: (SNAPS FINGERS, INSPIRED) Hey, how about Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag? Barney-Shaped_Form: I hate it. Moe_Szyslak: Oh boy. The deep fryer's here. Moe_Szyslak: I got it used from the Navy. You can flash-fry a buffalo in forty seconds. Homer_Simpson: Forty seconds? (WHINING) But I want it now. Moe_Szyslak: G'on, take it all.  Barney_Gumble: You know, Moe, you might want to keep the fire extinguishers. Moe_Szyslak: Nah. Too many bad memories. Barney_Gumble: Well, look at the bright side, Moe. You still got us. Moe_Szyslak: (CHEERING UP) Yeah. Yeah, you know, that actually makes me feel a little better. Homer_Simpson: Why? That was the problem in the first place. You were going broke because we were your only customers. Wasn't that the problem in the first place? That you were going broke... Moe? Homer_Simpson: Moe? Hey, Moe? Oh, you're thinking about all the money you blew, aren'tcha? Homer_Simpson: What was it? 50-60 thousand dollars? ... Moe? Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning... Moe? Moe_Szyslak: What? Homer_Simpson: Let me get a pad.... Moe_Szyslak: Gee, business stinks tonight. Where's Barney, Lenny, and Carl? Homer_Simpson: Ahhh... they never come around anymore now that they've got their (ROLLING EYES) mistresses. Moe_Szyslak: (SOTTO, LOOKING AT HOMER) Eh, might as well close the dump. Mayor_Joe_Quimby: I'm gonna drink you under the table. Quimby_#2: No, I am going to drink you under the... Quimbys: (DISAPPOINTED) Awwww. Homer_Simpson: (SIGHS) Well, you're closing. It's getting late. My kids are probably wondering where their daddy is. (DESPERATE) There's gotta be some other place we can go. Think, Moe. Think. Homer_Simpson: (RINGING BELL) Hear ye, hear ye, my daughter has something to tell you about Jebediah Springfield. Moe_Szyslak: Aw, the little cutie wants to do something cute...  Go ahead, angel. Lisa_Simpson: Jebediah Springfield was nothing more than an evil, blood-thirsty pirate who hated this town! Moe_Szyslak: (SLOW & HORRIFIED) Good God. (TURNS TO HOMER) Homer, y'know I support most any prejudice you can name, but your hero-phobia sickens me. You and your daughter ain't welcome here no more. Barney, show 'em the exit. Barney_Gumble: There's an exit? Moe_Szyslak: (UNDER HIS BREATH) "Evil blood-thirsty pirate"... Hello, Town Jubilation Committee? I got something that's going to make you a lot less jubilant. Moe_Szyslak: Moe's Tavern. C._Montgomery_Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name, Waylon. Moe_Szyslak: Oh, so you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh? First name, Waylon, is it?  Okay? Then I'm going to use your tongue to paint my boat. Waylon_Smithers: Uh, hello. You had a "help wanted" sign in the window? Moe_Szyslak: Uh, yeah, I need someone to help me with the midnight beer delivery. Your job is to distract Barney until it's safely off the truck. Waylon_Smithers: I'll just wait out back until then. Barney_Gumble: I look forward to working with you! Homer_Simpson: Mr. Smithers, wait! Homer_Simpson: You can't let yourself end up in a place like this. You've got two choices: You can give up on yourself and take the Barney-guarding job, like so many of us have contemplated in our darkest moments. Or you can admit to yourself there's only one person that can make you happy and do whatever it takes to get them back.  But I'm going to need your help. Moe_Szyslak: Oh,... my... God!... Truck_Driver: Beer delivery. Just sign here-- (HORRIFIED) Oh, no, it's you!! Homer_Simpson: (TIPSY) Aw, hell. Well... What about Dracula? Homer_Simpson: (TIPSY) Troy, buddy, I gotta know. What's a great guy like you wanna marry a guy like Selma? Homer_Simpson: Okay. Moe_Szyslak: Twenty-five? (LAUGHS) Whoa! Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. S., but you know, I gotta check everybody. Bart_Simpson: (JOVIAL) Are you kidding? I take it as a compliment! (CHUCKLE) Three beers, please! Barney_Gumble: Hey, join the party! (SICKLY, PATHETIC BURP) Moe_Szyslak: (ON PHONE) Ura Snotball? Moe_Szyslak: Say, ah, Barn. Remember when I said I'd have to send away to NASA to calculate your bar tab? Barney_Gumble: (CHUCKLES) Oh yeah, we all had a good laugh, Moe. Moe_Szyslak: (DEAD SERIOUS) The results came back today. Moe_Szyslak: (READING) You owe me... 70 billion dollars. (BEAT) No, wait, wait, wait... Oh, that's uh, for the Voyager Space Craft. (BEAT) Your tab's 14 billion dollars. Barney_Gumble: Well, alls I got is two thousand bucks. Moe_Szyslak: (CONSIDERING) Well, that's halfway there. Snake_Jailbird: (TO MOE) Huh. Freeze, dude.  Moe_Szyslak: (MUFFLED) I'm behind three inches of bullet-proof glass. Do your worst. Snake_Jailbird: (REASONABLE) All right. Moe_Szyslak: No! Stay outta there! Stay outta there! Aw, Good God, no!! Snake_Jailbird: Whoa, goodbye student loan payments! Ha-ha! Moe_Szyslak: Come back here, you stinkin' -- (LOOKS AROUND, A BIT CONCERNED) Hey, I wonder how much air is in here. Moe_Szyslak: Ya know what really aggravazes me, is them immiggants. They want all the benefits of livin' in Springfield, but they ain't even bothered to learn themselves the language. Homer_Simpson: Yeah. Those are exactly my sentimonies. Moe_Szyslak: Eh, you said it, Barn. Jimbo's_Dad: That's for tellin' me how to raise my lousy kid! Dolph's_Dad: This is for the crummy life I've had to live! (THROWS ANOTHER PUNCH) Homer_Simpson: (STILL REASONABLE) The thing is -- oof! -- Bart really loves that belt and -- ugh! Kearney's_Dad: Hey, somethin's wrong with this guy! He's not fallin' down! Moe_Szyslak: Fun's over, fellas. If you're gonna beat up my friend in my bar, there's a two-drink minimum. Moe_Szyslak: Jeez, Homer, I never seen a guy stand up to that kinda punishment -- I mean, you took a three-man poundin' and didn't ever fall down. Homer_Simpson: (GLUM) Big deal. I didn't even get my kid's belt back.  Moe_Szyslak: (EXCITED) There ya go! That's the spirit! Homer, I seen prizefighters couldn't take a punch half as good as you! (GETTING A BIG IDEA) Y'know, boxing might be right up your alley! Homer_Simpson: (PERKING UP) Really? Moe_Szyslak: Aw, please, it's the good life, Homer. Some of these boxers, they eat steak and lobster and salad bar all in a single meal! Homer_Simpson: (GASP OF AWE) Dressing? Moe_Szyslak: Their choice. Homer_Simpson: You really think I could do it? Moe_Szyslak: Well, I dunno, are you man enough to test every one of your limits? Homer_Simpson: Yes!  Homer_Simpson: Yes! Moe_Szyslak: ("THE CLINCHER") And are you man enough to give me a sixty percent cut? Homer_Simpson: YES!! Moe_Szyslak: I'll take it!! Homer_Simpson: Woo hoo! Moe_Szyslak: Now, Homer, if I'm gonna manage your boxing career, I wantcha to have complete faith in me. C'mere, lemme show ya somethin'... Homer_Simpson: Wow! I've never been in here before! Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, well, when I realized we hadn't had no ladies in here since 1979, I turned it into an office. Homer_Simpson: You used to be a boxer just like me? Moe_Szyslak: Yep. They called me "Kid Gorgeous." Later on, it was "Kid Presentable." Then "Kid Gruesome." And finally, "Kid Moe." Homer_Simpson: (NOTICING SOMETHING) Hey, what's this? Moe_Szyslak: Aw, that -- that's my old spit bucket. Yeah, I been meanin' to empty that out. Homer_Simpson: (GASP) You know Lucius Sweet? He's one of the biggest names in boxing! He's exactly as rich and as famous as Don King, and he looks just like him, too. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, he was my manager. Back when I was gorgeous, everybody wanted a piece of me. But somehow I just never made it to the big time. Homer_Simpson: Why not? Moe_Szyslak: 'Cause I got knocked out forty times in a row. That, plus politics. You know, it's all politics... Homer_Simpson: (IN BITTER AGREEMENT) Lousy Democrats. Barney_Gumble: Man, you'd never get me into a ring. Boxing causes brain damage! Moe_Szyslak: Okay. You're fighting a guy named Boxcar Bob. Homer_Simpson: Brawled his way up from the boxcars, did he? Moe_Szyslak: Uh, no. Not yet. He still lives at the train yard. But he's a hungry young fighter. In fact, he's actually fighting for a sandwich. Moe_Szyslak: Homer, I want you to have my lucky mitts. I hope you do better with 'em than I did. Homer_Simpson: (TOUCHED) Gee, thanks, Moe... What's this? Moe_Szyslak: Aw, that's the barbed wire. Heh. We, uh, we called that "The Stinger." They... they don't let you use that no more.  You don't wanna get drawn into a boxing match here. Bart_Simpson: Way to go, Dad! Take those punches! Lenny_Leonard: Man, that tramp's got the energy of a hobo! Carl_Carlson: Yeah, he never stops punching... 'cept to check on his bindle. Moe_Szyslak: Okay, Homer, he's tired! He's tired! Now's your chance! Nudge him! Nudge him! LUCIUS: Hello, Moe. Delightful to see you again. Moe_Szyslak: (AWED) Lucius! Hey, what's a glitterati like you doin' in my dump? I--I thought you were managing the Champ. LUCIUS: Yes, managing Drederick has been my highest priority, even though he is temporarily incarcerated for pushing his mother down the stairs. But with his impending release, I've been strategizing for his glorious return to the shores of fistiana. Moe_Szyslak: Uh, what? LUCIUS: (BEAT) His comeback fight. You know, boxing. Moe_Szyslak: Oh, oh, man. Yeah, well, who's donatin' his body for that one? Huh? LUCIUS: Well, word is you manage a stalwart young pugilist who cannot be knocked down. Moe_Szyslak: (INCREDULOUS) Homer? You want Homer to fight Tatum? LUCIUS: Well, the fans are weary of fights that are over before they have an opportunity to even get drunk. I just need a body who can sustain verticality for three rounds. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah.  Tatum'll fustigate him! LUCIUS: Well, fustigation aside, Moe, you've got a choice: you can either sit here in the ladies room with your faded memories, or you can take your last shot at the big time. (DRAMATIC) And I can make it happen. LUCIUS: Three rounds, that's all I ask. Moe_Szyslak: I gotta be honest with ya, Homer. I didn't bring you up here to show you my new tar-paper. Homer_Simpson: (NAIVELY) You... didn't? Moe_Szyslak: No. Homer, how would you like to be Heavyweight Champion of the World? Homer_Simpson: Uh, sure. Moe_Szyslak: Great. All you gotta do is fight Drederick Tatum. It's this Saturday. Here's your parking pass. Homer_Simpson: (IMPRESSED) Ooh, "General!" (BEAT) Who's Drederick Tatum, anyway? Is he another hobo? Moe_Szyslak: (EVASIVE) Uh, you know what? I'm gonna have to check on that... Homer_Simpson: Well, I trust you, Moe. If you say I can beat this guy, then he doesn't stand a chance. Larry: Everybody go nuts, I'm buyin'! (TO MOE) Hey, Handsome, send the bill to my dad. Moe_Szyslak: Okay, but the last guy who charged a drink to Burns turned up in a landfill. Barney_Gumble: Yeah. (REMEMBERING FONDLY) But it was worth it! Larry: What's everybody in this burg have against my Dad? He's a pussycat. I tell ya, he's a doll-baby. (TO HOMER) Come on over, I'll show ya! Kirk_Van_Houten: Homer! I want you to meet my new special lady. Say hello to Starla. Starla: Can I have the keys to the car, lover? I feel like changing wigs. Kirk_Van_Houten: Okay. Kirk_Van_Houten: Starla's a temp at K-ZUG ('KAY-ZUGG') Radio 530. She's going to help me launch my singing career. Kirk_Van_Houten: My car! Kirk_Van_Houten: Oh! My demo tape! Homer_Simpson: (READING) "Can I Borrow A Feeling?" (LAUGHS) "Can I Borrow A Feeling?" (STILL LAUGHING) There's your picture on the front. Kirk_Van_Houten: Go ahead, Homer. Laugh at me. Homer_Simpson: I already did. Kirk_Van_Houten: You know why all this happened, don't you? 'Cause I took my marriage for granted. Y'know, in twelve years, I never once helped out with the housework. Homer_Simpson: Oh yeah. You gotta do that. Kirk_Van_Houten: I could've at least stayed in shape for her. Homer_Simpson: Oh, and for yourself. Kirk_Van_Houten: I could've taken just a little time to... to make her feel special. Homer_Simpson: It can't just be sex. It can't. Kirk_Van_Houten: God, I was so self-centered. No wonder I didn't see it coming.  Homer_Simpson: (UNDERSTANDING) Ooh, that's tough, pal. But it's never going to happen to me. Kirk_Van_Houten: Oh, how do you know? What makes you guys so special? Homer_Simpson: 'Cause Marge and I have one thing that can never be broken: a strong marriage built on a solid foundation of routine. Homer_Simpson: Carl? Homer_Simpson: Hey, Barney! Soul mate! Let me buy you a beer. Barney_Gumble: Okay, but I'm not your soul mate. I'm really more of a chum. Homer_Simpson: Well what about you, Lenny? Lenny_Leonard: (HELPFUL) I'm a crony. Carl_Carlson: I'd say acquaintance. Sam: Call me sympathizer. Bumblebee_Man: Compadre. Kearney_Zzyzwicz: Associate. Dr._Julius_Hibbert: Contemporary. Moe_Szyslak: I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm. Moe_Szyslak: Another Duff, Homer? Homer_Simpson: Nah, it's Friday night Moe. I wanna try something special. Moe_Szyslak: Uh, sure, sure. Moe_Szyslak: Uh, here you go. Düff. (DOOF) From Sweden. (NERVOUS CHUCKLE) Homer_Simpson: Skoal! (SIPS) Wait a minute -- this is Duff! Moe_Szyslak: (NASTY LAUGH) Ah, ha ha, you got me, didn't ya?  Homer_Simpson: Hmm, bold -- refreshing... and something I can't quite put my finger on. Homer_Simpson: Well, it's one a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids. Moe_Szyslak: Just a second, Homer, you gotta take a breathalyzer test before I let you drive home. Homer_Simpson: Eh, I guess I'll walk home. Fox_Mulder: All right, Homer. We want you to recreate your every move the night you saw this alien. Homer_Simpson: Well, the evening began at the Gentleman's Club, where we were discussing Wittgenstein over a game of backgammon. Dana_Scully: Mr. Simpson, it's a felony to lie to the FBI. Homer_Simpson: (ASHAMED) We were sitting in Barney's car eating packets of mustard. Ya happy?  If I wasn't married, I'd go out with you like that. Homer_Simpson: (DRUNK, REMORSEFUL) I am so sorry. Whatever you do, don't tell Marge. God, I love her. I-- (LOOKING DOWN) Hey, a penny! Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, who are you guys anyhow? Fox_Mulder: Agents Mulder and Scully, FBI. Moe_Szyslak: (EDGY) FBI, huh? Uh, S'cuse me. Homer_Simpson: (DIMLY) Oh yeah. Moe_Szyslak: Here you go, Homer. Homer_Simpson: Thanks, Moe. Moe_Szyslak: (GENEROUSLY) Aw, Homer. You know your money's no good here. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, wait a minute -- this is real money! Homer_Simpson: (PROUDLY) Yeah, my wife is raking it in. Fat_Tony: (CLEARS THROAT) Greetings, Homer. Homer_Simpson: (HAPPY TO SEE HIM) Hey, Fat Tony! You still with the Mafia? Fat_Tony: (LOOKING AROUND NERVOUSLY) Uh, uh, yes. I am. Thank you for asking. Now Homer, as you no doubt recall, you were done a favor by our, uh... how shall I say, Mafia crime syndicate. Fat_Tony: Now, the time has come for you to do us a favor. Homer_Simpson: (SHOCKED AND HURT) You mean the mob only did me a favor to get something in return? Oh, Fat Tony... (INDIGNANT) I will say good day to you, sir. Fat_Tony: (ASHAMED) Okay, I will go. Fat_Tony: (REALIZING) Hey, wait a minute. Moe_Szyslak: (HANGING UP) Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.  Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: The South shall "come again!"  Moe_Szyslak: (NOT SURPRISED) Where ya been, Homer?  Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, aerospace, too. And the railroads. And ya know what else? (NODS KNOWINGLY) Broadway! Barney_Gumble: I always hoped Bart'd grow up to be just like us. What happened? Moe_Szyslak: Oh, it ain't no mystery -- whole modern world got a swishifyin' effect on kids today.  You gotta do it yourself, Homer. And you gotta do it fast. Homer_Simpson: But what would turn Bart into a man fast? You have to think for me! Moe_Szyslak: Well, lessee now... uh, time was, you'd send a boy off to war. Shootin' a man'd fix him right up. (MAD) But there's not even any wars no more thank you very much Warren Christopher! Barney_Gumble: Hey, better yet, Bart could shoot a deer. That's like shooting a beautiful man! Moe_Szyslak: Hey, he's right, Homer. After the boy bags a deer, all the diet sodas in the world won't turn him back. Then you just sit back and watch the grandkids roll in! Homer_Simpson: (CONSIDERS IT) Hunting, eh? Homer_Simpson: (WHINY MOAN) It's been St. Patrick's Day for hours and I'm still not drunk yet. (LOOKS AT WATCH) Oh, it's never gonna be nine o'clock. Homer_Simpson: Oh, Moe, thank God you're here!  Lenny_Leonard: We kicked down the back door, but then there was a metal door.  This is the busiest drinkin' day of the year. Where are the designated drivers? Moe_Szyslak: Beat it! I got no room for cheapskates. Homer_Simpson: Look at me! I'm the Prime Minister of Ireland!  Bart_Simpson: (MENACING) What are yew lookin' at? Moe_Szyslak: Who wants a bathtub mint julep? Moe_Szyslak: (WRITING) "Barney Gumbel". Homer_Simpson: Oh, I can't believe it. I've got an enemy. Me! The most beloved man in Springfield. Moe_Szyslak: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither. Homer_Simpson: (SHAKING HEAD) No, I won't accept that. Moe_Szyslak: No, it's true. I've got their names written down right here, in what I call my, uh, "enemies list". Barney_Gumble: (READING) Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey, this is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours. Moe_Szyslak: Okay, gimme that. Gimme it back! Homer_Simpson: (MOROSE) Oh, what'll I do, Moe? Moe_Szyslak: Well, why don't you invite him over to dinner. Turn him from an enemy into a friend. Then when he's not expecting it, bam! The old fork in the eye. Homer_Simpson: Do you think it might work without the fork in the eye? Moe_Szyslak: There's always a first time. Barney_Gumble: (TO CHAUFFEUR) Thanks for the lift! Barney_Gumble: Well, ah, I better go. I've got a date with that lady in front of the drug store who's always yelling things. Moe_Szyslak: (HURT, TO SELF) She told me she was washin' her hair tonight. (SIGHS) I'm so desperately lonely.  Moe_Szyslak: (LOOKING AROUND) Wh... who said that? Grampa_Simpson: I did. It's me, Abe Simpson. Moe_Szyslak: But you're dea-d-d-dead. (THREE STOOGES SCARED SOUND) Grampa_Simpson: (UPBEAT) I was! But I've come back... as your love testing machine! Grampa_Simpson: I'm the love-matic Grampa!  Singers: NOW HE'S THE LOVE-MATIC GRAMPA! / THE WISE SOCRATIC GRAMPA! / (SWELLING, MUSHY) AND HE'LL FILL OUR HEARTS WITH LOVE! Grampa_Simpson: Don't be afraid, Moe. I'm here to help you with your romantic problems. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, I don't need no advice from no pinball machine. I'll have you know I wrote the book on love. Grampa_Simpson: Yeah -- "All Quiet On The Western Front!"  Grampa_Simpson: See? That's your problem.  Ladies like sweet talkers. Moe_Szyslak: (DEFENSIVE) Hey, I'm sweet. I'm sweeter than Jewish wine. Homer_Simpson: Barney, where's my car?!! Grampa_Simpson: Then prove it. I want you to charm the next pretty young thing that walks through that door. Homer_Simpson: (CATCH-PHRASE) Ah, grrrreetings! Grampa_Simpson: Son, it's me! I floated up toward heaven, but got lost along the way! Homer_Simpson: (GASP; AWED) Dad? Is that really you? Grampa_Simpson: Darn tootin', ya lousy fink!  What kind of a son-- Homer_Simpson: (DISMISSIVE SNORT) Call me when you get a karaoke machine. Grampa_Simpson: That's the second time he pulled the plug on me. Betty: I was just in a car accident. Can I use your phone? Moe_Szyslak: Uh, usin' the phone's a four-drink minimum. Moe_Szyslak: (ASIDE TO GRAMPA) What's the matter? I'm making as nice as I can. Grampa_Simpson: (TRYING TO SOUND MECHANICAL) Test- lady. Test-lady. Moe_Szyslak: G'ahead. Give it a try. Moe_Szyslak: It goes by how clammy your hands are. Betty: Well, I suppose I could use a laugh after that accident. Grampa_Simpson: (TRYING TO SOUND MECHANICAL) Lovelorn. You-need-man. Moe-near-now. Go-near- Moe. Betty: (CONFUSED) What? Moe_Szyslak: (EXPLAINING) "Go near Moe." I'd say that's a pretty strong endorsement.  You know, out back. Moe_Szyslak: I mean, uh, out to dinner at a fancy French restaurant? Betty: (SEXY) Sounds great. And if this Love Tester's as accurate as it looks, maybe we'll be having breakfast, too. Moe_Szyslak: You did it, Grampa! You really are a love expert. Grampa_Simpson: Dang right! Fact is, I invented kissing. It was during World War One, and they were looking for a new way to spread germs... Moe_Szyslak: Wha-- Uh-oh. Here comes the evening rush. Clear out, fellas.  / Let's get started. / Some serious drinkin'. / (ETC.) Homer_Simpson: 'Evening, Moe. Barney_Gumble: 'Morning, Moe. Chauffeur: Here we are, Mr. Gumbel. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, all right. Listen up, guys. The Springfield Police have told me that 91 per cent of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I know, I know. But the bad news is we gotta start having designated drivers. Moe_Szyslak: We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope. Moe_Szyslak: Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg.  Barney_Gumble: NOOOOOOOOOO! Homer_Simpson: (TO BARNEY) You got the black one. Homer_Simpson: Hey everybody, I'm Peter Pantsless! (LAUGHS) Barney_Gumble: (PAINED MOAN) I can't take this much longer. I gotta have a beer. Barney_Gumble: (HORRIFIED) Oh, no. Oh, no. Not tonight. Not tonight! Duffman: (PARTY VOICE) Are you ready to get Duffed? Lenny_Leonard: Hey, it's Duffman! The guy in a costume that creates awareness of Duff! Duffman: Duffman wants to party down with the man who sent in ten thousand Duff labels to bring me here today. I've got a bottomless mug of new "Duff Extra Cold" for... (READS CARD) BARNEY GUMBEL! Cheerleaders: (CHEERS AND:) Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Barney_Gumble: (STRAINING) I can't! I'm the designated driver! Duffman: (PERFUNCTORY, BRUSQUE) Ehhh... That's swell. Duff wholeheartedly supports the designated driver program... Now, who wants to party?! Moe_Szyslak: Face it, Homer, the car is gone. Barney ain't never comin' back. Barney_Gumble: (SHAKY) All I remember about the last two months is giving a guest lecture at Villanova. (BEAT) Or maybe it was a streetcorner. Homer_Simpson: (QUIET ANGER) So you lost my car, eh? Well, that's just grand.  Moe_Szyslak: (COVERING) Uh, that's a parasol. Homer_Simpson: Well, Moe, this is it. Today's the day I get my new air conditioner. Moe_Szyslak: Congratulations. Who's the little chick? Lisa_Simpson: I'm Lisa! Homer_Simpson: (TO MOE, PROUDLY) She has a gift. Lisa_Simpson: You have thirteen pickled eggs in this jar! (CUTE) And one cockroach! Moe_Szyslak: (DISPLEASED CHUCKLE) Who are you, sweetheart, the health inspector? Man_At_Bar: No, but I am. Moe_Szyslak: Uh... here, have a margarita. Homer_Simpson: But you can't leave! We're scammin' an old lady at my house and I need a place to hide out. Moe_Szyslak: Ah, sorry Homer, I've been planning this vacation for years. I'm finally gonna see Easter Island. Homer_Simpson: Oh, right. With the giant heads. Moe_Szyslak: With the what now? Lenny_Leonard: Hey, you seen Apu lately? He looks terrible. Carl_Carlson: Yeah, rumor has it Marge threw him out. Barney_Gumble: Aw, tough break. She's a beautiful lady. Moe_Szyslak: You got that straight, Barn. Barney_Gumble: (RAISING GLASSES) To Marge! Homer_Simpson: Moe, what do you recommend for severe depression? Moe_Szyslak: Booze, booze and more booze. Lenny_Leonard: Ha! Nothin' like a depressant to chase the blues away. Lenny_Leonard: Yeah, you got that... / Oh yeah. / Uh-huh. Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Oof, Manjula and I have not seen each other in twenty years. Two people cannot fall in love sight-unseen. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hold on there! I'm countin' on that. Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Well, just twenty-four hours of freedom left... Homer_Simpson: (CHECKING WATCH, CHIPPER) Actually, it's more like twelve.  It's seven hours. You have seven hours. (SHOWING APU WATCH) See? Seven. Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: (SAD MOAN, THEN SINGING DIRGE-LIKE) "WELL, I'M HOT BLOODED / CHECK IT AND SEE / I'VE GOT A FEVER OF A HUNDRED AND THREE..." Homer_Simpson: C'mon. You shouldn't be spending your last hours of bachelorhood in a dump like this. Homer_Simpson: You should be livin' like there's no tomorrow. And I know just the place. Homer_Simpson: Ahh. Is this the life, or what? Jasper_Beardly: (REACHING FOR A SWITCH) You want me to turn on the bubbles? Moe_Szyslak: Geez, this hot-rod is souped up six ways from Sunday. Never had you figured for a gear-head, Homer. Homer_Simpson: (CASUAL) Oh, yeah. I'm a real expert. Moe_Szyslak: What is that? A six-barrel Hollye carb? Homer_Simpson: You betcha. Moe_Szyslak: Edelbrock intakes... Homer_Simpson: Nothin' but. Moe_Szyslak: Meyerhof lifters... Homer_Simpson: Oh yeah. Moe_Szyslak: I made that last one up. Homer_Simpson: (KEEPING DIGNITY) I see. Moe_Szyslak: Sounds like you're having a rough Christmas, Homer. You know what I blame this on the breakdown of? Society. Homer_Simpson: (DRUNK) Yeah, you're right, Moe. You're always Moe. Barney_Gumble: Homer, look! Your house is on TV! Homer_Simpson: (PISSED) You take that back, Barney! Moe_Szyslak: Nah, he's right, Homer. Homer_Simpson: Stay out of this, old man. Kent_Brockman: Dateline: Kent Brockman. I'm here at the scene of the Christmas burglary, where a creature was stirring last night. And what he was "stirring" was "up trouble." Kent_Brockman: Is your husband or lover here, ma'am? Marge_Simpson: No. My husband is... at church. Homer_Simpson: (INTOXICATED SMILE) Aw, that's my girl. I love you, Marjorie. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, she's quite a gal.  Kent_Brockman: So when you realized Christmas was ruined, how did you feel? Marge_Simpson: How do you think I felt? Kent_Brockman: Absolutely devastated. (TURNS TO CAMERA) "Absolutely devastated." The words of a heart-broken mother.  No sweater for little Lisa. No Cajun sausage for little Homer... Kent_Brockman: (SNEERING) So while you're home today eating your sweet, sweet holiday turkey, I hope you'll all choke just a little bit. Moe_Szyslak: So this was all a scam. (DISGUSTED) And on Christmas. Barney_Gumble: Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave. Chief_Wiggum: Ah, isn't that illegal? Krusty_the_Clown: (ENTHUSIASTICALLY) Hey, hey! Marge_Simpson: (READING SIGN) Four drink minimum? Homer_Simpson: (PATS STOMACH) I'll cover ya, honey. Moe_Szyslak: Hi. How you folks doin'? I'm Moe.  (TAPPING MIC) Uh, is this thing on? Barney_Gumble: No. Sorry, Moe. Moe_Szyslak: (CLEARS THROAT) And now, without further Apu... Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: Woo! I have been zinged and I love it. Moe_Szyslak: ...the last angry clown, the man who spews truth from every orifice, ladies and gentlemen... Krusty! Krusty_the_Clown: (COOL INDIFFERENCE) Yeah, yeah, yeah. Krusty_the_Clown: So, I'm watchin' TV today... Homer_Simpson: (CLAPPING) Woo! TV! Yeah! Krusty_the_Clown: All I keep seein' is dead celebrities hawkin' products! They got poor Vincent Price floatin' around on a toilet cake tellin' me about the "horrors" of an unfresh bowl... Krusty_the_Clown: And I'll tell ya somethin' else, I do not believe Winston Churchill would eat at Der Wienerschnitzel! Krusty_the_Clown: There's nothing those Madison Avenue grave robbers won't do to get us to buy their crap! Crowd: (VARIOUS) Yeah! / Right On, Krusty! / You Tell 'Em! Homer_Simpson: (WITH CROWD) Impeach Churchill! Krusty_the_Clown: Well, here's one dollar those crooks aren't gonna get their hands on. Krusty_the_Clown: I don't care if it is illegal. I'm makin' a stand here. Who's with me? Lenny_Leonard: I am! I work like a dog for this! Agnes_Skinner: Oh, you're burning it all wrong, Seymour. Seymour_Skinner: It's my allowance, Mother, and I'll burn it the way I want.  (TO MARGE) Marge, gimme your purse. Marge_Simpson: (SOTTO; DESPERATE) Here's $42 -- it's everything I have. Run home and bury it in the yard. Lisa_Simpson: I love you, Mom! Crowd: You tell 'em, Krusty. / Screw everyone! / Etc. Businessman_#1: Wow, they're hanging on his every word. (TURNS) Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Businessman_#2: I hope so. Businessman_#1: (FIRMLY) I thought I made myself clear in Boston. Lenny_Leonard: (TO HOMER) I brought a bag of money in case he wants us to burn it again. Homer_Simpson: I hope he tells us to burn our pants. These things are drivin' me nuts! Krusty_the_Clown: So this afternoon, two suits come up to me and ask me to endorse some new sports utility vehicle. Crowd: Oooo! / What did you do? / (LAUGHS) Homer_Simpson: (CALLING OUT) Don't you hate pants?  Crowd: Yeah! / Woo! / Go Krusty! / Woo hoo hoo! Krusty_the_Clown: Then, they followed me home, begging me to take a test drive. And let me tell you, (BEAT) talk about roomy! The Canyonero combines the smooth handling of a European sports car with the rugged driveability of a sturdy 4X4. Crowd: (CONFUSED NOISES) / Huh? / What? Carl_Carlson: (CALLING OUT) Hey, Krusty, what are you talking about? I, I thought you said those guys were creeps! Krusty_the_Clown: Yeah, but that was before I got to know 'em. And I'm tellin' ya', the Canyonero is the Cadillac of automobiles. That's Canyonero. Crowd: Boo! Etc. Krusty_the_Clown: Wait! Where you goin'? I still got plenty of beefs! Fat-free yogurt! Krusty_the_Clown: Th-Th-Th-The quality of computer porn! (GROAN) Jay: I knew I shoulda gone on first. Bart_Simpson: I don't get it, Krusty. You said you would never be a shill again. Krusty_the_Clown: (INDIFFERENT SOUND) I learned something about myself tonight, kid. (THOUGHTFULLY) It ain't comedy that's in my blood. It's selling out. Krusty_the_Clown: C'mon, I'll give you a ride home. Bart_Simpson: Wow, this is roomy! HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: CAN YOU NAME THE TRUCK WITH FOUR WHEEL DRIVE? / SMELLS LIKE A STEAK AND SEATS 35... / CANYONERO. (WHIP CRACK) CANYONERO.  / CANYONERO.... Announcer: (QUICKLY) Federal highway commission has ruled the Canyonero unsafe for highway or city driving. Chorus: (QUICKLY) Canyonero! HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: TWELVE YARDS LONG, TWO LANES WIDE. / SIXTY-FIVE TONS OF AMERICAN PRIDE. / CANYONERO (WHIP CRACK) CANYONERO (WHIP CRACK) HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: TOP OF THE LINE IN UTILITY SPORTS. / UNEXPLAINED FIRES ARE A MATTER FOR THE COURTS. / CANYONERO (WHIP CRACK) CANYONERO (WHIP CRACK) HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: SHE BLINDS EVERYBODY WITH HER SUPER HIGH BEAM. / SHE'S A SQUIRREL SQUASHING, DEER SMACKIN', DRIVIN' MACHINE. CANYONERO.... HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: CANYONER-OOOO... HYAHH!! CANYONERO! HANK_WILLIAMS_JR.: Whoa, Canyonero! Whoa! Homer_Simpson: (TOASTING) To Marge. And all the blissful years I've spent hiding from her in this bar. Barflies: Hear, hear! Moe_Szyslak: Yeah. Big deal. You got a wife. I got a rash. Who cares? (OFF HOMER'S HURT LOOK) Ech, I'm sorry, Homer.  Homer_Simpson: Whatever happened to your mail order bride? Moe_Szyslak: Ah, she got homesick for her old life, diving for tourist pennies in a Micronesian swamp. Homer_Simpson: So her career got in the way. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I don't blame her. (LOOKING IN MIRROR) No girl wants to end up with a Joe Puke-pail like me. Homer_Simpson: Now, now, I won't hear of it, Moe.   Homer_Simpson: Oh, it's probably due to your ugliness. But that doesn't mean we can't find you a woman. Come on, we're goin' to the darkest bar in town. Moe_Szyslak: (INTO PHONE) Yeah, I wanna send her two dozen roses. And I wanna put something nice on the card, like, um, "Renee, my treasure..."  (INTO PHONE) Ah, nah, nah, no, I don't want that on the card... Well, lemme hear how it sounds... Nah, nah, take it out. Take it out. And charge it to my Players Club card... Maxed out? Moe_Szyslak: Look, I really need these flowers, okay? I got a real tenuous hold on my girlfriend here... Hello? Hello? Moe_Szyslak: (SIGH) Well, that's it. It's all over. Renee ain't gonna wanna hang around with no Joe Pinchpenny. Homer_Simpson: Aw, come on, Moe. Think of all you have to offer besides money. Moe_Szyslak: (THINKS FOR A BEAT) Hmmm... I need cash, and lots of it. Um, all right, everybody, I'm calling in your bar tabs.  Ya-- Moe_Szyslak: (DISTRAUGHT) Ah, Homer, what am I gonna do? Renee's my last chance for true love. Homer_Simpson: If you really need money, you could sell a kidney, or maybe even your car. Moe_Szyslak: Nah, my car ain't worth nothin'. (GETTING AN IDEA) But it is insured... For five grand... Homer, I need your help. You gotta steal this car and wreck it for me. Homer_Simpson: Steal? Oh no, you got the wrong guy. Homer_Simpson: (AWKWARDLY) You dropped somethin'. Moe_Szyslak: C'mon, Homer! I'm one of your dearest friends! When everybody said you were too drunk to drive that time, who gave you your keys? Homer_Simpson: (WARILY) Oh, you did. But -- I still don't know... I can just imagine what Marge would say. Marge_Simpson: Homer, I insist you steal that car. Homer_Simpson: (FIRMLY) I'll do it! Moe_Szyslak: Okay, here's the plan. (PLACING ON BAR) This model car represents my car, huh?  Homer_Simpson: Mmmm... me. Moe_Szyslak: Hey! Hey! Aw, that's great.  Moe_Szyslak: All right, forget it! Moe_Szyslak: Listen up, here. Tomorrow night at eight, you go down to the waterfront and you "steal" my car. Homer_Simpson: What about the cops? Moe_Szyslak: That's the beauty part. Every cop in town's gonna be on the Police Department's Moonlight Charity Cruise. And I'm gonna be right there with 'em. Homer_Simpson: So, as soon as you get back, we steal the car, right? Moe_Szyslak: Righ-- No, no. Wrong. Listen. While I'm on the boat with the perfect alibi, you steal my car, and park it on the railroad tracks. Then when the 10:15 train comes along... Moe_Szyslak: WHAM! The insurance company pays off five thousand clams. I keep showing Renee the sweet life.  All your troubles will soon be over for a couple months. Moe_Szyslak: ... So like a coward I let Homer take the rap for the whole scam. And now the only way to clear him is to turn myself in. Renee: I-I don't know what to say. I'm shocked. I mean you broke the law and betrayed a friend... Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, you're right. You shouldn't be wasting your time with a low-life like me. Renee: (GIVING IN) Oh, Moe, don't say that. Y-You made a mistake, but at least you're trying to set things straight. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, that's true. That's true, baby. Hmf, it'll be hell being locked away from ya, but I guess I gotta take my medicine. (SUDDEN THOUGHT) Unless... Unless, I send a letter to the police clearing Homer... Renee: (HOPEFUL) Yeah... Moe_Szyslak: (EXCITED) Then we go to the graveyard and steal two corpses... Renee: (STUNNED) Oh my God. Moe_Szyslak: (ON A ROLL) We-we-we switch clothes with them, leave 'em in the bar. Then we pour some brandy around. Like so... Renee: Yeah, would you hand me my keys? Moe_Szyslak: Uh, yeah. Here ya go. Moe_Szyslak: ...Then we light a match...And FWOOOF! We start a new life in Hawaii. Renee: Goodbye, Moe. Moe_Szyslak: Where you goin', baby? You goin' to find the corpses? Renee: (SARCASTIC) Yes, Moe, I'm going to find corpses. Moe_Szyslak: Uh, well, you want me to come with? Renee? Dearest? (BEAT, THEN REALIZING MOAN) (SIGH) She ain't comin' back. Moe_Szyslak: (YELP OF PAIN) Ow. Moe_Szyslak: (HORRIFIED SCREAM) Uh-oh. Homer_Simpson: (MURDEROUSLY) You! Moe_Szyslak: Homer! Thank God, you gotta help me here! Homer_Simpson: Oh-ho, I'll help you.  (ATTACK YELL) Moe_Szyslak: Eh! That's it! You're going down, pal! Moe_Szyslak: Oh, boy... Uh, I really wanna sleep... Homer_Simpson: I... also sleep... G'night, Mommy... Barney_Gumble: Moe! Homer! (SCREAMS) The booze! Moe_Szyslak: Oh, Homer, I been the world's biggest rat. Can you ever forgive me? Homer_Simpson: Ohh, I could never stay mad at you, Moe. (SINCERELY) After all, (TEARFULLY) you get me drunk. Moe_Szyslak: (WATCHING FIRE) Aww! Ah, my poor bar. It's all gone.   Homer_Simpson: I've joined the naval reserve. Homer_Simpson: Well, guys, I won't be seeing you for a while. Barney_Gumble: Where are you going? Barney_Gumble: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my best friend. I'm joining too. Moe_Szyslak: Well, I'm not gonna let anything happen to my two best customers. I'm joining too. Apu_Nahasapeemapetilon: And although my religion strictly forbids military service -- what the hey, I'm in too. Homer_Simpson: (TOUCHED) Gee, thanks guys. This is just like "The Deer Hunter." Moe_Szyslak: "The Deer Hunter?" Uh... hah... That reminds me.  What'll it be? Lenny_Leonard: Hmm, only one, huh... Well, I've always wondered what it would feel like to wear something that's been ironed. Carl_Carlson: (WHISTLES) That'd be sweet. What about you, Moe? Moe_Szyslak: Eh, gee, I was gonna say a night with Joey Heatherton. But an ironed shirt... Damn! That's tempting. Lenny_Leonard: What about you, Homer? Homer_Simpson: (LEANS BACK, THOUGHTFULLY) Well... Agent_Miller: Homer Simpson? (FLASHING BADGE) United States Government. Homer_Simpson: (PANICKY) Help! Somebody! Moe_Szyslak: (WIPING GLASS) So how about you, Barn? One wish? Homer_Simpson: So if my cover gets blown and I need help, what's the signal? Homer_Simpson: Hey, I see you're watchin' the ball game. Looks like a good one. Any of you involved in any illegal activity? Cause I could sure go for some. Agent_Johnson: Oh, God! Homer_Simpson: How 'bout you, Lenny? Testing, testing? Lenny?  Homer_Simpson: Maybe. But first I need to hear about some other crimes to get me fired up. Carl_Carlson: You mean like the time you was running moonshine out of your basement? Barney_Gumble: Or that telemarketing scam you pulled? Homer_Simpson: Uhhhh, like those. But involving you.  Homer_Simpson: Barney? That was me! (SEETHING) And I'd do it again. Charlie: Why stop there, Homer? My militia has a secret plan to beat up all sorts of government officials. That'll teach 'em to drag their feet on high-definition TV. Agent_Johnson: You're under arrest for conspiracy. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, how did they finger Charlie? Somebody musta ratted him out. Homer_Simpson: Oh, that's ridiculous, Moe. End transmission. Homer_Simpson: (MOAN) My campaign is a disaster, Moe. Homer_Simpson: (BITTER) I hate the public so much. (WISHFUL) If only they'd elect me... (VENGEFUL) I'd make 'em pay. (WORRIED) Oh Moe, how do I make 'em like me? Moe_Szyslak: Ah, gee, you're kinda all over the place there, Homer. You need to focus here.  Homer_Simpson: (SHORT MOAN) Can't someone else do it? Moe_Szyslak: "Can't someone else do it?" That's perfect! Homer_Simpson: It is? Moe_Szyslak: Yeah.  Homer_Simpson: (RAISES ARMS TRIUMPHANTLY) Woo hoo! Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, hey, you didn't pay for the beer. Homer_Simpson: (BIG SMILE, STAGY) Can't someone else do it? Moe_Szyslak: (BIG KNOWING LAUGH) / Very good. Moe_Szyslak: Seriously, gimme the money. U2: THE SANITATION FOLKS / ARE JOLLY FRIENDLY BLOKES / COURTEOUS AND EASYGOING.   Lenny_Leonard: So this broad stands up... in the ocean and this big wave knocks her bathing suit off. Moe_Szyslak: Ooh. Yeah. And then what happened? Omit no detail, no matter how small or filthy. Lenny_Leonard: So anyway -- and this is the part you'll remember for the rest of your lives... Homer_Simpson: (CUTTING HIM OFF) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, great story, Lenny. But here's one that's even more spellbinding. Once upon a time there was a man named Thomas Edison. And he invented the dictating machine and the fluoroscope and the repeating telegraph... Homer_Simpson: (INCREASINGLY BREATHLESS) ... And he was a firm believer in Fletcherism, and he played the organ, and his favorite flower was the heliotrope -- oh, and his middle name was Alva. And he never, ever, ever wore pajamas. And... Moe_Szyslak: Okay, I think we've been polite long enough here. Lenny, what happened with the dame and the bathing suit? Lenny_Leonard: Huh? Oh... uh... oh, nuts. I forgot. All I can think of now is Edison. I can't even remember where I work. (RUBS TEMPLES) Homer_Simpson: Well, I remember where Edison worked. It was Menlo Park. That's where he came up with the tasimeter, the ore separator and... Carl_Carlson: Uh, James Watt invented the steam engine. Homer_Simpson: That's boring. You're boring everybody. Quit boring everyone! Moe_Szyslak: (UPBEAT) Ah, morning, Homer. Ah, you're looking unusually focused this morning.  I'm gonna, like, totally waste you. Moe_Szyslak: Well, somebody's a Grumpy Gus. What's-- Homer_Simpson: Yoink. Moe_Szyslak: Ooh! (PEEVED) Ah, for crying out loud. (GASP) Kent_Brockman: Another of Springfield's beloved citizens was murdered today. Filthy old bartender Moe Szyslak has watered down his last highball. Barflies: (EXCITED SOUNDS) / My God, what I'd give to meet him. Carl_Carlson: Oh, they don't come much bigger than that. Homer_Simpson: (DERISIVE SNORT) Kent Brockman. Please. Moe_Szyslak: So, I'm in the grocery store the other day buyin' some cotton balls... Carl_Carlson: The absorbent kind? Moe_Szyslak: (PROUDLY) Youuu got that right, my friend! Moe_Szyslak: So, I round the corner and head down the ointment aisle, when who should I spot? None other than Kent Brockman! Lenny_Leonard: (IMPRESSED) The local news guy? Mister Channel 6? Moe_Szyslak: Oh, what? I suppose you've seen a bigger star? Homer_Simpson: (COY) I might have. Lenny_Leonard: Come on, make with a name. Homer_Simpson: (PAINED) Oh, I can't. I promised I wouldn't. Moe_Szyslak: (DISMISSIVE NOISE) Aw, yeah right. You ain't seen nobody. Barney_Gumble: Another good one, Moe. Kim_Basinger: Please don't tell anyone we're here. Alec_Baldwin: You've got to keep our secret, Homer. Ron_Howard: Homer, we're out of vodka. Gentleman: (STATESMANLIKE) Tell the people, Homer. They have a right to know about the celebrity summer house.  Gentleman: What do you care? I'm telling you what you want to hear. Homer_Simpson: All right, I'm gonna let you guys in on something. But you've got to keep it much more secret than I did. Moe_Szyslak: Well, I gotta hand it to you, Homer. You're really brave to go through with this operation. Homer_Simpson: It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor says it's just a procedure. Moe_Szyslak: Nah, nah, no. Makin' polenta, that's a procedure. You're talkin' about deadly, life-threatening surgery, here. Homer_Simpson: (GETTING NERVOUS) Really? You think it's dangerous? Carl_Carlson: Oh, yeah.  Deadly procedure. Carl_Carlson: Whatever.  Homer_Simpson: Now you're just tryin' to scare me. Lenny_Leonard: Plus they'll put you on one of those organ donor sucker lists. Everybody who wants an eyeball or a spine or a vestigial tail will be after you. Homer_Simpson: (PLAINTIVE) But I don't want that. Moe_Szyslak: Listen, I'm just gonna get right to the point, here. Can I have your buttocks?  They look pretty comfortable. Homer_Simpson: (MOROSE) Yeah, I guess. Carl_Carlson: And, uh, are those your original lips? Homer_Simpson: Well, actually I-- (CATCHING HIMSELF) Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes! (OFFENDED NOISE) Moe_Szyslak: (EYEING HOMER'S ASS) Oh yeah, that would look so good on me.  Or at least cleaned up that mess you made in the bathroom. Now y-- Moe_Szyslak: (TURNING ON A DIME) Mayor Quimby?! Homer, why didn't you say you was with the mayor? Moe_Szyslak: Shove off, puke-holes. Get out of there! These stools are reserved for the mayor and his cronies. Moe_Szyslak: Heh. Here's a couple of Düffenbraus, on the house, of course. Homer_Simpson: (IMPRESSED NOISE) Semi-imported. (GUZZLES THE BOTTLE) Keep 'em comin'. Mayor_Joe_Quimby: (TO MOE) Your generosity is greatly appreciated, especially during this health inspection season. Moe_Szyslak: Oh yeah, yeah, right. Health inspection. That reminds me. (CHUCKLES) Moe_Szyslak: (STAGEY) Your change, sir. Moe_Szyslak: We're workin' on that roach situation, I swear to God. Mayor_Joe_Quimby: (SHRUGGING) Eh, you should see the hospital. Homer_Simpson: (GRUNT) What's the hubub?  Lenny_Leonard: Quiet! We're watchin' the Isotopes!  They're losers. Carl_Carlson: Where you been? The Isotopes are on fire! Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, that sniper at the all-star game was a blessing in disguise. Lenny_Leonard: Now we're in the championship game. Homer_Simpson: (SURPRISED) Championship? Homer_Simpson: Wooooo! 'Topes ruuuule! Kent_Brockman: Well, here's a die-hard fan. Sir, your beloved Isotopes are about to make history. Any thoughts? Homer_Simpson: (WINDED EXCITEMENT) Oh, it's a great team, Kent... never gave up hope... I want to thank Jesus... and say hi to my special lady Marge... (INTO CAMERA) We did it, baby! Wooooo! (GRABBING BROCKMAN'S MICROPHONE) Woooooo! Kent_Brockman: (TO CAMERA) The inspiring words of a fan who'll always root, root, root for the home team, even if they lose this ga-- Homer_Simpson: They lost? Those losers! Kent_Brockman: No, no, no, the game's not over -- Homer_Simpson: Woo! Not over! Wooooo! Kent_Brockman: (TO CAMERA) There you have it. Woo. Dennis_Conroy: (ABOVE CROWD) Bottom of the ninth, two outs. It all comes down to this. And here's the pitch... Dennis_Conroy: (SPANISH "J"'S) Jumping Jesus! He got all of that one! It's going... going... going... Dennis_Conroy: (QUICKLY) Our technical director today was Stan Kadlubowski. Dennis_Conroy: (BACK ON GAME) It's out of here! 'Topes win! Moe_Szyslak: (HURT SIGH) Nobody touched my rumaki. Homer_Simpson: Woo! Rumaki! Sports_Announcer: The road to the Super Bowl is long and pointless. I mean, when you think about it... Homer_Simpson: (CHUCKLES AT INJURY) Football's so great. (SIPS BEER) Sports_Announcer: But now the two conference champs must survive a harrowing bye week that no one enjoys. Moe_Szyslak: (SCORNFUL) Bye weeks. Bronco Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks. And now he's dead. (RECONSIDERING) Well, maybe they're a good thing. Wally: Yeah, how 'bout that Super Bowl? You goin' this year? Homer_Simpson: Me? Nah. (GASP, BRIGHTENING) Unless there's a coupon for it. (FLIPS THROUGH BOOK) Nah. Wally: Well, I run the Springfield Travel Agency. Wally: We've got a charter bus goin' down to the game. You help us fill it, you can ride for free. Homer_Simpson: (DREAMILY) Homer Simpson at the Super Bowl? Coach: Dang! That was my last quarterback. Now what am I gonna do? Coach: You! Homer_Simpson: Me?! Coach: Yeah, you.  Homer_Simpson: Sorry. Homer_Simpson: It's a deal. Hey, Moe. Wanna come with me and Wally to the Super Bowl? Moe_Szyslak: (EXCITED) Oh, absolutely. My favorite team's in it: the (RAISES GLASS IN FRONT OF MOUTH) Atlanta Falcons (LOWERS GLASS). Yeah, ever since I was a boy, I've always loved the (RAISES GLASS IN FRONT OF MOUTH AGAIN) Atlanta Falcons (LOWERS GLASS). Homer_Simpson: Yeah, they're good. But I wouldn't count out the... Denver Broncos (LOWERS GLASS). Wally: I hear that President (GRABS GLASS FROM HOMER AND COVERS MOUTH) Clinton (LOWERS GLASS) is going to be watching with his wife (RAISES GLASS IN FRONT OF MOUTH) Hillary (LOWERS GLASS). Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, what kind of adventure you gonna be involved in tonight, Homer? Homer_Simpson: Mmm, who knows? Maybe I'll have to foil an assassination, or stop a peace conference. Moe_Szyslak: So they really based that Homer Simpson character on you, huh? Homer_Simpson: Yup. Right down to the scarf. Moe_Szyslak: Ooh, there it is! Chief_Wiggum: Nice beating, Lance. Especially around the eyes. (THEN) Say, where's your partner? Where's Homer Simpson? DETECTIVE_HOMER_SIMPSON: Coming, Chief. Chief_Wiggum: Now what have you done, Simpson? DETECTIVE_HOMER_SIMPSON: I was supervising the guns for toys program. Chief_Wiggum: It's toys for guns. DETECTIVE_HOMER_SIMPSON: Now you tell me! Chief_Wiggum: (EXASPERATED) Simp-sonnnn!! Homer_Simpson: (CONFUSED) Hey, what's going on? That guy's not Homer Simpson.  Lenny_Leonard: Hey, looks like they changed the character into a bumbling sidekick. Homer_Simpson: (WORRIED) No, no, he can't be.  Yeah, that's gotta be it. Chief_Wiggum: You destroyed that drug shipment? DETECTIVE_HOMER_SIMPSON: (PROUDLY) Yes indeedy. Chief_Wiggum: (ANGRY) That was my insulin! DETECTIVE_HOMER_SIMPSON: (HAPLESSLY) Uh-oh, Spaghetti-O's! Chief_Wiggum: (EXASPERATED) Simp-sonnnn!!   Like you do on TV. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, come on, dum-dum, do something unintelligent, there. Homer_Simpson: Shutup! I'm not your clown! Don't diminish me! Homer_Simpson: Gentlemen, I bid you-- (CHOKING SOUND) Homer_Simpson: (SPINNING) Who-o-oa! Who-o-oa! Who-o-oa! Lenny_Leonard: Geez, what an exit. Carl_Carlson: Oh man, what's he gonna do for an encore? Moe_Szyslak: Ooh. I don't think he'll be, doin' no encores for a while. (LAUGHS) Homer_Simpson: Right after Happy Hour! Moe_Szyslak: Drinking will help us plan.  Men: Yeah. / Yeah. Moe_Szyslak: (AMID MEN'S REACTIONS) You got that right! Seymour_Skinner: Edna won't even let me clap her erasers. Sideshow_Mel: My Barbara will no longer pleasure me with the French arts. Moe_Szyslak: The gal I'm stalking had me bumped back to two hundred feet. Men: (MURMURS OF SYMPATHY) / That's too bad. Barney_Gumble: (AMID MURMURS) Oh, Moe. Homer_Simpson: And ask yourselves, people, who's to blame for all this? Dr._Julius_Hibbert: (GUILTILY) Well, I guess we are. Ned_Flanders: I suppose I do take Maude for granted. Barney_Gumble: I got some of that myself. / Oh, screw myself. Homer_Simpson: Will you stop it?! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu. He's makin' us look bad! Men: (CHEERS OF AGREEMENT) / Yeah! / Yeah, you're right! / Hey! / Yeah! Barney_Gumble: (AMID CURIOUS SOUNDS) Hey. Lenny_Leonard: (AMID CURIOUS SOUNDS) What's goin' on out there? Moe_Szyslak: Aw, geez, he's got everything but the Shriners. Old_Jewish_Man: Hey, watch it!  Homer_Simpson: We've gotta stop that traitor Apu. Carl_Carlson: Hey, anybody seen Homer today? Lenny_Leonard: (MATTER-OF-FACT) There he goes. Homer_Simpson: Moe, this is Astrid, my "dealer." And these are my fans, Gunter, Kyoto, and Cecil Hampstead-on-Cecil-Cecil. Moe_Szyslak: So, uh, you guys are Eurotrash, huh? How's that, uh, workin' out for ya?  Moe_Szyslak: Uh-huh. So, ah, where might this sea be located? Cecil_Terwilliger: I must get back to my hotel and practice my affectations for tomorrow. Bon soir. (MAKES FRITZ FELD SOUND) Homer_Simpson: What do we owe you, Moe? Moe_Szyslak: Nothin', nothin'. Just gimme a priceless sketch with a certificate of authenticity. Homer_Simpson: All right. (SKETCHING SOUNDS) Barney_Gumble: Hey, Moe, can I pay with a drawing? Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, nice try there, Twelve-Step. Homer_Simpson: (STAGY) Boy, Lenny, you sure look hungry. Have some nuts. Lenny_Leonard: Hey, thanks. Lenny_Leonard: Ow! My eye! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Homer_Simpson: (LAUGHS) Now if you want to be the life of the party like Lenny here, just place your order for this hilarious novelty item. Moe_Szyslak: Homer, get outta here. Homer_Simpson: Boy, Moe, you sure look angry. Here, have some nuts. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, thanks. Moe_Szyslak: Ow! God, my eye! Ow!  Geez! Ow! Moe_Szyslak: Don't pull! Don't pull! I said don't pull! Don't! Moe_Szyslak: (CLEARS THROAT) "You have been chosen to join the Justice Squadron! 8 a.m. Monday at the Municipal Fortress of Vengeance." Oh, I am so there! Professor_Jonathan_Frink: We studied traffic patterns and found that drivers move the fastest through yellow lights. So now we just have the red and yellow lights. (FRINK NOISE) HAWKING: Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it. Homer_Simpson: Wow. I can't believe someone I never heard of is hangin' out with a guy like me. Moe_Szyslak: (WALKING UP) All right, it's closing time. Who's paying the tab? Computer_Voice_2: I am. HAWKING: I didn't say that. Homer_Simpson: (COMPUTER VOICE) Yes, I did. Homer_Simpson: Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink! Lenny_Leonard: Hey, ain't that Homer on the Japanese channel? Moe_Szyslak: If that's Homer then... who the hell's been putting beers on his tab? Barney_Gumble: (TENTATIVE ANNOYED GRUNT) (THEN) Woo hoo? (THEN, SEARCHING) Umm... that boy ain't right? Homer_Simpson: So I gave up tap for jazz, and I've never regretted it. And here's why... Marge_Simpson: Homer, you're supposed to be hunting for Bart! Homer_Simpson: I'm on top of it. Marge_Simpson: (WORRIED MURMUR) My sweet baby. He must feel so helpless and scared. Agnes_Skinner: I told you not to drink all those Frescas before we got in the car. Seymour_Skinner: (HUSHED) Mother, please! You're embarrassing me. Agnes_Skinner: No, I'm not. (THEN TO MOE, LOUD) Seymour needs the toilet! His bladder's full. (EXPLAINING) Full of urine! Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, thanks. It's just past the end of the bar, (POINTS AT HOMER) next to the heavyset guy. Homer_Simpson: (INSULTED) Heavyset? What's that supposed to mean? Moe_Szyslak: All right, take it easy. Take it easy. I'm just saying you ain't no, uh, Tommy Tune. Homer_Simpson: No Tommy Tune, eh? Oh, that's it.  Moe_Szyslak: I-- Your what now? Homer_Simpson: I demand satisfaction! (SLAPS MOE WITH GLOVE) I challenge you to a duel. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, a duel? I, ah-- Isn't that a little extreme? Here, here, have a free beer. (GIVES HIM ONE) Homer_Simpson: (SURPRISED) Really? But you've never given anyone a free beer. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I ain't never been slapped with no duelin' glove before, either. Homer_Simpson: (TO SELF, IN AWE) Wow, a free beer! And I owe it all to a little glove slap. (SINGING TO TUNE OF "LOVE SHACK") GLOVE SLAP... Homer_Simpson: (SINGING) BABY, GLOVE SLAP...  Homer_Simpson: I can't believe it, Moe. The greatest feat of my life is already forgotten. Moe_Szyslak: Geez, Homer. I never seen you so depressed. As your life partner, I'm very worried. Homer_Simpson: Save your tears, Moe. Save 'em in a shot glass for someone who still has a shred of hope. Moe_Szyslak: A shreda what? Uh, sorry, I was countin' the cocktail radishes. Moe_Szyslak: (COUNTING RADISHES) Now where was I? Uh, two... three... Three radishes. Three big radishes. Kent_Brockman: Big game fever is reaching a fevered pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U. and Springfield A & M spreads like wildfever. Th-- (TO OFF CAMERA) This is writing? Writer: I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus. Kent_Brockman: (TO HIMSELF, DISGUSTED) My thesaurus... You'll lose more than that. (TO CAMERA) In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional-seating-capacity fever. (HALF CHUCKLES, THEN ANGRY SOUND) Homer_Simpson: Woo hoo! Go S.U.! Carl_Carlson: A & M is gonna kick your ivy-covered butts! Homer_Simpson: Yeah, well you went to a cow college! Lenny_Leonard: Oh, you're only calling us a cow college 'cause we was founded by a cow. Homer_Simpson: Havin' a party, Moe. I'll need four kegs of your finest imported-sounding beer. Moe_Szyslak: How 'bout Tuborg? The beer of Danish Kings. Homer_Simpson: Mmmm, Danish. Moe_Szyslak: Now, you know I can't sell you no beer till two P.M., on accounta it's Sunday. Homer_Simpson: Huh? If you can't sell beer, what are Lenny and Carl doing here? Carl_Carlson: Huh? Uh, we're just watching the sun move across the sky. Lenny_Leonard: (POINTING) When it gets to here, we can drink again. Homer_Simpson: (WHINY) But I need that beer now. Moe_Szyslak: Sorry. Two P.M. (JOKING) Or you can steal a boat and sail out to International Waters. Homer_Simpson: What's that, a theme park? Moe_Szyslak: No, the ocean. Once you get twelve miles out, there's no laws at all. That's where they held the Tyson/Secretariat fight. Homer_Simpson: (LAUGHS) They were so drunk. Gentlemen, get off your knees.  Homer_Simpson: And you're invited. Lenny_Leonard: Hey, Moe, if you're tired of bein' an eyesore, why not get some plastic surgery? Moe_Szyslak: Oh, boy! (SIGHS) Homer_Simpson: Moe, the new Duff calendars are out! The ones with your picture! Moe_Szyslak: (EXCITED) Oh, boy! Move over liquor license. Lenny_Leonard: (EXAMINES LICENSE) Hey Moe, this license expired in 1973, and... and it's only good in Rhode Island, and it's signed by you. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, yeah, I've been meanin' to get that updated, uh, for this state, and real. Now let's see the poster boy for the new Moe-lennium. Moe_Szyslak: They put a sticker over my face! Moe_Szyslak: Hey... Viva la... Kiss... What... Moe_Szyslak: Ah, for the love of Jeff! Moe_Szyslak: (SADLY) Am I really that ugly? Carl_Carlson: (WARMLY) Moe, it's all relative. Is Lenny really that dumb? Is Barney that drunk? Is Homer that lazy, bald and fat? Moe_Szyslak: (SOBS) Oh my God! It's worse than I thought. Carl_Carlson: (TO CAMERA) See, this is why I don't talk much. Moe_Szyslak: I can't believe they put those stickers over my face. (SIGHS) I must be the ugliest man alive. Homer_Simpson: Oh, Moe. There's lots of people uglier than you. Like, you ever been to White Castle? Carl_Carlson: Ho, boy -- Pigtown U.S.A.! Moe_Szyslak: Aw, c'mon, look at me. I'm a gargoyle. What, with the cauliflower ear there, and the lizard lips... Carl_Carlson: The little rat eyes... Homer_Simpson: Caveman brow... Lenny_Leonard: Don't forget that fish snout. Moe_Szyslak: ("BACK OFF") Okay, I get it. I ain't pleasant to look at. Lenny_Leonard: Or listen to. Carl_Carlson: Or be with. Homer_Simpson: C'mon, Moe. Don't feel bad. There's too much emphasis on looks these days. That's why they won't let Bill Maher on TV before midnight. Moe_Szyslak: Plastic surgery, huh?... (POINTS AT FACE) Ah, maybe they could dynamite Mount Crapmore here and carve me a new kisser. Carl_Carlson: I-I don't know. Plastic surgery might make you look good on the outside, but you still might feel bad on the inside. Moe_Szyslak: But I'd look good on the outside, right? Carl_Carlson: Yeah, but you'd feel bad inside. Moe_Szyslak: Plastic surgery it is! Moe_Szyslak: Carl Carlson, you just saved my life! (SPOTTING SOMETHING) Hey, get out of there! Carl_Carlson: So, Lenny, how are things workin' out with you and that girl next door? Lenny_Leonard: Eh, it's over. She got a windowshade. Lenny_Leonard: Wha?! Moe_Szyslak: Whoa, whoa, if you must grope me, ladies, please, a little softer. (CHUCKLES) Okay, now harder. Carl_Carlson: (DISTRAUGHT) Hey, there are women in our bar! Homer_Simpson: Hey, Moe. Beer me! Moe_Szyslak: Ah, I'm a little busy, Homer. Ah, you can pour it yourself. Homer_Simpson: (RE: TAP) Hmm. This isn't nearly as complicated as Moe made it seem. Homer_Simpson: I'm sorry about your face, Moe. Moe_Szyslak: Nah, it's just as well. That handsome face was nice, but it was too much maintenance. I had to wash it, rub it with neat's-foot oil... You did me a favor, Homer. And to think I was about to sell the bar to Hooters... Homer_Simpson: Yeah, you were... (ANNOYED GRUNT) Moe_Szyslak: Well, I guess that wraps it up. Hey, there's one thing I don't get, though. When my face was crushed, why did it go back to my old face? I mean, shouldn't it have turned into some kind of third face that was different? Heh. Don't make no... Moe_Szyslak: Refund? Hey, sounds good to me. Lenny_Leonard: Sure beats a tax! Carl_Carlson: (RAISING BEER) We love you, President Simpson. Moe_Szyslak: Tax hike?! Hold the phone, Mabel! Carl_Carlson: You know, I never trusted her. Lenny_Leonard: Don't blame me. I voted for Chastity Bono. Barney_Gumble: No, I'm not! Barney_Gumble: Gee, is that what I look like when I'm drunk? Lenny_Leonard: ...so I says to the cop, "No, you're driving under the influence... of bein' a jerk." Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Barney. What's with the glum face? You glum or somethin'? Huh, Glummy?  Carl_Carlson: What are you, nuts? Homer_Simpson: I threw you a party at my house. Barney_Gumble: You lie. Why would I not remember my own (WHILE DRINKING) birthday? Moe_Szyslak: But we did have a shindig for ya, Barn. We even videotaped it. Look. Moe_Szyslak: (QUIETLY TO SELF) Oh, that's it, baby. All for Moe. Oh, yeah. Work the slot. Show me the package. Moe_Szyslak: (EMBARRASSED) Whoa, tha... (LAUGHS) that, that's a project I'm working on. Sorry. Bart_Simpson: Okay, Mom. We're rolling. Marge_Simpson: I wrote a poem for Barney on this special occasion. (READING POEM) "Now that you're one year older, the time flew by so fast..." Marge_Simpson: Bart! Marge_Simpson: Gimme that! (GRUNTS) Barney_Gumble: (TIPSY) I'm just saying that when we die, there's going to be a planet for the French, a planet for the Chinese, and we'll all be a lot happier... Lisa_Simpson: (VERY UNCOMFORTABLE) Mr. Gumbel, you're upsetting me. Homer_Simpson: You wish. That's the stage we call "Professor Barney" -- talkative, coherent, even insightful. Here's drunk. Barney_Gumble: (HIGH VOICE) Well, I'm off to market...  (REALIZING) Oh, it's just Barney. Barney_Gumble: (GASPS) Precious alcohol! Soaking into shag. Barney_Gumble: (SIGHS) How embarrassing. But how did this happen? Lenny_Leonard: Oh, that. You've had that for a while. Carl_Carlson: Yeah, I can't really picture you without it.  Homer_Simpson: Disgracefully hilarious! (LAUGHS) You passed out before we could even give you your presents. Carl_Carlson: I still got mine. Barney, I got you what no drunk can do without: Morning-After Stationery. Moe_Szyslak: And I got ya helicopter flying lessons. (TO BARFLIES) Can you imagine this boozebag at the wheel of a whirlybird? Moe_Szyslak: (LAUGHS) He'd be all "Look at me!  Moe_Szyslak: (SWEETLY) Ah, anyway, Happy B-day, punkin. Barney_Gumble: So, I'm a tanked-up loser? Is that how you see me?  Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey, where ya goin'? Barney_Gumble: I'll show you. I'm gonna take these helicopter lessons. Homer_Simpson: Wait a minute, Barney. You gotta be sober to fly.  Barney_Gumble: Then I'm gonna quit drinking. Barney_Gumble: No, I mean it. Barney_Gumble: You won't see me here again. Ever. Moe_Szyslak: Wait, that ain't funny. He's my best customer. Moe_Szyslak: Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar's gonna have to go queer. Larry: You mean it's not? Larry: (TO BOOK) Wrong again, "Gay Guide to Springfield Barney_Gumble: Gimme a beer! Moe_Szyslak: (CALMLY) I knew you'd be back. Moe_Szyslak: (TO SELF) Santeria, you're the greatest! Homer_Simpson: Barney, didn't you say you were gonna stop drinking? Barney_Gumble: (BREAKS DOWN) I know, but it's so hard. Please help me, Homer. Homer_Simpson: You came to the right guy. I'll straighten ya out... right after I finish this beer. Homer_Simpson: Ah, man that's sweet. Okay, let's go. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer. (AS HOMER SITS) Ah, no, no, no, don't sit there. Take this seat, right next to the tap. Homer_Simpson: (SUSPICIOUSLY) But that's Barney's seat.  Moe_Szyslak: Hey, every bar needs a world-class drunk. Lenny_Leonard: Yeah, someone who makes our alcoholism seem less raging. Homer_Simpson: Well, forget it, guys. I am not Barney! (BARNEY-TYPE BELCH) Moe_Szyslak: See, Homer? It's not so bad. (THEN MEAN) Now dance, rummy! Homer_Simpson: (BEAT) Okay... Homer_Simpson: Lenny, Carl, I know a lot of people bad-mouth you, and focus on how you suck, but not me. To me, you're true blue. Carl_Carlson: Aw, thanks big guy. Lenny_Leonard: Now dance, rummy! Homer_Simpson: Okay. Barney_Gumble: Hiya, Moe. Homer_Simpson: Well, if it isn't Little Miss "I'm not wasting my life anymore." (CATTY) Which he is. Barney_Gumble: (CONSULTING A.A. BOOK) Moe, I've come here to make amends for my disgraceful behavior over the last twenty years. Moe_Szyslak: Aw, that's okay, Barn. Barney_Gumble: No, it's not okay. I broke barstools, befouled your broom closet, and made sweet love to your pool table... which I then befouled. Moe_Szyslak: Well, that would explain the drop-off in play. Kent_Brockman: This is a Channel Six news bulletin. Kent_Brockman: Fire has broken out on Mount Springfield, trapping two youngsters and their camera. Homer_Simpson: Oh, no! That's Bart and Lisa! Kent_Brockman: Unfortunately, fire trucks are unavailable to fight the blaze, as they are all being used to film the new Burt Reynolds movie, "Fireball and Mudflap." I caught up with Burt on the set. Kent_Brockman: So, Burt, tell us a little about "Fireball and Mudflap." Burt_Reynolds: Well, I play Jerry "Fireball" Mudflap, a feisty Supreme Court Justice who's searching for his birth mother while competing in a cross-country fire truck race. It's garbage. Homer_Simpson: Barney, you gotta fly us up there and save my kids! Barney_Gumble: I can't. I've never flown solo! Homer_Simpson: Barney... Homer_Simpson: The call is from heroism. Will you accept the charges? Moe_Szyslak: (LOWERING BINOCULARS, SINISTER) Nobody gets away from Moe. Nobody! Homer_Simpson: Grieving father, comin' through... Moe_Szyslak: Homer, ah, booze is on the house, seeing as how Lisa is, ah,... how do I put this... uh, ridin' the midnight train to slab city. Homer_Simpson: Thanks for the beer, Moe. But before Lisa died, she made this tape that I think you should hear. Lisa_Simpson: (ON TAPE) Dear Moe, if anything should ever happen to me, I want you to tear up my dad's tab, (RELUCTANTLY) and pour cocktail onions... Dad, I can't-- Homer_Simpson: (ON TAPE, THROUGH CLENCHED TEETH) Read it! Lisa_Simpson: (ON TAPE, RESIGNED) ... pour cocktail onions down your pants. Moe_Szyslak: Well, I ain't never said no to a dead girl yet. Lenny_Leonard: According to my uncle... Lenny_Leonard: Miss Springfield isn't as beautiful as she seems. Word is, she uses appearance-altering cosmetics. Carl_Carlson: The public should be warned. I wish Mr. X were here. Homer_Simpson: (SLY) Oh, I don't know, Carl. He might be closer than you think. Carl_Carlson: Are you him? Are you Mr. X? Homer_Simpson: No! Carl_Carlson: Uh, but you talked in that real sly voice. (LOUD) Hey, hey, everybody, Homer's Mr. X! Homer_Simpson: I am not. (SLY) Or am I? Lenny_Leonard: Are you? Homer_Simpson: No! Moe_Szyslak: Well, if Mr. X were here right now, I'd buy him a tall frosty. Homer_Simpson: (LOW) Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret? Moe_Szyslak: No. Homer_Simpson: Not even a little one? Moe_Szyslak: No. Homer_Simpson: What if I just whisper it? Moe_Szyslak: No, I tells ya. Homer_Simpson: Hey, guys. How's it goin'? Homer_Simpson: Oh, don't worry about the Mr. X thing. (SITTING DOWN) I'm just here for a beer. Moe_Szyslak: (WARILY) I dunno if I want you in here no more, Homer, uh... I got a lotta secrets I'd prefer to keep clandestine. Terrible, disturbing secrets. Voice: So hungry. Homer_Simpson: (TO SELF, HAPPILY) I smell another Pulitzer. Rev._Timothy_Lovejoy: Well, Helen, as it says in the Bible... Rev._Timothy_Lovejoy: (LOW, TO HELEN) I'll tell you later. Barflies: Burn! Burn! Burn! Barney_Gumble: You know, Homer, I got a great way to make money -- I'm a human guinea pig. Homer_Simpson: You mean, like, medical testing? Barney_Gumble: Yeah, medical... military... chewin' stuff... Moe_Szyslak: Chewin' stuff?!  Moe_Szyslak: (SATISFIED) Oh, oh, right, okay. Homer_Simpson: Yeah, but aren't those experiments dangerous? Barney_Gumble: Ah, you get a few side effects. Moe_Szyslak: (SHOCKED) Are those ears?! Barney_Gumble: (WINCES AND COVERS HIS CHEST) Ow! Not so loud. Homer_Simpson: Hmmmm. Barflies: Burn! Burn! Burn! Homer_Simpson: Effigy, eh? Yeah, nothing burns like an effigy. (DAWNING) Hey, that's me! Homer_Simpson: Stop that! The fire inspector would be appalled. Fire_Inspector: Don't tell me how to feel. Homer_Simpson: So you all hate me? Lenny_Leonard: That's right, Brainiac. You cost us our jobs, which we need for workin'. Carl_Carlson: Not to mention drivin' to. Moe_Szyslak: And I was a lot happier before I knew Dame Edna was a man. A lot happier.  Homer_Simpson: Hmm, I'm detecting a distinct strain of anti-intellectualism in this tavern... Moe_Szyslak: Power off, Einstein. Moe_Szyslak: So whaddaya want here? Uh, Appendectomy, lipo, or (EXCITED, SELLING) the "sampler"? That's very popular. Homer_Simpson: (DRAMATICALLY) I want you to stick this crayon into my brain. Moe_Szyslak: No problem. (ART CARNEY ARM FLOURISH) The ol' Crayola oblongata. Moe_Szyslak: All right, tell me when I hit the sweet spot. Homer_Simpson: Deeper, you pusillanimous pilsner-pusher. Moe_Szyslak: All right, all right. Homer_Simpson: (INANELY) Dee-fense! (GRUNTS TWICE) Dee-fense! (GRUNTS TWICE) Moe_Szyslak: (ALMOST THERE) That's pretty dumb... But uh... Homer_Simpson: Extended warranty? How can I lose? Moe_Szyslak: Perfect. Lenny_Leonard: Get him!   I'll give ya till "three." Moe_Szyslak: (COUNTING) One... Moe_Szyslak: Hey Homer, who's the manatee? Homer_Simpson: Aw, now, be nice, Moe. This guy just got out of the hospital. Moe_Szyslak: Ooh, sorry. Ah, lemme buy ya a drink. Comic_Book_Guy: Very well. (CLEARS THROAT) Comic_Book_Guy: I will have a shot of cranberry schnapps. (POINTS TO BOTTLE) Moe_Szyslak: (LAUGHS, PATS WALL) Ah, these, aah, they're just painted on, there. Your choices are beer and, ah... (SCANNING BAR, SEES JAR) egg soakin's. Comic_Book_Guy: I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.  Lenny_Leonard: Nobody badmouths Duff!  Homer_Simpson: (TO COMIC BOOK GUY) C'mon, you're here to make friends. Comic_Book_Guy: Oh, please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning, I'd befriend an air conditioner. Moe_Szyslak: Oh, now he's raggin' on air conditioners. Carl_Carlson: (INDIGNANT) Hey, they keep us cool in the summer, pal! Comic_Book_Guy: Is there a word in Klingon for "Loneliness"? Comic_Book_Guy: Oh, yes. (GUTTURAL KLINGON NOISES) Homer_Simpson: And I gave that man directions, even though I didn't know the way. 'Cause that's the kind of guy I am this week. Lenny_Leonard: (ANNOYED SOUND) Lousy Isotopes! They're a disgrace to baseball. Carl_Carlson: They lost again? Lenny_Leonard: (NODS) Mm hmm. The team's been terrible since they got bought by the cheap, heartless Duff Corporation. Hey Moe, gimme a Duff. (DRINKING ONE) Oh yeah, sweet Duff. Carl_Carlson: Wait a minute. Duff owns the Springfield Isotopes? Since when? Moe_Szyslak: They bought 'em a year ago, from the Mafia. It was the last of the family-owned teams. Lenny_Leonard: I tried to return my season ticket, but they wouldn't give me my money back. They said they wanted it. Homer_Simpson: Say no more. I'll help you, Lenny. Lenny_Leonard: (SURPRISED) You wanna help me? Moe_Szyslak: Haven't you heard? He's the new Homer. Carl_Carlson: He's wonderful. Homer_Simpson: Quick, Moe! Marge cut off my thumb! Moe_Szyslak: No problem. Just stick the ol' eye-gouger in the pickle brine. That'll keep your thumb fresh and delicious. Homer_Simpson: Thanks, Moe.  Homer_Simpson: Well, I really shouldn't, what with my massive blood loss and all... (LOOKING AT THUMB) Although I do like the occasional beer... Homer_Simpson: (LOUD) Did you ever see that "Blue Man Group?" Total rip-off of the Smurfs. And the Smurfs?  Moe_Szyslak: (SNIFFS) Uh-oh. I smell gangrene. We gotta wake him up. Barney_Gumble: (HOLDING CUP) A little coffee'll do the trick. Homer_Simpson: (WAKING-UP SOUND, THEN INSTANTLY SOBER) I've gotta get to Dr. Nick's! Homer_Simpson: Where's Marge?! (DISAPPROVING SOUND) That is so rude. (MOANS) I know, I'll hitchhike. Lisa_Simpson: My Dad's not here? I need a ride to school. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, yeah. We all got problems. Lisa_Simpson: Chief Wiggum, can you drive me to school? It's an emergency. Chief_Wiggum: Ah, no can do, Dollface. I've got an informant wearing a wire. Chief_Wiggum: (EXCITED) Heh, just like on "Nash Bridges." We're tryin' to get the goods on some smugglers. VOICE_ON_TRANSMITTER: Why, I'd be delighted to sell you some illegally smuggled goods. Lisa_Simpson: That sounds like Fat Tony. Chief_Wiggum: Hm, only one way to be sure. Chief_Wiggum: (INTO MIC) Fat Tony, is that you? Fat Tony? 2ND_VOICE_ON_TRANSMITTER: Hey, where's that voice comin' from? 3RD_VOICE: This guy's wearing a wire!  Chief_Wiggum: (PRESSES BUTTON) My bad. I can't work my answering machine either. Now I need a new informant. Say, Lisa, people trust you. How'd you like to be a snitch? The pay stinks, but-- Chief_Wiggum: Oh. Homer_Simpson: Quick, Moe! Marge cut off my thumb. Marge_Simpson: Lisa! Lisa_Simpson: Mom? Where'd you get that car? Marge_Simpson: I stole it from McBain after I cut off your father's thumb. Lisa_Simpson: Can you take me to school? Please? Marge_Simpson: Not right now. Your father's in there and -- Homer_Simpson: (LOUD) Did you ever see that "Blue Man Group?" Marge_Simpson: Oh, he's on the Blue Man group again. C'mon, we've got lotsa time. Chief_Wiggum: Your mission is to find the fireworks smugglers and get them to say something incriminating (HE TAPS A TAPE RECORDER ON THE TABLE) on this tape. Bart_Simpson: Hootie and the Blowfish? Chief_Wiggum: Yeah. It's cheaper than blank tape. Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, but they come over here in the wheel wells of Aer Lingus jets. Carl_Carlson: Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Uh, go with the leprechaun. Homer_Simpson: Guys, I am not cursed!  I couldn't bear to watch you die. Carl_Carlson: (DYING) Well, okay, but hurry up. Homer_Simpson: (DISTRAUGHT) Oh, Moe, they're dead! And it's all my fault! Homer_Simpson: When did that happen? Homer_Simpson: I hit my head, Moe. Moe_Szyslak: One beer, comin' up. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, hey. No kids in the bar. Homer_Simpson: Since when? Moe_Szyslak: Oh, the heat's been on since them Bush girls were in here. Homer_Simpson: All right, all right. (DEJECTED) Come on, Bart. Bart_Simpson: I'm cold and scared. Homer_Simpson: That's my little slugger. Bart_Simpson: C'mon, Dad. Let's go. Homer_Simpson: Hey, knock it off! These pants cost six hundred dollars! Moe_Szyslak: Really? Homer_Simpson: Yeah, they're Italian. Moe_Szyslak: (PULLING SHOTGUN) All right. Hand 'em over. Homer_Simpson: Moe? What the?... Moe_Szyslak: Yeah, I rob now. Homer_Simpson: Yes. Eventually, I became King of the Morlocks. Carl_Carlson: But Morlocks are from the future. Homer_Simpson: You callin' me a liar, Carl? Moe_Szyslak: Wait a minute, Homer. If it's true, what about all the stuff you weren't around for? Lenny_Leonard: Yeah. How'd you know the Chinese were spyin' on ya? Homer_Simpson: Oh, I just naturally assumed. Moe_Szyslak: That is the stupidest story I ever heard, and I've read the entire Sweet Valley High series. Ha.  Barney_Gumble: Sorry, Shaggy. Barney_Gumble: (TO MOE) Oh, now I gotta go home to that. Thanks a lot. Moe_Szyslak: Ah, quitcher bellyaching, coffee boy. You're lucky I let ya in here. Homer_Simpson: Geez Moe, you've been a real crank lately. Moe_Szyslak: You take that back. Homer_Simpson: Now, ya see, that's what I'm talkin' about. You're always pointing that shotgun at us. Lenny_Leonard: And callin' us dumb-asses... Carl_Carlson: Which we're so not. Moe_Szyslak: (LOWERS GUN) But, can you blame me? Every day it's the same old routine. I serve you drinks, you yak on and on and on, and I never get one stinkin' tip. Homer_Simpson: Maybe we'd tip you if you'd smile once in a while. Moe_Szyslak: What d'ya call this? Carl_Carlson: Shesh, don't do that! Moe_Szyslak: Ah, who am I kiddin'? I ain't smiled for real since I nailed that rat with the ice pick. Ha, remember that? Homer_Simpson: That was an amazing throw. Moe_Szyslak: Ahh! How did I lose my passion for the job? When I was in bartending school, I thought I had the world by the jigger. Homer_Simpson: Hey, where'd that painting come from? Moe_Szyslak: Ah, I put this up recently, and it's a good thing I did, 'cause it really illustrates my point. (TURNS BACK TO PAINTING) Yep, good ol' Swigmore U. Carl_Carlson: Gee, uh, when you talk about that school, your voice fills with, uh... what do you call it? Human feeling. Lenny_Leonard: Yeah, maybe you should, uh... what's the expression? Go back there. Moe_Szyslak: What's the word I'm searching for? Uh... yeah! (PUTTING ON COAT) A trip to the alma mater might really rekindle my love of gettin' people loaded. Carl_Carlson: But who'll run the bar while you're gone? Homer_Simpson: Ooh, ooh, pick me! Lenny_Leonard: Pick me, Lenny! Carl_Carlson: Pick me! I'm an urban Lenny. Moe_Szyslak: Look, I don't wanna start A tinklin' contest here... (INTRIGUED) or do I? Moe_Szyslak: ...  Homer_Simpson: Can do. Now don't you worry about a thing. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, what are you doin'? I gotta pay for that! Homer_Simpson: No Moe. You've got it all wrong. People buy beer from you. Moe_Szyslak: (EXASPERATED SIGH) All right, look, I-I gotta go. Homer_Simpson: (MATTER-OF-FACT) I thought you said you had to go. Homer_Simpson: Man, when's the last time Moe cleaned this? Carl_Carlson: Hey, Homer! Another Duff! Lenny_Leonard: Hey Homer, do you mind if I bring in some outside food? Homer_Simpson: Oh, I don't know. What would Moe say about that? Homer_Simpson: (SLYLY) But on the other hand, Moe's not here. Lenny_Leonard: Ah, Homer, you're the greatest. Barney_Gumble: Hey! (ETC.) Lenny_Leonard: (TO GUYS) Sorry. Sorry. Homer_Simpson: (GOOD NATURED) For what? (WALKING TOWARD JUKEBOX) A little splattered food never hurt anybody.  Barney_Gumble: Hey, what happened to the music? Homer_Simpson: Don't worry. You gotta hit it just right. Like Fonzie. Homer_Simpson: Ayyy! Homer_Simpson: Oh! Whoa! Hemorrhage-amundo!  Homer_Simpson: (STILL COOL) Ayyy. Homer_Simpson: Yello? Bart_Simpson: Yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger. First name, Ollie. Homer_Simpson: (EXCITED) Ooo, Bart! (REALIZING) My first prank call. What do I do? Bart_Simpson: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger. Homer_Simpson: I don't get it. Bart_Simpson: (ANNOYED, DELIBERATE) Yell out "I'll eat a booger." Homer_Simpson: What's the gag? Bart_Simpson: Oh, forget it. Moe_Szyslak: Hey, Homer.  Moe_Szyslak: (BEING HIT SOUNDS) Hey, Homer stop, stop! It's me! Geez. (TAKES OFF HARDHAT) Homer_Simpson: (INCREDULOUS) Moe? Wrecking Moe's bar? Homer_Simpson: Wow, well I (NERVOUS GIGGLE) I almost fainted, but then I didn't. (LOOKING AROUND, UPSET) What are you doing? Moe_Szyslak: My Professor said if I prettied up this dump, it would renew my zeal. Homer_Simpson: And it would look pretty, too.  Formico: I am Formico. The Dean of Design. Homer_Simpson: Hi, Formico. Formico: Ah, ah, ah! My name must never be spoken. Homer_Simpson: Sorry. (TO MOE) He seems nice. Lisa_Simpson: How'd they get your bar back to normal so quickly, Moe? Moe_Szyslak: It's a snap when you use Certified Contractors. Bart_Simpson: Like the ones found in your local Yellow Pages. Moe_Szyslak: Exactly. Homer_Simpson: I'm sorry I shot you, Moe. Moe_Szyslak: Ah, that's okay. It's like my Dad always said, "Eventually everybody gets shot." Marge_Simpson: Aw, I'm glad you two are friends again so we can all have Thanksgiving dinner together in this bar. Homer_Simpson: (NOTICING BAND) Hey, who invited the hippies? Lisa_Simpson: I did. You owe REM an apology for, eco-fraud. Homer_Simpson: (RELUCTANT) All right, I'm sorry... (BITTER) but I will not save the rainforest. Peter_Buck: Good enough. Let's eat. Lisa_Simpson: And we should all be thankful to Michael, Peter and Mike for supplying this beautiful turkey, made entirely of tofu. Mike_Mills: Tofu and gluten! Bart_Simpson: I'm thankful I ate before I came. Michael_Stipe: Oh, come on, Bart. Smell those curds! (SNIFFS, SATISFIED SIGH) Mmmmm, curds. Homer_Simpson: And I'm thankful I get to spend Thanksgiving with my family, these alternative rockers, and my favorite bartender. Moe_Szyslak: Ah, here you go, pal. (GIVES HOMER A BEER) Homer_Simpson: And here you go. Homer_Simpson: Okay Gabriel, this is a "bar." It's where I go to drink "alcohol," which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia. Gabriel: (ANGRY) Homer, I am not an angel! Homer_Simpson: Well, not with that temper. Homer_Simpson: (DRUNK) Look, the thing about my family is, there's five of us.  How I loathe him. Carl_Carlson: No. You're thinking of someone with two knives. Moe_Szyslak: I gotta tell ya, this is pretty terrific. (LAUGHS) Yeah. Homer_Simpson: My lady's glass is empty, Moe. Bring her another cookies 'n' creme martini. Amber_Dempsey: (TIPSY) No, honey. This time make it a "Sex on the Beach." And hold the beach. (SMALL ANNOYING LAUGH) Lenny_Leonard: (ADMIRING) Gee, Homer. Your new wife is great. Her lips look like night-crawlers.  Lenny_Leonard: Wowww. Homer_Simpson: To Amber... who proves there are seconds in the buffet of life. Lenny_Leonard: Well, I say the most clothespins a man could attach to his face is eighty-seven. Carl_Carlson: You counting the neck? Lenny_Leonard: You know I am. Carl_Carlson: All right. (PUNCHES PALM) Outside. Homer_Simpson: Peace, my people. All shall be looked up. (FLIPS THROUGH THE BOOK) Let's see, most clothespins: swallowed, inserted... here we go, clipped to face and neck. One hundred and sixteen. Lenny_Leonard: Geez, I was wrong, but I ain't angry. Carl_Carlson: And I'm magnanimous in victory. Moe_Szyslak: Wow, that's the best book I've ever seen! Homer_Simpson: (CHECKING BOOK) No, the best book you've ever seen is Tom Clancy's "Op Center." Moe_Szyslak: (AMAZED) That thing knows me better than I know myself. Duffman: Hey, Duff lovers! Does anyone in this bar love Duff? Carl_Carlson: Hey, it's Duffman! Lenny_Leonard: Newsweek said you died of liver failure. Duffman: Duffman can never die. Only the actors who play him. (THRUST) Oh yeah! Moe_Szyslak: Ah, you must be here for the uh, Duff trivia challenge. Duffman: That's right, local distributor. One of you could win a lifetime supply of Duff. Duffman: Okay, chug-monkeys. What beverage, brewed since ancient times, is made from hops and grains? Lenny_Leonard: How about "Ancient Hop Grain Juice"?  Moe_Szyslak: Oh, oh, what are you doing?  Duffman: Time's up. The answer is (TURNS CARD OVER, READING:) beer! Ooh, Duff luck. Carl_Carlson: I never woulda figured that out. Lenny_Leonard: Hm. Now, that's the kinda thing you just gotta know. Homer_Simpson: And when I couldn't talk, I learned to listen. Homer_Simpson: I learned so much about my family. You'd be surprised how much you hear if you just listen once in a while. Lenny_Leonard: Really? Let's try it. Moe_Szyslak: Hello? Yeah, I'd like to arrange for an escort please. Moe_Szyslak: To where? How 'bout "Orgasmville"? Hello? Hello? Moe_Szyslak: Uh, hey, how ya doin'? Homer_Simpson: I was just tellin' all the guys how losing the power of speech made me a better man. Lindsay_Naegle: I couldn't agree more. You're today's modern, enlightened man -- the kind we television producers have been booking since the mid-seventies. Carl_Carlson: Hey, what are you doing in here? Lindsay_Naegle: (ALL BUSINESS) I'm an alcoholic. Homer, will you appear on my show? Homer_Simpson: Sure thing, Alky. Homer_Simpson: (GRANDIOSE) This round's on me, Moe. I got a big payday comin'. Homer_Simpson: Yeah. Homer sold his wife for a million bucks. Homer_Simpson: I didn't sell her. I just rented her to an old boyfriend. Homer_Simpson: Gee, a million bucks, that's gonna buy him a lot of, uh... Swings in the old battin' cage. (PERVERTED NOISE) Lenny_Leonard: Looks like everyone's a winner. Marge gets a great new life... Carl_Carlson: And you get more sprawl space on the bed. Homer_Simpson: (WORRIED) Wait, you really think Marge is gonna fall for this guy? Even after I bought her that hockey-fight tape?  Lenny_Leonard: Me too.  He's like a spy in the house of Moe. Homer_Simpson: Oh God, you're right. I've gotta get her back before it's too late. Homer_Simpson: (PANTS) That's enough running. Homer_Simpson: Oh guys, it was horrible. I saw Marge kissing a far superior man. Moe_Szyslak: Ah, well if it makes you feel any better, he's probably doin' her right now. Moe_Szyslak: Oh yeah, make me the bad guy. Homer_Simpson: My life here is over. (STANDS UP, DRAMATIC) Lenny, how'd you like to leave town with me, and never come back? Lenny_Leonard: Sounds like a plan. Homer_Simpson: Then it's settled. We leave Springfield forever. Carl_Carlson: What'd I miss? Anything good? Lookalike: (PEPPY) Hi, I'm Chuck. (POINTS TO DOOR THROUGH WHICH MCBAIN EXITED) I live in his trunk. Homer_Simpson: (GRANDIOSE) Hello, gentlemen. Would you care to meet my new best friend... Homer_Simpson: Rainier Wolfcastle. Carl_Carlson: (TEENAGE GIRL) OhmyGod, ohmyGod, ohmyGod... Lenny_Leonard: Hey, I've been using that ab roller you endorse, but I haven't gotten any results. Rainier_Wolfcastle: Right, because you've been using it backward. Carl_Carlson: Are you really Homer's friend? Lenny_Leonard: After they shoot your movies, who gets the leftover film? Moe_Szyslak: Is it true that if I kill you I become you? Rainier_Wolfcastle: (DISGUSTED NOISE) This looks like a job for my authorized lookalike. Moe_Szyslak: So how much you lookalikes make? 'Cause some say I look like Macaulay Culkin.
The first thing to do to any dataset is preprocessing. Implement the following preprocessing functions below:
To create a word embedding, you first need to transform the words to ids. In this function, create two dictionaries:
vocab_to_int
int_to_vocab
Return these dictionaries in the following tuple (vocab_to_int, int_to_vocab)
import numpy as np
from collections import Counter
import problem_unittests as tests
def create_lookup_tables(text):
"""
Create lookup tables for vocabulary
:param text: The text of tv scripts split into words
:return: A tuple of dicts (vocab_to_int, int_to_vocab)
"""
# TODO: Implement Function
counts = Counter(text)
vocab = sorted(counts, key=counts.get, reverse=True)
vocab_to_int = {word: ii for ii, word in enumerate(vocab, 1)}
int_to_vocab = {ii: word for ii, word in enumerate(vocab, 1)}
return vocab_to_int, int_to_vocab
"""
DON'T MODIFY ANYTHING IN THIS CELL THAT IS BELOW THIS LINE
"""
tests.test_create_lookup_tables(create_lookup_tables)
Tests Passed
We'll be splitting the script into a word array using spaces as delimiters. However, punctuations like periods and exclamation marks make it hard for the neural network to distinguish between the word "bye" and "bye!".
Implement the function token_lookup
to return a dict that will be used to tokenize symbols like "!" into "||Exclamation_Mark||". Create a dictionary for the following symbols where the symbol is the key and value is the token:
This dictionary will be used to token the symbols and add the delimiter (space) around it. This separates the symbols as it's own word, making it easier for the neural network to predict on the next word. Make sure you don't use a token that could be confused as a word. Instead of using the token "dash", try using something like "||dash||".
def token_lookup():
"""
Generate a dict to turn punctuation into a token.
:return: Tokenize dictionary where the key is the punctuation and the value is the token
"""
# TODO: Implement Function
pun_to_token = {'.': '||Period||', ',': '||Comma||', '"':'||Quotation_Mark||', ';': '||Semicolon||',
'!': '||Exclamation_mark||', '?': '||Question_mark||', '(': '||Left_Parentheses||',
')': '||Right_Parentheses||', '--':'||Dash||', '\n': '||Return||'}
return pun_to_token
"""
DON'T MODIFY ANYTHING IN THIS CELL THAT IS BELOW THIS LINE
"""
tests.test_tokenize(token_lookup)
Tests Passed
Running the code cell below will preprocess all the data and save it to file.
 If you ever decide to come back to this notebook or have to restart the notebook, you can start from here. The preprocessed data has been saved to disk.
"""
DON'T MODIFY ANYTHING IN THIS CELL
"""
import helper
import numpy as np
import problem_unittests as tests