Martin wanted to wait till the first rush of tourists had passed, so he could explain everything to me himself.
Oh.
About this book.

More than a great deal. I think he has an unusual amount of courage.
More than you and I, and more than average people.
I mean, if was me, I would faint.
I mean, most people would take time to recover.
But he didn't.
You see, I think he's, uh… He's a very a cool man under pressure.
Hey, that's nice, isn't it? Isn't that beautifully cut? Custom tailored.
You know, I think it's almost too nice.
I mean, all that concern about clothes, it's kinda vain, don't you think?
[Clicks Tongue] Some men, Lieutenant…
do not want to look like an unmade bed.
Just look at this stuff. [Clicks Tongue]
Look at that!
I mean, this man just had a natural flair for attracting attention to himself.
Sometimes undesirable attention, Lieutenant.
You don't seem surprised to see me.
Oh, I was kind of expecting you. I mean, when I spoke to Mrs. Stewart…
I had a hunch that she'd tell you.
I'd like to know what this is all about.
All right, sir. I'll get right to the point.
It's has to do with that duplicate of your gun.
What about it?
Well, I find it hard to believe…
Mrs. Stewart, see if you agree with me on this…
lfind it hard to believe that a man like General Hollister…
who saved and cherished every war souvenir…
even the smallest photograph…
I just think it's strange that he was so careless as to allow his gun to be stolen.
I mean, that pistol was the most famous single symbol ofhis whole legend.
You agree with me, don't you?
Well… [Sighs]
I don't know what you want me to say.
Well, if it was me… if it was my gun…
I would take very good care of that gun.
I'd have it in my apartment where people could see it…
and I would keep it polished, and I would keep it oiled…
and I would keep it loaded.
And when a certain Colonel Dutton came to see me…
and threatened to expose me,
that's the gun that I would use.
Well, if what you say is true, I mean, you searched!
- Where is that gun?
- That's what I asked myself.
Where is the gun?
Why not on public display? Why not in a glass case?
Why not in front of thousands of people?
And after we found Colonel Duttors body, anybody else…
you, me, anybody else…
We'd have gotten rid of that gun.
We found the bullet in the victim…
and the ballistics check will match up the bullet with the gun.
But somehow, General, something told me…
that you could never get rid of that gun.
It meant too much to you.
You couldn't even part with a cigarette lighter.
No, that pearl-handled pistol was just too tied up in your pride.
Because of your tremendous belief in yourself, you figured everyone would accept your story…
about having a duplicate made.
But there never was a duplicate made, was there?
This, in fact, is the murder weapon, isn't it, General?
I assume Ballistics has checked out the gun.
That won't be necessary. All right, Lieutenant.
[Softly] I'm sorry.
What is it with me, Lieutenant, huh?
I seem to have a special talent, you know? I mean, with…
With all the men in the world,
I always seem to pick Mr. Wrong.
I'm seriously considering locking myself in a closet for the rest of my life.
No. That's wrong.
That's just the way my niece, Marilyn, felt after her divorce.
Now she's got a new husband. As a matter of fact, he's a cop.
And they got six kids.
Lieutenant… I mean, just between us, would you tell me the truth?
Do you really have a niece? What kind of a question is that? 'Do I really have a niece?"
Well, do you? Of course I've got a niece! My wife's sister's girl, Cynthia.
[Doorbell Chimes]
You're late. I'm sorry. The path out there was dark.
Anybody see you? No. And I parked where you told me.
Good. Take that.
[Gasps]
Pull yourself together. There's no reason to be frightened.
It's just my uncle.
And I assure you, he's far more amiable now than he ever was when he was alive.
I'll be all right. Of course you will, my love.
I couldn't possibly be any help to your career from inside a gas chamber.
Don't say things like that.
Anyway, what difference does my career make?
Dale, look, they're all yours now.
They will be, but not unless you do your part.
Don't worry, Dale. L… I was just a little upset.
Now I'm fine. Good.
Now remember, when you open the window, fire high.
You better get started. That electric blanket goes back upstairs…
Top drawer, left side. How many times have you told me that? Dale, hurry!
[Door Opens, Closes]
[Chattering]
All right, Melvin, 5,000 and it's a steal.
Would you please move faster? Uh, boys, keep those bottles popping.
Thank you. Good evening.
One thousand dollars? And you're not even a Frenchman. [Woman] Mingle, mingle.
Well, you see, the only thing I really need is something pink for the guest bathroom.
I just paint the pictures, ma'am, I don't set prices.
Don't pick on my artist, darling. After all, your husband adores cactus. He told me so.
I know, but it's the wrong shade of pink for the wallpaper.
Well, how about 800? I mean, that's if he takes the green Indian to go in the office.
Mind you… I'm so glad you…
Oh, excuse me.
Dale! Dale Kingston, I don't believe it.
Your invitation said free champagne, Mitilda, my love.
 You never come to my showings. Sam, quick!
Well, I had nothing to do tonight anyway. I was half hoping that it'd be over by…
Oh, it's just begun. Please, Dale. Excuse me.
Uh… [Clears Throat] Sam… This is Sam Franklin.
It's his first private showing, so would you please be nice? Honey, this is Dale Kingston.
How do you do? Yes, yes. How do you do, sir?
Oh, you must be the artist of these, uh, arid little landscapes, aren't you?
Well, they're not too bad. Not too bad at all. Thank you.
Mr. Kingston? Mr. DaleKingston? Yes.
Yes. And you're the famous art critic?
Well, as of the moment, yes, whatever the moment happens to be…
Of course he is, darling, and you're already raving about Sam's work.
I'm sorry, dear. But you couldn't possibly have this cactus for a penny less than 12.
- I have five minutes to 11:00, sir.
- Five to 11:00.
- Yes.
- So it is.
Thank you very much, Mr., uh, Franklin.
Oh, of course you'd love champagne. Oh, you bet.
Sam, the painting.
And so that the meaning of the mobile stems not only from its form,
but the relationship between the pieces, which gives it its meaning.
And I suppose the relationship between the pieces is really where it's at, isn't it?
[All Laughing]
Yes.
[Gunshot] [Tires Screech]
[Keys Jangling]
It's not so much a question of his masculinity. I think the artist just saw him that way.
[All Laughing] I'll drink to that.
You notice no matter how abstract the painter,
he always signs his name realistically, doesn't he?
[Laughing] Of course.
[Engine Starts]
[Police Chatter]
[Man] Were you home tonight? Oh, no, sir.
My wife and I left the house at 8:00. It's our regular night off.
There's just you and your wife? No other servants in a place this size?
Well, Mr. Mathews seldom entertained.
He was divorced many years ago and has very few friends.
Tonight I believe he planned to spend in his room reading. Just a minute.
You got all this, Columbo? You want anything more from Mr. Evans?
No.
Please, sir!
Mr. Mathews was very fussy about smoking.
Oh, sorry.
Oh, Doctor, call us from downtown, will ya?
Oh, I don't think the autopsy will change my opinion.
It was a single bullet. Must've died almost instantly.
And the time of death? Oh, I'd say around 11:00, give or take a few minutes.
Wasn't it? Yeah. The body was still warm.
Talk to you later, Captain.
Oh, Mr. Kingston. I've been trying to reach you. I'm so terribly sorry.
Somebody broke in, I assume? Yes, your uncle probably came down…
I told him about it. He just got back to his apartment at 2:00,
His gun is missing from his desk. After some party at a gallery, he says.
There are two paintings missing, I think. I told them to hold everything for you.
Mr. Kingston, we've been waiting to dust some of these canvases for fingerprints.
Evans wouldn't let us touch anything but the frames.
Well, it's perfectly all right. No problem as long as you're careful.
Well, I would hope he keeps on and keeps the house.
After all, he's Mr. Mathews's only living relative.
But, really, sir, at a time like this… Oh, listen. I'm sorry.
Of course. You're absolutely right.
 I'm sure she's very upset.
Thank you.
Uh, Mr. Kingston, before you get too involved there…
Excuse me a minute, Captain. Okay.
I wonder if maybe first you'd try to help me out with a problem I have?
Yes. Um, it's this…
this painting. Well, what's the problem?
Haven't you ever seen people without faces before?
They've loaned them out.
You've heard of two-faced people, I suppose?
Oh, yes. But, uh,
you see, it's this crazy signature that bothers me…
DeGrote. George DeGrote. Quite famous.
I thought so. Isn't that funny?
'Cause I noticed the signatures on this other painting, um…
Does that say Birnbaum? Yes, it does.
That's what I thought. 'Birnbaum."
You'd think that these artists would be able to write more clearly.
Really, do you think all this is quite appropriate at this time, Mr…
Oh, I guess not. Uh, I realize this has been a terrible shock for you.
I wanna express my deepest sympathies. Thank you, Mr…
Lieutenant Columbo. Oh, yes. Thank you.
Uh, tell me, Mr. Kingston, has anybody tried to rob this place before?
Certainly. This place is a magnet for art thieves.
It's one of the finest collections in the world. Is that so?
Yes. Really? Very impressive.
You seem inordinately fascinated by these paintings.
Well, I'll tell you what bothers me. You see, it's this.
If you came in here to grab some paintings, wouldn't you grab a DeGrote first…
instead of a Birnbaum? Perhaps. But then, I'm an art critic.
You're the detective. You're the art critic. That's right.
And I'm gonna need a lot of your help. I suppose you noticed that already.
Uh, like in there, there's two little frames and they're empty,
and there doesn't seem to be anything around that fits inside.
Oh, no.
Now, Mr. Evans wasn't quite sure either.
He thought that one of'em had some dancing girls.
But I don't think he knows much about art either.
He also said that a lot of these things had just been rehung.
That they'd just come back from some kind of a traveling exhibit?
Yes, that's what those crates are out in the hall there. I unpacked most of them myself.
Yeah. You know, I noticed that a piece of that wrapping paper had been torn loose.
These two are listed in the exhibit catalogue.
Got that in here somewhere.
[Clears Throat] Here, look.
Those were the two that were taken? Yes.
- Hey, they're beautiful.
- They're two of my favorites.
Degas pastels.
Pastels? You mean like the kids use in school?
Nobody ever used pastels like Degas, Lieutenant.
These two alone together happen to be won'th over a half million dollars.
[Whistles]
You know, that's funny too.
Not at all. There isn't a painting in this entire exhibit that's won'th under 50,000.
No, I mean that out there, somebody picked a Birnbaum first.
Then when your uncle interfered, then when he went to his desk and took out a gun,
then when he was killed… in the middle of all that, then…
the thief suddenly got smart,
and he took two of the most valuable paintings in the house and he ran.
Guess that does seem a bit inconsistent, doesn't it?
Then life has its own inconsistencies.
Lt. Columbo? Oh, Sally, nice of you to come.
Let's go out back. I wanna try something.
Uh, Mr. Kingston, you might be interested in this.
Uh, you were here? Yeah, that's right.
Wait there. I'll holler. All right.
Hi. Hi. Hi, Charlie. How are you?
What's all this?
Well, you see, they have private patrolmen here to make checks at every hour.
At 11:00… No, no, no. I mean this, this, this.
What? Oh, the lock? Yes.
Well, you see, he found that open. The lock was scarred like it'd been forced from the outside.
Of course, what I don't understand is why the burglar alarm didn't go off.
A professional thief could manage that pretty well, couldn't he? No, no, no.
You see, professionals, they always pick windows.
They're just easier to crack. Sally, are you ready? Whenever you are.
Okay. When I holler inside, you run just the way I told you to run.
Okay! Here she goes!
Well? [Guard] That's it. That's what I heard.
I couldn't be sure before. I was running myself.
Now you heard high heels on those stone steps? Yes, sir.
Thank you very much. You bet.
Charlie, will you get Sally? Wait a minute.
You mean, you think the thief was a woman? One of'em.
- One of them?
- Well, there were too many pictures for
one person to carry, don't you think?
And besides, the burglar alarm thing. You know, there's only one way to really beat that…
is if you have somebody else from the inside open the door.
- I don't think I understand.
- You know what?
That's the trouble. Neither do I.
Well, if you ever want to know any more about art, Lieutenant.
Oh. Thank you very much. Well, listen, now that you mention it, tell me this.
How does a thief get rid of a painting like that?
I mean, if they're that famous, how can anybody sell it?
Well, someone in a foreign country maybe.
Although, art thieves usually try to make a deal of some kind with the owner, the gallery, the insurance company.
You see, that's what I thought. It's just like a kidnapping.
Yes. In other words, what they want really is the ransom.
Exactly. Right.
So, you know in this case, somebody must be pretty scared right now, don't you think?
Might be anxious to settle quick.
Possibly. Sure.
You know, and since you're the first person they might try to contact…
I'll tell you what. You give me your telephone number…
and I'll put a tap on your phone and we'll monitor all your calls.
You wouldn't mind that, would you?
Of course not. Why should I?
Gee, thank you very much. Good night.
Good night.
[Line Ringing]
[Phone Ringing]
[Continues Ringing]
[Bell Rings]
[Groans]
Look out! Gee, I'm sorry.
[Laughs] Oh, that's all right. I've been bumping into things myself today.
A little bit too much of the grape last night. I didn't clear out of here till 3:00 a.m.
Mr. Kingston went home a little earlier than that, I guess.
Well, he stayed long enough to make every other gallery owner on the street green with envy.
Of course, you know, Dale is usually in London or Paris.
He doesn't fool around with us peasants.
I'll tell you what I really wanna know… what time he got here.
Yes. I know, I know.
Uh, Sam is right through there. I called the parking boy. Be over in a minute.
Sam, this is the policeman who phoned.
Is it all right? Uh, bring him in.
They interrupted Rembrandt, why shouldn't they interrupt me?
Yeah, what is it?
If I'm interrupting something… No, you're not interrupting anything.
Uh, forgive the mood, but, uh, you caught me in a bad day.
This here is Chris. Oh, hi.
Hello. Are you an artist? No.
I can come back another time. I think I'm… Go ahead and interrupt.
I'm here under duress. Thanks a lot.
Stop moving! I'm trying to paint you. Well, paint.
Well, actually, it's very routine. It's not that important. I think…
Well, me and champagne are not routine.
And if you're interested in finding out about Mr. Kingston, what time he got here I don't know.
Uh, there was something about his watch, but I'm not sure.
Might help if you try to remember.
Oh, yeah. Well… [Exhales]
Uh, there was something wrong with his watch.
Yeah, that's it, and, uh, and he asked me what time it was.
That's it. That's it. I see.
Well, thanks. Sorry to bother you. No bother.
Right. I'm in my commercial phase right now.
Yeah. Sam's just mad at the whole world that's all.
That's because I made him put her in his pretty pink cactus.
Can you imagine? He thinks the artist should decide what the… Mitilda, are you looking for me?
[Mumbles] Fine.
Well, listen, I'll let you finish your work. Excuse me.
Do come back soon. [Sam] Stop moving!
All right.

Sure, I remember. The guy who gave me two bucks.
Two bucks? Just for parking a car?
No. He lost a cuff link. I helped him search the whole car for it,
trunk and everything. Did you find it?
No. Why? Well, you know, most people's trunks, they're kind of messy to look into.
His wasn't. Nothing but a spare tire and a topcoat. Nothing else in the whole car.
What time was that? Would you know?
Oh, sure, 'cause he asked me. Something was wrong with his watch, I guess.
- It was five minutes to 11:00, sir.
- Mmm. Thanks. All right, that's it.
Now, uh, what is this all about?
Because, like, uh, Dale's uncle was murdered sometime last night, right?
Oh, no. Oh, no… [Laughs]
When I think what this is gonna do to the art world.
Can you imagine an art critic ineriting that gorgeous collection? I do.
Hey. Hey, would you look at that.
A blue horse?
Painting the ladies and gentlemen of the Spanish court with a savage brush.
Relentlessly, unremittingly showing them in every detail,
down to the tiniest wart.
But, when you take the ' W" off of wart,
you are still left with ' art," and Goya was the penultimate artist.
We will continue our discussion of this fascinating artist tomorrow.
Copies of today's lecture may be obtained for a nominal fee by writing to this station.
This is Dale Kingston. Good afternoon.
[Announcer] Be with us again tomorrow when Channel 16…
brings you Dale Kingstors World of Art.
[TVClicks Off
[Rings]
Studio 2. Yeah, we just broke. I'll call him.
[Over P.A.] Telephone call, Mr. Kingston. Thank you, Phil.
Phil, listen. While I've got you, can we manage to get… Is that on?

I'm always left with egg on my face. Thank you.
- Yes.
- Dale, I finally got you.
- I remembered you'd be
doing your show.
- What are you doing calling?
- I told you not to call
for a whole week.
- I know, but I was worried.
That's just free-floating anxiety, dear. Now, relax. Everything's going just…
I'm terribly sorry. No, I simply don't have time.
Well, Lieutenant. Gee, I wish you wouldn't hang up like that, Mr. Kingston.
I mean, somebody you don't know tries to call…
If I paid attention to every one of'em… You mean, that was a woman?
Yes, and it wasn't any ransom call if that's what you're thinking.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have a museum to go to, then a dinner, then a lecture.
Well, I was hoping that we could have a little time to talk. We can get together later if you'd like.
[Loud Exhale] No, I've gotta take my makeup off anyway.
May as well do it now. Follow me. Fine. Thank you very much.
Uh, so this is a television studio, huh? Yes.
Quite a place. Well, it's a barn, really.
I'm sure it's not as glamorous as you'd thought it'd be. That's right. It isn't.
But things aren't really what they seem to be, are they?
My, how observant you are.
Hildy, my beauty, how fast do you think we can get this paint off me?
I'll use high-speed turpentine.
Well, anyway, uh, I'm sorry to bother you here, but you haven't been home much.
Now that's too bad in a way. That tap on your phone, it's not helping us any.
I'm not your only possibility, Lieutenant.
I don't know whether you know this, but my uncle was married once.
In fact, his ex-wife still lists herself in the phone book under her married name.
So, you see, whoever took those paintings could very well be trying to contact her.
You know, somebody mentioned that. So I saw Mrs. Mathews this morning. We're watching her phone too.
[Chuckling] Oh, that must have been some interview.
Aunt Edna can be a bit trying. I thought she was kind of nice.
Oh, she's very nice, but, uh, trying.
Well, you said you had some questions you wanted to ask me?
Yeah. Nothing important, just a few details.
Like that backdoor thing. That really bothers me. What about it?
Um, does that coffee machine work? Yes, of course it does. What about it?
Well, you know, the lab says that there was just no way for that lock to be forced from the outside.
Thank you, Hildy. So?
Would you like a coffee? No, thanks.
Well, how did anyone get in?
You see, Evans is positive that all the doors were locked when he left the house earlier.
And I don't see your uncle letting anyone in, unless he knew 'em.
Did you come all this way just to tell me that?
Well, I thought you'd be interested. Like, I did clear up one routine thing.
You know that gallery you went to? Checked out. Hope you don't mind.
Well, that's your job. And?
The parking lot boy, he remembered when you got there all right.
So that if Mr. Mathews was killed at 11:00, then you sure didn't do it.
Now isn't that a shame, Lieutenant?
And here I am your best and most obvious suspect too. [Tsking]
Aw, don't say things like that. Really, you've got me all wrong.

But why would a person look in the trunk of a car for a missing cuff link?
[Brush Clatters On Vanity] 'Cause I happened to toss my topcoat in there…
in order to keep it from getting stolen.
- Then I noticed that the link
was missing.
- Of course.
See, I could've guessed that.
A little while later I found the link caught in the lining of my sleeve.
I'm gonna tell you somethir.
Do you know that there is a reasonable explanation for everything if you just put your mind to it?
Of course, sometimes these things, they pop up.
Like with alibis. Do you know in most cases,
people, they don't remember what time it is.
They forget all that. Like the artist fella.
He's all mixed up about the time.
And Mrs. Mathews, she don't even remember what time she went to bed last night.
Well, being sober might help, I suppose.
Now, with you, Mr. Kingston, it's just the opposite. Very unusual.
With you, we know exactly where you were and when.
Not only that, we know your whole car was empty.
Yes. Isn't that nice?
Well, if you'll excuse me. Mm. Oh, listen, by the way, can I show you something?
It's only gonna take a second. Uh, you can rent paintings, did you know that?
Yes, I know. And my father-in-law, he loves Western movies,
so I figured, a few bucks, you can't get hurt.
Uh, what do you think?
Any good? For wallpaper in a child's room, absolutely perfect.
In fact, it looks like it might've been done by an untalented 12-year-old.
You know, I was kind of afraid you were going to say something like that.

I mean, this was painted by the artist whose exhibit you were covering.
Lieutenant Columbo, unlike my uncle, I am not independently wealthy.
I have to work for a living. Magazines pay me to review art.
Unfortunately, they pay me best when I write hostile reviews about hacks like Sam Franklin.
Oh. Well, I'll tell ya, I'd sure hate to see his review when you write it.
Mmm. Oh, listen. One more thing.
It just… It'll just take a second. I stopped by your apartment a few times.
Why, do you want to search my place?
No. Just to ask you something about art.
You said you had some books and things there that I could see.
You may look at anything you wish.
You can snoop in all of my closets. You can peek under the beds.
You won't find any stolen paintings. Oh, really, I've never said anything about…
Here. Would you like the key to my apartment? You may simply leave it under the mat when you leave.
No, really. L… No, no. Go ahead. I insist.
See what I live like. Find out what kind of human being I am.
Learn everything you can about me.
Well, I… I mean, I admit it would be more convenient.
But, uh, thank you very much, Mr. Kingston.
Uh, I'm sorry I took up so much of your time.
I might drop by and borrow a few books or something like that.
See ya.
Dale!
You all right? Yeah. I'm sorry I called you.
Well, I just couldn't wait. I had to know what was happening.
Nothing's happening. No problems at all. Everything's just perfect.

Oh, yeah. I did exactly what you told me. I haven't touched a thing.
Good. You'll feel a lot better once you get those off your hands.
Hold that open for me.
Dale! What's the matter?
Well-Well, I never saw them before. They're beautiful.
Now why can't I paint like that?
Patience, my dear. Patience.
I told you you had talent when you first came to see me, remember?
Takes time to get what you really want.
Sometimes I think my talent isn't what you like best about me.
Well, it's a combination of things, Myla.
Dale, you do care for me, don't you?
After the risks you've taken for me?
Of course I do.
Now let's get out of here. Is there anything else you want me to do?
Not a thing. I'll be in touch with you by phone.
- When will I see you again?
- Very shortly, my love.
When will I…
[Tires Squealing]
Columbo.
- Mr. Kingston.
- What are you doing here
at this hour of the night?
Is it night?
Yes, it is.
Gee, I… I must've fallen asleep here.
I came in to read these book… Did you get your key?
I left a key under the mat. Oh, good. You got it.
Gee. Yes, I…
I was readir these articles. I must've fallen…
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm terribly sorry. I just fell asleep here.
Look, it's quite late, Lieutenant. If you don't mind,
I've just had a tiresome evening at a lecture,
after which I spent some time with some even more tiresome people from the museum.
So if you'll excuse me. Oh, of course.
I'll get out of your hair. I'm-I'm awfully sorry about this.
Did you pick up something interesting?
Uh, no, just some, um, insipid watercolors that these people want me to evaluate.
Watercolors? Yes.
I was just looking at watercolors. Matisse? Wonderful.
I'd love to hear what you had to say about him.
Could we take just a moment… No… Lieutenant, please!
If you don't mind, I… Oh.
It's quite late. I'm-I'm quite exhausted. Some other time, please.
Oh, I'm sorry. Of course. I should've realized. [Telephone Ringing]
I just got so caught up in this art thing… My phone. My phone, Lieutenant.
Your phone? My phone.
Oh. It, uh, just might be people about the ransom.
Oh. By all means.
Hello? Yes.
Yes, he is. Just a moment. It's for you.
I told 'em at the office that I might stop by.
Thank you very much. It's all right.
Yeah? What?
Well, where was it?
Yes, I understand, but why are you calling me for?
Oh. Okay, I'll be right down.
Mmm.
Listen, I'm sorry. I gotta run.
Gee, it's always somethir.
This highway patrolman, he found a girl in a car.
Ran over a cliff to Malibu Canyon.
Dead.
You get all sorts of cases, don't you? Yeah, listen.
They won't let me live. What are you gonna do?
Uh, I'm sorry. L-I didn't mean to fall asleep here.
I hope I didn't bother you too much. It's all right.
Get some rest.
[Columbo] Mrs. Mathews?
Oh, Lieutenant Columbo! How are ya?
I'm fine. Good. Listen,
Mr. Kingston and the attorney said it was all right if I dropped by.
I hope you don't mind. Oh, no! Of course not.
The more, the merrier. But it…
it does seem such a shame to hear poor Rudy this way.
All those ' whereases."
It won't sound like him at all.
You know, lawyers always have a way of makir… It's like an old movie…
with all the barristers and the butlers and the discarded wives…
all gathering together in the library to hear the will read.
Oh! Perhaps we'd better go.
It's never bothered me till just about two months ago.
Really? You know, I have a friend… He wasn't always a very nice man, you know.
Just business, business, business.
And then collecting. Oh!
Collecting like some old pack rat.
But how anyone could want to kill Rudy, I…
Oh, hello, Dale. Edna, darling.
How are you? Hello, Lieutenant.
Mr. Kingston. What have you got there this time, a pink rabbit?
Oh, this? No, no, not really. But it is something that I wanted to show you.
Oh, show me too. Edna, my dear.
Frank. Dale.
And Lt. Columbo. We can begin now.
Mr. Evans and his wife are here already.
But Lieutenant was just going to show us… Never mind. He'll show me.
We'll join you in a little while. Thank you, Frank.
I hope you're feeling better, Edna.
What do you think?
It's frightful. That's what I figured.
But you know what? I thought maybe you just might recognize the style or the signature.
No. Who on earth is Tracy?
Well, do you remember the other night when I had to leave your place in a hurry?
Oh, yes, that highway patrol thing. Some kind of an accident, wasn't it?
That's what it looked like. But you see, I told…
I said whenever a case comes up that has anything to do with art or painting, you call me.
Now, wait a minute. You mean it wasn't an accident?
Oh, yeah, it's an accident. I mean, that's what it's listed as.
But, anyway, you see, the dead girl, she was some kind of an art student.
And I thought, well, who knows, maybe you knew something about her.
Tracy O'Connor?
[Laughing]
Lieutenant, there must be over 100,000 art students in Southern California.
Well, you see, I remember seeir one of those lecture schedules in your apartment.
And a couple of months ago, you gave several lectures in the school where this girl was enrolled.
This is what she looks like. Be realistic, Lieutenant.
You think I can remember everyone who ever sat in on one of my lectures?
I've never seen that girl before in my life. Why don't you stop wasting everybody's time?
These are all minor details.
Sit down, Dale, won't you? Thank you, Frank.
'For their devoted service to me…
for the past 10 y…"
Uh, Lieutenant, why don't you make yourself comfortable.
We've uh, skimmed over the preliminaries. We're now down to the salient points.
Proceed as you wish, Counselor. Mmm.
'For their devoted service to me for the past 10 years,
'I bequeath to Mr. And Mrs. Evans jointly…
"an annual payment of $2,000… Oh!
"To be paid on the first day of each and every year…
'in which either one of them is still surviving.
Such a kind man.
"Finally, to, uh… to my primary heir of all previous wills, to my nephew Dale Kingston,
"whom I once supported through college…
"and who has had the full freedom of my home and possessions ever since without thought of recompense,
'I bequeath the full bulk and remainder of my estate…
'with this one single exception:
"To Edna Mathews, the wife whom I mistakenly divorced 15 years ago,
"I bequeath my entire art collection,
[Gasps]
Including all of those paintings listed in the so-called Mathews Collection. "
- Mr. Kingston! Oh, no!
- [Simpson] If you please.
This will is properly signed and witnessed as of the 10th oflast month.
Here. I think you all should take a look at these.
Dale, I'm sorry. L-I'm really sorry.
Oh, no. Don't be silly, Aunt Edna.
All it means is that I'll now be able to criticize your collection like I used to criticize his.
Thank you, Frank. Mm-hmm.
Lieutenant.
Mrs. Mathews, I hope… This is just such a surprise. We are… I'm happy for you.
I know you'll be pleased with it. I'm sure you will.
I wasn't prepared for that. Nope. Really is a shock.
File those, would you, please? I tried to talk Rudy out of it, naturally.
He always intended to leave that collection to Dale.
Then, give it to her.
That's why I thought you'd like to be here.
Legally, I couldn't say anything until… Oh, sure. I understand that.
It's just that that was a new will?
Only last month? That's correct. He wrote most of it himself.
Oh, he promised to let me draw up something more detailed and complete later on, but…
Boy, I can't figure it. L…
You'd think the nephew would get the paintings.
I agree. I agree.
Mr. Mathews had disagreements with Dale,
but an art collection like that is big business.
To manage that requires specialized skill, taste.
Why he'd simply leave the whole thing to a poor, unstable creature like Ed…
Those comments are hardly professional of me, are they?
One thing, though.
If Mr. Kingston doesn't get the collection, he at least gets the rest of the estate. It's meaningless.
He rented that big house.
Rudy disposed of all his business interests.
There really isn't any remaining estate to speak of.
Oh.
Well, listen, uh, thanks for lettir me come down.
I gotta get back to work. Uh, Lieutenant?
Your painting. Oh, thank you very much.
Uh, Lieutenant? My lighter.
Oh.
Thank you. Mm-hmm.
[Sighs] Miss Henderson, I'll make my calls now, please.
[Kingston] Looking for me, Lieutenant?
Oh. Yeah, I thought I'd kind of catch you out in the parking lot.
Expect you'd find me there kicking my tires in frustration, I suppose?
Well, I thought there'd be the normal amount of disappointment. You are so transparent, Columbo.
You had this thing all figured out right from the start, haven't you?

Mr. Kingston, I never said that.
Mr. Kingston, really, I… Well, at this point,
I'm sure that even a compulsively suspicious bureaucrat like you…
must have his doubts about my guilt.
Because you heard it up there, Mr. Columbo.
You heard it in plain English. I do not inerit.
Edna does. That's very true, Mr. Kingston.
That's very true, except… Except what?
Well, maybe you didn't know that your uncle changed his will.
Oh, I was hoping you'd say that,
because, you see, I've known for more than 10 days…
that I couldn't possibly inerit any part of that collection.
But since you won't believe me, maybe you'll believe my uncle.
Go on. I'm sure somebody in your department…
is capable of verifying that signature.
Go on, read it.
He sent me that letter 10 days ago telling me about the new will.
Look at the postmark.
- So you did know?
- Of course I knew.

Find the real killer!
[Woman] Lieutenant, I'm not a busybody. I never said that.
Yeah, well, some landlords like to pry into the lives of their tenants, but not me.
My policy is live and let live.
Come on. What's bothering Walter? He won't eat? Well, maybe he's not hungry.

I mean, how can you live here and not see things? Such as?
Well, who goes out with who and who's doing what. All those things.
Oh. This girl, Tracy O'Connor, who did she go out with?
Come on. Tell me. She dated, didn't she? Oh, of course she dated.
Oh, you know, that was a terrible shame about that accident.
That was a very talented girl. Very.
Well, you oughta know. You took one of her paintings the last time you were here.
She was a very gifted girl. You're darn right.
And it was a shame about the accident. Right.
You know why I hated to give up the painting? Well, why did you give it up?
I had to. What for?
Well, that was evidence. Evidence for what?
Listen, I don't wanna get into that. That's too complicated. Walter, come here.
Come here, boy. Don't-Don't-Don't-Don't do that!
Why not? Walter doesn't like strangers. He'll bite.
Will he? Oh. It was an accident, wasn't it?
Listen, are you gonna tell me about the men in her life or not?
All right, the men. Now, remember,
I wasn't particularly trying to find out about her,
but I do remember one or two.
There was an actor fella. There were a couple of those beach types.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And there was a kid that played…
You want me to tell you the truth? Yeah.
I'm interested in one guy in particular. Who?
Forty years old, well dressed, distinguished.
Wait a minute. Now, wait a minute.
Come to think of it, there was one older gentleman she was seeing.
Really? Can you describe him?
Would a picture help?
A picture? Are ya kidding? Mm-mmm.
You have a picture of this fella? Yeah, it's around here someplace if I haven't thrown it away.
It's probably in my album.
Where did you get a photograph of him?
Well, I was taking some snapshots of my nephew out at the pool.
And Tracy and her friend were out there, so I took one of them too.
I'm sure it's in one of these.
Well, let's see.
Oh! Here was one. That's when my cousins were out here from Milwaukee.
We stopped at one of those roadside stands, you know, for date malts.
Oh, I got so sick, but they're awful good. Have you ever had one?
Think you'd like 'em.
Oh, there's Cindy Lou. That's my cousirs kid.
She's named for me. Look at her. That's at Graumars Chinese.
She's trying to fit her feet into the… you know, the things in the concrete.
That's awful cute. I made her that dress.
Doesn't that look nice? Um…
Can you see… Well, let's see, now.
Oh! Here's a whole bunch of us that went out to the family plot and had a picnic.
We did some weeding and planting. We had the best time. [Clears Throat]
We had more laughs… Look, isn't that cute? That's my Uncle Henry there.
Oh. Now, wait a minute. We must…
Do you have any… That's a nice one too. Look at that. That was taken at the zoo.
Isn't that a good one of a lion? Wonderful. Do you have any idea…
Now, wait a minute. Oh-oh, here it is. Here you go. There. Well, there he is.
That's the one. Any help? No kidding?
That's not him. Oh, I'm sorry.
[Man] You guys still guarding this place?
[Gardener] Just me. I keep the tourists away.
Say, uh, you know anything about aphids?
Aphids? Yeah, they're destroying my roses.
My wife doesn't want me to use any pesticides. Hmm.

Just water, huh?
Thanks. I'll try it. Okay.
Hey! Come here!
Look at this!
Your ex-husband lived right up there, didn't he?
Uh, y-yes, right up there on the hill,
brooding down on me like Zeus.
When we were married, I always used to like this house.
As soon as we got divorced, I moved in.
But for years, Rudy and I couldn't have been farther away from each other…
if I'd bought a house on the Moon.
 Oh, no.
Thank you very much. Are they real?
Yes. May I?
Oh, of course. Help yourself. Thank you.
So, uh, what changed all that?
I mean, how did you and Rudy get to seeing one another again?
Well, we just bumped into each other a couple of months ago.
And, well, we were older…
and he wasn't quite so stuffy anymore.
And maybe I don't throw things…
like parties and handsome Italians quite so much.
Ma'am, I know you're in a hurry. You wanna go shopping.
But I wondered first if we could talk about…
But you want to know about that will thing.
Of course. L-I don't blame you.
Uh, but don't misunderstand.
Rudy and I werert starting…
to sing September songs or anything like that.
But…
Well, you see, years ago…
I used to think I was artistic,
and I literally dragged him into his first museum.
And that's how his whole collection all began.
Because naturally, Rudy started sensing a good investment area.
And some of the paintings I liked werert too bad.
But it was my understanding that it was his nephew who picked out all his paintings.
Oh, yes, later on.
But Dale was just in college then.
Uh, that was just about the time when…
when I started misbehaving.
And then, of course, after our divorce, the collection became an obsession with Rudy…
and a whole career for Dale.
So since you were in at the beginning, Mr. Mathews last month decided to leave the whole collection to you?
But he didn't want me to keep them.
You don't think that, do you? Well…
Oh, dear. I guess nobody's going to understand.
[Stammering] No. You see,
poor Rudy was finally tired of it, that's all…
all the greedy buying and bidding and hoarding.
He finally… He finally agreed with me…
that the people should own those lovely things instead of just collectors.
He decided to give them all away…
to schools, museums.
Oh! But, oh, dear,
it takes so much time to work that out…
to decide which places get which.
And in the meantime, he didn't want Dale Kingston to get his hands on it. Is that it?
I don't like to say that.
I was just so happy that Rudy was finally turning human.
[Doorbell Rings]
Who on Earth…
Hello, Aunt Edna. May I come in? How are you, dear?
I didn't think you'd even remember where I lived.
Of course I do. Got a message from a Lt. Col…
Oh, there you are. What's this all about?
Is it about the gun? What?
Wait a minute. What gun? What is all this?
Well, I thought you'd be interested. About a half hour ago,
a gardener up on that hill there,
he found a.38 revolver,
and it's the same kind as the one that was missing from your uncle's desk.
Uh, may I use your phone?
Oh, yes, of course.
Isn't that silly? Right up above my house.
L-I've walked on that hill myself.
Ballistics.
Is this Charlie? Lt. Columbo.
Charlie, I sent that stuff over there over a half hour ago…
Oh. Thank you.
- It's the murder gun, all right.
- Oh.

I even walked over to see Rudy just the night before he was killed.
Aunt Edna, I don't think you oughta say another word.
The lieutenant may get the wrong idea. What?
Oh, but-but surely no one would think that I…
Threw that gun there? Oh, no, Mrs. Mathews.  They just kept on going.
Well, naturally, they were anxious to get rid of your ex-husband's gun.
It could've been anybody.
It could? Yes. Absolutely, it could.
You have nothing to worry about. Now, did you wanna go shopping?
Well, I was planning to meet some friends at the fashion center, but I can do that some other time.

Just do what my wife does, 'cause when she hits a department store,
she can forget anything, even the fact that I'm sittir outside waiting.
Have a good time, Edna. Bye.
What are you trying to do to her?
I'm sorry, I don't follow.
You said so yourself. Yeah, sure, but not her.
Oh, I hope you really mean that, Lieutenant…
that you're not just playing some kind of a game with her.
A game? Yes. You know what I mean.
Lulling her into a sense of false security. Edna's a very vulnerable woman.
Mr. Kingston, you've got me all wrong, really. I wouldn't think of a thing like that.
That lady wouldn't hurt a fly. [Man] Lieutenant?
Can you come around here for a minute?
You told me not to bother you until she'd gone.
What is it? Well, we found something else.
She's got some trash cans back here.
'Rudy Mathews, 417 Pine View."
Looks like that piece of wrapping paper that was torn from the rest of it in his house. Remember?
We figured the thief used it.
All right, you'd better get that down for fingerprinting and comparison with the other paper.
Is there anything else?
No, we've covered every inch of the grounds.
Be careful with that.
Now what? I don't know.
I know what you're thinking, Lieutenant.
The gun, and now this new evidence.
Looks pretty bad for her. Yes, it does. Yes.
I'm still convinced that Edna had absolutely nothing to do with this.
You know, I think I agree with ya.
Look at it this way.

Yes, exactly. That's the point.
And you know something else, Mr. Kingston? You're absolutely right about her.
She's a… What did you call it before?
Vulnerable. Vulnerable, yes. She's a vulnerable woman.
And I'm afraid that if I press her too hard,
she'll fall apart. Oh, yes.
And I sure don't wanna make the same mistake that I made with you.
No, sir. What I'm gonna do is this.
I'm gonna sit on everything until those stolen paintings show up. I see.
- I mean, that's the best way
to handle it, don't you think?
- Yes, yes, of course.
I mean, I don't wanna go around pointing my finger at anyone until I have an ain'tight case.
- Right?
- Right.
Uh, Lieutenant,
your man said that you'd, uh… you'd covered every… every inch of the place here.
Did that include the inside of the house? Well, she gave us permission, but I don't wanna bother.
Well, don't you think you should?
I mean, for her protection.
And when you fail to find the paintings, you can cross her name off the list entirely.
Well, it hardly seems won'th the trouble. Neither of us thinks she's guilty. Why bother?
Well, for her sake so she can be certain. Search the house, Lieutenant.
No, really, I think it's a waste of time.
But if anything new comes up, I'll let you know. [Starts Engine]
Edna? She's utterly harmless.
Exactly. That's why we've got to help her.
But is there really any danger of her arrest?

That's today, Frank. Who knows what he'll think tomorrow?
In case you haven't noticed, he is a very haphazard individual.
Hmm. And if he doesn't break the case soon? Exactly.
He starts looking for a scapegoat because the pressure's building up on him,
and Edna's the most obvious candidate.
Well, what should we do?
Protect her. I'm sure Rudy would've wanted both of us to look out for her interests.
She trusts you, Frank.
Get her in here. Talk to her like a Dutch uncle. Fill her in on the situation.
You're sure we should allow her house to be searched?
Absolutely. In fact, I think you ought to recommend that we insist on it.
And that way, we get it on the record that nothing has been found to incriminate her.
All right. Miss Henderson, get me Mrs. Mathews.
Oh, uh, she's shopping at the fashion center in Beverly Hills.
You could bring her in here right now and clarify this whole thing.
Miss Henderson, have her paged at the fashion center. We'll clear it up today.
Well, there may be one small hitch to that.
Unfortunately, Lt. Columbo refuses to search the house.
He claims it to be a waste of time. Oh?
Which merely perpetuates Edna's anxiety.
I really wish there was something we could do about that man, Frank.
Well, perhaps there's, um, some way around him.
You really think so?
I have a few friends at city hall. Let me look into it.
Fine. Thank you.
I'll just run one little errand, and I'll be right back.
Fine. Fine. Uh, Miss Henderson,
after I talk to Mrs. Mathews, I want the police department.
Dale?
Edna does have an excellent motive.
You, uh… You don't think there's any chance…
Of course not.
You oughta be ashamed of yourself, Frank.
Yeah. Sorry.
I just don't understand any of this.
It's just a precautionary measure, Aunt Edna, nothing more.
But what do you want them to search my house for?
What will they find? Absolutely nothing. That's just the point.
Now, come on.
Frank. Mm-hmm.
Where, uh… Where do you want me to put these?
Oh, uh, in there.
Anywhere. Oh, I need a drink.
Of course you do, darling. So do I. Let me fix it for you.
Here are your keys.
Still scotch? Yes.
How about you, Frank? A drink? Yes, on the rocks, please.
I'm sorry we have to put you through this now. But believe me,
it'll all be over soon, huh?
Why would anyone think that I'd want to kill Rudy? Nobody does.
We just wanna make sure that it stays that way, that's all.
That's why Frank is having the police come in and search the house.
Believe me, it's all for the best.
Dale, I don't even remember what happened…
the night Rudy was killed.
I get so nervous, l-I take sleeping pills sometimes.
- That's one thing you should…
[Yells]
- Oh!
Oh! Excuse me. Oh!
Let me just dry off. I'll be right back.
Oh!
[Edna] Oh, isn't that a shame?
Uh, Frank…
[Doorbell Rings]
Frank, must we go through this?
Edna, you will be so much better off…
- [Doorbell Rings]
- Come on. Come on.
Nothing to be nervous about now.
Go ahead.
Miss Mathews? Captain Wyler, police department.
[Edna] Yes. Please, come in.
[Wyler] Thank you.
Sorry. You can't go in there.
[Columbo] I'm a lieutenant, so, do you mind?
It's okay, Ferguson. Let him in.
Hi, Captain. Columbo.
Uh… Oh, hi, Mr. Kingston. Hello, Lieutenant.
Listen, I just heard about this. Word came down from above to have the place searched.
Is that so? Yeah. And I can't understand why.
The fact is, I was kind of bypassed when I came over here.
Well, apparently you're just not needed here then, Lieutenant.

Oh, no, I'd better hang around, because, you know,
if I leave now, it looks bad upstairs, you know.
Mmm.
Oh, hello, Mrs. Mathews. Mr. Simpson. Hi.
Gee, I hope this is not upsetting you too much.
Well, I'm not very happy…
about my house being torn apart.
- But they advised me to do it.
- They?
- Who is "they"?
- Mr. Kingston and I
thought it was necessary, Lieutenant.
Oh, I see. Oh.
It's really very confusing.
You said you didn't suspect me of anything, didn't you?
Yes, I did, ma'am, and I meant that.
And, actually, I was opposed to… Captain Wyler.
Clear this table.
Where'd you find those?
Linen closet in the hallway.
Edna, how could you?
[Gasps] Dale, believe me,
I have no idea how they got there!
- You'd better not say another word.
- But…
Edna, he's right.
Do you intend to charge her formally, Captain?
It's up to Lt. Columbo. It's his case.
What do you mean it's his case? I thought it was…
We know what you thought, Mr. Kingston.
Lieutenant?
Well, I think we can get started with the fingerprinting. Let's get the kit.
Careful, there. Be very careful.
Gee, they're something, aren't they?
Pastels, you know.
May I ask what this is all about, Lieutenant?
Both of'em. Lieutenant?
Oh, Mr. Kingston. Uh, yes, just give us a moment, please. Do you mind?
We're getting a few. Good.
I'd like an answer, if you don't mind.
Uh, well, I'd have to start with your uncle's will.
What about it?
Well, you see, he pulled a rug out from under you when he left his collection to Mrs. Mathews.
So you only had one thing that you could do…
murder him and blame it on her.
I hope you realize the full import of what you're saying, Lieutenant. There are witnesses here.
You see, under the law,
anyone who criminally causes the death of someone else can't inerit from that person.
Is that right, Mr. Simpson? That's correct.
So if Mrs. Mathews is convicted, you're next in line.
Everything goes to you. That's why you planted the gun,
and that's why you planted the wrapping paper,
and that's why you planted these paintings.
Dale! I can't believe it!
But you'd like to, wouldn't you?

All right, Lieutenant. You claimed that I planted these paintings? Suppose you prove it.
- Can we?
- Yeah.
Yeah… with fingerprints.
Sorry to disappoint you, Lieutenant. Fingerprints won't help you at all.
My fingerprints are all over those paintings.
My uncle and I unwrapped them when they came back from the exhibit. I told you, didn't I?
I told you myself. They're covered with my prints.
No, we're not looking for your prints.
What?
 And I even touched 'em.
- You touched…
- Yes, my fingerprints
are on those paintings.
Now, if Mrs. Mathews is guilty,
how could my fingerprints get on paintings that she stole?
Uh, this is entrapment.
It's a setup, that's all.
You-You-You-You touched those paintings just now while I wasn't looking.
You saw him do it, didn't you? You put your prints on those paintings…
while you were bent over watching them while they were working on it!
He touched them! You touched… You…
I'll be the authority
behind every bombing in the world.
Bombs away, Eddie Kane.
Find the evidence, Lieutenant.
Quit jumping to conclusions and quit trying to take the easy way.
Sex is our only mysticism in this world today.
I think someone's tryin' to pin this murder on Mr. Greenleaf.
Now, look, I've got people coming over to my house tonight.
Just exactly what is your problem?
This chili's good, I'll tell you that.
[Crashing]
[Tires screeching]
[Banging]
[Clanging]
Bravo, Eddie. Very efficient.
And may I add that you are
truly a living tribute to American ingenuity.
A bit depressing for the rats,
but what's one less rat in the world, eh, Eddie?
Get on with it.
Yes, of course.
First of all, let me impress upon you
that the timing is everything. Everything.
(Eddie)
What?
2230 hours. Army time.
Makes it 10:30 at night instead of in the morning.
Oh, yes, of course. 2230 hours.
Wanna synchronize watches?
No, no, that won't be necessary.
Everything all right with you, Eddie?
Yeah.
I just wondered. I thought perhaps
you might be losing your nerve.
One guy?
I fragged a couple of hundred in Nam.
Eddie.
One shot in the heart. No more.
[Clinking]
Economy, huh?
Yes.
Here's the gun.
Now, remember,
you have to shoot it without smudging the prints
on that handle.
And the key.
[Key rattling]
You've got the rubber gloves?
Well, then. Everything is all clear.
Yeah.
What about you publishin' my book?
Yes, of course. I was just coming to that.
Well, your first advance, Eddie.
$1,000.
We'll draw up a formal contract
in a couple of days.
No kiddin'?
That's great.
You're smart, Mr. Greenleaf.
You're gonna make a fortune out of my book.
Three years I've been working on it.
Three years.
I've described every single kind of explosive there is,
and how to make it.
Well, that's your genius, Eddie.
Your sort of do-it-yourself book
will undoubtedly change the world.
Yes. Yes, that's right.
Those poor kids, those amateurs,
plantin' bombs and blowin' themselves up.
They're really going to learn how to do it right from me.
Believe me, I know.
I'm sure you do.
You're doin' a great thing, Mr. Greenleaf.
We both are, Eddie.
Remember,
you have to come through for me tonight.
Oh, that. He's dead already.
[Clanging]
[Car engine starting]
[People chattering]
Eileen.
Eileen, you look gorgeous. Give me a kiss.
I take every opportunity, you know.
Hellos and goodbyes are the only kisses I get.
Well, have you met all the great,
and near-great, and so on and so on?
I sure have.
It's a fine bunch of people you have here, too.
This party is partly for you, you know.
To impress you enough to come and join
the Neal Publishing house.
Mr. Neal, I don't need impressing. I'm ready.
We told Riley Greenleaf today.
Allen's contract is up in three weeks,
and then we're free.
And I assume Riley took it with good grace.
Oh, of course, aside from apoplexy.
Would you want to lose the author of five bestsellers?
Oh, hardly, hardly. Miss, will you take this, please?
Listen, I hope you can join me for dinner tonight. You and Eileen, both.
I'm sorry, I can't.
Perhaps just you?
Oh, thanks.
[Laughing]
Uh-oh. Has somebody arrived?
I invited Norman Mailer.
Yes, but did you invite him?
Oh, there you are.
Don't move.
Not that I know of.
He looks a little tanked up.
You better ignore him.
Ignore a tarantula?
You're lovely. Leave.
Well, there they are. The Holy Trinity.
The only thing missing is the golden glow.
Fortunately, my presence shall make up for that.
Nice of you to drop in, Riley.
My pleasure. My pleasure.
I was curious to see what mysterious lures
the great Geoffrey Neal was using to steal
my pocket-sized Hemingway.
Riley, please.
Oh, there she is, the lovely handmaiden.
[Laughing]
Literary agent and concubine,
ever present at her master's side,
an inspiring muse with real flesh.
All right, cut it out.
I don't want a contract with you anymore.

Garbage?
And sex is our only mysticism
in this world today of the new illiterates…
Our old contract is up in three weeks,
and that's it, Riley.
Your relationship does seem terminal, Riley.
He was writing obituaries
for the Pasadena News when I found him,
and I alone made him into a bestseller.
And now he would like to write better things…
[laughing]
…and for Mr. Neal's company.
Oh, you're kidding.

I'm sorry Riley, but I think it's best
if you keep your next appointment.
His new book belongs to me,
and I've got him under contract.
All right. That'll be enough for now.
Well, I'll tell you one thing.
He'll never write for you
or anyone else, and I shall see to it.
Good night, you charming people.
[Engine shutting off]
[Banging]
[Pounding]
(Greenleaf) Hey.
[All laughing]
Hey, bartender!
If you don't mind, a little less conversation,
a little more service at the end of this bar.
Thank you.
What did you put in this glass?
That's a double Scotch and soda, sir.
Just what you ordered.
What do you take me for, some kind of a fool?
This tastes like bile.
Hey! Hey!
Come on. Let go of me.
I think you've had enough for tonight, sir.
Oh, really? I'll be the judge of that.

Let go. Stop manhandling me.
Stinking joint!
You and this place deserve to be in the Valley.
(Mallory) Good morning, Agnes.
Yesterday's pages looked okay.
I found a few errors you can fix up here.
Let's pick it up from Page 479,
and that should wrap it up for the first draft.
Conrad held Li Chen close against him
feeling her soft trembling body yield to his embrace.
(Mallory) He knew that this must be love.
If it wasn't,
it would have to do until the war was over.
(Mallory) Conrad prowled the room
looking for the inside of his personal tunnel.
There was no sleep for him that night.
It was only 60 miles to Saigon, he thought.
But how far could he ever put Saigon behind him?
But there was only one real decision to be reached,
and it had been formed a long time ago.
He knew which way he would have to turn.
Out across the plains was the monastery of St. Ignatius,
offering him hope and a chance to wash away
the wounds of war that had brutalized him.
He turned to look at Li Chen
sleeping on the straw mattress,
her tiny body heaving fitfully.
He would not wake her.
It was better that she find him gone.
Saigon and the fighting was far away.
From the window…
[backfiring]
[Tires screeching]
What's the matter with you? Hey, fool!
Look what you've done to my car.
Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't see you.
What we've done to your car?
Look what you've done to our car. Tell him, Ralph.
Well, sir, you… you… you did pull out without looking.
What?

Don't take that from him, Ralph.

All right, here, Ralphy.
I suggest you call that number
the first thing in the morning.
That's my insurance agent.
He'll know how to deal with you.
Sir, in your condition, I should call the police.
Madam, in your condition, I'd call a plastic surgeon.
[Laughing]
[Tires screeching]
Let's see, it would have to be around…
I come to work at 10:00,
so that would have to make it around midnight,
I guess. Yeah.
Excuse me, coming through.
Yeah.
Yeah. About… About midnight. L… l… I was…
That's when I found him.
I was bringing him his coffee.
Coffee? Did you leave the building?
Oh, no, I keep it down in the basement.
Hey, did somebody mention coffee?
Yeah, I brought Mr. Mallory's coffee.
I always brought him his coffee, every night.
Yeah? You still got some?
Yeah, it's in the other room. But it's probably cold by now.
That's all right. I'd drink anything.
You know how much sleep I've had
the last two nights? Maybe five hours.
Last night it was Bette Davis.
2:00 in the morning,
my wife wants to watch Bette Davis.
So we're watching Bette Davis.
Did you find out about that key yet, Lieutenant?
Oh, this is brutal.
Um, the key?
Yeah.
Oh, no, the super, he comes in at 7::00.
All right.
But, you know, she is a terrific actress,
this woman Bette Davis. Forget about it.
Um, excuse me.
Uh, Kramer?
(man) Watch it. Coming through.
You finished up over here?
Just about, Lieutenant. Just about.
How did he get in?
Who?
The guard.
How'd you get in, sir? With a pass key?
Yeah, yeah. I knocked,
but I couldn't hear anybody workin', you see?
But I could see the light shining through the door.
That's when I come in, and l… and I found him.
Did you touch anything here?
You think I'm some kind of a nut?
That's your job. I've got problems of my own.
Lieutenant, this gentleman said
he came here to see Mr. Mallory.
What's going on in here?
Who are you, sir?
Norman Wolpert. Lewis Manuscript Service.
I'm here to pick up Mr. Mallory's tape
for transcription.
Messenger service?
Manuscript service.
What are you doing here at this hour?
Why do you come so late?
It's the same time I come every night.
Yeah… Yeah, that… that's right, Lieutenant. L… I can vouch for that.
Is Mr. Mallory all right?
Well, I'm afraid Mr. Mallory is dead.
What happened?
That's what we're trying to find out.
Lou, you take this young man's statement.
You talk to this gentleman, and then you can go home.
It's all yours, Lieutenant.
Sweeney, you getting anything here?
Not much. A lot of dust.
Leave this here.
(Mallory) …her tiny body heaving fitfully.
He would not wake her.
It was better that she find him gone.
(Young) You need the security guard anymore?
What was that?
Is it okay if I let him go back to the lobby?
Yeah, let him go.
…from the window.
[Gun firing on tape]
[Clanking]
(policeman) Lieutenant?
Shh.
Did you hear that?
They paid that guy a lot of money for writing that tripe.
Wait a minute.
Uh, Lieutenant.
[Tape rewinding] Wait a minute.
…from the window.
[Gun firing on tape]
[Clanking]
[Door closing]
We found this in the basement corridor.
It's been fired.
[Sniffing]
Hmm.
Where did you say you found it? In the corridor?
You mean, it was just laying there, right out in the open?
That's right.
We also found some jimmy marks
on the outside basement door.
That's how the guy got in the building.
Thank you very much.
Uh, Sweeney, prints, Ballistics, please.
Sure, Lieutenant.
I'm all through here, anyway.
Sweeney?
What, Lieutenant?
Nothin'.
[Brakes screeching]
[Crickets chirping]
[Snoring]
(policeman) Sir?
Sir?
What? What?
What? What… What… What is it? What?
What're you doin' here parked in the park?
'C-'Cause there's a sign out there that said,
"No parking in the street."
Step out of your car, please, sir.
Certainly… Certainly not.
I am on my way home, Officer.

Please, uh, step out of the car, sir.
[Sighing]
If you want me to get out of this car,
Officer, or Sergeant,
you're gonna have to drag me out.
[Laughing]
Uh, Fred?
Need help, huh?
Lt. Columbo?
How're you doing?
Lieutenant, I would like my client released.
He's being treated like a common criminal,
and I want to know why.
Well, there has been a crime.
Mr. Chase, is it?
David Chase.
Mr. Greenleaf?
Yes, that's right.
My name is Lt. Columbo.
Anybody want coffee?
No, I want to go home.
Why don't you just tell me what the bail is,
and I'll take Mr. Greenleaf home.
I wouldn't know, sir.
I'm not connected with the Traffic Division.
I'm attached to Homicide.
Homicide?
Yeah.
What is all this about?
I just wanna ask Mr. Greenleaf
if he can identify a voice for me.
Now, just a minute.
Won't take long.
(Mallory) …offering him hope and a chance to wash away
the wounds of war that had brutalized him.
He turned to look at Li Chen
sleeping on the straw mattress…
It's Allen's voice.
…her tiny body heaving fitfully.
He would not wake her.
It was better that she find him gone.
Yes, it's Allen Mallory.
Slowly, he turned away…
All right, I've identified the voice.
Can I leave now?
[Gun firing on tape]
[Metallic clanging on tape]
That's right, sir. I'm afraid this man is dead.
Oh, God, no.
But who? Why?
That's what I wanted to ask you, Mr. Mr. Greenleaf.
The medical examiner sets the time of death around 10:30.
Would you mind telling me where you were at that time?
Riley, you don't have to answer that question.
David, I don't mind answering the question.
The fact is, Lieutenant,
I don't… I don't know where I was.
Yes, it's true. I saw Allen last night,
briefly, at a press party.
We had some words, not important,
but I was very upset by it.
I drove around. I'd been drinking quite a bit.
I don't remember anything about last night.
Poor Allen.
I wonder if you can identify this key.
No.
Would you mind taking a closer look at it?
All keys look alike to me.
Yes, sir. But I believe this is your key.
The building superintendent told me
that Mr. Mallory's office
was leased 18 months ago by you.
This is one of the two keys that he gave you.
If you say so.
Get to the point, Lieutenant.
We found this key on the office floor,
a few feet from Mr. Mallory's body.
Evidently, it belongs to him.
No, sir. We checked the victim's key ring,
and the one that fit the outer door
was on his person.
This key, your key,
this is the fellow that bothers me.
I've already told you,
I don't know anything about it.
What bothers you about it, Lieutenant?
How it got there?
Could have been dropped days before.
Do you own a.38 Smith & Wesson revolver?
Now, just a minute.
David, I have nothing to hide.
Yes, I do own a pistol,
but I don't know what make it is.
Lieutenant, why are you asking me
all these questions?
Oh, surely you don't believe I had anything to do
with Allen's death?
Well, obviously, some thief broke into the office
when Allen was working.
There was nothing to steal.
Mr. Mallory's wallet wasn't disturbed.

You can't explain your whereabouts
at the time of the death.
Riley, I'm sorry. I must insist you answer no more questions,
at least until we've had a chance to confer.
Officer.
That is, unless Lt. Columbo is placing you under arrest.
Arrest? No. No, no.
Mr. Greenleaf, you're free to go.
I thought he might be.
But I may be asking some questions later on.
Of course. I'll be at home all day.
Dear God. Poor Allen.
David, I just can't believe it.
I just can't believe it.
(Columbo) I'm gonna be very honest with you, Miss McRae.
Actually, I'm interested in the activities of
one particular person, a Mr. Riley Greenleaf.

If anybody had it in for Allen,
it was Riley Greenleaf.
Really? That seems strange.
You know, I spoke to Mr. Greenleaf earlier this morning.
He seemed to me like he was genuinely upset,
acted like he'd lost a close friend.
[Laughing]
That's beautiful. Allen was about to walk out on him,
taking a best-selling book with him.
That must have been the book
that Mr. Mallory was dictating.
I see.
Gonna walk out and take the book…
Well, wait a minute now.
I'm confused a little bit.
Wouldn't these two men have a contract?
Yeah, but it was about to expire.
In three weeks.
But still the book would still belong
to Mr. Greenleaf, wouldn't it?
You've got a lot to learn
about the publishing business, Lieutenant.
Riley Greenleaf didn't know about that book.
Allen never talked to him about it,
and never would,
until he was free of that contract.
I see. You mind if I smoke?
No.
I understand that Mr. Greenleaf
has made threats against Mr. Mallory.
You know anything about that?

He said if Allen didn't write for him,
he wouldn't write for anybody.
He said that?
Yeah.
But… But don't take my word for it,
there were a lot of witnesses there.
No kidding.
Hmm.
(David) The fact they questioned you in a state of fatigue
opens the doors to a serious consideration
of involuntary self-incrimination.
On that basis alone, I'm sure we could…

I'd keep that opinion to myself if I were you, Riley.
A Lt. Columbo to see you, sir.
Yes, ask him to come in. Thank you, Edwards.
Yes, sir.
Riley, you don't understand.
I'm as upset as you are about Allen's death.
But you must not say anything that could be
construed as an admission of guilt.
Oh, Lieutenant,
I'd like to apologize for this morning, but I…
I must tell you honestly,
I don't remember a thing about last night.
I understand, sir.
Forgive the condition of the room,
but I'm redecorating.
(David) More questions, Lieutenant?

Well, sir, you see, we traced the gun.
My gun. It was my gun, wasn't it?
Yes, sir, we were able to trace it to you.
Yeah, I knew that.
When I looked in the car, in the glove compartment,
I saw that my gun was missing.
Well, obviously someone stole it.
It doesn't look that way, sir.
The only fingerprints we were able to find
on the handle of that gun were Mr. Greenleaf's.
There were no other prints on the gun.
Well, that's it, isn't it?
[Sighing]
Allen walked out on me,
took his latest book to another publisher,
and I suppose
in anger, I killed him.
Oh, that new book, I suppose that's a pretty valuable piece of property.
Anything that he wrote was valuable, Lieutenant.
[Sighing]
If anybody was around to write
the first genuine bestseller about Vietnam,
it certainly was Allen Mallory.
Is that a fact, really?
I was always under the impression
that war stories, they all went over big.
Only our popular wars.
30 years ago, World War II was a goldmine.
But Vietnam that's a plague.
Hold it. Wait a minute.
I'm confused. Either I'm confused,
or somebody's not telling the truth.
I was told, Mr. Greenleaf,
that you knew nothing about the contents
of Mr. Mallory's new book.
Actually, I don't. It's just that this morning,
listening to Allen's voice on the tape,
didn't he mention something about Saigon and a war?
L… I just assumed that…
You're absolutely right. I'm sorry, forgive me.
Well, this is a puzzler.
L… I don't know quite what to say.
Do you remember taking the gun out of your car?
No, but…
Riley, I warned you not to say anything.
Will you please stay out of this?
I can't watch you talk yourself into a murder charge.
You'll do exactly as I ask you to do,
and I pay you handsomely just for that privilege. So, please, stay out of it.
You say you've always kept your gun in the car?
Yes.
Is that the car?
It is.
May I take a look?
Of course, if you'd like.
How long has this lock been broken?
Well, I don't know that it is.
It's been jimmied, sir, and the scratch mark is fresh.
[Birds chirping]
May I?
I think you're absolutely right, Lieutenant.
I see what you're driving at.
You mean that… that someone could have broken into the car,
and that's how the gun was stolen.
It's possible, sir.
And the key.
Sir?
The key to Allen's office, I kept an extra one here
in the glove compartment, along with the gun.
No, it's gone, too.
(Edwards) Mr. Greenleaf?
Yes.
Telephone, sir. It's Mr. Trumble.
He says it's quite important.
David, would you take the call?
I'm in no mood to discuss insurance, please.
I'll have him call back later.
Oh, no, wait.
You'd better find out what he wants.
Yeah, I guess somebody gave you a pretty good rap back here.
Oh, yeah. That's a beauty, isn't it?
That's the first time I noticed that.
No kiddin'.
I'll tell you, bodywork like that,
gotta run you $100-$150.
[Laughing]
Lieutenant, when you own a car like this,
it costs that much merely to raise the hood.
No kiddin'.
Sure.
Listen, my wife's got a cousin in the Valley, who owns a body shop,
I mean, if you want me to talk to him…
That's very decent of you.
You see, I have a cousin in Beverly Hills.
He does all my work for me.
Lieutenant, I have some disappointing news for you.
You'll have to stick this murder on somebody else.
Riley's got an alibi that even he doesn't know about
and it's iron-clad.
Well, what is it?
I mean, I'm very glad to hear that.
At 10:30 last evening, Riley Greenleaf
was involved in an auto accident
in the parking lot of the Moore Park Inn.
(David) That's in Encino.
Encino?
You were drinking at the bar, I'm pleased to inform you.
Then he was taken to jail, where he spent
most of the evening in the drunk tank
till I got him out.
An experience I don't wish to relive, thank you.
Yeah… Yeah, son of a gun.
Well, I guess that just about does it.
You may say that again.
All I can say is, thank God.
[Sniffing]
A blackout is a frightening thing.
I must be grateful to those people
for having the good sense
to call my insurance company to report…
David, do you realize that if those people
had not contacted Mark Trumble…
What… what would have…
I don't even want to think about that.

Yes, I suppose so.
Well, listen, I'd better go check this thing out.
Still, it's funny.
(Greenleaf) What's that, Lieutenant?
Fingerprints.
The fact that
only your fingerprints were on the gun.
Well, listen, I don't want to impose on you.
Thank you very much for the cooperation.
Oh, you're more than welcome.
Please don't hesitate to call
if… if there's anything I can do.
Oh, yes, sir.
Lt. Columbo.
Sir?
I suppose you realize what you almost did?
Sir?
You were going to arrest him, weren't you?
Well, it did seem to me
that… that he was somehow involved.
Seemed.
When are you police going to realize
that it takes more than circumstantial evidence
to convict a man of a crime?
David.
Evidence.
Find the evidence, Lieutenant.
Quit jumping to conclusions
and quit trying to take the easy way.
Oh, Mr. Chase, uh, one thing.
About that accident,
do you happen to know who else was involved?
It's a couple from El Monte.
Mr. And Mrs. Morgan. Why?
Well, you see, I didn't know, uh…
I just wasn't sure
whether it was just one person in the other car,
or whether there was more than one.
And, uh, when…
No, I was just telling your attorney that I wasn't sure
whether there was just one person in the other car
or whether there was more than one.
And when you said that you were relieved
that those people, more than one,
when you were relieved that those people
called your insurance man,
I thought maybe the blackout was starting to clear up,
and you were beginning to remember what happened.
Perhaps he is, subconsciously.
That's probably it. His subconscious.
(Greenleaf) I don't care what he says, David.
He's a 2-bit writer.
You tell him to sign the writer on that contract,
or he's out.
Oh, he'll sign it. He's hungry. Thanks, David.
[Intercom buzzing]
Yes, Betsy?
(Betsy) Mr. Greenleaf, there's a strange man
wandering around the editorial section.
I thought you should know.
What do you want me to do?
You want to get rid of him, call the police.
That's just it. He says he is the police.
Look, you're not supposed to wrestle her to the deck.
You're supposed to make her swoon with passion.
Now give it to me. Give it to me.
His T-shirt smells.
His T-shirt smells? Your T-shirt smells?
Columbo,
would you please tell me what you're doing here?
Oh, I see you're free, sir.
The receptionist told me you were tied up,
so I decided to wander around.
I hope you don't mind.
Yes, I'm afraid I do mind.
My people happen to be very busy.
Yes, sir. I can see that. I'm very sorry.
What are they doing in there?
Oh, we're shooting a cover for a new paperback.
It's on anthropology.
Uh, Mr. Greenleaf, I came by to tell you that
I've checked out that accident,
and there's no question about it.
You were there.
Oh, I can't tell you how relieved I am to hear that.
I'm… I'm sorry I yelled.
The only thing I have to do now, sir,
is try and find the person who framed you.
Frame me?
Yes, sir. It was a frame.
No question about it.
The fingerprints on the gun,
too perfect, not smudged at all.
Now since we know that you didn't shoot Mr. Mallory
that means that whoever fired that pistol
was very careful not to disturb your fingerprints.
I just can't believe that.
Oh, it's a frightening thought, all right.
But you know, you were very lucky,
I mean with that accident.
I mean, the time it happened and the witnesses.
Count your blessings, sir.
You know, if it hadn't been for that accident,
things would've looked very bad for you now.
You know, uh, lookin' at some of these posters
got me thinkin'.
They got a guy down at the department
who wrote a couple of books.
Maybe you've heard of him.
What's his name?
Yes, I know who you mean, Lieutenant.
You know, he's only a sergeant
and I've handled a lot more cases than he has.
I was thinkin'…
That maybe you might write a book?
Oh, I'm not talkin' about a big book.
You know, I mean, maybe a short book,
just to get the hang of it. Some of my cases.
Sure, why not?
Except that if you're gonna write a book,
it takes a certain amount of skill.
Oh, I don't expect to be a great writer
like Mr. Mallory or anything like that. No.
Uh, jeez, you know, that reminds me.
He must've been very valuable to you, sir.
The insurance guy told me
that you took out a… a life-insurance policy
on his life. $1 million?
Oh, that's a usual practice in this business, Lieutenant.
But, as you say, valuable property.
That's right. I forgot all about the policy.
No kidding.
That's funny. According to my notes,
the company sent you a renewal slip last week.
I wouldn't know anything about that.
We have an accountant that handles all that stuff.
Listen, I certainly hope
you get the men that you're after.
If anybody can do it, you're the man.
Oh, thank you, sir.
Good luck with that writing, keep that up. That's good.
Oh, I intend to.
You know, it's hard at home with the family.
Mmm-hmm. Sure.
Oh, listen. Uh, gee, I almost forgot.
There's one thing about the Mallory case
that bothers me. Maybe you can help me.
Um, I cannot figure out how the murderer
got into Mallory's office
since the lock wasn't broken,
and there's no sign of forced entry.
With the key.
The one that you found on the floor.
The one that was stolen from my glove compartment.
You mean… You mean this key?
There it is.
No.
No, I guess this was part of the frame-up.
This key doesn't fit the lock.
I found out that Mallory changed the lock
about three weeks ago.
He did?
Yeah.
I guess he didn't want anybody goin' in there
and lookin' at what he was writing.
Yes, but…
This key was left there to incriminate you.
No doubt about it.
But that still doesn't tell us how
the murderer got into the office that night.
Well, evidently, Allen must have let him in,
opened the door not knowing…
No, sir.
No, that would've been on the tape-recording.
Mr. Mallory's voice was never interrupted.
No. Whoever killed him
got in without Mallory's knowledge,
sneaked up on him when he was dictating.
It's puzzling, isn't it?
Baffling.
Yeah.
There has to be another key to the new lock.
I'll tell you,
if I could find the person with that new key,
I'd find the person that killed Mr. Mallory.
I don't envy you.
That is not an easy assignment.
Oh, listen, you don't have to tell me.
Okay.
Thank you very much.
All the luck.
Thanks.
[Phone ringing]
Yeah?
(Greenleaf) Hello, Eddie. This is your publisher calling.
It's been three days, skipper.
What do you say we get together?
Yes, I know Eddie.
Uh, would tonight be convenient?
Your place? Better tell me where it is.
Yeah, 320 Howard, over the garage.
What time?
Oh, shall we say 2200 hours?
You're learnin', skip. Out.
Yes, Eddie, out.
Hello, Moishe? It's Riley Greenleaf, here.
(Greenleaf) I'll tell you what, I need a favor.
I need to have a key made for a door
to a certain office building.
Problem is, I need it this afternoon.
You think you can swing that?
Oh, fine.
Tell him I'll make it worth his while.
[Knocking on door]
Yo, it's open.
Hey. Hi.
I've been meaning to ask you,
all this stuff that you keep here in your… your home,
is it legal?
It's all made in the U.S. Of A. Pull up a sofa.
Oh, hey!
I made some drawings today
for my chapter on Bouncin' Betties.
You did? Fine.
What's a Bouncing Betty?
Anti-personnel mine.
You got to really plant these things just right.
Now you see, you lay it down six inches. No more.
You leave the pressure plate
with just about a half inch of dirt and leaves.
The guy steps on it. Whammo!
You get the legs. It's beautiful.
Oh, yeah. That's beautiful.
Well, it calls for a celebration.
A little… little drinking?
Hey, that's nice. Real champagne?
Absolutely.
Nothing but the best for Eddie Kane, huh?
I'll have to get used to that idea.
You should, Eddie.
[Champagne cork pops] After all, you deserve it.
Perfect.
A toast, Eddie. Shall we say, uh,
bombs away?
Bombs away? I like it. I like it. Right on.
Mmm.
Yeah, there we are.
I've been meaning to ask you,
did you run into any problems the other night?
No.
No trouble getting into Mallory's office?
The door was open, but I left the key
on the floor anyway, like you told me.
Splendid, now about the book.
Yeah.
Is there any information contained in the book,
that could be in violation of
military requirements or… or defense secrets?
Are you kidding me?
All the specifications
are in the manufacturer's brochure.
[Laughing]
All I'm doin' with my book
is to say how to use them right.
I've got ideas for bombs
those guys never even thought of.
Here.
Never even thought of.
I got… got this funny…
Something the matter, Eddie?
L… I don't know, I…
[crashing]
[Keys rattling]
Dear Mr. Greenleaf.
[Typing]
[Engine starting]
[Explosion in distance]
[Screeching]
Is this the right place?
For what?
To park the car.
Permanently?
No, I'm going in to lunch.
[Honking horn]
(parking attendant) Hi, Sharon.
Hi. How are you?
Good to see you.
Oh, thank you.
Thanks a lot, Rocco.
You're welcome.
Excuse me, don't I need a parking check?
Listen, mister, I'll remember your car.
[People chattering]
May I help you?
Uh, thank you very much.
Excuse me, Mr. Neal?
Yes?
I'm…
Geoffrey, this is Lt. Columbo.
Oh, yes, would you like to sit down?
Thank you very much.
I don't want to bother you.
I called your office and they told me you were over here.
L… I hope you don't mind.
Oh, no. No, not at all.
Will you have something to eat?
Oh, no.
Please… Please join us.
Well, listen, now that you mentioned it,
I could use somethin', so…
Charles, see what the Lieutenant will have.
Big menu.
Uh, Sweetbreads Financier…
Can't pronounce that.
The Trout Amandine is very good.
Amandine. What is that with? That's with…
Almonds.
With almonds. Fish.
Well, I was thinkin' of somethin'
a little bit more, with body.
I'll tell you what,
if you don't mind, do you have any chili?
Chili?
Yeah, with beans or without beans,
either way, it doesn't make any difference.
Chili.
Ask Henri to see what he can do for our friend here.
Yes, sir.
Thank you very much.
I'll have a little iced tea with that.
Mr. Neal, uh, what I wanted to ask you was…
How are you doin'?
Fine, sir.
This is what I wanted to ask you, Mr. Neal.
I understand that your attorneys are tryin' to get
a release of Mr. Mallory's manuscript.
Yes, 60 MILES TO SAIGON.
I agreed to publish it
after Mallory's contract expired with Greenleaf.
And I want to get hold of it before he can,
because, well, I'm afraid he's going to make trouble.
It's a very valuable book?
We think so. After all, the man has written
nothing but bestsellers.
Uh, have you read it?
Oh, no, nobody's read it.
Nobody?
Nobody. Of course, Eileen discussed the end with him.
As a matter of fact, I believe she even made a contribution to it.
Well, it was just a little one,
believe me, Lieutenant.
Pardon me.
I'll have a little ketchup.
(waiter) Ketchup?
Ketchup.
All right, sir.
And some crackers.
Don't wait for us, Lieutenant.
Right.
Please eat.
I wanted to get those saltines if he had any.
Well…
Mr. Neal discussed the book with Universal Studios.
They wanted a picture for Rock Hudson.

(Eileen) As I understood it, Allen's hero was a P.O.W.
Who betrayed his own men,
but then found his courage, came back,
and helped them escape from the prison camp.
(Neal) You see, Allen insisted that his hero had a tragic flaw
which classically ends in death.
That's where Eileen was so helpful.
After the escape, after they get back to Saigon,
Rock Hudson says goodbye to the girl
who helped him regain his courage,
says goodbye to the material world,
and goes off to a monastery.
Is that good?
If it sells, it is.
This chili's good, I'll tell you that.
Uh, the question that comes to mind now is
can either one of you two people think of someone
who might want to frame Mr. Greenleaf?
Frame… Frame Riley?
That's right, ma'am.
That's what I think happened.
I think someone's tryin' to pin
this murder on Mr. Greenleaf.
But, surely, you don't think
that either one of us had anything…
I'm just asking the question, ma'am.
Well,
I suppose I might have a motive,
being his competitor.
But I'm sorry, Lieutenant. That's not my style.
Anyway, if I wanted to frame Riley,
it certainly wouldn't be for the death of Allen Mallory,
who I very much wanted to write for us.
Oh, that's all right, I'm practically finished.
I'll have a check.
Oh, no, Lieutenant, please, please, be my guest.
No, no, uh, this is department business
and when it's department business,
the department pays for it.
All right, if you insist.
Excuse me, sir. Are you Lt. Columbo?
Yeah.
There's a telephone call for you, sir.
Well, look, uh, I'll run along.
I want to thank you very much.
You've been very hospitable.
Good day, sir.
Pleasure.
(Columbo) Ma'am.
Having a hard time getting up.
Columbo. Yeah.
Where?
Your check, Lieutenant.
Can I borrow a pencil?
Got it. Thank you.
Thank you.
$6. Excuse me.
No, I think there's a mistake.
I had the chili and the iced tea.
Oh.
$6.75?
I forgot to add the iced tea.
[Crickets chirping]
Name of Eddie Kane.

Real weirdo.
Must've been rigging a bomb.
A bomb? What for?
Don't ask me.
Looks like he's writing a book.
"How to Blow Up Anything in Ten Easy Lessons."
The reason I had Central contact you,
you know that murder downtown?
That writer, Mallory?
Yeah?
We thought we had a case against the publisher, Greenleaf?
Right.
Well, it may not mean anything,
but I found Kane's address book,
and Greenleaf is in it.
Riley Greenleaf.
Thought it might be something.

You mind if I look around?
Go right ahead. My boys are all through.
(Young) You want a cup of coffee or somethin'?
No, no, thanks. I just ate.
You want some advice?
Be careful where you eat chili.
Why? Too hot?
Too high.
Wait a minute.
(Young) What?
I'll be a son of a gun.
I can't believe it.
"60 MILES TO SAIGON."
Outline for a novel.
You think that ties Eddie Kane
with the Mallory murder?
Yeah.
Could be.
Lieutenant, you sure are lucky sometimes.
That's me. I'm lucky.
You didn't happen to find a key chain
on this fellow, did you?
As a matter of fact, we did.
You didn't happen to find a key
that doesn't fit anything in this place?
[Keys rattling] Well, there's one for the door,
one for his car, and this one.
Who knows?
[Laughing]
Oh, yeah.
[Riley continues laughing]
Excuse me, Mr. Greenleaf?
Shh!
Excuse me.
I'm sorry to disturb your movie, Mr. Greenleaf,
but this is very important.
We found the man that killed Mr. Mallory.
Want to save it, Andy?
Unfortunately, uh, he was killed last night.
His name was Eddie Kane.
He was killed?
Yes, there was some kind of an accident.
He seemed to be fooling around
with a homemade bomb.
Hmm. Sounds gruesome.
It was.
Uh, for the purposes of my report,
I wonder if you could tell me a little bit more about him.
Me? I never heard of the man.
Well, now, that's strange, sir,
because your telephone number and your name
we found in his address book.
That's bizarre.
I don't know how he obtained it.
I've never heard of any Eddie Kane.
Now, that's just not true, sir.
I, myself, went through his file drawer
and I found a duplicate of a letter from Kane
addressed to you, written nine months ago.
Had to do with a novel called 60 MILES TO SAIGON.
He was offering to write it.
He also enclosed an outline.
Now, that was the name of Mr. Mallory's new book, wasn't it?
I wouldn't know, Lieutenant.
He never discussed the book with me.
Mr. Greenleaf, the point is,
have you heard of Mr. Kane, or haven't you?
And I think you have.
And I think you ought to tell me about it.
You could do it here,
or you can do it at headquarters.
All right, Lieutenant.
[Sighing]
I never was a very good liar.
You might just want to know the truth.
Eddie Kane mailed me this outline last year.
And the moment I read it, I realized it had
the makings of a very commercial book.
But I also realized that Eddie Kane
was not the guy to write it.
I mean, he simply wasn't a writer.
Fortunately, Allen was looking around for a new idea.
When I showed him this, he jumped at it.
Lieutenant, I was not trying to steal it.
Quite the contrary. I offered Eddie Kane $5,000 for it.
He refused. He was like a wild man.
He was insulting, abusive…
But you didn't return the outline?
It was too late then.
Allen was already at work on the book.
So what did Mr. Kane do?
He threatened me, threatened Allen, too.
I tried to reason with him.
I even offered him part of my profits,
but he was adamant.
I never thought he'd be crazy enough to…
I guess he killed Allen and he tried to frame me.
You know, in many ways, I'm really to blame.
Well, I can understand how you feel, sir.
I mean, that wasn't exactly an ethical thing
that you did, was it?
No, no, it wasn't.
All right, Mr. Greenleaf, I'll be running along then.
Oh, you don't mind if I take this outline with me?
I just wanna take it to the lab
and have them check the typing
against Eddie Kane's typewriter.
No, of course.
Oh, sure.
Good day, sir.
Good day, Lieutenant.
Feel better.
Thanks very much.
Oh, I don't have to read anymore, Lieutenant.
This is the outline for Allen's book.
I can't believe it.
He wouldn't plagiarize this, he wouldn't have to.
Well, I'm sure you're right, ma'am,
but I double-checked with the lab.
That synopsis was definitely typed
on Eddie Kane's typewriter.
Well, l… I wish I could help you, Lieutenant.
L… I guess I can't.
All right, thank you very much.
I appreciate your time.
Sorry.
Oh, Lieutenant.
Yes?
Your evidence.
Oh.
I get preoccupied, I forget my head.
You know, that synopsis,
it's as though Allen dictated it himself.
Wait a minute. Maybe he did.
[Muttering]
May I use your telephone?
Sure.
Could you do one more thing?
Could you finish reading that?
I don't understand.
Please, ma'am. Would you just read it?
(Greenleaf) You did find the key?
On Eddie Kane's key ring, huh?
Well, you should be very happy, Lieutenant.
When? Now?
Tonight?
May I ask, why there?
Yes, of course. I'll come right away.
(Columbo) Good evening, Mr. Greenleaf.
[Typewriter clacking]
You writing the great American novel, Lieutenant,
or just boning up on the touch system?
I want to tell you something,
this writing is not as easy as it looks.
You know, uh, I was on a case once.
A candidate for the United States Senate.
He had a lot of security men around him
'cause there'd been threats against his life.
Now, in order to shake the security men,
he changes clothes with his campaign manager.
Then he shoots the campaign manager
and he makes it look like an attempt on his life.
Now, that's a heck of a story.
There's only one problem, I was telling my wife.
I got it all up here, I can't put it down here.

Now, look, I've got people coming over to my house tonight.
Just exactly what is your problem?
Oh, forgive me, sir.
I didn't know you were expecting guests.
Did I tell you
that the key that was on the floor
next to the body didn't fit the lock?
Yes, you mentioned it the other day.
You said that there had to be another key
to fit the new lock, and when you had that key,
then you'd have the person who murdered Allen Mallory.
Right. Right. I knew I only told one person,
I wasn't sure who.
But it was you?
Yes, it was me.
And now you just tell me on the telephone,
you found that key, it was on Eddie Kane.
Right, we found it. Here it is.
But there's a problem.
Well, what's the problem? Doesn't the key fit the lock?
No, it fits, the key fits,
fits like a glove.
All right, there's your answer.
Then obviously, that's the key
that Eddie Kane used the night he came in here.
No, that would be impossible.
Why?
Officer, would you bring in Mr. Black?
Just wouldn't be possible.
Look, forgive me for… for seeming dumb about this thing,
but I just don't understand.
You've just shown me a key that fits that lock.
Right. Right, sir. It does fit.
Good evening, Mr. Black.
But, uh…
that lock wasn't on the door that night.
Oh, Mr. Black, Mr. Greenleaf.
Yeah. How do you do?
How do you do?
Mr. Black is a locksmith.
Right.
Mr. Black,
would you tell Mr. Greenleaf
when you put this lock on this door?
(Mr. Black) Oh, that… that was Thursday.
That was the day after that writer,
Mr. Mallory, was shot.
The day after?
I don't understand that.
Who ordered you to change the lock?
He did.
Yes, sir. I did.
Which raises a very troublesome question.
That will be all, Mr. Black.
For the life of me, I cannot figure out
how Eddie Kane would have a key to a lock
that was put on the door on my instructions
the day after he shot Mallory.
Does that make any sense to you?
No, not at all.
Why would Kane even come back here?
Sure is a puzzle, all right.
You don't have any answers?
No, not a one.
Beats me.
Well, thank goodness I got the answer
to the other thing that was bothering me.
What other thing?
Well, sir, I know you're expecting guests,
so I don't want to hold you up anymore.
It's true, I do have to leave, and I haven't got much time.
But I am curious. Now, what?
As long as you're curious, sir.
I figured out how Eddie Kane got in here that night.
Uh, he didn't use the key that was removed
from your car.
Mallory had changed that lock,
and, obviously, he didn't use this key.
The fact is, he didn't use any key.
Well, how did he get in here then?
He walked, the door was open.
Oh, the door was open?
Yes, sir.
You see, the air conditioner had broken down.
That's why that window was open.
You can actually hear the street noises on the tape.
But, you know, an open window on a muggy night's
not much help.
So I think Mr. Mallory must've opened that door.
That created a nice cross breeze here.
Now, when Mr. Kane arrived,
well, the door was open, he just walked in.
Mr. Mallory must've turned around
and he shot him.
All right. If that is true,
and it sounds conceivable enough to me,
but I don't see how that changes anything.
About what, sir?
About what happened.
Now, look, Columbo, I've had you up to here.
And frankly, I'm not interested in locks and keys
and open doors
and air conditioners, and how he got in here.
What the hell difference does it make how he got in here?

Now, that's all I know.
And that's all I'm interested in.
Mr. Wolpert.
I thought that name might mean something.
Let's see if we're talking about
the same Mr. Wolpert.
We know you two fellows know one another,
so don't bother to hide it.
No, you're wrong, we don't know each other.
This young man may have seen me going…
That's a lie.
I resent that.
Mr. Greenleaf,
you told me that you knew nothing
about the contents of Mr. Mallory's new novel.
That's right, I don't.
That's another lie.
Thank you, Officer.
Good evening, Norman.
Good evening.
I met this young man the night of the murder.
Works for a manuscript service.
Picks up Mr. Mallory's tapes,
takes them to his company's office,
the next day the typist transcribes the tapes.
Then he returns the tapes and the typed pages.
Except for the extra copy
which he passed to you.
Now, that's nothing but assumption, it's pure speculation.
I've checked your bank accounts,
you made five monthly cash deposits
of $1,000 each.
Now, a court might want to know
where you got that money on your salary.
You look at me.
You don't have to say anything.
I'm not talking about losing your job.
I'm talking about murder.
Don't you say a word. I'll call my lawyer.
He's involving you in a murder.
Was that part of the deal?
Look, um, I did get a set of the pages
to Mr. Greenleaf.
But I'm not involved in any murder.
I don't know a thing about a murder.
I believe you.
Go on home now,
we'll get your statement later.
Thank you. Go on.
All right, Columbo.
So he testifies that he gave me those papers.
What's that mean?
It means you knew everything that Mallory was writing.
Day by day, including the ending.
Even if I knew the ending,
that still doesn't mean that I was the one who murdered the man.

In this synopsis that you gave me,
which you claim Eddie Kane wrote nine months ago,
the hero saves his men,
and he goes off to live in a monastery.
I hate to tell you this, sir,
but there is no way that Eddie Kane
could've had that idea.
It wasn't even Allen Mallory's.
It was given to him by his agent, Miss McRae.
And for the life of me,
I cannot figure out how Eddie Kane
could have written an ending nine months ago
that was only invented last week.
I guess you see my point.


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@* * Copyright 2010-2013 Artima, Inc. * * Licensed under the Apache License, Version 2.0 (the "License"); * you may not use this file except in compliance with the License. * You may obtain a copy of the License at * * http://www.apache.org/licenses/LICENSE-2.0 * * Unless required by applicable law or agreed to in writing, software * distributed under the License is distributed on an "AS IS" BASIS, * WITHOUT WARRANTIES OR CONDITIONS OF ANY KIND, either express or implied. * See the License for the specific language governing permissions and * limitations under the License. *@ @import controllers.Application.scalatestScaladocsPageUrl @import controllers.Application.scaladocsPageUrl @userGuidePage("Normalization") {
The Scalactic Normalization
trait allows you to define a custom ways normalize objects based on their type.
For example, to normalize Double
s by truncating off any decimal part,
you might write:
import org.scalactic._ val truncated = new Normalization[Double] { def normalized(d: Double) = d.floor }
Given this definition you could use it with the explicitly DSL
like this:
import org.scalatest._ import Matchers._ import TypeCheckedTripleEquals._ (2.1 should === (2.0)) (after being truncated)
Note that to use a Normalization
with the Explicitly
DSL, you'll need to be using either
TypeCheckedTripleEquals
or
ConversionCheckedTripleEquals
.
If you're just using plain-old TripleEquals
,
you'll need a Uniformity
(described below), a Normalization
subtrait.
If you make the truncated
val
implicit and import or mix in the members of
NormMethods
,
you can access the behavior by invoking .norm
on Double
s.
implicit val doubleNormalization = truncated import NormMethods._ val d = 2.1 d.norm // returns 2.0
An important subtype of Normalization
is Uniformity
, which
defines a custom way to normalize instances of a type that can also handle normalization of that type when passed as Any
.
For example, to normalize Double
s by truncating off any decimal part,
you might write:
import org.scalactic._
val truncated = new Uniformity[Double] { def normalized(d: Double) = d.floor def normalizedCanHandle(o: Any) = o.isInstanceOf[Double] def normalizedOrSame(o: Any): Any = o match { case d: Double => normalized(d) case _ => o } }
Given this definition you could use it with the Explicitly
DSL like this:
import org.scalatest._ import Matchers._
2.1 should equal (2.0) (after being truncated)
If you make the truncated
val
implicit and import or mix in the members of NormMethods
,
you can access the behavior by invoking .norm
on Double
s.
implicit val doubleUniformity = truncated import NormMethods._
val d = 2.1 d.norm // returns 2.0
As mentioned previously, by creating a Uniformity
rather than just an instance of its supertype, Normalization
,
it can be used more generally. For example, Uniformity
s allow you to the Explicitly
DSL with
TripleEquals
, whereas Normalization
s require
TypeCheckedTripleEquals
or
ConversionCheckedTripleEquals
.
Uniformity
s also enable you to use the Explicitly
DSL with ScalaTest's should
===
, equal
,
and contain
matcher syntax, whereas a plain Normalization
can only be used with should
===
, and only
under either TypeCheckedTripleEquals
or ConversionCheckedTripleEquals
.
Next, learn about The Explicitly DSL.


I am in the process of making all of this happen for everyone. I don't quite I have my game all setup and I will be revamping my entire website so please stay tuned for I have quit my full time job to attend Devbootcamp and I will have more time to focus on my passion!
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