Island and AJ's podcast for your Monday.
Most wonderful show is keeping up with the Joneses.
-Hey, did Jones? -Yes, sir.
-Pissel 262.
-I'm well. Thank you. How are you?
-I'm a little bit chilly.
This tabletop is stone and it is... -So cold.
-...a reason cold, but it feels quite nice to rest my arms again.
-It doesn't feel nice. It's so cold.
-We are recording this on a Sunday afternoon.
We had lunch at three o'clock because that's when we got home from.
Yes, church went a little long, which was wonderful.
It was really dark outside.
You made taco soup.
Whenever it's raining, I want soup.
And I don't begrudge you that.
And there's maybe three or four different soups that I make.
And I would say this one was the best taco soup you've ever made.
Yeah, but you say that every time I make taco soup,
they just keep getting better.
OK.
I'm not given to here hyperbole or lying.
OK.
They were amazing.
Amazing, they were amazing.
Weekly catch up, tell me about this week.
I feel like this week is worthy of a weekly catch up.
- Yeah, lots happened this week.
I think this was the first full week
that I didn't teach at the school.
So that was nice.
I mean, in terms of, you know, just workloads.
- What were you doing while I was teaching?
'Cause I taught on five-fold ministry,
Apostles and Brothers.
- Well, I did take Monday off.
- Oh, look at you.
- So I just sat at home in the quiet.
You were gone, the kids were gone,
This house is so nice and quiet when you all aren't here.
I just sat in a living room and just breathed.
- I taught at the school and then I taught at Aminee
and I can't remember the last time I was done.
That's probably years ago where I've done a full day of teaching.
- Yeah.
- And then go teach at Aminee.
- Yeah.
- And I had fun teaching at Aminee.
I think I'd forget, I'm not very good at titling.
I rarely ever, if ever, title my messages.
- Yes.
- Because the title of my message last Monday was,
God's purposes can't be stopped, but they can be missed.
- Oh, that's interesting.
- Yeah, and I almost became a Calvinist.
- Oh, oh dear.
- No, I was just talking about how--
- Let's notify RT.
(laughs)
- I already did that, you know,
that I'm just like, hey, I preached a message
that might make you less ashamed to say you're,
you know, I'm a friend of yours.
- Oh good.
- But yeah, no, I had lots of fun.
I've just been sat with the majesty
and the confidence of God that he's God
and that he's all powerful
and that we can still opt out of what he's doing,
which by the way, we never wanna opt out.
But often we do.
Because of her or a variety of reasons.
That's why I speak done.
Speak done.
That's what I speak done.
- That's what he speak done.
- I wasn't a spokesperson in England.
- No.
- A building of show notes.
- Don't speak with a Scottish accent
or this is gonna have to be a short podcast.
- That might have been a short.
- Did you, I never in my wildest dreams
would I ever think that a Scottish accent
would be a turn off.
Apologies to the whole nation as well.
- Turn off or turn on.
- Turn on is what I meant.
- Well, yeah, I married a guy with a Scottish accent
And now you sound like an American.
- I sound like American.
- No, not quite.
- I sound like a real good American.
- Not like a redneck, but just an American.
- Okay, we're just a big hole.
People groups here.
- Okay.
- All right, I taught you talk.
- Hey friends, if you're a redneck, we still love you.
(laughing)
- We do.
We've got lots of good friends for a good redneck.
- Well, yeah.
I was gonna say, wouldn't they call themselves like more?
I'm trying to think.
- No, they call themselves redneck.
- No, they call themselves, okay.
- Yep, good.
- Moving right along.
- Moving right along.
Before we lose subscribers.
- Yeah.
- We had, because it's kind of a relaxing week,
like moving into relaxing week.
We've done lots of movies at home,
which we haven't had time to sit and watch movies.
- Yeah, I haven't watched a movie in months.
- We watched the new James Bond movie, what'd you think?
- We did.
It was very long.
- Oh, it was, two hours, 37 minutes,
something like that.
- It felt even longer.
I am a sucker for a good James Bond movie
and this was a good James Bond movie.
- It was a good movie.
- No spoilers. - It was a good movie.
- Yeah, yeah.
- I just, I love the scope.
- Mm-hmm.
- The grandiose cinematic scope
and the cinematography was beautiful and,
oh, I loved it.
I think it's gonna tie into what we're gonna talk about.
But I've got so many emotional memories
tied to James Bond movies.
- Yeah.
- Because as a family, it was the one movie
that my parents would let us watch when we were kids.
- Really?
- That's how I learned about making out.
James Bond. That's how you learned about. I don't know. I remember my mom and dad would explain it to James Bond kiss. Yeah. I mean, forget that he was a flander. Those morals escaped. Do you think James Bond ever belched in his wife's mouth when he was kissing her?
Okay, that's coming up. Well, we're doing a weekly catch up. So it just came to me. I had a moment in her marriage where I've never been so simultaneously.
horrified and astonished that I'm still alive to tell them.
I leaned into kiss AJ, open-mouth kiss, and as I leaned into kisser, I
belched. I don't mean a burp.
No. I don't mean a burp. I mean a belch.
It was an exhale as well, and I kind of blew it onto her mouth.
You didn't beat me. I was surprised.
I walked away.
It shocked.
And then you tried to apologize profusely.

I just haven't decided what I'm going to require of you.
Well, I did not mean it.
Yeah, it's OK.
You're still going to pay.
It was horrifying.
Anyway, love the James Bond movie.
Yeah.
And then last night we watched Shang-Chi and the Legend
of the Ten Rings.
Yes.
What do you think that is?
I guess it's a Marvel movie, isn't it?
There's some guests.
It's a Marvel movie.
Well, I was thinking, you know, in my mind, some things get--
Buckle up.
--a little confused.
So I realized when we were starting the James Bond movie,
we had to go back and watch trailers
for the previous four movies,
because I was thinking, well, no, I'm sort of a malgomating
mission impossible with James Bond.
And so I was like, oh yeah, I know who that guy is,
'cause he gets trapped at the end of the last movie
in a box and an underground and whatever.
And then I was like, oh no, that,
this thing doesn't have time for us in it.
So we had to go back and watch trailers and you like,
- Yeah, I showed you like the previous film
for Daniel Craig and the trailer
so you can know who they're talking about.
- Yeah, and so I realized sometimes I get them all
and jumbled up and then sometimes with the,
not so much with the Marvel movies
but because they're all sort of different,
well like, you know, there's like guardian of the galaxy,
Marvel people and then there's like--
- To be fair, there are a lot of super-guitar
- More above you, people, yeah.
- And the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
And it used to be like we were in a big routine
of when they would come out.
- Yeah.
- And you know, the last couple of years has been chaos.
- Yeah.
- And so yeah, we, there's a movie out in the theaters
right now called The Eternals, which we haven't seen
'cause we're not prone to go to a movie theater
in the midst of a pandemic.
So we're just watching them when they come out.
I got confused that you,
I got confused that you had already seen the Black Widow one.
We watched it darling in our living room.
- Yeah, see, I don't.
- So Abby remembers that the three of us watched it,
but for some reason you have a mental block.
- I don't think you're lying to me,
but I don't remember what you think.
- Yeah, I don't remember what you think.
- Okay.
- I think we've established that
over the course of our marriage.
- Certainly.
- All right, anything else happened this week?
- Adoption news.
- Adoption news, yeah, we launched the adoption podcast,
of course, and got lots of great comments
and just super encouraging words.
So thank you.
- You know one of my favorite things is,
I don't, when I say lots of people come out of the woodwork,
I don't mean they were previously hiding.
- Right.
- But one of the beautiful things about talking about
adopting is I've had people come to me and say,
did you know I was adopted, which I hear the two did not know?
- Right.
- I've had birth moms come and say,
hey, I placed my child for adoption 30 years ago.
I love that you're adopting.
I've had people who said, oh, we adopted.
And I didn't know and getting to hear people's stories
has been wonderful.
So thank you to everybody who's reached out
and share the story or encouragement or offer to help,
we greatly appreciate all of this.
- Yes, so great.
- And also thank you to everybody who's given.
We have a GoFundMe, and we're just really blown away
by people's generosity and their thoughtfulness.
One of the sad things I didn't realize
is we don't get contact details for people who give.
- Yes.
- So we would love to send you a card or call you
and say thank you.
- Yeah, I was all like, all right, I'm gonna send
thank you cards and we're like, we don't have
anybody's information to do that.
- All we can do is use GoFundMe kind of built in.
So if you just, you know, and I'm worried that might get sent to spam, but a big thank you to everybody who's there.
Yes.
Thank you so much.
And a reminder, if you want to stay up to date on our adoption journey, go to ellenanag.com/adopt.
And if somehow you missed that episode and you didn't know we're adopting, guess what?
We're adopting.
Yeah.
So we signed up with another larger agency this week.
So yeah.
We're still in the waiting game.
We're in the waiting game.
And I'm excited.
Yeah.
OK.
Anything else from this week?
I think that's it.
- Mark de Ponce. - Mark de Ponce here.
- Yeah. - Yeah.
- Mark de Ponce here.
Mark de Ponce is here, but also,
you made the most amazing Scottish shortbread last night,
accidentally.
- Well, I mean, I didn't make it accidentally.
I made it on purpose.
But they're called Spritz cookies apparently.
- Here?

These are made with like a cookie press.
- Well, they were delicious.
- They taste like shortbreads, so don't they?
- Yeah, but your ones are like tiny.
It's got shortbread you could build houses from.
- Right.
- So if you could make them a little bit bigger,
that would be one thing.
- Yeah, I got a gift certificate to a cooking store
for my birthday.
And so I got a cookie press,
so I could make cookies with the girls,
and they had a riot making--
- Which I'll tickle me impressed.
- Tickle you impressed?
- Or color me impressed, whatever the saying is.
When you came home with it, I was like,
- Okay, this looks like a rip off.
It looks like total gimmicks that will never work,
but oh my gosh, it's like 3D printing, but with dough.
- Yeah, I was just pretty impressed with it.
- But it's got texture and ridges and layers and peaks
and I was super impressed.
Did you use them all?
- I only used three of the discs.
- How many of them are there?
- There's like 12 or something, so.
- All right, well I see a full replica.
- Yes, yes, yes.
So it's the, if you're, if you are looking in cookie presses, it's the oxo one.
Oh, like so I'll put a link in the show notes because I'm sure everybody wants
to see.
Well, it's quite, it's quite, I'm not a baker.
I'm not a baker.
So it has to be pretty easy and low maintenance for me to be willing to do it.
But it is very impressive.
Very impressive, very easy, easy to clean up.
Loved it.
All right.
Yeah.
Our main topic.
Yes.
But this week.
Yes.
Continue. I'm really enjoying the five things aspect.
I don't know if I'm enjoying it because it's easier to come up with topics.
Right.
I hope you're enjoying it too.
Give some feedback if you're not, or if you are,
or if you want to suggest other topics that we could talk about.
This week is five things we didn't know about therapy.
Yes.
And before we jump into it, it's worth noting that the term therapy is an umbrella
term under which a vast variety of approaches to mental health or whole
hard living could be found.
Sure. We are not experts at all, nor are we trying to cover all aspects of therapy.
Right. Largely, we're just talking about our experiences with, I guess, counseling.
Yes. And further to that, because maybe you'll talk about this, you had some horrible experiences
with counseling. Yes. Many years ago. Yes. So not all counseling or counselors are equal.
Yeah, but you can't say that because that's one of my points.
Okay, well, I'll let you have that. But what I was going to say is it's not like we have done
Christian counseling. Right. And what I mean by that is, yes, all of the counselors that you and I
have seen have been Christians. But their approach has been from a clinical classical training,
that it's not like they're bringing... Well, I would say I've done both.
You've done both. I mean, in recent years, the thing that we're learning about is not necessarily
Christian counseling, theophastic, or veering into some of the inner healing stuff. Correct.
It's our practitioners do have their own personal face with Jesus Christ, but they're using traditional
counseling tools. Yes.
That's what I want to say. Yeah. Yeah. That's good. Because you see the title you could think that
we're talking about a wide variety of things. Some of you never even heard of. And there's lots of
there's lots of tools that we have used. When you said have there. I know some
- Ah!
- I was like, you're breaching her.
(laughing)
- Well, I'm thinking like we've both had heart sinks.
We've both had, you know, sozo.
We've both done the apostrics.
And so, you know, RTF.
So we've done all those things.
Those would certainly be tools that we would still use
if we-- - I'm still in door.
- Yeah, right, right, right.
But what we're talking about today
is more traditional type of therapy.
- Yeah. - Yes.
There you go.
- And we've got five each.
Yes.
- Did you wanna start?
- Do you want me to start?
- I don't mind.
I will go wherever.
- I'll start.
'Cause then if you take mine,
you have to come up with your own.
- I like that.
- Isn't that how that works?
- Or we could just say, "I like the same thing."
- Oh, I could do that all the way through then.
I could just be like, "Those are my five things."
- What I'm dealing with, she's cute, she's in pink,
she makes a mean taco soup, but.
- Okay, so things I,
so I would say having had more Christian type
type counseling. I would end up doing a lot of like theophastics and that kind of stuff.
Explain theophastics to people who don't know what theophastics are.
Theophastics is essentially like re going into a scene that is probably a scene from
your life and asking Jesus, "Where are you in that scene?" And then having a conversation
essentially with Jesus about what you're seeing, what's happening, what did he want you to
- No. - Getting his perspective.
- Getting his perspective.
But I would say for me, sometimes that gave me license
to not feel my emotions, right?
- Sometimes.
- Well, okay, many most, those, yes.
So.
- Which, by the way, I don't want to point out
as a shortcoming of theophastics, I think it's.
- It was what I, like, it was how I sort of was like,
"Oh, I'll just invite Jesus in and Jesus will tell me the logic of why such and such
thing happened and then I will feel my emotions for an appropriate amount of time, which is
probably five to ten minutes."

Does that make sense?
Yes, it makes perfect sense.
Would you say that you and I have a similarity in that we prioritize not feeling our feelings
as a way to keep her heart safe.
Yes.
OK, I don't want to make that true about you.
Certainly true about me.
Yes.
Yeah. OK.
So again, not a shortcoming of theophosphics per se, just our approach.
And maybe having a revelation.
And you being probably more on the logical like I would tend to lean towards
in situations being more logical, linear rather than emotive.
Right.
And so I realized, oh, that's how I also did the apostrics or, you know,
it's not that I didn't cry.

I'm with you.
So my number one is, is that healing is on the other side of feeling my emotions.
Healing is on the other side of feeling your emotions.
Yeah, because I would say I, and I mean feeling my emotions without putting a cap on what's the appropriate amount of time to feel it for.
What is the appropriate amount of time?
Well, it depends on the emotion in case you're wondering.

So I'm not going to feel angry because I'm a good Christian.
Oh, but I did feel angry.
Yeah.
I just shoved it down, right?
Did you know you were doing that?
Did you know you were doing that or is that a new revelation?
No, I mean, I, I knew I was doing it as a child into teenage.
That's how I coped with everything.
And I probably thought that I had gotten better at that because again,
I would allow myself to feel angry for an appropriate amount of time, perhaps five
minutes.

Um, and I realized actually I probably really short circuited
getting to healing faster for lack of a better explanation because I refuse to in the moment,
just be able to feel how I feel and be okay with it.
Do you remember when that revelation came to you? Oh, if I feel my feelings,
there's something on the other side of that.
I would say, even if the feeling was justified, I was still angry that I was feeling instead of
faith in. So you're angry at yourself for being human.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. Probably when I went to this age,
hill training was when it started sort of shifting in terms of my
understanding of it. But it was a slow, slow turning boat.
I'm can I ask you questions? I guess I don't know if you've
know what some her list, she doesn't know what's on mine.
Okay.
I'm so curious about what that shift looked like.
Because I was with you on the weekend that we did the Seychelle training.
And you weren't having a good time.
No, I wasn't.
I don't know.
So my experience of you wasn't, my gosh, I'm learning some things and my heart is shifting.
It was like a very different experience.
Well, I think I think I wasn't having a good time because I had all kinds of emotions
about what I was seeing and feeling and all that kind of stuff and nobody was doing
Nobody was doing theophysics. Nobody was inviting Jesus in nobody was praying at the end to make everybody feel better
Nobody and I was just like oh my gosh. This is irresponsible
What has happened because it's not it wasn't my paradigm for how you help somebody process
So it was irresponsible because you're making me feel feelings
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And then not not helping me just being like, yeah, I'm okay that you feel that. Well, I'm not okay that I feel that you psycho. So yeah.
So yeah. Yeah, that was, I mean, that's when it started, but I would honestly say, I mean, that's three years ago now, isn't it? And.
So what did you do with all of that?
- Yeah.
- Irresponsibility that they had inflicted upon you
and now you're having feelings.
- Well, I actually talked to my leader
about how irresponsible I felt that this process was.
- All right.
- And they basically were like,
and how do you feel about that?
And I was like, oh, I just want to thump you right now.
(laughing)
You know, I think I've just expressed it.
I think about it.
- I have you in a chokehold.
Does that express anything to you?
Why don't you write an interpretive dance about
how I'm feeling?
- So yeah, I mean, I,
Well, I don't know what you just asked me.
I can't remember.
- Well, so you very clearly stated
that you had feelings about having feelings
and that was new for you because what you just told me
was in your theophastic moments,
I had feelings in a clinical safe environment.
- With like a trusted person.
- And then it would go away and that was the point.
I'll feel it and that's gone.
And now you're on the other side of whatever journey
you've been on saying, man, I totally missed it.
I realized that if I allow my heart to feel,
there is feelings on the other side.

What was the space between those two things?
- Oh, like hard work of realizing really the issue
is I want to be in control.

- Yeah.
And of course I live with this guy.
- You're looking. - All the time.
- Athletic. - Good looking, athletic,
great here. - Yeah, humble.
- Okay.
(laughs)
Who is always like, well, how do you feel about that?
And what do you need?
And I realized those questions made me so angry
because I couldn't logic those questions.
- But again, they made me so angry.
My experience of living with you wasn't that you felt
you didn't display anger towards me about that.

- No, no, no, but I mean, I do manage myself in general.
Like I'm not, I'm not a hugely demonstrative person.
So even the things that I'm feeling inside,
I'm probably gonna process those for a good deal of time
before they come to the outside.

I don't mean passionate, I just mean like, ugh.

- Yeah.
- Look at that.
Which to be fair, they told us not to go home
and use those questions,
but I figured you'd already done the course.
So we were both in the same boat.
So we could not use them on people who hadn't done the course,
but we could use them on each other.
And of course I was like, I don't know,
a year into this, two years into this,
a year and a half at least.
- And on one level, it was great
'cause it kept pushing a button enough that I was like,
oh, I think I want to go and actually get in therapy myself
to see what I might not know about me.
- Okay.

And I'm like, my goal is to know what I need because I never know what I need because I
don't remember being allowed to need.
So that's huge.

Um, and, but I don't think I've done myself any favors by managing it the way that I have.
Do you know what I mean?
Like by essentially just hiding it and hoping it's going to go away and then it manifesting
through your body and sickness.
Yes.
Yeah.
Thus all of last year.
Mm hmm.
So it's so profound.

When I hear you say, "I went to therapy because I realized I did not know what I need."
And I'm just thinking about, I'm zooming out 100,000 feet and just thinking, "What sort
of life can you live if you don't know what you need?"
I mean, think about a child who doesn't know what they need, doesn't know that they need
clothing or love or support or education or safety.
And then, you know, now I know you.
I don't think of you as someone who doesn't know what they need.
And yeah, I also trust you when you when you say that.
And I'm just thinking it out here and I'm trying to spitball here.
I guess the way you got through life was watch what other people need
and assume the things that they need.
Oh, exactly. Yeah.
So it wasn't like you were a basket case or uncontrollable,
but you'd lost a sense of self of what does Alison Jean need?
Or or in many, I mean, in many seasons need nothing
so that you can't be disappointed.
Like just, you know, because my, my needs were not famine oriented.
Like my food was covered, my clothes, you know, I was fed and clothed and whatever.
What am I going to complain about?
Right.
Exactly.
Which is probably what your self talk.
Right.
Right.
My needs are emotional.
Um, you know, and, and just security and encouragement and all that kind of stuff.
And just sort of went, you know what, it's way better to not have needs.
Then you don't get continually disappointed.
But what I what I trained myself to do is to not have needs and essentially be invisible.
And so then when somebody asked me what my needs are, I, you know, I just realized I can't even answer that.
I don't have a need.
Right.
But I don't have a need not out of a healthy place, but out of a I don't allow myself to have a need.
Wow.
That's a pretty big number one.
Yeah.
You ready for number two?
Well, I mean, I think I, I like.
I'm learning lots.
Okay.
I mean, we're talking about five things I didn't know about therapy.
Yeah.
That's a big one.
Yeah.
Like in many ways, that's a big thing I didn't know about myself.
Yeah.
And I didn't know that therapy would give you, I'm not trying to write your list, but I'm
like, that's big.
That's weighty.
That's heavy.
Yeah.
Be sure.
Give me number two.
All right.
Number two is not all therapists are created equal.
So good.
I'm packed.
What do you mean by that?
Well, I, many years ago, well, between doing like suicide, I mean, I'm like, I'm like, I'm
doing like suicide support group, my dad killed himself and some stuff at church, which was
very unhealthy for me. I had an eskema in my mind of this is what counseling looks like.
And after several negative experiences, I was like, and I'll just do all of my inner
healing me and God, much safer to keep these psychotic people out of my scenario.
So and then, you know, I, of course, did the Sage Hill training.

And then I did some group therapy.
And that for me wasn't awesome.
But not because of like anything specific, like in terms of not that the counselors, I
didn't do one-on-one counseling with them. I don't know. Maybe they're amazing, you know.
But for me, that group therapy scenario was not particularly the one that I was in what
wasn't great for me. And then since starting to see my current therapist, which I started
seeing him in June, I realized, oh, I leave feeling like I've been heard feeling like
I've also been challenged to live differently.
I just feel like a release from having been able to talk about things with somebody who feels safe.
And my realization is I had so much fear going to see him because I had so many bad experiences before.
And he's actually really redeemed that for me.
- I fully agree with your point.
In fact, your point made my list too.
- Oh, see, combined points.
I like it.
- Yeah, great.
Number three.
- That group therapy and one-on-one therapy are different
and produce different results.
- You didn't know that before?
- Well, for me before they were all just a bundle of,
just wanna stay away from all of that nonsense.
- I hear you.
- Right?
- Tell me about your experience.
- Just all a negative soup.
And so, you know, whether it was group therapy
seemed like a magnification of something awful,
which is therapy.
Now we're going to add more people into that.
- Which was when you were reacting when I came home
and said, I think I'm gonna start group therapy
where you just gefawed laughing.
- Yeah, because I was like, I remember saying
you couldn't pay me enough to do that.
Which of course, a couple of years later,
I signed up to try it.
- That's how inner values work.
- Rice, yeah.
Rice.
- Rice.
- Rice.
- But anyway, so like you were saying historically,
it was all terrible.
- Yeah.
- Right, and now you've redeemed the experience
of individual therapy.
- Individual therapy, yeah.
I'm only a fan of group therapy based on your experience.
So like-- - To be fair,
when you would describe what your group therapy experience
was like. - Yeah.
- It sounded like,
that did not sound like group therapy,
that sounded like a social club on your and outside
and later to the party.
- Right, and they did actually implode the group,
you know, on purpose.
They were like, we're gonna disband this group
for, you know, they didn't--
- So many reasons you call it out.
- Yeah, so, you know, fair enough.
But unfortunately I was, you know,
part of that group for a little while,
and I love individually, I loved all the,
like ladies that were in it, it's not that,
it was just the dynamic was, and as a feeler,
it was so strange for me.
- How different was your experience of group therapy
that you went to privately on your own
versus the group therapy that you did
as part of the state show training.
Like just compare those two experiences.
- The one that was part of the training
felt like it had way more structure to it
and it felt more like people were leading it.
The other one didn't feel like it was being led.
It felt like it was sort of blown by the wind.
- Okay.
- And again, because I'm like, I don't, you know,
it makes sense that the one on the training weekend,
which is like, you are going to go to group now
and talk about this is gonna feel more structured.
And I don't know what it's supposed to feel like
in a healthy group when you're not on a training weekend.
So I don't have like a comparison.
- That makes sense.
- And so you're saying the good example
that you are perhaps eager to find out about,
it's just from my experience, is that what you're saying?
- Yeah, I mean, you had so much great fruit
from group therapy and you loved it
and you'd get so excited about going
where I would be like, I'm going
because I said I would go and I'm hoping that I get something great out of it because Alan
thinks this is amazing.
And I've only ever done one group.

The people in the group cycled through, so in many ways it was a different group, but
by and large we had the same, for the two years it was one, the same group leader was
consistent.
Yeah.
And for a year it was one guy and for a year it was another guy.
so there's some differences, but still,
I don't know if I just struck gold
and found the best group ever, TM,
or whether it was my first experience,
and I haven't done a different group therapy,
and I'm almost too scared to for the same reason of,
like, you guys aren't doing it the way I like doing it.
And I don't wanna be that person,
or maybe I do, I don't know, but yes.
But it is interesting that the Lord
has redeemed individual therapy for you.
- Yes.
- And I'm not the has to, like, you know, again,
the important thing to understand that therapy,
group therapy, is not a magic bullet.
It's not the solution.
It's not the only way to have whole hardness.
It's just one facet of what, you know, is available to us.
But I would be really passionate for everybody
to have a group experience, like I had a group experience.
But maybe they don't need it.
Like maybe the reason I needed it was what I got from it
and other people have already got that.
So they might not need it.
And I also have wondered more recently when I've thought about as much as I like to, as
much as I'm like, oh, I'm more logical, you know, whatever.
I'm still a feeler.

And so for me to be with, you know, five or six other women that are all feeling big feelings
And then, you know, not really know how to process all the things I'm feeling off of different people.
That just, that's great.
But would you ever talk about the feelings that you're feeling?
Great for me.
No, because I wasn't leading the group and I kept coming back to like, okay, if I'm here for me, does it help me to talk about what I feel like you're feeling and what's raining off?
It kind of doesn't.
See, for me, it would.
Okay.
I'd be like, I'm having this feeling about you
and it's getting in the way of me being me.

- Sure, babe, but I would have been doing that
like every minute, like that wouldn't have been.
Yeah, so for me, I think sitting in a room
with only one other person and not, you know.
Well, I'm just thinking like when I did group therapy,
I wanted to not feel that would have made that so much easier,
but that wasn't an option.
I haven't figured out how to shut off anything
when it's turned on.
So, number four, me trying to figure out
what he, my therapist is thinking about what I am saying
is actually counterproductive.
- Say that again from the dark.
- 'Cause I've done that.
- So me trying to figure out what he is thinking
about what I am saying is counterproductive.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause I realized that I was like,
oh, I'm not actually engaging with me and what I feel
when I'm spending time thinking about,
what are you thinking about what I just said?
- Do you ask him about that?
Or do you follow you on that?
- No, I just realized that that's what I was doing.
And then I thought, this isn't gonna help me.
Like this isn't gonna help me be present
with how I'm feeling, which is why I'm here.
I don't care what you're thinking really.
- You got to that point way faster than I did.
- Oh really?
- Oh my gosh.

- Oh my gosh.
- And I was just doing that the whole time.
- Yeah.

- Yeah, but I think also I'm confident
that if my therapist is thinking something,
he'll actually say it, like he'll call me on stuff.
But I realized, yeah, I realized that had sort of become
a protection mechanism, you know, like me thinking about
what he's thinking about, what I'm saying
actually allows me to disconnect from how I feel right now.
- It's your go to thing to get away from you.
What does it give you?
- Well, to get away from my feelings, yes, yes.
- What does it give you if you know what he's thinking?
- Nothing.
I mean, I don't know.
- I don't know.
- No, no, I just, you know,
you were so aware that you were doing it
and decided to stop doing it.
- Yeah.

- Yeah.
Clearly you were doing it for our reason.
And that reason could just be habit.
This is what all is done.
But it could be like, you know,
it makes me feel like I'm doing therapy right.
Like am I even doing this right?
- Yeah.
- I'm looking at his face for cues
as to whether this is going well.
Like there's so many reasons
and I don't know your reasons.
So that's, I was just curious.
- I don't know if I've isolated that.
So, and then number five.
- Wait, we're moving way too quickly.
You don't want to stay with number four?
- No, I don't. - I want to explore that.
- Yeah, I don't.
'Cause you know what?
I'm not in therapy right now.
- No, I'm just, okay, fine, whatever.
I'll work with the boundaries.
- And then number five was,
so much healing comes from simple validation.
- Unpack out during it.
- Well, so I realized like one of my main difficulties
when we did the Sage Hill Training was,
you're having people, you know,
right a list of the 10 most horrible things
that happened to them and then share two of them.
And I'm like, you're having people share
two of their hardest things.
And then nobody is praying for them,
helping them process it, whatever,
but they're saying,
"Now, how do you feel about what AJ just said?"
Or, "How do you feel about what bought?"
And again, I felt like this is so irresponsible
and how is this helpful to anyone?
- Right.
- Until I went.
And I shared whatever, we had to read this.
we had to write out one of our things.
You know, what things, you know,
we had to write out one of the things into like a story
and we would put in like what did things smell like,
what did they feel like, all that kind of stuff.
Anyway, I read my things, sort of thinking,
I don't, I wasn't thinking this is dumb.
I just kind of wanted to get it over with.
I wasn't really sure what I would get out of it.
And I just thought, that's fine.
I've done the assignment, check that box, you know,
kind of thing.
And read it.
And at the end, looked up and there was two of the dad type
people in my group, you know, like sort of one generation older
that were crying.
And both of them were like, I'm so angry
that somebody did that to you.
And I remember just feeling like, but like feeling
the validation of, oh, yeah, that really wasn't OK.
brought so much healing and still nobody prayed
and nobody asked me where Jesus was when that was,
you know what I mean?

Like I didn't actually share what was happening with me.
So I was thinking that and it's similar to
We talk at church about sinking with one another,
like sinking with somebody in the midst.
And you're not trying to fix their pain,
you're just saying, I'm really sorry,
that really sucked or whatever the thing is.
But sinking with them where they are.
And I realized like I didn't realize how,
I've done it with other people for them.
But I haven't, I didn't realize how powerful it was
for somebody to just validate,
hey, that really wasn't okay.
And for me, that ushered in the Holy Spirit
being able to start to talk to me about, you know,
you know, basically where I've aligned my expectations
with disappointment and things like that
because of like one memory.
So, yeah.

It's okay, I'm just gonna look away for a minute.
- Okay, 'cause you felt for too long of an appropriate moment.
(laughing)
- That's right, I felt my sadness for an appropriate
two and a half minutes.
- Aww, that makes me sad.
I feel sad just joking about that.
- Okay.
- It is powerful, isn't it?
The whole thing of being with somebody,
just creating a space for them to be,
and be with them in that.
- And not fixing it, nobody tried to fix it,
'cause I think sometimes we feel like a pressure
to like somebody tells you something really hard
and really, or really sad.
And as particularly those Christians,
we wanna throw a scripture verse at it.
Well, let me pray for you.
Or let me, and really, some of us sometimes we're saying,
"Well, let me help you disconnect from feeling bad
"because I feel uncomfortable," or whatever.
And actually-- - It's not even care for them.
It's all about us.
Let me help you disconnect from it
so you don't have feelings
so I don't have to have feelings about your feelings.
- Right, right.

But actually it did so much good.
So yeah, that's all I was thinking.
Yeah, it's beautiful.
What great list, AJ Jones.
Yes.
I love being with you.
I nailed my list.
Thank you.
I did.
I really loved hearing some of that.
Thank you.
And I loved getting to hear about your journey because we've talked a little bit about it.
You know, through the years, but it's nice, nice.
But I feel really connected to you.
I feel really intimate hearing that side of your story.
All right, you ready for my five?
I am number one.
Number one.
I wasn't aware of the significant differences
and the similarities between inner healing and counseling or inner healing and therapy.
OK.
So I think, you know, we were talking about doing
say chill training. I think for a lot of us, because you know, a lot of our team went to this thing
and run by, you know, trained clinicians. And probably we all had varying degrees of
questions, curiosity about like, Hey, why do you all do this? But then don't do this. Right.
And I realized in many ways, were, you know, the clinical psychology or the, you know,
you know, family therapy and counseling and inner healing are trying to scale the same
mountain, which is whole-hearted living.
Right.
Like from a Christian perspective, we want everybody, we want everybody to receive everything
that Jesus paid for, for, you know, the clinical model.
It's like, oh, yeah, we actually want you to be able to not just function, but live
full-heartedly.
Yeah.
And we're coming at it from two different directions.
And I was so curious about why they didn't do half the stuff that we did.
Me too.
And then also realized in hindsight that a lot of the stuff that we did from an inner
healing world didn't give you what they offered.
Right.
And previously I didn't value what they offered.
Right.

This could be my view of these tools.
So please don't hear me.
I think every model except for Jesus is going to be limited.
No matter how good it is, it's going to be limited.
And I actually think they're designed to work really well altogether.
I absolutely agree.
But I think historically my approach to inner healing was, what's your problem?
Let's fix it. Boom, problem gone.
Which is not how anything ever works.
Whereas I would and to be fair, I could have approached
counseling in the same way.
Yes.
Um, if I got to that first, perhaps, who knows?
But all I know is that when I got to counseling,
I was just so frustrated by the process
because it was just like, why aren't you fixing things?
Like it was my biggest complaint because my therapist
would be like, let's be curious together.
I'd be like, no, no, no, let me write you a check.
Let's you the expert, find out what's wrong,
and then let's work to fix it.
Because when I call a plumber--
- I don't wanna be curious.
- I don't wanna be curious.
I wanna write my check and make the problem go away.
(laughing)
And counseling or a good counselor
is not going to approach life that way at all.
So I just didn't realize those differences.
And I remember God bless Stephen James,
the CEO of Sage Hill.
I remember our senior team from Grace and I went
and met with him to say,
"We've dipped the toe of, you know,
"and we've dipped our toes in your pond.
"And here are some questions.
"What about this?
"And what about that?
"And what about this?
"And he was so patient to answer our questions,
"to help us discover, I don't know,
"the goal, the limitations inherent in each model."
And it was very, very helpful.
- Yeah.
- So there's significant differences with the approach,
but there's also significant similarities
in that we are after wholehearted living,
and I don't think I can emphasize this again.
The goal of this podcast is not like,
"Yay, therapy's good and boo,
"interhealing's bad at it."
- No, I think he means both.
- I would say that everything is,
everything we're talking about is just a facet
to getting what Jesus already paid for on the cross.
- Yeah, yeah.
- That would be my number one.
I was not aware,
And I could probably unpack that a little bit more in terms of like all the different things.
You know, the parallel I came up with while thinking about this is the difference
between praying for people to be healed and going to a doctor or a hospital.

And, you know, we shouldn't criticize any methodology that's used to reach that goal.
Yeah.
With me.
Yeah.
All right.
Number two, I did not know.
You try to look at my notes.
Well, I realized like you write full on paragraphs and I wrote like a point form
for each one.
Well, I'm a verbal processor.
And so when I'm verbally processing, I write down what I hear.
I didn't know how much I needed a space to receive.
Yeah.
Like I remember like the reason I went was I'd lost my mom and my dad in the space
of two years.
Yeah.
And you know, I'm having some feelings for my information.
Let's just go see this guy.

Right.
And I was completely missing the gift that was given to me.
Yeah.
Because I didn't value feelings.
I didn't value knowing what I felt so that I would know what I needed.
I didn't value any of that.
Where are you trying to hold on to yawn?
Yeah, okay, just let it out.
It's just easier.
No, your line's going to explode if you hold on to yawn.
There you go.
Look at that.
I did not know the value and the gift,
and I would encourage everybody, especially leaders,
to have a window where they're there not leading themselves.
They're allowing themselves to be led.
Yeah. It's certainly, it's really helpful when the whole rest of your world is leading others or
being responsible for others and giving output, whether it's as parents being in ministry, all
that kind of stuff for sure. Yeah. One of the reasons I was so fanatical about group therapy
was it was an hour and a half every week where nobody was looking for my input.
Yeah. Like our jobs were often required to give input answers, reasons, insight per, you know, like that's our job.
People are drawing on us to speak into situations.
Yeah. And I love my job. Yeah.
But to go for a year, for a year and a half, nobody even knew what I did for a living.
Nobody cared. Yeah.
To be in a room where I'm, you know, not a voice that people want to hear from. Yeah.
Unless I got something to share was absolutely wonderful. Yeah.
And then even one-on-one counseling to go there and just to have a space each week.
And actually, the story's about you and it's supposed to be about you,
rather than trying to do this fake humility thing. Because what I learned in therapy is everything
is always about us. We're all as humans, incredibly narcissistic. That's sin right there. But we
develop these skills to make it look like it's about you so that we can hide our shame about
about it want to be about me and the gift of going for therapy is it's like one week
and it is about you and if you try and make it about the therapist if they're good they'll
be like we're not here to talk about me like what do you need to talk about you yeah so
I didn't know how much I needed that and I think that whole thing was was humility
in action like if you can embrace and it sounds backwards about if you can embrace this hours
about you and you need it to be about you I became a better husband and father and leader
because of the time I allocated there.
- I agree.
- You do? - Yeah.
- All right, number three.
This was the same one that you had.
Your therapy is only as good as your therapist.
- Well, you said it different, but sure.
- Well, I wanna qualify that because all the data out there
says in the country,
it doesn't matter your therapist or the type of therapy
or the this or that,
what is actually the greatest determinator
of the success of therapy is the commitment of the client.
- Okay.
- The willingness of the client to show up and do the work
is the single biggest factor in determining
how effective therapy will be.
- Right.
- That's what like multiple reports have said.
I would argue that even if that's true,
the skill level of the therapist
is gonna determine the fruit of the therapy system.
- I think so.
- And I don't have an extensive experience,
as much as you in having bad therapists, but just in speaking to people who've been in
therapy or speaking to people who are sharing some of their experiences.
And I have been to some where I'm just like, what are you doing to find a skilled therapist
who meets what you need?
And sometimes it really doesn't have to do with their skill per se, but maybe their personality
or what you're looking for or what you need in that season.
Right.
And it might be different from season to season for sure.
Absolutely.
My encouragement with that is if you've had a bad experience with a therapist or bad
experience with therapy, can I encourage you to give it another go?
Because as age you said, you don't know what healing is waiting for you on the other side
of doing the work.
Yeah.
All right.
Number four, I love this.
Number four, as I was reflecting on this, like, what did I not know about therapy?
Was that number four is my head helped my heart find its voice?
Oh, that's cool.
Now ironically, going to my head was actually one of my defense mechanisms.
When I feel like I'm challenged, when I feel like I'm being threatened, when I feel overwhelmed,
let's just leave my heart, leave all those feelings that feel like I'm going to be suffocating
and drowning and go to my head and just logic, rationalize, debate my way out with it.
Throw bombs from there.
Yeah.
Right.
And I'm really good at it.
You are.
Very good.
I've had plenty of training in it.
Yeah.
And I'm at my best when I'm scared and my back's against the wall and just give me access to the
internet. And I'll be back in 30 seconds and I'll wipe the floor with you.
All right. And at what, like, you can imagine that produces a very lonely
existence. Yes. So ironic that the very defense mechanism that kept me isolated
was the very gift that brought me healing. Okay. And so what I mean by that is
being in therapy for like, I don't know, eight or nine months, and feeling like
I'm getting nowhere and then going to the Sage Hill weekend, the Sage Hill training,
where they kind of explained some of the magic behind the process.
Like, this is what we try to do when we're with a client.
This is how addiction cycles work.
This is how your feelings work.
This is how your brain processes emotion.
This is what separation does to a child.
This is what your family of origins done.
This is what your family systems have brought up that you keep living out.
Like having a excuse the word schema before, but having a framework, a grid to
understand stuff that somehow I do that I can see myself doing that I understand
that works I know what that's like I can it like my brain understood it so that
my heart could engage with it like I've joked before you know we did the
whole thing about Chip Dodd's book on The Voice of the Heart yes I read that
book and I threw it across the room I thought it was garbage I hated the book
I really did I told Chip that and then once I started doing the work around
that. I think the combination of doing the work around it but also having it explained to me
in a way that I could understand it actually made my head value which allowed my heart to
experience it. Yeah, that makes sense. And I'm really grateful for my brain that kept me safe all
those years and it did did a good job but I'm also really really grateful that it had capacity
to understand a different way and allow my heart to speak from time to time. So good.
I don't know if you're just frozen you just think so cool but i was thinking you said and you said schema earlier and i thought i don't even think i use that word so i doubt it but okay.
I like the year i'm gonna i'm gonna put a replay right now i had an askema in my mind of this is what counseling looks like okay i need it i like the year to be nice big words to me very short word well it sounds intelligent.
There you go. We were with some friends last weekend and we were talking and I so related to my friend who shared a story about
How he decided he didn't want to have feelings?
Because he looked at the lives of the people whose lives were run by feelings and thought I don't want to be like you
And that was my experience like people who had lots of feelings were at best spiritually or intellectually immature. I don't believe that
I did I totally believed that and judged it so I don't want to be like that
Like most of the people who are being emotional believe that now believe that absolutely believe that I was a huge judgment
Yeah, and probably because most of the people who are having a meltdown were because they're having big feelings about it
You know and if they just get their act together, then they wouldn't feel that thing and then they could just move on
Right, you know, so that was very robust thinking for me
And as one person in group therapy once said to me
"Oh, I bet that's made you really, really effective at work."
But probably kept you and everybody around you really, really lonely.

All right, number five.
Yeah.
I'm still learning this.
By the way, all these things, I haven't learned and they're in the past and now I've
met you at past them.
Right.
I still am learning them and revisiting them.
But number five would be, I did not know how much of your childhood story repeats itself
through your life.
Oh, wow.
Yeah.
we have the same in the inner healing world.
If your reaction to an event is far larger
than the event warrants, then the issue isn't the issue.
- Right. - Right.
- So if I say to you, if you say to me,
"Honey, can you pass the catch up?"
And I unreasonable, or if I just explode,
I'm like, "Did your own catch up?"
But I can't believe you'd ask me this.
Like the issue isn't about age you're asking me
to get the catch up.
The issue's about something different.
The issue's not the issue.
- Right, and so Chip says though.
- Well, Sage Hill would teach us that
When you have a reaction larger than the event
would warrant a reaction, you've gone home.
You've gone home, you've revisited your childhood story.
Again, going back to the Sage Hill training that we can,
where we got to explore a number of different models
for looking at how you've ended up,
the way you've ended up.

So how you grew up and what roles you played.
And so you can go Google this.
But there's the mascot, the lost child, the hidden child,
the enabler, the addict.
There's all roles in families.

And what I learned from doing that,
and being in therapy and in individual therapy
and in group therapy is, oh, I'm replaying the roles
I learned to excel at in childhood.
- Yeah.
- Can we go say something?
- I was just gonna say, yeah, I mean, my therapist
will often say to me, especially when I'm curious
about a reaction or whatever,
and I've just talked about a circumstance and he'll say,
and is that familiar to you?
You know, like--
- They're asking you to go home?
- Yeah, asking me to, right, to look at home.
- I remember one time I was in group therapy.
I think I've told the story before on the podcast,
but I remember I asked,
I kind of smarted off us against somebody.
And one of the group leaders rightly said,
"I don't know what you're feeling."
And I just dismissed this question,
like, "I'm not feeling anything."
Even though I just had a reaction to this guy,
and I'm trying to backpedal out of the eye
when I was reaction, no, I'm totally fine,
you know what I'm wrong.
And so, and then I'm like kind of fuming at the guy
that asked me, and so like, I go after him.
Oh yeah, well, what about this, and what about that?
And then the other guy comes in and is like,
"Amen, what are you feeling when you're asking
"so and so these questions?"
And, you know, I'm having really big feelings about this,
and I'm aware I'm having really big feelings,
and I'm feeling lots of shame
that I'm having these feelings without my permission.
And so I go away and I think about it,
and I come back the next week
and I have a confrontation for those two group leaders.
Because I felt like as I was going after one guy,
the other guy stopped me going after him.
And I'm like, you know,
what are you so scared about me going after him?
Yada yada yada.
And so as I'm retelling the story,
I can see all these confused faces
on the people in the group.

And they're like, Alan,
the events that you're describing happened.
like the conversations you're describing happened,
the reactions that you're saying
that these key players had did not happen.
And I realized those reactions were so real to me,
and I would swear on a stack of Bibles,
that's exactly what happened.
I haven't exaggerated a little bit,
like that's ever happened.
And yet I have to bear witness and recognize
that six people observed this dialogue
and none of them share the same experiences with me.
What's happened?
I've just gone home.
I've made one of them my father, one of them my mother,
and I'm replaying an experience.
- And the rest of them are your sisters.
- I'm replaying an experience from my childhood
and it says real.
And when we broke that down, I was like,
"I can't believe I'm doing that."
And it made me think, not only is that familiar,
but does that happen a lot?
And I'm like, that shows up in our relationship,
shows up at work, it shows up with friends,
and it shows up in group.
And the beauty of group is it's like this
kind of like little sandbox, so to speak,
where your childhood issues will just show up.
- Yes.
- No matter how hard you work out,
work against them showing up, they will.
- Sure, sure.
- And so I think one of the things that therapy
has given me is that awareness that even as a 47, 48,
how old am I?
- You're 47.
- 47 year old man, my childhood story is still playing out
and how helpful is it to A, know that and B,
address some of the things that keep you from going home.
- Yeah.
- Can I tell you another story?
- Yes.
- This is literally about going home.
- Okay.
- What would happen every time I would go home,
literally to my family of origin with you?
Do you remember? - Mm-hmm.
- What would happen?
- You would revert to like behavior,
I didn't recognize at all.
I'm like, what happened to the calm person
that I married to.
- I would just retreat, why?
- Yeah. - 'Cause it was my safest thing to do.
- It was what you did at your home.
- Was, would treat, so just the geographical cues,
the biological markers that smell of the fabric software
in my house would just, I would just retreat.
And similarly, when social circumstances are set up
that would mirror my family environment,
I'll play one of the roles.
Or historically it would.
Now I've got like different options.
- Yeah.
- So it's like, oh, that stuff is fascinating
and would not have known without therapy.
Yeah, it's amazing.
- So there you go, that was my five things.
I do wanna reiterate and be very, very clear
that therapy counseling is just one other tool
that God can use to ensure
that you get everything Jesus paid for.
We're still huge fans of RTF, of heart sync, of inner healing.
- Absolutely.
- All the umbrella that comes under it.
- Absolutely.
- That's something we still teach, still value,
we're still encouraged to get.
- Yes.
- But would also encourage you, if you need to,
and as your friend about it.
- Should we feel stuck?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Seek out a great counselor or therapist to help you.
- Yeah.
- All right.
AJ Jones.
- Yes.
- You ready for a listening question?
- I think so.
- Well, you don't know,
'cause I haven't read it to you yet.
- Right.
- Okay, my big complicated words like schema in it.
- Oh.
(laughs)
- All right, this is from Chris.
- Yes.
- All right.
And Chris says this,
"I've been through Finding Father once last year,
and I'm going through for the second time.
In the season, I have learned to soak
and enjoy the Father's presence.
We have a baby on the way.
So do we?
So now my question is, how do I maintain the walk and growth in the spirit
as the troubles and trials that people speak of will be coming?
Thanks.
Now, before you answer, can you explain to everybody what Finding Father is?
So Finding Father is the book that I wrote.
And the video course that we have.
That is a daily Bible study, a 12 week daily Bible study.
So first of all, Chris, while done going through the second time, that's so great.

Correct.
Um, we, that was not my experience with any of our three babies.
And I had, they were all preemie.
Well, I guess technically we managed to make
MJ go full term to the, you know, to the definition.
But, you know, we had a lot of things
that technically would be stacked against us.
And in terms of like, you know, being, being preemie,
or as preemie as they were.
And actually, I loved every, every season of them being little.
- Now do paint a realistic picture.
You're not saying that nothing will change in your life.
- No, oh no, everything is gonna, yeah.
I mean, for sure-- - Everything is gonna change.
- For sure, like, I remember when we got married,
I had a huge revelation of how selfish I am.

And then you realize, oh, it's still there.
So yeah, I mean, there was,
how your time is spent is different.
- But you wouldn't classify that as trials
tribulation and troubles. I would know. I would say that sort of normal growth.
Reframe that because you don't want that as an expectation. Yeah. Like we would
often have people say, you know, when we found out they're pregnant people be like,
Oh, well, you know, it's the last lie and you'll ever have for 17 years. Just like,
get rid of the negative expectations. Be understand yet your life is going to
change. But one of the best pieces of advice we ever got was from a friend of
Trish Boots, who said, "Kids will fit into your life if you'll let them."
Yeah.
With Abigail, we traveled all over the world preaching. Literally, by the time she turned
one, she'd been in 18 nations, been 106 flights. We were good. We were doing what we were called
to do, and Abi was good. She was loving it.
We dealt with private tribulations. We recognized your life will change.
Yeah, it will change.

But those are short seasons of that.
And so how do you like maintain like soaking
and things like that with a little one?
I think you take each day as it comes,
you give yourself lots of grace
and your baby is gonna be napping three or four times a day.
you could soak one of the times when they're napping.
You know what I mean?
- You're soaking my turn into sleeping real quick.
- But that's okay.

And then if the day sort of blows up,
which some days do blow up
because that's the nature of having a little one at home,
we'll then try again tomorrow.
But so my thing would be give yourself tons of grace,
realize that this season of lots of sleep-nesses
and stuff like that, that's pretty short.
And yeah, just ask the Holy Spirit for help
in how to accomplish what you wanna accomplish.
- Be kind to yourself.
And what you've got, the growth you've got is yours to keep
and you can always build on it.
And life is gonna look differently and that's okay.
- Yeah, I mean, I'm just thinking when I was single,
before we even were married.
When I was home, I would have regularly,
my God time was five to six hours a day.
I haven't had a season that looked like that again.
Now, you know, that was for a couple of years,
then we got married, then now somebody else is in your house,
so now it looks a little bit different,
and then babies come along,
and then it looks real different again.
And so just give yourself lots of grace
for when things change, the Holy Spirit has a plan
and ability to help you come up with a way of doing it.
But just be aware, extend yourself grace.
It's not a competition.
- Yeah, it makes me think that maybe you should make
Finding Father into an audio book
so people can listen to it as well as read it.
Because most of your reading is through audio books.
- That's true.
- Just thought of a project we could do this week.
- Oh, this week!
- Yeah, you ready to-- - Thanks for the week,
let's do it!
- Do you want to record Finding Father?
- No.
- All right, great question.
Thank you for saying that.
And if you want to ask us a question that we'll try and answer on the show, go to alanandagie.com/ask
and if people want show notes, go to alanandagie.com/262.
And if you want to stay up to date on our adoption journey, if you go to alanandagie.com/adopt,
you'll find information there, but you'll also find a signup where you can just sign
up to our email as the fastest way to know what's going on in that particular journey.
And finally, to become a member and join this elite group of impossibly good looking people,
incredibly suave, intelligent people with fantastic taste, go to<EMAIL_ADDRESS>to
learn all about the benefits and how you can become a member.
Yeah.


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This is an
OrdinaryMotif,
depending
on a consensus weight matrix to calculate raw scores.
Its identifying string is 'BWM'.
The actual matrix is defined by a multiparameter in a
parameter file in
Database.
It should consist of one line with the four base symbols, blank
separated, in the order employed in the matrix, followed by the matrix,
four weights per line, blank-separated.
The MOTIFSTRING field in
Motifs.txt is used
to specify the name of the defining file and the defining parameter,
separated by a colon.
The
hotspot is at the beginning of the base sequence.


W3 Cultural Blog
Having a concrete sequential thinking style, I knew I would relish a structured environment that I can't get from learning on my own. When teaching myself something new, I always needed a specific goal in mind. For example when I taught myself jQuery, I needed to work towards a web-based gallery template that I could reuse if the need arose. With DBC, the goals are already set for me with the established curriculum, so I know I can succeed in the technical part of the camp with my passion for software development.
One of the biggest challenges with concrete sequential thinking is working in groups. I can do that in face-to-face environments, but it's not as easy for me when working remotely since I tend to rely on other people reading my body language and seeing what I see without my helping them. Like I've said in reflections, it's something that I need to be conscious of during future pairing sessions. I don't think it'll be a long term problem as long as I keep at it.


--- layout: post date: 2010-07-08 time: "10:00:00" authors: ["Greg Wilson"] title: Two Episodes on Sets tags: ["Content"] ---
I've just posted an introduction to sets in Python, and a brief look at how they're implemented (which you need to know in order to understand why you can't put a list in a set). The second of these has more theory in it than most of our episodes; I'd be grateful for feedback from non-computer scientists about how much sense it makes.


The efficiency, in percent, of a power screw, when the friction of the collar is ignored, is
$$ e = 100\frac{\cos \alpha - \mu \tan \lambda}{\cos \alpha - \mu \cot \lambda}\% $$where \( \mu \) is the coefficient of friction, \( \lambda\) is the lead angle of the screw and \( \alpha \) is the thread angle.
Here, it is the plot of the efficiency as a function of \( \lambda \) for 0 \( \prec \lambda \prec \) 90º, \( \alpha \)= 7º, and \(\mu \)=0.02,0.1,0.2 and 0.3


Your browser or device doesn’t support Teachable Machine.
Learn more about Teachable Machine on the Homepage, or visit this site on desktop in Chrome or Safari.


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There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available, but the majority have suffered alteration in some form by injected humour randomised words believable.
There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the a majority have suffered alteration in that some form by injected humour or randomised words which don't look even slightly believable. If you are at going a to use a passage of Lorem Ipsum you need to be sure there isn't an anything embarrassing.
There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the majority have suffered alteration in that some form by injected humour or randomised words which don't look even slightly believable.
There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the majority have suffered alteration in that some form by injected humour or randomised words.
There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the a majority have suffered alteration in that some form by injected humour or randomised words which don't look even slightly believable. If you are at going a to use a passage of Lorem Ipsum you need to be sure there isn't an anything embarrassing.
There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the majority have suffered alteration in that some form by injected humour or randomised words which don't look even slightly believable.
There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the majority have suffered alteration in that some form by injected humour or randomised words.
There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the majority have that suffered alteration in that some form by injected humour or randomised words which don't look even slightly believable. If you are going a to use a passage. There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the majority have that suffered alteration in that some form by injected.
There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the majority have that suffered alteration in that some form by injected humour or randomised words which don't look even slightly believable. If you are going a to use a passage.
There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the majority have that suffered alteration in that some form by injected humour or randomised words which don't look even slightly believable. If you are going a to use a passage. There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the majority have that suffered alteration in that some form by injected.
There are many variations of passages of Lorem Ipsum available but the majority have that suffered alteration in that some form by injected humour or randomised words which don't look even slightly believable. If you are going a to use a passage.
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The explicit goal of swix is to allow easy conversion (and not easy developement) between a complicated signal processing algorithm and a mobile app. Converting from Python/Matlab to C was (and is) a pain. I would certainly like to see more mobile apps and hope this will help.
This function relies on NumPy and implements the most basic usage. If in doubt about a function, look at NumPy’s docs for a function of the same name; I tried to include links.
This library is optimized through the Accelerate framework in most cases. All operations and the important operations (well, the ones I used) are optimized through this framework. And luckily, examples exist in swix on how to call C functions.
For a speed comparison, in the real-world example I used I found that on the computer, this library was ~2-3x slower than Matlab. Going down to iOS resulted in another speed drop of ~10x, meaning iOS is very roughly 20-30 times slower than Matlab. Not bad for an underpowered mobile device!
Examples are perhaps the most useful aspect of documentation, so I’ve included some examples in Examples
There exist two versions of these docs. There is a mobile friendly version on readthedocs and another version on scottsievert.github.io/swix. The later is easier to maintain; the readthedocs version is probably outdated.


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| Furthermore then we beseech you, brethren, and exhort you by the Lord Jesus, that as ye have received of us how ye ought to walk and to please God, so ye would abound more and more.
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| ᎠᎴ ᎾᏍᏉ, ᎢᏓᎵᏅᏟ, ᎢᏨᏔᏲᏎᎭ, ᎠᎴ ᎢᏨᏍᏗᏰᏗᎭ, ᎤᎬᏫᏳᎯ ᏥᏌ ᏅᏗᎦᎵᏍᏙᏗᎭ, ᎾᏍᎩ Ꮎ ᏍᎩᏯᏛᎦᏁᎸᎯ ᏥᎩ ᎢᏣᏛᏁᏗᏱ ᎢᏤᏓᏍᏗᏱ ᎾᏍᎩ ᎣᏏᏳ ᎬᏩᏰᎸᏗ ᎨᏒ ᎤᏁᎳᏅᎯ, ᎾᏍᎩ ᏂᏣᏛᏁᎲ ᎧᏁᏉᏥᏎᏍᏗᏉ.
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A-le na-s-quo, i-da-li-nv-tli, i-tsv-ta-yo-se-ha, a-le i-tsv-s-di-ye-di-ha, U-gv-wi-yu-hi Tsi-sa nv-di-ga-li-s-do-di-ha, na-s-gi na s-gi-ya-dv-ga-ne-lv-hi tsi-gi i-tsa-dv-ne-di-yi i-tse-da-s-di-yi na-s-gi o-si-yu gv-wa-ye-lv-di ge-sv U-ne-la-nv-hi, na-s-gi ni-tsa-dv-ne-hv ka-ne-quo-tsi-se-s-di-quo.
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| For ye know what commandments we gave you by the Lord Jesus.
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| ᎢᏥᎦᏔᎭᏰᏃ ᏄᏍᏛ ᏕᏨᏲᎯᏎᎸ ᏗᎧᎿᎭᏩᏛᏍᏗ ᎤᎬᏫᏳᎯ ᏥᏌ ᎣᏏᏳ ᎤᏰᎸᏅᎯ ᎨᏒᎢ.
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I-tsi-ga-ta-ha-ye-no nu-s-dv de-tsv-yo-hi-se-lv di-ka-hna-wa-dv-s-di U-gv-wi-yu-hi Tsi-sa o-si-yu u-ye-lv-nv-hi ge-sv-i.
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| For this is the will of God, even your sanctification, that ye should abstain from fornication:
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| ᎯᎠᏰᏃ ᎾᏍᎩ ᏄᏍᏗ ᎤᏁᎳᏅᎯ ᎠᏓᏅᏖᏍᎬᎢ, ᏗᏣᏓᏅᎦᎸᏛ ᎢᏣᎵᏍᏙᏗᏱ, ᎾᏍᎩ ᏗᏥᏲᎯᏍᏗᏱ ᎤᏕᎵᏛ ᏗᏂᏏᏗ ᎨᏒᎢ;
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Hi-a-ye-no na-s-gi nu-s-di U-ne-la-nv-hi a-da-nv-te-s-gv-i, di-tsa-da-nv-ga-lv-dv i-tsa-li-s-do-di-yi, na-s-gi di-tsi-yo-hi-s-di-yi u-de-li-dv di-ni-si-di ge-sv-i;
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| That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in sanctification and honour;
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| ᎾᏍᎩ ᏂᏥᎥ ᎢᏥᏏᏴᏫᎭ ᏱᏥᎦᏔᎭ ᎢᏣᏛᏁᏗᏱ ᎢᏥᏍᏆᏂᎪᏙᏗᏱ ᎢᏥᏰᎸᎢ ᎤᏓᏅᎦᎸᏛ ᎨᏒ ᎠᎴ ᎦᎸᏉᏗᏳ ᎨᏒᎢ;
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Na-s-gi ni-tsi-v i-tsi-si-yv-wi-ha yi-tsi-ga-ta-ha i-tsa-dv-ne-di-yi i-tsi-s-qua-ni-go-do-di-yi i-tsi-ye-lv-i u-da-nv-ga-lv-dv ge-sv a-le ga-lv-quo-di-yu ge-sv-i;
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| Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God:
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| ᎥᏝᏃ ᎢᏤᎳᏲᎯᏍᏗ ᎨᏒᎢ, ᎾᏍᎩᏯ ᎾᎾᏛᏁᎲ ᏧᎾᏓᎴᏅᏛ ᏴᏫ ᎤᏁᎳᏅᎯ ᎾᏂᎦᏔᎲᎾ ᏥᎩ;
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V-tla-no i-tse-la-yo-hi-s-di ge-sv-i, na-s-gi-ya na-na-dv-ne-hv tsu-na-da-le-nv-dv yv-wi U-ne-la-nv-hi na-ni-ga-ta-hv-na tsi-gi;
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| That no man go beyond and defraud his brother in any matter: because that the Lord is the avenger of all such, as we also have forewarned you and testified.
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| ᎾᏍᎩ ᎩᎶ ᎤᎶᏒᏍᏓᏁᏗᏱ ᎠᎴ ᎤᎶᏄᎮᏗᏱ ᏂᎨᏒᎾ ᎠᎾᎵᏅᏟ ᏥᏂᎦᎥᏉ ᎪᎱᏍᏗ ᎤᎬᏩᎵ; ᎤᎬᏫᏳᎯᏰᏃ ᏗᏞᏤᎯ ᎯᎠ ᎾᏍᎩ ᎾᎦᎥ ᏧᏓᎴᏅᏛ, ᎾᏍᎩ ᎦᏳᎳ ᎢᏨᏃᏁᎸᎯ ᎠᎴ ᎢᏨᏲᎢᏳᏓᏁᎸᎯ ᏥᎩ.
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Na-s-gi gi-lo u-lo-sv-s-da-ne-di-yi a-le u-lo-nu-he-di-yi ni-ge-sv-na a-na-li-nv-tli tsi-ni-ga-v-quo go-hu-s-di u-gv-wa-li; U-gv-wi-yu-hi-ye-no di-tle-tse-hi hi-a na-s-gi na-ga-v tsu-da-le-nv-dv, na-s-gi ga-yu-la i-tsv-no-ne-lv-hi a-le i-tsv-yo-i-yu-da-ne-lv-hi tsi-gi.
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| For God hath not called us unto uncleanness, but unto holiness.
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| ᎤᏁᎳᏅᎯᏰᏃ ᎥᏝ ᏱᎩᏯᏅᎲ ᎦᏓᎭ ᎢᎦᎵᏍᏙᏗᏱ ᎢᎦᏓᏅᎦᎸᏛᏍᎩᏂ ᎢᎦᎵᏍᏙᏗᏱ.
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U-ne-la-nv-hi-ye-no v-tla yi-gi-ya-nv-hv ga-da-ha i-ga-li-s-do-di-yi i-ga-da-nv-ga-lv-dv-s-gi-ni i-ga-li-s-do-di-yi.
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| He therefore that despiseth, despiseth not man, but God, who hath also given unto us his holy Spirit.
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| ᎾᏍᎩ ᎢᏳᏍᏗ ᎩᎶ ᎠᏓᏂᏉᏘᎯ, ᎥᏝ ᏴᏫ ᏱᎦᏂᏆᏘᎭ, ᎤᏁᎳᏅᎯᏍᎩᏂ, ᎾᏍᎩ ᎾᏍᏉ ᎤᏤᎵ ᎦᎸᏉᏗᏳ ᎠᏓᏅᏙ ᎢᎩᏁᎸᎯ ᏥᎩ.
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Na-s-gi i-yu-s-di gi-lo a-da-ni-quo-ti-hi, v-tla yv-wi yi-ga-ni-qua-ti-ha, U-ne-la-nv-hi-s-gi-ni, na-s-gi na-s-quo u-tse-li Ga-lv-quo-di-yu A-da-nv-do i-gi-ne-lv-hi tsi-gi.
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| But as touching brotherly love ye need not that I write unto you: for ye yourselves are taught of God to love one another.
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| Ꭰ-ᏍᎩᏂ ᎠᎾᎵᏅᏟ ᏧᎾᏓᎨᏳᏗ ᎨᏒ ᎤᎬᏩᎵ ᎥᏝ ᎤᏚᎸᏗ ᏱᏂᏣᎵᏍᏓᏁᎭ ᏫᏨᏲᏪᎳᏁᏗᏱ; ᎢᏨᏒᏰᏃ ᎤᏁᎳᏅᎯ ᎢᏤᏲᏅᎯ ᎢᎩ ᏗᏣᏓᎨᏳᏗᏱ.
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A--s-gi-ni a-na-li-nv-tli tsu-na-da-ge-yu-di ge-sv u-gv-wa-li v-tla u-du-lv-di yi-ni-tsa-li-s-da-ne-ha wi-tsv-yo-we-la-ne-di-yi; i-tsv-sv-ye-no U-ne-la-nv-hi i-tse-yo-nv-hi i-gi di-tsa-da-ge-yu-di-yi.
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| And indeed ye do it toward all the brethren which are in all Macedonia: but we beseech you, brethren, that ye increase more and more;
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| ᎤᏙᎯᏳᎯᏰᏃ ᎾᏍᎩ ᏂᏣᏛᏁᎭ ᎾᏂᎥ ᏕᏥᎨᏳᎭ ᎠᎾᎵᏅᏟ ᎹᏏᏙᏂ ᎠᏁᎯ; ᎠᏎᏃ ᎢᏨᏍᏗᏰᏗᎭ, ᎢᏓᎵᏅᏟ, ᎢᏥᏁᏉᎢᏍᏗᏱ ᎤᏟᎯᏳ ᎢᎦᎢ;
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U-do-hi-yu-hi-ye-no na-s-gi ni-tsa-dv-ne-ha na-ni-v de-tsi-ge-yu-ha a-na-li-nv-tli Ma-si-do-ni a-ne-hi; a-se-no i-tsv-s-di-ye-di-ha, i-da-li-nv-tli, i-tsi-ne-quo-i-s-di-yi u-tli-hi-yu i-ga-i;
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| And that ye study to be quiet, and to do your own business, and to work with your own hands, as we commanded you;
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| ᎠᎴ ᎢᏣᏟᏂᎬᏁᏗᏱ ᏅᏩᏙᎯᏯᏛ ᎢᏣᏕᏗᏱ, ᎠᎴ ᎢᏨᏒ ᎢᏣᏤᎵ ᏗᎦᎸᏫᏍᏓᏁᏗ ᏗᏥᎸᏫᏍᏓᏁᏗᏱ, ᎠᎴ ᎢᏨᏒ ᏗᏦᏰᏂ ᏗᏨᏙᏗᏱ ᎪᎱᏍᏗ ᎢᏣᏛᏁᏗᏱ, ᎾᏍᎩᏯ ᏂᏨᏪᏎᎸᎢ;
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A-le i-tsa-tli-ni-gv-ne-di-yi nv-wa-do-hi-ya-dv i-tsa-de-di-yi, a-le i-tsv-sv i-tsa-tse-li di-ga-lv-wi-s-da-ne-di di-tsi-lv-wi-s-da-ne-di-yi, a-le i-tsv-sv di-tso-ye-ni di-tsv-do-di-yi go-hu-s-di i-tsa-dv-ne-di-yi, na-s-gi-ya ni-tsv-we-se-lv-i;
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| That ye may walk honestly toward them that are without, and that ye may have lack of nothing.
|
|---|
| ᎾᏍᎩ ᎣᏏ ᎬᏰᎸᏗ ᎨᏥᏓᏍᏗ ᏱᎩ ᎠᏂᎦᏔᎲ ᎾᏍᎩ ᎠᏁᎳ ᏂᎨᏒᎾ, ᎠᎴ ᎪᎱᏍᏗ ᏂᏥᏂᎬᏎᎲᎾ ᏱᎩ.
|
|---|
Na-s-gi o-si gv-ye-lv-di ge-tsi-da-s-di yi-gi a-ni-ga-ta-hv na-s-gi a-ne-la ni-ge-sv-na, a-le go-hu-s-di ni-tsi-ni-gv-se-hv-na yi-gi.
|
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|
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| But I would not have you to be ignorant, brethren, concerning them which are asleep, that ye sorrow not, even as others which have no hope.
|
|---|
| ᎠᏎᏃ, ᎢᏓᎵᏅᏟ, ᎥᏝ ᎾᏂᎦᏔᎥᎾᏉ ᎨᏎᏍᏗ ᏱᏨᏰᎵᏎᎭ ᎾᏍᎩ Ꮎ ᎤᏂᎵᏅᏨᎯ ᎤᎬᏩᎵ, ᎾᏍᎩ ᎤᏲ ᎢᏣᏓᏅᏓᏗᏍᏗᏱ ᏂᎨᏒᎾ ᎾᏍᎩ ᏅᏩᎾᏓᎴ ᎤᏚᎩ ᏄᏅᏒᎾ ᎾᏍᎩᏯ ᏄᎾᏍᏛᎢ.
|
|---|
A-se-no, i-da-li-nv-tli, v-tla na-ni-ga-ta-v-na-quo ge-se-s-di yi-tsv-ye-li-se-ha na-s-gi na u-ni-li-nv-tsv-hi u-gv-wa-li, na-s-gi u-yo i-tsa-da-nv-da-di-s-di-yi ni-ge-sv-na na-s-gi nv-wa-na-da-le u-du-gi nu-nv-sv-na na-s-gi-ya nu-na-s-dv-i.
|
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|
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| For if we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so them also which sleep in Jesus will God bring with him.
|
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| ᎢᏳᏰᏃ ᏱᏙᎯᏳᎲᏍᎦ ᏥᏌ ᎤᏲᎱᏒᎢ, ᎠᎴ ᏚᎴᎯᏌᏅᎢ, ᎾᏍᎩᏯ ᎾᏍᏉ ᎾᏍᎩ Ꮎ ᏥᏌ ᎤᎾᎵᏍᎦᏍᏙᏔᏅᎯ ᎤᏂᎵᏅᏨᎯ ᎤᏁᎳᏅᎯ ᏧᏘᏃᎯᏍᏗ ᎨᏎᏍᏗ ᏥᏌ ᎦᎷᏨᎭ.
|
|---|
I-yu-ye-no yi-do-hi-yu-hv-s-ga Tsi-sa u-yo-hu-sv-i, a-le du-le-hi-sa-nv-i, na-s-gi-ya na-s-quo na-s-gi na Tsi-sa u-na-li-s-ga-s-do-ta-nv-hi u-ni-li-nv-tsv-hi U-ne-la-nv-hi tsu-ti-no-hi-s-di ge-se-s-di tsi-sa ga-lu-tsv-ha.
|
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|
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| For this we say unto you by the word of the Lord, that we which are alive and remain unto the coming of the Lord shall not prevent them which are asleep.
|
|---|
| ᎯᎠᏰᏃ ᏂᏨᏪᏎᎭ ᎣᏨᏗᎭ ᎤᎬᏫᏳᎯ ᎤᏁᏨᎢ, ᎾᏍᎩ ᎠᏴ ᏗᏛᏃᏛ ᎠᎴ ᎢᏓᎴᏂᏙᎯ ᎤᎬᏫᏳᎯ ᎦᎷᏨ ᎢᏳᎢ ᎥᏝ ᏱᏙᎨᏗᎪᏅ ᎾᏍᎩ Ꮎ ᎤᏂᎵᏅᏨᎯ.
|
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Hi-a-ye-no ni-tsv-we-se-ha o-tsv-di-ha U-gv-wi-yu-hi u-ne-tsv-i, na-s-gi a-yv di-dv-no-dv a-le i-da-le-ni-do-hi U-gv-wi-yu-hi ga-lu-tsv i-yu-i v-tla yi-do-ge-di-go-nv na-s-gi na u-ni-li-nv-tsv-hi.
|
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|
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| For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first:
|
|---|
| ᎤᎬᏫᏳᎯᏰᏃ ᎤᏩᏒ ᏛᏠᎠᏏᎵ ᎦᎸᎳᏗ ᏅᏓᏳᎶᏒᎯ ᎤᎵᏠᏯᏍᏕᏍᏗ ᎤᏁᎷᎬᎢ, ᎠᎴ ᏄᎬᏫᏳᏒ ᏗᎧᎿᎭᏩᏗᏙᎯ ᎧᏁᎬᎢ, ᎠᎴ ᎠᏤᎷᎩ ᎤᏁᎳᏅᎯ ᎤᏤᎵᎦ ᎤᏃᏴᎬᎢ; ᏧᏂᏲᎱᏒᎯᏃ ᎦᎶᏁᏛ ᎤᎾᎵᏍᎦᏙᏔᏅᎯ ᎢᎬᏱ ᏙᏛᎾᎴᏂ;
|
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U-gv-wi-yu-hi-ye-no u-wa-sv dv-tlo-a-si-li ga-lv-la-di nv-da-yu-lo-sv-hi u-li-tlo-ya-s-de-s-di u-ne-lu-gv-i, a-le nu-gv-wi-yu-sv di-ka-hna-wa-di-do-hi ka-ne-gv-i, a-le a-tse-lu-gi U-ne-la-nv-hi u-tse-li-ga u-no-yv-gv-i; tsu-ni-yo-hu-sv-hi-no Ga-lo-ne-dv u-na-li-s-ga-do-ta-nv-hi i-gv-yi do-dv-na-le-ni;
|
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|
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| Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord.
|
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| ᎿᎭᏉᏃ ᎠᏴ ᏗᏛᏃᏛ ᎠᎴ ᎢᏓᎴᏂᏙᎯ ᎾᏍᎩ ᎢᏧᎳᎭ ᎡᎦᏘᎾᏫᏛᏗ ᎨᏎᏍᏗ ᎤᎶᎩᎸᎢ, ᏫᏕᏓᏠᎢᏍᏗᏱ ᎤᎬᏫᏳᎯ ᎦᎸᎶᎢ; ᎾᏍᎩᏃ ᏂᎪᎯᎸ ᎤᎬᏫᏳᎯ ᎢᏧᎳᎭ ᏫᏕᎮᏍᏗ.
|
|---|
Hna-quo-no a-yv di-dv-no-dv a-le i-da-le-ni-do-hi na-s-gi i-tsu-la-ha e-ga-ti-na-wi-dv-di ge-se-s-di u-lo-gi-lv-i, wi-de-da-tlo-i-s-di-yi U-gv-wi-yu-hi ga-lv-lo-i; na-s-gi-no ni-go-hi-lv U-gv-wi-yu-hi i-tsu-la-ha wi-de-he-s-di.
|
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|
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| Wherefore comfort one another with these words.
|
|---|
| ᎾᏍᎩ ᎢᏳᏍᏗ ᏕᏣᏓᎦᎵᏍᏓᏗᏍᏗᏍᎨᏍᏗ ᎯᎠ ᎾᏍᎩ ᏥᏕᏣᏓᏪᏎᎲᎢ.
|
|---|
Na-s-gi i-yu-s-di de-tsa-da-ga-li-s-da-di-s-di-s-ge-s-di hi-a na-s-gi tsi-de-tsa-da-we-se-hv-i.
|
|---|


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module Real: Owl_sparse_real
type
spmat
Type of sparse matrices. It is defined in types.ml
as record type.
Create sparse matrices
val zeros : int -> int -> spmat
zeros m n
creates an m
by n
matrix where all the elements are zeros.
This operation is very fast since it only allocates a small amount of memory.
The memory will grow automatically as more elements are inserted.
val ones : int -> int -> spmat
ones m n
creates an m
by n
matrix where all the elements are ones.
This operation can be very slow if matrix size is big. You might consider to
use dense matrix for better performance in this case.
val eye : int -> spmat
eye m
creates an m
by m
identity matrix.
val binary : int -> int -> spmat
binary m n
creates an m
by n
random matrix where 10% ~ 15% elements are 1.
val uniform : ?scale:float -> int -> int -> spmat
uniform m n
creates an m
by n
matrix where 10% ~ 15% elements
follow a uniform distribution in (0,1)
interval. uniform ~scale:a m n
adjusts the interval to (0,a)
.
val uniform_int : ?a:int -> ?b:int -> int -> int -> spmat
uniform ~a ~b m n
creates an m
by n
matrix where 10% ~ 15% elements
follow a uniform distribution in [a, b]
interval. By default, a = 0
and
b = 100
.
val linspace : float -> float -> int -> spmat
linspace a b n
linearly divides the interval [a,b]
into n
pieces by
creating an m
by 1
row vector. E.g., linspace 0. 5. 5
will create a
row vector [0;1;2;3;4;5]
.
Obtain the basic properties of a matrix
val shape : spmat -> int * int
If x
is an m
by n
matrix, shape x
returns (m,n)
, i.e., the size
of two dimensions of x
.
val row_num : spmat -> int
row_num x
returns the number of rows in matrix x
.
val col_num : spmat -> int
col_num x
returns the number of columns in matrix x
.
val row_num_nz : spmat -> int
row_num_nz x
returns the number of non-zero rows in matrix x
.
val col_num_nz : spmat -> int
col_num_nz x
returns the number of non-zero columns in matrix x
.
val numel : spmat -> int
numel x
returns the number of elements in matrix x
. It is equivalent
to (row_num x) * (col_num x)
.
val nnz : spmat -> int
nnz x
returns the number of non-zero elements in matrix x
.
val nnz_rows : spmat -> int array
nnz_rows x
returns the number of non-zero rows in matrix x
. A non-zero
row means there is at least one non-zero element in that row.
val nnz_cols : spmat -> int array
nnz_cols x
returns the number of non-zero cols in matrix x
.
val density : spmat -> float
density x
returns the density of non-zero element. This operation is
equivalent to nnz x
divided by numel x
.
Manipulate a matrix
val get : spmat -> int -> int -> float
get x i j
returns the value of element (i,j)
of x
.
val set : spmat -> int -> int -> float -> unit
set x i j a
sets the element (i,j)
of x
to value a
.
val reset : spmat -> unit
reset x
resets all the elements in x
to 0
.
val clone : spmat -> spmat
clone x
makes an exact copy of matrix x
. Note that the clone becomes
mutable no matter w
is mutable or not. This is expecially useful if you
want to modify certain elements in an immutable matrix from math operations.
val transpose : spmat -> spmat
transpose x
transposes an m
by n
matrix to n
by m
one.
val diag : spmat -> spmat
diag x
returns the diagonal elements of x
.
val trace : spmat -> float
trace x
returns the sum of diagonal elements in x
.
val row : spmat -> int -> spmat
row x i
returns the row i
of x
.
val col : spmat -> int -> spmat
col x j
returns the column j
of x
.
val rows : spmat -> int array -> spmat
rows x a
returns the rows (defined in an int array a
) of x
. The
returned rows will be combined into a new sparse matrix. The order of rows in
the new matrix is the same as that in the array a
.
val cols : spmat -> int array -> spmat
Similar to rows
, cols x a
returns the columns (specified in array a
)
of x in a new sparse matrix.
Iterate elements, columns, and rows
val iteri : (int -> int -> float -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
iteri f x
iterates all the elements in x
and applies the user defined
function f : int -> int -> float -> 'a
. f i j v
takes three parameters,
i
and j
are the coordinates of current element, and v
is its value.
val iter : (float -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
iter f x
is the same as as iteri f x
except the coordinates of the
current element is not passed to the function f : float -> 'a
val mapi : (int -> int -> float -> float) ->
spmat -> spmat
mapi f x
maps each element in x
to a new value by applying
f : int -> int -> float -> float
. The first two parameters are the
coordinates of the element, and the third parameter is the value.
val map : (float -> float) -> spmat -> spmat
map f x
is similar to mapi f x
except the coordinates of the
current element is not passed to the function f : float -> float
val fold : ('a -> float -> 'a) -> 'a -> spmat -> 'a
fold f a x
folds all the elements in x
with the function
f : 'a -> float -> 'a
. For an m
by n
matrix x
, the order of folding
is from (0,0)
to (m-1,n-1)
, row by row.
val filteri : (int -> int -> float -> bool) -> spmat -> (int * int) array
filteri f x
uses f : int -> int -> float -> bool
to filter out certain
elements in x
. An element will be included if f
returns true
. The
returned result is a list of coordinates of the selected elements.
val filter : (float -> bool) -> spmat -> (int * int) array
Similar to filteri
, but the coordinates of the elements are not passed to
the function f : float -> bool
.
val iteri_rows : (int -> spmat -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
iteri_rows f x
iterates every row in x
and applies function
f : int -> spmat -> unit
to each of them.
val iter_rows : (spmat -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
Similar to iteri_rows
except row number is not passed to f
.
val iteri_cols : (int -> spmat -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
iteri_cols f x
iterates every column in x
and applies function
f : int -> spmat -> unit
to each of them. Column number is passed to f
as
the first parameter.
val iter_cols : (spmat -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
Similar to iteri_cols
except col number is not passed to f
.
val mapi_rows : (int -> spmat -> 'a) -> spmat -> 'a array
mapi_rows f x
maps every row in x
to a type 'a
value by applying
function f : int -> spmat -> 'a
to each of them. The results is an array of
all the returned values.
val map_rows : (spmat -> 'a) -> spmat -> 'a array
Similar to mapi_rows
except row number is not passed to f
.
val mapi_cols : (int -> spmat -> 'a) -> spmat -> 'a array
mapi_cols f x
maps every column in x
to a type 'a
value by applying
function f : int -> spmat -> 'a
.
val map_cols : (spmat -> 'a) -> spmat -> 'a array
Similar to mapi_cols
except column number is not passed to f
.
val fold_rows : ('a -> spmat -> 'a) -> 'a -> spmat -> 'a
fold_rows f a x
folds all the rows in x
using function f
. The order
of folding is from the first row to the last one.
val fold_cols : ('a -> spmat -> 'a) -> 'a -> spmat -> 'a
fold_cols f a x
folds all the columns in x
using function f
. The
order of folding is from the first column to the last one.
val iteri_nz : (int -> int -> float -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
iteri_nz f x
iterates all the non-zero elements in x
by applying the
function f : int -> int -> float -> 'a
. It is much faster than iteri
.
val iter_nz : (float -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
Similar to iter_nz
except the coordinates of elements are not passed to f
.
val mapi_nz : (int -> int -> float -> float) ->
spmat -> spmat
mapi_nz f x
is similar to mapi f x
but only applies f
to non-zero
elements in x
. The zeros in x
will remain the same in the new matrix.
val map_nz : (float -> float) -> spmat -> spmat
Similar to mapi_nz
except the coordinates of elements are not passed to f
.
val fold_nz : ('a -> float -> 'a) -> 'a -> spmat -> 'a
fold_nz f a x
is similar to fold f a x
but only applies to non-zero
rows in x
. zero rows will be simply skipped in folding.
val filteri_nz : (int -> int -> float -> bool) -> spmat -> (int * int) array
filteri_nz f x
is similar to filter f x
but only applies f
to
non-zero elements in x
.
val filter_nz : (float -> bool) -> spmat -> (int * int) array
filter_nz f x
is similar to filteri_nz
except that the coordinates of
matrix elements are not passed to f
.
val iteri_rows_nz : (int -> spmat -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
iteri_rows_nz f x
is similar to iteri_rows
but only applies f
to
non-zero rows in x
.
val iter_rows_nz : (spmat -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
Similar to iteri_rows_nz
except that row numbers are not passed to f
.
val iteri_cols_nz : (int -> spmat -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
iteri_cols_nz f x
is similar to iteri_cols
but only applies f
to
non-zero columns in x
.
val iter_cols_nz : (spmat -> unit) -> spmat -> unit
Similar to iteri_cols_nz
except that column numbers are not passed to f
.
val mapi_rows_nz : (int -> spmat -> 'a) -> spmat -> 'a array
mapi_rows_nz f x
applies f
only to the non-zero rows in x
.
val map_rows_nz : (spmat -> 'a) -> spmat -> 'a array
Similar to mapi_rows_nz
, but row numbers are not passed to f
.
val mapi_cols_nz : (int -> spmat -> 'a) -> spmat -> 'a array
mapi_cols_nz f x
applies f
only to the non-zero columns in x
.
val map_cols_nz : (spmat -> 'a) -> spmat -> 'a array
Similar to mapi_cols_nz
, but columns numbers are not passed to f
.
val fold_rows_nz : ('a -> spmat -> 'a) -> 'a -> spmat -> 'a
fold_rows_nz f a x
is similar to fold_rows
but only folds non-zero
rows in x
using function f
. Zero rows will be dropped in iterating x
.
val fold_cols_nz : ('a -> spmat -> 'a) -> 'a -> spmat -> 'a
fold_cols_nz f a x
is similar to fold_cols
but only folds non-zero
columns in x
using function f
. Zero columns will be dropped in iterating x
.
Examine the elements in a matrix
val exists : (float -> bool) -> spmat -> bool
exists f x
checks all the elements in x
using f
. If at least one
element satisfies f
then the function returns true
otherwise false
.
val not_exists : (float -> bool) -> spmat -> bool
not_exists f x
checks all the elements in x
, the function returns
true
only if all the elements fail to satisfy f : float -> bool
.
val for_all : (float -> bool) -> spmat -> bool
for_all f x
checks all the elements in x
, the function returns true
if and only if all the elements pass the check of function f
.
val exists_nz : (float -> bool) -> spmat -> bool
exists_nz f x
is similar to exists
but only checks non-zero elements.
val not_exists_nz : (float -> bool) -> spmat -> bool
not_exists_nz f x
is similar to not_exists
but only checks non-zero elements.
val for_all_nz : (float -> bool) -> spmat -> bool
for_all_nz f x
is similar to for_all_nz
but only checks non-zero elements.
Basic mathematical operations of matrices
val mul_scalar : spmat -> float -> spmat
mul_scalar x a
multiplies every element in x
by a constant factor a
.
val div_scalar : spmat -> float -> spmat
div_scalar x a
divides every element in x
by a constant factor a
.
val add : spmat -> spmat -> spmat
add x y
adds two matrices x
and y
. Both must have the same dimensions.
val sub : spmat -> spmat -> spmat
sub x y
subtracts the matrix x
from y
. Both must have the same dimensions.
val mul : spmat -> spmat -> spmat
mul x y
performs an element-wise multiplication, so both x
and y
must have the same dimensions.
val div : spmat -> spmat -> spmat
div x y
performs an element-wise division, so both x
and y
must have the same dimensions.
val dot : spmat -> spmat -> spmat
dot x y
calculates the dot product of an m
by n
matrix x
and
another n
by p
matrix y
.
val abs : spmat -> spmat
abs x
returns a new matrix where each element has the absolute value of
that in the original matrix x
.
val neg : spmat -> spmat
neg x
returns a new matrix where each element has the negative value of
that in the original matrix x
.
val sum : spmat -> float
sum x
returns the summation of all the elements in x
.
val average : spmat -> float
average x
returns the average value of all the elements in x
. It is
equivalent to calculate sum x
divided by numel x
val power : spmat -> float -> spmat
power x a
calculates the power of a
of each element in x
.
val is_zero : spmat -> bool
is_zero x
returns true
if all the elements in x
are zeros.
val is_positive : spmat -> bool
is_positive x
returns true
if all the elements in x
are positive.
val is_negative : spmat -> bool
is_negative x
returns true
if all the elements in x
are negative.
val is_nonnegative : spmat -> bool
is_nonnegative
returns true
if all the elements in x
are non-negative.
val min : spmat -> float
min x
returns the minimum value of all elements in x
.
val max : spmat -> float
max x
returns the maximum value of all elements in x
.
val minmax : spmat -> float * float
minmax x
returns both the minimum and minimum values in x
.
val sum_rows : spmat -> spmat
sum_rows x
returns the summation of all the row vectors in x
.
val sum_cols : spmat -> spmat
sum_cols
returns the summation of all the column vectors in x
.
val average_rows : spmat -> spmat
average_rows x
returns the average value of all row vectors in x
. It is
equivalent to div_scalar (sum_rows x) (float_of_int (row_num x))
.
val average_cols : spmat -> spmat
average_cols x
returns the average value of all column vectors in x
.
It is equivalent to div_scalar (sum_cols x) (float_of_int (col_num x))
.
Compare two matrices
val is_equal : spmat -> spmat -> bool
is_equal x y
returns true
if two matrices x
and y
are equal.
val is_unequal : spmat -> spmat -> bool
is_unequal x y
returns true
if there is at least one element in x
is
not equal to that in y
.
val is_greater : spmat -> spmat -> bool
is_greater x y
returns true
if all the elements in x
are greater than
the corresponding elements in y
.
val is_smaller : spmat -> spmat -> bool
is_smaller x y
returns true
if all the elements in x
are smaller than
the corresponding elements in y
.
val equal_or_greater : spmat -> spmat -> bool
equal_or_greater x y
returns true
if all the elements in x
are not
smaller than the corresponding elements in y
.
val equal_or_smaller : spmat -> spmat -> bool
equal_or_smaller x y
returns true
if all the elements in x
are not
greater than the corresponding elements in y
.
Randomisation functions
val permutation_matrix : int -> spmat
permutation_matrix m
returns an m
by m
permutation matrix.
val draw_rows : ?replacement:bool ->
spmat -> int -> spmat * int array
draw_rows x m
draws m
rows randomly from x
. The row indices are also
returned in an int array along with the selected rows. The parameter
replacement
indicates whether the drawing is by replacement or not.
val draw_cols : ?replacement:bool ->
spmat -> int -> spmat * int array
draw_cols x m
draws m
cols randomly from x
. The column indices are
also returned in an int array along with the selected columns. The parameter
replacement
indicates whether the drawing is by replacement or not.
val shuffle_rows : spmat -> spmat
shuffle_rows x
shuffles all the rows in matrix x
.
val shuffle_cols : spmat -> spmat
shuffle_cols x
shuffles all the columns in matrix x
.
val shuffle : spmat -> spmat
shuffle x
shuffles all the elements in x
by first shuffling along the
rows then shuffling along columns. It is equivalent to shuffle_cols (shuffle_rows x)
.
val to_dense : spmat -> Owl_dense_real.mat
to_dense x
converts x
into a dense matrix.
val of_dense : Owl_dense_real.mat -> spmat
of_dense x
returns a sparse matrix from the dense matrix x
.
val print : spmat -> unit
print x
pretty prints matrix x
without headings.
val pp_spmat : spmat -> unit
pp_spmat x
pretty prints matrix x
with headings. Toplevel uses this
function to print out the matrices.
val save : spmat -> string -> unit
save x f
saves the matrix x
to a file with the name f
. The format
is binary by using Marshal
module to serialise the matrix.
val load : string -> spmat
load f
loads a sparse matrix from file f
. The file must be previously
saved by using save
function.
Shorhand infix operators
val (+@) : spmat -> spmat -> spmat
Shorthand for add x y
, i.e., x +@ y
val (-@) : spmat -> spmat -> spmat
Shorthand for sub x y
, i.e., x -@ y
val ( *@ ) : spmat -> spmat -> spmat
Shorthand for mul x y
, i.e., x *@ y
val (/@) : spmat -> spmat -> spmat
Shorthand for div x y
, i.e., x /@ y
val ($@) : spmat -> spmat -> spmat
Shorthand for dot x y
, i.e., x $@ y
val ( **@ ) : spmat -> float -> spmat
Shorthand for power x a
, i.e., x **@ a
val ( *$ ) : spmat -> float -> spmat
Shorthand for mul_scalar x a
, i.e., x *$ a
val (/$) : spmat -> float -> spmat
Shorthand for div_scalar x a
, i.e., x /$ a
val ( $* ) : float -> spmat -> spmat
Shorthand for mul_scalar x a
, i.e., x $* a
val ($/) : float -> spmat -> spmat
Shorthand for div_scalar x a
, i.e., x $/ a
val (=@) : spmat -> spmat -> bool
Shorthand for is_equal x y
, i.e., x =@ y
val (>@) : spmat -> spmat -> bool
Shorthand for is_greater x y
, i.e., x >@ y
val (<@) : spmat -> spmat -> bool
Shorthand for is_smaller x y
, i.e., x <@ y
val (<>@) : spmat -> spmat -> bool
Shorthand for is_unequal x y
, i.e., x <>@ y
val (>=@) : spmat -> spmat -> bool
Shorthand for equal_or_greater x y
, i.e., x >=@ y
val (<=@) : spmat -> spmat -> bool
Shorthand for equal_or_smaller x y
, i.e., x <=@ y
val (@@) : (float -> float) -> spmat -> spmat
Shorthand for map f x
, i.e., f @@ x


Pure White Unicorn:
The unicorn seems to be feeling better, although it still looks a bit weak and faltering. For some reason, when I caress it, the familiar face of a blonde woman comes to mind...
Quest


The Yellow Lady Slipper grows in wooded areas and blooms in June each year. The flower is a member of the orchid family.
Enjoy wild plants in their native surroundings. Protect their environment in all possible ways — support organizations dedicated to preserving their habitat.


This 2GB HD Texture Pack for the first Unreal game improves over 2000 textures
by John PapadopoulosModder ‘AHaigh01’ released a must-have HD Texture Pack for the first Unreal game. Unreal HD Textures 2.0 is 2GB in size and improves over 2000 textures. According to the modder, the texture pack is mainly for the single-player campaign of Unreal.though it also works with Unreal Tournament.
Furthermore, this release does not intend to cover all of UT99s textures; it only covers the same textures that are used for both Unreal and Unreal Tournament.
In order to showcase these new textures, AHaigh01 released the following screenshots and video. As such, you can go ahead and see the visual improvements/differences prior to installing the HD Texture Pack.
As a bonus, I’ve also included a link to the Unreal HD High-Res Skins texture pack. This pack replaces all those old, pixelated Unreal/RTNP skins with extremely detailed high-res counterparts. To give you an idea, the vanilla skins were 256×256 and the new ones are as large as 4096×4096.
You can download the Unreal HD Textures 2.0 Texture Pack from here, and the Unreal HD High-Res Skins Texture Pack from here.
Have fun!